Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[kailah]

If you can't remember anything then maybe you can't remember having some drinks either. When you do drink, have you got blackout drunk before?

As for telling your boyfriend, if he has anything about him at all then he *will* finish with you. Unless you were drug-raped of course. Alcohol is never, ever an acceptable excuse for being unfaithful.

 

I've never blacked out before. But like I said, I'm not a drinker. A few years ago I was drinking with my boyfriend. I had 3 drinks (just vodka with soda) and we ended up having sex that night for the first time and there are chunks that I don't remember. I stopped drinking after that. So if I drank more or was drinking something stronger it doesn't seem that unlikely.

 

I don't remember having any drinks. I remember going to the party, and seeing my friends go off and enjoy themselves. And I know I was sitting outside by their pool - alone. I was told by 3 people that they saw me sitting there with a guy. One said I definitely had a drink in my hand because she called her brother to DD after that (I was supposed to be DD). And that I was "clearly having fun with him, laughing and flirting".

 

I know alcohol is never an excuse to cheat. I don't want to blame the alcohol or say he must have raped me. I don't want to be one of "those girls" who cries rape. I don't want to press charges when I don't even know what happened. The guy might have done nothing wrong, maybe I did throw myself at him.

 

I'd almost rather have cheated because to myself cheating sounds better than rape. I don't want to be another statistic. But at the same time, I've never been that girl and don't want to be either.

 

I'm pretty sure (almost certain) that my boyfriend is going to propose when we go on vacation soon. I can't let him do that without knowing what happened. But it's so hard to tell him when I don't know what happened.

 

 

 

I'm going to go the pharmacy to get Plan B when it opens in a couple hours. But that's like 85 hours and it says to take it within 72. From what I've read it was perfect timing to get pregnant and that scares the sh*t out of me. I don't want a baby with a stranger, I don't even have his number to contact him. And that would mean I lose my boyfriend and everything we've built for the last 4 years.

 

I called the nurses line but they said the date rape drugs only stay in your body for 12-72 hours and I'm past that line. And that a rape kit has to be done within 72 hours to find sperm. I can have it done but it probably won't show anything. They have to test for HIV again at 6 months and 12 months. That's a really long time to not know...

 

No one ever tells you this stuff, at least no one ever told me. My parents never, ever told me about plan b. All they said about date rape was don't leave your drink sitting around. Sex ed in high school (catholic school) was just about how all the parts work and "saving yourself". To the best of my knowledge, they never talked about rape past "no means no".

 

 

I also second this!

 

Another thing I forgot to mention was not to trust the word of that guy. Think about it. He said he remembered that you "consented" and "enjoyed it" and that you did it twice. However, mysteriously he can't remember if he wore a condom.. seriously?? In the space of a few minutes he was lying to your face to get out of trouble, what else could he be hiding?

 

One more thing to consider, would you normally use protection? You don't have to answer, but just think about it.. is this something you would have agreed to without using protection?

 

You're right. He remembers a lot but not if he wore a condom or not. That makes me automatically think that he didn't and just didn't want to say so. But couldn't he have just said yes he did?

 

I'm not on any form of birth control so when my boyfriend and I have sex he always wears a condom AND pulls out too because we had a condom break before (he hadn't finished yet). We've never gone without a condom. But he's the one that enforces that. I've never had to remind him to. I don't think I'd go without a condom with a stranger but also didn't think I'd ever end up in bed with one either.

 

 

Talk to your boyfriend. He needs to know what has happened. Not only for your and his health and well-being, but it's also possible others saw you with this other guys and word may travel back to your boyfriend. It is better if you have a discussion with him first and relay as much information as you can remember.

 

There were friends of his there. I didn't even think about that... He's been out of town for a few days and we haven't talked much. For all I know he already knows. But I think he'd say something... But obviously we can't do anything because if I caught something I don't want to give it to him.

[Chi townD]

I agree with Average Guy. Throwing around the rape word like it's candy. People automatically assuming that she was date raped. Or that date rape drugs were used.

 

The first sentence the OP said in her first post is that she doesn't get drunk and maybe has been tipsie twice in her life. Therefore, she trying to establish that her drinking isn't normal behavior. Yet, on this night, it caused a problem. she states that she doesn't remember drinking, yet her friends can confirm that she was. To the point that they knew they needed to call another DD to pick them up. Now, I think she needs to talk to her friends and find out what was discussed to make her friends feel comfortable enough to think that it was okay to leave her behind with this guy.

