Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[bathtub-row]

She did say this. POst #58, or didn't you read before judging:

 

 

 

 

She was raped because she was drugged.

 

How heartless to be so quick to play the blame shame game.

 

Your suspicions are really not that important here.

 

I think the actual truth is, she has an extremely adverse reaction to alcohol. However, for all appearances, she seemed to be in control. It's hard to blame the guy because he had been drinking too and she didn't seem to be falling down drunk. It really does not appear that she was drugged.

 

I agree with the other poster who said this all seemed fated. If nothing else, it seems this child was meant to be born, despite all reason. And that's the story I'd tell the child. That even though the circumstances weren't ideal, life was insistent on him/her being born.

[kailah]

He doesn't want it. We talked and he said multiple times that he doesn't want a baby or family. He's also not sold that it's his. He doesn't want it at all. He apologized for not using condoms and said he didn't know I wasn't on anything. I told him I had never done that before and he said "I know, me neither". And that he's clean. He kept reiterating that he doesn't want it and nothing will come of us because of it. He was calm and nice about it, but it still hurt more than I thought it would. A lot more than I thought it would actually. I started crying and it was really stupid and awkward. We exchanged phone numbers but that's probably the last time I'll hear from him.

[CarrieT]

He doesn't want it. We talked and he said multiple times that he doesn't want a baby or family.

Of course he doesn't want it. The entire concept is new to him while you are getting used to the idea.

 

He's also not sold that it's his.

This is why you have a lawyer - to demand a paternity test.

 

He kept reiterating that he doesn't want it and nothing will come of us because of it.

You are begging for a relationship. But you should expect him to share in the responsibility of his actions.

 

He was calm and nice about it, but it still hurt more than I thought it would.

I believe this is because a part of you is starting to "nest" and I'm sure the idea of having a happy, complete family is in the back of your mind in some capacity.

 

We exchanged phone numbers but that's probably the last time I'll hear from him.

I will reiterate my previous point. You absolutely should demand a paternity test and hold him accountable for his actions if you decide to carry this child to term.

[SwordofFlame]

I think you need to make sure you get child support from him. He may not have a job today, but hopefully not too far in the future he will have one. People need to be held accountable for their actions. Do not let him get off scot-free just because you don't need his financial support. And I'm a man telling you this.

[kailah]

Of course he doesn't want it. The entire concept is new to him while you are getting used to the idea.

 

This is why you have a lawyer - to demand a paternity test.

 

You are begging for a relationship. But you should expect him to share in the responsibility of his actions.

 

I believe this is because a part of you is starting to "nest" and I'm sure the idea of having a happy, complete family is in the back of your mind in some capacity.

 

I will reiterate my previous point. You absolutely should demand a paternity test and hold him accountable for his actions if you decide to carry this child to term.

 

So he might change his mind and want to be involved? I looked it up and found that I could have a blood DNA test done after 8 weeks. That's only a month away. Maybe if he knows for sure it's his he will be more inclined to be involved?

 

I'm scared to do it alone.

 

If I force him to pay child support, won't that ruin any chance we have at getting along? To me, getting along and not fighting is more important than unneeded money.

 

Look at this from the guy's perspective. He met you, an attached girl at a party, where you flirted with him, got drunk, complained about your BF, and then threw yourself at him and had sex. Now, you're suddenly pregnant with his baby. The guy is bound to not only be skeptical of you, but of the baby as well. Every girl I have ever hooked up with has said they don't do that sort of thing, it's just something people say. So, when you tell him that, he may also be skeptical of that as well. In his perspective, I would be thinking that you are just the type of girl that gets blasted drunk and cheats on her boyfriends. Not a good impression to give.

 

You have this guy's name and number so you know how to get in touch with him. If you decide to keep the baby, you can always find him. Maybe, as time goes by, he might come around to the idea, step up, and play his part. He will also learn there are consequences to what he does.

 

I don't want him to think of me that way... At all. He'd never want anything to do with me if that's how he sees me. I don't want him to think that I'm lying about it either, I know some women do some messed up stuff.

