Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[karena70]

No, no matter what you did, you do not put up with abuse.

 

[]

Edited June 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Cinnamonstix]

Your ex is immature and unhealthy. This relationship is now toxic. I also don't think he will respect you after taking him back after he publicly shamed you on Facebook, verbally abused you and sought revenge. You are sending the message that you will tolerate anything just to stay together.

 

As I said in your other thread, this relationship is not salvageable. Too much has happened and he's not even a good guy. His history of cheating on other women is just further proof of what a cad he is.

 

Even if you do stay together, it will not last. It just won't. Rather than run it through the mud and take more of his jabs, move on, take some time for yourself, and then start fresh with someone else.

[kailah]

I noticed you answered everything except the true nature of your relationship with this other guy which tells me you have indeed had more of a relationship then your even willing to admit.

 

You can run from that, if you plan a long term relationship with your boyfriend then this is something you have to be honest about. If this other guy is indeed the father then it's almost certain the sexual history will come out. Don't run from it, face it now and give the relationship a real shot.

 

Even if whatever happened was after the fact and while we were split up, and he was screwing other women?

[kailah]

Your ex is immature and unhealthy. This relationship is now toxic. I also don't think he will respect you after taking him back after he publicly shamed you on Facebook, verbally abused you and sought revenge. You are sending the message that you will tolerate anything just to stay together.

 

As I said in your other thread, this relationship is not salvageable. Too much has happened and he's not even a good guy. His history of cheating on other women is just further proof of what a cad he is.

 

Even if you do stay together, it will not last. It just won't. Rather than run it through the mud and take more of his jabs, move on, take some time for yourself, and then start fresh with someone else.

 

Yeah... making this post has made me realize that I think. He keeps apologizing but then insults me or says something purposely to hurt me. I think I just have to end it and stop all contact with him.

Edited June 18, 2016 by kailah

[DKT3]

Listen he is hurt, anger is a result. If this wasn't his behavior before you cheated then it's likely not who he is.

 

As far as you having a relationship with this other guy, yes you need to tell. I've been around this stuff alot, your first encounter was no accident, I'm betting there was flirting and texting going on before hand. Then you continued this other relationship, I'm will to bet even to this day.

 

Isn't it wrong that you punish him for messing with other women while your carrying on two relationship.

 

Time to start getting honest, with being honest with yourself being first on the list. It doesn't matter if you stay in one of these two relationships or not. This will be a problem for you until you get honest and own your behavior. Time to grow up, baby is on the way.

[kailah]

Listen he is hurt, anger is a result. If this wasn't his behavior before you cheated then it's likely not who he is.

 

As far as you having a relationship with this other guy, yes you need to tell. I've been around this stuff alot, your first encounter was no accident, I'm betting there was flirting and texting going on before hand. Then you continued this other relationship, I'm will to bet even to this day.

 

Isn't it wrong that you punish him for messing with other women while your carrying on two relationship.

 

Time to start getting honest, with being honest with yourself being first on the list. It doesn't matter if you stay in one of these two relationships or not. This will be a problem for you until you get honest and own your behavior. Time to grow up, baby is on the way.

 

But how long am I supposed to put up with it? It's not okay. Cheating isn't okay either but if he wants to try and fix the relationship using me as an emotional punching bag isn't going to work. And isn't okay.

 

That's not accurate and I think you are projecting. Prior to the night I hooked up with him I had never met or heard of him. Then we had one thing happen last week and that's it. We don't talk past anything related to the baby and don't talk a lot. There is nothing between us (romantically speaking).

 

I also haven't punished my boyfriend for sleeping with other women. I haven't even said anything because I don't think I have a place to say anything. I cheated, got pregnant. We split up and he slept around, while trying to get me back. Then stopped when we decided to try again.

[karena70]

But how long am I supposed to put up with it? It's not okay. Cheating isn't okay either but if he wants to try and fix the relationship using me as an emotional punching bag isn't going to work. And isn't okay.