 

Apparently this guy was drinking as well if he can't remember if a condom was used or not. And if he was in THAT bad of a condition that he can't remember if he used a condom, then he shouldn't have been able to consent as well.

 

People make mistakes while drinking. I would just mark this up to a mistake that two drunken people made. This was two people that used poor judgement while drinking. and if you think I'm wrong, then why was he there the next morning? Why would her rapist hang around after the deed was done and she could identify him? If she was drugged, he could have drugged her, got what he wanted off of her and took off. When she woke and the drugs wore off, she wouldn't have had a clue of who she was with and he would have gotten away with it (especially if he wore a condom). Nah, two people that made bad choices while drinking. My point is, too many unanswered questions to just offhandedly call it rape and ruin some guys life. Maybe he's telling the truth and she was the aggressor? Who knows!

 

But, OP, you need to tell your boyfriend. He has a right to know because you can't hide this and put his health at risk because of this. Are you going to lose him over this? Hard to say. But, you do stand a very good chance of that happening. You might have to chalk this up to lessons learned. Sorry you're in this situation.

[kailah]

I got Plan B. The pharmacist said because of how long I waited and my cycle there is a good chance I’ll get pregnant if I was going to…. She said it’s only really effective for the first 72 hours, preferably 12. But they can give it up to 5 days later. She also made me feel stupid and bad with her tone. She made a note for my doctor to schedule a pregnancy test.

 

I talked to one of my friends who was there and she said I was drinking but she doesn’t know how much. She said she saw me talking to two guys, which I don’t really remember but maybe a bit, she doesn’t think I was drinking. Then saw me outside by the pool talking to one of those guys and I was drinking at that point. She called her brother to DD. I remember being at the pool, but being there alone. My friend said I looked fine and was laughing and talking a lot. She said it looked like I was flirting, he was definitely flirting and thought I knew this guy from a class because I looked really comfortable. She didn’t think anything of it because I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years and “we’re pretty much married”. And she was glad I was finally having fun. She said every time she went outside I was still with that guy. When she was going home she said she came up to me and asked if I was going with her (and her brother). I sort of, kind of, remember her asking me that. Apparently I said no I was fine and would take a cab later. She said I was clearly drinking but not falling over drunk. She asked if I knew the guy and apparently I said yes and insisted I was fine. But I’ve never seen him before in my life, she didn’t recognize him. She said he didn’t seem drunk but was drinking and seemed like a nice guy. He told my friend he'd make sure I got home and that he lived across campus.

 

After that I told her that I woke up next to him, naked. And I don’t know if I consented or not. She said she doesn’t know but if she had to guess, it was consensual. She said I was with him for hours and a guy who plans to date rape wouldn’t spend hours with me he’d just drug and go. She saw me with him from around 10-1 (she left at 1). She never saw me kiss him but said we were touching each other a lot. She also said he wouldn’t have stuck around if he raped me because then I could ID him. She said sleeping with a stranger is totally out of character for me, but so is drinking which I was clearly doing.

 

Her idea was to not tell my boyfriend because I don’t know what happened. And if I get pregnant to say it’s my boyfriends, even though it wouldn’t be. I wouldn’t do that though. I don’t know if he’ll leave me from this, but I do know he’d leave me if I had another man’s baby.

 

The guy that I slept with, his reaction in the morning didn’t scream rape. He tried to explain things, knew my name, knew were I lived (must have told him) and offered to go get breakfast. He said I told him I had a boyfriend but regretted jumping into a long term relationship for all 4 years of college. I only ever think that for a second… He offered his number but I just wanted to go home and didn’t take it.

 

My boyfriend is coming home today and I’ll have to talk to him… I’m terrified. All I want is for him to be home and support me and hold me, but I know that he won’t. I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t know if I betrayed him or not. I don’t know what to tell him to think because I don’t even know what to think.

 

I wouldn't report the guy for rape because I don't know if it was or not. I can't make that bad of an accusation when I don't know. I know you aren't supposed to have sex with someone who has been drinking, but he was drinking too. So if there was no drugs involved, just alcohol, I'd be just as bad as him.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Friday evening I went to a party with a couple friends. I'm not a drinker at all and always DD. I'd never even been drunk, tipsy twice. I'm not the kind of person to sleep around either, I've only ever had sex with 1 guy.