 

I really thought that I didn't care if he was involved or not. But after actually talking with him apparently I do care. Now I feel like I have feelings for him, even though I didn't feel like that before. And I feel like I want more than anything for him to be actively involved, if not more. And those are detrimental thoughts because most likely nothing will ever happen between the two of us.

[CarrieT]

So he might change his mind and want to be involved?

Yes

 

Maybe if he knows for sure it's his he will be more inclined to be involved?

Or maybe his inclination will occur after the baby is born. Or when the baby is a toddler. Or when the child is old enough to ask about his/her father and have a conversation... Who knows?

 

But you have to have the DNA test done to be sure, regardless.

 

I'm scared to do it alone.

And there is a good argument for adoption. Find a family who is desperate for a child...

 

If I force him to pay child support, won't that ruin any chance we have at getting along?

Honestly, that is beside the point, isn't it? This should be about the welfare of the child. Not you and the father "getting along."

 

I don't want him to think of me that way... At all.

There comes a point where you can't be concerned about how someone thinks about you. Facts are facts at this point and the best you can do is deal with them in an intelligent and responsible fashion.

 

Now I feel like I have feelings for him, even though I didn't feel like that before. And I feel like I want more than anything for him to be actively involved, if not more. And those are detrimental thoughts because most likely nothing will ever happen between the two of us.

I think this is natural if you are carrying his child and your hormones are starting to ramp up...

[VeveCakes]

She did say this. POst #58, or didn't you read before judging:

 

 

 

 

She was raped because she was drugged.

 

How heartless to be so quick to play the blame shame game.

 

Your suspicions are really not that important here.

 

Maybe you need to get your facts straight because that is a reaction to alcohol not date rape drugs, the after effect is much different than a bad hangover. I've been through it twice, I'm speaking from experience.

[kailah]

Or maybe his inclination will occur after the baby is born. Or when the baby is a toddler. Or when the child is old enough to ask about his/her father and have a conversation... Who knows?

But you have to have the DNA test done to be sure, regardless.

 

If that's true, it will be hard waiting and wondering when or if he'll ever come around.

 

And there is a good argument for adoption. Find a family who is desperate for a child...

 

I don't think I could do that. I can't carry my baby to term, deliver them, hold them and give them away. Especially when I want it and know I could take care of it. It sucks that there are couples that can't conceive, but I shouldn't be made to feel like I have to give them my child.

 

There comes a point where you can't be concerned about how someone thinks about you. Facts are facts at this point and the best you can do is deal with them in an intelligent and responsible fashion.

 

But if the father of my child thinks of me negatively shouldn't I be concerned? That's someone who may be in my life forever and they have a flawed view of me. And that view could prevent him from wanting something further with me or even wanting to be around for the child. I'm not the kind of person who sleeps around and goes around cheating on everyone. I've only been with 2 people and that was hopefully my one and only hook up. I don't want him to think that I just do it over and over again and I'm no person to be in a relationship with.

 

Honestly, that is beside the point, isn't it? This should be about the welfare of the child. Not you and the father "getting along."

 

But isn't the mother and father getting along also in the best interests of the child. If we are constantly fighting that isn't good for the child.

 

I think this is natural if you are carrying his child and your hormones are starting to ramp up...

 

I don't want that to get in the way of my rational thinking. I already feel like it is. He (and our child) is all I can think about right now. But he completely shut that option down. We're not going to happen.

[CarrieT]

But isn't the mother and father getting along also in the best interests of the child. If we are constantly fighting that isn't good for the child.

Of course the mother and father getting along is in the best interests of the child. But I think you are envisioning the mother and father being a cohesive family unit and you are also putting the cart WAY before the horse considering you have only spent - what? - four or six hours with this guy?

 

I don't want that [hormones] to get in the way of my rational thinking. I already feel like it is. He (and our child) is all I can think about right now. But he completely shut that option down. We're not going to happen.

You are beginning to project your desires for "happily ever after" on this guy whom you barely know. I'm not surprised he shut down because he barely knows you either. And, frankly, it doesn't sound like he wants to know you.

