Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[mrs rubble]

I have been trying to get them to change their mind. My brother sees him as the guy that took advantage (his opinion) of his little sister and knocked her up. My dad sees him as the guy that got his baby wasted at a party, didn't respect her enough to use protection and now ruined my life. Neither are accurate opinions. They aren't horrible people. I think if they meet him and get to know him and see him be good to be they'd change their opinions.

 

 

 

Obviously I'm not confident in what I'm doing and I don't know what is the right or wrong choice. I can't see into the future, I wish I could. I'm scared to ruin something and make life hell. People have differing opinions, there were people here who said don't even tell him that I'm pregnant. A part of me feels like people here just don't get where I'm coming from or what I'm trying to explain. Or maybe I just don't get it.

 

 

 

That's what scares me. 1. I don't want to regret my decision down the line and 2. I don't want the babies dad to hate me for the rest of his life. I hate thinking of myself as the girl who trapped him. I've always thought poorly of women who do purposely trap men and even though I didn't it's like I get put into the same category.

 

He says he's going to be around but I know he might not. I don't want him to come in and out of my babies life. I know it will be really hard, and even though I think I know how hard it will be I won't really know until I experience it.

 

At this point, I don't care that I'll be "off the market". I don't even want to think about dating or other guys. The only interest I have is with him, because he's the father, and if he was out of the picture I still wouldn't care. I don't have time to care, or energy to care. I don't want men coming and going from my babies life.

 

But I really don't know if I'm making the right choice keeping this baby. I know I could never give it away. I wouldn't be able to do it. I don't think I could live with myself if I had an abortion. Especially now. I've been planning for this baby, trying to prepare, thinking of names, I'm 13 weeks and they have to cut it up at that stage, everyone knows I'm pregnant so they'd all know I aborted.

 

Life would be easier. The babies dad would disappear and life would go on.

 

I wish you the very best of luck, you're going to need to be strong.

The best advice I can give you is to set yourself up as best as you can, education wise, budgeting and planning for your future investing in a good career, income and property.

Don't be afraid to ask for help from people you trust and respect, they're the best influence on what is right for you.

Join community groups or participate in community activities- meeting people in similar situations keeps you connected with friends who can be very helpful to you.

Don't count on this man (babies father) for anything.

Prepare for you and baby.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, the probability of this guy deciding he wants a relationship with you is very low. Using sex to try to keep him interested isn't going to work if he doesn't feel any bigger connection to you - and based on his actions thus far, he doesn't.

 

As the others have said, plan on being a single mother. That is the far more likely scenario here. The baby's father might contribute and hopefully will play some role in his/her life, but that will probably be the extent of it.

 

I think reality hasn't him, yet. You're very early into your pregnancy so he hasn't really acknowledged what that will entail. Once you start showing, and reality hits him over the head that he really is going to be a father, he isn't likely to come around that much. I say that because he was clear he didn't want to be a dad in the first place. I have a bad feeling that while you are dealing with the later stages of pregnancy, he will be off at parties, bars, meeting girls - all the things typical of a guy in his early 20s. He might be willing to be a dad, but willing to give up all of that and settle down with you? Very unlikely. Not at this point in his life and under these circumstances.

 

Just prepare yourself for what's probably coming.

[kailah]

Enjoying sex by itself is fine, as I stated in my earlier post, but now it appears you are using sex as a bait/incentive to keep him around. That is not cool.

 

So you use sex to keep him around but will turn down a (hypothetical) marriage proposal to your baby's father? What exactly is the type of relationship you want?

 

It appears you want a FWB relationship only with your baby-daddy. If so, that's cool, maybe you should tell this to your baby-daddy so it will even take some pressure off him...right now, he probably fears that you want to get hitched to him.

 

I just want to get to know him. If something is there romantically and it can work out then great. Just because I'd like a connection with him doesn't mean I'd jump and marry him. I want to be with him because I genuinely want to, not just because we're having a baby together because that will never work. I want him to want to be with me, because he wants to not because he feels trapped. You know? If we get to know each other and there is nothing there, then ok, at least we go to know each other better. Yes, I'd love it if we got to know each other and there was a romantic connection and everything worked out and we could be happy together. But I know that's not very realistic.