 

I remember going to the party but nothing else. I woke up Saturday morning in a random bed with a guy I've never met. I know we had sex because I was sore and he confirmed that we did. He said he remembers everything and I had a blast and that I was "really good" and that we did it twice. My friends said they didn't see me but that I was talking to a couple guys.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm not on birth control, I don't know if he used a condom because he said he couldn't recall. I don't know how to tell my boyfriend because I don't even know what happened or what I did. We've been together for 4 years.

 

This is another HUGE red flag for me.

 

He remembers everything and can recount your amazing experience together but can't remember if he used a condom???

 

Give me a break. Something is very fishy here.

[kailah]

This is another HUGE red flag for me.

 

He remembers everything and can recount your amazing experience together but can't remember if he used a condom???

 

Give me a break. Something is very fishy here.

 

The exact reasoning he gave was he remembered taking one out but didn't remember putting it on and didn't remember getting a different one the second time, but also doesn't remember not using one. He said he doesn't think he pull out and "good thing for birth control hey". I didn't say I'm not on anything, I couldn't get anything out.

[Shining One]

This is another HUGE red flag for me.

 

He remembers everything and can recount your amazing experience together but can't remember if he used a condom???

Memory can be tricky like that... especially when drinking. A few years ago, I ended up in bed with a coworker after we'd both had too much to drink. She remembered some details vividly and didn't recall others at all. Fortunately, one of the things she remembered was that she initiated and how she initiated. She couldn't remember what she did to her underwear and was searching for it the next morning.

[Chi townD]

I would have to go with your assessment. He knew way too much about you to be an incident of date rape. If he used a date rape drug on you, he would have continued with the flirting and small talk until the drugs took affect. But, he knew you're name, where you lived, that you had a boyfriend... it sounds like you two were talking for quite a while getting to know each other. And he probably wouldn't have spoken so openly with your friends.

 

I don't know. Nothing is screaming at me that this was a rape. What is, is a drunken mistake.

[S2B]

Yes, tell the boyfriend.

 

Alcohol does not agree with you and puts you at risk. Do you think you can stay away from drinking entirely?

[kailah]

I would have to go with your assessment. He knew way too much about you to be an incident of date rape. If he used a date rape drug on you, he would have continued with the flirting and small talk until the drugs took affect. But, he knew you're name, where you lived, that you had a boyfriend... it sounds like you two were talking for quite a while getting to know each other. And he probably wouldn't have spoken so openly with your friends.

 

I don't know. Nothing is screaming at me that this was a rape. What is, is a drunken mistake.

 

I think you're right... I wish I could know for sure. But I didn't think rape right after it happened, it didn't even really cross my mind until I came here.

 

Yes, tell the boyfriend.

 

Alcohol does not agree with you and puts you at risk. Do you think you can stay away from drinking entirely?

 

I'm going to tell him today...

 

I didn't plan on drinking at all. I don't remember what got me to drink but I obviously did. I've gone to parties or bars before and didn't drink at all. I guess I'd have to just avoid those situations. Might not have an option if I end up pregnant...

[S2B]

I noticed you didn't really answer...

 

Can you stop drinking entirely? It's wise since it puts you at risk when you drink.

[O'Malley]

None of us can tell you how to feel about what happened. Just my opinion, the circumstances you described sound similar to 'friendly', grooming methods that date rapists tend to employ (using small talk and mild flirting to put you at ease and make you feel more comfortable with the idea being alone with him) and this is why some of the posters here have concerns. That you both *may* have been drinking doesn't mean that you were at the same level of inebriation. If he recalled your conversation and the sex that well (but strangely can't remember if he used a condom), he should also have noticed before or during the sexual act that you were not coherent enough to give genuine consent - focused eye contact, having clear conversations and enthusiastic responses. Also you two likely would have discussed him using a condom (something that is also missing from his narrative). It sounds like his priority the next day was claiming that you had consented, rather than asking if you felt ok or acting awkward in the wake of a hasty sexual encounter.

 

However you want to process what happened and proceed from it, I'd suggest getting additional testing done and steer clear of this guy.

[kailah]

I noticed you didn't really answer...

 

Can you stop drinking entirely? It's wise since it puts you at risk when you drink.

 

Yeah I could. I'm not addicted to it and certainly don't drink often. We rarely even have it in the house. So yes, I could. I'll probably avoid parties and such from now on.

 

It sounds like his priority the next day was claiming that you had consented, rather than asking if you felt ok or acting awkward in the wake of a hasty sexual encounter.

 

However you want to process what happened and proceed from it, I'd suggest getting additional testing done and steer clear of this guy.