 

That's not accurate and I think you are projecting. Prior to the night I hooked up with him I had never met or heard of him. Then we had one thing happen last week and that's it. We don't talk past anything related to the baby and don't talk a lot. There is nothing between us (romantically speaking).

 

I also haven't punished my boyfriend for sleeping with other women. I haven't even said anything because I don't think I have a place to say anything. I cheated, got pregnant. We split up and he slept around, while trying to get me back. Then stopped when we decided to try again.

 

I really think you need to clarify some of the details of your situation for those who choose not to read the repeatedly linked thread. You were NOT having concurrent relationships. You had one night, most of which you don't remember, and the memories you DO think you have were probably infuenced by what your friends told you.

 

So that does change things.

[William]

Moderation merged an update on this relationship issue into the existing thread and will remind members our guidelines regarding topical material and civility continue to apply. Thanks!

 

 

Got a report of a threadjack and was going to close the thread but noticed the thread starter was forming up a response so will leave it open. Please focus on the thread starter's update and keep things topical. Thanks!

[DKT3]

But how long am I supposed to put up with it? It's not okay. Cheating isn't okay either but if he wants to try and fix the relationship using me as an emotional punching bag isn't going to work. And isn't okay.

 

That's not accurate and I think you are projecting. Prior to the night I hooked up with him I had never met or heard of him. Then we had one thing happen last week and that's it. We don't talk past anything related to the baby and don't talk a lot. There is nothing between us (romantically speaking).

 

I also haven't punished my boyfriend for sleeping with other women. I haven't even said anything because I don't think I have a place to say anything. I cheated, got pregnant. We split up and he slept around, while trying to get me back. Then stopped when we decided to try again.

I'm not projecting, I've never been in that situation.

[DKT3]

I really think you need to clarify some of the details of your situation for those who choose not to read the repeatedly linked thread. You were NOT having concurrent relationships. You had one night, most of which you don't remember, and the memories you DO think you have were probably infuenced by what your friends told you.

 

So that does change things.

She has admitted to a continuation of relations with the other guy but says it was while they broke up....the story is some what odd and has holes In it.

 

I get the feeling that she doesn't get it, it almost seems like she thinks bf should get over it already, I mean she made a mistake that she can't remember, yet continued afterwards. That's more then a one night stand.

 

Both parties are immature and coping with the situation poorly. The bf can't express his feelings so it comes out thru anger and revenge, she seems to be conflict avoiding, and minimizing her actions both during and since the ons, throw in a little entitlement and you have a mess. If they get some coaching and get honest they can give this a real shot.

Edited June 19, 2016 by DKT3

[kailah]

I get the feeling that she doesn't get it, it almost seems like she thinks bf should get over it already, I mean she made a mistake that she can't remember, yet continued afterwards. That's more then a one night stand.

 

I do get it. I have never said that he should just get over it already. I don't expect him to be over it and expect it to take a long, long time. However I DO expect to be treated better.

[kailah]

Okay. HERE is the condensed version. I would very much like to move past what this thread was originally about. That's done. Which is why I made a new one but understand why they were merged.

 

-I had/have a BF of 4 years, we lived together and marriage was in the near future. I was very happy and we had a great relationship.

 

-May 13 I went to a grad party for my university class. I'm not the type to drink or sleep around. But I drank too much and hooked up with a random guy, no condoms were used.

-I was attracted to him and we talked, drank and flirted for hours. Things progressed and sex happened, twice.

 

-May 14 The next morning I woke up with this random guy. At that point didn't remember anything. The guy said we had fun.

 

-May 16 Posted here, members jumped to conclusion that I was drugged and raped. I didn't think that and my friends didn't think that.

-Multiple friends told me that I was drinking, having fun and we were both flirting heavily. One tried to get me to leave with her but I wouldn't.

 

-May 17 I told my BF what had happened, he lost it and said a lot mean things for days, and online for all friends, family and co-workers to see. I moved out and our relationship ceased.

-Had STD tests and drug tests done over a few weeks, all came back negative.

