Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[kailah]

[moderator note: link to post #526 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/585109-trying-work-out-updated-2017-03-17-a-14.html#post7258800 (latest post as of 2017-103-17)]

 

 

Friday evening I went to a party with a couple friends. I'm not a drinker at all and always DD. I'd never even been drunk, tipsy twice. I'm not the kind of person to sleep around either, I've only ever had sex with 1 guy.

 

I remember going to the party but nothing else. I woke up Saturday morning in a random bed with a guy I've never met. I know we had sex because I was sore and he confirmed that we did. He said he remembers everything and I had a blast and that I was "really good" and that we did it twice. My friends said they didn't see me but that I was talking to a couple guys.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm not on birth control, I don't know if he used a condom because he said he couldn't recall. I don't know how to tell my boyfriend because I don't even know what happened or what I did. We've been together for 4 years.

Edited March 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added link to update post ~6

[RecentChange]

Yikes, well first thing first, I think you need to protect your health.

 

Unless you want to possibly carry this randoms dude's baby, go pick up some Plan B ASAP!

 

Next, Dr..... Are you in college, can you see the clinic? You need to get tested.

 

So sorry this happened, hard lesson learned. Alcohol is dangerous, your friend should have watched out for you, and this guy... If you really were so drunk that you couldn't give consent, well.... That's a whole other topic.

 

Take care of yourself first, then worry about how to handle the BF. If you are totally honest with him he may forgive you.

 

Hugs, sorry OP, what a mess. But you need to get to the drug store and the Dr office ASAP!

[andrem11]

You have to tell him. Honesty and communication are the most important things in a relationship. Tell him everything that you know and everything that you are able to find out. People make mistakes, and he may forgive you or he may not. At the end of the day, this will be a learning experience though and you will know never to do it again.

[RecentChange]

Seriously, the BF thing is secondary, the topic of this thread should be I had high risk, drunken unprotected sex and dont know what to do next.

 

Where are you on your cycle? Unplanned pregnancy would be my top concern OP.

[Michelle ma Belle]

It sounds like someone must have slipped you something in your drink. Do you remember what you were drinking and if you ever left your drink unattended or had someone else get it for you?

 

Regardless of anything, you should have gone to the pharmacy and purchased the morning after pill just in case. At the very least I would recommend you see your doctor or go to a clinic and let them know what happened. Have them run some tests including STD and pregnancy, although it may be too early for either.

 

This is pretty serious OP and I don't think this something you can keep from your boyfriend or put it off.

 

I would also very much question your friendships! I mean, who lets their friend disappear with a stranger all night and not be worried about where you are and what you're up to?? Something is seriously f*cked up there.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you but sitting on a forum asking what to do isn't going to fix anything. You need to take some serious actions starting with the doctor.

 

Good luck.

[greaterdevil]

OP, forgive me if I've misread your post, but it sounds to me like you were drugged and raped. Even if he says "you had a blast" and even if you did--if you weren't drinking more than one drink but somehow blacked out the whole night, I don't see an explanation other than someone put something in your drink and raped you.

 

I'm so sorry if this is what happened. I don't know what the best course of action is--while going to the police with false charges is illegal and immoral, on the other hand I think it's probably best to make a report as soon as possible.

 

If this happened to my girlfriend I wouldn't forgive her because there would be nothing to forgive. I would try to support her in whatever way I could and there is a very real chance that I would kill the man who did it.

 

Once again, sorry if I misinterpret the post. You do say you cheated on your boyfriend so maybe you know more than I inferred from what you wrote.

 

If you were raped, perhaps some other posters with more experience can advise on your best course of action.

 

Good luck and again I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[kailah]

Yikes, well first thing first, I think you need to protect your health.

 

Unless you want to possibly carry this randoms dude's baby, go pick up some Plan B ASAP!

 

Next, Dr..... Are you in college, can you see the clinic? You need to get tested.

 

So sorry this happened, hard lesson learned. Alcohol is dangerous, your friend should have watched out for you, and this guy... If you really were so drunk that you couldn't give consent, well.... That's a whole other topic.

 

Take care of yourself first, then worry about how to handle the BF. If you are totally honest with him he may forgive you.