 

Not in his defence but to put all the facts out there.... He did ask if I was okay in the morning. A few times. It was like "Are you okay? We had a great time last night, don't worry about it." and "Do you want to talk about it or go grab something to eat. I don't have the best memory but I'll give it a try". But he didn't seem awkward at all, I was the queen of awkward.

 

Won't be hard to stay away from him, since I don't know his number or where he lives or his last name.

[greaterdevil]

Hey OP--

 

You sound like a really good person, in that you plan on honesty with your boyfriend and don't want to make a false rape accusation.

 

I still think it sounds VERY fishy. I am a recovered alcoholic and drug addict, and I have gotten blackout drunk more times than I can count. Like well over a thousand times.

 

The thing is, I have NEVER blacked out before the first drink, meaning that I always remembered at least the first sip. I don't know if I am an anomaly in that regard or not. But the only times I have suffered amnesia in the manner you describe is when taking a drug, sometimes drugs similar to those that date-rapists employ.

 

No matter what, you were too inebriated to consent, but it is possible that the guy you slept with was also drunk and didn't know how bad off you were. I respect your decision not to pursue it further, but I hope that you don't regret it later.

 

I also hope that your boyfriend forgives you, if that's what you want. There are a lot of infidelities that are discussed on this board that would be absolute dealbreakers in my relationship. Indeed, until reading your thread I have thought that any intercourse with another man would result in me leaving my partner. But in your case, I absolutely would forgive, although it would take time to understand and get past the betrayal.

 

I can't even say you made a terrible mistske because I honestly can't comprehend the blackout that you had, which precludes even the first drink aside from your water bottle. This is a long shot, but is the water bottle possibly still in your purse or car, with residue from that night still in it? getting that tested could at least answer the question of wether or not you were drugged. I suspect the police could at least help with that without you having to name anyone.

 

I'm really pulling for you and hope that you and your boyfriend can move past this awful event.

[RecentChange]

OP - have you gone to the pharmacy?

 

Is not too late AND THIS SO IMPORTANT!!!

 

Emergency Contraception Fact Sheet

 

While by law, they have to say to take plan B within 72 hours, it is EFFECTIVE up to 4 days post unprotected sex.

 

Research has shown that the pills in a (PlanB) and b above are equally effective when taken on the first-fourth days after unprotected sex and are ineffective thereafter. ella is equally effective when taken on the first-fifth days.

[kailah]

I still think it sounds VERY fishy. I am a recovered alcoholic and drug addict, and I have gotten blackout drunk more times than I can count. Like well over a thousand times.

 

I also hope that your boyfriend forgives you, if that's what you want.

 

This is a long shot, but is the water bottle possibly still in your purse or car, with residue from that night still in it?

 

Thank you for the insight.

 

I do want him to forgive me, but I don't know how he will. If I don't even know what happened then how can he. I don't know if he'll leave, or stay but hate me for it, or let it go. I don't know what I would do even. I guess I'll know soon since he'll be home very soon.

 

I don't know where that water bottle went. I didn't have it with me in the morning. It was a pretty expensive one so it's not something I would have just abandoned knowingly. I must have forgot it somewhere.

 

 

OP - have you gone to the pharmacy?

 

Is not too late AND THIS SO IMPORTANT!!!

 

Emergency Contraception Fact Sheet

 

While by law, they have to say to take plan B within 72 hours, it is EFFECTIVE up to 4 days post unprotected sex.

 

Yeah (post #28). The pharmacist said it's most effective in the first 12 hours, and up to 72 but they can give it up to 5 days after. She said I waited too long and the sex lined up perfectly with my cycle, but gave me it anyway. I took it this afternoon and I'm really nauseated from it but trying not to throw up.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry OP but I just went through all your posts and you're kind of all over the place with your responses and what you say your friends saw or didn't see or what you remember but not really remember...the whole thing sounds like an ABC After School Special for heaven's sake.

 

Again, I would seriously question your friendships because anyone who claims to be one should be someone who not only knows you but they would have your back and never leave you behind like that. Hell, if it were me, I would have kicked your a** just for drinking when you promised to be the DD then dragged your bruised behind with me home!

 

I'm not necessarily unsympathetic to what you're going through but for someone who claimed to have learned her lesson, who supposedly knows her limit regarding alcohol and is almost always the DD as a result of past experiences with booze, you clearly DID drink and lost control of the situation.

 

Unfortunately you're going to have to pay the piper on this one.

 

Hopefully you've learned your lesson once and for all and realize that you and alcohol do NOT mix well.

