Worried about future in laws influence on other daughter

[xxoo]

If you're worried about her getting hurt then the proper way to handle it would be to get CLOSER to her so she trusts you and feels like she can confide in you instead of pushing her closer to them by leaving her on her own.

 

Yes, yes, yes. Closer. Talk less and listen more. Ask how she feels about this guy, how she feels about sex, about the family, about the adults. Ask a lot of questions and LISTEN.

 

Tell her when a choice worries you. Tell her why/what your concern is. Ask her what she thinks about that concern.

 

Open the conversation repeatedly. Don't expect her to swing to your way of thinking right away. Give her time to think, digest, and form her own opinions--separate from yours and from this guy's.

 

But above all, be there for her. She isn't doing anything awful worthy of being discarded. You can be there for her even while allowing her to make her own decisions and make some mistakes.

[BaileyB]

If possible, arrange for her to see a counsellor. Someone she can talk to and trust. An older woman that is not her parent, but can help her to evaluate her choices and make better decisions.

[BaileyB]

It's literally their fault. When normal adults notice that a 17 year old girl is getting inappropriately attached to them, they set firm boundaries and distance themselves, not invite her over and feed into her attachment.

 

Agreed. These parents have shown very poor judgment - evidenced by their lifestyle choices, the fact that they haven't established responsible boundaries with your daughter, and the fact that they seem to be grooming her in a very unhealthy way... It is all very, very disturbing.

 

I'm so sorry. This must be so hard for you and I really respect everything you have done to try and help your daughter see the danger.

[West.]

She was acting weird tonight. First she asked if she could go out with her friends, and I said that was fine. Reigning it in from my usual who, when, and where questions. She then proceeded to tell me that information as well. I told her to do what she wanted. The time she was supposed to leave rolls around, and she doesn't.

 

Then, she would come ask me all sorts of questions. Do I think she's smart? Yes. Do I think she is talented? Yes. Do I think she's a good friend? Yes. Do I think she's pretty? No, I know she's beautiful.

 

Then she went to bed. I guess I just don't get it.

[basil67]

She was acting weird tonight. First she asked if she could go out with her friends, and I said that was fine. Reigning it in from my usual who, when, and where questions. She then proceeded to tell me that information as well. I told her to do what she wanted. The time she was supposed to leave rolls around, and she doesn't.

 

Then, she would come ask me all sorts of questions. Do I think she's smart? Yes. Do I think she is talented? Yes. Do I think she's a good friend? Yes. Do I think she's pretty? No, I know she's beautiful.

 

Then she went to bed. I guess I just don't get it.

 

She was wanting to reconnect with you. I hope you followed all these questions with doing something together.

[BaileyB]

She can sense that you have checked out, and she doesn't really want that. She was just checking to see if you are still there for her, she wanted to connect with you. She was coming to you...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

This whole thread is blurred by differing laws in various states. So far it seems that the only law clearly broken is when the daughter started passing around her own underage sexually-explicit photos. (given that pot is legal in some states)

 

In "most" U.S. states, a 17yo is allowed to have sex with whomever she wishes, perhaps as long as the much-older person is not in a supervisory position.

 

 

Perhaps the only good in this thread is that the truth, and everybody's feelings are clearly out there now... so there has been some communication.

 

 

Are there any like-aged people for the 17yo to even interact with, in this whole scenario? Everybody involved has their own opinion, from every angle, but nobody is taking into account how it all appears from the eyes/standpoint OF a 17yo.

 

 

And yeah, we get that dad's priority is the daughter's best interest, but so far, the best (and most effective) move he's made was to give-in a little bit.

 

If he lived in my state, the 17yo would be free to have sex with whomever she pleased, AND it would be perfectly legal for her to go and get stoned with other stoners as well.

 

When you spend your life insisting that your kids drive no faster than 25mph and yet you choose to live where there is a "Speed Limit 40mph" sign out in front of your house, you're probably sending mixed signals, at best.

 

Confusing them, and having them unready to ever drive 40mph are greater concerns. Everyone knows what's out there... isn't the idea to prepare them for it, rather than hide it, or hide them from it?

 

Heck, you don't even have to give them a soft spot to land if things go really bad, but that's the part of life that brings you the rewards from having had children in the first place. (SO, the priority should remain: sincere communication to where she knows that she can come to her own parents at any time, and for anything...)