 

-May 20 About a week after the party and right after starting therapy I started remembering details, on my own. Now I remember a lot of the night. I needed to talk it out without judgement and relax.

 

-May 23 Ex told me that he was sleeping with other women now, which hurt me a lot.

 

-May 25 Ex wanted to meet up to chat. Started apologizing for what he said and did, and kept saying mean things.

 

-May 31 Pregnancy confirmed by doctor; no possibility to be ex-bf's.

-Ex wanted to try to fix the relationship anyway, kept apologizing but also saying mean things

 

-June 1 Talked to the guy that I slept with, told him I was pregnant. He did not want me to keep the baby at all. I got very emotional about it and felt like I really wanted him to be involved with me and the baby. Out of nowhere I thought I had strong feelings for him. He didn't want anything to do with me.

 

-June 3 He messaged me and said he had a lawyer (later admitted to try and scare me away if I was lying) and didn't want to have any contact until the DNA test, at which point he would pay child support only.

 

-June 7 he decided he wanted to go to the ultrasound with me.

 

-June 10 had the ultrasound, he showed up but left immediately after it started. We went to talk after, after talking for 2 hours he kissed me. That led to being at his place and having sex. My emotions got the best of me and I wasn't thinking logically. I stupidly thought he was changing his mind. I'm dumb when it comes to him.

 

-June 13 went for to a coffee shop to talk to the guy about what we did and he said it was a mistake. He said again that he doesn't want a relationship with me. He said (again) that he doesn't want to talk again until the DNA test comes back. He has messaged me a few times since though, about the pregnancy (like how am I) or baby related things (tests).

 

-June 16 went out with my ex to try and work things out. Have not told him about what happened after the ultrasound. He was sleeping with other people, I did the same.

Edited June 19, 2016 by kailah

[DKT3]

Okay. HERE is the condensed version. I would very much like to move past what this thread was originally about. That's done. Which is why I made a new one but understand why they were merged.

 

-I had/have a BF of 4 years, we lived together and marriage was in the near future. I was very happy and we had a great relationship.

 

-May 13 I went to a grad party for my university class. I'm not the type to drink or sleep around. But I drank too much and hooked up with a random guy, no condoms were used.

-I was attracted to him and we talked, drank and flirted for hours. Things progressed and sex happened, twice.

 

-May 14 The next morning I woke up with this random guy. At that point didn't remember anything. The guy said we had fun.

 

-May 16 Posted here, members jumped to conclusion that I was drugged and raped. I didn't think that and my friends didn't think that.

-Multiple friends told me that I was drinking, having fun and we were both flirting heavily. One tried to get me to leave with her but I wouldn't.

 

-May 17 I told my BF what had happened, he lost it and said a lot mean things for days, and online for all friends, family and co-workers to see. I moved out and our relationship ceased.

-Had STD tests and drug tests done over a few weeks, all came back negative.

 

-May 20 About a week after the party and right after starting therapy I started remembering details, on my own. Now I remember a lot of the night. I needed to talk it out without judgement and relax.

 

-May 23 Ex told me that he was sleeping with other women now, which hurt me a lot.

 

-May 25 Ex wanted to meet up to chat. Started apologizing for what he said and did, and kept saying mean things.

 

-May 31 Pregnancy confirmed by doctor; no possibility to be ex-bf's.

-Ex wanted to try to fix the relationship anyway, kept apologizing but also saying mean things

 

-June 1 Talked to the guy that I slept with, told him I was pregnant. He did not want me to keep the baby at all. I got very emotional about it and felt like I really wanted him to be involved with me and the baby. Out of nowhere I thought I had strong feelings for him. He didn't want anything to do with me.

 

-June 3 He messaged me and said he had a lawyer (later admitted to try and scare me away if I was lying) and didn't want to have any contact until the DNA test, at which point he would pay child support only.

 

-June 7 he decided he wanted to go to the ultrasound with me.

 

-June 10 had the ultrasound, he showed up but left immediately after it started. We went to talk after, after talking for 2 hours he kissed me. That led to being at his place and having sex. My emotions got the best of me and I wasn't thinking logically. I stupidly thought he was changing his mind. I'm dumb when it comes to him.

