"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[imperfectangel]

I don't believe my now xmm is bothered. I needed to end it as I need to move on. If I don't do it now I never will. He has told me himself he wanted me to have a boyfriend etc but as soon as I ended it that was it. He has not responded. Not even a best wishes etc. For me that shows he was only interested in what he could get out of me, not me as a person.

 

It's easy for him; no d day. He can carry on playing happy families now I have to rebuild since I won't be living the life I assumed I would be

Edited October 4, 2016 by imperfectangel

[Adoraxx]

I don't believe my now xmm is bothered. I needed to end it as I need to move on. If I don't do it now I never will. He has told me himself he wanted me to have a boyfriend etc but as soon as I ended it that was it. He has not responded. Not even a best wishes etc. For me that shows he was only interested in what he could get out of me, not me as a person.

 

It's easy for him; no d day. He can carry on playing happy families now I have to rebuild since I won't be living the life I assumed I would be

 

I don't believe either that my xMM is bothered. I always hope that he is, but I know he isn't. Just like your xMM, my xMM was only always interested in what he could get out of me too

 

p.s. Jenkins, the D-Day story made me laugh LOL!! I hope you'll feel better soon and you don't always have to be positive here... you should be able to be yourself

[Midwestmissy]

Do a lot of bs post mushy pics on social media after the affair ends? I find that confusing - I shut everything down because I wanted whatever happened in my marriage to stay private. Reopened Facebook under a different name and have very few friends there. There are no pics of my wh anywhere on my social media. None. There are pics of wh and mow floating around. Hurtful.

 

Maybe it's a fake til you make it? I don't want the mow to know anything about me - married divorced or 'it's complicated' lol. I guess some people do like to air dirty laundry. But it seems like anything personal can become ammo or proof that the other person is still on ones mind. The last thing I could fathom doing when my world exploded was putting up a happy pic of us - I kicked him out, and didn't post that either. When mow was cyber snooping I shut it down. It all felt so high school to me. I will not be part of a triangle in any form. Maybe the drama and noise take up time one should be using to heal? Maybe I'm just not competitive. She was free to have him, he was free to go.

[heartwhole]

Do a lot of bs post mushy pics on social media after the affair ends? I find that confusing - I shut everything down because I wanted whatever happened in my marriage to stay private. Reopened Facebook under a different name and have very few friends there. There are no pics of my wh anywhere on my social media. None. There are pics of wh and mow floating around. Hurtful.

 

Maybe it's a fake til you make it? I don't want the mow to know anything about me - married divorced or 'it's complicated' lol. I guess some people do like to air dirty laundry. But it seems like anything personal can become ammo or proof that the other person is still on ones mind. The last thing I could fathom doing when my world exploded was putting up a happy pic of us - I kicked him out, and didn't post that either. When mow was cyber snooping I shut it down. It all felt so high school to me. I will not be part of a triangle in any form. Maybe the drama and noise take up time one should be using to heal? Maybe I'm just not competitive. She was free to have him, he was free to go.

 

I totally had a nonchalant attitude about social media before DD. A week after the PA, WH and I were in a romantic city for the night. I thought about posting "Having a quick getaway . . . thanks Grandma!" on FB, but I thought, nah, I'm not a bragger and I'm not living my life to be on display. When WH and I went to the Caribbean later that year, we talked about not wanting people to know we were away from our kids and didn't post any pics.

 

Later after DD those decisions haunted me. OW was looking for signs that WH was going to leave. She thought he was. DD happened and he dropped her like a hot potato. I wished I had shown more of our real life during the affair, because it WAS real. We were going on dates, taking vacations, just like we always did. I just didn't put it on FB.

 

Even then, I just blocked the OW after DD. It wasn't until a few months later that she sent a fishing email to WH and kept Tweeting about star-crossed lovers that I realized, OK, she really has no clue. She thinks there's still a chance. She can't see our real life from halfway around the world so she gets to imagine that he's pining away for her in his sham of a marriage. So then I unblocked her for like a week and posted lots of pics -- guess what OW, we bought a vacation house! Seem like a couple on the verge of divorce? No.

