Is it really healthy to know everything about the A if reconciling?

[solostand]

As a former OW, I told my OM's with EVERYTHING. I send her emails, love letters, pictures, the whole lot.

Why?

Because he was lying and trickle truthing her, and making me the villian.

 

I believe she had a right to know EVERYTHING that he said about her, and every lie he told her, and every "I love you" etc. he told me.

You can say I'm wrong, but we had a 2.5 year love affair which he declared undying love to me, and later pretended didn't matter.

Oh, but it did matter during those 2.5 years when he called me ten times a day, even when he was dying, to tell me he loved me.

I simply felt his wife needed to know who she was actually married to.

The affair is over now, has been for a very long time, but I hate being portrayed as the "seductress" when I was actually seduced.

She can say what she wants, but as recently as last month, he was phoning me.

So glad this crap is over!

[ladydesigner]

As a former OW, I told my OM's with EVERYTHING. I send her emails, love letters, pictures, the whole lot.

Why?

Because he was lying and trickle truthing her, and making me the villian.

 

I believe she had a right to know EVERYTHING that he said about her, and every lie he told her, and every "I love you" etc. he told me.

You can say I'm wrong, but we had a 2.5 year love affair which he declared undying love to me, and later pretended didn't matter.

Oh, but it did matter during those 2.5 years when he called me ten times a day, even when he was dying, to tell me he loved me.

I simply felt his wife needed to know who she was actually married to.

The affair is over now, has been for a very long time, but I hate being portrayed as the "seductress" when I was actually seduced.

She can say what she wants, but as recently as last month, he was phoning me.

So glad this crap is over!

 

Congrats on ending your A! I appreciated EVERY word MOW told me. She gave me more truth about their A than my WH did

 

Funniest thing my WH said after his MOW dropped the bomb on him was,"I could never trust MOW again after doing this." Bahahahaha

[Lobe]

As a former OW, I told my OM's with EVERYTHING. I send her emails, love letters, pictures, the whole lot.

Why?

Because he was lying and trickle truthing her, and making me the villian.

 

I believe she had a right to know EVERYTHING that he said about her, and every lie he told her, and every "I love you" etc. he told me.

You can say I'm wrong, but we had a 2.5 year love affair which he declared undying love to me, and later pretended didn't matter.

Oh, but it did matter during those 2.5 years when he called me ten times a day, even when he was dying, to tell me he loved me.

I simply felt his wife needed to know who she was actually married to.

The affair is over now, has been for a very long time, but I hate being portrayed as the "seductress" when I was actually seduced.

She can say what she wants, but as recently as last month, he was phoning me.

So glad this crap is over!

 

I kinda wish my WH's xOW would have helped me out instead of trying to "fight" me for my WH. Oddly, the more she fought to keep him, the harder I pushed him out the door, the more he wanted nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. Having that kind of ammo from xOW would have levelled the playing field early in the game.

[Liam1]

I agree to a point. This is why when someone goes into a therapist they acces the situation. That's all I'm saying, professionally (even when disagreed with on here) they do weigh how a BS is before they advise on how someone should proceed.

 

 

Who Knew30:

 

Another good point.

 

The counselor or therapist accesses the BS, too.

 

The thing a lot of BSs fail to realize is that they BLAMESHIFT also. Yet, they refuse to accept this. Some even get indignant or angry when the counselor informs them of this.

 

Some also have some other heavy duty problems such as having mental health issues or being hypochondriacs that require constant attention and soothing.

 

This often drives a spouse to seek outside interactions for their own mental health.

 

Then, too, of course we have the doozy of refusing sex with the spouse, but expecting him/her to remain celibate, too. It's not even realistic.

 

These type of people will often start telling the therapist what a wonderful spouse they were or still are. Perfect in every way.

 

Nevertheless any therapist worth his/her salt knows full well that the person claiming to be perfect is most likely the real problem in the marriage or any relationship for that matter.....work, friends, family, etc.

 

No one is perfect and anyone who thinks they are has a serious problem.

 

My wife realized the issue right away and accepted responsibility. That is why our reconciliation is working.