 

-June 13 went for to a coffee shop to talk to the guy about what we did and he said it was a mistake. He said again that he doesn't want a relationship with me. He said (again) that he doesn't want to talk again until the DNA test comes back. He has messaged me a few times since though, about the pregnancy (like how am I) or baby related things (tests).

 

-June 16 went out with my ex to try and work things out. Have not told him about what happened after the ultrasound. He was sleeping with other people, I did the same.

 

Did it dawn on you that he said he was sleeping with other women to hurt you?

 

You said I was projecting but in truth it happened just as I said only in a very short timeframe.

 

Now you are hiding behind technicality, and using what your bf said to justify your actions, actions that you would have taken anyways...see the first sexual encounter as proof.

[dpass]

We went to talk after, after talking for 2 hours he kissed me. That led to being at his place and having sex. My emotions got the best of me and I wasn't thinking logically. I stupidly thought he was changing his mind. I'm dumb when it comes to him.

 

-June 13 went for to a coffee shop to talk to the guy about what we did and he said it was a mistake. He said again that he doesn't want a relationship with me.

 

....What happens if he comes around again and pulls the same stunt? Will you have sex or kiss him again? If so, get out of the relationship. You find him attractive and you have sex with him at the drop of a hat. Chances are he will always be in your life. If you can't keep your pants on around him then why bother trying to fix the relationship?

 

You said HE thought it was a mistake..... So you didn't think it was a mistake? You also said HE doesn't want a relationship with you, do you want one with him?

[Dis]

Oh, this is going to sound very harsh but this needs to be said.....

 

You need to get your $hit together....you are a hot mess

 

What makes you think its a good idea to bring a child into this world when you're behaving like one???? A very irresponsible, thoughtless, careless child

[ExpatInItaly]

I think the reason some people are suspicious about the nature of the relationship with this other guy is because you said you're "dumb when it comes to him," which makes it sound as though you have some type of history beyond your night with him at this party. It's an odd thing to say about someone you barely know. Just my guess.

 

Regardless, you need to get yourself together.

 

Forget your ex, it's not going to work.

 

Focus on yourself. You are all over the map right now and it's not healthy.

Edited June 19, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[italianjob]

I think the reason some people are suspicious about the nature of the relationship with this other guy is because you said you're "dumb when it comes to him," which makes it sound as though you have some type of history beyond your night with him at this party. It's an odd thing to say about someone you barely know. Just my guess.

 

 

Frankly, this is taking a wild turn.

 

I must say the reason I stopped posting on your other thread was the fact that when you talked about your trying to getting contact with the other guy, you sounded strange about him, like you were, in a way, fond of him.

 

Then I told myself my imagination was taking control and I needed to stop posting.

 

Well maybe it wasn't just my imagination.

 

Are you sure you didn't go to the party with the intention of having sex with this guy and convince him to be your new BF (while you kept your current BF as plan B)

 

Are you sure that your very fast decision to keep a baby that, at that time, seemed to possibly be the result of a series of bad decisions or maybe even of a date rape, isn't based on the fact that you are "dumb" about this guy?

 

I hope you're not bringing a child into this world only to secure a relationship with your dream guy...

 

I'm afraid the casual sex here wasn't that casual after all...

[kailah]

Did it dawn on you that he said he was sleeping with other women to hurt you?

 

You said I was projecting but in truth it happened just as I said only in a very short timeframe.

 

Now you are hiding behind technicality, and using what your bf said to justify your actions, actions that you would have taken anyways...see the first sexual encounter as proof.

 

I know he slept with at least one other person. He also still says that he did, it wasn't a one time thing that came out of his mouth. And to be honest, even if he did say it just to get back at me then it might as well be true.

 

No, it didn't happen just as you said. You said I had on ongoing relationship with him, I don't. Nor did I plan to hook up with him the first time (or second time for that matter). And nor did I know of his existence on this planet before I met him at that party.

