Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[kailah]

You miss you ex, the guy you was planning to marry so much that you felt he had no right to be angry, your attitude was "I did it get over it". You miss him so much that you've allowed yourself to become a booty call for a guy you don't even know.

 

What your doing is foolish, very very foolish. You are compounding mistakes. You cheat, get pregnant, then ruined any shot of rebuilding a relationship you claimed you wanted all the while chasing a relationship with a guy who only wants to have sex with you. No way this can end well.

 

My advice, stop chasing this clown, focus on your baby. The likelihood of being together with this guy is null, even if you happen to guilt or pressure him into one, it will be short lived. Your interest is superficial, his interest is azz. Get it together, put your big girl panties on and raise your child.

 

I don't know what your problem is but you've twisted everything I've said since I started posting here.

 

I never said he had to just get over it. Literally, never. Not to him, not to you, not to friends, not even to myself. The only thing I said he had to stop doing was verbally abusing me. I don't care how mad or hurt someone is, you don't get to say things like he said. Which I can't repeat without getting moderated.

 

Him showing the worst side of him possible, with no sign of letting up, quickly stripped away feelings that I had for him. You can miss an abuser, it doesn't mean you should be with them or even really want to be with them. Why would I want to be with someone who completely randomly will tell me he hopes I get AIDS and die? And tells that to the world?

 

He was (and still is) allowed to be hurt. He was allowed to be angry. But you don't get to tell someone that you love (or even someone that you don't love) that you hope they die, hope they get an incurable disease and suffer, hope they get cancer, hope their baby dies, hope they are alone for the rest of their life, that they are worthless, trash, no good, disgusting, a hooker, and a ton of other words that will get removed.

 

What I did was horrible. What he did was horrible. There was no coming back from either of it. Not every relationship can be repaired.

 

I didn't sabotage the relationship, I walked away from it. My ex was the one who initiated getting back together, I was the one who walked away.

 

How is it any different than a couple breaking up and both parties sleeping with other people after, for whatever reason? It's not. People can miss their ex and still sleep around or have rebounds, many times to try and get over the ex. Or do you judge all of them too? And let's not forget, my ex was no angel. He was a serial cheater before we met. After we broke up he slept with other women and was kind enough to send me a picture of him in bed with another girl.

 

It's not a booty call. That is my kids DAD. He will possibly always be in our lives. I owe it to my child, and myself and him, to try if there is something there. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. But it's worth trying.

 

We don't have sex every time we see each other, we only have a few times. He doesn't push sex. If all he wanted was sex wouldn't he be trying to it every time we see each other?

[DKT3]

I don't know what your problem is but you've twisted everything I've said since I started posting here.

 

I never said he had to just get over it. Literally, never. Not to him, not to you, not to friends, not even to myself. The only thing I said he had to stop doing was verbally abusing me. I don't care how mad or hurt someone is, you don't get to say things like he said. Which I can't repeat without getting moderated.

 

Him showing the worst side of him possible, with no sign of letting up, quickly stripped away feelings that I had for him. You can miss an abuser, it doesn't mean you should be with them or even really want to be with them. Why would I want to be with someone who completely randomly will tell me he hopes I get AIDS and die? And tells that to the world?

 

He was (and still is) allowed to be hurt. He was allowed to be angry. But you don't get to tell someone that you love (or even someone that you don't love) that you hope they die, hope they get an incurable disease and suffer, hope they get cancer, hope their baby dies, hope they are alone for the rest of their life, that they are worthless, trash, no good, disgusting, a hooker, and a ton of other words that will get removed.

 

What I did was horrible. What he did was horrible. There was no coming back from either of it. Not every relationship can be repaired.

 

I didn't sabotage the relationship, I walked away from it. My ex was the one who initiated getting back together, I was the one who walked away.

 

How is it any different than a couple breaking up and both parties sleeping with other people after, for whatever reason? It's not. People can miss their ex and still sleep around or have rebounds, many times to try and get over the ex. Or do you judge all of them too? And let's not forget, my ex was no angel. He was a serial cheater before we met. After we broke up he slept with other women and was kind enough to send me a picture of him in bed with another girl.

 

It's not a booty call. That is my kids DAD. He will possibly always be in our lives. I owe it to my child, and myself and him, to try if there is something there. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. But it's worth trying.

 

We don't have sex every time we see each other, we only have a few times. He doesn't push sex. If all he wanted was sex wouldn't he be trying to it every time we see each other?

 

You can convince yourself of anything you would like, what I'm telling you is your being foolish. You lying to yourself about this guy's interest.

 

As far as your ex, well lashing out is part of being hurt by someone you had total trust in. What he said was wrong, but reactionary, you yourself said that you've never seen that side of him. Him telling people you cheated isn't abuse, that is also very normal.

