Worried about future in laws influence on other daughter

[Tayla]

So sorry to read of this recent event. Have you spoken with her of this inappropriate behavior? I sense you (as parents) have been at wits end on this. it's as though your love for her is not being regarded.

 

My parents had a third party come and listened to all sides. It was a wake up call to be sure. It was the seed though that was planted... And years later I would learn ... How right they were ... And how very wrong my actions affected them. Plant the seed. The rest is up to her ...

[West.]

No we haven't spoken to her about last night. We just don't know what to say. The only thing I've said is she's lucky she wasn't over there, even if she was planning to go. If we'd found her over there there would've been some serious issues.

[noelle303]

West, I find it alarming that she was crying because she couldn't see them. That is very strange and there is definitely something going on that you are unaware.

 

I would consider talking to your daughter and maybe suggesting to see a therapist. I believe that they are obligated to report any illegal activity that a client discloses.

[West.]

West, I find it alarming that she was crying because she couldn't see them. That is very strange and there is definitely something going on that you are unaware.

 

I would consider talking to your daughter and maybe suggesting to see a therapist. I believe that they are obligated to report any illegal activity that a client discloses.

She's always been the kid that cried over not getting her way. We aren't sympathetic to it anymore, but I know it works on other people. You're right though, it could be something more.

 

It's not like we aren't good parents. She's had almost everything she's ever wanted. We're always around, we tell her she is smart, beautiful, talented, and it just doesn't seem to matter.

[noelle303]

She's always been the kid that cried over not getting her way. We aren't sympathetic to it anymore, but I know it works on other people. You're right though, it could be something more.

 

It's not like we aren't good parents. She's had almost everything she's ever wanted. We're always around, we tell her she is smart, beautiful, talented, and it just doesn't seem to matter.

 

I believe that she was probably invited to their pot party with her friend and the parents pretended that she couldn't come in front of you.

 

They could be having these parties with her there quite often. Do you know any od the people who were there? Are any of them mutual friends you could ask for better insight.

[West.]

I believe that she was probably invited to their pot party with her friend and the parents pretended that she couldn't come in front of you.

 

They could be having these parties with her there quite often. Do you know any od the people who were there? Are any of them mutual friends you could ask for better insight.

I don't know if it was the case that she'd already been invited. It sounded like over the phone that she had taken it on herself to go over without their knowledge. I think she would've responded differently if she had planned to go over with them. I could see it being a situation where she took it on herself to go over there. You could definitely have a point though. That didn't cross my mind. We live in a state where it's available medicinally and decriminalized, but it isn't necessarily legal. Especially not for seventeen year old girls...

 

The people there were people we knew, but they're their friends. One was the guy he was talking to about swinging that I mentioned in my original post. So they aren't people I can really call up.

[CarrieT]

West, does the daughter that is marrying into this clan know of the latest incident? I'm curious if she has had any re-consideration of this marriage...

[West.]

West, does the daughter that is marrying into this clan know of the latest incident? I'm curious if she has had any re-consideration of this marriage...

She does. Her response was that since our other daughter wasn't over there they did nothing wrong. She knows they smoke and has done it with them so she felt like she had no room to judge. That was disappointing... I don't care that they smoke, but I care if my children do.

 

She said what her future in laws do is not the responsibility of her fiance. If it involves her sister it is different but since she wasn't there when I was there was no reason to be mad.

 

She stands by this boy. She also said it's not their fault our other daughter is"obsessed with them" her words. That part worries me most.

 

The only thing I haven't told anyone but my wife is the swinging aspect. I got the impression that their children didn't know, and the person they were involved with was a friend of theirs. So I don't really want to set off any bombshells that I don't fully understand or that don't effect me.

[West.]

There's nothing that can be done to that boy. Maybe a misdemeanor, but the likelihood of him actually getting one is low. My blood is boiling.

 

I've made it clear he is not allowed in my home to everyone, and I told my son in law to tell him too.

[West.]

I asked for the friend to be taken out of the wedding party. My daughter freaked out and said it wasn't his fault my youngest started sending him naked pictures. She said maybe if my daughter knew how to act this wouldn't have happened.

 

I'm floored that she took his side over her little sister! I find it incredibly ungrateful as well. This wasn't how either of my girls were raised and I don't know what to do.

[MJJean]

I asked for the friend to be taken out of the wedding party. My daughter freaked out and said it wasn't his fault my youngest started sending him naked pictures. She said maybe if my daughter knew how to act this wouldn't have happened.

 

I'm floored that she took his side over her little sister! I find it incredibly ungrateful as well. This wasn't how either of my girls were raised and I don't know what to do.

 

Man up? Seriously. You and your wife spoiled your daughters, your words. Now, start undoing the damage.

 

And, yeah, if your oldest says your youngest is obsessed with her future MIL and FIL, in addition to what you've relayed, to the point where she cries and carries on to this degree about being banned from their home, they are grooming her and it's working.

