Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[doyathinkso]

As much as I want him, I can't deal with the stress. Trying to stay just friends or trying to rebuild our relationship. Wondering if he's seeing anyone else (and a mutual friend told me he has been sleeping around and dated a bit). Wondering if he'll change his mind or always hold it over me. Wondering what will happen when the baby comes. How to deal with the babies dad. Dealing with his family/friends and mine. It's just too much. I want to be with him, but it's not the right time. Maybe I should tell him that. But I don't want to lead him on in any way. He's started seeing/sleeping with other people (according to my friend), maybe I need to just let it go so he can find someone who won't cheat on him. Thinking about never being with him again and someone else making him happy breaks my heart and physically hurts.

 

 

 

 

I can't recall where I saw this quote but it must have been someone wise who wrote it ...... "moment of decision, best thing you can do is the right thing, next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing."

 

Take what you want from that.

 

You're just a kid. Trying to do this all on your own has led you to a series of poor decisions. Please stop compounding that. Do the right thing while you still have a chance.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Your situation is unique, and I commend you for updating it here,

It's been quite a read, and quite a journey, but still a long way to go I fear!

I'm sorry to hear the baby's dad doesn't want any part of this whole thing,

Especially knowing you're pregnant with his kid after the drunken fling.

 

Forget what he said, some guys feel pregnant women are sexy when it's theirs,

Something is really different about a woman pregnant with your future heir.

Your hormones will rage over these next few months, hasty decisions you shouldn't make,

But raising a child alone, without the father at all, courage and persistence it will take!

[kailah]

I can't recall where I saw this quote but it must have been someone wise who wrote it ...... "moment of decision, best thing you can do is the right thing, next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing."

 

Take what you want from that.

 

You're just a kid. Trying to do this all on your own has led you to a series of poor decisions. Please stop compounding that. Do the right thing while you still have a chance.

 

Doing nothing isn't always doing nothing. In my case it would be taking time to care for myself and get my life in order. I probably should sit down and talk with him and tell him what is going on. I don't want him to be led on or think I am in a place to try again. I also don't want him to think that I never want to try again. I do, it's just not good timing. I need to focus on me and this baby. I think he deserves that so he can move on if he wants to.

[DKT3]

I have spoken to a lawyer, he has as well. Not as much about the adoption side of things. What I do know is that where I live is very anti-adoption. Other parts of the country aren't, but where I am they are. We both have to sign away our rights, especially since there is a DNA test already. The government will try and stop the adoption by finding family to take in the baby.

 

I know, I blew it. He reacted really badly and I don't know how we'd come back from that either. My family and friends hate him, his hates me. It's embarrassing as hell. He said how big of a mistake it was to treat me like that and that he went and had some counseling (I have been as well). My gut (or nerves, IDK anymore) says that he misses me but once we are together again he will realize he can't forgive and move on.

 

 

 

I had a prenatal DNA test done. I, and he, know for sure that he is the father. We have both talked to a lawyer as well, at least I have. He said he did. I had the DNA test to prove to him that he was the father, because he didn't believe me and wanted no part of it. I should have taken advice and left it at that. But I thought he deserved the chance to father his child and this baby deserved to know who their father is. Really though, I don't think he's someone who should be in the babies life.

 

I'd love to call my ex, talk to him and see if things can be repaired. A few things are holding me back... I don't want to come off as more immature. Like I'm just jumping from guy to guy and don't care about the baby. I'm also scared to get hurt again if he decides that he can't do it. Maybe I decide to keep the baby and he wants no part of it. Or maybe he realizes he just cannot get over it. I also feel like I don't deserve him again.

 

I really think you should leave your ex alone. But I will say, don't allow fear to continue to ruin your life. Let's be honest, you cheated because you feared his impending proposal, you would attempt to make it right with him by accepting what you did was horrible, you feared him rejecting, you feared being viewed as "the bad guy". So much fear, it's time to stand up and face your fears.

 

You have no idea what your ex will or won't accept. You've made enough unilateral decisions for him.

[doyathinkso]

Now you're getting it. Talk to him. Just talk. No expectations.

Just to clear the air and let him know where your head is at.

He deserves that much.

And so do you.

