too much pain

[sadeyedlady]

Please advise me. My husband has gone. He left by sending me a text, in March. He moved to a town far away, has a new job there, said it was a random place. Found he had been planning this for months while I had no idea at all. We are in our mid 50's, married 6 years, my first, his 4th. We had years of difficulties as my daughter has a lot of problems that impacted on me, I focused on her, and it all impacted on our relationship. But we had such a wonderful love, were so close, always talked, remained best friends, I thought this was a difficult time but never doubted that we would be together for life. That is what my vow meant to me. He was always very supportive to me, said he hadn't told me as I had so many problems with my daughter; that he'd been unhappy for a long time and did not think things at home would ever change... He moved into a room, I found the contract. But I also found he'd used a lady's address in this new town to change his driving license and insurance - he absolutely denied an affair, said she was a friend, he'd met through some voluntary work as she'd been unwell. He has lied to me and deceived me. They have had contact for nearly a year on facebook... I have filed for divorce as I don't feel it's a marriage; yet all I want is to be married, he was everything I wanted, he was my future, my strength, I don't want to be alone. The pain I feel is physical, I miss him every moment, but we have no contact. I am starting counselling and trying to stay busy. I lost lots of weight as feel sick and can't sleep. How do I stop the awful sick pain and feeling that all the beautiful times have been negated by his actions?

Edited June 17, 2016 by sadeyedlady
extra info

[Mr. Lucky]

We are in our mid 50's, married 6 years, my first, his 4th. We had years of difficulties as my daughter has a lot of problems that impacted on me, I focused on her, and it all impacted on our relationship. But we had such a wonderful love, were so close, always talked, remained best friends, I thought this was a difficult time but never doubted that we would be together for life. That is what my vow meant to me.

 

saleslady, I'm sorry for you situation. It's truly disheartening to have someone you love and trust treat you this way.

 

I can't help but wonder - is there a reason you're wife #4? You obviously take your vows very seriously, I'm not sure it's reasonable to expect someone with his history to do the same...

 

Mr. Lucky

[VelvetCrush]

Hang in there hon - take him off the pedestal and put your self up on it. He is not the man that your mind and heart tell you he was. It can be so easy for our grief to cause us to put a positive spin on a person or a relationship but truth is, if it was all that good, or he all that wonderful - then why is it you who is crying?

[sadeyedlady]

saleslady, I'm sorry for you situation. It's truly disheartening to have someone you love and trust treat you this way.

 

I can't help but wonder - is there a reason you're wife #4? You obviously take your vows very seriously, I'm not sure it's reasonable to expect someone with his history to do the same...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Perhaps it wasn't reasonable to expect this time to be different. The last 2 marriages, they were unfaithful to him... I thought things would be different as I am a very loyal person. I only heard his side of course.

[sadeyedlady]

Hang in there hon - take him off the pedestal and put your self up on it. He is not the man that your mind and heart tell you he was. It can be so easy for our grief to cause us to put a positive spin on a person or a relationship but truth is, if it was all that good, or he all that wonderful - then why is it you who is crying?

 

It wasn't all that good in that we had a lot of difficulties in our situation. But I thought we'd go beyond that, get through it to happier times when external factors were resolved. I didn't think he'd just give up on me and my daughter, leave his responsibilities behind and create a whole new life for himself. He didn't even say goodbye to her, he's been there half her life. He'd hated his job and was always exhausted. He planned to leave the job and retrain, was waiting for some money that was coming to him to pay for training. Instead he took it and ran.

[SoleMate]

I am so sorry to hear that. You can rebuild and recover and it will take time. Of course, you're right that this marriage is over. Hugs.

[sadeyedlady]

I am so sorry to hear that. You can rebuild and recover and it will take time. Of course, you're right that this marriage is over. Hugs.

 

Thanks. I know it is over but it is so unbearable to hear it still.

[Angelica21]

Dear sadeyedlady,

 

I'm so very, very sorry for your situation and the pain and sadness you feel.

 

In addition to many specific things that I will advise, there are just two basic things to focus on:

 

1. Allow yourself to feel all this pain and sadness, and don't hold it back. Cry, cry, cry. Scream, scream, scream. Talk, talk, talk.

 

2. Attempt to think positive thoughts about all the ways that you're strong and competent today, and positive thoughts how you will become even more strong and competent as each day goes by.

