Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[DevotedBaker54]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It must be frustrating since you are usually the responsible one and DD. I think honestly is the best policy. Your bf may get mad and ask a bunch of questions you don't have the answers to, but he's aloud to have some emotions about this. I think being honest now is better than him finding out in a few months or years.

I hope you can get checked out by your doctor and get some peace with knowing you are not pregnant or have STDs.

Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you and take care of yourself!

[Cinnamonstix]

Hi Kailah,

 

Sorry you're going through this. I know a lot of your pain comes from losing your bf, so I'm going to comment on that part.

 

You lost nothing. He is honestly a sad excuse for a human. It doesn't matter if he treated you like a queen at the best of times. The fact is, he is treating you like dog **** in the worst of times. Sane, respectable people do not react this way to someone who have even deliberately cheated on them. They simply exit the relationship with their heads held high. But your ex is cruel, pathetic and extremely hypocritical, given that he himself is a serial cheater. For all you know, he has cheated on you too. And my guess is he probably has because the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

 

Don't take anything he says to heart, it is designed to hurt you. It seems like the end of the world now, but you will move on from this and you will be stronger for it.

 

A couple other things: do get that drug test. And I wouldn't bother chasing down the guy to get an STD test. Just get one yourself and get tested again in several months.

[kailah]

You seem to have convenient reasons for not doing things that are in your best interest.

 

You should get your facts straight before you make such hard judgements. Just a couple examples:

 

You didn't know what shelf the morning after pill was located on so you didn't get it yet you never thought to ask the pharmacist. When you do talk to the pharmacist you still don't get it because he told you that it may not be effective because your 10 hours past the recommended effective time.

 

I thought Plan B was behind the counter and I needed a prescription. So I did not go to the pharmacy and left a message at my doctors office. It was the weekend so they didn't call back right away. I did not go wander the pharmacy looking for it and just go home empty handed. And I did not go to the pharmacy, ask for it and leave empty handed when the pharmacist said it probably wouldn't work. The pharmacist said it probably won't work AFTER I paid for it and YES I took it.

 

when your own doctor recommends he test your hair for any trace of the date drug(they can last in your hair for up to three months) you tell him why bother now.

 

I did not tell him why bother. He offered it as a suggestion and said we could do it in a few weeks because it does not work immediately. I have an appointment set up, I did not decline it and say why bother. I said (HERE) based on the info I have I'm not sure if there is a point (because it seems consensual).

[kailah]

Might be a good idea to hang around a better group of friends also who will actually have your back when they see you making a series of bad decisions. Who needs friends like that?

 

And yeah, the friends....part of me wants to give them benefit of the doubt, you usually don't drink, so maybe they didn't think to keep an eye on you - but saying that they saw you drinking and making out - and said nothing?

 

In my friends defence, they have never had to look out for me. I'm not the one who is drunk and making a fool of herself, usually. None of my friends have seen me drunk before that night. I told them I was fine and everything was fine and they went with it. They were drinking too, their judgement skills probably were not up to par.

 

I hope you can get checked out by your doctor and get some peace with knowing you are not pregnant or have STDs.

 

I go back to the doctor Monday for a pregnancy test and another STD test. I could probably take a pregnancy test now, since it says 5 days before your period but I'm not ready to know. I bought a pack of pregnancy tests but can't get myself to take them yet.

 

You lost nothing. He is honestly a sad excuse for a human. It doesn't matter if he treated you like a queen at the best of times. The fact is, he is treating you like dog **** in the worst of times. Sane, respectable people do not react this way to someone who have even deliberately cheated on them. They simply exit the relationship with their heads held high. But your ex is cruel, pathetic and extremely hypocritical, given that he himself is a serial cheater. For all you know, he has cheated on you too. And my guess is he probably has because the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

 

I keep trying to tell myself that. It's so hard because he's never, ever acted like that. In 4 years we never even had an actual fight. I've never even seen him act like that with other people. I have a hard time figuring out if it's just the anger and hurt talking or if that's who he really is and just hid it well.

 

Right now (today at least), I feel like there is nothing left between us. Like everything that he did (and of course what I did) ruined any chance of us working things out. I don't know if I could ever see him the same or forgive him, and I'd be fearful of him doing something like that again. I'd also have a hard time facing his friends and family.