 

I'm not trying to justify my actions, what I did was stupid. However we were not together when it happened. Just as we were not together when he decided to sleep with someone else.

 

Regardless, I think there is no way the relationship is salvageable.

 

....What happens if he comes around again and pulls the same stunt? Will you have sex or kiss him again? If so, get out of the relationship. You find him attractive and you have sex with him at the drop of a hat. Chances are he will always be in your life. If you can't keep your pants on around him then why bother trying to fix the relationship?

 

You said HE thought it was a mistake..... So you didn't think it was a mistake? You also said HE doesn't want a relationship with you, do you want one with him?

 

It was a mistake that shouldn't have happened. But I didn't think that until after he said it was a mistake. I thought, maybe, he was starting to come around and wanted to be part of our lives. But apparently I was wrong.

 

Oh, this is going to sound very harsh but this needs to be said.....

 

You need to get your $hit together....you are a hot mess

 

What makes you think its a good idea to bring a child into this world when you're behaving like one???? A very irresponsible, thoughtless, careless child

 

I don't think I am behaving like a child. I am not going around sleeping with men left and right. I'm not trying to find a NEW guy to be with. I tried to make some sort of relationship with my child's FATHER. And tried to work things out with the man I had a relationship with when this happened. I don't think you have any right to tell me if I should have my child or not. It's already here and coming.

 

I think the reason some people are suspicious about the nature of the relationship with this other guy is because you said you're "dumb when it comes to him," which makes it sound as though you have some type of history beyond your night with him at this party. It's an odd thing to say about someone you barely know. Just my guess.

 

Regardless, you need to get yourself together.

 

Forget your ex, it's not going to work.

 

Focus on yourself. You are all over the map right now and it's not healthy.

 

Because I let me emotions and hope get in the way of rational thinking. The first time I had sex with him, there is no excuse for that. I was drunk, attracted to him, spent too much time with him that night and everything fell into place for sex to happen.

 

The second time I had sex with him, last week, I let my emotions get the best of me. I (stupidly) thought that he was starting to want to be involved. It was right after I saw the ultrasound, and even though there wasn't much to see it still made it a lot more real. He saw the same and I thought maybe it was more real for him too. He spent a couple hours talking with me and when he kissed me I jumped too far ahead. I still don't understand what happened.

 

Was he just toying with my emotions, just trying to get laid again, maybe he actually did feel closer to me and then got scared again. I don't know. But in that moment my ex and I were totally done and I just saw my baby for the first time with the dad.

 

I feel like I have a million things pulling me towards him but he apparently has zero interest in me so I try to ignore it.

 

Are you sure you didn't go to the party with the intention of having sex with this guy and convince him to be your new BF (while you kept your current BF as plan B)

 

Are you sure that your very fast decision to keep a baby that, at that time, seemed to possibly be the result of a series of bad decisions or maybe even of a date rape, isn't based on the fact that you are "dumb" about this guy?

 

I didn't know the guy before the party. So no. I did not go there purposely to **** him and get knocked up. But thanks.

[italianjob]

I didn't know the guy before the party. So no. I did not go there purposely to **** him and get knocked up. But thanks.

 

I'm quite sure the knocked up part was not planned.

 

But you sound like you have your head on your shoulder, but **** this guy every time you see him.

 

And it's quite some coincidence how you turn out to be "dumb" around the "random" guy you "casually" ****ed.

 

Just too unbelievable to me, sorry. And with that I'm out of this thread.

[DKT3]

The relationship could be saved, but it would take work that you don't seem capable of. First is holding yourself accountable 100% for your actions. You may think you are but whenever a statement is followed by but then you are not. Ex I slept with him but I was drunk, or too emotional. It's takes away from you taking full responsibility.

 

Secondly this isn't something your bf can just get over as you seem to believe when you make comments like "how long do i have to put up with this. It's only be a few months since he has known you cheated, then you packed up and left now you are pregnant. How in the world do you expect him to just get over it.