 

After he got the proof that he is the dad he said he could see us trying to be together but wanted to go slow and not rush it and that it scared him because it's such a big change. That's kind of what I'm holding on to.

 

He asked me to go out with him tonight to a big exhibition our city has, in his words, as a real date. It does make me nervous because I feel like if I mess it up I'm messing it up for my child. I don't want it to be a pity date. But we'll see.

 

OP, the probability of this guy deciding he wants a relationship with you is very low. Using sex to try to keep him interested isn't going to work if he doesn't feel any bigger connection to you - and based on his actions thus far, he doesn't.

 

As the others have said, plan on being a single mother. That is the far more likely scenario here. The baby's father might contribute and hopefully will play some role in his/her life, but that will probably be the extent of it.

 

Just prepare yourself for what's probably coming.

 

I know, if he is just going to try because he feels obligated or is doing it out of pity it will never work. Even if he did end up liking me I wonder if I'd always wonder if he actually wanted to be with me. I don't want to ruin his life or trap him. I feel like total **** that I basically am.

 

I have hope that he'll be around, but I don't expect it...

[redbaron007]

...

I know, if he is just going to try because he feels obligated or is doing it out of pity it will never work. Even if he did end up liking me I wonder if I'd always wonder if he actually wanted to be with me. I don't want to ruin his life or trap him. I feel like total **** that I basically am.

 

I have hope that he'll be around, but I don't expect it...

 

Your baby-daddy's key question is: Had Kailah been not pregnant with my baby, would I want to be with her long-term?

 

If the answer is YES:

- he will stick around not just to co-parent but as a long-term romantic partner. So far I don't see any signs of this being true.

 

If the answer is NO (meaning he is sticking around only because you're pregnant):

- he may stick around to co-parent, even in a FWB role, but sooner or later he will start seeing other free, unencumbered young women, or

- he may stick around as full-time romantic partner, but since the answer is NO, he will either start feeling trapped from the get go, or feel trapped years from now.

[kailah]

Because I just need to get my thoughts out of my head...

 

I'm almost 20 weeks pregnant and just really stressed out about what is going on in my life. My "baby daddy" (ONS with a stranger at a party) has done a total 180 since telling him I was pregnant. He went from wanting nothing to do with me to wanting to be in mine and the babies life and try a relationship. We see each other regularly and go on dates. We're not a couple, in his words we're "seeing how it goes". When we're out together we act like a couple. We have sex, but he never says I'm sexy or any other compliments like that anymore. He use to. Now he says how unattractive pregnant bodies are, and I'm still small. If we see a very pregnant woman while we're out he will make a comment about it, like how unnatural or alien-like it looks. Every time I want to eat something he asks if I really need that and that I'm not going to be one of the women who let themselves go during pregnancy. If I ask him to get something that I'm craving or whatever, it's a straight up "no, you're not eating that" regardless of the nutritional value. Now I feel bad eating anything.

 

A couple nights ago he was tagged in a bunch of facebook pictures by a girl he's friends with. They were at a club and dancing and kissing. The night those photos were taken he didn't answer a text I sent (about an upcoming event) until the next day. Based on everything I'm pretty sure he slept with her. I went to that girls facebook profile and she had a post right before that said "What's with women these days getting knocked up to try and secure a man? You can't trick a good man into wanting you. Good men want good women, not sluts who steal the first man she tricks." AND he liked it. I don't know if it was or not, but I feel like it was directed at me.

 

I haven't mentioned anything to him because I don't know where my place is. We aren't an official couple but we are seeing if there is anything there or if it can work. He can't try and make things work with me while he's out getting the "greener grass". We use protection every time, but I don't like him risking mine and our babies healthy like that.

 

Because life can never be easy, my ex has been a bit confusing lately. We broke up, I took my stuff, we had a conversation like "I love you but can't be with you [because I cheated]. I'll always have feelings for you, maybe in the future we can try. Please don't be with the babies father, he doesn't deserve you". He has been texting me a little bit saying that he misses me but doesn't want to be with me. Asking if I'm with the babies father and not to be. Asking if I'm keeping the baby or placing for adoption. I'm trying to ignore it or not let the conversations go on but it's hard. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. He keeps asking me to go see him. I don't want to cheat again.