 

Then after a week I realized, whatever, I want to be who I am, the person who doesn't rub her life in other people's faces, and I blocked her again. But is my FB profile always a cute pic of me (showing how I've lost weight in the last 1.5 years . . . thanks infidelity diet!) and WH? You betcha. And am I so scared about bragging that I don't post updates on our life any more? No. It IS my real life. I have good privacy settings, so anyone who can see it is my real friend.

[imsosad]

Do a lot of bs post mushy pics on social media after the affair ends? I find that confusing - I shut everything down because I wanted whatever happened in my marriage to stay private. Reopened Facebook under a different name and have very few friends there. There are no pics of my wh anywhere on my social media. None. There are pics of wh and mow floating around. Hurtful.

 

Maybe it's a fake til you make it? I don't want the mow to know anything about me - married divorced or 'it's complicated' lol. I guess some people do like to air dirty laundry. But it seems like anything personal can become ammo or proof that the other person is still on ones mind. The last thing I could fathom doing when my world exploded was putting up a happy pic of us - I kicked him out, and didn't post that either. When mow was cyber snooping I shut it down. It all felt so high school to me. I will not be part of a triangle in any form. Maybe the drama and noise take up time one should be using to heal? Maybe I'm just not competitive. She was free to have him, he was free to go.

 

To me, your behavior is just plain normal. I don't believe most of what I see on social media anyway.Maybe I am showing my age but when someone posts 'romantic fabulous dinner with my perfect husband/wife', they get a side eye from me. If you're having such a great time, why are you diverting your attention to post some totally normal occurance such as having dinner with a spouse to several hundred people? I just dont get it. I can tell you that one of the mushiest couples I know on FB recently got divorced. They used to posts odes and poems to each other so often it made me wonder if they never see each other in person?

I went through a divorce and went on to a R with my AP, no sign of it on FB. Nor on my STBXH or AP or his BS. I just feel it's adult to handle your life in private. When I was agonizing over the A and later,the D, it was my business. When things got better,it was still my business. I see how much pain posters experience after seeing pics and posts on MM or BS social media. I really think social media reflects what you wish,not neccesarily what you have. Very highschool in that respect.

Regarding OW, i think it's the MM's job to clarify his position and keep NC. Posting on social media to disillusion her doesnt seem like the best option,imo.

Edited October 4, 2016 by imsosad

[Chica80]

Very good post (((sunshinechica))) - I totally see where you are coming from and I wish you nothing but the very best.

 

I am sorry for using the "broken hearts will heal" line. I regret it now - it was after midnight when I wrote that post, half asleep, but when I read it now, it irritates me too - it's patronising and cheesy.

 

I wish you all nothing but the best! We will get there together guys. Keep the excellent posts coming.

 

JENKS!!!!

 

I tried to send a private message but its says it's full. I hope you can see this.....

 

 

I am sorry for lashing out at you.

See I think many MM, not all but many, the ones OW and MOW post about. Do not care about them it WAS just sex and ego kibbles.

 

I don't believe you are like that or the other guys that post on here are like that otherwise they wouldn't post.

 

I love my MM deeply truly. Not what he gives me not what he does. But who he is. He is amazing. He really is. I admire him.

 

I believe he loves me too. His actions, are what I base this on. Because he has never said it. He won't.

I feel you and the others truly do/did care about OW. The things you say the things you guys say remind me so much of him. I guess that's why I take my frustrations out.

Because I know he hurts too. I know this has been hard and painful on him as well. It's just part of the selfishness of it all. I'm the only one allowed to be in pain.

 

I'm truly sorry I lashed out at you.

I am happy for you and your marriage. Because ultimately deep down. I am happy and admire people who can come out on the otherside and make it better.