 

You need to tell your oldest that you and your family WILL NOT participate in the wedding if Mr and Mrs Creepy Swinger Pothead or Captain Pedarest will be there. No more dinners. No more gatherings. Nothing. Because these people may be who your oldest has chosen to associate herself with, but they aren't your choice, they aren't your family, they are deviants who have been grooming your child for their own sexual gratification.

 

If you aren't willing to put your foot down and man up, just stop bothering. All you're doing at that point is delaying the inevitable.

Edited July 8, 2016 by MJJean

[West.]

The in laws suggested we clear the air. I told them I don't like their influence on our daughter. The way she always wants to be by them and touch them ect. Is creepy! They then said it wasn't their fault our daughter is getting attached to them!

 

Then I blurted out the swinging thing in front of my son in law. I was so mad, I just wasn't thinking. He looked upset, and the dad said what went on in their marriage wasn't my business, which is true. Then, my son in law asked who it was and it was the friend I had thought. My son in law looked heartbroken.

 

Now I feel like a jackass.

[BettyDraper]

The in laws suggested we clear the air. I told them I don't like their influence on our daughter. The way she always wants to be by them and touch them ect. Is creepy! They then said it wasn't their fault our daughter is getting attached to them!

 

Then I blurted out the swinging thing in front of my son in law. I was so mad, I just wasn't thinking. He looked upset, and the dad said what went on in their marriage wasn't my business, which is true. Then, my son in law asked who it was and it was the friend I had thought. My son in law looked heartbroken.

 

Now I feel like a jackass.

 

It's not your son-in-law's fault that his parents are creepy swingers so blurting out that info was not a good choice.

 

I'm disappointed in your older daughter. I couldn't have in-laws who were sniffing around my sibling. Nope.

[noelle303]

The in laws suggested we clear the air. I told them I don't like their influence on our daughter. The way she always wants to be by them and touch them ect. Is creepy! They then said it wasn't their fault our daughter is getting attached to them!

 

Then I blurted out the swinging thing in front of my son in law. I was so mad, I just wasn't thinking. He looked upset, and the dad said what went on in their marriage wasn't my business, which is true. Then, my son in law asked who it was and it was the friend I had thought. My son in law looked heartbroken.

 

Now I feel like a jackass.

 

Yes it is. It's literally their fault. When normal adults notice that a 17 year old girl is getting inappropriately attached to them, they set firm boundaries and distance themselves, not invite her over and feed into her attachment.

 

While I agree that it wasn't on you to say this, these people are just plain creepy by swinging with their son's friend. They probably wanted to lure your younger daughter in that same circle, so I can't feel too sorry for them being outed.

[West.]

No I'm sorry I was unclear. It's not my SIL's friend they are involved with, but a family friend. The wife's best friend, and i suspected it when I first heard him talking about it. My SIL asked who the other person was and he said it was her. It is my understanding that she is my SIL'S godmother. I've met her and she's a really sweet person, she's attractive, and I don't think she's ever been married.

[beatcuff]

OP, here is what i see: the soon to be new in-laws are swingers and pot smokers. BOTH your daughters see nothing wrong with it. you do not like that (actually all of the above).

 

you assume the worst about the in-laws: they are grooming your younger daughter for that lifestyle. further when they act 'nice': when you showed uninvited, they asked you in and then offered and called your daughter. and yet you have a myriad of reasons why THEY are in the wrong or up to something.

 

now as a father of a 16 year-old daughter i can appreciate your concern (yes, i have veto'd certain outfits: if you can call them that). but i also know many smokers. when they party instead of (or in addition to) drinking they smoke. not a big deal. they want to have a good time, not convince others they have too.

 

i can also image the in-laws think you are 'whacked-out nut cases' that give your children no freedom. further demonstrated by your 'clearing the air' backfiring.

 

i suggest the following:

 

with your older daughter and her future husband: apologize for your behavior. explain why. such as you are having difficulty accepting your babies are grown (near grown) women.

 

with your younger daughter: stress the fact that sending anything including by snapchat can be captured and exposed to the world. this could serious impact her ability to get that plum job or 'whatever'. then much like your older daughter do the same: apologize, explain. then give her back her phone and car.

 

finally asked to meet with the father in-law (man to man thing): preferably for a beer at a local bar. apologize for overstepping then explain --- all about everything you said here. i would gather he would be surprised you think he has alliterative motives. i would also expect him to 'back off'. see the difference? instead of demanding, you explained why. most parents especially dads get this.

 

why? you want to keep the door of communication open. but you need to move from dictator to mentor (the above should start the process): your younger daughter looking for a much older man should tell you something. your children will appreciate it and may actually follow in YOUR footsteps. which is what you really want.

 

good luck.

[MJJean]

West, you arent the azzhole here. Really. When people swing, they assume the risk that news of their activities will travel to their family, friends, and even work collegues. The Creepy Swingers choose their lifestyle. Now the cats out of the bag. If they weren't prepared for their children to find out, perhaps they shouldn't have been swinging in the first place.