 

It's like I'm stuck between two guys, neither of which want to be with me but have feelings or emotions regardless. I just want to run away from it all.

[DKT3]

Because I just need to get my thoughts out of my head...

 

I'm almost 20 weeks pregnant and just really stressed out about what is going on in my life. My "baby daddy" (ONS with a stranger at a party) has done a total 180 since telling him I was pregnant. He went from wanting nothing to do with me to wanting to be in mine and the babies life and try a relationship. We see each other regularly and go on dates. We're not a couple, in his words we're "seeing how it goes". When we're out together we act like a couple. We have sex, but he never says I'm sexy or any other compliments like that anymore. He use to. Now he says how unattractive pregnant bodies are, and I'm still small. If we see a very pregnant woman while we're out he will make a comment about it, like how unnatural or alien-like it looks. Every time I want to eat something he asks if I really need that and that I'm not going to be one of the women who let themselves go during pregnancy. If I ask him to get something that I'm craving or whatever, it's a straight up "no, you're not eating that" regardless of the nutritional value. Now I feel bad eating anything.

 

A couple nights ago he was tagged in a bunch of facebook pictures by a girl he's friends with. They were at a club and dancing and kissing. The night those photos were taken he didn't answer a text I sent (about an upcoming event) until the next day. Based on everything I'm pretty sure he slept with her. I went to that girls facebook profile and she had a post right before that said "What's with women these days getting knocked up to try and secure a man? You can't trick a good man into wanting you. Good men want good women, not sluts who steal the first man she tricks." AND he liked it. I don't know if it was or not, but I feel like it was directed at me.

 

I haven't mentioned anything to him because I don't know where my place is. We aren't an official couple but we are seeing if there is anything there or if it can work. He can't try and make things work with me while he's out getting the "greener grass". We use protection every time, but I don't like him risking mine and our babies healthy like that.

 

Because life can never be easy, my ex has been a bit confusing lately. We broke up, I took my stuff, we had a conversation like "I love you but can't be with you [because I cheated]. I'll always have feelings for you, maybe in the future we can try. Please don't be with the babies father, he doesn't deserve you". He has been texting me a little bit saying that he misses me but doesn't want to be with me. Asking if I'm with the babies father and not to be. Asking if I'm keeping the baby or placing for adoption. I'm trying to ignore it or not let the conversations go on but it's hard. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. He keeps asking me to go see him. I don't want to cheat again.

 

It's like I'm stuck between two guys, neither of which want to be with me but have feelings or emotions regardless. I just want to run away from it all.

 

Sorry but its a result of your continued poor choices and lack of boundaries. This guy that knocked you up is a total jackazz yet to keep pushing to have a relationship, in a fair world one would say turn about is fair play.

 

Here is the problem, you simply don't get it. It being how to behave like a reasonable responsible adult. Your focus should be this child, but its on the guy you threw away for the guy already cheating on you. Is this what you want to bring your child Into the world with.

 

Time to put on your bug lady pants place your feet firmly on terra firma and focus on giving this child the best start you possibly can.

[doyathinkso]

Let me help make things simpler for you.

 

Baby-Daddy has NO feelings for you. Well, no good feelings that is.

 

Stop listening to what people say and start to watch what they do.

[kailah]

Sorry but its a result of your continued poor choices and lack of boundaries. This guy that knocked you up is a total jackazz yet to keep pushing to have a relationship, in a fair world one would say turn about is fair play.

 

Here is the problem, you simply don't get it. It being how to behave like a reasonable responsible adult. Your focus should be this child, but its on the guy you threw away for the guy already cheating on you. Is this what you want to bring your child Into the world with.

 

Time to put on your bug lady pants place your feet firmly on terra firma and focus on giving this child the best start you possibly can.

 

Trust me, I'm trying to focus on this baby. If I were just thibking of myself and being selfish I would be all over my ex right now trying to make it work. I think. I'm trying to keep that door closed and be amicable with my babies dad.

