Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[Eternal Sunshine]

If I were in your situation, I would cut him out completely. In fact, I doubt I would have even told him about the baby. He is just going to keep hurting you if you try to force "getting to know each other" and he is not feeling it. It doesn't even matter if he initiates, it looks like it's only out of guilt.

 

Put a stop to hang outs. Gather your support system and be prepared to raise a child without a father. Once the child is born, file for child support. If he insists on seeing the child, formulate some official custody arrangement. Move on with your life.

[NTV]

Yep, exactly. He's stuck in situation and trying to make the best of it.

 

No, you probably wouldn't be in his life if not for this, but he now has no choice in the matter.

 

 

 

 

That's not necessarily a bad thing either. I'd imagine there's a metric ton of worse guys to have father a child. And you have to give it to him that he's being honest with you, so there's that.

 

 

Also, to be honest with you, a good 80-90% of the things that attracted me to my wife when we were dating don't mean crap now that we're married with kids. My might still be hot, but I would trade hot for honest any day of the week.

 

 

Keep in mind also, that until you give birth and he has a paternity test done, he will have doubts at this child being his. In his mind there will be a constant 'well, if she had a one night stand with me, should could have had others, and I don't know for sure this is my child.' So... we he talks about the paternity test, if you KNOW this child is his, just nod and say okay you understand. If you fight it or act offended, it's easy to take that as a reason you're hiding something.

 

 

And even if the desire to have one feels offensive to you, it's not intended to be. It's a expression of fears/doubts. I have met a lady once in my twenties who tried to lay the paternity of her child at the feet of like 6 or 7 different dudes who could have been the father.... that kinda thing really happens.

 

 

Well... that's my advise anyways. Good luck!

[Redhead14]

This post is about this issue and this issue alone, my other thread is irrelevant. I need someone to help me make sense of this because I cannot understand what is going on.

 

Recap... Two months ago I had a one night stand with a random guy, didn't use protection and got pregnant. 6 weeks ago I told him that I was pregnant, in those 6 weeks I've seen him 8 times for coffee, walks, movie, lunch. Some days he's very open and flirty, other days he's cold as a rock and completely shut off.

 

He keeps saying that he doesn't want a relationship with me, and doesn't even want a baby but he'll do the right thing and stand by his child. He says that he doesn't see me that way and we'll never have a relationship together. But his actions and words don't always line up. Sometimes he is very distant, but sometimes he's not...

 

4 weeks ago we had sex and he said it was a mistake and I misread his signals. He kissed me first and was being extremely affectionate, so I disagree but ok. The moments leading up to the sex, during and immediately after he was extremely affectionate and flirty. After he said it was a big mistake and never should have happened. Then a couple days ago we went to a movie together. During the movie he held my hand most of the time and made out with me a few times, always initiating. When the movie was done he initiated going to get dinner so we did. He flirted most of the night and kissed me again. Right before we said goodbye he became very distant again.

 

So if he really doesn't see me that way and doesn't want a relationship or anything to do with me romantically, what is going on? Is he just trying to force himself to like me? I don't care what the situation is, I don't want to be someones pity date. He goes from making out with me sex or flirting, to being completely closed off and like I'm the most disgusting or craziest person on the planet. If I ask him about it he just says it was a mistake or a judgement error.

 

I have a lot going on right now with being pregnant, university, work, preparing. I'm just trying to get to know him to I know the father of my baby and it's messing with my head. I just want this to go as smoothly as possible and the stress is boiling over. I just want to get to know him without all the mind games.

 

He's on the fence about liking you enough to man up and be a father to his baby. He's feeling trapped, I'd say and walking in circles in the "cage" like a caged animal. He did tell you he doesn't want a relationship with you, however, he likes your company enough to have sex and companionship and so that part is hard to let go of. You're gonna have to be the one who ends things romantically once and for all. The relationship with him and the baby is another thing all together. The two of you should at least negotiate a co-parenting environment for the sake of the baby. The baby doesn't have a voice in this and so you are the fiduciary acting on his or her behalf. If he relinquishes his parental rights, there's no point in trying to force it on him. Prepare yourself for single-parenthood. He should be at least accountable for monetary support of the baby, so a lawyer should be involved.

[elaine567]

Keep in mind also, that until you give birth and he has a paternity test done, he will have doubts at this child being his.

 

No need to wait until after the baby is born.

