"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[imsosad]

Lostgirl, the manipulation and bull**** are screaming from his words, can you hear?

He's such a great guy,isnt he, that he feels sssoooo guilty he just has to sleep with you again. Then ignore you or blck you.or whatever. Im sorry, LG, my guess is he doesnt talk to you much afterwards not because he feels guilty, but because he got what he wanted. Giving you the guilt excuse means he can chat you up a bit, sleep with you, disappear on you, come on out of the blue, chat a bit, sex, disappear. He's too guilty to talk to you, but not to have sex with you.

Come on, dont let him play you this way. You deserve so much better. He is just not good enough for you!

Edited October 7, 2016 by imsosad

[ImaginaryDream]

Ladies (and gentlemen who are here)... I'm broken today.

 

I know I don't post much, but I read. This is the only thread I want to post this to because maybe someone will understand... The up/down hot/cold push/pull... that was always MM and I. This last time lasted a week. He was so angry at me while I was away on a work conference because he saw a FB post where I hugged someone (another man). Totally innocent. The thing is.. he doesn't let me know he's angry, I just have to figure it out because he just goes silent. Utterly silent. No accusatory words, no arguments, nothing. He finally reached out a week later saying how jealous he was, that it wasn't fair because he has no right to be, blah blah blah... it was a long conversation but (and I apologize but I can't remember the post) I remember someone saying how after each blow-up, things can be more intense. That is exactly what happened. Intense emotion, words of love.. After almost 4 years, we finally said it...

 

Texting this morning, feeling great.. I start goofing around with him about my upcoming getaway with my sisters and cousins. I say, "guess we'll be getting naked a lot! There's usually a skinny-dip or two while us girls get away.." I thought I was being funny (I've grown up with 2 sisters and tons of girls cousins.. this sort of thing isn't unusual to me), but he apparently is SO not ok with it and I just don't understand.. He says he needs to "process my excitement about getting naked with my family" and it floored me.. he refuses to talk to me now. How can someone who claims to love you just shut you down like that and be so cruel? My only answer is that he doesn't love me. After such an intense high this week, I'm suffering an intense low..

 

I don't understand. How can a person do this to another? Am I the one who is in the wrong here? I feel like he's over reacting to this but now I'm questioning everything..

 

I don't care anymore, I'll pour everything out. I'm in IC and we're addressing my alcohol intake.. I drink to dull the pain. All I can think about right now is drowning myself of this pain, and I'm reaching out here first in case someone, anyone, knows what this is like. I'm sorry if I've strayed this thread off topic, but I just needed to get this out to anyone.

[elaine567]

Ladies (and gentlemen who are here)... I'm broken today.

 

I know I don't post much, but I read. This is the only thread I want to post this to because maybe someone will understand... The up/down hot/cold push/pull... that was always MM and I. This last time lasted a week. He was so angry at me while I was away on a work conference because he saw a FB post where I hugged someone (another man). Totally innocent. The thing is.. he doesn't let me know he's angry, I just have to figure it out because he just goes silent. Utterly silent. No accusatory words, no arguments, nothing. He finally reached out a week later saying how jealous he was, that it wasn't fair because he has no right to be, blah blah blah... it was a long conversation but (and I apologize but I can't remember the post) I remember someone saying how after each blow-up, things can be more intense. That is exactly what happened. Intense emotion, words of love.. After almost 4 years, we finally said it...

 

Texting this morning, feeling great.. I start goofing around with him about my upcoming getaway with my sisters and cousins. I say, "guess we'll be getting naked a lot! There's usually a skinny-dip or two while us girls get away.." I thought I was being funny (I've grown up with 2 sisters and tons of girls cousins.. this sort of thing isn't unusual to me), but he apparently is SO not ok with it and I just don't understand.. He says he needs to "process my excitement about getting naked with my family" and it floored me.. he refuses to talk to me now. How can someone who claims to love you just shut you down like that and be so cruel? My only answer is that he doesn't love me. After such an intense high this week, I'm suffering an intense low..

 

I don't understand. How can a person do this to another? Am I the one who is in the wrong here? I feel like he's over reacting to this but now I'm questioning everything..