 

He texted me last night and said he wants to meet for coffee and talk but I didn't respond to it. I don't know if that's a good idea or not.

[CarrieT]

He texted me last night and said he wants to meet for coffee and talk but I didn't respond to it. I don't know if that's a good idea or not.

Bad, bad, bad idea.

 

Based on what he has done and said, there is nothing that can be gained for a coffee chat other than you hurting more.

 

Best to block his number and move on as best you can.

[kailah]

Bad, bad, bad idea.

 

Based on what he has done and said, there is nothing that can be gained for a coffee chat other than you hurting more.

 

Best to block his number and move on as best you can.

 

I added his number as a "spam number", which is all my phone offers. But it still goes to my phone, just doesn't make a notification about it or bump up the text conversation.

 

Yeah. Part of my has this hope that he'd want to apologize and have a really good reason and explanation for the way he acted and to magically make me believe that he was really sorry and it would never happen again... But that's not realistic, at all.

[Cinnamonstix]

I keep trying to tell myself that. It's so hard because he's never, ever acted like that. In 4 years we never even had an actual fight. I've never even seen him act like that with other people. I have a hard time figuring out if it's just the anger and hurt talking or if that's who he really is and just hid it well.

 

Right now (today at least), I feel like there is nothing left between us. Like everything that he did (and of course what I did) ruined any chance of us working things out. I don't know if I could ever see him the same or forgive him, and I'd be fearful of him doing something like that again. I'd also have a hard time facing his friends and family.

 

He texted me last night and said he wants to meet for coffee and talk but I didn't respond to it. I don't know if that's a good idea or not.

 

You are right. He has ruined all chances for you two moving forward by publicly humiliating you and trying to hurt you with those texts. There is no way your relationship can recover from this.

 

People who truly love you do not try to hurt you, even when you hurt them, intentional or not. If roles were reversed would you act the way your bf has? Would you take a baseball bat to his car and burn all of his clothes? That kind of behaviour might be acceptable in movies, but in real life it's appalling and speaks volumes of someone's character.

[PinkSunset]

I am very sorry to hear about what you're going through. The way your BF has treated you in the aftermath is so terrible. The last thing you need is someone you love bringing you down even more than you already are. The things he is saying are out of anger and hurt, but he really has no excuse to have humiliated you on FB in front of family and friends. This is not something the relationship can recover from, I hope you can move on from it.

 

I was raped when I was 20. I don't remember drinking much at all either, I do remember that he was loaded drunk though and could barely stand up. I had went over to his place to watch a movie, not drink. I had no intentions of having sex as I was on my period. He kept coming onto me and I told him I was on my period and then he proceeded to tell me "I'm going to f*** you whether you like it or not" and he did. He passed out after it happened and I put my clothes on as quietly as I could and I tiptoed out of his apartment, trying my hardest not to make a noise when I opened the door. I was so horrified and upset, I ran home by myself. Literally ran. It was probably 3am and not a good neighbourhood but all I wanted to do was get home. I cried the whole night and told my room mate what happened and that was it. I never told on him, I never went to the police. I buried it deep inside of me and chalked it up to that he was drunk, and I shouldn't have put myself in the situation.

I'm sure some people will disagree but honestly it might be a much better thing you don't remember much. Remembering the details was the hardest part for me.

The fact that you can't say whether or not it was rape will probably bother you for a really long time. IMO because you don't remember anything you were probably too incapacitated to consent in the first place. The fact he "doesn't remember" if he put a condom on is utter BS. He does remember, and it's that he didn't use one. He's a disgusting POS, not a nice guy.

 

I am hoping the best for you and that you come out clean and not pregnant. You can then move on with your life without your verbally abusive ex boyfriend, and I would also consider getting new friends. I wouldn't ever leave a friend alone at a party with a strange guy while drinking, esp one that never drinks and it's not in their behavior to. Good luck <3

[drifter777]

This situation is so common yet always generates deep disagreements.

 

Women/girls:

 

1) Sometimes you hook up with a random guy while drinking at a party/club and choose to have sex with him. The next morning you might regret sleeping with such a loser or you might like him and give him your number but either way you know it was your choice and that is that.