[ChickiePops]

She was acting weird tonight. First she asked if she could go out with her friends, and I said that was fine. Reigning it in from my usual who, when, and where questions. She then proceeded to tell me that information as well. I told her to do what she wanted. The time she was supposed to leave rolls around, and she doesn't.

 

Then, she would come ask me all sorts of questions. Do I think she's smart? Yes. Do I think she is talented? Yes. Do I think she's a good friend? Yes. Do I think she's pretty? No, I know she's beautiful.

 

Then she went to bed. I guess I just don't get it.

 

She thinks you don't love her anymore because of the way you've been treating her lately.

 

 

This is what icing her out is doing. If you don't cut it out, it will have long term consequences, both on your relationship with her, and on her as a person. This is SO incredibly damaging. You're hurting your daughter SO badly right now..and not only that, you're doing it on purpose.

 

 

You desperately need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with her. No yelling, no disappointed looks..just TALK to the poor girl! Tell her why you're upset and find out why she's upset. Don't forfeit your entire relationship with your kid just because you don't like some of the people she hangs out with. She's still your baby.

 

 

Be a father to your child.

[ChickiePops]

PS. She WANTS you to ask those who/what/when/where/why questions. She may roll her eyes and give you sassy answers (as any normal teenager would), but it shows that you CARE about her.

 

Honest question: Do you love your daughter?

[xxoo]

You've basically expressed to her that you stop caring about her if she doesn't act the way you want her to act. Now she's coming to you seeking approval, to regain your love.

 

Be very careful, as the interactions you have with your daughter now set the stage for relationships she'll have with men as an adult.

[West.]

I love and adore both of my children.

 

However, if she doesn't want my input I simply won't give it. I have done nothing but give her everything and to be met this this level of disrespect makes me angry. She lied to me, she took advantage of that phone to send those pictures to that boy, she broke into my office and desk for the keys and phone, she disregarded my wishes, and has made me look and feel like a fool.

 

I won't tolerate that. I will not waste my time and energy to be met with this disrespect. I've been talking to her, but when it comes to areas where usually I'll give her my input, or permission, I have stayed quiet. She doesn't want to hear it anyway so I am not going to waste my time.

[BaileyB]

 

Be very careful, as the interactions you have with your daughter now set the stage for relationships she'll have with men as an adult.

 

Very true. They will also set the stage for the relationship that she will/or will not have with you moving forward.

 

I can really appreciate your frustration and your anger. But, showing her your anger and withdrawing from her will only drive her farther away from you. You are right to set boundaries. There should be rules and she should respect the rules or there will be consequences. But, the hard job as a parent is that you have to love her, talk with her, and guide her... Even when that is really, really hard to do. Don't give up on her. She needs you more now than ever!

Edited September 2, 2016 by BaileyB

[beatcuff]

I love and adore both of my children.

 

However, if she doesn't want my input I simply won't give it. I have done nothing but give her everything and to be met this this level of disrespect makes me angry. She lied to me, she took advantage of that phone to send those pictures to that boy, she broke into my office and desk for the keys and phone, she disregarded my wishes, and has made me look and feel like a fool.

 

I won't tolerate that. I will not waste my time and energy to be met with this disrespect. I've been talking to her, but when it comes to areas where usually I'll give her my input, or permission, I have stayed quiet. She doesn't want to hear it anyway so I am not going to waste my time.

 

oh my head... not only the above but for me actually wasting MY time AGAIN responding.

 

just because she does not do as you ORDERED:

 

does not mean she does not want your input.

does not mean she will not consider it.

does not mean she wont do it.

 

try this: my 16 year old daughter came home from a high school field hockey scrimmage. as a bonus it was that time of month. she was upset with the coach --- he has her in an unfamiliar position and is riding her hard for failing to understand the position and failing to maintain her level of play. i was there. she is by far the best player (either team) but looked dreadful, by her standards. she came home, threw her bag, walked up took a shower, came down ate. did not say a word. when asked by either me or my wife, she responded with 'no now'. fine. IN YOUR WORLD you would take that as insult. i gave her space. i was laying on the couch, about an hour later, unprompted she walked to me and layed down. after 30 minutes, i moved my arm, she grabbed and pulled it tight.

 

what happened? she needed to know that whatever the world dumped on her that i would be there. i mentioned this to some of the dads in my golf league... at least 3 had similar stories.

 

what you are teaching your daughter is 'do what i say or i will not love you'... is that the kind of husband you want for her?

[West.]