 

I don't care anymore, I'll pour everything out. I'm in IC and we're addressing my alcohol intake.. I drink to dull the pain. All I can think about right now is drowning myself of this pain, and I'm reaching out here first in case someone, anyone, knows what this is like. I'm sorry if I've strayed this thread off topic, but I just needed to get this out to anyone.

 

Forget about being in an affair it is irrelevant to your situation.

This is abuse plain and simple.

He uses the silent treatment to punish you for stuff he is unhappy about you doing and in this way controls you.

You having earned his disapproval over some perceived misdemeanour are in turmoil and pain, whilst he is no doubt happy as Larry, getting on with his life as if nothing had happened. He withholds his affection, you are devastated, but he likes that, as that makes him all powerful.

He then chooses his moment to let you off the hook, you are so grateful that things are back to normal that you shower him with affection, you may even apologise for being so mean to him... He learns you are a sucker and someone he can control, so the next time he is not happy, guess what he will do?

 

Stop self medicating yourself with alcohol, your problem is in this man and how he is treating you.

 

He is jealous of you going away with your family for a holiday, so he needs to make you feel awful all the time you are away. He has succeeded, as now you will be worried sick about upsetting him again, so your "carefree" holiday has now got a black cloud hanging over it.

Please realise what he is doing to you here, and walk away.

 

Silent Treatment: Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism

[ImaginaryDream]

Elaine.. your response has helped me more than you could know. I read what you said, and I read the article.. this quote struck me:

 

"...the Narcissists tend to mirror beautifully all of the qualities a victim wants or needs in a partner or friend, that victims are left desperately trying to reword and say in different ways things that will “bring back” the person they knew before. It doesn’t occur to them that the person they fell in love with never existed at all."

 

I cried and couldn't stop. Still can't stop if I'm being honest. I almost feel like I'm grieving for the person I thought I knew and thought I "loved".. but that article is so spot on that I can't make an excuse that he would be the exception to the rule.. I'm grateful I'm in IC as I will bring this issue up in our next session..

 

Thank you..

[jenkins95]

ImaginaryDreams, you deserve a ((((big hug))))

 

I know it feels so horrible to be so broken, and on weekends when the world seems to slow down, the feeling can be magnified. Know that you are not alone.

 

I agree with Elaine in that from everything you've said, he appears to be a narcissistic control freak, regardless of the affair, his behaviour would qualify as abuse whatever the nature of your relationship.

 

But the main reason that I am posting is because, seeing your call for help message just now prompted me to read your other posts. There aren't many, but pain drips from every sentence you write. He has held you in this awful OW limbo for over three years. I was the MM in an affair, neither of us was abusive like your MM, but even without that, living with the 'normal' dynamics of the affair nearly destroyed both of us. ID, haven't you had enough yet? This guy is toxic. It's fairly obvious that the dynamic of your situation is not going change and he will hold you in your psychological prison for as long as you let him. I feel through all your posts that you have had enough, that your sensitive soul can't take much more of this.

 

Make us so proud of you, take control away from the control freak - dump his sorry ass, 180 and walk away into immediate, strict and permanent NC. See how powerful and in control he feels when you strip all his power away from him.

 

I know that this is a frightening, terrifying even, prospect. Over three years - that's quite a dependency and quite an addiction to kick.

 

But ID. I feel you HAVE to do it... And soon..... If you are ever going to claim your life back and be happy.

 

You seem like a lovely, sensitive person who somehow, like so many of us, ended up in this unfortunate position. There is so much you could achieve, so much fun and happiness out there. You can go out and grab it, but not while he has a hold on you like this. Take that step, be strong, accept that the first few months will be very difficult, but that you are investing in your future and your recovery. I really hope you consider it. I so see why you chose your name. Your dreams may be imaginary right now while you are with him. But bigger, better, legitimate dreams are out there for you - you just have to free yourself and then they will find you.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. Keep posting - we are hear for you.

 

Another ((((hug)))). I think you could use some.

 

 

 

Ladies (and gentlemen who are here)... I'm broken today.

