"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[ZBA]

I've had an ok day, tomorrow is a full moon....my XMOW has been real quiet lately, I've learned through a co-worker friend she is not happy, I believe she is leaning on drinking as a crutch too (one thing her father is good at) it's an excuse, but habits can take over real fast if you are not careful....I've had a rough spell though too, I miss her.....I was looking at her pictures, especially the ones where she is smiling because her nose crinkles and she looks so damn cute.....I miss her touch, and her breathy kisses....

 

Yea, it sucks when you get the case of the feels and the memories start back up like a movie that you can't leave......

 

Same exact mood, Outofmysystem. Especially that last line. Tried writing my feelings down to get it out of my system but unfortunately it didn't help. Hope you are feeling better.

[Lostgirl186]

I've had an ok day, tomorrow is a full moon....my XMOW has been real quiet lately, I've learned through a co-worker friend she is not happy, I believe she is leaning on drinking as a crutch too (one thing her father is good at) it's an excuse, but habits can take over real fast if you are not careful....I've had a rough spell though too, I miss her.....I was looking at her pictures, especially the ones where she is smiling because her nose crinkles and she looks so damn cute.....I miss her touch, and her breathy kisses....

 

Yea, it sucks when you get the case of the feels and the memories start back up like a movie that you can't leave......

 

Oh no.. Full moon.. Maybe we all need to group conference tomorrow night, can't fare well with a bunch of vulnerable A addicts for sure. I hate your going thru this also, and everyone says not to look at photos etc.. And I am guilty of doing the same. Maybe just trying to feel something other than sad or numb.. Tomorrow is a new day, Outofmysystem we've got this, right?

[ZBA]

Oh no.. Full moon.. Maybe we all need to group conference tomorrow night, can't fare well with a bunch of vulnerable A addicts for sure.

 

Lostgirl - that sounds brilliant, girl

[Rea]

I'm sorry so many of us are having a bad time.

 

I miss xMM, I really do. Doesn't matter that I could contact him if I wanted to (which I haven't for 10 days now). It's the physical closeness I miss too, not just the sound of his voice, but his touch.

 

I think looking at photo's and other memorabilia kind of validates the feelings we are left with, it's confirming that it was real.

 

It's the deep loss of a loved one that we are processing, but we have no grave to lay flowers at. We can't shed tears of grief openly. We mourn quietly and alone (other than you great people here). But that's so damn hard to do when you have to carry on with the normality of life with family and friends who have no idea what we're processing, or the roller coaster of emotions this creates.

 

This phase should be called 'The Dehabilitation Phase'.

 

I hope today finds us all more positive.

Edited July 5, 2016 by Rea
Typo

[Poppy47]

Rea,

I echo your sentiments. I spent a great deal of time with xMM ...dunno how he did it. I miss every aspect of it very much.

 

Unfortunately, today I really had to drive past the last place I saw him before I ended it. We took a picnic to the river on the most glorious Autumn day, had a beer together and talked for 3 hours.

 

I saw the empty table and seat where we sat and so much sadness swept over me. I almost caved and sent him an email. I could any time but I didn't. It was a shock to feel so devestated after 10weeks NC. It was a trigger for sure.

 

We are all a miserable lot of idiots at the moment, aren't we?

 

Keep the Faith,

Poppy.

[Chica80]

My weekend didn't start out so great....anniversaries in a way.

 

A year ago. MM left to get married (he was engaged when we started A) he left. And I fell apart. I was a mess for days. So I was angry I thought. It's been a year already. A year now. He chose not me. He got married. Yet here I am a year later.

 

The weekend had ups and downs. Ultimately it ended well. Though. I made an effort to be with friends. But we are back in a LC.

 

I hope the week is better for all..

[Chica80]

LOST tomorrow when you go to wrk....and you feel an urge type on here. Or post on here.

 

OUT I'm sorry it's been so rough... looking at pics maybe not good idea? (I mean that with love) you can't help her. If she is back to drinking. It's not you and you can't save her. ....

[Outofmysystem]

ZBA,Lost,Poppy, Chika, thanks for the thoughts......those "sad sack" moments still come and go, even after all this time....