 

If my spouse insisted she was perfect, and refused to accept responsibility and correct issues... I would have filed the next day.

 

My wife is beautiful. She's a former model, now a government physicist.

 

She could easily find someone else that makes her happy, if I don't.

 

I have no regrets about throwing the bomb into our marriage. it was the only thing that got my spouse's attention.

 

She has stated that she is glad too because our marriage is now much improved for both of us.

 

She really stated she preferred me having an affair to simply one day handing her divorce papers.

 

And, no, she never wanted all the salient sexual details. They were not relevant to our marriage.

Edited June 27, 2016 by Liam1

[purplesorrow]

Who Knew30:

 

Another good point.

 

The counselor or therapist accesses the BS, too.

 

The thing a lot of BSs fail to realize is that they BLAMESHIFT also. Yet, they refuse to accept this. Some even get indignant or angry when the counselor informs them of this.

 

Some also have some other heavy duty problems such as having mental health issues or being hypochondriacs that require constant attention and soothing.

 

This often drives a spouse to seek outside interactions for their own mental health.

 

Then, too, of course we have the doozy of refusing sex with the spouse, but expecting him/her to remain celibate, too. It's not even realistic.

 

These type of people will often start telling the therapist what a wonderful spouse they were or still are. Perfect in every way.

 

Nevertheless any therapist worth his/her salt knows full well that the person claiming to be perfect is most likely the real problem in the marriage or any relationship for that matter.....work, friends, family, etc.

 

No one is perfect and anyone who thinks they are has a serious problem.

 

My wife realized the issue right away and accepted responsibility. That is why our reconciliation is working.

 

If my spouse insisted she was perfect, and refused to accept responsibility and correct issues... I would have filed the next day.

 

My wife is beautiful. She's a former model, now a government physicist.

 

She could easily find someone else that makes her happy, if I don't.

 

I have no regrets about throwing the bomb into our marriage. it was the only thing that got my spouse's attention.

 

She has stated that she is glad too because our marriage is now much improved for both of us.

 

She really stated she preferred me having an affair to simply one day handing her divorce papers.

 

And, no, she never wanted all the salient sexual details. They were not relevant to our marriage.

 

Exactly how many betrayed spouses have you been in the therapists office with? You only know how your wife reacted, no one else. Not cheating doesn't mean perfect. If my ex had a problem with me, the time to confront was before he screwed ow, not after. Your wife is a saint.

[wmacbride]

Who Knew30:

 

Another good point.

 

The counselor or therapist accesses the BS, too.

 

The thing a lot of BSs fail to realize is that they BLAMESHIFT also. Yet, they refuse to accept this. Some even get indignant or angry when the counselor informs them of this.

 

Some also have some other heavy duty problems such as having mental health issues or being hypochondriacs that require constant attention and soothing.

 

This often drives a spouse to seek outside interactions for their own mental health.

 

Then, too, of course we have the doozy of refusing sex with the spouse, but expecting him/her to remain celibate, too. It's not even realistic.

 

These type of people will often start telling the therapist what a wonderful spouse they were or still are. Perfect in every way.

 

Nevertheless any therapist worth his/her salt knows full well that the person claiming to be perfect is most likely the real problem in the marriage or any relationship for that matter.....work, friends, family, etc.

 

No one is perfect and anyone who thinks they are has a serious problem.

 

My wife realized the issue right away and accepted responsibility. That is why our reconciliation is working.

 

If my spouse insisted she was perfect, and refused to accept responsibility and correct issues... I would have filed the next day.

 

My wife is beautiful. She's a former model, now a government physicist.

 

She could easily find someone else that makes her happy, if I don't.

 

I have no regrets about throwing the bomb into our marriage. it was the only thing that got my spouse's attention.

 

She has stated that she is glad too because our marriage is now much improved for both of us.

 

She really stated she preferred me having an affair to simply one day handing her divorce papers.

 

 

How about this. How about instead of telling BS how they should feel, what they should know and what they need to do to work as a team to repair their marriage, you actually LISTEN to them.

 

They have lived it and they know what they are talking about.

 

Of course, explain how thins worked out for you and your wife. No problem. Just stop acting as if everyone who doesn't agree is somehow abusing their former ws or are in an unhappy marriage.