[anna121]

For now, I would block the baby daddy and refuse to communicate. He has no rights to anything until the child is born, and after that you let him initiate everything: demanding to be put on the certificate, visitation etc. From this point, have nothing that can be pointed to as a relationship. Make him work for everything. Do not respond except through lawyers.

[anna121]

FWIW I would screenshot that FB post by the girl, that shows him liking it.

[anna121]

Sorry, one more.

 

Create a document that carefully recreates the timeline of your relationship, along with dates and everything you can remember him saying and the various permutations. This thread will help. Keep it for future reference.

[kailah]

I really think you should leave your ex alone. But I will say, don't allow fear to continue to ruin your life. Let's be honest, you cheated because you feared his impending proposal, you would attempt to make it right with him by accepting what you did was horrible, you feared him rejecting, you feared being viewed as "the bad guy". So much fear, it's time to stand up and face your fears.

 

You have no idea what your ex will or won't accept. You've made enough unilateral decisions for him.

 

I don't know if I know I should leave him alone and let him be, or if I think I should because I don't deserve him. He is texting me to meet and saying he misses me. He wants to know what is going on in my life. I don't want to make the healing process harder on him. I do want to talk to him, even if he just gets closure from it.

 

If he posted her every person would tell him to run, go NC and never look back because I'm a monster for doing that to him.

 

I don't know if I could ever make it up to him, I'd spend the rest of my life trying. All the sh*t he said and did it doesn't matter because what I did was so much worse.

 

Doing things even though they scare me is hard for me.

 

Now you're getting it. Talk to him. Just talk. No expectations.

Just to clear the air and let him know where your head is at.

He deserves that much.

And so do you.

 

I feel like I don't deserve the gum off the bottom of his shoe.

 

For now, I would block the baby daddy and refuse to communicate. He has no rights to anything until the child is born, and after that you let him initiate everything: demanding to be put on the certificate, visitation etc. From this point, have nothing that can be pointed to as a relationship. Make him work for everything. Do not respond except through lawyers.

 

FWIW I would screenshot that FB post by the girl, that shows him liking it.

 

Create a document that carefully recreates the timeline of your relationship, along with dates and everything you can remember him saying and the various permutations. This thread will help. Keep it for future reference.

 

I can probably go back and find social media things and texts that show his true colors. Some of the details in the thread will help with making a timeline. I don't want to read it, it makes me want to slap myself for being stupid. I hope know one I know ever reads it. Using my name was ridiculously stupid.

 

It's only been about 24 hours with no contact with the babies dad. That's hardly any time at all but it already feels so lonely. Not that I want him in my life, I don't. It's just a reminder of what it will be like if he won't sign off on the adoption, or if I can't go through with it. It hasn't been much time at all, but he hasn't tried to make any contact or fight for anything. I said I wanted to dial it back and he pretty much just hung up on me. It says a lot and I never should have fought for anything with him.

[doyathinkso]

 

 

I feel like I don't deserve the gum off the bottom of his shoe.

 

 

 

 

Talk to him.

 

You might tell him what you said above. Perhaps add that if he never wants to see you again you will respect his wishes.

Then listen very carefully to what he has to say.

[Timshel]

Your insistence is beginning to intrigue me doya.

 

Kailah, you made a mistake (cheating)...that does not negate your value as a human being or your ability to move forward and be a wonderful person and mom.

If or when you feel confident enough to talk with your ex, this is your choice and whether you do it now, later or never are all reasonable decisions.

 

Priority #1 is your own and baby's health. Take your time and hold your head up. You are doing fine and putting yourself down is not necessary or productive.

[anna121]

I understand that you are going through a lot...but please consider that your decisions regarding BD have been, for the most part, very poor.

 

STOP thinking of him as a potential partner. For your own sake, and the sake of your child, you MUST try and be more detached, even clinical, with respect to this guy. You really need to be all business. Hence my strong suggestion to cut contact until HE makes it necessary, because it is related to the child.

[DKT3]

I don't know if I know I should leave him alone and let him be, or if I think I should because I don't deserve him. He is texting me to meet and saying he misses me. He wants to know what is going on in my life. I don't want to make the healing process harder on him. I do want to talk to him, even if he just gets closure from it.

 

If he posted her every person would tell him to run, go NC and never look back because I'm a monster for doing that to him.