 

I know I don't post much, but I read. This is the only thread I want to post this to because maybe someone will understand... The up/down hot/cold push/pull... that was always MM and I. This last time lasted a week. He was so angry at me while I was away on a work conference because he saw a FB post where I hugged someone (another man). Totally innocent. The thing is.. he doesn't let me know he's angry, I just have to figure it out because he just goes silent. Utterly silent. No accusatory words, no arguments, nothing. He finally reached out a week later saying how jealous he was, that it wasn't fair because he has no right to be, blah blah blah... it was a long conversation but (and I apologize but I can't remember the post) I remember someone saying how after each blow-up, things can be more intense. That is exactly what happened. Intense emotion, words of love.. After almost 4 years, we finally said it...

 

Texting this morning, feeling great.. I start goofing around with him about my upcoming getaway with my sisters and cousins. I say, "guess we'll be getting naked a lot! There's usually a skinny-dip or two while us girls get away.." I thought I was being funny (I've grown up with 2 sisters and tons of girls cousins.. this sort of thing isn't unusual to me), but he apparently is SO not ok with it and I just don't understand.. He says he needs to "process my excitement about getting naked with my family" and it floored me.. he refuses to talk to me now. How can someone who claims to love you just shut you down like that and be so cruel? My only answer is that he doesn't love me. After such an intense high this week, I'm suffering an intense low..

 

I don't understand. How can a person do this to another? Am I the one who is in the wrong here? I feel like he's over reacting to this but now I'm questioning everything..

 

I don't care anymore, I'll pour everything out. I'm in IC and we're addressing my alcohol intake.. I drink to dull the pain. All I can think about right now is drowning myself of this pain, and I'm reaching out here first in case someone, anyone, knows what this is like. I'm sorry if I've strayed this thread off topic, but I just needed to get this out to anyone.

Edited October 8, 2016 by jenkins95

[ImaginaryDream]

ImaginaryDreams, you deserve a ((((big hug))))

 

I know it feels so horrible to be so broken, and on weekends when the world seems to slow down, the feeling can be magnified. Know that you are not alone.

 

I agree with Elaine in that from everything you've said, he appears to be a narcissistic control freak, regardless of the affair, his behaviour would qualify as abuse whatever the nature of your relationship.

 

But the main reason that I am posting is because, seeing your call for help message just now prompted me to read your other posts. There aren't many, but pain drips from every sentence you write. He has held you in this awful OW limbo for over three years. I was the MM in an affair, neither of us was abusive like your MM, but even without that, living with the 'normal' dynamics of the affair nearly destroyed both of us. ID, haven't you had enough yet? This guy is toxic. It's fairly obvious that the dynamic of your situation is not going change and he will hold you in your psychological prison for as long as you let him. I feel through all your posts that you have had enough, that your sensitive soul can't take much more of this.

 

Make us so proud of you, take control away from the control freak - dump his sorry ass, 180 and walk away into immediate, strict and permanent NC. See how powerful and in control he feels when you strip all his power away from him.

 

I know that this is a frightening, terrifying even, prospect. Over three years - that's quite a dependency and quite an addiction to kick.

 

But ID. I feel you HAVE to do it... And soon..... If you are ever going to claim your life back and be happy.

 

You seem like a lovely, sensitive person who somehow, like so many of us, ended up in this unfortunate position. There is so much you could achieve, so much fun and happiness out there. You can go out and grab it, but not while he has a hold on you like this. Take that step, be strong, accept that the first few months will be very difficult, but that you are investing in your future and your recovery. I really hope you consider it. I so see why you chose your name. Your dreams may be imaginary right now while you are with him. But bigger, better, legitimate dreams are out there for you - you just have to free yourself and then they will find you.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. Keep posting - we are hear for you.

 

Another ((((hug)))). I think you could use some.

 

Jenkins... I just spent 20 minutes trying to figure out how to PM or something but I couldn't figure it out so I'll just post here. Thank you so much for your kind words. I read your post and cried, not because I felt bad but because it was so healing to my soul to hear..

 

To an outsider I suppose they wouldn't understand why I just don't leave.. I think I'm a little defective maybe. I'm an extremely cerebral person.. I work in a specialized scientific field that makes me solve problems.. but they are problems I can physically see, so it's easy to see the answer (X + Y = Z)...

