Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[kailah]

I'm sorry, I'm going to try to explain myself/thoughts and situation the best I can. I have a lot on my mind right now and not in the best place.

 

All I have to go on is the tiny snippets I have and what I was told. When my friend saw me up until the point she left, I was fine. If I was given a drug I wouldn't have been fine. I could have been given something after she left but she said I was drinking so maybe I was just really drunk. I hadn't eaten at all that day, I've heard that can make alcohol worse.

 

Maybe he didn't put something in my drink, maybe someone else did and he was the one who "got lucky". Or maybe he did put something in my drink and played it well.

 

Maybe I'd rather be the girl that cheats and sleeps with strangers than the girl that was drugged and raped. Maybe I'd rather have a ONS baby than a rape baby. Maybe I don't want to have the term "rape victim" attached to me the rest of my life or live in fear of it happening again.

 

I don't want to accuse someone of a terrible crime when they might have done nothing wrong. Because I really don't know, and probably never will know.

 

I lost the one thing that really mattered to me. And it feels easier to deal with if he left me because I cheated than he left me because I was raped.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm sorry you are going through all this right now. I can also understand why you don't want that stigma attached to you or to deal with victim blaming/shaming, especially when you can't be sure what happened.

 

It happens more frequently than people want to talk about. There are so many grey areas, "I don't remember, maybe I led him on, he was nice afterwards and acted like nothing happened". "This couldn't have happened, he is my friend, boyfriend, husband etc.." Many people chose to pretend it didn't happen.

 

We don't know what happened, but that doesn't mean you consented. Regardless, you still deserve compassion and support. If you start to feel overwhelmed by everything that is happening I suggest you talk to your doctor or a therapist.

 

In regards to your ex, I think it would be best to keep your distance for now. Understandably he is angry and emotional right now, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with verbal abuse. If he continues to slander you all over social media and send angry messages then you need to stay away from him.

 

I hope that things work out for you.

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

I am sure sorry this is happening to you. I just wanted to let you know that as low as you feel that at the very least you told your BF what happened as far as you know. That took a LOT of courage to do. It would have been worse had he learned this from someone other than you.

 

Those "friends" of your who left you there knowing you were in a long term relationship are no friend of you or your BF. They did you no favors by leaving you there to your own devices if you had been drinking. If I were you I would reconsider those friendships. If indeed they told you that you were flirty would they not have reminded you that you had a boyfriend? Or not? Think about that.

 

Sure his world is blown up right now and it is purely expected he would have a visceral reaction to what you told him. I would suggest you give him a day or two and perhaps he may reach out to you. You have been together the better part of 4 years so it's not as if he was just going to nod his head and say everything was going to be ok. But again, just the same, after a few days he may contact you again when his shock has worn off.

 

One thing your BF was right about was that this guy was trying to get laid, and he succeeded. He only wanted to go to breakfast because he wanted to screw you again. If he could not remember if he used a condom or not I doubt he did. So good for you for getting the Plan B.

 

I myself am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I have over 20 years of sobriety under my belt and I have not only been blackout drunk more times than I care to admit but in many instances I have had little or no memory of events that transpired.And I was a heavy daily drinker and drug user for many years. So I do empathize with you as you are trying to wrack your brain as to what actually happened. I know it's the worst feeling in the world when you just can't remember and things happened that were not good.

[kailah]

I feel like complete crap. I’m scared, and upset, and confused and I just want my boyfriend/ex (guess I’m not ready to say ex…) to be here but he’s not and he probably never will be again. I had someone who I don’t even know but is his friend message me on Facebook to call me a s**t.

 

I feel used and dirty and just want to know what is going to happen with my body and everything else in my life. I’m scared to explain to my friends and my family what is going on now that they have seen his nasty post.

 

He won’t respond to me. His mom even called me but I didn’t answer. I don’t know where to go from here. Everything is crashing down and I have nothing left. It's like I can't breathe.