 

Whether I chose to keep my baby or place for adoption, I want to be the best I can. I feel like I'm too deep in.

 

Let me help make things simpler for you.

 

Baby-Daddy has NO feelings for you. Well, no good feelings that is.

 

Stop listening to what people say and start to watch what they do.

 

I know. Now I'm stuck in, what the F do I do now. I pushed for a relationship and now he's semi-on board. He says he's on-board but his actions show otherwise.

 

I've asked him to discuss adoption with me, but he won't. He says only druggies give their kids away to the system. And an important bit... That no girl would want him if he ditched his kid. Showing he doesn't see a future with me.

[h0000]

Trust me, I'm trying to focus on this baby. If I were just thibking of myself and being selfish I would be all over my ex right now trying to make it work. I think. I'm trying to keep that door closed and be amicable with my babies dad.

 

 

Are you lying? You told us before how you have feelings for you babe daddy. So that's why you are pushing a relationship with him and not your ex. It's not for the babe, it's for yourself rather. You kept saying you do this because you want your babe to have a dad, but no..you do this because you want him.

If you were focusing on the babe you wouldn't be seeing any of them right now.

So yeah, you shouldn't be seeing any of them right now.

[doyathinkso]

Kailah, if you are intent on giving the baby up for adoption (in my opinion your best move) then WHY WHY WHY do you have to be 'amicable' with that predatory dipstick that knocked you up when you were too drunk to fend off his advances???

 

Get your life back.

 

You metaphorically kicked your ex-fiance right square in the nuts then bolt when he says some unfortunately vile things in his rage and pain .... but now he misses you and would like to try and court you again.

 

Girl, so few people in life get a chance like this. Don't screw this up too, please.

 

1) Talk to an adoption agency so some nice but sterile couple have a chance to welcome this child into a loving family.

 

2) Tell Baby-Daddy to go f*ck his right hand next time instead of taking advantage of another poor girl.

 

3) Call, not text, but call your ex and ask him to meet for coffee. At the meeting let him know what you've just done.

 

4) Cross your fingers and hope for the best.

[h0000]

Kailah, if you are intent on giving the baby up for adoption (in my opinion your best move) then WHY WHY WHY do you have to be 'amicable' with that predatory dipstick that knocked you up when you were too drunk to fend off his advances???

 

t.

 

Because she wants him. Don't you see? It's not all about the babe. It's about herself. She won't give the babe for adoption. Some part of her do want to get him with this babe. She wants a family with him. No matter she likes to admit it or not.

It's pretty clear now because after all these months all these posts despite everyone here telling her to walk away, she sticks with him. And keeps telling us "it's for the babe. It's for the babe"

Edited September 13, 2016 by h0000

[RecentChange]

Your baby daddy doesn't care for you, and sounds like a controlling abusive D bag.

 

How low are you going to allow him to kick yourself esteem to?

 

When he says you can't eat something, what do you do? Tell him he can't control you, or do you "obey" him?

 

Do you understand he treats you the way you ALLOW HIM TO TREAT YOU?

 

Do you want him to treat your child this way? With animosity? Do you want to teach your child how to have a low self-esteem and let other people control and abuse you? Because that is what the child would learn if they grow up under this "relationship".

 

I too think adoption is a good option, and I don't care of about the SELFISH closed minded reasons baby daddy has.

 

He doesn't want adoption because other women wouldn't want him!?! Jesus cristo, how selfish can he get!?

 

The only valid reason to be opposed to adoption would be because he WANTS to raise his child! Not because of what other women would think.

 

Are you in counseling? You really need some guidance, it seems like you can't see the forest from the trees.

[kailah]

No... You're wrong. I'm leaning towards adoption because of him. If I could have q family with anyone, it would be my ex.

 

When I started having feelings for my babies dad I was very emotional and hormonal. Now, as everything sinks in and settled down, and I spend more time with him, I wouldn't choose him to be the father of my baby. But I did. It doesn't matter how attractive he is or how good the sex is, at the end of the day he doesn't treat me how I want to be treated. And maybe I deserve that.