 

I fully admit that I am out of my league with this psychological exchange going on with MM and I... When we argue, I see the problem and try to solve it with him, but he won't respond. And so I'm lost. And I'm in pain. And I don't know how to make it better... Leaving is so difficult for me to think about, we work in such close quarters. His cubicle is right next to me, or we are literally shoulder-to-shoulder in the lab as we work.. It's easy to say to leave my job, but I wouldn't have anywhere else to go. If push comes to shove, I will suffer the emotional turmoil to keep my job because at least I get some satisfaction from that.. making a difference in this world and all..

 

Thank you though for the responses.. It has helped more than I could say.

[Cymbeline]

ID, you are not defective. It's just that situations like these trigger all sorts of responses in us which originate from experiences in our character and our past that we aren't able to see clearly. It is far easier for those outside to see.

 

Even when we finally do understand on an intellectual level, it takes time for our emotions to catch up.

 

Take time out and try to concentrate on other things in your life. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't allow this man to put you in the wrong.

[Chica80]

I never imagined when I started this thread that it would still be going this long. I haven't posted in a while, but I've been keeping up with you all.. I guess I'm still ashamed that my cycle has still continued.. Since I last posted, he unblocked me.. And we spent about two weeks in heavy conversation... Something we haven't done in the two years this has been going on. He admitted that he has so much guilt afterwards that it turns him into an ass.. That he tries to stay busy at work and it helps him to not talk to me, but that the want is still there, especially if he lets himself look at me when I'm around, and yada yada bull$hit. We ended up sleeping together again, and tho he hadn't blocked me, it's the same "we can't do this again..."

 

LOST I'm glad you're still around. And keeping up.

 

This man is bad for you. You know that. The last time he blocked you he blamed everything on you.

From what I can see from your reading. He feels guilty bur not for using you. Don't get that confused he feels guilty for himself for his wife for losing what he has nor for you.

HE treats yo awful and you go back.

Its like a drug, the first time you get that high that feeling. When you are wth drawing it's awful and painful and you will forever try to chase that first high. That first euphoric feeling. But will never be able to achieve. (I'm not an addict or ever have been but this is what it's like I imagine)

 

Please please get help. I know he's an escape from your marriage. But it's not helpful and you are only hurting yourself.

[Chica80]

Jenkins... I just spent 20 minutes trying to figure out how to PM or something but I couldn't figure it out so I'll just post here. Thank you so much for your kind words. I read your post and cried, not because I felt bad but because it was so healing to my soul to hear..

 

To an outsider I suppose they wouldn't understand why I just don't leave.. I think I'm a little defective maybe. I'm an extremely cerebral person.. I work in a specialized scientific field that makes me solve problems.. but they are problems I can physically see, so it's easy to see the answer (X + Y = Z)...

 

I fully admit that I am out of my league with this psychological exchange going on with MM and I... When we argue, I see the problem and try to solve it with him, but he won't respond. And so I'm lost. And I'm in pain. And I don't know how to make it better... Leaving is so difficult for me to think about, we work in such close quarters. His cubicle is right next to me, or we are literally shoulder-to-shoulder in the lab as we work.. It's easy to say to leave my job, but I wouldn't have anywhere else to go. If push comes to shove, I will suffer the emotional turmoil to keep my job because at least I get some satisfaction from that.. making a difference in this world and all..

 

Thank you though for the responses.. It has helped more than I could say.

 

Hi ID welcome to this thread...

Are you married? Do you have children? Are you in IC, sorry if you have already answered these questions.

 

(Am on phone so can't type as much)

 

Just know you are know defective or there is something wrong with you. We ate all broken in some way, hence why we are here.

 

I will agree with the other posters. Your MM sounds like a very controlling abusive, person.

I can understand and relate to the silent treatment, emotional punishment. My stbxh was this way. Not the extreme. But still there.

Hang in there. Love and hugs

[jenkins95]

(((ImaginaryDreams))))

 

Thank you for the lovely reply, and sorry if I came across as harsh in my message - I've just re-read it and it seems a little aggressive. You don't need anyone like me to tell you that affairs are toxic. You already know it, but as I know very well from my own experience, it's one thing knowing this and another thing entirely to find the strength to put an end to it. You will be OK - you will find your way out your own way and on your terms. We are here to support you whether you are in an a or not.