[Mrin]

I know you're sort of beyond this now but one thing no one has asked is whether you felt hungover the next day. If you had gotten blackout drunk you should have been feeling like edge of death hungover. Were you?

[MrBojangles]

I feel like complete crap. I’m scared, and upset, and confused and I just want my boyfriend/ex (guess I’m not ready to say ex…) to be here but he’s not and he probably never will be again. I had someone who I don’t even know but is his friend message me on Facebook to call me a s**t.

 

I feel used and dirty and just want to know what is going to happen with my body and everything else in my life. I’m scared to explain to my friends and my family what is going on now that they have seen his nasty post.

 

He won’t respond to me. His mom even called me but I didn’t answer. I don’t know where to go from here. Everything is crashing down and I have nothing left. It's like I can't breathe.

 

 

Kailah, there is the possibility that you may have been drugged and was taken advantage of. There is also the possibility that you just had far too much to drink and made a poor decision. But you did the right thing in letting your BF know, and you were honest and truthful with him. I can understand how he must have felt when you told him, and he has every right to be hurt and angry by your disclosure. However, his posting about this on social media is a bit overboard IMO. That move was a bit immature IMO. But realize, he was devastated by your disclosure, and is in unimaginable pain right now. Still, you should not have to put up with abuse and harassment from his friends and family!

 

I'd suggest giving him some space, and some time to process all of this. In the meanwhile, you need to make sure your health is fine, both physically and emotionally. IMO your focus needs to on your own well-being right now. But whatever transpired, you should not tolerate any abuse coming your way from those that might want to judge you. What's done is done. Wise people learn from their mistakes. Regardless of the circumstance surrounding your situation, there is much you can learn from this very sad ordeal.

Edited May 18, 2016 by MrBojangles

[Jabron1]

I know you're sort of beyond this now but one thing no one has asked is whether you felt hungover the next day. If you had gotten blackout drunk you should have been feeling like edge of death hungover. Were you?

 

Also, date rape drugs have really bad effects that last for days.

 

My uncle got spiked when he was on holiday in Spain and it took him about 48 hours to properly recover. Same thing with my (ex)best friend who even ended up in hospital for a couple of days when he was spiked and robbed too.

[kailah]

I know you're sort of beyond this now but one thing no one has asked is whether you felt hungover the next day. If you had gotten blackout drunk you should have been feeling like edge of death hungover. Were you?

 

Also, date rape drugs have really bad effects that last for days.

 

I felt like death until Sunday afternoon. Like I was run over by a buss, having a heart attack, and the worst headache I've ever had. Even light hurt and every noise and every movement. I've never been hung over, so I don't know how to compare. Either way, doesn't matter anymore. Who really matters has his own opinion on it, and that is that I'm a disgusting person who sleeps around.

 

he is in unimaginable pain right now.

 

I am too. But I have to deal with it on my own. He has a whole support system. He was right, from here on out I'm alone.

 

He sent me a message telling me I better figure out where the guy lives because I need to pack my belongings and go.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I feel like complete crap. I’m scared, and upset, and confused and I just want my boyfriend/ex (guess I’m not ready to say ex…) to be here but he’s not and he probably never will be again. I had someone who I don’t even know but is his friend message me on Facebook to call me a s**t.

 

I feel used and dirty and just want to know what is going to happen with my body and everything else in my life. I’m scared to explain to my friends and my family what is going on now that they have seen his nasty post.

 

He won’t respond to me. His mom even called me but I didn’t answer. I don’t know where to go from here. Everything is crashing down and I have nothing left. It's like I can't breathe.

 

Talk to a family member you trust. Don't deal with this alone. Those who love you will support you no matter what.

 

Block anyone who sends you those comments in future. Stay away from social media for now. You don't need to be brought any lower then you already are.

 

You need support.

[Dark Horse]

I'm not gonna lie, if I found out my future girlfriend cheated on me i'd be ****ing furious. I'd probably have a ****ing meltdown. I mean even reading this thread fires me up a little.