 

Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity (NIPP): A non-invasive prenatal paternity test is the most accurate non-invasive way to establish paternity before the baby is born. The process is state-of-the-art, combining the latest technology and proprietary methods of preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. This test requires only a simple blood collection from the mother and alleged father and can be performed any time after the 8th week of pregnancy. The test is 99.9% accurate

.

[kailah]

Thank-you everyone that responded. It all really helps me. I'm going to tell him that I want to co-parent only, no intimacy.

 

I think it's still hard for me to get over that I was good enough to have sex with but not good enough for anything past that, even a friendship without sex. He's very honest about everything, brutally honest. It's like he has no filter. I don't think he's even that attracted to me, enough that he's not repulsed by me but I'm just convenient now. Or it's pity sex, which is worse.

 

My gut tells me that he won't stick around when sex is totally dropped off the table. We will see I guess.

 

I don't want him to only be in my life because he feels like he has to or because he's trapped. Maybe he needs another out.

 

I doubt I would have even told him about the baby.

 

I told him that I was pregnant because I thought he deserved to know. It's just as much his child as it is mine. Sometimes I have regrets about that...

 

That's not necessarily a bad thing either. I'd imagine there's a metric ton of worse guys to have father a child. And you have to give it to him that he's being honest with you, so there's that.

 

Keep in mind also, that until you give birth and he has a paternity test done, he will have doubts at this child being his. In his mind there will be a constant 'well, if she had a one night stand with me, should could have had others, and I don't know for sure this is my child.' So... we he talks about the paternity test, if you KNOW this child is his, just nod and say okay you understand. If you fight it or act offended, it's easy to take that as a reason you're hiding something.

 

I like honesty, it's important and a good quality. I just wish he wasn't so brutally honest or had some sort of filter.

 

I'm 99% positive it's his. The only reason I'm not 100% positive is because I had sex with my (now) ex 2 weeks prior, and he used a condom. My doctor said very, very unlikely.

 

This guy doesn't believe that he was my first ONS and the second guy I've had sex with. He has said what you said, I had a ONS with him so I probably have with others.

 

I had a prenatal dna test done, waiting for the results.

[dpass]

He's very honest about everything, brutally honest. It's like he has no filter.

 

How impulsive is this guy? I ask because being impulsive (which it seems like he is) and lacking a verbal filter are symptoms of mental health disorders. Mainly Bipolar, but others as well like borderline personality disorder and adhd.

[elaine567]

How impulsive is this guy? I ask because being impulsive (which it seems like he is) and lacking a verbal filter are symptoms of mental health disorders. Mainly Bipolar, but others as well like borderline personality disorder and adhd.

 

...and Aspergers.

 

The Aspie is so focused on stating what is true, that he or she cannot foresee how the truth might affect the other person’s feelings.

Stuff Asperger People Like » Blog Archive » #28 Brutal Honesty (a.k.a. rudeness)

[basil67]

...and Aspergers.

 

My Aspie BFF has zero filters.

[basil67]

I don't want him to only be in my life because he feels like he has to or because he's trapped. Maybe he needs another out.

.

 

You're having his baby. There is no 'out' for him. You are now a part of his life whether he wants it or not.

[Tribble]

Your priority right now is you and your baby. This isn't worth it. I understand you're trying to build a relationship with the father of your child (I don't mean romantic) but the lines are becoming too blurry. A previous poster is right - he's trying to absolve himself of responsibility. He's trying to claw back some control. Because, right now, his life has just changed irreversibly and he has zero control. The only thing he can control right now is his relationship with you so he is flip flopping between intimacy and being cold.

 

 

He's making himself sound so pathetic. He knows you want something, so he's just giving it to you? But because you want it, you're initiating?? You can take back control here. Stay in contact. He deserves contact with his child and, if that happens, it's the best scenario you can hope for. But you don't need to have a relationship (of any kind) with him. Stay civil but no more seeing each other, no more 'dates'. Just talk about baby progress. Use this time to prepare, to look after yourself. After the baby comes, you'll have very little headspace for anything else!

 

 

Good luck OP, this is a sucky situation to be in. FWIW, I agree you can be a great single Mum. This isn't an ideal situation, but very little is ideal in life.

[ChatroomHero]

If I were in your situation, I would cut him out completely. In fact, I doubt I would have even told him about the baby.