 

I'm human. I want my baby to have a family. In a perfect world that would be me and a dad. But we don't live in a perfect world. And maybe it's not meant to be in my family.

 

I know that I could do it by myself, but that doesn't mean I'm the right person for the job. I want my baby to have the best life, not an okay life.

 

I don't know how to explain it but I don't feel like this baby is mine. Like it was never meant to be mine.

 

The more I get to know him the more I realize I don't know him. At the end of the day, I wouldn't pick him to be the father. To me that says I should be finding more suitable parents.

 

I want this baby and to raise this baby. I know I could do it. But I want more for it.

 

If I were to keep it I don't want to bring more drama into my life by allowing my ex back in. I also dont want to do anything with him until I know what I am choosing for my baby. I doubt he would want to be with me if i keep it.

 

To be perfectly honest a part of me wants to shut them both out totally. Tell my babies father I will contact him if something comes up with the pregnancy or I'm in labor. I feel selfish doing that. Like I'm stripping him of the experience of pregnancy. My ex... I haven't totally shut him out for selfish reasons.

 

I can't choose adoption with the father's consent. If he says no, then either I give up parental rights to him or co parent. I couldn't give up the rights to him, that could be a disaster. If he changed his mind after the birth I don't think I could do it at that point.

 

My babies dad lied about when we hooked up the first time. A few days ago he said that I was a lot more drunk than he was, that he knew what was going on and how wasted I was and I shouldnt be letting myself get so drunk with strangers. He knew he didn't use condoms. That was a turning point.

 

I think my ex deserves better than me and what I did to him. I want to run back to the familiarity of him, but I know I don't deserve that.

 

My babies dad... I know he treats me how I allow him to treat me. I guess I think it's what I deserve. I don't want that for my baby. It deserves better than that. Than him. Than me...

 

I am in counseling and I am all over the place with that. What holds me back from adoption is how hard it will be because I do want it, and that I need the father's consent. I know I made a series of mistakes and I don't trust myself not to make them now.

[RecentChange]

Wow - he admits you were too drunk, he admits to taking advantage of you, and he admits to knowingly not using condoms.

 

I hate to bring the rape debate back up...

 

Boy if I were in your shoes - I would be worried that my dad would be going to jail soon because he would try to KILL HIM.

 

Please cut contact with this guy. He is a grade A bung hole. He will continue to use and abuse you. He doesn't "deserve to experience pregnancy" he already told you what he thinks about pregnancy, that it's disgusting - and that you will be disgusting once you get close to giving birth to his child.

 

Do you really think he would object to adoption? Do you really think he wants to be saddled with soiled diapers, YOU and a baby, which from the start he said he didn't want?

 

He found a drunk girl at a party and F'ed her without a condom. You really think he deserves ANY consideration?

[Space Ritual]

Kaliah, you are experiencing firsthand what young guys who really have no intention of being a father do,and that is to escape.

 

It was all well and good until the reality set in for him, now he'll continue to make those remarks because you being pregnant is cramping his style. Of course he is going to go out and bang other girls. He is doing anything he can to divorce himself from reality.

 

You might as well get used to it. This is your life with him at least up until the baby is born. Do not be surprised as the time nears that he becomes more distant. Yeah it sucks but it is what it is. Nothing more, nothing less.

[kailah]

So either he's an a**hole or he doesn't want to be involved and is trying to cut himself out of my life. Which in turn, also makes him an a**hole.

 

My family doesn't know the majority about what has been going on. They basically know that I had sex with someone, got pregnant and we're trying to see if a relationship would work. My dad thinks he is a giant POS because "he got me pregnant", even without knowing really any of the details. He would lose it if he knew the details.

 

I don't know if my babies dad said that (that I was more drunk, he knew, etc) because it was the truth or because he was being an a**hole. If he's trying to push me away, it did the trick. He said it while he was mad.

 

The comments he says about pregnancy be gross and pregnant women looking disgusting really hurt. He doesn't directly say it about me but he also doesn't compliment me anymore, and I'm still quite small. I'll never fully be able to enjoy this pregnancy, but he's making it even harder. My ex complimented me on being pregnant and looking good, but my babies dad thinks I look like a fat alien. It will just get worse the bigger I get.