 

You did sabotage your relationship, you told your f-buddy you resented dating your ex.

 

Maybe your words didn't say I did it get over but your actions did, words are words action is were the truth lies.

 

Lastly getting pregnant by someone you don't know is one mistake, trying to force a relationship is another. You child will not benefit from a forced relationship that will have its mom chasing the hot guy, and his dad (maybe) feeling trapped being with a woman who guilted him into being there.

 

You are so young, but your actions are naive and shallow.

[dpass]

Am I supposed to just leave the ball in his court and wait for him to make a move? He hasn't messaged me or anything. He liked a picture I posted on Facebook, that was somewhat baby related. I want to message him but don't want to do something wrong.

 

Won't he think I'm not interested if I don't put in an effort to contact him? I guess he knows where I stand. I just don't want to ruin it, if there is anything to ruin.

 

The picture that he liked he chose the heart emoji, and its the first time he's had any sort of presence on my social media. Idk, maybe I'm reading too much into it.

 

Yes. You have already put yourself out there. He knows that you want a relationship. You've told him that. Leave it alone. If he wants to give a whirl, he knows where to find you.

 

Liking a picture on facebook, instagram, twitter, whatever doesn't mean jack. I have liked pictures of total strangers. It could be a little, wee bit different that he chose the heart icon vs just liking it. At this point though, I think you are reading too far into it. If he had commented saying how excited he was or something, ok then maybe. Anyone can 'like' a picture and he could very well be doing it to keep you right where he wants you. Read: an easy lay.

 

We don't have sex every time we see each other, we only have a few times. He doesn't push sex. If all he wanted was sex wouldn't he be trying to it every time we see each other?

 

Not if he was smart. If he makes it too obvious, well... it'll be too obvious.

 

Look. Now that he knows that this child is his he could have some sort of revelation. OR he could feel pressured or guilted into a relationship and it will come crumbling down as fast as it started.

 

If you want to try, then try. First, thing about WHY you want to. Is it soley because he's your baby daddy? Is it because he's hot? Or do you actually like him as a person and have things in common?

 

As far as your ex, well lashing out is part of being hurt by someone you had total trust in. What he said was wrong, but reactionary, you yourself said that you've never seen that side of him. Him telling people you cheated isn't abuse, that is also very normal.

 

I'm going to disagree with this. I have had some very sh*&ty people in my life. I've been cheated on, and I've cheated. I've been hurt in some unimaginable ways. But I have never lashed out the way this dude did. Even so, saying something so utterly sh*&ty once or twice, ok that can prob slide. Saying is over and over again though and bashing on facebook? No, that doesn't slide.

[DKT3]

Yes. You have already put yourself out there. He knows that you want a relationship. You've told him that. Leave it alone. If he wants to give a whirl, he knows where to find you.

 

Liking a picture on facebook, instagram, twitter, whatever doesn't mean jack. I have liked pictures of total strangers. It could be a little, wee bit different that he chose the heart icon vs just liking it. At this point though, I think you are reading too far into it. If he had commented saying how excited he was or something, ok then maybe. Anyone can 'like' a picture and he could very well be doing it to keep you right where he wants you. Read: an easy lay.

 

 

 

Not if he was smart. If he makes it too obvious, well... it'll be too obvious.

 

Look. Now that he knows that this child is his he could have some sort of revelation. OR he could feel pressured or guilted into a relationship and it will come crumbling down as fast as it started.

 

If you want to try, then try. First, thing about WHY you want to. Is it soley because he's your baby daddy? Is it because he's hot? Or do you actually like him as a person and have things in common?

 

 

 

I'm going to disagree with this. I have had some very sh*&ty people in my life. I've been cheated on, and I've cheated. I've been hurt in some unimaginable ways. But I have never lashed out the way this dude did. Even so, saying something so utterly sh*&ty once or twice, ok that can prob slide. Saying is over and over again though and bashing on facebook? No, that doesn't slide.

This is her side of the story, honestly, I don't believe he did and said the things she said to that degree. She is delusional, illogical, and living in the land of fairies and unicorns. She honestly believes she is building a foundation for a healthy happy family, with a guy she knows nothing about. So I'm betting she is attempting to win, as far as the ex goes, she wanted out of that relationship period.

[kailah]

As far as your ex, well lashing out is part of being hurt by someone you had total trust in. What he said was wrong, but reactionary, you yourself said that you've never seen that side of him. Him telling people you cheated isn't abuse, that is also very normal.

 

You did sabotage your relationship, you told your f-buddy you resented dating your ex.

 

Lastly getting pregnant by someone you don't know is one mistake, trying to force a relationship is another. You child will not benefit from a forced relationship that will have its mom chasing the hot guy, and his dad (maybe) feeling trapped being with a woman who guilted him into being there.