 

The counselor my husband chose for us( i encouraged him to select the one he felt the most comfortable with) started off the conversation the very first day by telling him that he needed to accept responsibility for choosing to cheat. Whatever he felt I had done or not done needed to be put on the back burner until we had addressed his behavior first.

 

She also said that I needed to allow myself to be his guide in how I wnated to move forward. As an adult, I needed to take ownership of what I felt I needed and didn't need to know, and I also needed to control the pace at which I learned it.

 

My responsibility, beyond those, was to create an environment where he could feel comfortable in giving me the details I asked for.

[ladydesigner]

Who Knew30:

 

Another good point.

 

The counselor or therapist accesses the BS, too.

 

The thing a lot of BSs fail to realize is that they BLAMESHIFT also. Yet, they refuse to accept this. Some even get indignant or angry when the counselor informs them of this.

 

Some also have some other heavy duty problems such as having mental health issues or being hypochondriacs that require constant attention and soothing.

 

This often drives a spouse to seek outside interactions for their own mental health.

 

Then, too, of course we have the doozy of refusing sex with the spouse, but expecting him/her to remain celibate, too. It's not even realistic.

 

These type of people will often start telling the therapist what a wonderful spouse they were or still are. Perfect in every way.

 

Nevertheless any therapist worth his/her salt knows full well that the person claiming to be perfect is most likely the real problem in the marriage or any relationship for that matter.....work, friends, family, etc.

 

No one is perfect and anyone who thinks they are has a serious problem.

 

My wife realized the issue right away and accepted responsibility. That is why our reconciliation is working.

 

If my spouse insisted she was perfect, and refused to accept responsibility and correct issues... I would have filed the next day.

 

My wife is beautiful. She's a former model, now a government physicist.

 

She could easily find someone else that makes her happy, if I don't.

 

I have no regrets about throwing the bomb into our marriage. it was the only thing that got my spouse's attention.

 

She has stated that she is glad too because our marriage is now much improved for both of us.

 

She really stated she preferred me having an affair to simply one day handing her divorce papers.

 

And, no, she never wanted all the salient sexual details. They were not relevant to our marriage.

 

Liam the issues in the M are 50/50. The decision to have an A is entirely upon you, your wife had the same choice and chose not to have an A. According to your post I should probably have an A because my needs aren't being met (well they are now since I wanted to go full-on with a D my WH is starting to put in the work) but do you kwim? If I have another A because my needs aren't being met what is that going to do for me and my M?

 

I don't EVER agree that an A is the way to get the BS's attention. It's a sh*tty way of coping.

[wmacbride]

Liam the issues in the M are 50/50. The decision to have an A is entirely upon you, your wife had the same choice and chose not to have an A. According to your post I should probably have an A because my needs aren't being met (well they are now since I wanted to go full-on with a D my WH is starting to put in the work) but do you kwim? If I have another A because my needs aren't being met what is that going to do for me and my M?

 

I don't EVER agree that an A is the way to get the BS's attention. It's a sh*tty way of coping.

 

Agreed.

 

It's like tearing down a house because you don't like the color of the walls.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Agreed.

 

It's like tearing down a house because you don't like the color of the walls.

 

Yes while your family is still inside...

[understand50]

Liam1 will never be convince otherwise, about his action. In his world, and maybe, his wife's, he is set that having the affair saved his marriage and made everything better.

 

Of course we do not have the opinion of his wife, to the price she paid for "his" break through. All we have his his insistence, way after the fact, of what a good thing his cheating was. He may be right, for himself and himself alone, but I think for the vast amount of us here, infidelity, and the pain it causes, is not worth any good that may come of it. Liam1, is the lucky one, if we are to take him at his word, but being lucky once does not make you a example to be followed. There are always exceptions to the rule, but odds are not good if some else decides to follow.

 

My two cents........

[Mrs. John Adams]

Liam1 will never be convince otherwise, about his action. In his world, and maybe, his wife's, he is set that having the affair saved his marriage and made everything better.