I wish you luck.

 

To OUT and others I apologize as well. You are a small percentage. You are on the other side....the MM. Just know that your words are encouraging. For many of us the things you say are things we wish our MM said or felt.

 

So it's easy to pick on you or get angry at you because we can't say it otherwise to the one we really want to say it too.

 

I hope you don't go this is an outlet for you as well.

 

Jenks your story made me laugh because it's true!!!

[jenkins95]

JENKS!!!!

 

I tried to send a private message but its says it's full. I hope you can see this.........I'm truly sorry I lashed out at you.

 

I am happy for you and your marriage. Because ultimately deep down. I am happy and admire people who can come out on the otherside and make it better.

I wish you luck.

 

Jenks your story made me laugh because it's true!!!

 

Oh sunshine, what a lovely message! You made my day and CONSIDERABLY lifted my spirits. I need a hanky to dry my emotional tears now - I hardly cried at all between ages 20-40, now I get set off all the time - especially genuine warmth and kindness like this!! I'm smiling too now! THANK YOU.

 

Group hug anyone?....

 

(((Sunshinechica...and anyone who wants to join us!)))

 

And that wasn't a lashing at all! It was just good, honest respectful disagreement - a few home truths, and it did me good. If you want to see me getting a lashing, please have a look at my first ever thread!

 

As for the PM. Thank you so much - that's so sweet of you. There are various people that have kindly sent me PMs and who I owe replies to. I'm so so genuinely sorry if you are one of these people....it is not at all personal - I found that PMing especially was really triggering me lately, the personal nature of it, and I haven't checked my mailbox for a few weeks - I'll be on the case very shortly! The PMs do mean a lot! Sorry I'm so useless at replying quickly.

 

I think I will take a little break from LS for a while.....I will be back soon - when I have something more positive to say, probably in few weeks.

 

OK, so I lasted 10 hours! (and I only checked the boards about 6 times during the day - lol!). Hey, everyone gets to throw their toys out of the pram sometimes don't they

 

Sunshine, I'll drink to you tonight - you have cheered me up....and to all you other wonderful, hurting, but surely recovering people out there. You guys are awesome.

 

Right, dust myself down, shake it off, toys back in the pram, deep breath...back on that path again!

[ladydesigner]

Thank you! Your words are encouraging. It's really hard to let go. Too much to talk about here on LS but it's what I'm working on in therapy..

 

LADY you deserve more. What would make things better?

 

Sunshinechica what would really make my day would be if I made enough money to support me and my kiddos comfortably! Thank you! I have made My life better for ME. Unfortunately I do not believe in any sort of happily ever after,I mean I know I will be happy no matter what. My M will most likely end at some point as seems to be headed in that direction. Thank you for your nice reply!

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

I think I will take a little break from LS for a while. It is such a wonderful resource and I don't know how I would have got through the past year without it, but right now it is triggering me, I felt vulnerable yesterday, came here, did some reading, fired off a few posts, triggered a lot...and now feel considerably worse. I was irritated by several posts, and in turn some of my posts, irritated others. I don't like it this way - I like to be a positive poster when I am here and try to support people, but I feel my recent flurry of posts have not been like that. I will be back soon - when I have something more positive to say, probably in few weeks.

 

 

Hi Jenkins. I did not mean to trigger you. I hardly post anymore but I wanted to respond. Reconciliation is difficult and take a long time. I'm 10 months out and it's a journey. I do not understand when I see posters who a week after Dday say how wonderful it all is and they now realize how great their husband is. It's been difficult to say the least. First you have to get over the other person, while working on your marriage, which is pretty next to impossible. So as for the comforts of going back to your family once the affair is over, not really. It's more like going back to a torched house. It's easier to just go buy a new one than rebuild a burnt one.

 

Posting here and reading also keeps me in a bad place. But this place is addictive. My H saw it by accident on my computer and did not like it. He thought it was very unhealthy, like an AA for people trying to get over affairs. Very unpositive.