 

If his reaction was normal then why did my friends and family say that it wasn't normal, he was an a$$ and to get away from that relationship? If it was normal then why do I not see other people posting on social media that they hope their bf/gf dies and how much of a "promiscuous person" they are? Answer: It's not normal and not okay.

 

I was drunk. Drunk people say dumb stuff all the time. I have a friend who was wasted out of her mind and telling people she was a cat. Does that mean she was really a cat?

 

Did I have doubts about the relationship, yeah. I had been with one man and was about to marry him. I didn't know if I was ready and didn't know if it was a good idea not having other experiences. And I'll admit I was having a lot of doubts/cold feet in the few days leading up to that party because I knew the proposal was coming soon. But I did not go with the intention of ending the relationship.

 

What's with you and calling him "the hot guy"? He is very attractive and the stereotypical guy that women find physically attractive. But it's not like my ex was an ogre. He's just a guy, he's my one night stand, my babies dad, whatever the hell we are now.

 

I'm not forcing him to be with me. I can't force that. Either he wants to or not, he is his own person. And he has been given many times when he could just walk away.

 

Anyone can 'like' a picture and he could very well be doing it to keep you right where he wants you. Read: an easy lay.

 

Not if he was smart. If he makes it too obvious, well... it'll be too obvious.

 

I don't see myself as an "easy lay", I'm not throwing myself at him begging him to have sex with me. Would he really try that hard just for some sex? With someone where if it goes wrong could cause nothing but drama? He's not an ugly guy. He's really attractive, really fit, tall, deep voice, seems confident I don't think he'd have trouble getting women to sleep with him... I'm sure he could find someone else to sleep with. Which I don't like the sound of, but it is what it is.

 

This is her side of the story, honestly, I don't believe he did and said the things she said to that degree. She is delusional, illogical, and living in the land of fairies and unicorns. She honestly believes she is building a foundation for a healthy happy family, with a guy she knows nothing about. So I'm betting she is attempting to win, as far as the ex goes, she wanted out of that relationship period.

 

"She is delusional, illogical, and living in the land of fairies and unicorns." Thanks, but no I am not.

[frus69]

You don't think your an easy lay? Really? You are so easy for him that he doesn't need to respect you at all. You may think I'm harsh but I speak the truth. Pick up your self respect from the toilet when it comes to this guy

[dpass]

I don't see myself as an "easy lay", I'm not throwing myself at him begging him to have sex with me.

 

Maybe you aren't begging him to have bang you, but every time he wants to your pants go flying off.

 

Would he really try that hard just for some sex?

 

He's NOT trying hard. Your on the bed naked before he can even get his pants undone.

 

With someone where if it goes wrong could cause nothing but drama?

 

The whole situation is what makes it easy for him. He knows damn well that you want more and that makes it easy for him to get what he wants.

 

He's not an ugly guy. He's really attractive, really fit, tall, deep voice, seems confident I don't think he'd have trouble getting women to sleep with him... I'm sure he could find someone else to sleep with. Which I don't like the sound of, but it is what it is.

 

Better get use to it, because chances are he IS sleeping with other women. Hope you are using condoms, for sex and oral.

[DKT3]

If his reaction was normal then why did my friends and family say that it wasn't normal, he was an a$$ and to get away from that relationship? If it was normal then why do I not see other people posting on social media that they hope their bf/gf dies and how much of a "promiscuous person" they are? Answer: It's not normal and not okay.

 

I was drunk. Drunk people say dumb stuff all the time. I have a friend who was wasted out of her mind and telling people she was a cat. Does that mean she was really a cat?

 

Did I have doubts about the relationship, yeah. I had been with one man and was about to marry him. I didn't know if I was ready and didn't know if it was a good idea not having other experiences. And I'll admit I was having a lot of doubts/cold feet in the few days leading up to that party because I knew the proposal was coming soon. But I did not go with the intention of ending the relationship.

 

What's with you and calling him "the hot guy"? He is very attractive and the stereotypical guy that women find physically attractive. But it's not like my ex was an ogre. He's just a guy, he's my one night stand, my babies dad, whatever the hell we are now.

 

I'm not forcing him to be with me. I can't force that. Either he wants to or not, he is his own person. And he has been given many times when he could just walk away.

 

 

 

I don't see myself as an "easy lay", I'm not throwing myself at him begging him to have sex with me. Would he really try that hard just for some sex? With someone where if it goes wrong could cause nothing but drama? He's not an ugly guy. He's really attractive, really fit, tall, deep voice, seems confident I don't think he'd have trouble getting women to sleep with him... I'm sure he could find someone else to sleep with. Which I don't like the sound of, but it is what it is.

