wed4ever Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 Is this normal? After my wife and I had our first child she was adamant that she did not want another. Mostly because she didn't want to go through being pregnant again. I wanted another one right away so they could be close in age and just get the child rearing years over with. She wanted nothing to do with it. Condoms were made mandatory just to show you how serious she was about it. Fast forward to present day. Now she wants another one. Problem is, I don't anymore. I've accepted that there are pro's and con's of having an only child and I'm ready to move on to the next stage in life. My wife is a SAHM but honestly she isn't the SAHM type. I don't think she's truly happy being in that role (probably more on that later). If she WAS truly happy and that's what she wanted (like some women do) then I would totally be willing to have another child. So now what? How do I approach this and has anyone else in here gone through something similar? This came out of nowhere, like the last 3 months. All of a sudden she wants another one. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 How old is your first child? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author wed4ever Posted June 18, 2016 Author Share Posted June 18, 2016 2 y/o........ Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 I don't question your right to change your mind. But can you see how a 180 in your position over a relatively short period might be confusing for your wife? She may have thought she was coming around to your POV, agreeing to something you wanted. How is she dealing with your opposition to the idea? My wife is a SAHM but honestly she isn't the SAHM type. I don't think she's truly happy being in that role (probably more on that later). If she WAS truly happy and that's what she wanted (like some women do) then I would totally be willing to have another child. Wouldn't her SAHM status be her decision to make? You seem to be deciding for her. You have my sympathy, tough one all around. Pretty much guarantees one partner will be unhappy and disappointed... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 2 years is pretty ideal spacing - having another one earlier than that just to 'get the child rearing over with' would be rather risky in terms of medical outcome. Pregnancy Spacing Affects Outcome "After birth, the recommended interval to next pregnancy is at least 18 months and no longer than 60 months in order to reduce the risk of adverse [birth] outcomes,"If she isn't happy being a SAHM, why not have two incomes and send the children to daycare or hire a nanny/au pair? I mean, if you don't want a second child then that's your prerogative, but it's odd for the main reason to be 'my wife isn't suited to be a SAHM'. Growing up as an only child, I would never wish that on anyone else. If I ever do have kids, I'll have two. It's 0 or 2 for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 You have a right to say no just as she had a right to say no. You have a right to be just as adamant about it. Having children is one of those things I think couples should mutually agree on. If one of you doesn't want to do it for whatever reason, it shouldn't be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 Jesus, what did you want her to? Get pregnant again while her poor body was still healing from the last pregnancy and birth? How generous of you to think you can dictate what she puts herself and her body through, as though she's some kind of brood mare. How easy for YOU to claim she should have done it right away 'to get the child rearing years over with.' When it's YOUR body then you can have more say in it. I find it highly amusing how those who have NO part whatsoever in truly knowing what it's like to be pregnant day in and day out and what it feels like to give birth think they can just tell someone they should do it ALL over again when their damned episiotomy stitches haven't even healed. It's often said if men gave birth, humanity would come to a screeching halt and I believe it. She's NOT your damned brood mare. She wasn't ready to make that sacrifice just because YOU wanted her to. The level of pure selfishness here makes me gag. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 The condom thing jumped out. Did she actually have to enforce condoms? YOu wouldn't willing wear one while her body healed and recovered from pregnancy and postpartum period? Being a SAHM doesn't need to be a forever thing. Kids grow up and go to school. It's a short phase of the big picture when kids need a lot of care at home. Instead of thinking about now, think about the future of your family. An investment in the short term has large payoff in the long term enjoyment of a family you've created together. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 Geez, I thought you were going to say your kid is ten or twelve now, not two! It's crazy that you wanted her to get pregnant again before now. That lack of understanding really makes me doubt your comment about your wife not liking the sahm role. Do you mean that sometimes she's tired and cranky from taking care of an infant, then toddler 24 hours a day? Do you mean that sometimes she expects you to step up and help her out and when you don't she gets angry and complains? That's every mom buddy. Given your ignorance about pregnancy and childbirth and how much that takes out of a woman, especially when caring for another tiny child, I doubt you have much understanding of child rearing and how hard that is. I think you think your wife isn't happy being a full time mom because you say stupid things to her and piss her off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 . Do you mean that sometimes she's tired and cranky from taking care of an infant, then toddler 24 hours a day? Do you mean that sometimes she expects you to step up and help her out and when you don't she gets angry and complains? That's every mom buddy. Given your ignorance about pregnancy and childbirth and how much that takes out of a woman, especially when caring for another tiny child, I doubt you have much understanding of child rearing and how hard that is. I think you think your wife isn't happy being a full time mom because you say stupid things to her and piss her off. An awful lot of assumptions, most of them unfair to the OP given how little info he's posted. Might benefit all of us if we allow him to fill in the blanks... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 Two years between children is just about ideal, why on earth did you think she should have another one, so soon after the first one? She is the one bringing up having another child she wouldn't be doing that if she didn't want to be an SAHM, unless of course she was presuming you were going to be a SAHF... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 The condom thing jumped out. Did she actually have to enforce condoms? YOu wouldn't willing wear one while her body healed and recovered from pregnancy and postpartum period? Right. I also find it very concerning that he was pushing for another child right away without even researching the potential risks of that, to both his wife and the future child, just so he could 'get it over with'. Perhaps not having another child might actually be for the best, if that's how he feels about childrearing... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 Two years between children is just about ideal, why on earth did you think she should have another one, so soon after the first one? She is the one bringing up having another child she wouldn't be doing that if she didn't want to be an SAHM, unless of course she was presuming you were going to be a SAHF... Well to be fair for the kids to be 2 years apart she'd have to have gotten pregnant 9 months or more ago. Unless I misunderstood and you meant 2 years between birth and next pregnancy. But lots of kids are 2 years apart in age and I've never met anyone who though that was crazy like is being expressed on this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 So because she did not want to ge pregnant in the first two years of giving birth, you made your peace with having an only child? Most women don't want to have back-to-back babies. Pregnancy is tough in the last few weeks, the birth isn't exactly a pretty experience and then the post-partum period where you bleed, pump, breastfeed and can't even go to the bathroom. Don't mean to be graphic, but the last thing on my mind after giving birth to my daughter was more babies. After a while you kind of forget all that and get into a routine with your child, so you start thinking about having another. It's perfectly normal. Most kids are spaced out 2-3 years. You mistaking your wife's initial aversion to having another kid, right after she popped the first one, to her NEVER wanting kids shows a tremendous lack of understanding on your part. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 You mistaking your wife's initial aversion to having another kid, right after she popped the first one, to her NEVER wanting kids shows a tremendous lack of understanding on your part. I'm not sure why she's allowed to change her mind but the OP isn't? He didn't say his decision was a reaction to hers, he just said he's reached a point where he doesn't want another child. Tough crowd ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 I'm not sure why she's allowed to change her mind but the OP isn't? He didn't say his decision was a reaction to hers, he just said he's reached a point where he doesn't want another child. Tough crowd ... Mr. Lucky That is exactly how I personally understood it. He said he wanted one right away to get the child rearing years over with. She didn't and therefore he made peace with only having one child. Now the question is whether OP seriously doesn't want another baby because he truly feels that one child is enough for him (a valid choice, I made it myself) or because it didn't happen in the time-span he initially wanted. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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