 

I just started being able to feel and see the baby move from the outside. Only a few times so far. Twice I was with him and tried to show him but he wouldn't have any part of it. He said it was gross, didn't want to look and didn't want to touch. I thought the more we got to know each other the better it would get, but it just keeps getting worse.

 

I honestly want to cut contact with him. But I feel like he's stuck in my life now. I never should have told him that I was pregnant. Every time I try and talk about adoption to him or show him the portfolio of families that I have he won't have any of it. He will totally shut it down/walk out, say he isn't giving his kid away or that if he does give it away *for me* no woman will want him later. That last one doesn't even make sense. He has been so accepting of the idea that I have serious doubts that he would let it happen.

 

If he won't agree to an adoption than he is forever in my life. I feel like I will always feel tied to him regardless. Not that I'd want to be with him, but that I'd never be able to totally erase him.

 

Do I cut him out anyway? Just block his number and stop contacting him totally? Can I legally do that?

[doyathinkso]

You are not necessarily stuck with Baby-Daddy blocking your right to put the child up for the chance of being adopted by a functional loving family.

 

Talk to a good reputable adoption agency and explain that you were impregnated against your conscious will by a sexual predator but did not follow through by going to the police. They may have lawyers on staff or will be able to refer you to legal aid through some social program to establish your rights in this situation.

 

Time to put your big girl panties on. Time to be a grownup. Get some people on your side who know what they're doing and know what you should be doing.

 

The clock is running. Get on it.

 

And call your ex-fiance. See if he wants to go out for a coffee. He might just be the guy you need on your side.

[Space Ritual]

Do I cut him out anyway? Just block his number and stop contacting him totally? Can I legally do that?

 

Depends where you live. If I am not mistaken you do not live n the United States is that correct? At any rate, he will have some rights as the father regardless of where you live. I suggest you speak with an attorney, if you haven't already. I hate to say it but it looks like its going to go downhill from here. As the birth nears he will probably get more and more obstinate with you. I can kind of see this coming just form what you describe.

Like I said before, in his mind your pregnancy is cramping his style. So when he says that stupid shyte to you, his intention is for you to get fed up and toss him out of your life, and to him that means he is off the hook. But I imagine he has not really thought much about it other than how he can get out of it.

 

I really think your next step is to see an attorney where you live. I am kind of surprised you have not done so thus far.

 

I also hate to say it, but I would not count on your ex for anything long term. Especially after how everything went down. He was very upset if I remember right and flamed you all over social media and called you every name in the book. Well just remember that was a trigger, so he can say whatever he wants now, but I would not count on him to be accepting of taking you and the baby in any time soon. Telling you he would an actually following through with such endeavors is a tall order.

[doyathinkso]

Kailah you're 20 weeks pregnant, right? You have not yet had the child. right? There exists no legal documentation linking Dipstick to the unborn child.

 

DO NOT let Dipstick sign the birth certificate.

 

DO NOT let Dipstick do a DNA test of the child.

 

Unless you [tell] legal authorities about the child's parentage then Dipstick has NO say whatsoever in whatever plans you might have for the child's future.

 

Go talk to a reputable adoption agency and don't ever bring Dipstick's name up. The sperm donor was a drunken mistake, nothing more.

 

[]

Talk to him. He could well be your greatest ally.

 

Love can make us act really crazy at times. If he could find it in his heart to forgive you don't you think you could do the same thing? Forgiveness can be warm and comforting. The alternative is a cold, sad and empty place.

Edited September 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Timshel]

Kailah, I have said before and will say again...no guys right now. You made a choice to keep the baby or at least carry to term. If the biological father is against adoption, it is very unlikely that you will be able to legally do so.

 

You are going to have a child. Your ex should be out of the picture because going back to a relationship with him while you are pregnant with another man's child and still having sex with is not a situation for a healthy relationship.

The biological father continues to use you for sex. He does not seem to have any sincere care for you. You are giving him sex with the deluded hope that he will fall in love with you and child and eventually all will be a happy family.