 

2) Then there are the cases when you have too much to drink and render yourselves unable to make a clear choice regarding sex. You're black-out drunk. Sometimes it's ok with you because that's what you wanted before guzzling that last drink. Other times you didn't want it but woke up naked next to some random dude. Even if you went along with the sex at the time you were so blitzed that you were not able to give legal consent. That is considered rape in many - if not all - states.

 

3) You clearly said "no" to intercourse after lots of heavy making out, fondling and maybe even some oral. Being someplace private, a bit tipsy and panties already off you didn't scream RAPE even though you didn't want intercourse but all of a sudden he's in you and finished. That is clearly considered rape everywhere. No means no.

 

Case 1 is not rape but it looks a lot like cases 2 & 3 to anyone watching at the party/club. Those people are not going to be good witnesses unless they were in the bedroom with you. Case 2 would have never been in a rape conversation even 5 years ago because no one said "no" but that has changed. Case 3 has always been rape but the evidence is simply "he said - she said" and is very difficult to prosecute. In a case of mutual consent (case 1) a woman/girl might end up claiming case 2 in order to to keep a BF/Husband from dumping her. More confusion.

 

When the guy is clearly an "attacker" whether she's his date or someone he followed home, then rape is clear-cut. Cases 2 and 3 may appear clear-cut - except to the guy. What is nearly always ignored is that the guy has been drinking too. His ability to process the events through drunken eyes and ears is a factor. Not an excuse but a factor. To him all of these cases appear to be mutual consent (case 1) where he simply got loaded at a party and hooked up with some random girl and had a fun night. She may have even slept over and, like this case, nothing was said about the circumstances that led to the sex in the morning.

 

I think the overwhelming majority of the time a girl/woman knows exactly what her intent was - case 1, 2, or 3. But just as often the guys don't. I don't know how this will ever be clearly and accurately resolved.

 

All of this sucks for both OP and her BF. She isn't even sure - or at least hasn't made it clear with any confidence - which case it was so how is her BF supposed to know? Yes, he's treating her terribly after dumping her and there's no reason for that EXCEPT he's young and reckless. Just like her.

 

OP: just accept this as a lesson in growing up and move forward. It's best for you and him. All of the current drama will pass and life will go on. Good luck.

Edited May 26, 2016 by drifter777

[JamesLK]

I go back to the doctor Monday for a pregnancy test and another STD test. I could probably take a pregnancy test now, since it says 5 days before your period but I'm not ready to know. I bought a pack of pregnancy tests but can't get myself to take them yet.

 

If you are within the range to take the pregnancy test then do it! The longer you put it off the harder it is to end the pregnancy if that is what you decide to do. If you are going to keep the pregnancy you need to be taking vitamins now.

 

That is no excuse for your friends not to look out for you. In fact, it's more of a reason for them TOO look out for you. You were doing something totally out of the norm for you and they didn't bat an eye.

 

Do not meet with your ex. It's done. If he really wants to apologize maybe he should do that over social media too.

[DreamP]

He texted me last night and said he wants to meet for coffee and talk but I didn't respond to it. I don't know if that's a good idea or not.

 

If he wanted to apologize, he would have already done so via text in addition to asking to meet. He just wants to meet with you to get more details about what happened. I've known many men who couldn't deal with their girlfriend being with another man and asking a million questions, details about the sexual encounter, even past ones from before their relationship. They get obsessed with it. Don't go see him.

[kailah]

I took a pregnancy test, I took 3 actually. 2 out of 3 came back positive. Very faint line but the box says any line is a positive result. I don’t know what in the F I’m supposed to do. I have a sinking, nauseated, disgusted, terrified feeling. I can’t even process it. I have some strangers baby in me and I don’t even know who he is. I feel disgusted with myself.

 

I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell my family. Anyone I have talked to says if I got pregnant to abort preferably. That I didn’t sign up for it and don’t need to deal with that for the rest of my life. But abortion has never been something I agreed with. I don’t know if I can make myself do it, even in this circumstance. In theory, I just want it all to go away and forget about it. But the process and knowledge of actually doing it is something that I am not comfortable with. But if I don’t have an abortion then I have to own up to them that I don’t know who the father is. Right now they think I knew the guy.