 

My life is eh. xmm will not stop being a bully and contacting me and it's causing a lot of problems at home for me. Every week we spend one to two days talking about him. It's exhausting. I am going to have to look around for a new opportunity which is very depressing. H is both wanting me to leave and angry that I have to leave at the same time. It's like xmm is a bully to all of us, and of course his wife has no idea any of this is going on. But I did this and I am going to have to take steps to protect my own life, even though it means taking a step backwards with our own business, which pisses my husband off. It's just a bad situation all around.

 

H said, this will never end, it's going to go on and on. I can't let that happen. H is going to contact xmm's wife again and tell her to tighten the lease on him but it won't work. If xmm is doing this to us, can you imagine the hold he has on his wife?

 

You are right, these things are such a mistake and have such horrible consequences, ripple effect you never foresaw at the beginning.

[jenkins95]

(((midnight)))

 

Your xMM really is not helping you at all, is he? At least you are seeing so many negatives that will help you get over him...when he finally respects you and leaves you alone. It's crazy that he takes such risks when his wife doesn't even know.

 

You are right about reconciliation. It is difficult enough even with strict NC, but when he's bothering you like this, it must be next to impossible to recover. When you finally manage to completely block him and get away from his toxicity, you can truly put everything into the m. It sounds like both you and your h have had your issues, but there is much there to work on and there is clearly love, just that it is hidden a little behind the fog and the a related turmoil at the moment. As you've both been in A's, there is a level of understanding that is probably not possible when only one partner was unfaithful. Also that awful inbalance of guilt and 'good guy vs bad guy' is presumably less of an issue?

 

You are a wonderful poster and you have put a smile on my face many times. I wasn't getting at you (or anyone specific) when I posted about triggering earlier - I'm just in a triggery mood in general at the moment I think lol. Just as things i have written have occasionally irritated you, the odd thing you have written may have triggered me a couple of times. But for every one of these, there have been 1000 positive points, wise advice and excellent support. You are a star! One of the good guys!

 

Yes, LS can be addictive. I sometimes wonder if it occasionally serves as a substitute for past addictions during the A - like the constant flow of messages. At times, I can't do without it, at other times, I fare better keeping my distance. But on the balance it is a wonderful resource that should be used wisely when needed and not overly depended on.

 

Have a good evening midnight! Post again soon

Edited October 4, 2016 by jenkins95

[Chica80]

Group HUGS for everyone!!! I love it!!!!

 

I toast to all of you my LS friends for making it through this fiery hell and not giving up. Ill be the bartender.....

 

JENKS I'm going to toast to you because you need the encouragement for making it through the hard work. For giving up someone you love and care about. But knowing that, that relationship was only about yourself. For loving your wife and your children and realizing that you want to be a better man a better father. The A does not define you. It does not make you who you are. You are a human with human needs. I truly am glad to hear that you are working on your M that makes me happy.

 

LADY It's really scary to think about starting fresh and new. But you can do it. If that is truly what you want. I don't know too much about your story, but I know that you have been on both sides. Do you love your H? Does he love you? Do you both want to make it work? Because a marriage can never work when only one is working. It's very exhausting and a huge load to carry by yourself. I don't know your finances or how that would work out. But I believe woman have this incredible strength, within us. You are the holder of your happiness. You can do it. Maybe not now. Envision yourself what you want to make your life look like and take steps to make that happen whatever that may be.

 

 

Midnight Your MM is a complete narcissistic A hole!!! You are attractive fit (from what you said). You own your own business. YOU take care of your family and you went through hell in your first marriage am I correct? Tell MM to go **** himself. The next time he comes up and talks to you ask him about his wife. Remind him WIFE. Talk about your husband, he wants to play this crazy games. Outsmart him. If you have to lie through your teeth. Your husband is great you are so happy blah blah blah whatever you have to say. Girl you are stronger than this. As for H. Stop talking to him about MM. It is damaging you it is damaging him. Do you want your M to work? And please please get into IC.