 

Now, all the specifics and some hopefully helpful ideas:

 

It takes approximately 3 to 5 years to get over a divorce and back to feeling totally normal. So don't rush yourself, and don't shortcut the grief and loss process.

 

When you talk to your counselor, discuss the recommended ways for people to adapt and go on after the loss of a dream. You had a dream of a happily married life forever. You had a happily married life for a short time, and you loved it. Now you lost it. Ask your counselor to help you to understand your expected and normal negative and sad feelings about that, and how to adapt.

 

Your counselor is going to advise two things for you to avoid, and one thing for you to focus on. Your counselor is going to advise you to, whenever possible, avoid thinking regretful thoughts about the past, and avoid thinking worry thoughts about the future. Your counselor is going to advise you to "stay in the present moment" and focus on what you can say and do today to find a little relief.

 

Identify the specific things that seem to give you a brief moment of physical and mental relief: does music calm you down? Do you enjoy a hot shower or a warm bath? Do you enjoy getting a manicure-pedicure or having your hair styled at a salon? Be sure to do some of these things by yourself, but consider maybe some mother-daughter activities such as the mani-pedi or the hair style.

 

Come here to this form and write out all your sad feelings and pain. We will listen. We will help you.

 

Like you, I was in my 50's when my husband found another woman and asked me for a divorce. Telling my story is not appropriate right now, because we are focusing on your story. I just want you to know that I had similar experience, and I understand.

[sadeyedlady]

Thank you Angelica. I only seem to cope by blocking my thoughts about him, otherwise the pain is just too much and I'd never ever sleep. I have to work, and my daughter has a lot of problems and needs extra care. She can't go out and I have to keep going to look after her needs. So I will manage. But I feel that's all there is, just carrying on living as I have to. But there's no joy now. I can enjoy music, I sing in a choir and returned to that - but when I go back home - I know he won't be there and I am back to despair.

 

 

I have terrible regrets that haunt me so - he was there, and due to the difficulties and problems of my daughter, I neglected our marriage. Oh I so wish he'd given us the chance to try to change things. If I'd only realised, so much we could have done, despite the situation. So I don't know how to not have regrets.

 

 

I can't believe he left, in such a cruel painful manner. I just thought he wanted the same as me. We used to talk of our retiring, getting a little caravan, walking, cooking, sharing music - simple life we were so looking forward to.

 

 

Now there is so much I can't do alone, and don't want to. I don't want to live with no partner, but I could never be so close with anyone else. I promised to be his forever and that's how I feel, how do I change that.

[Angelica21]

It's normal, expected and natural to have regrets. That is an appropriate "first response". The way to return to being an emotionally healthy and happy person is to examine the regrets with your therapist, and learn how to stop feeling them as regrets and learn to not think about them as much or as painfully. Again, it's normal to feel those regrets, but the goal of your counselor therapy as well as your self-talk will be to forgive yourself and minimize those regrets.

 

It's also normal to feel that you can't do things alone and don't want to do things alone. If you miss things like watching TV together or going to a movie, try inviting a friend or family member to join you for those kinds of activities.

 

It's also normal to feel sad and angry that he rejected you and left you suddenly. Again, your therapist will help you to understand those feelings, and express your sadness and admit your anger, and then let it go.

 

Here is something that helped me a lot: my marriage ended via divorce when I was 52 years old. But I started to think about what a different woman would do if her marriage ended because her husband died when she was 52 years old.

 

There would be so many similarities to my situation, and what could I learn by thinking about a real woman or a fictional woman who was widowed at age 52?

 

One difference is that she would not have to suffer that feeling of being rejected by choice. However, she would still have all the pain, sadness and loneliness just like me about losing the man she loved, losing her happy married life, losing her soul-mate. How she handle that pain and sadness, how could she get over being widowed so young?

 

Financially, a widowed woman might be more financially stable than me, but maybe not, and maybe just the opposite, maybe she would be worse off financially as a widow, need to change her job situation, whatever.

 

Anyway, if I wasn't divorced, what advice would I give to a friend or family member who was widowed at age 52. "Your life is over, you'll never be happy again, you'll never find a second husband". Of course not! So why should I say those same things to myself about being divorced at age 52? Why should you say those same things to yourself about being divorced in your 50's?

 

I found that by pondering what I would've done if I'd been widowed rather than divorced made me feel more optimistic and hopeful about future possibilities.

[sadeyedlady]

thanks for that Angelica, I'm going to try thinking about that...