 

"Time.....heals nothing....Time, is a magazine"......

 

One of my favorite lines that I laugh at just thinking about it.....

 

Have a better day everyone, I'll try and do the same.

[Lostgirl186]

Because I'm sitting at my desk and can't think straight...my first thoughts were "I bet he won't even notice i haven't text him today." I normally text him at some point thru out the morning of every workday. I realize this will never work unless I stop worrying about whether or not he's going to miss me and start worrying more about how good for me this is in the long run.. That being said, I need a big distraction today..

 

So, any of you that are seasoned in the NC or LC.. How long did your very first no contact last? who initiated it? How did it happen (giant blowup, dday, etc.) who broke it first? From what I understand, there are usually multiple attempts at LC or NC before one sticks... And GO!

Edited July 5, 2016 by Lostgirl186

[Rea]

Rea,

I echo your sentiments. I spent a great deal of time with xMM ...dunno how he did it. I miss every aspect of it very much.

 

Unfortunately, today I really had to drive past the last place I saw him before I ended it. We took a picnic to the river on the most glorious Autumn day, had a beer together and talked for 3 hours.

 

I saw the empty table and seat where we sat and so much sadness swept over me. I almost caved and sent him an email. I could any time but I didn't. It was a shock to feel so devestated after 10weeks NC. It was a trigger for sure.

 

We are all a miserable lot of idiots at the moment, aren't we?

 

Keep the Faith,

Poppy.

 

It's so tough, visiting or passing a place where we used to frequent. I feel for you Poppy. But I have to say I love the way you were able to meet before ending it, but it's tough to be somewhere you've been with them, it's like they're there.

 

I used to walk in this park, right from childhood. I adore this place, but I struggle terribly to go there. I took him there the first time he tried to end it. He fell in love with it and me all over again. We used to meet there about three times a week after that for the best part of a year. We just walked and talked. I miss that so much. He's such a great conversationalist. we challenged each other and I know that's a part of what we both miss terribly.

[ZBA]

Rea,

I echo your sentiments. I spent a great deal of time with xMM ...dunno how he did it. I miss every aspect of it very much.

 

Unfortunately, today I really had to drive past the last place I saw him before I ended it. We took a picnic to the river on the most glorious Autumn day, had a beer together and talked for 3 hours.

 

I saw the empty table and seat where we sat and so much sadness swept over me. I almost caved and sent him an email. I could any time but I didn't. It was a shock to feel so devestated after 10weeks NC. It was a trigger for sure.

 

We are all a miserable lot of idiots at the moment, aren't we?

 

Keep the Faith,

Poppy.

 

Triggers are the worst. I had a strong one yesterday. I bought him a shirt for his birthday, before things ended, and the image on it was a special, obscure reference to our relationship. No one else would ever read its special meaning, or even think it has one. Sadly, I never did get to see him wear it as everything went horribly wrong after that. I assumed he stashed it away somewhere forgettable or even threw it out after we ended. But yesterday, just over a week since our last communication, I saw a photo of him wearing the shirt for the first time. Yes, I looked. And yes, my stomach twisted in knots and I cried.

 

 

OUT, how are you feeling today? How about you, LOST and also REA? POPPY, I hope your moment of sadness has passed, as you seem so resolved to move forward.

 

 

I'm THISCLOSE to reaching out right now. I haven't, but want to speak to him so badly.

Edited July 5, 2016 by ZBA

[Rea]

Because I'm sitting at my desk and can't think straight...my first thoughts were "I bet he won't even notice i haven't text him today." I normally text him at some point thru out the morning of every workday. I realize this will never work unless I stop worrying about whether or not he's going to miss me and start worrying more about how good for me this is in the long run.. That being said, I need a big distraction today..

 

So, any of you that are seasoned in the NC or LC.. How long did your very first no contact last? who initiated it? How did it happen (giant blowup, dday, etc.) who broke it first? From what I understand, there are usually multiple attempts at LC or NC before one sticks... And GO!