 

I don't know if I could ever make it up to him, I'd spend the rest of my life trying. All the sh*t he said and did it doesn't matter because what I did was so much worse.

 

Doing things even though they scare me is hard for me.

 

 

 

I feel like I don't deserve the gum off the bottom of his shoe.

 

 

 

I can probably go back and find social media things and texts that show his true colors. Some of the details in the thread will help with making a timeline. I don't want to read it, it makes me want to slap myself for being stupid. I hope know one I know ever reads it. Using my name was ridiculously stupid.

 

It's only been about 24 hours with no contact with the babies dad. That's hardly any time at all but it already feels so lonely. Not that I want him in my life, I don't. It's just a reminder of what it will be like if he won't sign off on the adoption, or if I can't go through with it. It hasn't been much time at all, but he hasn't tried to make any contact or fight for anything. I said I wanted to dial it back and he pretty much just hung up on me. It says a lot and I never should have fought for anything with him.

 

My point is that you are kinda hanging on to hope for your ex, but fear rejection. You can't be scared to put yourself out there. This whole thing may have never happened had you said, you were scared to be married at that time. Instead you hide and slept with another guy. You compounded the mistake by taking a get over it attitude with your ex, instead of addressing your fears, accepting responsible for his pain and facing what you did. Again you ran and hide. You can't hide your whole life. Now you're making a decision for him by saying he can't deal with the baby.

 

If you want this relationship to have a shot you have to open yourself up to the possibility of rejection, if you can't then you need to let him go.

[doyathinkso]

Timshel ..... right back at ya.

 

Just don't want to see the poor kid keep climbing down into the rabbit hole until she gets stuck down there and can't back out.

 

For what it's worth, my gut feel on this is that she didn't start out cheating but got played ..... got fed a lot of drinks, maybe roofied by a slimeball player. Then after her fiance initially freaked out on her she started making a compounding chain of errors.

 

My other gut take is that this is still recoverable, and I'm usually not the kind of guy who feels you can forgive a cheater. This one just seems different.

[Timshel]

I agree, also, they are very young. Plenty of time on the learning curve. The baby does speed up the growing process though. Kailah has to do what feels right for her now. She has made some rash decisions....all the more reason to slowww down.

 

If she and her ex are going to work it out, they will. Time will only provide clarity for both of them. Shrugs...I'm rooting for her.

[kailah]

I really want to be able to work it out with my ex. I'd do anything to get back what we had. He does want to talk and I am scared that he won't want to try again or he will just be rude again. I'm scared to put myself out there and get totally rejected. But I have to do it if I went another chance with him.

 

I never thought that I would cheat on him. I had no intention of doing it. I wish I had never let it happen. I don't think I will ever want to drink again. I can't believe I let myself get to that point. I never want to see the father again. He told me that he acted more drunk than he actually was and wasn't finishing drinks like I was. He knew I was wasted yet slept with me anyway and lied to me about it. Who does that... I still chose to do it and put myself there, I know that.

 

I called my ex and we are going to go talk tonight. I have no idea how it will go. I'm going in not expecting anything more than him telling me he never wants to see me again. I know he's going to have questions about what I did and have done since and it will be so hard to answer those questions. I don't want to hurt him more.

 

If anything is going to happen I want it to go very slowly and not try to jump back to where we were. We have to work our way back there. I'm so scared how it will turn out... I have no idea how we can ever get it back or how I will ever make it up to him.

 

I wish I could know for sure what is the right decision for me and my baby.

[doyathinkso]

There are so so many good stable decent loving couples out there who for unfortunate medical reasons of their own are unable to conceive or carry to term their own progeny. They would receive the new born child into their lives as a God sent blessing and be able to give it the kind of good life and opportunities that at your stage of life you would never be able to provide.

[doyathinkso]

Hoping no news is good news.

[justavillagegirl]

There are so so many good stable decent loving couples out there who for unfortunate medical reasons of their own are unable to conceive or carry to term their own progeny. They would receive the new born child into their lives as a God sent blessing and be able to give it the kind of good life and opportunities that at your stage of life you would never be able to provide.

 

So why aren't these "good, stable, decent, loving couples" adopting from the hundreds of thousands of children already in the system?

[Formerfiveo]

Kailah, I hope you're doing okay.

 

I wish you had some sort of a mentor to help guide and support you through this.

