My friend is clearly angry at me but won't say why

[Rubrielsmom]

Hello, first time on here! Sorry that this is such a long post, btw. So my situation is that my close friend from work since 10 years ago recently started acting like she was upset with me. Our relationship has waned a bit over the years but we've managed to continue having really good rapport, chemistry and help each other out. Since we work together and share an office space, I spend more time with her than anyone else. Well, since around 2 weeks ago I started sensing her pulling away, and suddenly acting very indifferent towards me. I know she's been dealing with some work and family stressors, so I chalked it up to that. I asked her if she was ok because she seemed upset and she snapped that she was fine. Few days later, she's answering my conversations with her in monosyllables but talking just fine with everyone else. We're always joking around and giggling and just talking about whatever, so this behavior really worried me. We've had very few disagreements before but it ended with us just avoiding each other for a few days and then picking up like nothing ever happened. So I finally got the nerve to ask her if she was mad at me and if I did anything that might've upset her, and she said very coldly said "No, why, do you think you did something to make me mad?" I said I don't know if I did and if she would please tell me. She said that if my conscience is clear then I have nothing to worry about. I was like huh???? I said I felt like she was acting very cold and distant towards me and she angrily said "That's YOUR perception, I'm fine". I told her that I feel like I must have done something to upset her and she just asked me again "Have you done anything? If your conscience is clear then don't worry about it. I don't even know why you're like this", all while maintaining an angry tone. I said maybe I did something unknowingly and that if I did do something to make her feel bad then I apologize and ask for forgiveness. She just said "No we're cool, I'm just really busy right now, there's nothing wrong with us". Afterwards, she's been speaking more politely towards me but still very distant and the silences between us have been so incredibly awkward. I know she has a difficult personality oftentimes and she gets offended easily, and I can be an uppity, insufferable know-it-all, but we've been able to navigate around our flaws during all these years. So I'm wondering what should I do about this? I'm obviously not going to pester her again about whether she's mad at me, but I feel really sad and upset because its clear I did something but she wont say anything, and the awkwardness just keeps growing. Should I just give her some time and space or is this friendship just over. Did I do something unforgivable or did she just get sick of me? Do I wait it out? Has anyone else ever been mad at a friend and never told them why? Sorry this is so long but I'm really stressing big time over this

[MsJayne]

Sounds like she's definitely angry at you, but obviously doesn't want to talk to you about it, possibly to avoid confrontation or hurt feelings. Maybe a personality issue, even after all this time? In answer to your question about being mad at friends and not telling them why, I had the same 'best friend' for thirty five years, and for the last twenty I always felt very much taken for granted and often wondered if she had any idea how rude, disrespectful, and disloyal she so often was towards me, but I never said anything. Instead I would always make excuses for her whilst the resentment quietly festered. When she forgot my 50th birthday it seemed a small thing, but it was the final straw, I was really angry and just decided to end the friendship. I just stopped returning her calls. I have never missed her in the two years since I ceased contact with her, and during that time I realised that as we'd matured we had become very different people and that I actually disliked her so much that I was uncomfortable around her. I can say though, that there was a defining moment, (which I won't bore you with), when my attitude really changed towards her, and it was just something she said. Perhaps you have said something recently that your friend has really taken offence at and feels strongly about, but she doesn't want to get into an argument with you?

[anika99]

If your friend were a mature grown up she would have spoken honestly to you when you approached her on the matter instead of playing some childish word game with you.

 

When people don't speak up for themselves and communicate honestly then they are as much at fault as the other person when their friendships or other relationships end. Just sitting and stewing in silent resentment is immature and childish. I know because that's exactly how I behaved as a child when I got offended or hurt.

 

You have done all you can do to open up communications and extend an olive branch. If she doesn't want to accept your invitation to talk that is her choice but you shouldn't feel bad about it because you did the right thing. Sucks that you have to work with her though.

[Cinnamonstix]

If you really can't think of anything you did wrong that would necessitate this kind of treatment, she is either being a drama queen or something else is going on.

 

If something else is going on with your friend, it seems it is making her irritable and wanting space. That doesn't make it right for her to treat you this way, and it's not your job to figure it out either. Give her her space. However, if she comes around and acts like nothing happened, don't go along with it this time. When you act like everything is ok, you're teaching each other that it's okay to treat the other poorly and everything will be okay again. I would keep my distance until she apologized and offered an explanation for her behaviour.

[Rubrielsmom]

Thanks all for you advice and insight, it's been extremely helpful!