 

I read all the time that friends always ditch the friends that have kids. None of my friends have kids and none are near ready for it. So I could lose even more than I already have. I don’t know how I would make more friends, I don’t have time for that as it is and the only people I know with kids are significantly older than myself. They might not be as good of friends as I thought, but I need their support right now.

 

And then there is the guy. Who I don’t know at all and don’t even know all the details of what happened. I don’t have his number. I could maybe find him on Facebook if I go through my friends friend lists since I know his first name and what he looks like. Or I could look on Facebook through all the cities groups. But who’s to say he’d even contact me back, or if he should be contacted. And let’s be honest if he did contact me back it’s highly unlikely that he’ll want anything to do with me. Who wants a baby with a complete stranger. I don’t.

 

I don’t want to be tied to a bad guy for the rest of my life. But I also don’t know if he is even a bad guy. For all I know he’s a great guy who would want to be involved with his child. But that’s probably wishful thinking on my part. I’m sure he’ll think it’s not his or who knows if it’s his since I probably sleep around all the time.

 

I don’t even know if I’m supposed to contact him. Some people say yes, some say no. On one hand, it’s his. But on the other hand, I don’t even know if he’d be a good father or not or if he’s someone who should be in our lives forever. I don’t want a strangers baby.

 

Then there is my ex. Who I haven’t had sex with since my last period so it couldn’t be his. We live in the same city and work very close together (across a parking lot). He’s going to realize at some point, if he doesn’t hear it from someone else, that I’m pregnant. He already says such mean things to me, I don’t want it to escalate. And I feel even worse for everything that I did because not only did I cheat, I got pregnant by another guy. I feel like the worst, most disgusting person on the planet. And he said I’d be a terrible parent, which coming from someone you love hurts a lot.

 

I’m going to be judged left, right and centre. People that I work with saw the post from my ex so they already think they know what happened. Then they are going to figure out that I’m pregnant and it’s not my ex’s. I JUST finished my bachelors and should be getting an acceptance letter to my Masters any day. I just sent out applications to work in my field but no one hires a pregnant person and I don’t know how I’d finish school and work and have a baby.

 

It’s like I could make this all just go away with an abortion, but that never goes away. I’ll always remember and I’m terrified to have regrets. But I’m also terrified to keep it and I could have regrets about that decision. Having an unplanned baby is bad enough. But having one with a stranger is a whole other ballgame. I wish it were my ex’s. At least I know him and love(d) him and know his family. Keeping it would make this whole situation never end, I’ll be dealing with it and the embarrassment for the rest of my life.

[drifter777]

It’s like I could make this all just go away with an abortion, but that never goes away. I’ll always remember and I’m terrified to have regrets. But I’m also terrified to keep it and I could have regrets about that decision. Having an unplanned baby is bad enough. But having one with a stranger is a whole other ballgame. I wish it were my ex’s. At least I know him and love(d) him and know his family. Keeping it would make this whole situation never end, I’ll be dealing with it and the embarrassment for the rest of my life.

No matter what you do you are going to have regrets. You'll regret going to the party and drinking so much. If you keep the child you will regret throwing away the best part of your youth to have some random guys child. And if you get an abortion you will likely have regrets. It's just part of life and you have to choose the lesser of two bad choices. Choosing to have the child could lead to misery for both of you. An abortion right now could also lead to misery but only for you. Everything you've posted here screams that you are not ready for motherhood. Get the abortion as soon as possible.

[frus69]

I would say abortion but if its against your personal believe, you could consider adoption

[RecentChange]

Get some counseling - personally I know women who have an abortion and have no regrets, only relief. But they weren't religiously indicated.

 

Choosing to keep this pregnancy will have serious life changing consequences for the rest of your days. And not telling him is not an option.

[lana-banana]

It doesn't sound like you're even remotely in the right place---mentally, financially or emotionally---for a child. And that's okay. That's why abortions exist. At this early stage you can take a pill. Many places will offer financing options if you can't afford it or don't have insurance.