 

All the other regular posters on this thread lots of love and hugs......Because the struggle is real my friends......

[heartwhole]

Regarding OW, i think it's the MM's job to clarify his position and keep NC. Posting on social media to disillusion her doesnt seem like the best option,imo.

 

Yeah, I wasn't saying it was my best moment. Not my worst either, though. We are truly in R and WH has done loads of work to develop empathy, communication skills, and coping skills. Is it so terrible that I wanted Miss "Star Crossed Lovers" to know that, when she's all the way on the other side of the world and has no way of knowing what we're doing otherwise? I think I get a pretty big pass on that point. She did fly across the world to sleep with my husband, get him caught on purpose, then declare she would never give up on him. Even the classiest lady has a little tiger in her . . .

 

Ultimately, though, of course I know my life is my life, and the only person who needs to know that is me. My feelings of "what if" stemmed from the idea that she was probably thinking, "See! Their marriage is dead! They don't have any current pics on FB." Not that my husband's fidelity depends on anything but my husband, but since I remember thinking about posting, I just wish I had. Because yes, dammit, it's bad enough to be cheated on. To have some Miss Havisham deciding she's going to cling to your husband's memory indefinitely when your husband is completely over her is just adding insult to injury.

 

But actually, WH posts a lot more than I do. Date night, best weekend ever, etc. It's a bit much perhaps, but he knows that it hurts me how little he posted during the affair, including on a big anniversary. He ALWAYS made his profile pic our wedding photo, and he didn't mention it at all. That still stings. So he's overcompensating. But OW doesn't know because she's blocked. Plus he's one of those extroverts with 1,000 "friends" who posts everything he does anyway. (Except when he's having an affair. Which is why it matters to me. Going round and round in circles here . . . sorry!)

[Midwestmissy]

I didn't want her to know anything at all about me - she'd invaded my marriage enough. And frankly if she saw nothing with the 2 of us, maybe she'd wonder why he hasn't reached out her. I just wanted to be erased from her world completely. Poof. I guess for a long time I felt like pics of us together when we weren't healed would seem phoney. Strictly my feeling.

[Outofmysystem]

Chika, it's cool.....I had a long response that I tried to post the other day, but my modem crapped out and I lost the post.....so, suffice to say, I said I was sorry if I triggered you the with my post, I didn't mean too intentionally......I think the main reason I struggle with my situation is I actually did not have a choice in mine ending, my XDOW broke up with me, then 8 months later divorced her X....so I could (maybe?) move on if she was really honest and let me into her thoughts wether it was all me?, both? Whatever, but I got some explanation, then babble, then just cold hearted bitc&@$ness from her until as of late....we have talked, but she is very short with me and doesn't want to see me at all. Yes I'm trying to move on, but it was so intense from her for so many years, then she shut it down in a matter of months because of the new job that she treats like a cult now.....I never seen anything like it......so bear with as I'm still a mess sometimes because I did love her very much.

[Chica80]

Chika, it's cool.....I had a long response that I tried to post the other day, but my modem crapped out and I lost the post.....so, suffice to say, I said I was sorry if I triggered you the with my post, I didn't mean too intentionally......I think the main reason I struggle with my situation is I actually did not have a choice in mine ending, my XDOW broke up with me, then 8 months later divorced her X....so I could (maybe?) move on if she was really honest and let me into her thoughts wether it was all me?, both? Whatever, but I got some explanation, then babble, then just cold hearted bitc&@$ness from her until as of late....we have talked, but she is very short with me and doesn't want to see me at all. Yes I'm trying to move on, but it was so intense from her for so many years, then she shut it down in a matter of months because of the new job that she treats like a cult now.....I never seen anything like it......so bear with as I'm still a mess sometimes because I did love her very much.