 

 

Once the child is born, file for child support. If he insists on seeing the child, formulate some official custody arrangement. Move on with your life.

 

I think this advice borders on evil, please do not even consider this. Cut a father out of a kids life (or don't tell him in the first place) out of spite?...But ask for child support? I sure hope the average woman does not think like this, that is pretty disgusting actually.

 

 

So punish a father by taking a child away, punish the child by taking the father away, and punish the father again by taking a big chunk of his pay away with no benefit in return? And for what reason, because he only wanted sex from you and not a relationship?

 

 

Whatever you do, don't be that horrible and do this. This guy did not disappear, he did not object to responsibility, he just knows you were a booty call that got pregnant. You're equally responsible and to punish him using the kid would the about the worst thing a person in your situation could do.

[stillafool]

....great. And I can't even cut him out of my life.

 

Sure you can. File for child support, arrange visitation and move on with your life. Let me ask you something, why are you still going out and having sex with a man who has said he doesn't want you or the baby? I think you should try to find the answer to that question rather what's going on in this mans mind. Just know, he will support you financially as ordered, but will not be with you. Right now, he likes the sex and would probably be aroused by any woman he's around who is sexually attracted to him.

[stillafool]

 

I don't want him to only be in my life because he feels like he has to or because he's trapped. Maybe he needs another out.

 

You see, when the baby gets here it isn't about you and him, it's about him and the baby. The baby has a right to his/her father and the baby will also become part of his family, without you.

 

 

 

 

I told him that I was pregnant because I thought he deserved to know. It's just as much his child as it is mine. Sometimes I have regrets about

that...

 

I agree that's why I wrote the above.

 

 

I like honesty, it's important and a good quality. I just wish he wasn't so brutally honest or had some sort of filter.

 

You keep saying he is too honest well would you prefer he tell you half truths, lies and bulls---t that isn't true? I think brutal honesty makes it clear where you stand so there is no guessing required. Even though he has been brutally honest with you you are still having sex with him.

[redbaron007]

...

I think it's still hard for me to get over that I was good enough to have sex with but not good enough for anything past that, even a friendship without sex.

...

 

This is an unreasonable expectation. For you it was a ONS situation and if your ex had taken you back, you would have perfectly happy to forget this guy with no thought of "friendship". Why is it hard for you now? Just because a pregnancy is involved does not mean a guy will or should develop feelings for you. He's just a sperm donor, not your BF or lover, heck, he's not even a friend.

 

I don't want him to only be in my life because he feels like he has to or because he's trapped. Maybe he needs another out.

His message clearly says he's in it because he believes he's "doing the right thing". Sounds like a guy who is being forced to do it by his conscience, or fear of litigation, or both. He doesn't remotely sound like a guy who has feelings for you. I'm sure you can recognize when a guy has feelings for you, he'll woo you, give you presents, be sweet, overattentive, fawn over you...does this guy even remotely sound like a lover?

 

Real life is very different from the movie "Knocked Up". Best you focus on yourself.

[kailah]

How impulsive is this guy? I ask because being impulsive (which it seems like he is) and lacking a verbal filter are symptoms of mental health disorders. Mainly Bipolar, but others as well like borderline personality disorder and adhd.

 

...and Aspergers.

 

My Aspie BFF has zero filters.

 

He either doesn't care that he hurts my feelings, or he doesn't know. The other day he did apologize for it and said he has trouble thinking before he speaks sometimes, and reading people for when to shut up or when he said something wrong. He has some odd things about him that I've notice. The first thing I noticed was that he arranged coins by date made before putting them into his pocket. I only saw him do it once though - he only paid in cash once - so it could have been nothing. He doesn't come off as someone who has social problems. I mean, he approached me at a party and hooked up with me. Granted he was drunk, but still. He's kind of all over the place with his actions. It's not really "should we do this" and think about it, it's "lets do this right now".

 

This is an unreasonable expectation. For you it was a ONS situation and if your ex had taken you back, you would have perfectly happy to forget this guy with no thought of "friendship".

 

Actually, my ex was the one who initiated getting back together. I'm the one that didn't want to put up with him calling me names and bashing me constantly. We don't talk anymore, and he removed me from his social media accounts. Which is for the best.

 

----------------------------------------

 

We didn't talk for 2 weeks. He said it was because he was busy, which could be true, but it was right after I told him I want our relationship with each other to take a step back and only be about the baby. A couple days ago I got the paternity results back from the prenatal test and it showed he was the father. He got the results as well and afterwards he called me and said he wanted to talk, in person.