 

Hugs, sorry OP, what a mess. But you need to get to the drug store and the Dr office ASAP!

 

I just finished college. I called my doctor but can't get in until Wednesday afternoon. I need a doctor note to get Plan B, right?

 

He said I was really into it... And initiated. But I don't remember.

 

Seriously, the BF thing is secondary, the topic of this thread should be I had high risk, drunken unprotected sex and dont know what to do next.

 

Where are you on your cycle? Unplanned pregnancy would be my top concern OP.

 

My last period was April 30. My period tracker app says my fertility window is May 13-18... I always have extra discharge in the middle of the month that I assumed was ovulation and I did Saturday. But I don't know a lot about it because I've never tried to get pregnant...

 

The doctors are closed on the weekend and I couldn't call until today for an appointment. The soonest was Wednesday. I'm terrified of pregnancy and STD's.

 

It sounds like someone must have slipped you something in your drink. Do you remember what you were drinking and if you ever left your drink unattended or had someone else get it for you?

 

Regardless of anything, you should have gone to the pharmacy and purchased the morning after pill just in case. At the very least I would recommend you see your doctor or go to a clinic and let them know what happened. Have them run some tests including STD and pregnancy, although it may be too early for either.

 

This is pretty serious OP and I don't think this something you can keep from your boyfriend or put it off.

 

I would also very much question your friendships! I mean, who lets their friend disappear with a stranger all night and not be worried about where you are and what you're up to?? Something is seriously f*cked up there.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you but sitting on a forum asking what to do isn't going to fix anything. You need to take some serious actions starting with the doctor.

 

Good luck.

 

I don't even remember having a drink, I rarely have a drink. Especially not if I plan on being DD because I get tipsy really easily. I had a water bottle but it's always closed. It was a friends party I don't think anyone would do that... But there were a lot of people there and I didn't know many of them.

 

The two girls I went with are partiers, they probably didn't notice I was gone. They said they thought I went home, since I have before. But they didn't text me at all.

 

OP, forgive me if I've misread your post, but it sounds to me like you were drugged and raped. Even if he says "you had a blast" and even if you did--if you weren't drinking more than one drink but somehow blacked out the whole night, I don't see an explanation other than someone put something in your drink and raped you.

 

I'm so sorry if this is what happened. I don't know what the best course of action is--while going to the police with false charges is illegal and immoral, on the other hand I think it's probably best to make a report as soon as possible.

 

If this happened to my girlfriend I wouldn't forgive her because there would be nothing to forgive. I would try to support her in whatever way I could and there is a very real chance that I would kill the man who did it.

 

Once again, sorry if I misinterpret the post. You do say you cheated on your boyfriend so maybe you know more than I inferred from what you wrote.

 

If you were raped, perhaps some other posters with more experience can advise on your best course of action.

 

Good luck and again I'm so sorry this happened to you.

 

I don't know his number. I don't want to go to the police and say I was raped when really I was just sleeping around. I don't remember having anything to drink, but I don't remember anything after getting there.

 

I don't want to tell my boyfriend that I was raped and have him think I'm just saying that to try and get out of sleeping around. I feel like I'd know if it was rape.

[MrBump]

If you can't remember anything then maybe you can't remember having some drinks either. When you do drink, have you got blackout drunk before?

As for telling your boyfriend, if he has anything about him at all then he *will* finish with you. Unless you were drug-raped of course. Alcohol is never, ever an acceptable excuse for being unfaithful.

[Dis]

It sounds like someone must have slipped you something in your drink. Do you remember what you were drinking and if you ever left your drink unattended or had someone else get it for you?

 

Regardless of anything, you should have gone to the pharmacy and purchased the morning after pill just in case. At the very least I would recommend you see your doctor or go to a clinic and let them know what happened. Have them run some tests including STD and pregnancy, although it may be too early for either.

 

This is pretty serious OP and I don't think this something you can keep from your boyfriend or put it off.

 

I would also very much question your friendships! I mean, who lets their friend disappear with a stranger all night and not be worried about where you are and what you're up to?? Something is seriously f*cked up there.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you but sitting on a forum asking what to do isn't going to fix anything. You need to take some serious actions starting with the doctor.