 

I think you and I are very similar. I too work in a technical job. Problems have definite solutions. I solve problem X by writing algorithm Y.....and everything works! Black and white, objective and uncontroversial! But as I found when I got into an affair, there are rarely black and white solutions when we get ourselves into that kind of mess. When things started going wrong - D-days, etc, I felt trapped, I tried to find solutions in pure logic and reason, but our emotional needs transcend cold logic and my 'solutions' fell very short of the mark. The affair did eventually end, but left so much heartbreak and damage in its wake. But we are doing much better now and lots of lessons have been learned. I know that you too will get past this soon ID. I'm here for you.

 

Thinking of you. Please keep posting. Get through the weekend, it is usually the hardest time of the week to get through when we feel broken and lonely.

Edited October 8, 2016 by jenkins95

[Forever broken]

Ladies (and gentlemen who are here)... I'm broken today.

 

I know I don't post much, but I read. This is the only thread I want to post this to because maybe someone will understand... The up/down hot/cold push/pull... that was always MM and I. This last time lasted a week. He was so angry at me while I was away on a work conference because he saw a FB post where I hugged someone (another man). Totally innocent. The thing is.. he doesn't let me know he's angry, I just have to figure it out because he just goes silent. Utterly silent. No accusatory words, no arguments, nothing. He finally reached out a week later saying how jealous he was, that it wasn't fair because he has no right to be, blah blah blah... it was a long conversation but (and I apologize but I can't remember the post) I remember someone saying how after each blow-up, things can be more intense. That is exactly what happened. Intense emotion, words of love.. After almost 4 years, we finally said it...

 

Texting this morning, feeling great.. I start goofing around with him about my upcoming getaway with my sisters and cousins. I say, "guess we'll be getting naked a lot! There's usually a skinny-dip or two while us girls get away.." I thought I was being funny (I've grown up with 2 sisters and tons of girls cousins.. this sort of thing isn't unusual to me), but he apparently is SO not ok with it and I just don't understand.. He says he needs to "process my excitement about getting naked with my family" and it floored me.. he refuses to talk to me now. How can someone who claims to love you just shut you down like that and be so cruel? My only answer is that he doesn't love me. After such an intense high this week, I'm suffering an intense low..

 

I don't understand. How can a person do this to another? Am I the one who is in the wrong here? I feel like he's over reacting to this but now I'm questioning everything..

 

I don't care anymore, I'll pour everything out. I'm in IC and we're addressing my alcohol intake.. I drink to dull the pain. All I can think about right now is drowning myself of this pain, and I'm reaching out here first in case someone, anyone, knows what this is like. I'm sorry if I've strayed this thread off topic, but I just needed to get this out to anyone.

 

 

Am sorry but you don't deserve that. Look at it this way, is perfectly okay for him to go home to his wife but you cannot even give another man a hug because he's jealous? What about you? How does it make you feel when he's at home ? Do not be a door mat for him. You should be able to carry with your life whether in an affair or not.

Edited October 8, 2016 by Forever broken
errors

[ImaginaryDream]

I just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone for your thoughts and words... I've called a friend to come over so I'm not alone, as I feel sitting in my apartment binge-watching The Flash on Netflix isn't doing much for my emotional state right now.. I think it's best I'm not alone and tempted to get back into some habits I've strived so hard to stop.

[Chica80]

I don't know what to say. He came over, because I asked him to. It was only supposed to be for a while. I don't really know what to say.

 

He didn't come for sex, if that is what anyone is thinking. Because I want to and he always says no. It will hurt me more, that it is not what I want. He will make sure I am taken care of. That my needs are met.

 

I feel sometimes...it's all a test. I'm going to push you and push you more. What I really want is for you to tell me no. To make boundaries for me. Like a child testing limits.

 

I feel so lost right now....thanks for reading...

[Grey Cloud]

I don't know what to say. He came over, because I asked him to. It was only supposed to be for a while. I don't really know what to say.

 

He didn't come for sex, if that is what anyone is thinking. Because I want to and he always says no. It will hurt me more, that it is not what I want. He will make sure I am taken care of. That my needs are met.

 

I feel sometimes...it's all a test. I'm going to push you and push you more. What I really want is for you to tell me no. To make boundaries for me. Like a child testing limits.