 

You will only regret your decision to have an abortion if you choose to regret it. I know several women who have had abortions and none of them regret it because it was the right choice for them at that point in their lives. It didn't stop them from having kids when they were eventually ready, too.

[DreamP]

OK. Think are really tough now. First, take a deep breath. Now this is what you need to do.

 

1) Get a blood test. You want to be sure you really are pregnant.

 

If you are pregnant, do the following:

-Get the drug test. If you are carrying this man's child, you need to know if he is a criminal. If the drug test is negative, and you decide to keep the pregnancy, you HAVE to tell him. There are ways to find him. He was at a party. Somebody there will know him. Even if this was consensual, he is just as much to blame. If anything, I think he is more to blame. You obviously were too intoxicated. However, he was aware enough to remember everything and he chose not to wear a condom. He might be a scum bag that chooses to sleep with drunk women who said they have a boyfriend, but he deserves to know he is having a child (unless you were drugged, then he has no rights).

 

-You need to talk to your parents and tell them the whole truth. You will need their help. You are not in any position to go at this alone. They may be mad, disappointed, whatever. But if they love you, they will get over those emotions and step up to be there for you in your time of need. Make the decision on what to do with your parents. If you decide to go through with the pregnancy, you will need their help. If you decide to go for an abortion or give it up for adoption, you will need their support.

[Dis]

Hun I'm so sorry...I was shocked to read you're pregnant....I was really hoping you wouldnt be.

 

Pls know, having an abortion is never an easy choice for a woman to make...in fact it will be one of the most difficult.

 

But you need to look at the big picture....

 

-You said it yourself, your not ready to be a mother (understandable)

 

-Doesnt seem like you have the financial means to support a child

 

-You're very young...so if you dont terminate the pregnancy your youth will be lost

 

-The father of the embryo might possibly be a man that raped you or at the very least took advantage of you....having his child would tie you to this man forever

 

***Yes...having an abortion would be hard for you....however having a child...bringing it into this world with a mother who is not ready...wouldnt that be harder for the child???

 

***Its not about you at this point....would it be fair to bring a child into this world under these circumstances???

 

***This is very important to note hun....at this point in your pregnancy it would not cause the embryo any pain if you were to abort it. At this point the embryo is a clump of cells...not a developed fetus....pls remember that.

 

I would recommend making an appointment at planned parenthood so they can give you the real facts about abortion...not the nonsense you hear in the media. Then you can make your choice.

 

If you dont believe in abortion that is you're right...however I think forgoing an abortion is a bad choice here.

[AMJ]

I'm just going to ignore the negative responses to this thread from here on out, because the last thing you need is anyone trying to make you feel worse than you already feel.

 

I agree you should get some counseling, and have an honest conversation with someone in your family that you trust- though talking with a counselor will ultimately be best for your right now. Before you completely panic I agree about getting a blood test, those home tests are not always accurate. I'm also not so sure we can rule out your ex as a potential father.

Either way, don't feel that this decision is going to make or break the rest of your life. You can get past it, and make the best out of whatever you choose to do.

 

If you lose friends over this, were they really good friends to begin with? You don't need people in your life who will judge you negatively for getting pregnant. Also, if you decide not to keep the baby, it's not like anyone needs to even know. I've never had an abortion but am very close to a few women who have, and I am so sorry you're even in this position.

 

I still think you should get the hair test for drugs, I think it will help you heal to know the truth.

 

I personally don't think you need to feel tons of responsibility to even talk to the guy from the party. I'm pretty sure becoming a father is the last thing on his mind at this point. In my opinion, he lost his chance to have a say so in this decision. You decide what's best for you, and the baby, if there is a baby.

 

Please don't be so hard on yourself. And please disregard the judgmental responses you keep having to read through on here.

[kailah]

I don't know if I can do it, abort. It seems like the logical choice but doesn't feel like a choice I could make. It makes my heart hurt thinking about it.

 

I went in on Friday for a pregnancy test and hair test. They did a urine test that came back positive and a blood test. I'm supposed to hear back about the blood test and hair test Monday or Tuesday. But the doctor said the urine tests very rarely give false positives. I'm pregnant.

 

I talked to a pregnancy crisis line yesterday and a counsellor today. I don't really know how much it helped. As much as it could I guess.