 

Good luck.

 

^^^^THIS!^^^^

 

Hun first of all, I'm so sorry this happened!

 

Second...I think you may have been date raped.

 

This is very serious! Like other posters have mentioned you need to go to the doctor..

 

 

***Get plan B now!!!!

 

Get tested for STDs for sure.

 

Think about this hun, you said you never drink you dont sleep around...do you think someone could have slipped something in your drink??? I think that is the case!

 

And for the record, date rape is illegal! If this happened to me, I didnt drink, and I didnt sleep around...I would assume I was raped. I would go straight to the E.R and have a rape kit done.

 

And you were sore??? This is another reason to believe you were raped.

 

Hun, again I'm so sorry this happened to you. I truely feel for and pls believe this was not your fault sweetie!

And like this posters mentioned, what is going on with your friends???? Why didnt they look out for you???

 

Hun, pls be serious about this. There is a good possibilty you were raped. Pls go to the doctor, its probably too late for a rape kit now.

 

Take care of yourself sweetie

[vanhalenfan]

OP, you can get Plan B at any pharmacy. It is kept behind the pharmacy counter - just ask. Please do not wait until the dr appt. You have 72 hours (3 days) to take it in order for it to be effective. The sooner, the better.

 

I am sorry this happened to you. I do agree with others....I think this was a case of Date Rape using a typical date rape drug

[Dis]

OP, you can get Plan B at any pharmacy. It is kept behind the pharmacy counter - just ask. Please do not wait until the dr appt. You have 72 hours (3 days) to take it in order for it to be effective. The sooner, the better.

 

I am sorry this happened to you. I do agree with others....I think this was a case of Date Rape using a typical date rape drug

 

Yes I want to repeat this very important point vanhalenfan made....

 

Hun you do need to take plan B within 72 hours of unprotected sex. The sooner you take it the less likely you are to get pregnant, the longer you wait the more likely you will be.

 

Pls go to the pharamacy now and get it. I think its costs $35 to $60. But if you go to planned parenthood you can get it for free.

 

You will also need to get tested for STD's in three months, after that you may need to be tested again. Theres a reason for this, STDs can often give a false negative if the test is done too soon after you've contracted one.

 

Another thing, if you tell your bf exactly what happened, and he has a brain, he will believe you were raped...just we all do. Theres nothing to be ashamed of here, you did nothing wrong sweetie.

 

Again, take care of yourself hun

[Scarlett.O'hara]

If you don't remember anything after you got there and you aren't a drinker then you couldn't have consented to sex.

 

If you go to the hospital/ER they can help you. It is possible you even have traces of date rape drug in your system still so the sooner you the more information can be obtained. Can you take someone with you that you trust?

 

This is of course your decision, but it is worth trying to figure out how this happened to you. They can give you an examination that might give you more insight into what happened.

 

In terms of pregnancy, you need to take the pill as soon as possible (within a couple of days max) so that is another good reason to seek help asap. The sooner the better.

[Dis]

I just finished college. I called my doctor but can't get in until Wednesday afternoon. I need a doctor note to get Plan B, right

 

You do not need a doctors note to get plan B. I got it when I was 15. Go get it now hun either at the pharmacy or planned parent hood. Pls dont wait sweetie.

[Dis]

If you don't remember anything after you got there and you aren't a drinker then you couldn't have consented to sex.

 

If you go to the hospital/ER they can help you. It is possible you even have traces of date rape drug in your system still so the sooner you the more information can be obtained. Can you take someone with you that you trust?

 

This is of course your decision, but it is worth trying to figure out how this happened to you. They can give you an examination that might give you more insight into what happened.

 

In terms of pregnancy, you need to take the pill as soon as possible (within a couple of days max) so that is another good reason to seek help asap. The sooner the better.

 

^^^Great advice^^^

[SammySammy]

I don't know his number. I don't want to go to the police and say I was raped when really I was just sleeping around. I don't remember having anything to drink, but I don't remember anything after getting there.

 

I don't want to tell my boyfriend that I was raped and have him think I'm just saying that to try and get out of sleeping around. I feel like I'd know if it was rape.