 

 

 

"She is delusional, illogical, and living in the land of fairies and unicorns." Thanks, but no I am not.

 

I call him the hot guy because you are throwing everything away chasing a guy you know nothing about. Your relationship, your morals, your self respect.

 

And you are throwing yourself at his feet and living in la-la land. Rational people don't continue to chase a person who rejects them, saying my baby deserves a happy family...no your baby deserves loving parents, that doesn't mean forcing a relationship, your goal is pocket fence dog and mini van...problem? You know absolutely NOTHING about this guy. For all you know he could be cooking meth, or robbing banks.

[Space Ritual]

You know absolutely NOTHING about this guy. For all you know he could be cooking meth, or robbing banks.

 

 

Hey now, you might think all of us that have done those things are bad guy. As someone who has done both, I can safely say I'm probably the nicest criminal you'd ever want to meet:)

[kailah]

You can't argue when people call him the hot guy, and then go on to talk about how hot he is. Everyone knows why you hooked up with him at that party, and we know why you keep chasing him now. Your reasons are in bold.

 

You don't really understand how dudes work. Why walk away? Right now, you're a presumably cute girl who will sleep with him whenever he likes. Why walk away? Sure, a good looking guy can find a replacement, but that takes a bit more effort. Easier to keep you around.

 

His looks may have been what led to me hooking up with him, but it's not the reason I'm "chasing him around". Yes, I'm attracted to him. Yes, it's nice having a very attractive guy interested in me for a change. It is NOT the only reason I want him. It is why we have sex probably, we're attracted to each other and the sex is good. It feels better with him than it did with my ex.

 

Because I'm carrying his child. I'm not just going to disappear when he's done using me (if he is). Why would he want to use me, risk me hating him and having a horrible co parent relationship?

 

He's NOT trying hard. Your on the bed naked before he can even get his pants undone.

 

Better get use to it, because chances are he IS sleeping with other women. Hope you are using condoms, for sex and oral.

 

If I want to have sex with him isn't it just as stupid to play games to make him work for it? I want to be close to him. I want him to stay interested.

 

It's hard to say no when the sex with him is substantially better than it was with my ex.

 

He said he doesn't have a girlfriend, that he doesn't usually hook up and he isn't sleeping with anyone else.

 

You don't think your an easy lay? Really? You are so easy for him that he doesn't need to respect you at all. You may think I'm harsh but I speak the truth. Pick up your self respect from the toilet when it comes to this guy

 

I dont want him to just think of me as an easy lay. He said he doesn't. Hes being better now.

 

I call him the hot guy because you are throwing everything away chasing a guy you know nothing about. Your relationship, your morals, your self respect.

 

And you are throwing yourself at his feet and living in la-la land. Rational people don't continue to chase a person who rejects them, saying my baby deserves a happy family...no your baby deserves loving parents, that doesn't mean forcing a relationship, your goal is pocket fence dog and mini van...problem? You know absolutely NOTHING about this guy. For all you know he could be cooking meth, or robbing banks.

 

I know more than "absolutely nothing" about him. We've spent a lot of time talking. I know about his family, hobbies, schooling, work, I've been to his apartment (it's spotless), he doesn't smoke, eats well (he's into supplements, fitness and all that). We go to the same university. He has some weird 'quirks' about him I've noticed. Hes not a total stranger at this point.

[DKT3]

His looks may have been what led to me hooking up with him, but it's not the reason I'm "chasing him around". Yes, I'm attracted to him. Yes, it's nice having a very attractive guy interested in me for a change. It is NOT the only reason I want him. It is why we have sex probably, we're attracted to each other and the sex is good. It feels better with him than it did with my ex.

 

Because I'm carrying his child. I'm not just going to disappear when he's done using me (if he is). Why would he want to use me, risk me hating him and having a horrible co parent relationship?

 

 

 

If I want to have sex with him isn't it just as stupid to play games to make him work for it? I want to be close to him. I want him to stay interested.

 

It's hard to say no when the sex with him is substantially better than it was with my ex.

 

He said he doesn't have a girlfriend, that he doesn't usually hook up and he isn't sleeping with anyone else.

 

 

 

I dont want him to just think of me as an easy lay. He said he doesn't. Hes being better now.

 

 

 

I know more than "absolutely nothing" about him. We've spent a lot of time talking. I know about his family, hobbies, schooling, work, I've been to his apartment (it's spotless), he doesn't smoke, eats well (he's into supplements, fitness and all that). We go to the same university. He has some weird 'quirks' about him I've noticed. Hes not a total stranger at this point.

Well then, you got it all figured out.

[kailah]

Well then, you got it all figured out.

 

I'm doing the best I can right now.

[Timshel]

Kailah....at this point, what is the reason that you are still a part of this guy's sexual life?