 

Sending you virtual love and hugs.

[kailah]

My babies dad confuses the hell out of me. It's like he wants to be a good guy and do the right thing, but he's just not and can't. I haven't had a lot of contact with him lately, sometimes he will message me asking how I am or about appointments and other times he will message me to hang out (sex) and get mad when I decline. The other day he had flowers sent to my house, which was very unexpected seeing as he had been terrible the few days previous.

 

Last week I had a girl contact me on Facebook and she is pregnant, due 9 weeks before me (December 2), and it's his. I can't even process it. It doesn't feel real and my life just keeps getting more and more complicated. I haven't talked to her much because I don't want to be involved, even though I'm smack dab in the middle. I have asked him about it and he wouldn't answer me, which says everything. She said they are seeing each other and he's been great to her. It makes me wonder if he just treats me like gum on the bottom of his shoe or she has a skewed version of being treated well.

 

I'm trying to keep myself separated from him and the rest of his drama. She has contacted and told me that she wants to get to know me because our kids will be half-siblings. I don't want anything to do with her, I really don't. Am I in the wrong there?

 

He's a Grade A ***hole. He has been sending texts and messages blaming me for getting pregnant. Calling me [names] for sleeping with a stranger and cheating on my ex. Saying that I deserved to have my relationship ruined, that drunk girls deserve to be f*cked, that he wouldn't have had sex with me if he hadn't have been drunk because I'm ugly, that he exposed me to STD's, that I'm stupid for believing him, that I'll be a bad mother. That he won't sign adoption papers because he wants to ruin my life like I ruined his, and he will come around just enough to mess with my life. That he ruined me for every other guy because no one wants someone with a kid and my vagina will be ruined. THEN, turns around and says he's excited for the baby, wants to try to have something together, wants a family, I'm beautiful, will be a good mother, etc.

 

At this point I have his messages blocked, but I still see them on my phone I just don't get alerted to them. I delete them when I notice new ones, and try not to read them but I can see the beginning of them. I told him that he needs to stop or I'd contact the police for harassment or restraining order, and he said his dad is a cop and they wouldn't do anything. I changed my number today, so he won't be able to text or call me anymore. Until the baby is born he doesn't need to be in my life.

[DKT3]

My babies dad confuses the hell out of me. It's like he wants to be a good guy and do the right thing, but he's just not and can't. I haven't had a lot of contact with him lately, sometimes he will message me asking how I am or about appointments and other times he will message me to hang out (sex) and get mad when I decline. The other day he had flowers sent to my house, which was very unexpected seeing as he had been terrible the few days previous.

 

Last week I had a girl contact me on Facebook and she is pregnant, due 9 weeks before me (December 2), and it's his. I can't even process it. It doesn't feel real and my life just keeps getting more and more complicated. I haven't talked to her much because I don't want to be involved, even though I'm smack dab in the middle. I have asked him about it and he wouldn't answer me, which says everything. She said they are seeing each other and he's been great to her. It makes me wonder if he just treats me like gum on the bottom of his shoe or she has a skewed version of being treated well.

 

I'm trying to keep myself separated from him and the rest of his drama. She has contacted and told me that she wants to get to know me because our kids will be half-siblings. I don't want anything to do with her, I really don't. Am I in the wrong there?

 

He's a Grade A ***hole. He has been sending texts and messages blaming me for getting pregnant. Calling me [names] for sleeping with a stranger and cheating on my ex. Saying that I deserved to have my relationship ruined, that drunk girls deserve to be f*cked, that he wouldn't have had sex with me if he hadn't have been drunk because I'm ugly, that he exposed me to STD's, that I'm stupid for believing him, that I'll be a bad mother. That he won't sign adoption papers because he wants to ruin my life like I ruined his, and he will come around just enough to mess with my life. That he ruined me for every other guy because no one wants someone with a kid and my vagina will be ruined. THEN, turns around and says he's excited for the baby, wants to try to have something together, wants a family, I'm beautiful, will be a good mother, etc.

 

At this point I have his messages blocked, but I still see them on my phone I just don't get alerted to them. I delete them when I notice new ones, and try not to read them but I can see the beginning of them. I told him that he needs to stop or I'd contact the police for harassment or restraining order, and he said his dad is a cop and they wouldn't do anything. I changed my number today, so he won't be able to text or call me anymore. Until the baby is born he doesn't need to be in my life.