 

 

N/C & LC

I think about a week is the best we've done at NC until recently and it's always been initiated by me and ended by him. I struggle terribly with NC.

 

The first time was pretty much the same as the other times. Me having a melt down. Can't take being kept in the shadows, sitting on the sidelines of life when he gets 'it all'. He get really frustrated with me when I would say that to him. He understood what I meant, but then we would talk about what it was like for him being 'stuck' with someone he does love and can't bring himself to leave, even though he wants to be with me. The truth is he's where he wants/needs to be. He chose the path.

 

In reality, I think he would rather have me as his wife, I truly do. But I know that the core of who he is cannot take letting her down by doing that, or his family, extended family and friends. He enjoys the kudos of being who he is. To have a mistress adds to that for him. If he found himself on his own, I'm 99.9% sure he'd come seeking me out. He once actually said to me "I don't know who to choose." I promptly reminded him that if this all comes out he might not have a choice!

 

LC is working so much better as I am finding that the urge to reach out is less, although last night and today are challenging me, but I know he is away so that is helping. But it's each to their own as far as I'm concerned. I think you have to seriously look at how boundaried you can be once you're so far in. I have no boundaries to begin with (where he was concerned, I've never done anything like this before). LC for me at the moment means if I need to say hi I can, but we are both clear this is NOT an invite for a physical meeting or a declaration of how much we love and need each other. It's seeking reassurance that he is ok and this was real. I guess you could call it seeking validation.

[Rea]

Triggers are the worst. I had a strong one yesterday. I bought him a shirt for his birthday, before things ended, and the image on it was a special, obscure reference to our relationship. No one else would ever read its special meaning, or even think it has one. Sadly, I never did get to see him wear it as everything went horribly wrong after that. I assumed he stashed it away somewhere forgettable or even threw it out after we ended. But yesterday, just over a week since our last communication, I saw a photo of him wearing the shirt for the first time. Yes, I looked. And yes, my stomach twisted in knots and I cried.

 

 

OUT, how are you feeling today? How about you, LOST and also REA? POPPY, I hope your moment of sadness has passed, as you seem so resolved to move forward.

 

 

I'm THISCLOSE to reaching out right now. I haven't, but want to speak to him so badly.

 

I feel for you ZBA, I really do. That's tough to see, home wearing it, knowing you bought it for him. I wonder what goes through his mind?!? Seriously, sometimes I am astonished at how different males/females are. We would place such an act as having so much emotional attachment.

 

I think looking them up is natural. We all know we shouldn't do it, but...

 

Coming here really helps. 'Meeting' up with others who are all aching for an 'out of bounds' other really helps. No judgement, no do this do that, but support and suggestive remedies. It helps me in feeling secure in voicing how I'm feeling. I guess it's the acknowledgment and understanding of feelings, however transient they may be.

[Rea]

My weekend didn't start out so great....anniversaries in a way.

 

A year ago. MM left to get married (he was engaged when we started A) he left. And I fell apart. I was a mess for days. So I was angry I thought. It's been a year already. A year now. He chose not me. He got married. Yet here I am a year later.

 

The weekend had ups and downs. Ultimately it ended well. Though. I made an effort to be with friends. But we are back in a LC.

 

I hope the week is better for all..

 

That has to be devastatingly difficult to process! How do they do that? These men who are engaged and go through with their weddings whilst cheating, seriously. I have read this so many times. I feel angry at him that he would do this to you, but devastated for you at having to deal with the anniversaries of such events. He does not love his wife to do that to he. That is pure and utter disrespect for his marriage from the outset.

 

I'm glad you could pull it together Sunshine. You relied on the company of friends. ? The best source of support, I say. Don't look at LC as the be all end all doom and gloom. It's too easy IMO to fall straight back into the A if you do. Then the wheel's keeps on turning.....

You are where you are right now, but it's not set in concrete, is it?

[ZBA]

I feel for you ZBA, I really do. That's tough to see, home wearing it, knowing you bought it for him. I wonder what goes through his mind?!? Seriously, sometimes I am astonished at how different males/females are. We would place such an act as having so much emotional attachment.