 

I found the guys Facebook profile, after a lot of searching. I haven't messaged him though. I used a friends profile to look him up, my account is still deactivated. I don't know what I'll do with him.

[Jersey born raised]

So much grey in the legal system about your situation, but in the real world you were raped by a guy who has done it many times before and enjoys doing it.

 

The thing about rape, sex is only the means for the rapist to humiliate another person. Susan Brownmiller(?) wrote in the seventies that rape for the rapist was never about sex, it was just another way to harm another person.

 

So yes get the hair test done for your own piece of mind and only your own piece of mind. Remember this is a medical issues and no one has a right to know the results.

 

Your friends disgust me in there lack of awareness. After a million stories about just this situation they didn't watch out for you?

 

Your boyfriend is a piece of work, send him a link on how to join ISIS. That is exactly how much regard you should have for him.

 

From your posts I think whatever you decide to do will haunt you. Discuss at length with a consular what to expect if you do decide to go ahead and support groups that help women like you.

 

Finally print out Goldsoundz response to you. It was brilliant, print and read it five times a day. I wish I could PM and ask him/her who they are. While I have seen many, many post that where spot on, few rise to the level of this post in terms of writing.

[Seerum]

Sorry to hear about your experience. I had the same thing happen to me when I was 16 years old. I went to one of my brothers friends parties (they were all around 25 years old). I could drink and was very familiar with the amount of alcohol I could handle (which was voluminous). Well I was just given one beer and i was sitting in a bedroom that had quite few people in it and about half way through it I found myself falling onto the bed. I was completely gone, I came to just long enough to see a woman well I think you get the picture. I was conscious just long enough to realize what she was doing to me, wonder who she was, and realize I was asking myself why I could not move at all and then I blacked out again. I guess this was not this woman's first rodeo. By the next day she was already spreading the word to everyone and anyone that would listen to her that I used her and broke her heart. Guess who everyone believed. That experience still jumps up in my mind quite often followed by anger.

 

I do not know exactly how many types of date rape drugs there are and how long they stay in your system. But I know I was 100% sure I did not passout from any alcohol. I was drugged. The way you describe it sound eerily similar. I think you were raped. If you said you remember talking with him and a few of his friends were with him they may of all been working together to distract you while dosing your drink then unfortunately taking turns with you. That is probably why you woke up so sore as you said.

 

Just because he said oh you were all into it, you really liked it sounds more like he is trying to convince you.

 

I really wish you the best luck in deciding what to do and moving forward with your life.

[Chi townD]

So much grey in the legal system about your situation, but in the real world you were raped by a guy who has done it many times before and enjoys doing it.

 

Really? where's your proof.

 

Or are you just spouting BS because you WANT to believe that all men are rapist?

[Jabron1]

Part of my has this hope that he'd want to apologize and have a really good reason and explanation for the way he acted and to magically make me believe that he was really sorry and it would never happen again... But that's not realistic, at all.

 

You went to a party, cheated on him by having unprotected sex, and are now pregnant with another man's kid.

 

He's not exactly going to be dancing down the street singing 'zippidy doo dah' now is he?

 

Not sure what people are expecting of him here. It doesn't even sound like you framed this as rape to him.

 

Get the drug test from the doctor and put this to rest once and for all. You really need to know whether you were spiked or not. It changes everything.

[juniorrocha]

I'm sorry to read everything that happened, I'll hope everything will get under control again soon.

 

First, you should really consider to abort. Having a baby from another guy you don't even know and most likely won't commit will make your life really hard. Each to its own though; but if you want to have the baby, imo the father must know.

 

Second, your ex behaved as an *******, but I definitely cannot judge him for that, especially considering you didn't mention you could've been raped. If he was here in LS and mentioned the story you told us, I'm sure most of us would say something like "go no contact and never look back", "you deserve better", "she's making a fool of you", etc.

 

Third, if your relationship with your ex was great overall, then you should consider getting yourself together before anything and then maybe contact him to see if you guys can get past this issue. It was really serious though, so personally I wouldn't consider this option, but it's up to you and how you feel about it.

 

Please take care of yourself, try to find someone close to you that you can trust and if anything, you always have us here from LS that you can at least freely vent.