 

Please put all romantic relationships on hold. Continue with counseling, eating healthy, take a parenting class and continue with educational pursuits. At five months pregnant, your focus needs to be entirely on giving birth to a healthy child and being a prepared mother.

 

Your ex, the biologic father and yourself are very young...you have very serious circumstances to deal with at this time and worrying over which guy to be romantically involved with should be the least of your concerns.

[kailah]

Depends where you live. If I am not mistaken you do not live n the United States is that correct? At any rate, he will have some rights as the father regardless of where you live. I suggest you speak with an attorney, if you haven't already. I hate to say it but it looks like its going to go downhill from here. As the birth nears he will probably get more and more obstinate with you. I can kind of see this coming just form what you describe.

Like I said before, in his mind your pregnancy is cramping his style. So when he says that stupid shyte to you, his intention is for you to get fed up and toss him out of your life, and to him that means he is off the hook. But I imagine he has not really thought much about it other than how he can get out of it.

 

I really think your next step is to see an attorney where you live. I am kind of surprised you have not done so thus far.

 

I also hate to say it, but I would not count on your ex for anything long term. Especially after how everything went down. He was very upset if I remember right and flamed you all over social media and called you every name in the book. Well just remember that was a trigger, so he can say whatever he wants now, but I would not count on him to be accepting of taking you and the baby in any time soon. Telling you he would an actually following through with such endeavors is a tall order.

 

I have spoken to a lawyer, he has as well. Not as much about the adoption side of things. What I do know is that where I live is very anti-adoption. Other parts of the country aren't, but where I am they are. We both have to sign away our rights, especially since there is a DNA test already. The government will try and stop the adoption by finding family to take in the baby.

 

I know, I blew it. He reacted really badly and I don't know how we'd come back from that either. My family and friends hate him, his hates me. It's embarrassing as hell. He said how big of a mistake it was to treat me like that and that he went and had some counseling (I have been as well). My gut (or nerves, IDK anymore) says that he misses me but once we are together again he will realize he can't forgive and move on.

 

Kailah you're 20 weeks pregnant, right? You have not yet had the child. right? There exists no legal documentation linking Dipstick to the unborn child.

 

DO NOT let Dipstick sign the birth certificate.

 

DO NOT let Dipstick do a DNA test of the child.

 

Unless you [tell] legal authorities about the child's parentage then Dipstick has NO say whatsoever in whatever plans you might have for the child's future.

 

Go talk to a reputable adoption agency and don't ever bring Dipstick's name up. The sperm donor was a drunken mistake, nothing more.

 

[]

Talk to him. He could well be your greatest ally.

 

Love can make us act really crazy at times. If he could find it in his heart to forgive you don't you think you could do the same thing? Forgiveness can be warm and comforting. The alternative is a cold, sad and empty place.

 

I had a prenatal DNA test done. I, and he, know for sure that he is the father. We have both talked to a lawyer as well, at least I have. He said he did. I had the DNA test to prove to him that he was the father, because he didn't believe me and wanted no part of it. I should have taken advice and left it at that. But I thought he deserved the chance to father his child and this baby deserved to know who their father is. Really though, I don't think he's someone who should be in the babies life.

 

I'd love to call my ex, talk to him and see if things can be repaired. A few things are holding me back... I don't want to come off as more immature. Like I'm just jumping from guy to guy and don't care about the baby. I'm also scared to get hurt again if he decides that he can't do it. Maybe I decide to keep the baby and he wants no part of it. Or maybe he realizes he just cannot get over it. I also feel like I don't deserve him again.

Edited September 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote

[kailah]

Kailah, I have said before and will say again...no guys right now. You made a choice to keep the baby or at least carry to term. If the biological father is against adoption, it is very unlikely that you will be able to legally do so.

 

You are going to have a child. Your ex should be out of the picture because going back to a relationship with him while you are pregnant with another man's child and still having sex with is not a situation for a healthy relationship.

The biological father continues to use you for sex. He does not seem to have any sincere care for you. You are giving him sex with the deluded hope that he will fall in love with you and child and eventually all will be a happy family.