 

I think looking them up is natural. We all know we shouldn't do it, but...

 

Coming here really helps. 'Meeting' up with others who are all aching for an 'out of bounds' other really helps. No judgement, no do this do that, but support and suggestive remedies. It helps me in feeling secure in voicing how I'm feeling. I guess it's the acknowledgment and understanding of feelings, however transient they may be.

 

Thanks for your empathy, Rea. I needed it. I, too, wonder what went through his mind as he chose to wear it. Our NC was initiated by him. I know there's for sure an emotional attachment or reaction on his end that came with wearing it - not just because I gave it to him, but because of the very image itself. There's one part of the picture that represents him, and another that represents me. When I ordered the shirt we were still very much together, and everything about the graphic is "us." I'm a mess as I write this.

 

Coming here does help somewhat, but I have to say that tight feeling in my chest never leaves. He told me a couple of weeks he has it too.

 

I agree looking them up feels natural. I keep thinking if I look, it will help me face reality and numb me to the sadness. Right now, the only reason I haven't caved and reached out is honestly I fear the rejection of no reply. I'll just spiral further downward if he gives me silence. Silence can feel so cutting, can't it?

Edited July 5, 2016 by ZBA

[Rea]

Your are right ZBA, silence can feel so cutting. But as someone who is prone to going 'silent' (hence NC being stuck to better by me), NC in no way means they are not thinking of you or experiencing all that you are. I am not advocating breaking NC, but I think it does help us if we know we are not suffering alone.

[Lostgirl186]

Thanks for your empathy, Rea. I needed it. I, too, wonder what went through his mind as he chose to wear it. Our NC was initiated by him. I know there's for sure an emotional attachment or reaction on his end that came with wearing it - not just because I gave it to him, but because of the very image itself. There's one part of the picture that represents him, and another that represents me. When I ordered the shirt we were still very much together, and everything about the graphic is "us." I'm a mess as I write this.

 

Coming here does help somewhat, but I have to say that tight feeling in my chest never leaves. He told me a couple of weeks he has it too.

 

I agree looking them up feels natural. I keep thinking if I look, it will help me face reality and numb me to the sadness. Right now, the only reason I haven't caved and reached out is honestly I fear the rejection of no reply. I'll just spiral further downward if he gives me silence. Silence can feel so cutting, can't it?

 

I'm sorry. I hurt for you reading this. And I know exactly what you mean by the fear of him not replying.. Sometimes the silence hurts worse than anything that could come our of their mouths

[ZBA]

LOST and REA, thank you for your replies. I refreshed the thread several times hoping to see something (I don't know what).

 

I'm sorry to let you guys down. And most of all to let myself down. I don't think I can do this. I'm at my desk at work and am already formulating what to write because I've reached the end of the line emotionally and even the very fleeting relief of hearing from him completely outweighs the pain I'm in right now. I know I'm a fool because I'm sure there would only be more sadness again after any call, and if he doesn't reply at all I'll feel EVEN worse.

 

I've tried seeing a therapist, keeping busy, seeing friends and family, going away for a few days, journaling my feelings, reading this board, reminding myself that if he wanted to reach out he would, and simply letting time do its thing. It's only gotten worse. I have the highest respect for those of you who maintain NC...no idea how you do it. Writing and erasing and rewriting what to say to him right now - and of course disappointed in myself all the while.

[Chica80]

Triggers are the worst. I had a strong one yesterday. I bought him a shirt for his birthday, before things ended, and the image on it was a special, obscure reference to our relationship. But yesterday, just over a week since our last communication, I saw a photo of him wearing the shirt for the first time. Yes, I looked. And yes, my stomach twisted in knots and I cried.

 

I'm THISCLOSE to reaching out right now. I haven't, but want to speak to him so badly.

 

Aww this breaks my heart. I feel your pain, its a way to keep you close but not close....

[Chica80]

That has to be devastatingly difficult to process! How do they do that? These men who are engaged and go through with their weddings whilst cheating, seriously. I have read this so many times. I feel angry at him that he would do this to you, but devastated for you at having to deal with the anniversaries of such events. He does not love his wife to do that to he. That is pure and utter disrespect for his marriage from the outset.