 

I feel so lost right now....thanks for reading...

 

Hi Sunshine, were you physical at all? Kissing? You talk about him taking care of you in the physical sense so I wasn't sure whether something did happen or not.

 

ok so you tested the boundary - he came over on a weekend, he spent time with you, you may or may not have been physical. But what does it achieve? He goes home to his wife. What do you want from him? Do you want him to leave his wife? Do you want him to declare feelings for you? I think you are in limbo - not wanting to move forwards but being stuck in this place where you are kind of friends but you are feeling tortured by it all. I think one day the pain will outweigh whatever benefits you are receiving now by having him in your life. His situation won't be changing anytime soon, will yours?

[Grey Cloud]

I don't know what to say. He came over, because I asked him to. It was only supposed to be for a while. I don't really know what to say.

 

He didn't come for sex, if that is what anyone is thinking. Because I want to and he always says no. It will hurt me more, that it is not what I want. He will make sure I am taken care of. That my needs are met.

 

I feel sometimes...it's all a test. I'm going to push you and push you more. What I really want is for you to tell me no. To make boundaries for me. Like a child testing limits.

 

I feel so lost right now....thanks for reading...

 

Hi Sunshine, were you physical at all? Kissing? You talk about him taking care of you in the physical sense so I wasn't sure whether something did happen or not.

 

ok so you tested the boundary - he came over on a weekend, he spent time with you, you may or may not have been physical. But what does it achieve? He goes home to his wife. What do you want from him? Do you want him to leave his wife? Do you want him to declare feelings for you? I think you are in limbo - not wanting to move forwards but being stuck in this place where you are kind of friends but you are feeling tortured by it all. I think one day the pain will outweigh whatever benefits you are receiving now by having him in your life. His situation won't be changing anytime soon, will yours? Otherwise you will be forever in limbo. Hugs!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Lost Girl, Sunshine and all the others - ladies, please stop sleeping with these men. I know your stories and you are not in the "happy" affair fog. You are in the "trying to end this miserable thing" affair stage. I'm not going to say anything about these men, but they are probably as broken as all of us, so don't look for them to stop this train. You need to pull the plug and step one is no more physical intimacy. You are circling the drain.

 

I can PROMISE you that if you stop, the physical cravings and "love" will go away. It will take time but the pain will go away. Of course as you know from me, the anger takes longer but the sadness, longing and despair will go away. But you simply must stop kissing, touching and sleeping with these men. They are cocaine and will destroy you.

 

It's for your own survival at this time. Pull the band-aid off.

[lemondrop21]

ImaginaryDreams, I'm just chiming in to confirm what all the others have said - he sounds like some kind of sociopath or narcissist. This isn't your fault, it's the way he is and he's extremely unlikely to change. There are a lot of resources out there about narcissists... google is your friend. I'm glad you are in IC too. Wishing you peace and healing, and to get as far away from this man as possible.

[Chica80]

Hi Sunshine, were you physical at all? Kissing? You talk about him taking care of you in the physical sense so I wasn't sure whether something did happen or not.

 

ok so you tested the boundary - he came over on a weekend, he spent time with you, you may or may not have been physical. But what does it achieve? He goes home to his wife. What do you want from him? Do you want him to leave his wife? Do you want him to declare feelings for you? I think you are in limbo - not wanting to move forwards but being stuck in this place where you are kind of friends but you are feeling tortured by it all. I think one day the pain will outweigh whatever benefits you are receiving now by having him in your life. His situation won't be changing anytime soon, will yours?

 

Hi Sorry it was after 130am so some things weren't explained well.

 

We do everything but actual intercourse. Partly..maybe it's his line he won't cross. Partly because somehow that has made it more painful, emotionally in the past for me. I'm a very sexual person in general...when I'm stressed I need it even more. He came over I told him I wanted to see him. He said we could go for a quick drink. So it's always a back and forth. Be physical not be physical. He was happy sitting on the couch talking. I pushed for more. No matter what he always makes sure I get off. He is ok not, as long as my physical needs are met. (does that explain better? Sorry don't want to be too graphic on thread)

 

He won't leave his wife. I don't want him to. Because it will ruin everything for him. There is not future for us. I know this have always known this. Have I hoped. Of course!! I wished he would have changed his mind. I had hoped for it. But knew he wouldn't.