 

How often have you gone to a party, didn't drink anything but water and woke up in a strange guy's bed? Not remembering anything from the time you arrived until you woke up?

 

Is that a common occurrence for you? Or any woman you know?

 

How can you label this "just sleeping around" when you don't remember the seduction, agreeing to go to a private place, getting undressed, foreplay, intercourse, afterplay ... nothing?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

You do not need a doctors note to get plan B. I got it when I was 15. Go get it now hun either at the pharmacy or planned parent hood. Pls dont wait sweetie.

 

I also second this!

 

Another thing I forgot to mention was not to trust the word of that guy. Think about it. He said he remembered that you "consented" and "enjoyed it" and that you did it twice. However, mysteriously he can't remember if he wore a condom.. seriously?? In the space of a few minutes he was lying to your face to get out of trouble, what else could he be hiding?

 

One more thing to consider, would you normally use protection? You don't have to answer, but just think about it.. is this something you would have agreed to without using protection?

[basil67]

If you weren't drinking, it's highly likely you were date raped. Rape means sex without informed consent - you don't have to remember it for it to be rape. Being sober enough to give informed consent is also an important part of the equation.

 

It's also entirely possible that the guy you were with was lying to you. You may have been too comatose to enjoy sex. Or, you may not have had sex at all! Short of doing a rape kit and finding his semen in you, there's really no way to know for sure.

 

I say the next bit to your educators and parents: How can a young woman not know how to access emergency contraception? How can she not know about consent? Or date rape drugs? Kailah, you have been let down by those who taught and raised you.

 

And to the posters who assumed you were drinking (despite the fact that you aren't a drinker) and blamed you for this: Shame on you.

 

Lastly, if you were the victim of a date rape drug - you did not cheat.

Edited May 17, 2016 by basil67

[Dis]

100% agree with Basil.

 

Sorry I was trying to comment on Basil's comments and screwed it up. Not sure how to work this quoting thing yet

Edited May 17, 2016 by Disillusionment373

[Dis]

If you weren't drinking, it's highly likely you were date raped. Rape means sex without informed consent - you don't have to remember it for it to be rape. Being sober enough to give informed consent is also an important part of the equation.

 

It's also entirely possible that the guy you were with was lying to you. You may have been too comatose to enjoy sex. Or, you may not have had sex at all! Short of doing a rape kit and finding his semen in you, there's really no way to know for sure.

 

I say the next bit to your educators and parents: How can a young woman not know how to access emergency contraception? How can she not know about consent? Or date rape drugs? Kailah, you have been let down by those who taught and raised you.

 

And to the posters who assumed you were drinking (despite the fact that you aren't a drinker) and blamed you for this: Shame on you.

 

Lastly, if you were the victim of a date rape drug - you did not cheat.

 

Yes....How was the OP so ill prepared to handle this? How did the OP not go to the hopsital right after this happened??? How did she think she gave consent? Why did she not question if she was raped? Thats the first thing I wouldve assumed had happened. How did she not know about emergency contraception? I'm shocked at how this was handled and intrepreted.

 

My mom is an APRN, I was taught all about these things at a young age. The one and only time I had unprotected sex I was 15 and took it upon myself to get plan B. Parents need to educate their children.

 

The OP couldve gotten a rape kit and may have been able to prove she was raped...this guy couldve been faced legal charges for this...instead he gets off because the OP didnt know what to do???? No justice here.

 

And yes.....this was not a drunken one night stand...this was rape...Lets wake up people.

[Justanaverageguy]

Lot of people casually throwing the word rape around here .... the circumstances are suspicious but that is a very damaging accusation that should not be thrown around without further follow up or evidence to support.

 

I've seen plenty of people - noteably those who don't drink often - completely underestimate what they are capable of drinking and end up with blackout periods. Also heard these same people claim they must of been drugged when it clearly wasn't the case. Often they can seem quite lucid at the time but not remember anything the next day.

 

I'm not saying either way what happened I would just not start throwing criminal accusations around until you do a bit of follow up to find out what actually happened. Remain calm, see your doctor and then speak to some people at the party to find out what happened and what your behaviour was like.