 

I'm glad you could pull it together Sunshine. You relied on the company of friends. ? The best source of support, I say. Don't look at LC as the be all end all doom and gloom. It's too easy IMO to fall straight back into the A if you do. Then the wheel's keeps on turning.....

You are where you are right now, but it's not set in concrete, is it?

 

Ya I hear what you are saying NC just doesn't work for me....I have to ease out I know a lot of people would say No!! It just doesn't I will post in the NC/LC to Lost post. I could tell you more instances that make me think "he does not love her". Not necessarily true. But It's what we talked about the split self......total split self....Ya I'm angry at him! I'm angry at myself...

[Chica80]

LOST and REA, thank you for your replies. I refreshed the thread several times hoping to see something (I don't know what).

 

I'm sorry to let you guys down. And most of all to let myself down. I don't think I can do this. I'm at my desk at work and am already formulating what to write because I've reached the end of the line emotionally and even the very fleeting relief of hearing from him completely outweighs the pain I'm in right now. I know I'm a fool because I'm sure there would only be more sadness again after any call, and if he doesn't reply at all I'll feel EVEN worse.

 

I've tried seeing a therapist, keeping busy, seeing friends and family, going away for a few days, journaling my feelings, reading this board, reminding myself that if he wanted to reach out he would, and simply letting time do its thing. It's only gotten worse. I have the highest respect for those of you who maintain NC...no idea how you do it. Writing and erasing and rewriting what to say to him right now - and of course disappointed in myself all the while.

 

 

You are doing all great things. Just a thought him wearing the shirt isn't that a form of him reaching out? He is thinking of you he wore a shirt that means something to the two of you.

 

Before you do stop and think....He is in pain too. If you reach out he doesn't respond...it will be painful and will make you fell worse.

 

If he does respond it can send you back into your spiral.

 

Either way know you're not alone.

[Chica80]

Ok all initiated by me. NC would be initiated by me... "I hate this, it hurts, it's selfish" I'm getting crumbs...."It's deceitful and will hurt all other people involved"

 

So I say ok no more talking or text or whatever....I always break it. Sometimes a day the most for me is one week. I've shared before the longest was two weeks. He broke that.

 

After we had "intimate, or physical" he would pull away. Not be as responsive or talk as much. The guilt. He has said that he doesn't want to live a double life for all people involved. I think in his mind that only means physical. We text during the day at night on weekends. Despite being in other countries...On his honeymoon. Ya it was only "friendly chit chat" not romantic so I guess that's ok....(and yes I'm being sarcastic)

[Lostgirl186]

LOST and REA, thank you for your replies. I refreshed the thread several times hoping to see something (I don't know what).

 

I'm sorry to let you guys down. And most of all to let myself down. I don't think I can do this. I'm at my desk at work and am already formulating what to write because I've reached the end of the line emotionally and even the very fleeting relief of hearing from him completely outweighs the pain I'm in right now. I know I'm a fool because I'm sure there would only be more sadness again after any call, and if he doesn't reply at all I'll feel EVEN worse.

 

I've tried seeing a therapist, keeping busy, seeing friends and family, going away for a few days, journaling my feelings, reading this board, reminding myself that if he wanted to reach out he would, and simply letting time do its thing. It's only gotten worse. I have the highest respect for those of you who maintain NC...no idea how you do it. Writing and erasing and rewriting what to say to him right now - and of course disappointed in myself all the while.

 

 

What your explaining is exactly how I feel when I try not to talk to him... Like I'm about to explode, and I know one little reply from him will release the pressure so to speak. I compare it to taking a hit from a drug... You know you don't need it, it's bad for you, but you crave it, and you know one little hit will give you the feeling of euphoria. In haven't reached the craving yet.. But by this afternoon or tomorrow, I'm afraid I will. Why don't you tell us what you are feeling like telling him?