 

 

OUT I'm sorry. I know you did. I know you do. Do you want to be with her. Because you always thought you would be, you said.

 

But she left her marriage. And you are still married. 6 years right? That is a long time. I can't really believe that she would feel nothing for you. It sounds to me like she is trying to move on. To a better situation. She's getting divorced. She has a new job. You said she looks great. Did you want her to get a divorce and continue to be on the side? Always hiding and nothing more than just multiple O's. Sorry if I'm being crass but that's all you can give her while you continue to be married.

 

She is doing what we all hear everyday on LS.

*NC

*he will never leave

*its all lies

*all he wants is sex

 

I know you hurt I know you miss her, but see things from her side.

OUT do you want to be married? Because honestly I've never heard you say how much you love your wife and want to make it work.

[spideywoman]

Guys, I'm new here and don't "know" any of you and vice versa, yet. I had to post to say that I am in awe of (almost!) each and every one of you.

 

Reading through this epic post (full disclosure: I did skip about 20 pages ) has been not just eye-opening but cathartic. It took me about five days to get through all of your messages, your journeys, your stories, your anger, your sorrow, your joy and your tears. I would sneak 10 minutes from work here and there to read more. I would turn in for bed, prop my laptop up, and keep reading with my nightlight. Heck, if I could have downloaded this on my Kindle I'd be reading during my commute, too. It's addictive. Addictive because it feeds the soul. A bunch of strangers willing to share their most intimate thoughts and feelings with one another. It's not easy to be vulnerable. This board is a great example of how sometimes opening yourself up for everyone to see, no matter if anonymously, can truly lead to wonderful things.

 

If it weren't so darn early where I am I would pour myself a glass of wine and toast to all of you. (I will do it later, though.)

 

Stay strong. Wishing you all courage and peace of mind.

[Outofmysystem]

Spidey, welcome to the mega thread, lol....I don't know if that's what OP (Blue?) was wanting or not, but this was the easiest one to post in for me because of everyone in it. Hope it helps if you need it that way

 

Chica, don't know why I put a k in the other post, lol, but anyway, thank you for the "perspective"....and I'm sure if I put myself in her shoes that's exactly how she feels. I know as we go through these relationships, beginning, middle or end, we all know how to simplify the right wrong, that's the easy part. The complex for me, and subsequently what I didn't know going in, was how it was going to change me in ways that I'm still finding out. We were at a point in our story that yes, I did think we were going to be together.....I kept going down that path and she veered off without me really noticing (or not believing) and for me, it was sudden when the end came....she also was doing the push and pull...."I don't want to loose you", "yes, we are just fine", all the while, allowing her new boss, co-workers and job (that I was going to be a part of too, till we parted ways) take over her life.....to the point now, she is obsessed with this place and the family that owns it (think high end jewelry and watches, that is the business we are in)

 

So what was going to happen?, I don't know.....would I have left, ended my M for her, again.....just like probably most MM, I don't know.....looking back now though with a year now removed from it, the trust (whatever amount I had with her) all of that is gone so the answer would be no. My M is better and worse right now.....I know that the way it is obviously is better than if I had a D-Day, but issues that I have with my W are still present and we have good and bad days, yes I love her and my family, and no, I don't want to hurt them anymore than I did already.....this battle rages on in my head, it does affect my moods which I struggle with to control, but I try.....that's really all we can do. I hope that helps explain things better.