If you were not pregnant with his child, would you have ever seen or heard from him again?

 

You are both so young. My piece, as a woman...focus on a healthy child and your education.

 

It seems that you feel you must be romantically involved with this boy in order to justify keeping the child.

 

You made a unilateral decision to give birth to this baby despite the father asking you to abort.

Fair enough, this is not a debate on abortion....let's be perfectly clear. You wanted and did and he did not. You won and whether or not he develops feelings for you...you 'trapped' him.

 

You have enough on your plate with impending motherhood and finishing a degree. Imo, those should be your top priorities and the last thing to think of is whether or not a dude you have coerced into fatherhood wants to love you after the fact.

 

Have a healthy child, take a parenting course, set up child support through the court, finish a degree and take a break from worrying over who you luv or who does not luv you.

 

It is about to get real Kailah. Take responsibility for your choices now.

[ExpatInItaly]

Kailah....at this point, what is the reason that you are still a part of this guy's sexual life?

If you were not pregnant with his child, would you have ever seen or heard from him again?

 

You are both so young. My piece, as a woman...focus on a healthy child and your education.

 

It seems that you feel you must be romantically involved with this boy in order to justify keeping the child.

 

You made a unilateral decision to give birth to this baby despite the father asking you to abort.

Fair enough, this is not a debate on abortion....let's be perfectly clear. You wanted and did and he did not. You won and whether or not he develops feelings for you...you 'trapped' him.

 

You have enough on your plate with impending motherhood and finishing a degree. Imo, those should be your top priorities and the last thing to think of is whether or not a dude you have coerced into fatherhood wants to love you after the fact.

 

Have a healthy child, take a parenting course, set up child support through the court, finish a degree and take a break from worrying over who you luv or who does not luv you.

 

It is about to get real Kailah. Take responsibility for your choices now.

 

I absolutely agree.

 

You're worrying way too much about whether this guy sees you as more than a booty call, OP.

[kailah]

Kailah....at this point, what is the reason that you are still a part of this guy's sexual life?

If you were not pregnant with his child, would you have ever seen or heard from him again?

 

The sex is good. I like spending time with him and sometimes, not always, it leads to sex. I feel like it keeps him interested in me and maybe he'll stickaround long enough to get to know me and want to be in our lives, to whatever degree. Mostly because it just happens and it feels good. Hes way different sexually than my ex was. He takes the time to make me enjoy it and is just better at it.

 

Honestly, probably not no I wouldn't see him again. I don't know if my ex and I still would have broken up - probably. Not only because of the cheating but because of the underlying issues I had.

 

I dont know how I would have reacted if I wasn't pregnant. Immediately after I did it, I was embarrassed, and horrified, and didn't want to see him again. He didn't want anything else to do with me until I told him I was pregnant. When I tried contacting him he though I wanted another hook up and said he wasn't interested. So no, we probably wouldn'thave ever seen each other again.

 

You are both so young. My piece, as a woman...focus on a healthy child and your education.

 

It seems that you feel you must be romantically involved with this boy in order to justify keeping the child.

 

I don't justify keeping my baby by being with him. I chose life for my child because I wanted him/her, I can care for him/her, my family will support me when I need it, and I don't agree with abortion for myself. I made the decision knowing he probably won't be involved and told him he didn't have to be involved. Originally, he took that out and said he wanted to be nothing more than a monthly check.

 

This pregnancy and baby are my top priority. I'm staying healthy and doing everything I'm supposed to. I'm working on school and still doing well.

 

You made a unilateral decision to give birth to this baby despite the father asking you to abort.

Fair enough, this is not a debate on abortion....let's be perfectly clear. You wanted and did and he did not. You won and whether or not he develops feelings for you...you 'trapped' him.

 

You have enough on your plate with impending motherhood and finishing a degree. Imo, those should be your top priorities and the last thing to think of is whether or not a dude you have coerced into fatherhood wants to love you after the fact.

 

I made the choice to have my baby. He made the choice to have sex with me twice and not use condoms. I didn't get pregnantby myself. I dont see it as winning. He knew the risk and he took it.

 

So I should abort because that's what he wants? Then he "wins"?

 

I didn't do this to trap him. I told him he didnt have to be involved at all, even financially. I didn't trap him... I don't want to be seen as the girl who trapped him.

 

Just because abortion is legal doesn't mean it's the right choice or a choice I can make and live with. I didn't make that choice to trap him or force him into fatherhood anymore than he planned to force me into motherhood.

 

Thinking that I trapped him or forced him into this makes me feel like sh*t and hurts. So I should just totally walk away even if he wants to try, because I forced it and don't deserve him? I've heard it before. Or I should book an abortion because that's what he wants?

[Timshel]

Honest answers, thank you.