 

I knew that it was his baby, almost without a doubt, but he didn't have that same confidence. I knew it would be a lot to take in - that he is in fact having a baby. We met because I thought (or hoped?) that he'd just want to talk about it, even though I didn't know what there was to say. He said he needed to talk it out and wrap his head around it.

 

As soon as we met he was being really sweet and saying that he was sorry for doubting me and for saying I must sleep around. He just talked, a lot. When he should tell friends and family, how he would tell them, how we'd split up time, when we have to do court proceedings - if we do, all the things he has to learn and figure out, names. Honestly, it was going really well.

 

He asked me to go to his place and said it was just as friends, nothing more. He said he wanted to make me something nice to eat to apologize and make himself feel better. I didn't think it was a good idea but agreed to go eat somewhere - public. The place that we went to had a long wait for a table and we ended up just going to his place to eat. He made food, we kept talking, he kept being sweet, saying all the right things.

 

We watched a movie after and I fell asleep during. He woke me up kissing me and said he couldn't resist because I was so beautiful. It made me feel good, one thing led to another and we had sex a couple times. I stayed the night cuddling with him. AFTER we had sex he said he made a mistake and shouldn't have told me that he's not attracted to me and that we'll never be together. He said he can see us giving it a shot when the time is right, that he's excited for this adventure with me, and wants to take it slow so we don't rush and ruin it. I felt like putty in his hands.

 

I haven't heard anything from him since yesterday morning when I went home. I didn't text him or anything, I don't want to ruin something. Could he really have changed his mind now that he knows he's the father or was he just playing me to get sex?

[frus69]

I haven't heard anything from him since yesterday morning when I went home. I didn't text him or anything, I don't want to ruin something. Could he really have changed his mind now that he knows he's the father or was he just playing me to get sex?

 

Does it matter? You are gonna give him sex whenever he touches you anyway.

 

 

You can hold on to the hope that one day he will marry you. Because that is what you are going to do anyway. But hey, miracles can happen

[kailah]

Does it matter? You are gonna give him sex whenever he touches you anyway.

 

You can hold on to the hope that one day he will marry you. Because that is what you are going to do anyway. But hey, miracles can happen

 

I think that was a bit rude... I don't have sex with him whenever he touches me. It's not like I'm a girl that goes around having sex with whoever, whenever. I've slept with 2 guys...

 

And yes, it does matter.

[dpass]

I think that was a bit rude... I don't have sex with him whenever he touches me. It's not like I'm a girl that goes around having sex with whoever, whenever. I've slept with 2 guys...

 

And yes, it does matter.

 

Maybe not, but it does look like you have sex with him every time he puts the offer out there.

 

You told him you didn't want a sexual relationship, he stopped talking to you for 2 weeks. He found a reason to talk to you, convinced you to meet up with him, got you back in bed and now you haven't heard from him for a couple days again. Take your emotions out of it and just read that. How many times does it need to happen before you realize he's just after sex?

 

Could he have changed his mind? Of course, he's allowed to do that. But I wouldn't hold onto that idea if I were you.

[redbaron007]

...

He woke me up kissing me and said he couldn't resist because I was so beautiful. It made me feel good, one thing led to another and we had sex a couple times. I stayed the night cuddling with him.

You are both sexually attracted to each other and have sex...nothing wrong with that if you're comfortable with it.

 

AFTER we had sex he said he made a mistake and shouldn't have told me that he's not attracted to me and that we'll never be together. He said he can see us giving it a shot when the time is right, that he's excited for this adventure with me, and wants to take it slow so we don't rush and ruin it. I felt like putty in his hands.

He's saying the right things, this time after sex...but only his actions will show his true intent. You'll pretty much get a good sense of it by the time the baby arrives. I would say the jury's still out on this case.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, please be careful here.

 

It's fine to have sex with him if you both are comfortable and want to do so. However, don't make the mistake of assuming this means something more to him. Not yet.

 

Only his actions will tell you that. So far, he knows you like having sex with him and he doesn't need to commit himself for it. Don't let yourself get attached attached at this point.

[DKT3]

This could be a case study on how you get into unhealthy relationships. You have a young woman who tossed away everything for the hot guy, a guy who has no respect for her or desire to be in an actual relationship, her only value to him is below her belt line.