 

The fact remains these people have poor boundaries and are a bad influence on your daughters.

[West.]

It was my daughter's bridal shower the other day, and my wife and youngest went. Who should walk in near the end, but that boy. He and my SIL came in together with another friend. I guess he saw my daughter, smiled at her and walked out back, and she ran after him. My wife didn't want to make a scene and let her go.

 

When they left she said we won't be what ended their relationship and he is going to be with her in a few months when she's eighteen.

 

At this point, I'm wondering if it's time to just let go. The law will only give him a slap on the wrist, she doesn't care, and disregards us anyway.

 

I love my girls, and I don't want them to get hurt...

[JoeSmith357-1]

At this point, I'm wondering if it's time to just let go. The law will only give him a slap on the wrist, she doesn't care, and disregards us anyway.

 

Yep, let go... she is going to resent you forever if you keep pushing this.

 

There's worse things she could be doing than having sex and smoking weed

 

I love my girls, and I don't want them to get hurt...

 

I'm sure all parents want what's best for their kids. But there's a fine line between caring and being controlling. Think you are way over that line.

 

She's almost 18, she's capable of making her own decisions, with or without you. Time for her to learn a life lesson on her own. Hopefully you don't end up with an illegitimate grandchild. That's about the best you can hope for at this point.

[West.]

On Saturday I gave her her phone and keys back. She asked why, and I just told her we don't care anymore. It was a lie, but it was all I could think to say.

 

If she wants someone else to guide her and to talk to she can find it. We haven't really been talking to her, but she keeps trying to say things to us which is a little strange. We just are so upset we can't bring ourselves to talk to her.

 

I love her, but spending time trying to protect her is getting us down.

[ChickiePops]

Oh my..this sounds a bit cruel don't you think? Your daughter is reaching out to you and you're icing her out. Do you know how much damage you could do to her if you continue?

 

 

Can't you just be honest with her and TELL her how disappointed and upset you are with her instead of treating her like a pariah? All kids do things that their parents don't like..but you're still her parents and you should love her no matter what. She's going to think you've stopped...

[West.]

She asked what was going on, so I told her I'm so disappointed in her that I haven't said much because I just don't know what to say. We try to help and she disregards it, so I'm done. She just got quiet and then tried to say something, but her voice was really broken up.

 

I love her and I always will. she's my baby girl, but it's time to give her a reality check. I'm just worried about any of these people hurting her.

[beatcuff]

She asked what was going on, so I told her I'm so disappointed in her that I haven't said much because I just don't know what to say. We try to help and she disregards it, so I'm done. She just got quiet and then tried to say something, but her voice was really broken up.

 

I love her and I always will. she's my baby girl, but it's time to give her a reality check. I'm just worried about any of these people hurting her.

 

i am just about speechless. she asking for some freedom and you 'cut her out'. ChickiePops is right. instead of a moderate/measured course i/she/others suggested you are 'walking away' --- over nothing.

 

you seriously are prepared to 'die on THIS hill'?

 

missing in this is what mom thinks... don't be surprised she is not in your camp as much as you think.

 

i think its time for a hard look within.

[Standard-Fare]

West, I have to agree with your new "backing off" stance, because - as you have accepted - this situation is unfortunately beyond your control. That's the agonizing part about being a parent.

 

Forbidding these two from seeing each other would only make them want it more. (See: Romeo and Juliet.) My guess is that their relationship is, in fact, sexual, which I know is hard for you to stomach. But it's really not that unusual for a 17-year-old to be having sex.

 

The factor of the older guy is tricky, legally and morally, but again, I think if you pursued any actions with that you'd only be bringing the two of them closer, and increasing your daughter's resentment and alienation.

 

Unfortunately, in your mind you have linked this relationship to your future in-laws and their permissive lifestyle. But the degree of "blame" that should fall on their shoulders is debatable, it seems.

 

I think everyone here remains troubled by the "head on the lap" incident, and I understand why it's been so hard to see your younger daughter get caught up with this couple, but ultimately, this is just another element that's beyond your control. Your daughter is going to be encountering a lot of new people and situations in her life that you'd prefer to protect her from, but sadly, you just can't. It's up to her to steer her own ship.

[ChickiePops]

She asked what was going on, so I told her I'm so disappointed in her that I haven't said much because I just don't know what to say. We try to help and she disregards it, so I'm done. She just got quiet and then tried to say something, but her voice was really broken up.

 

I love her and I always will. she's my baby girl, but it's time to give her a reality check. I'm just worried about any of these people hurting her.

 

If you're worried about her getting hurt then the proper way to handle it would be to get CLOSER to her so she trusts you and feels like she can confide in you instead of pushing her closer to them by leaving her on her own.

 

You're letting your emotions cloud your judgment here. Forget about how YOU feel and think about what's best for your daughter. You will do irreparable damage to your relationship with her if you're not careful. Shes probably devastated about how you're acting right now.

 

You're worrying so much about someone else hurting her that YOU are hurting her. Terribly.