Edited May 17, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[GunslingerRoland]

For most people even if they drink too much and black out they still remember the part leading up to having drank too much. The fact you don't even remember starting drinking sounds really suspicious like others have said. Maybe you drank so much that it ruined your whole memory of the night, but that is typically indicative of something other than alcohol in your system.

 

 

If you were drugged though, it seems weird that your friends wouldn't notice.

[kailah]

Well it doesn't matter because he said some pretty nasty things and left.

[smackie9]

This is what happens when a woman gets raped. It's so hard to prove and even if any case gets to court only 14% actually get convinced.

 

You were victimized twice, once by the dude that drugged you and by your BF's point of view.

[smackie9]

BTW it would have mattered whether she had alcohol or not....a drug can be slipped into any kind of drink. This is not her fault. She didn't ask to get raped.

[O'Malley]

Well it doesn't matter because he said some pretty nasty things and left.

 

Sorry to hear that, but if he doesn't believe you, that's for him to come to terms with. I'd focus on your emotional and physical well-being.

[Clay]

This is what happens when a woman gets raped. It's so hard to prove and even if any case gets to court only 14% actually get convinced.

 

You were victimized twice, once by the dude that drugged you and by your BF's point of view.

 

It sounds like the guy that did it might have been just inexperienced at it and she is looking at this like it wasn't a rape at all. I think she needs to go to the cops and get them to investigate this. If it turns out it wasn't rape then so be it but if it was that guy needs to be put in jail.

 

C

[kailah]

I didn't expect him to have no reaction, but did not expect the reaction that I got. He called me a s**t over and over and called me disgusting, screamed and yelled. We've never fought like that and he's never talked to me like that, ever.

 

I told him what I could and he said that I obviously f*cked the guy and it was clearly consensual because of the flirting, hours spent together and that he was still there in the morning. And that alcohol or not you make your own choices and I chose to be there, with him. And that even if I was slipped something sex would have happened anyway.

 

He said I went further with that guy than I ever did with him because he didn't use a condom (maybe) and he came inside me. For my boyfriend (or ex I guess....) it was a big, huge deal that the other guy came in me when he never has and that was the first person to ever.

 

After he left he messaged me this (apologies for any missed cursing):

“Here’s your problem. You idealize sex as this special connection that brings two people together and is special. So now - even if you don’t think so - you are attached to this scumbag all because you f*cked him. You are idealizing him and how he treated you. And if you do fall pregnant, well f*ck it’s only going to get worse. Just because someone plants a baby in you does not mean they are going to stick around or that you’ll ever see them again. You see him as a nice guy that got drunk and made the same mistakes you did and that if you do get pregnant, everything will fall into place. But in reality, oh no. He is a POS who plays mind games to get the girl where he wants her, pumps her with alcohol, f*cks her bareback and dumps his load in her not giving a f*ck about protection, doesn’t give a sh*t about her relationship status, then pretends to be all cozy the next morning. In reality, dumbass, all he wanted was to dump his load in you. That’s it. That’s what you threw this whole relationship away for. A guy who sees you as nothing other than a vessel to f*ck, dump his load and run. He will never be there for you or [if it comes] the child. You mean nothing to him and you never will. And now, you mean nothing to me. Congratulations you just became a complete sl*t, and no one will ever want a sl*t.”

 

To top it all off he made a nasty Facebook post for all of his and my (I was tagged) Facebook friends (AND family, and boss/coworkers) to see.

 

So now I'm out of a relationship, possibly have an std or multiple, possibly pregnant by a stranger, and the whole world knows it. Great.

[basil67]

I've never known anyone who's been blackout drunk to have forgotten even taking the first drink. That said, if you were so altered (date rape drug or alcohol) that you have zero memory of the event, then you were too altered to consent. This was not consensual sex.

 

I can't believe the amount of victim blaming here. That said, there's a few loopholes in the story.

[Keats]

You've really underestimated the fact that - you don't black out after one sip of alcohol.

 

You can't remember even drinking.

 

So its clear you were drugged.

 

Not sure why you've failed to realise or emphasise this one point to others or even yourself? Why are you doing that?

 

Rapists who drug you can also be quite friendly.

 

They will get to know you, wake up with you even, but the drugs are still there to insure their sexual needs are satisfied.

 

Don't give the benefit of doubt to strangers. And even now don't underestimate the mere fact that you and a whole lot of other people do not black out after a single sip of alcohol.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you.