[Chica80]

Spidey, welcome to the mega thread, lol....I don't know if that's what OP (Blue?) was wanting or not, but this was the easiest one to post in for me because of everyone in it. Hope it helps if you need it that way

 

Chica, don't know why I put a k in the other post, lol, but anyway, thank you for the "perspective"....and I'm sure if I put myself in her shoes that's exactly how she feels. I know as we go through these relationships, beginning, middle or end, we all know how to simplify the right wrong, that's the easy part. The complex for me, and subsequently what I didn't know going in, was how it was going to change me in ways that I'm still finding out. We were at a point in our story that yes, I did think we were going to be together.....I kept going down that path and she veered off without me really noticing (or not believing) and for me, it was sudden when the end came....she also was doing the push and pull...."I don't want to loose you", "yes, we are just fine", all the while, allowing her new boss, co-workers and job (that I was going to be a part of too, till we parted ways) take over her life.....to the point now, she is obsessed with this place and the family that owns it (think high end jewelry and watches, that is the business we are in)

 

So what was going to happen?, I don't know.....would I have left, ended my M for her, again.....just like probably most MM, I don't know.....looking back now though with a year now removed from it, the trust (whatever amount I had with her) all of that is gone so the answer would be no. My M is better and worse right now.....I know that the way it is obviously is better than if I had a D-Day, but issues that I have with my W are still present and we have good and bad days, yes I love her and my family, and no, I don't want to hurt them anymore than I did already.....this battle rages on in my head, it does affect my moods which I struggle with to control, but I try.....that's really all we can do. I hope that helps explain things better.

 

 

I hear you I get it.....

I think and have often told myself do I want to be here a year from now. 2 6? No the answer is always no.

 

But here I am now. More than 18 mo later. Still here

He's been married a year now....still here....

I come to these points where something happens or I get angry at myself at him. I think about his wife. And I want to stop.

 

But the truth is I'm here because I want to be. I'm just not ready to let go yet.

We had this conversation the other night. He told me you will move on. You can't have a normal relationship with me in it. You will fall in love again. Since our A first started I've changed. He said as much. I've gotten stronger I'm different. I see it he sees it. So ya, one day I will reach that point.

 

I told you, your story reminds me so much of my own. From my stbxh, that dynamic. To AP and I.

She found something to rely on that gets her through this difficult time. Her job a career. Not another man to define her. She is coming into her own. You should feel proud of her.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

So what was going to happen?, I don't know.....would I have left, ended my M for her, again.....just like probably most MM, I don't know.....looking back now though with a year now removed from it, the trust (whatever amount I had with her) all of that is gone so the answer would be no. My M is better and worse right now.....I know that the way it is obviously is better than if I had a D-Day, but issues that I have with my W are still present and we have good and bad days, yes I love her and my family, and no, I don't want to hurt them anymore than I did already.....this battle rages on in my head, it does affect my moods which I struggle with to control, but I try.....that's really all we can do. I hope that helps explain things better.

 

I can relate to this. There are those that say since I was going to leave for xMM, I should have left my marriage. And I really do get that but again, it's not just all about me. The difference though Out - your wife doesn't know, right? I gave the husband the choice. I understand the fall out. That is a decision you have to make. I guess you made it and again, is there a point to hurting her now? I guess you need to ask yourself are you staying because you want to be with her or will you want to leave the next time you meet someone.

 

For me, I no longer feel like my situation is anything like everyone else's. He is subtly harassing me. I say "subtly" because everything he does and says seems like he not doing anything and I am crazy. I realize now I made a huge error being honest about asking for NC to feel better and get myself together and move on. He has been emailing me and worse, putting other people (cc'ed) on the email to try and force me to respond. Again, it's all about business but I know its unnecessary communication because I am aware of things the people cc'ed are not.

 

But here is the thing - he made it clear way back that he was not leaving his marriage and he has stayed true to that all these months. Over the summer when I asked him, why are you contacting me, he said, I am just being friendly. He even said he would stop - but he hasn't. Nothing can stop him. I do not understand why he is doing this to me, it's as if he is purposely trying to drive me insane. Why doesn't he leave me alone. I tell my H when he contacts me, so its constant fighting this week at home and I got little work done from the incredible stress he has put me under.

 

So I am going to see the new president of the organization today and tell him a sort of summary of the harassment I am dealing with and let him know I am looking at alternatives. Tomorrow I'm going to visit a new location. Or I can just quit. I did not want to run away but he is going to ruin my whole life - and I don't even understand why. For kicks? I truly did nothing to him. He did not want to be with me so why is he doing this to me?