It was a poor choice of word to use 'won.' I think you know what I meant though. He said no, you said too bad.

 

Your personal/religious view on abortion is your own and no....you did not get pregnant on your own. It was a drunken night whilst cheating on and avoiding issues with your ex boyfriend/fiance.

These are passe' discussions now and I fullheartedly agree, highly personal.

 

The message that I would want you to not overlook at this point.....enough drama about boys. For the time being, if you want this guy to get to know you better then...talk. That you seem to think falling into sex with him is somehow beyond your control, with all that has occurred, is rather silly.

 

You are becoming a mother and it is actually somewhat understandable that you would seek connection with the father.

 

If you were to step back and be more pragmatic, it would be good practice for your upcoming life circumstances...as well as give you a much needed break from dysfunctional romantic relationships.

 

I wish you and baby well Kailah.

[dpass]

It's hard to say no when the sex with him is substantially better than it was with my ex.

 

He said he doesn't have a girlfriend, that he doesn't usually hook up and he isn't sleeping with anyone else.

 

The sex is good. Hes way different sexually than my ex was. He takes the time to make me enjoy it and is just better at it.

 

Ok. You're what 22? A guy his age (early twenties) isn't going to be amazing at sex unless he's had a lot of experience. At that age he wouldn't have had a lot of legit relationships so yes, most likely he does sleep around a lot. Unless your ex was just terrible in bed, it's unlikely your baby daddy is a goody two shoes.

 

He had a ONS with you. Just because YOU hadn't done one before doesn't mean he was in the same boat. I cannot tell you how many people I've heard say "they don't sleep around" when in fact they sleep with a new person every week.

 

Thinking that I trapped him or forced him into this makes me feel like sh*t and hurts. So I should just totally walk away even if he wants to try, because I forced it and don't deserve him? I've heard it before. Or I should book an abortion because that's what he wants?

 

You are probably going to feel like that for the rest of your life. Reality is, you DID force him into being a father. Sure you can tell him that he can walk away, not pay a dime, no questions asked. In reality, he can't. First, most decent people cannot walk away from their own blood. Second, if he did walk away and people knew he'd be seen as a complete a** and deadbeat.

 

The women has the final say, that's how natural works. I do think, however, that you should have put more thought into what he wanted and the situation. You are two college students, who don't really know each other and do not have careers yet. He did not, and probably still does not, want this child.

 

This is how I see it. If the man and woman do not agree I think abortion is the correct choice. This isn't like winning the battle on whether you eat Chinese or Italian. This is a human life. You can't force a life changing decision onto someone and you can't force a child into that life.

 

It's still an option, as is adoption. Adoption is a great choice for someone who is in no place to raise a child, but doesn't agree with abortion.

[kgcolonel]

Kailah

 

I've been following your plight from the beginning....if you hadn't stated your age, it would have been obvious in your words and choices.

 

Frankly, it is just mean to compare your BETRAYED EX to your baby daddy. No other word but mean.

 

Secondly, you're sleeping with the BD for you. You really are ready to believe him that he is not hooking up with others???? I hope you two are using protection, not from preg but from STD's,,,,,,we can no longer assume you're making mature choices in protecting your child

 

At every turn, those here, with much more life experience have tried to provide you with some helpful advice but you refute this help and at 22, know better than anyone else.....good luck and as we say in the south....Bless your heart.

[kailah]

The message that I would want you to not overlook at this point.....enough drama about boys. For the time being, if you want this guy to get to know you better then...talk. That you seem to think falling into sex with him is somehow beyond your control, with all that has occurred, is rather silly.

 

You are becoming a mother and it is actually somewhat understandable that you would seek connection with the father.

 

I want to try and just talk and hang out, no sex. We dont have sex every time, like 1/4 of the time. It's just hard not to when we both want to.

 

No one seems to understand that i just feel drawn to having a connection with him. Not even my family. They want me to have no contact with him at all and think he's a huge piece of s***.

 

Ok. You're what 22? A guy his age (early twenties) isn't going to be amazing at sex unless he's had a lot of experience. At that age he wouldn't have had a lot of legit relationships so yes, most likely he does sleep around a lot. Unless your ex was just terrible in bed, it's unlikely your baby daddy is a goody two shoes.

 

This is how I see it. If the man and woman do not agree I think abortion is the correct choice. This isn't like winning the battle on whether you eat Chinese or Italian. This is a human life. You can't force a life changing decision onto someone and you can't force a child into that life.

 

It's still an option, as is adoption. Adoption is a great choice for someone who is in no place to raise a child, but doesn't agree with abortion.

 

All I have to go on is what he tells me. I don't know if he's slept with 3 people or 300. Had 1 one night stand or 100. All i know is what he's told me. Which is that he doesn't usually have one night stands, isnt sleeping with anyone else and doesn't have a girlfriend. He says he doesn't have time.