 

Lastly running away and trying to jump into a relationship with this other guy is easy and telling about who you are as a person. There seems to be very little true compassion for what you've done and absolutely no remorse.

[kailah]

I'm quite sure the knocked up part was not planned.

 

But you sound like you have your head on your shoulder, but **** this guy every time you see him.

 

And it's quite some coincidence how you turn out to be "dumb" around the "random" guy you "casually" ****ed.

 

Just too unbelievable to me, sorry. And with that I'm out of this thread.

 

I don't **** him every time I see him. Time to stop making such accusations. Especially on a forum where it's be proven that one person says something and 20 people jump on that wagon and what the ONE person said outweighs what even I say.

 

I have seen him 4 times, had sex with him 2 times. So no, I do not "**** this guy every time I see him".

 

Yeah, you know what it's probably not normal to be dumb around a random ONS. But guess what? Getting knocked up from it also is NOT normal and a different situation.

 

If you don't like what you read on any thread then just leave. No need to state your exit.

 

The relationship could be saved, but it would take work that you don't seem capable of. First is holding yourself accountable 100% for your actions. You may think you are but whenever a statement is followed by but then you are not. Ex I slept with him but I was drunk, or too emotional. It's takes away from you taking full responsibility.

 

Secondly this isn't something your bf can just get over as you seem to believe when you make comments like "how long do i have to put up with this. It's only be a few months since he has known you cheated, then you packed up and left now you are pregnant. How in the world do you expect him to just get over it.

 

Lastly running away and trying to jump into a relationship with this other guy is easy and telling about who you are as a person. There seems to be very little true compassion for what you've done and absolutely no remorse.

 

Okay, you do not know me at all and you are still making generalizations. My best guess is that you have been cheated on and are projecting your feelings at me. And that is no better than my ex.

 

I didn't pack up and leave. HE told me to get out. HE is the one who said the words "we're f***ing done" and "I hope you get aids and die".

 

It doesn't matter what I did, he still has no right to call me a s**t and constantly remind me of what I did. He can be hurt, and mad and upset, but he cannot verbally abuse me.

 

I am done trying to explain myself to you. If you want to believe I have no remorse then so be it. Trying to convince you other wise is impossible because your head is so far up your ***.

[DKT3]

Point proven......no accountability....

 

Attack me all you like doesn't change your situation.

 

Good luck to you

[William]

I requested moderation take a look at this thread and, in the meantime, my suggestion would be to tone down the personal and inflammatory remarks on all sides. Thanks!

[dpass]

It was a mistake that shouldn't have happened. But I didn't think that until after he said it was a mistake. I thought, maybe, he was starting to come around and wanted to be part of our lives. But apparently I was wrong.

 

Ok.... but you didn't answer the first part of the question. What happens if your hook up comes by again and wants to have sex again?

 

I don't think you are a bad person. I think you are a confused person. To me.... it sounds like you want to be with the dude you hooked up with. But he doesn't want you.... so you are trying to make it work with your ex instead as a second choice. That isn't fair to him. And if the dude did change his mind and want to be with you.... you'd drop your bf like there's no tomorrow.

 

You need to be logical here.... You don't know this other dude. You don't know anything about it. He could be the sexiest thing on the planet but you don't know who he is as a person and if you would even get along.

 

Try to be friends first.... No sex. No kissing. See if he is even someone you would be interested in if you were not carrying his child. If he even wants a friendship.....

 

....and while you may have been broken up for the second hook up. This is still the guy you cheated on your bf with. THAT is why he deserves to know. You slept with the guy again which makes the line every cheater says.... "it was a mistake it'll never happen again" unbelievable to your bf.

 

If you end it once and for all.... which I think you should..... then he doesn't need to know.

[elaine567]

She's pregnant. She is now tied to this guy she had a ONS with for ever and a day due to the child.

I can see why she may want to test the waters as to the possibility of a relationship developing, why not?

Practically and logically it makes perfect sense.

 

The bf now ex, made it perfectly clear where he stands, he kicked her out, the OP owes him nothing now.