 

Good to hear from you, I don't know you but I was worried because your so young and vulnerable ATM.

 

Did you have the conversation with your ex? How did it go?

[SammySammy]

Do you still hope to be a family with him someday? Or is that over now that he has another child on the way and has treated you badly?

[kailah]

Good to hear from you, I don't know you but I was worried because your so young and vulnerable ATM.

 

Did you have the conversation with your ex? How did it go?

 

I have spoken to my ex and we have been talking and seeing each other trying to rebuild our relationship. We started going to counseling. We are trying to slowly recover our relationship. It's hard, with all the stress but I suppose it always will be now. I'm having trouble feeling like I don't deserve to be with him and always trying to make it up to him. I'd spend the rest of my life making it up to him if I could. He is having trouble knowing how to act around the pregnancy and with the bio dad. He is trying to stay out of it

 

Do you still hope to be a family with him someday? Or is that over now that he has another child on the way and has treated you badly?

 

I'd be happy if I never had to see him again. I want nothing to do with him.

[Space Ritual]

My babies dad confuses the hell out of me. It's like he wants to be a good guy and do the right thing, but he's just not and can't. I haven't had a lot of contact with him lately, sometimes he will message me asking how I am or about appointments and other times he will message me to hang out (sex) and get mad when I decline. The other day he had flowers sent to my house, which was very unexpected seeing as he had been terrible the few days previous.

 

Last week I had a girl contact me on Facebook and she is pregnant, due 9 weeks before me (December 2), and it's his. I can't even process it. It doesn't feel real and my life just keeps getting more and more complicated. I haven't talked to her much because I don't want to be involved, even though I'm smack dab in the middle. I have asked him about it and he wouldn't answer me, which says everything. She said they are seeing each other and he's been great to her. It makes me wonder if he just treats me like gum on the bottom of his shoe or she has a skewed version of being treated well.

 

I'm trying to keep myself separated from him and the rest of his drama. She has contacted and told me that she wants to get to know me because our kids will be half-siblings. I don't want anything to do with her, I really don't. Am I in the wrong there?

 

He's a Grade A ***hole. He has been sending texts and messages blaming me for getting pregnant. Calling me [names] for sleeping with a stranger and cheating on my ex. Saying that I deserved to have my relationship ruined, that drunk girls deserve to be f*cked, that he wouldn't have had sex with me if he hadn't have been drunk because I'm ugly, that he exposed me to STD's, that I'm stupid for believing him, that I'll be a bad mother. That he won't sign adoption papers because he wants to ruin my life like I ruined his, and he will come around just enough to mess with my life. That he ruined me for every other guy because no one wants someone with a kid and my vagina will be ruined. THEN, turns around and says he's excited for the baby, wants to try to have something together, wants a family, I'm beautiful, will be a good mother, etc.

 

At this point I have his messages blocked, but I still see them on my phone I just don't get alerted to them. I delete them when I notice new ones, and try not to read them but I can see the beginning of them. I told him that he needs to stop or I'd contact the police for harassment or restraining order, and he said his dad is a cop and they wouldn't do anything. I changed my number today, so he won't be able to text or call me anymore. Until the baby is born he doesn't need to be in my life.

 

Well you now have a definitive answers as to how your life will go with him in it.

 

I'm sorry that the consequences of your initial actions have seem to really multiplied, but such is life.

 

That said, if I were in your position, I would consider asking him to waive any parental rights once the baby is born. Simple fact of the matter is that although you would like to have him provide financial support, that support, as you have come to realize will come at great cost to you, and you baby. On top of that, if he has impregnated someone else, rest assured he is plating the same games with her as he is with you.

 

I would advise you, in the best interest of yourself and your child to allow this guy to absolve any and all parental rights. As heartbreaking as that seems, are you ready to deal with this constant back and forth with this guy for the next 18 years of your life? Now that he has another child too, do you really think in your heart of hearts he would actually do the right thing by you financially at all?

 

Letting him walk so you can have some peace of mind is a small price to pay compared to an uncertain future dealing with this assclown being part of your life in any capacity other than a bad memory.

I'm very sorry this keeps snowballing on you.

 

Good luck