Edited May 17, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

[elaine567]

The fact you do not remember anything at all further substantiates the possibility you were drugged and raped.

 

"Date-rape drugs cause sedation and amnesia to the extent that their victims cannot resist or may not be aware of a sexual assault." http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC81265/

 

People can get very drunk but usually remember the first drinks and snippets of the evening, the fact you cannot remember anything at all makes it highly likely you were drugged.

[Cherryz]

Are you sure you not a drinker and wasnt drinking alot?

 

Because this is the thing with drinkers and people who gets drunk,

they often say they are not and wasnt.

 

But the thing is alcohol dont let you remember much and makes you do the wrong things and say yes to what you normaly would say no to.

So better is to not even drink at home or wine!

 

I think you need to go to the doctor rigth away!!! And tell her your story and see what

they can do for you! Maybe a blood test and so on to see if there is anything of a drug in it.

And if this is really what did happen to you it may be that someone put something in your drink. Do you remember leaving your drink and come back and drink it?(WHICH YOU SHOULD NEVER DO!!)

 

And are those people your friends? How can they let you go with a stranger?

And ddnt they see you acting different then normal?

Why ddnt they took you home rigth away?

Or stop this guy from taking you home?

 

Who is this guy? Did he put something in your drink so he could do all that to you in his bed?

Or did he just found you like that and took advantage of you?

Why did he sex you if he saw that you wasnt ok?And twice?????

He remember alot so he wasnt really that drunk or what ever.

Or is he messing with you that he did sex you?

 

I think this is very serious situation.

First you should got to the doctor.

And i dont think this people are your friends.

Because even when you left, they could have try to find you so you would wake up at

home next day.

They just left you also there till you found your way home next day.

 

Have a conversation with them so you can know more info and why they ddnt take action seeing you acting different and figure out where you going.

And also keep track of this guy since rather you pregnant or not he have some

explanations to do also.

And never ever leave your drink alone when you go somewhere, and if you do ,trow it away and buy a new one. And never let people go get a drink for you.

GO to the bar yourself!

Never lose eye from your drink.

 

You cant be naive in 2016!

And its clear thAT you cant even trust fake friends!

 

If you see this may be that someone drugged you, then report it to the police.

Tell your family, and then your boyfriend.

The person who you can get more support out of it first!

Because your first concern is yourself right now!

 

And if it happen that you got drugged , your boyfriend can only support you at the end. Because it is sad.

[Justanaverageguy]

No justice here.

 

And yes.....this was not a drunken one night stand...this was rape...Lets wake up people.

 

Kind of projecting your own personal opinion onto a circumstance you have very limited real information on. Judge, jury and executioner all in one based on a post from a girl who can't remember what happened.

 

How about posters remain calm and allow the OP to investigate and do the appropriate follow up so she can better find out what actually happened before jumping to conclusions.

[road]

The fact you do not remember anything at all further substantiates the possibility you were drugged and raped.

 

"Date-rape drugs cause sedation and amnesia to the extent that their victims cannot resist or may not be aware of a sexual assault." Public Health : Drug-facilitated date rape

 

People can get very drunk but usually remember the first drinks and snippets of the evening, the fact you cannot remember anything at all makes it highly likely you were drugged.

 

 

My first thought, you were drugged. Means you need to go to the ER now.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, my initial thought is the same as many others' here, which is that you could have been drugged. It's not certain, but I would see a doctor immediately and see if they can still test you and find out if there's something in your system. You may have been at a friend's house, but that does not preclude someone else from violating you.

 

Get Plan B.

 

Get an STI and HIV test, followed up in a few months' time by another. Talk to your doctor about the incubation period for some infections and they will tell you when to return for further testing.

 

Talk to people who attended the party. Try to get any information as to who you may have been seen with, how you were behaving (ie. incoherent? able to talk? passing out?) Do as much digging as you can, and try to figure out who exactly this guy you slept with is.

 

Talk to your boyfriend. He needs to know what has happened. Not only for your and his health and well-being, but it's also possible others saw you with this other guys and word may travel back to your boyfriend. It is better if you have a discussion with him first and relay as much information as you can remember.

Edited May 17, 2016 by ExpatInItaly