 

Sorry OP about your situation.

[kailah]

Talk to a family member you trust. Don't deal with this alone. Those who love you will support you no matter what.

 

Block anyone who sends you those comments in future. Stay away from social media for now. You don't need to be brought any lower then you already are.

 

You need support.

 

I don't think I could possibly be brought any lower. This is worse than rock bottom.

 

I don't know who to lean on, no one will understand and not judge. I just want to die.

[Mrin]

I'm not gonna lie, if I found out my future girlfriend cheated on me i'd be ****ing furious. I'd probably have a ****ing meltdown. I mean even reading this thread fires me up a little.

 

Sorry OP about your situation.

 

Ya, I totally hear you. But if you take everything that the OP is saying as the honest truth, it also goes to show you how someone can cheat inadvertently. I mean I know i've done things when I was drunk that I would NEVER do sober. But I also kinda chalked it up to a "play with fire, you might get burnt" type thing. This doesn't really feel like that, you know?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I don't think I could possibly be brought any lower. This is worse than rock bottom.

 

I don't know who to lean on, no one will understand and not judge. I just want to die.

 

Are you sure? An aunt, cousin or even an older friend who has some life experience?

 

Honestly if there is nobody then you need to find some kind of therapist. You can't bottle this inside.

 

This many be one of the toughest points in your life but it will make you stronger and wiser for the experience. You cannot let this break you. You have to be strong and face it, but don't do it alone. Someone will understand.

 

You will get through this.

[Grape lemon]

I'm sorry OP. It does also sound like to me that you were drugged.

 

I drank a lot from when I was 18-21. I was known as the person in my friend group who drank the most actually.. even still I always remembered the beginning of the night and even snippets of events when I was completely inebriated.

 

My drink was spiked when I was 19 and had no memory of pretty much the whole night. Just waking up on the train with my friends who were helping me get off the train and walk me to the hospital. I felt the effects for a few days after. My point is. You should of remembered at least the beginning of your night.

 

I'm really sorry your boyfriend outed you on Facebook and that he had the audacity to tag you in it aswell so all your family and friends knew. I would deactivate your facebook and find someone to talk to about this.

 

Sorry Hon, you made a lot of mistakes and it's pretty much costed you any chance of proving you were date raped. You should of gone straight to the hospital for a drug screen and rape kit. More importantly, I do not understand why you thought you needed a prescription from the doctor to get the morning after pill and it took you more than 3 days to even get one. I know you said you were raised as a catholic girl.. but you really can't afford to be so naive in life.

[JS84]

Her idea was to not tell my boyfriend because I don’t know what happened. And if I get pregnant to say it’s my boyfriends, even though it wouldn’t be. I wouldn’t do that though.

 

Really classy friend.

[Jabron1]

I'm not gonna lie, if I found out my future girlfriend cheated on me i'd be ****ing furious. I'd probably have a ****ing meltdown. I mean even reading this thread fires me up a little.

 

Sorry OP about your situation.

 

Ya, I totally hear you. But if you take everything that the OP is saying as the honest truth, it also goes to show you how someone can cheat inadvertently. I mean I know i've done things when I was drunk that I would NEVER do sober. But I also kinda chalked it up to a "play with fire, you might get burnt" type thing. This doesn't really feel like that, you know?

 

Got to be honest too, I see where Dark Horse is coming from.

 

If I were the boyfriend, I'd put it down to one of two things: it's either cheating, or rape.

 

If it's rape, I'd want this taken to the police ASAP.

 

If it's not rape, then it's cheating plain and simple.

 

To be fair, your boyfriend hasn't been given the full details of what happened. If you were incapacitated for days, then that isn't drink - you were most certainly drugged. You need to tell your boyfriend the truth and go from there.

[JS84]

I don't know, I think the boyfriend pretty much burned all bridges by outing what happened like that. If there was a chance to maybe work things out and talk about it I think he shot that to **** when he blasted her on facebook to pretty much everyone who knows them.