 

Of course we do not have the opinion of his wife, to the price she paid for "his" break through. All we have his his insistence, way after the fact, of what a good thing his cheating was. He may be right, for himself and himself alone, but I think for the vast amount of us here, infidelity, and the pain it causes, is not worth any good that may come of it. Liam1, is the lucky one, if we are to take him at his word, but being lucky once does not make you a example to be followed. There are always exceptions to the rule, but odds are not good if some else decides to follow.

 

My two cents........

 

Thank you thank you thank you

 

I like your two cents

[Lobe]

Liam1 will never be convince otherwise, about his action. In his world, and maybe, his wife's, he is set that having the affair saved his marriage and made everything better.

 

Of course we do not have the opinion of his wife, to the price she paid for "his" break through. All we have his his insistence, way after the fact, of what a good thing his cheating was. He may be right, for himself and himself alone, but I think for the vast amount of us here, infidelity, and the pain it causes, is not worth any good that may come of it. Liam1, is the lucky one, if we are to take him at his word, but being lucky once does not make you a example to be followed. There are always exceptions to the rule, but odds are not good if some else decides to follow.

 

My two cents........

 

~slow clap~

[Liam1]

 

Another couple we know is going through this & BW keeps asking for details, WH tells her, she flips out, yet says she'll stay with him no matter what & will never leave him. I think that's fine but I don't understand her wanting to go through all that when, she's going to stay no matter what. Boggles my mind to why someone would do that to themselves knowing the WS answers won't affect you staying or leaving. I understand if it's a matter of staying & leaving to want to hear the details...I'm only asking those that already knew they were going to stay. What's the point of hearing all of that?

 

Whoknew30:

 

You have not been around for awhile on this thread.

 

I hope you are okay and all is well.

[Moxie Lady]

Who Knew30:

 

Another good point.

 

The counselor or therapist accesses the BS, too.

 

The thing a lot of BSs fail to realize is that they BLAMESHIFT also. Yet, they refuse to accept this. Some even get indignant or angry when the counselor informs them of this.

 

Some also have some other heavy duty problems such as having mental health issues or being hypochondriacs that require constant attention and soothing.

 

This often drives a spouse to seek outside interactions for their own mental health.

 

Then, too, of course we have the doozy of refusing sex with the spouse, but expecting him/her to remain celibate, too. It's not even realistic.

 

These type of people will often start telling the therapist what a wonderful spouse they were or still are. Perfect in every way.

 

Nevertheless any therapist worth his/her salt knows full well that the person claiming to be perfect is most likely the real problem in the marriage or any relationship for that matter.....work, friends, family, etc.

 

No one is perfect and anyone who thinks they are has a serious problem.

 

My wife realized the issue right away and accepted responsibility. That is why our reconciliation is working.

 

If my spouse insisted she was perfect, and refused to accept responsibility and correct issues... I would have filed the next day.

 

My wife is beautiful. She's a former model, now a government physicist.

 

She could easily find someone else that makes her happy, if I don't.

 

I have no regrets about throwing the bomb into our marriage. it was the only thing that got my spouse's attention.

 

She has stated that she is glad too because our marriage is now much improved for both of us.

 

She really stated she preferred me having an affair to simply one day handing her divorce papers.

 

And, no, she never wanted all the salient sexual details. They were not relevant to our marriage.

 

Liam I have noticed in reading your posts that you seem to have alot of "facts" that you quote about how BS's feel and think and behave. I'm curious, where do you get those facts? Did you do some kind of research project?

 

I am happy for you that you say your reconciliation is working. I guess that is a matter of opiinion because unless I am remembering incorrectly you said you are still only having sex like once a month? That still almost meets the official definition of a sexless marriage. I know I would not be happy with that but glad you are.

 

It sounds like your wife is educated and beautiful. Have you ever been concerned that she might have had her own affair? If she were to suddenly throw that bomb in your marriage to use your words, would you feel lucky that she had given you some information that you perhaps needed to have about how she might have been unhappy about some things in the marriage? Would you be grateful and happy that she did this? I just wonder

[Zenstudent]

Liam I have noticed in reading your posts that you seem to have alot of "facts" that you quote about how BS's feel and think and behave. I'm curious, where do you get those facts? Did you do some kind of research project?