 

So your best options - at least for the baby's sake - is the play hardcore with legal representation to ensure your child's future. You need to take your personal desires regarding him out of the equation entirely. If he decides to emotionally invest in the proceedings, it will be a pleasant surprise. But I wouldn't expect it...

 

You CAN - and SHOULD - hold him accountable financially though. And that part is critical.

[kailah]

Of course the mother and father getting along is in the best interests of the child. But I think you are envisioning the mother and father being a cohesive family unit and you are also putting the cart WAY before the horse considering you have only spent - what? - four or six hours with this guy?

 

It's so hard. It's like I cannot help it. Maybe I'll feel better after I sleep. I guess I just have to keep telling myself what he said. He doesn't want to pursue anything with me. He doesn't want me, or the baby.

 

You are beginning to project your desires for "happily ever after" on this guy whom you barely know. I'm not surprised he shut down because he barely knows you either. And, frankly, it doesn't sound like he wants to know you.

I didn't tell him that I want to be with him. He did ask if I would want to be together and I said it would be nice but I didn't expect it. He followed that with saying, for the third time, that he didn't want anything between us. I guess my ex was right when he said I was good enough to f*** but not good enough to be with.

 

I don't want my child to feel the way I'm feeling right now. That they aren't good enough for him.

 

So your best options - at least for the baby's sake - is the play hardcore with legal representation to ensure your child's future. You need to take your personal desires regarding him out of the equation entirely. If he decides to emotionally invest in the proceedings, it will be a pleasant surprise. But I wouldn't expect it...

 

You CAN - and SHOULD - hold him accountable financially though. And that part is critical.

I'm going to see if I can find someone to talk to about this. And in the meantime keep telling myself that he's never going to want to be with someone like me and not to expect him to change his mind.

[Tribble]

 

I didn't tell him that I want to be with him. He did ask if I would want to be together and I said it would be nice but I didn't expect it. He followed that with saying, for the third time, that he didn't want anything between us. I guess my ex was right when he said I was good enough to f*** but not good enough to be with.

 

I don't want my child to feel the way I'm feeling right now. That they aren't good enough for him.

 

 

Wow, wow, wow, slow down here. I know how hard it is but please don't feel this way. Think about it, this guy is young and you just dropped a bombshell on him. He's going to be completely shocked and, from his point of view, he really doesn't know the baby is his. You need to take this in steps. Get the paternity test, show him the results and go from there. Like you said, you have a month until you can take the test. This will allow things to sink in with him.

 

 

The guy had a ONS, he wasn't looking for a relationship. And that's OK. It's not that you aren't good enough. At all. People don't want relationships for a myriad of reasons, not because you aren't good enough. Think about it from his point of view, this is a lifelong commitment from one night of apparently no-strings fun. Give him time. So he doesn't want a relationship or a child. He only has a choice about one of those things now. This is the risk you both took when you didn't wrap up. He may step up or he may not. I know you don't want financial help from him but think about from your childs point of view. They should be supported by a father in some way, even if it is only financial. He shouldn't just disappear, your child will probably decide to want to meet him or know about him at some point in the future.

 

 

FWIW, I completely respect your choice to keep the child and I would probably do the same in your situation. Don't listen to people who say it's best not to have or not to keep it. I fully believe you can do this and provide your child with a good life. Nothing is perfect and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

[salparadise]

I didn't tell him that I want to be with him. He did ask if I would want to be together and I said it would be nice but I didn't expect it. He followed that with saying, for the third time, that he didn't want anything between us. I guess my ex was right when he said I was good enough to f*** but not good enough to be with.

 

You and he are at different places right now. He has just received the life-altering news and is still processing it. He doesn't want a baby - just like you didn't want a baby. But you're a few steps farther along in accepting the reality of the situation than he is. While his current feelings are understandable, feelings can change and his almost certainly will in some way. You may not get what you hope for, but what he said yesterday is not set in stone.

 

I don't want my child to feel the way I'm feeling right now. That they aren't good enough for him.

 

It doesn't have to be that way, regardless. You have the ability to raise a child and instill self worth and self respect in him/her. Don't get too caught up in the what ifs and catastrophic scenarios. The future is a blank slate. Be objective and accepting with regard to what you can control and what you cannot.