 

So what, I'm supposed to start changing my mind and flip flopping? How am I supposed to know what the right choice is? I cant...

 

Kailah

 

I've been following your plight from the beginning....if you hadn't stated your age, it would have been obvious in your words and choices.

 

Frankly, it is just mean to compare your BETRAYED EX to your baby daddy. No other word but mean.

 

Secondly, you're sleeping with the BD for you. You really are ready to believe him that he is not hooking up with others???? I hope you two are using protection, not from preg but from STD's,,,,,,we can no longer assume you're making mature choices in protecting your child

 

At every turn, those here, with much more life experience have tried to provide you with some helpful advice but you refute this help and at 22, know better than anyone else.....good luck and as we say in the south....Bless your heart.

 

Sorry for acting my age?

 

I have never said to anyone else other than the people here that the other guy is better in bed. I would never tell my ex that, or anyone else in my life. It's just a fact. I went from having poor-mediocre sex to great sex. Normal people want good sex.

 

Like I have said, all i have to go on is what he tells me.

 

And for the record condoms are used every time. It's not a risk I'm willing to take, pregnant or not. I'm not that stupid.

[Timshel]

I want to try and just talk and hang out, no sex. We dont have sex every time, like 1/4 of the time. It's just hard not to when we both want to.

 

No one seems to understand that i just feel drawn to having a connection with him. Not even my family. They want me to have no contact with him at all and think he's a huge piece of s***.

 

I understand the draw, you are pregnant with his child.

 

As far as your family thinking he's 'a huge piece of sh***'....they should try to overcome that mindset since he will be the father of their grandchild.

 

Do not paint him with a 'horrible guy' brush since you know full well that you are equally responsible for your pregnancy. He is going to be around for a long while and it is a disservice to him and your child to make him into the bad guy to your family.

 

You should be talking him up to at this point, especially since you continue to have sex with him and will be co parenting with him for the rest of your lives.

 

The fact that neither of you is ready by any stretch of the imagination to be parents is a mute point. I do hope that you have the full support of your family as you will need it. Stay in education and do prepare for the life you are bringing into the world.

 

There isn't anything else to say Kailah.

[mrs rubble]

The sex is good. I like spending time with him and sometimes, not always, it leads to sex. I feel like it keeps him interested in me and maybe he'll stickaround long enough to get to know me and want to be in our lives, to whatever degree. Mostly because it just happens and it feels good. Hes way different sexually than my ex was. He takes the time to make me enjoy it and is just better at it.

 

Honestly, probably not no I wouldn't see him again. I don't know if my ex and I still would have broken up - probably. Not only because of the cheating but because of the underlying issues I had.

 

I dont know how I would have reacted if I wasn't pregnant. Immediately after I did it, I was embarrassed, and horrified, and didn't want to see him again. He didn't want anything else to do with me until I told him I was pregnant. When I tried contacting him he though I wanted another hook up and said he wasn't interested. So no, we probably wouldn'thave ever seen each other again.

 

 

 

I don't justify keeping my baby by being with him. I chose life for my child because I wanted him/her, I can care for him/her, my family will support me when I need it, and I don't agree with abortion for myself. I made the decision knowing he probably won't be involved and told him he didn't have to be involved. Originally, he took that out and said he wanted to be nothing more than a monthly check.

 

This pregnancy and baby are my top priority. I'm staying healthy and doing everything I'm supposed to. I'm working on school and still doing well.

 

 

 

I made the choice to have my baby. He made the choice to have sex with me twice and not use condoms. I didn't get pregnantby myself. I dont see it as winning. He knew the risk and he took it.

 

So I should abort because that's what he wants? Then he "wins"?

 

I didn't do this to trap him. I told him he didnt have to be involved at all, even financially. I didn't trap him... I don't want to be seen as the girl who trapped him.

 

Just because abortion is legal doesn't mean it's the right choice or a choice I can make and live with. I didn't make that choice to trap him or force him into fatherhood anymore than he planned to force me into motherhood.

 

Thinking that I trapped him or forced him into this makes me feel like sh*t and hurts. So I should just totally walk away even if he wants to try, because I forced it and don't deserve him? I've heard it before. Or I should book an abortion because that's what he wants?

 

I have raised a child the father didn't want and he has reminded me for the last 23 years how I "trapped" him. He begged me to have an abortion and so did my mother, I refused because at 21years old I knew it all too and didn't believe in abortion either.

It's a tough, rough lonely road being a solo parent- and you will be, the dad doesn't want the child, he isn't going to be there to help you out. Count on that. I had minimal qualifications when my son was born and I've been able to support us (just), it's a struggle though.

