wmacbride Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 This is a simple question, but it can have a lot of answers. If you are a bs, how do you feel viewed by other who know about your situation? Why do you think you are viewed in that way? Just my own opinion, but it's often a case of damned if you do and damned of you don't. By that, I mean that if you choose to stay, you will get grief. If you choose to go, you'll get grief about it from someone, and no matter what, there will be some who say it's your fault. Ah well. I wonder what those same people will have to say if and when it ever happens to them:laugh: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tread Carefully Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 I got a lot of grief from family asking why I had stayed so long. They didn't realize how long the gas lighting and trickle truth was happening. They thought I found out everything right away and then stayed because I was an idiot. I wasn't an idiot, I wanted to find out the truth. When he finally told me he loved her and refused to answer any further questions, my kids and I were gone as fast as I could pack the car. I would have gone the reconciliation route if it had only about sex. But it wasn't. He gave his heart and love to someone else and I believe when that happened, any original love for me was gone. Caring about someone isn't being in love with them. I didn't necessarily get grief from friends but a lot of my married couple friends either drifted away or just up and left because I was now single and a 3rd wheel. That hurt a lot. They said I couldn't do "couple" activities anymore and it would feel awkward if I joined them. Sometimes I wonder if I just should've stayed with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 I am glad no one else knows about it so I don't have to answer to anyone. Not their business! Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Idk... wanting to see my kids every day was my reason for offering another chance and I required a postnup to boot so I think most folks who know are pretty understanding 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 I have been fully supported by all who know. Most actually encouraged reconciliation. They all feel my ex was a good guy who really messed up. A couple have been through the same. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 In our case, only a handful of people that i am aware of know our situation. Part of me thinks there are more than I know, know, but I do not give it much thought. I guess I thought my whole world had crumbled and what other people thought was the least of my worries. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 I guess I thought my whole world had crumbled and what other people thought was the least of my worries. This is the way I felt, too. What others thought or said was and still is the least of my worries. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 If you are a bs, how do you feel viewed by other who know about your situation? hmmmmm... two things - symapthy & pity + relief that it didn't happen to them. i decided to NOT reconcile, we divorced - even though we both kept quiet about the affair; it was pretty obvious when his relationship with the OW became public quickly. i got called strong, better off without him, deserving of better and to be honest - it would have been the same if i stayed. people tell you what you want to hear so it's hard to figure out how they REALLY feel. BUT. my closest friends - who are always honest with me - immediately advised me to leave. said they'll be there for me but openly said i would be a "doormat" to stay with someone who cheated on me and they would forever view my marriage as a fake one... meaning, even though i know they would support me and my life choices in the end... leaving is viewed as strong and the right thing to do while staying is viewed as "putting up with everything you throw her way"; folks always cheer for "justice" and the cheater getting stomped on... they very rarely have in mind yours or your family best interest. EVERYONE thinks they'll leave if they get cheated on; that's usual said when they're pretty sure they WON'T get cheated on. and if there are no kids, people mostly do leave - but kids? that's an entirely other story. Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 Mini, that is the opposite of what happened to me. My friends (our friends) all told me they supported any decision I made, but all felt I was dealing with a 1 time anomaly, not a repeat cheater. One couple told us both (separately) that they had gotten through the same thing (I was shocked, had no idea) and were confident that we could too. Wh confessed to our friends and holds himself accountable to them as well for the lying. All of the people we are close to support our marriage. No one told me to leave, no one told me I was a doormat. Regardless, I sometimes feel like reconciling makes me one, I think we all feel that way at times. The only person who was against my husband reconciling with me was my mother in law (and the mow, obvs). And after 30 yrs of her telling me how much she adored me, that was a second kick in the teeth. Her masked slipped big time and she got mean and furious with me. ??? She went no contact with me when he confessed, and was not pleased that he wanted to save the marriage. "If you reconcile, you give missy all the control! Don't DO THAT." So now she has no relationship with me or our kids. She tells everyone how much she misses us, but oddly has not reached out to any of us in 2 years. once I got over the shock of her betrayal, I realized how toxic she had been to me, but that I had felt guilty for years because I didn't trust her or feel comfortable around her. She's a therapist, lol. The mow worshipped her, and while wh takes full responsibility for his actions, he and I both (and all of the therapists he's seen) wonder what mil role was in the the whole mow mess. More than one shrink has told us that mil views wh as her life partner, and that she's waited 30 yrs to have him come back and be with her. She set up a brand new bedroom for him in her house right after dday - "if she wants you to leave, I just put on a brand new duvet! Come over!" Never mentioned the kids or asked if everyone was alright. Ew, right? Glad that shizz is out of my life and I'm 1000 miles away now. But it clearly is really still painful for me to accept. One of the biggest reasons I had for leaving was that I could cut his entire family out of my life forever, what a dream that would be. Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 I think it's a perception because we live in a culture that shames grief. People dismiss others pain because it makes them feel better about themselves. Ambiguous Loss 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 Mini, that is the opposite of what happened to me. My friends (our friends) all told me they supported any decision I made, but all felt I was dealing with a 1 time anomaly, not a repeat cheater. One couple told us both (separately) that they had gotten through the same thing (I was shocked, had no idea) and were confident that we could too. Wh confessed to our friends and holds himself accountable to them as well for the lying. All of the people we are close to support our marriage. No one told me to leave, no one told me I was a doormat. Regardless, I sometimes feel like reconciling makes me one, I think we all feel that way at times. The only person who was against my husband reconciling with me was my mother in law (and the mow, obvs). And after 30 yrs of her telling me how much she adored me, that was a second kick in the teeth. Her masked slipped big time and she got mean and furious with me. ??? She went no contact with me when he confessed, and was not pleased that he wanted to save the marriage. "If you reconcile, you give missy all the control! Don't DO THAT." So now she has no relationship with me or our kids. She tells everyone how much she misses us, but oddly has not reached out to any of us in 2 years. once I got over the shock of her betrayal, I realized how toxic she had been to me, but that I had felt guilty for years because I didn't trust her or feel comfortable around her. She's a therapist, lol. The mow worshipped her, and while wh takes full responsibility for his actions, he and I both (and all of the therapists he's seen) wonder what mil role was in the the whole mow mess. More than one shrink has told us that mil views wh as her life partner, and that she's waited 30 yrs to have him come back and be with her. She set up a brand new bedroom for him in her house right after dday - "if she wants you to leave, I just put on a brand new duvet! Come over!" Never mentioned the kids or asked if everyone was alright. Ew, right? Glad that shizz is out of my life and I'm 1000 miles away now. But it clearly is really still painful for me to accept. One of the biggest reasons I had for leaving was that I could cut his entire family out of my life forever, what a dream that would be. WOW Missy! That's terrible about your MIL. When I had my affair...I told my mom before I told John. When I told John I told him she knew...and he turned to my mom. We are both very grateful to my mom. She was wise...and supporting of both of us. She is a very strong Christian woman...and she encouraged reconciliation... She told John sometimes young wives made a bad decision...and learn from it and never do it again and become better wives. I think he held on to that hope...which is why he gave me so much time. I believe I have proven my mom to be right. We never told anyone in John's family..and I fear if we had...it may have ruined the relationship i had with them. His parents loved me very much and would have been so very disappointed in me. It was John's choice to not tell them....but I was very glad he made that choice. I loved his parents very much... So in reading your story....I am thinking how lucky we were. My mom helped to save us...we both know it. I can't imagine how we would have reconciled without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmacbride Posted June 20, 2016 Author Share Posted June 20, 2016 My H left not long after I found out about the A, and I needed to have support. I had my best friends and my mom and dad. I was lucky in that they were really good about it and were very non-judgemental. I also had the support of the my husband's squadron's padre. I had called the MPFSP for help, and they recommended him to me. Even though I am agnostic, he was awesome and quite blunt. He also swore a lot, in english, french and russian. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 (edited) My brother understood why I stayed and thinks my wife has changed for the better since dDay (he has a point)...my late father encouraged me to stay and felt my wife would remain true to me going forward - he felt once married I should try to stick it out - although he felt I should not have married her in the first place. On of my therapists is very old school and has told me to stay in my marriage and just accept what it is and is not - and not to try to change her. Most of my anonymous (or semi anonymous) internet friends don't know why I stayed after dDay all those years ago , or why I continue to stay now in a low sex marriage. I have to admit my brother and dad got to see and know my life, home, marriage, wife and kids in person - spent time with us. So they saw good as well as bad. Often I feel my "I-friends" only hear the bad stuff. So maybe thats the difference in views. My real life friends and other family members don't know much if anything about my marriage or the issues because I have refrained from sharing. Edited June 20, 2016 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 I think that anyone who knew me at that time and knows me now thinks I'm an idiot for having stayed. He was a real jerk for a long time. Anyone who meets us now and hears about what happened, they can't really see the wounds. They think he and I are great together. I hear that a lot. I really wish he would've put me through this. I still debate leaving. Almost. Every. Day. We would've been pretty awesome together otherwise. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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