 

I'm going to see if I can find someone to talk to about this. And in the meantime keep telling myself that he's never going to want to be with someone like me and not to expect him to change his mind.

 

Good. Lots of counseling in the short term will be good for you. Think of it this way... you cannot change the past, you cannot determine what the future will hold. All you can do is make the best choices possible in the present for you and the child. Many of those choices will be made with the future in mind, to preserve possibilities for positive outcomes, of course, but the long what-if scenarios with expectation attached will only cause you unnecessary anxiety.

 

Here's what I think you should do... establish good communication with the guy and treat him with respect and consideration... realizing that he is in a similar situation as you with regard to unintentionally becoming a parent. Get the DNA test and make sure his name is on the birth certificate. That's it for now (the present).

 

This preserves your ability to insist that he uphold his responsibilities in the future . You will be in control of whether his is forced to step up financially if and when t's appropriate––he might become a billionaire or something, and you could fall on hard times. The future is a blank page. As the reality of being a father settles over him, paternal instincts may activate and he may want to be involved in his child's life to some degree. Chances are that if he's a moral person he will, but you can't dictate the timing or the degree. You can only make choices in the present to preserve that possibility in the future.

 

Preserve possibilities while accepting that you can't control the outcomes. Sweetie, you should read Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" It will be comforting and enlightening. It will help you sort things realistically and reduce your angst.

Edited June 2, 2016 by salparadise

[DreamP]

Here is your action plan:

 

1) Tell the guy you are having the baby whether he wants a family or not. Make it clear that you don't need anything from him. That you are fine raising the baby on your own but that you would prefer the child know his/her father.

2) Get a paternity test to ensure he knows for sure.

3) Get his name on the birth certificate.

 

After that, leave it. You can't make a man step up to the plate. And he may not be mature enough to do so. Also, don't hold any fantasies about you and he getting together. Not even in a remote way. That only happens in the movies. Best case scenario, you two will have an amicable relationship to raise a child together, although the majority of the burden will fall on you. You will always be the woman that ruined his life. I know you aren't expecting anything, but it seems clear you are hoping. Don't. You have a better chance of winning the lottery.

[drifter777]

kailah: You need to understand something. Many, many young guys simply don't care if they hurt someone. Really. They don't think about consequences of their actions. These guys live for the moment and that's it. You will never understand these dudes because your brain cannot conjure up that a person could be so uncaring. They are not capable of real love. They are young and reckless and right now you are collateral damage to both your BF and your baby-daddy. Like road-kill. It's the nature of many young guys - they just don't care.

 

Guys like this aren't worth sh*t until they reach mid-30's. And if these reckless guys try to "settle down" in there 20's they are simply acting - following a script of what they think they are supposed to do. Like "Hey, I'm 24 so it's time to grow up. Will you marry me?" Then they turn the page of the script and keep trying to act as a man would act. They are faking it but most of them will finally grow up in a few years time, but those are tough years for their partners.

 

Of course there are guys who mature earlier than the reckless guys I'm referring to and are real men by 25. These are the guys who can be good husbands and fathers but they kind of ruin things for you girls. You see these "good" guys in their mid-20's and think this means your reckless guy can be changed into a good guy. Well, he might when he's 35 but in the meantime you will go nuts trying to change him.

 

I'm one of those guys and my wife suffered through my reckless years. I wanted to be a man so I acted like a man but, really, I was a young and reckless boy until my 30's.

 

If you won't get an abortion I think you should just prepare to be a single mom for a while. Don't you dare marry one of these clowns because you and your child deserve a real husband and father so wait until a real man comes along. Meanwhile, don't put pressure on baby-daddy to be involved but make sure he knows he's welcome to be in the baby's life. He will probably decide to be involved but it's important that he makes the decision himself. Really - don't push him or he'll run. Remember that he might be man enough to be a part-time father but don't expect anything more from him until he (daddy) grows up.

