Guilt

[RIPGonzo]

This is the first time I've actually posted on this site, although I do come here and read a lot. Anyway, I feel terrible right now, although I know I'm doing the right thing.

I have been with this girl for off and on, a year and a half. Unfortunately, she is very needy and very controlling. When we were just "dating" I had to cut off contact with all of my friends, because she deemed them a "bad influence", once that was done she started pushing me to quit my job (and the career that I love, but she thinks is stupid), because I work nights and couldn't spend enough time with her. Anytime I tried to tell her how I felt she would get angry with me, and we ended up in an abuse cycle (not physical abuse) but constant arguments. Even when she wasn't yelling at me, I would be on the defensive and snap at her because I was expecting an argument to ensue. Even when I was trying to keep the peace, by complying with her wishes she would still make me feel like what I was doing wasn't enough.

 

Earlier this year our relationship was still in that cycle and she ended up pregnant. The day she found out she was pregnant the first thing out of her mouth was "quit your job, so you can work regular hours and see the baby." So I started looking for jobs outside of my chosen profession for the sake of the child. She developed problems from the beginning with the pregnancy and I was there with her for every minute. I took her to doctor's appointments, and the emergency room several times, I did everything around the house etc etc etc. Yet still throughout the pregnancy I was made to feel like I wasn't doing enough. She was constantly pressuring to tell my parents, yet with the problems I wanted to wait until after the first trimester.

 

Recently, at around three months into it, she lost the baby. I was devastated, yet I was prepared for the worst with all the complications. To be honest, I believe the only reason I stayed with her was for the sake of the baby (and I know that's a terrible reason). Anyway, that was about a week ago, and the moment she got home from the hospital the screaming started again. She was yelling at me for working too much, telling me I wasn't there for her and the baby etc etc etc. She lost the baby on Friday, and on Monday got frustrated with me because I didn't tell my parents she was pregnant and lost the baby. Since they didn't know she was pregnant to begin with, I didn't feel like talking to my parents right after Father's Day to tell them they WERE going to have a grandson. Anyway, she starts yelling at me and tells me the relationship is over. Me, with the weight of the world on my shoulders, said fine and she agreed to move out. Later that day she told me she didn't mean what she said, yet I did. I feel suffocated, and just need to get out. The relationship isn't healthy, (she and I both have argued, broken things and have done everything but hit each other)...and I feel for both of us I am making the right decision. Yet I feel guilty because I am sticking to my guns and ending the relationship, just over a week after she miscarried. I feel terrible, but like I said, I feel I'm doing the right thing.

 

Sorry for the long post, but I think I just might've needed to rant more than anything...but I still can't fight this guilty feeling.

[westernxer]

Please don't take her back...

 

You'd be a fool if you did.

[whichwayisup]

As much as your heart was in the right place by doing the right thing, staying with her while she was pregnant, she isn't the right person for you. It's okay to feel bad, but this it is a very very UNHEALTHY relationship, I'm glad you recongnized that and have stuck to your guns.

 

Sometimes s***ty situations happen and things happen for a reason. That doesn't make the loss of your baby any easier, I'm sorry and I'm sure that was very painful. Right now there isn't a good enough reason to pursue anything with her. She probably won't see it that way though. Suggest counselling for her, losing a baby is horrible and I'm sure she's on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

I hope what I said doesn't come off as harsh, I guess what my point is, it's okay to feel bad and abit guilty, but this is YOUR LIFE. You have to do what is right for you, don't stay with anybody out of guilt or expectation, especially if the love isn't there.

[RecordProducer]

You're obviously not right right for each other and you cannot have a bright future together. My husband left me when our twins were babies and as much as I hated him for that, I am - more than everything - grateful to him for saving me from the bad marriage. I am so much better off without him and have plans for my future. It took me a couple of years to get over him, but now I feel nothing and am glad we divorced.

So you're doing both of you a big favor and don't feel guilty for doing the right thing. I don't know how women feel when they have lost a baby, but it's not the worst thing in the world. My ex left me with two little kids when i had no job, money, friends or anything else and was very much in love with him. Sometimes you have to make some cuts in order to improve your life. She will be grateful to you some day.

By the way, not telling your parents about her pregnancy was not a good thing. I would be upset too.