 

Other men without children generally aren't interested in aquiring themselves a ready made family, so expect to be rejected by them in the future....blending families in reality is nothing at all like the Brady Bunch it can be an absolute nightmare.

 

Expect to be lonely, broke and exhausted. That is the reality of single motherhood. I don't think for a minute you're going to get any decent help from the father, he has already been brutally honest in saying that he doesn't want to be a dad- believe him.

 

If I could make my decision all over again, I probably would've terminated my pregnancy and waited until I found a partner that DID want children.(although I will never tell my son that)

[kailah]

As far as your family thinking he's 'a huge piece of sh***'....they should try to overcome that mindset since he will be the father of their grandchild.

 

I have been trying to get them to change their mind. My brother sees him as the guy that took advantage (his opinion) of his little sister and knocked her up. My dad sees him as the guy that got his baby wasted at a party, didn't respect her enough to use protection and now ruined my life. Neither are accurate opinions. They aren't horrible people. I think if they meet him and get to know him and see him be good to be they'd change their opinions.

 

 

I have raised a child the father didn't want and he has reminded me for the last 23 years how I "trapped" him.

 

If I could make my decision all over again, I probably would've terminated my pregnancy and waited until I found a partner that DID want children.(although I will never tell my son that)

 

That's what scares me. 1. I don't want to regret my decision down the line and 2. I don't want the babies dad to hate me for the rest of his life. I hate thinking of myself as the girl who trapped him. I've always thought poorly of women who do purposely trap men and even though I didn't it's like I get put into the same category.

 

He says he's going to be around but I know he might not. I don't want him to come in and out of my babies life. I know it will be really hard, and even though I think I know how hard it will be I won't really know until I experience it.

 

At this point, I don't care that I'll be "off the market". I don't even want to think about dating or other guys. The only interest I have is with him, because he's the father, and if he was out of the picture I still wouldn't care. I don't have time to care, or energy to care. I don't want men coming and going from my babies life.

 

But I really don't know if I'm making the right choice keeping this baby. I know I could never give it away. I wouldn't be able to do it. I don't think I could live with myself if I had an abortion. Especially now. I've been planning for this baby, trying to prepare, thinking of names, I'm 13 weeks and they have to cut it up at that stage, everyone knows I'm pregnant so they'd all know I aborted.

 

Life would be easier. The babies dad would disappear and life would go on.

Edited July 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
refrenced deleted post ~T

[DKT3]

Hmm no you don't value your families opinions, seemed to matter alot in the case if the ex...

 

You are so naive, and again living a fantasy. You are seriously try to make a instant family with a guy you've known for a matter if weeks and telling anyone who objects they are wrong and you are right. Compounding mistakes, instead of focusing on the first one.

[kailah]

Hmm no you don't value your families opinions, seemed to matter alot in the case if the ex...

 

You are so naive, and again living a fantasy. You are seriously try to make a instant family with a guy you've known for a matter if weeks and telling anyone who objects they are wrong and you are right. Compounding mistakes, instead of focusing on the first one.

 

How do I not value my families opinions? They are judging him based on the fact that he got me pregnant and the information I gave them in the beginning. A lot of what I've said here, they haven't heard. I try to keep it positive because I want them to like him, if for anyone's sake, the babies.

 

I am naive, I'll admit that. But I'm not trying to make an instant family with my child's father. I'm not hoping for a white picket fence, mini van and a dog. I'm not expecting him AT ALL to get down on one knee. If he did propose right now I wouldn't be jumping for joy and calling a shot gun wedding... I'd say no. I just want to see if we can be anything. That's it. That's normal... he's my babies dad, I'm carrying his child. Nature and hormones make me feel close to him and want to bond. I'm not trying to get married and expecting to live happily ever after. I may be naive, but I'm not stupid.

[redbaron007]

...The sex is good. I like spending time with him and sometimes, not always, it leads to sex. I feel like it keeps him interested in me and maybe he'll stickaround long enough to get to know me and want to be in our lives, to whatever degree.

 

Enjoying sex by itself is fine, as I stated in my earlier post, but now it appears you are using sex as a bait/incentive to keep him around. That is not cool.

 

... But I'm not trying to make an instant family with my child's father. I'm not hoping for a white picket fence, mini van and a dog. I'm not expecting him AT ALL to get down on one knee. If he did propose right now I wouldn't be jumping for joy and calling a shot gun wedding... I'd say no..

 

So you use sex to keep him around but will turn down a (hypothetical) marriage proposal to your baby's father? What exactly is the type of relationship you want?

 

It appears you want a FWB relationship only with your baby-daddy. If so, that's cool, maybe you should tell this to your baby-daddy so it will even take some pressure off him...right now, he probably fears that you want to get hitched to him.