 

Since the start of A. to now. I have changed I have grown more. I'm just not ready yet. I don't know when that will be. I've told him I will move on when I'm ready. Not sure what it is I'm waiting for. Maybe for DDAY to come for him to have no choice. To cut me out abandon me and that will complete my cycle of love and abandonment.....

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi Sorry it was after 130am so some things weren't explained well.

 

We do everything but actual intercourse. Partly..maybe it's his line he won't cross. Partly because somehow that has made it more painful, emotionally in the past for me. I'm a very sexual person in general...when I'm stressed I need it even more. He came over I told him I wanted to see him. He said we could go for a quick drink. So it's always a back and forth. Be physical not be physical. He was happy sitting on the couch talking. I pushed for more. No matter what he always makes sure I get off. He is ok not, as long as my physical needs are met. (does that explain better? Sorry don't want to be too graphic on thread)

 

He won't leave his wife. I don't want him to. Because it will ruin everything for him. There is not future for us. I know this have always known this. Have I hoped. Of course!! I wished he would have changed his mind. I had hoped for it. But knew he wouldn't.

 

Since the start of A. to now. I have changed I have grown more. I'm just not ready yet. I don't know when that will be. I've told him I will move on when I'm ready. Not sure what it is I'm waiting for. Maybe for DDAY to come for him to have no choice. To cut me out abandon me and that will complete my cycle of love and abandonment.....

 

Why are you giving him all the power? Trust me, it is the worst feeling to have the guy cut off.

[Chica80]

Why are you giving him all the power? Trust me, it is the worst feeling to have the guy cut off.

 

Why do we get in A? It's not logical or healthy, it's destructive. I'm not giving him the power....I here what you are saying. I was processing out my thoughts.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Why do we get in A? It's not logical or healthy, it's destructive. I'm not giving him the power....I here what you are saying. I was processing out my thoughts.

 

I know. I have done that a lot here. I'm not attacking you.

[Chica80]

I know. I have done that a lot here. I'm not attacking you.

 

 

I know I'm having a hard day today processing things. Thank you. I know your words come from a good place

[Jemima1234]

Hi Sorry it was after 130am so some things weren't explained well.

 

We do everything but actual intercourse. Partly..maybe it's his line he won't cross. Partly because somehow that has made it more painful, emotionally in the past for me. I'm a very sexual person in general...when I'm stressed I need it even more. He came over I told him I wanted to see him. He said we could go for a quick drink. So it's always a back and forth. Be physical not be physical. He was happy sitting on the couch talking. I pushed for more. No matter what he always makes sure I get off. He is ok not, as long as my physical needs are met. (does that explain better? Sorry don't want to be too graphic on thread)

 

He won't leave his wife. I don't want him to. Because it will ruin everything for him. There is not future for us. I know this have always known this. Have I hoped. Of course!! I wished he would have changed his mind. I had hoped for it. But knew he wouldn't.

 

Since the start of A. to now. I have changed I have grown more. I'm just not ready yet. I don't know when that will be. I've told him I will move on when I'm ready. Not sure what it is I'm waiting for. Maybe for DDAY to come for him to have no choice. To cut me out abandon me and that will complete my cycle of love and abandonment.....

 

 

I get a lot of this! But for me it's a high followed by such a low!! After he left did you hear from him? Have you today? Just curious!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I know I'm having a hard day today processing things. Thank you. I know your words come from a good place

 

I am just coming to certain realizations about myself and all this stuff and trying to help. I can only imagine how impossible it would have been to move on if I kept seeing xMM privately. The only thing that has helped me has been not talking to him. I'm currently trying to break the hold he has on me to ruin my day with an email or talking to me. I'm trying to let go of the anger. I believe it's the last emotion I am holding onto.

[Chica80]

I get a lot of this! But for me it's a high followed by such a low!! After he left did you hear from him? Have you today? Just curious!

 

No. Like I said it was 130am when he left. If I text him he will respond.

He has a lot going on the next couple days. So I don't want to distract him. I already did last night.

 

I need some space, need to clear things in my head so no.

 

Ya the high highs....and low lows.....