 

I am happy for you that you say your reconciliation is working. I guess that is a matter of opiinion because unless I am remembering incorrectly you said you are still only having sex like once a month? That still almost meets the official definition of a sexless marriage. I know I would not be happy with that but glad you are.

 

It sounds like your wife is educated and beautiful. Have you ever been concerned that she might have had her own affair? If she were to suddenly throw that bomb in your marriage to use your words, would you feel lucky that she had given you some information that you perhaps needed to have about how she might have been unhappy about some things in the marriage? Would you be grateful and happy that she did this? I just wonder

 

Liam has on several occations stated, that he would just forgive and move on in case his wife had a PA, because infidelity isn't a big deal to him. On the contrary, infidelity is in fact the most effective tool to make your spouse behave the way you want and to make your marriage thrive.

[Moxie Lady]

Liam has on several occations stated, that he would just forgive and move on in case his wife had a PA, because infidelity isn't a big deal to him. On the contrary, infidelity is in fact the most effective tool to make your spouse behave the way you want and to make your marriage thrive.

 

Infidelity is the most effective tool to make your marriage thrive and manipulate your spouse into behaving how you want them to. Did I really just read that?

 

In my experience people can say whatever they want to about how they would act if their spouse cheated (I did) but all that tends to go out the window when it actually happens

[Sub]

On the contrary, infidelity is in fact the most effective tool to make your spouse behave the way you want and to make your marriage thrive.

 

That word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

[Lobe]

That word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

 

haha!!! touche!

[merrmeade]

The counselor or therapist accesses the BS, too.

 

The thing a lot of BSs fail to realize is that they BLAMESHIFT also. Yet, they refuse to accept this. Some even get indignant or angry when the counselor informs them of this.

 

Some also have some other heavy duty problems such as having mental health issues or being hypochondriacs that require constant attention and soothing.

 

This often drives a spouse to seek outside interactions for their own mental health.

 

Then, too, of course we have the doozy of refusing sex with the spouse, but expecting him/her to remain celibate, too. It's not even realistic.

 

These type of people will often start telling the therapist what a wonderful spouse they were or still are. Perfect in every way.

 

Nevertheless any therapist worth his/her salt knows full well that the person claiming to be perfect is most likely the real problem in the marriage or any relationship for that matter.....work, friends, family, etc.

 

No one is perfect and anyone who thinks they are has a serious problem.

 

My wife realized the issue right away and accepted responsibility. That is why our reconciliation is working.

 

If my spouse insisted she was perfect, and refused to accept responsibility and correct issues... I would have filed the next day.

 

My wife is beautiful. She's a former model, now a government physicist.

 

She could easily find someone else that makes her happy, if I don't.

 

I have no regrets about throwing the bomb into our marriage. it was the only thing that got my spouse's attention.

 

She has stated that she is glad too because our marriage is now much improved for both of us.

 

She really stated she preferred me having an affair to simply one day handing her divorce papers.

 

And, no, she never wanted all the salient sexual details. They were not relevant to our marriage.

Where on earth did all this knowledge of what goes on in therapists' offices with BSs come from? I mean, pseudo facts pronounced in third person universals are great with an audience that shares your bias—for example, people who actually believe the news on a pseudo news network or the tirades of a pseudo presidential candidate. I don't think that - even if you HAD qualified your opinion with something like "from my experience" or "what I've observed in [give context or on LS]" - anyone would be persuaded by a WS pontificating on traits of a BS in therapy. I can only assume this was written for WHs of a similar mindset.

 

This is a veritable laundry list of BS behaviors substantiated only by your say-so:

• ... BSs fail to realize ... they BLAMESHIFT also
  
  -- Yet, they refuse to accept this.
  
  
  -- even get indignant or angry when the counselor informs them of this.

  
  

• ... have some other heavy duty problems ...
  
  --mental health issues
  
  
  --hypochondriacs that require constant attention and soothing.

  
  

• ... drive a spouse to seek outside interactions [that's the best one]
  
• ... refusing sex with the spouse
  
• ... start telling the therapist what a wonderful spouse they were or still are.