[Jabron1]

I don't know, I think the boyfriend pretty much burned all bridges by outing what happened like that. If there was a chance to maybe work things out and talk about it I think he shot that to **** when he blasted her on facebook to pretty much everyone who knows them.

 

I've seen people fly off the handle on Facebook over far less than this.

 

It all depends on what he was told.

 

If he was told 'I went to a party, and had unprotected sex with someone else, but I don't remember' then he is obviously going to lose his sh*t. That's a very different conversation than 'I think I might have been raped'.

[JS84]

The problem is she has no idea if she even was raped. It is very possible she just drank too much, blacked out, had sex, and wasn't the wiser until the next morning. Especially if she's not much of a drinker to begin with. It does happen.

[frus69]

The problem is she has no idea if she even was raped. It is very possible she just drank too much, blacked out, had sex

 

That is still rape. Too drunk to consent makes it non-consensual

[Floveet]

Hm .

I am not really familiar with every Date rape drugs has you call them, but I have been using GHB for myself to party and brings some fun.

 

I remember once dosing it too much and I got really messed up.

 

Blackout at some phase but clearly when you are drugged, you CANNOT be able to talk . Like ... At all.

 

You cannot do much beside looking like ****ed up.

 

 

In my opinion, you do remember starting to drink but you are so into your roots that you have selected your memory based on what happened.

 

So unfortunately for you, it seems that you have had much to drink, that you might have been a bit bored of your current boyfriend and it happen.

But you are too young and that's life.

 

Let us know how it get sorted out and keep in mind that if you have ****ed up with your current boyfriend.. Well there will be others.

As long as you learn from your mistakes.

[Lois_Griffin]

Not in his defence but to put all the facts out there.... He did ask if I was okay in the morning. A few times. It was like "Are you okay? We had a great time last night, don't worry about it." and "Do you want to talk about it or go grab something to eat. I don't have the best memory but I'll give it a try". But he didn't seem awkward at all, I was the queen of awkward.

 

Won't be hard to stay away from him, since I don't know his number or where he lives or his last name.

You've done everything wrong.

 

You should have been at a medical facility the next day having your blood drawn to SEE if there were traces of some kind of drug in it.

 

Of COURSE this guy is going to paint a happy picture for you about what a blast you had and how great things were and how HAPPY you were to have sex all night with him. Do you REALLY think he's actually going to tell you (if he DID drug you) that he pulled a fast one on you and had a great time with you while you were passed out all night? Come ON. Jesus.

 

And lastly, I'd be thinking back to that night REAL hard. While you were at the pool, did Romeo bring you a drink and keep bringing you drinks? I'm suspecting that it was he who gave you your first drink and he who gave you the one with the drug in it.

 

Why you want to keep insisting he's a good guy is beyond me.

[Mind-Chants]

Why you want to keep insisting he's a good guy is beyond me.

 

I think it's just her defense mechanism to protect herself from emotional pain during this charged situation that she didn't sleep with a j*** rather a good guy who cared for her.

 

 

I hope you find support with your family and close ones. I am surprised since he tagged you in fb and everybody saw it, then why haven't they reached you ???

 

## Sorry for accusing in case they have reached out.

[Mind-Chants]

Why you want to keep insisting he's a good guy is beyond me.

 

I think it's just her defense mechanism to protect herself from emotional pain during this charged situation that she didn't sleep with a j*** rather a good guy who cared for her.

 

 

@ Kailah: I hope you find support with your family and close ones. I am surprised since he tagged you in fb and everybody saw it, then why haven't they reached you ???

 

## Sorry for accusing in case they have reached out.

[kailah]

I hope you find support with your family and close ones. I am surprised since he tagged you in fb and everybody saw it, then why haven't they reached you ???

 

They have. My brother came over last night and he's staying here with me and my mom called. They aren't good at being supportive though. My brother just says he's going to beat the **** out of my ex. And my mom just says things like "You live and learn" and "Next time you'll know better". It doesn't help.