This isn't a case of she had a bad day and snapped at me. In your position I'd have done the same thing. I long to be in that situation. She lied, and she broke the rules. It's simple, she knew she was done with the car and phone after we found those pictures. This isn't a case of we took the phone away to be mean or unreasonable, and I'm sure you would have taken your daughter's phone if you'd found her sending naked pictures to a boy.

 

She kept saying we didn't understand or didn't get it. If that's the case then my input is wasted.

 

We constantly have to go to her to talk, and through backing off, she has been coming to me. It's short conversations but it's a changing dynamic.

 

When she gets married, no I wouldn't want her to have a husband like that. I'm not even like that. We never had issues like this with our oldest, and I've never had to be this way. It's hard being the bad guy too.

Edited September 3, 2016 by West.

[xxoo]

Yes, take the phone away if she's been using it inappropriately.

 

Of course she's going to say you don't understand. She feels you don't understand. That's ok. Don't take her words personally.

 

You need to be the rock. Her rock. She's in the storm, but you are strong, stable, mature, seeing the long term, keeping perspective. You set necessary boundaries, enforce them (like taking the phone), and beyond that you are doing what you can to be there for her, to be open to discussion, listening to her.

 

Can you simply listen to her, without arguing? Ask questions, and simply listen to what she says. In this way, you come to understand her, and through that understanding, you can connect and communicate more effectively.

[West.]

Things have calmed down. We're talking normally again, but I don't ask, when I'm told, and I always am, I stick with "do whatever you want."

 

She told my wife he wants to have sex. She asked her to not tell me, but she did. We had that talk with her already so, she knows what happens so that I'm not worried about. I am worried about her getting hurt. She's a great kid...

[ChickiePops]

Things have calmed down. We're talking normally again, but I don't ask, when I'm told, and I always am, I stick with "do whatever you want."

 

She told my wife he wants to have sex. She asked her to not tell me, but she did. We had that talk with her already so, she knows what happens so that I'm not worried about. I am worried about her getting hurt. She's a great kid...

 

Your wife was wrong to break your daughter's trust like that. Goodness, between your iciness and your wife's indiscretion it's no wonder she's looking outside her own house to find parental figures!

 

 

Losing your virginity at 17 is not out of the ordinary. It was bound to happen eventually and you cannot stop it. As for her getting hurt..everyone gets hurt at some point. You cannot protect her from everything, including heartbreak. If it's not this guy who hurts her, it'll be another guy. Remember, she's not just West's Daughter, she's also a person in her own right and she's going to have experiences that have nothing to do with you. Some will be pleasant and some will be unpleasant and there's nothing you can do about any of it. She's going to make mistakes. She's going to make stupid decisions. She's going to put herself at risk. It's all part of growing up. You did it, your wife did it, and now it's your daughter's turn.

 

 

I'm glad you've stopped treating her like a pariah..it was becoming abusive.

[Tayla]

*sad* to see the justifying of the defeatist parent mentality..

 

Or that a young adult is not capable of being instructed of positive behavior.. Which I am sure can be confronted ...

[BettyDraper]

I think it's very hard for any father to think of his daughter engaging romantic relationships with men and having sex. The OP is not unusual in his discomfort with his daughter's burgeoning sexuality, especially since she is seeing someone who is too old for her. Why should West condone such behavior? Why should his daughter be permitted to break the rules and be conniving?

 

17 is not too old to be guided by parents. Living under someone else's roof means abiding by their rules. I hate the way modern parents try so hard to be "cool adults" and friends with their children rather than authority figures. This is why my generation is so spoiled and entitled.

Edited September 12, 2016 by BettyDraper

[West.]

She came up to me today and asked "do you hate me?" With tears in her beautiful eyes... the second I said no she started sobbing. I just held her in my arms and kissed her head.

 

We talked for a long time about things that were bugging her, or making her sad. I didn't say anything about the stuff that I'm dealing with. It just didn't feel like it was the right time for that because she was so upset. She told me it hurt her when I stopped asking my who, what, when, where why, and how type questions before she goes out. She told me her friends wish their dads were like me because I always know what's going on. She knows it's to keep her safe. I promised her I'd never not ask them again, and I'd never be able to hate her.

 

I'm sad she felt that way. I never have felt anger or hatred for her. It's been disappointment sure, but never those things... I love her so much. She spent the whole day about two steps behind me, it was like she needed me or something.