And since your wife wasn't anything like the BSs you described (mainly because she's beautiful, right? ), how did you learn so much about what a BS thinks and feels and says in a therapist's office? Or anywhere else for that matter?

 

But nevermind it works out because "any therapist worth his/her salt knows" [that this] is most likely the real problem in the marriage."

 

This is scary - blaming the victim.

Edited June 28, 2016 by merrmeade

[Mrs. John Adams]

Infidelity is the most effective tool to make your marriage thrive and manipulate your spouse into behaving how you want them to. Did I really just read that?

 

In my experience people can say whatever they want to about how they would act if their spouse cheated (I did) but all that tends to go out the window when it actually happens

 

 

Just to make this clear....ZENstudent was telling us what liam has said...he disagrees with him.

 

I hope Zen comes back to clarify this himself.......

[Moxie Lady]

Just to make this clear....ZENstudent was telling us what liam has said...he disagrees with him.

 

I hope Zen comes back to clarify this himself.......

 

Thank you for clarifying that MrsA. I wondered about that after I posted it. Sorry ZENstudent

[Lobe]

Just to make this clear....ZENstudent was telling us what liam has said...he disagrees with him.

 

I hope Zen comes back to clarify this himself.......

 

I thought it sounded off.

[Zenstudent]

Just to make this clear....ZENstudent was telling us what liam has said...he disagrees with him.

 

I hope Zen comes back to clarify this himself.......

 

Thank you for the clarification, Mrs JA, English isn't my native language, and what I'm trying to say doesn't always come across as intended. Sorry.

 

No, I don't agree with Liam on these matters.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you for the clarification, Mrs JA, English isn't my native language, and what I'm trying to say doesn't always come across as intended. Sorry.

 

No, I don't agree with Liam on these matters.

 

I knew that ZENstudent....and i feared it was misconstrued.....you fixed it my friend.

[understand50]

OK,

 

We are back to arguing about how much "good" comes from the "wonderful and loving act of infidelity"......

 

I think the consensus is that cheating because your spouse did not give you all you wanted, is a cop out and is no excuse for cheating. Let's not be drawn in next time when the discussion get high jacked.

 

To the original question: "Is it really healthy to know everything about the A if reconciling?" Properly not, but the Betrayed spouse has every right to find out as much as they decide they need to know. If, reconciliation is ongoing and being honestly tried by both, the WS should answer any and all questions put to them.

 

For myself, I would want to know all, but more along the lines of:

 

"How did you meet, and how did this lead to Sex?"

 

"When did you wright off our relationship?"

 

I would also be very interested in the depth and breath of the relationship. Did she love him? Was it just lust? Boredom? Were you seduced, or did the seducing? When did this happen? With all or some of these questions, I could decide if a 2nd chance should be given or should I file. Also, if this is a past affair, can the WS point to years of faithfulness to help set aside their past mistakes.

 

We have stories from both sides on this question, and one should take what they can from the discussion. My thought is that this is all in hind sight, and in the heat of action, things will go different. For those that have gone threw this hell of infidelity, ether as a WS, BS or both, with a good solid reconciliation, your chance to put in to practice, what was discussed here, hopefully will never happen.

 

One should be prepared for more information on a affair that has been forgiven. What if it was not a one time thing? What if you find plans were made to leave the marriage? At this point, you can be more open eye and calm when asking for details. This can happen several ways, and one should be open to new information. After all, you should know what you forgave and are forgiving in full. At this point, you need to decide if you got enough information in the beginning that you decision you made was informed. You also need to Weigh how the WS has lived during the time you did not have all the information. For a WS to point to years of faithfulness is a huge, positive, argument for keeping the marriage and reconciliation.

 

Point is, affairs leave a life time of "fun" and "games" (Hurt and pain) When you reconcile, even if it goes well as possible, hurt and pain will linger. Does not mean that reconciliation, or a life time of love and good times are not possible, but it does mean that you make thing harder. A good loving marriage is harder to achieve, after infidelity, but not impossible. Having all the details, and knowing all that you need to know, helps even the odds, gives you the "informed" chose.

 

My two cents..........