 

She hammers away trying to make it happen, using the only thing he is interested in. He accepts then rejects.

 

Then there is the baby....two possible father's she only acknowledges one, totally discounts the other. For anyone who has ever seen an episode of Maury this is common so confident of one only to hear "you are not the father".

 

This should be required reading for all females 20U

[kailah]

Am I supposed to just leave the ball in his court and wait for him to make a move? He hasn't messaged me or anything. He liked a picture I posted on Facebook, that was somewhat baby related. I want to message him but don't want to do something wrong.

 

This could be a case study on how you get into unhealthy relationships. You have a young woman who tossed away everything for the hot guy, a guy who has no respect for her or desire to be in an actual relationship, her only value to him is below her belt line.

 

She hammers away trying to make it happen, using the only thing he is interested in. He accepts then rejects.

 

Then there is the baby....two possible father's she only acknowledges one, totally discounts the other. For anyone who has ever seen an episode of Maury this is common so confident of one only to hear "you are not the father".

 

This should be required reading for all females 20U

 

I didn't purposely throw everything away for this guy. I didn't go to that party thinking I was going to ruin my relationship. I planned on marrying him, and I miss him. There was no coming back from what I did, and what he would have had to deal with.

 

I didn't discount my ex as the father. It was highly unlikely that he was the father seeing as we didn't have sex since my last period, and it was always protected. Possible? Sure. Anything is possible, but highly unlikely. And I was right, my ex is not the father.

 

And do you really believe what you see on Maury is real? Common. It's a moot point, the DNA test confirmed he's the father. I'm not Maury worthy, I had sex with one guy... I don't think I should be compared to the people who go with 8 men and they are all, "not the father".

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, the bottom line is this: interested men act interested.

 

Liking a picture on Facebook is not showing interest. It shows he was browsing though his feed and clicked a thumbs-up button, which required zero effort.

 

I don't know about you, but I require more than emoji-clicking to confirm a man is interested.

 

You don't need to message him. If he wants to see you, he knows where to find you. Time will tell if he has any sincere interest or if he's coming around for sex.

[kailah]

OP, the bottom line is this: interested men act interested.

 

Liking a picture on Facebook is not showing interest. It shows he was browsing though his feed and clicked a thumbs-up button, which required zero effort.

 

I don't know about you, but I require more than emoji-clicking to confirm a man is interested.

 

You don't need to message him. If he wants to see you, he knows where to find you. Time will tell if he has any sincere interest or if he's coming around for sex.

 

Won't he think I'm not interested if I don't put in an effort to contact him? I guess he knows where I stand. I just don't want to ruin it, if there is anything to ruin.

 

The picture that he liked he chose the heart emoji, and its the first time he's had any sort of presence on my social media. Idk, maybe I'm reading too much into it.

[DKT3]

Am I supposed to just leave the ball in his court and wait for him to make a move? He hasn't messaged me or anything. He liked a picture I posted on Facebook, that was somewhat baby related. I want to message him but don't want to do something wrong.

 

 

 

I didn't purposely throw everything away for this guy. I didn't go to that party thinking I was going to ruin my relationship. I planned on marrying him, and I miss him. There was no coming back from what I did, and what he would have had to deal with.

 

I didn't discount my ex as the father. It was highly unlikely that he was the father seeing as we didn't have sex since my last period, and it was always protected. Possible? Sure. Anything is possible, but highly unlikely. And I was right, my ex is not the father.

 

And do you really believe what you see on Maury is real? Common. It's a moot point, the DNA test confirmed he's the father. I'm not Maury worthy, I had sex with one guy... I don't think I should be compared to the people who go with 8 men and they are all, "not the father".

You miss you ex, the guy you was planning to marry so much that you felt he had no right to be angry, your attitude was "I did it get over it". You miss him so much that you've allowed yourself to become a booty call for a guy you don't even know.

 

What your doing is foolish, very very foolish. You are compounding mistakes. You cheat, get pregnant, then ruined any shot of rebuilding a relationship you claimed you wanted all the while chasing a relationship with a guy who only wants to have sex with you. No way this can end well.

 

My advice, stop chasing this clown, focus on your baby. The likelihood of being together with this guy is null, even if you happen to guilt or pressure him into one, it will be short lived. Your interest is superficial, his interest is azz. Get it together, put your big girl panties on and raise your child.