[anika99]

She came up to me today and asked "do you hate me?" With tears in her beautiful eyes... the second I said no she started sobbing. I just held her in my arms and kissed her head.

 

We talked for a long time about things that were bugging her, or making her sad. I didn't say anything about the stuff that I'm dealing with. It just didn't feel like it was the right time for that because she was so upset. She told me it hurt her when I stopped asking my who, what, when, where why, and how type questions before she goes out. She told me her friends wish their dads were like me because I always know what's going on. She knows it's to keep her safe. I promised her I'd never not ask them again, and I'd never be able to hate her.

 

I'm sad she felt that way. I never have felt anger or hatred for her. It's been disappointment sure, but never those things... I love her so much. She spent the whole day about two steps behind me, it was like she needed me or something.

 

 

Aww..this update brought tears to my eyes. I'm so glad you had this heart to heart with her and reconnected. I didn't have a loving father growing up, just an angry controlling religious fanatic step father. I always get teary and emotional when I see a father and daughter sharing a loving close relationship. The older I get the more I understand how important that relationship is to a girl and how much it impacts her whole life.

 

I know it hurts when your children are disrespectful or break the rules but always remember that they still love you and need you. Your daughter didn't get involved with this boy for the purpose of hurting you or disrespecting you. She just a teenager who thinks she is in love. So happy that you were there for her.

[West.]

Thank you. My own father was killed in action when I was a baby, and my adopted dad wasn't particularly involved with me. So I know what it's like to not have a father figure, and I never want my girls to feel that way.

 

She brought up things to me that I had no idea were an issue between us. Most of the were things I maybe thought of again once. I apologized for some stuff that I didn't realize hurt her feelings or confused her or whatever emotions she had about them. Some stuff I was actually struggling to remember, but I just went with it.

 

Today when she got home she just kept telling me tons of stuff about school, which was nice. I can't even remember the last time we talked about that, at least in that much detail.

 

I know she's going to have sex, or already has. I know it will probably be with this boy. The thing is that's my seventeen year old, she's young, and he knows that. I really liked him until this. I would have done anything to help him before, but after this, I have a hard time liking the guy. He did nothing to discourage her texts and that's just wrong in my mind.

[BaileyB]

She spent the whole day about two steps behind me, it was like she needed me or something.

 

She does need you, desperately. Now, more than ever.

 

It sounds like you shared a great conversation. Good for you for listening, and not getting defensive or arguing with her. That is not easy to do, especially when you are feeling so hurt. She is learning again that she is safe to talk with you... And she will keep talking if you are calm and willing to listen.

 

Best, always to listen... Listen more than talk. That way, you will know what she is thinking/feeling. And, she will really listen to what you have to say...

 

She wants your love and approval. I believe that she wants to do the right thing. She's just not sure what the right thing to do is anymore...

[BaileyB]

 

I know she's going to have sex, or already has. I know it will probably be with this boy. The thing is that's my seventeen year old, she's young, and he knows that. I really liked him until this. I would have done anything to help him before, but after this, I have a hard time liking the guy. He did nothing to discourage her texts and that's just wrong in my mind.

 

You are right, of course. It is wrong that this boy didn't discourage your daughter from texting him and/or having any kind of relationship with her. But, it is not something you can control and there is nothing you can do to change it now.

 

And, if I may say, if you know that she is going to have sex or you think she is already having sex, please give her the information she needs to be safe. Your wife should talk with her about birth control and safe sex. Tell her that you wish she would wait... Tell her that sex changes everything and at her age, she should be focusing on school, friends, and having fun with dating. But, make sure she has the information she needs to be safe...

[West.]

And, if I may say, if you know that she is going to have sex or you think she is already having sex, please give her the information she needs to be safe. Your wife should talk with her about birth control and safe sex. Tell her that you wish she would wait... Tell her that sex changes everything and at her age, she should be focusing on school, friends, and having fun with dating. But, make sure she has the information she needs to be safe...

That's a conversation she and my wife have had already. So, hopefully, she listened. I think my wife got her on the pill a while back because I know she was getting really sick every month.

 

I just really wish we hadn't found ourselves in this situation. In a few months it's out of my hands anyway, but I wish he hadn't encouraged her.

 

I know she didn't do any of this to hurt someone, or for spite. I think she really does like him, and if I'm honest with myself I think it was obvious. He's a good looking guy. He's a nice, intelligent, respectful (well, before this...) kid. So I'm not confused about why she likes him. I'm just mad at no one taking her age into consideration.