 

I'm really sorry your boyfriend outed you on Facebook and that he had the audacity to tag you in it aswell so all your family and friends knew. I would deactivate your facebook and find someone to talk to about this.

 

Sorry Hon, you made a lot of mistakes and it's pretty much costed you any chance of proving you were date raped. You should of gone straight to the hospital for a drug screen and rape kit. More importantly, I do not understand why you thought you needed a prescription from the doctor to get the morning after pill and it took you more than 3 days to even get one. I know you said you were raised as a catholic girl.. but you really can't afford to be so naive in life.

 

I'll never know what happened. I hate that but it's true.

 

I closed my Facebook last night. I'm sure he had things to say about that. He accused me of sleeping around then crying rape, and having STD's or being pregnant. That's really, really bad... Now that's what hundreds of people saw and think of me. He has 800 friends on there... My boss, who I have on Facebook, called me and told me to stay home this week to recoup but really she probably just doesn't want me there.

 

I have never gotten the morning after pill, I didn't know. How am I supposed to know? I had never seen it on the shelf and I'm at the pharmacy a lot. My doctor is closed on the weekends and I didn't talk to anyone about it so know I was wrong. I know I made mistakes but I didn't know...

 

To be fair, your boyfriend hasn't been given the full details of what happened. If you were incapacitated for days, then that isn't drink - you were most certainly drugged. You need to tell your boyfriend the truth and go from there.

 

I told him everything that I know. I told him I didn't know if it was consensual or not and how I felt when I woke up and the next day. His response to me being hungover was "Good, you deserved that. Hope it was worth it." He said that whether I was drugged or not I would have had sex with him anyway, and that if I was drugged it's still my fault because I put myself in that situation. I shouldn't have been with the guy and shouldn't have been drinking and should have watched my drink better or not have trusted the guy. So no matter how I say it, it's my fault.

 

I don't know, I think the boyfriend pretty much burned all bridges by outing what happened like that. If there was a chance to maybe work things out and talk about it I think he shot that to **** when he blasted her on facebook to pretty much everyone who knows them.

 

I don't know. Right now all I want is him back. I'd never be able to show my face around his friends and family again. He humiliated me and made a bad situation so much worse. But I miss him and I'm not use to not having him.

 

That is still rape. Too drunk to consent makes it non-consensual

 

But what if he was really drunk too? We can't rape each other...

 

You've done everything wrong.

 

You should have been at a medical facility the next day having your blood drawn to SEE if there were traces of some kind of drug in it.

 

Of COURSE this guy is going to paint a happy picture for you about what a blast you had and how great things were and how HAPPY you were to have sex all night with him. Do you REALLY think he's actually going to tell you (if he DID drug you) that he pulled a fast one on you and had a great time with you while you were passed out all night? Come ON. Jesus.

 

And lastly, I'd be thinking back to that night REAL hard. While you were at the pool, did Romeo bring you a drink and keep bringing you drinks? I'm suspecting that it was he who gave you your first drink and he who gave you the one with the drug in it.

 

I KNOW that I messed up. I didn't think it was rape so I didn't think to go to the hospital. I also felt worse than death and just wanted to be home and sleep. I should have known better - I guess - but I didn't. It didn't seem like what I imagine rape would be. I know I messed up and that it's all my fault, I already feel sh*tty enough about it. You don't have to make me feel worse.

 

Why you want to keep insisting he's a good guy is beyond me.

 

Because if I see him as a nice guy than maybe I won't feel so ****ty about myself. I don't want to have been drugged and raped, a nice guy wouldn't do that. So if he was a nice guy, than I wasn't raped. And feeling like he made the same mistake I did makes me feel better than no, I'm just a complete idiot who isn't good enough for anything other than sex. I want him to be a nice guy so that if I am pregnant he'd be around, even though I have no way to contact him. And that a nice guy wouldn't be riddled with STD's and maybe I won't get anything.