 

Please put all romantic relationships on hold. Continue with counseling, eating healthy, take a parenting class and continue with educational pursuits. At five months pregnant, your focus needs to be entirely on giving birth to a healthy child and being a prepared mother.

 

Your ex, the biologic father and yourself are very young...you have very serious circumstances to deal with at this time and worrying over which guy to be romantically involved with should be the least of your concerns.

 

This is the opinion that I was talking about in my last post, right above this on ^. At this point, I'm done romantically with my babies dad. That includes sex. He called me this morning because I ignored some texts and I said I think we should dial it back - a lot. His response was "whatever" and hung up.

 

It's too messy going back to my ex. It's too much stress to even talk to him. I don't think it's the right time.

[doyathinkso]

Just meet ex for coffee. Don't have an agenda. Just be.

 

Let whatever unfolds unfold on its own.

 

I'm not talking romance, but he is your ex. You two have history together. You were going to get married. I can see that you trying to do this on your own is too much for you to handle right now.

 

I think you need his support, if only as a friend who wants the best for you.

[Timshel]

This is the opinion that I was talking about in my last post, right above this on ^. At this point, I'm done romantically with my babies dad. That includes sex. He called me this morning because I ignored some texts and I said I think we should dial it back - a lot. His response was "whatever" and hung up.

 

It's too messy going back to my ex. It's too much stress to even talk to him. I don't think it's the right time.

 

 

Agree. Your own level of stress can effect the baby in utero. In the next four months make every effort to be peaceful, keep your life simple/uncomplicated.

 

There is no reason to seek any type of relationship with your ex as doing so will only complicate your pregnancy and peace of mind.

 

Also Kailah, if you were having unprotected sex with the baby's father, you should inform your doctor of this. You know now that he was not being monogamous and has a history of unprotected sex. Another std screen would be important for the baby's health.

[kailah]

Just meet ex for coffee. Don't have an agenda. Just be.

 

Let whatever unfolds unfold on its own.

 

I'm not talking romance, but he is your ex. You two have history together. You were going to get married. I can see that you trying to do this on your own is too much for you to handle right now.

 

I think you need his support, if only as a friend who wants the best for you.

 

It's just too much stress. We were together for 4 years, were going to get married, he was my first. I don't know if it's even possible to just be friends, easily.

 

When we were together I use to wonder if it was good idea to only be with one person and have no other experiences. And I wondered, a lot, what it would be like to be with someone else. I crossed that bridge with this other guy and it was horrible. Every part of me wants to be with my ex again. I threw away a great guy for a horrible guy. For what... It's crazy how fast life can change.

 

As much as I want him, I can't deal with the stress. Trying to stay just friends or trying to rebuild our relationship. Wondering if he's seeing anyone else (and a mutual friend told me he has been sleeping around and dated a bit). Wondering if he'll change his mind or always hold it over me. Wondering what will happen when the baby comes. How to deal with the babies dad. Dealing with his family/friends and mine. It's just too much. I want to be with him, but it's not the right time. Maybe I should tell him that. But I don't want to lead him on in any way. He's started seeing/sleeping with other people (according to my friend), maybe I need to just let it go so he can find someone who won't cheat on him. Thinking about never being with him again and someone else making him happy breaks my heart and physically hurts.

 

With how my life is right now, I know adoption is the better choice for the baby. Not for me, but it is for the baby. Not knowing what the babies dad is going to do is more than enough stress. I can't know if I should be planning to bring this baby into my life or preparing to let it go.

 

Agree. Your own level of stress can effect the baby in utero. In the next four months make every effort to be peaceful, keep your life simple/uncomplicated.

 

There is no reason to seek any type of relationship with your ex as doing so will only complicate your pregnancy and peace of mind.

 

Also Kailah, if you were having unprotected sex with the baby's father, you should inform your doctor of this. You know now that he was not being monogamous and has a history of unprotected sex. Another std screen would be important for the baby's health.

 

I want this baby to be healthy and have the best chance it can. I know my stress affects the baby and future health. I wish I could just live in a private bubble and shut out the world for the next few months.

 

The sex was always protected. He wanted to go without but I wasn't okay with that. I guess that's the only smart choice I've made lately. I will get tested again though, just to be sure.