[ZBA]

What your explaining is exactly how I feel when I try not to talk to him... Like I'm about to explode, and I know one little reply from him will release the pressure so to speak. I compare it to taking a hit from a drug... You know you don't need it, it's bad for you, but you crave it, and you know one little hit will give you the feeling of euphoria. In haven't reached the craving yet.. But by this afternoon or tomorrow, I'm afraid I will. Why don't you tell us what you are feeling like telling him?

 

It is absolutely and completely like a hit from a drug in every way. I will admit something utterly embarrassing. We'd been using a separate (more discreet) chat app to communicate. While we've BARELY spoken in 2 weeks, and nothing at ALL in 1 week... during this 1 week of zero contact, I still open the app. It shows the last time he checked it, and I get a teeny, tiny jolt whenever I see the most recent timestamp that he logged in. It only lasts for a fraction of an instant, but it's that pathetic "hit" of knowing concretely that he thought of me, and checked. He looks at least once a day... but has rare spurts of checking it 4, 5 times within an hour.

 

What would I say to him? There's a lot. For one, we have unfinished business (literally business...not relating to personal issues between us). I was in the midst of helping him with an order for his business when he suddenly went NC, so it's just sat there, unfinished. I have $$ in my account from his clients who are expecting their orders, but I can't purchase until he gives me the remaining balance owed. Second, he owes me a separate sum money. I lent him an amount (again, for his business) that didn't set me back in a huge way, but is still substantial enough that I can't just give it away. The money from his clients doesn't amount to what he owes me, or I would have just cancelled the two out. I know he HAS to talk to me about this eventually for the sake of his business/clients... but he hasn't.

 

But all of this is a total excuse! And I'm fully aware of it. I know in my heart that the business stuff is just a last remaining thread, a final "valid" reason that's left to reach out to him. The truth is, I really just want to talk to him and know what he's thinking. Hear his voice. Tell him how I've felt. Listen, nobody needs to tell me there's no point in that, because I already know. But there's this need to talk about things that I can't stifle. I'd rather start with LC than NC. For context, this is someone I spoke to and saw 6 days a week for two and a half years...and we were friends for another year before that. I'd want to ask him if NC for good is what he wants. I'd rather know concretely than wonder and hope.

[Lostgirl186]

It is absolutely and completely like a hit from a drug in every way. I will admit something utterly embarrassing. We'd been using a separate (more discreet) chat app to communicate. While we've BARELY spoken in 2 weeks, and nothing at ALL in 1 week... during this 1 week of zero contact, I still open the app. It shows the last time he checked it, and I get a teeny, tiny jolt whenever I see the most recent timestamp that he logged in. It only lasts for a fraction of an instant, but it's that pathetic "hit" of knowing concretely that he thought of me, and checked. He looks at least once a day... but has rare spurts of checking it 4, 5 times within an hour.

 

What would I say to him? There's a lot. For one, we have unfinished business (literally business...not relating to personal issues between us). I was in the midst of helping him with an order for his business when he suddenly went NC, so it's just sat there, unfinished. I have $$ in my account from his clients who are expecting their orders, but I can't purchase until he gives me the remaining balance owed. Second, he owes me a separate sum money. I lent him an amount (again, for his business) that didn't set me back in a huge way, but is still substantial enough that I can't just give it away. The money from his clients doesn't amount to what he owes me, or I would have just cancelled the two out. I know he HAS to talk to me about this eventually for the sake of his business/clients... but he hasn't.

 

But all of this is a total excuse! And I'm fully aware of it. I know in my heart that the business stuff is just a last remaining thread, a final "valid" reason that's left to reach out to him. The truth is, I really just want to talk to him and know what he's thinking. Hear his voice. Tell him how I've felt. Listen, nobody needs to tell me there's no point in that, because I already know. But there's this need to talk about things that I can't stifle. I'd rather start with LC than NC. For context, this is someone I spoke to and saw 6 days a week for two and a half years...and we were friends for another year before that. I'd want to ask him if NC for good is what he wants. I'd rather know concretely than wonder and hope.

 

No one will judge here. You do what feels right for you. but one week of not talking at all, that's really great. I think I missed your story? Did you have a dday? How long was your A? We're there any I love yous or future faking?