Edited June 2, 2016 by drifter777

[kendahke]

Just so that you know:

 

How 3 women may have saved a stranger from date rape | Globalnews.ca

[kailah]

He sent me a message today and it said that he has a lawyer. And that he thinks it's best if we don't talk at all until the DNA test is done because he has doubts that it's his and that I'm even pregnant. Then, if necessary, we can discuss his financial obligations. That's a month away.

 

Now whenever I see a couple together with a baby I get upset. My baby won't have that. Instead it gets a mom who got pregnant on a one night stand and a dad who doesn't care about it's existence on this planet.

 

I got sick twice at work today and had to tell my boss what was going on and she sent me home for the day. She was nice about it but it was extremely awkward because she knows what is going on in my life even more now.

 

I want, so badly, to just go back to the familiarity of my ex. Everything changed way too fast and I wish I could have just some part of what I know back. He still claims to want to try and work things out. But I just don't trust him anymore. But I find that I'm having a lot of trouble completely closing that door.

[anna121]

He got a lawyer, huh?

 

Interesting.

[SammySammy]

He got a lawyer, huh?

 

Interesting.

 

Pragmatic decision.

 

He's not making decisions based on what he hopes and wishes would happen.

 

Might be wise for OP to consider doing the same. What Carrie T has been recommending all along.

[Space Ritual]

Time to Lawyer up yourself.

 

I'm sorry that this guy apparently does not believe you, but you had to expect that. Now he is attempting to protect himself, it's time you do the same.

[Miss Peach]

FWIW I am a divorced single parent. While there are a lot of guys who won't get involved there are a lot of men who will. I've met some great men on the market since getting divorced. My BF treats both me and my child really well. I agree with the previous post if you decide to go down the single parent route. It's hard doing it without help, but don't tie yourself down to a man who is only going to hold you back. Wait for a good one who fits in well with your new family.

[kailah]

I talked to my dad about it. He said it's unlikely that the guy has a lawyer, he's probably just saying that to scare me off if I am lying about being pregnant or him being the father. Which honestly, seems more realistic than him actually having hired a lawyer. Either way, my dad said to ignore it. Do the DNA test and leave it at that.

 

If you don't have anything helpful or nice to say, just refrain from saying anything. Right now this is the only place I can freely, openly vent and express myself.

[CarrieT]

Pages and pages ago, several of us recommended getting a lawyer.

 

I suspect he has and it is time you do so as well.

 

One of the distinct advantages is that there will be responsible people involved who can manage the situation without emotions getting in the way.

[Laprus9]

I think he should pay child support but that doesn't necessarily mean he'll want anything to do with his child. It'll just be one weekly/monthly transaction and that's it.

 

I feel sorry for the unborn child, I come from a single parent family and not having a Father around had a deeply negative effect on me growing up.

 

I wish you all the best OP.

[Miss Peach]

I agree it's worth at least a consultation with a lawyer. Where I live there are a lot of rules about establishing paternity. If you do that, you would be able to get cs but you likely will have to give up some level of custody and decision making. Since you are not married, someone would have to establish paternity first typically.

 

I know of several women in your situation who just left it for the man to fight for paternity. I know of people who tried to make the man who didn't want to become a father (which never works). I also know of several who mad baby daddies who used it as an excuse to make their lives hell.

 

It's worth it to weigh your options and develop a game plan of yours and your child's best interest within the legal framework of where you live. Not sure about your area, but in mine all the lawyers did consultations for free for about an hour.

[brienoch]

Holy crap girl. I agree with everyone else, boyfriend is secondary. I know you said you don't drink much and you've never been drunk but even in a drunken state you should be able to remember some details. It sounds like possibly something more sinister went on... something similar happened to me in college, I got drunk at a party after getting dumped by my boyfriend of 4 years and ended up with some dude... I remembered a lot of it though... I would definitely DEFINITELY get a Plan B pill and get tested as soon as possible. As for your boyfriend, be sure to just be honest. I feel you may have been taken advantage of. Definitely don't sleep with your boyfriend until you get tested. If the guy gave you something you do not want to pass it on to your boyfriend and make the situation a lot worse. You should always cover your drinks with your hand when you're out and have someone watch your back for you. Above all you need to be safe.