 

But I will not wreck my marriage and destroy my business over this. My H is really mad, he does not want me to be forced out. He says I care more about my reputation and that may be true. I told H he can call up BS again and tell her whatever he wants but I am not reporting it to the head office because I really have no actual proof of harassment, it's all gaslighting.

 

I don't know if this makes any sense. I just want it to end.

[MidnightBlue1980]

But hey, on the bright side - I don't love him anymore.

[Outofmysystem]

Chica, thanks for the understanding and again, "her" perspective.....your right, I think that's exactly how she is feeling....and like you, I'm still here as well....the affair has gone on in my mind still to this day, I can't let go all of the way, that's what I struggle with.....that and the, "what did I mean to her, how does she feel" questions we all have of them.

 

Blue, I don't propose to know what your AP is really thinking, other than to me, it sounds like he is stuck with the "control", "power" aspect of your relationship and he can't (or won't) let that go....ego?, I'm sure...to be cruel?, maybe, again I don't know him...some guys get off on that, not saying that he does, but whatever the reason the effect is still the same on you. I don't know what your solution is, but I hope you get your peace soon....it's one thing to suffer from rejection, and another to be messed with for whatever reason.

[ladydesigner]

Chica, thanks for the understanding and again, "her" perspective.....your right, I think that's exactly how she is feeling....and like you, I'm still here as well....the affair has gone on in my mind still to this day, I can't let go all of the way, that's what I struggle with.....that and the, "what did I mean to her, how does she feel" questions we all have of them.

 

Blue, I don't propose to know what your AP is really thinking, other than to me, it sounds like he is stuck with the "control", "power" aspect of your relationship and he can't (or won't) let that go....ego?, I'm sure...to be cruel?, maybe, again I don't know him...some guys get off on that, not saying that he does, but whatever the reason the effect is still the same on you. I don't know what your solution is, but I hope you get your peace soon....it's one thing to suffer from rejection, and another to be messed with for whatever reason.

 

(((OUT))) I think you know what you meant to her and how she feels about you if she left her M. I think you still struggle because you can still keep the A as something sacred. If you told your BS about it, it wouldn't feel so sacred. I kept my A (I had a RA after my WH's first A was discovered) hidden from my WH for 4 years. I feel it prolonged my healing.

[BTDT2012]

Do a lot of bs post mushy pics on social media after the affair ends? I find that confusing - I shut everything down because I wanted whatever happened in my marriage to stay private. Reopened Facebook under a different name and have very few friends there. There are no pics of my wh anywhere on my social media. None. There are pics of wh and mow floating around.

Not this BS. I removed the pic of us together when I asked him to leave due to continuing contact. I also removed relationship completely. When we later started to truly work on reconciliation, I still didn't change the profile picture back to us. And I likely never will, even though he has asked me about it.

[ladydesigner]

Not this BS. I removed the pic of us together when I asked him to leave due to continuing contact. I also removed relationship completely. When we later started to truly work on reconciliation, I still didn't change the profile picture back to us. And I likely never will, even though he has asked me about it.

 

My WH has been removed from profile pic for 4 years now and I don't likely see that changing.

[Lostgirl186]

I never imagined when I started this thread that it would still be going this long. I haven't posted in a while, but I've been keeping up with you all.. I guess I'm still ashamed that my cycle has still continued.. Since I last posted, he unblocked me.. And we spent about two weeks in heavy conversation... Something we haven't done in the two years this has been going on. He admitted that he has so much guilt afterwards that it turns him into an ass.. That he tries to stay busy at work and it helps him to not talk to me, but that the want is still there, especially if he lets himself look at me when I'm around, and yada yada bull$hit. We ended up sleeping together again, and tho he hadn't blocked me, it's the same "we can't do this again..."