Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[redbaron007]

OP-

 

Keep this simple. Your only priority at this point should be your health and emotional wellbeing. Glad to know your brother and his fiancee are helping out. They are family and will be there for you in the long-term..so will be your true friends.

 

Work with your doctors to ensure you are healthy and disease-free, and with counselors so the right professionals can guide you. Us on the forum can offer you encouragement, but in such a serious situation (I personally think you were drugged), you need professionals to help counsel you. State all the facts to them, and if they advise you to file a police complaint, definitely do so. There is no harm in the police interviewing the suspect, who is innocent until proven guilty. If they are satisfied with the guy's responses, they will not pursue the case. If they find something fishy, they will investigate further.

 

Eat healthy, drink lots of water, exercise, bike or take a walk. Ensure you get good sleep at night, else get your physician to prescribe sleep aids.

 

Fickle friends, random Facebook buddies, ex(es), bosses, these will come and go in your life...don't get hung up on this. Get healthy now, you'll be fine and all of this will blow over....

[bathtub-row]

I'm going to add to this and say that I also think you were date raped. But if your friend perceived you as being ok, then maybe it wasn't date rape. It's my understanding that the date rape drugs basically incapacitate a woman so it seems that your friend would've noticed something that obvious. Maybe you could do some research on this just to ease your mind. It may not prove anything legally but could give you the answers you're looking for.

 

I'm curious, too, if the guy had been that drunk, having sex with you would've been very difficult. I'm not an advocate of abortion but I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I'd do in this case.

 

Btw, your bf's behavior is completely horrid. While I understand him being angry, this is just over the top. What a jerk!

 

I'm just so sorry this happened to you. Despite the reasons for it, you're just a young girl who maybe made some bad choices, maybe not. Either way, this is a big thing to have fallen into your lap. I'm so sorry.

[kailah]

Regarding Plan B, I worked on this drug before it was even on the market. It is just as effective the entire 5 days. Probably even longer. So don't worry that you waited too long. I'm not saying it works all the time, I'm just saying you waiting over 3 days won't decrease it's effectiveness.

 

Maybe it'll be okay then. Between pregnancy, STD's and what people will think, all I do is worry. The pharmacist said it's most effective in the first 12 hours and because the sex was perfect timing with my cycle it "probably won't work".

Edited May 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[RecentChange]

Well the pharmacist is wrong.

 

Walgreen pharmacist are not experts. I really doubt that they have read all of the scientific literature.

 

OP, empower yourself and read some studies, once you see the drug store employee is incorrect, perhaps then you will feel a little less anxiety.

 

My step mom has a doctorate in pharmacy and teaches around the world - let me tell you not all pharmacist are the same, or are as educated. Just like drs they have their specialties, and a drug store position isn't exactly an esteemed one.

 

I am so sorry this has happened

 

I feel for you OP - something like this is a real nightmare to live through.

 

Rape not rape - wherever here is a glimpse into double standards ans the burdens women carry.

 

The guy was able to walk away with zero consequences. And of course he doesn't have to worry about being pregnant

Edited May 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[DreamP]

Maybe it'll be okay then. Between pregnancy, STD's and what the world thinks, all I do is worry. The pharmacist said it's most effective in the first 12 hours and because the sex was perfect timing with my cycle it "probably won't work".

 

The pharmacist is an idiot. I work in continuing education for clinicians and it's scary how misinformed most clinicians are.

 

Quick biology lesson. Plan B works by preventing the fertilized egg from implanting in the uterus. It takes 6 days for the fertilized egg to reach the uterus. So if you can intervene before then, you have a chance to prevent pregnancy. It doesn't matter if it was day 1 or day 5. It's the same mechanism at work. Don't blame yourself for waiting so long. If Plan B fails, it will not be because you waited. It will be because it is not a perfect solution.

Edited May 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[usa1ah]

No, she does remember drinking....

 

and I'll agree that will have to disagree about our stances. I'm not trying to be unsympathetic to what happened to OP. But, I also don't want someone unjustly labeled something that he or she may or may not be.

 

 

No, she was told by her friends that she was drinking.

[Hopeful714]

I'm not understanding how someone sober doesn't recall the first sip of the first alcoholic drink.

 

I'm inclined to think that if she was drugged... it was put in the water. But then again, if it was, I'm not sure how she was able to carry on drinking and flirting with this guy and her friends thinking she was still ok. I would think at this point she'd be passed out but I guess it depends on the drug.

 

Many of the women testifying against Bill Cosby knew they were drugged and have no doubt. OP what do you really think happened to you, you must have some thought on this by now.

[kailah]

I'm not understanding how someone sober doesn't recall the first sip of the first alcoholic drink.

 

I'm inclined to think that if she was drugged... it was put in the water. But then again, if it was, I'm not sure how she was able to carry on drinking and flirting with this guy and her friends thinking she was still ok. I would think at this point she'd be passed out but I guess it depends on the drug.

 

Many of the women testifying against Bill Cosby knew they were drugged and have no doubt. OP what do you really think happened to you, you must have some thought on this by now.

 

I remember bits and pieces. More like chunks. I'll do something or see something or someone will say something and it's like it triggers a memory and it's like an "oh yeah" moment.

 

Based on what I am remembering and what I was told by my friend I don't think I was drugged. I remember playing a drinking game with him and a few other people. I texted one of those people, who is the GF to my ex's friend, and she said I was kissing him. IDK, I think I made mistake after mistake and laid my own bed.

[goldsoundz]

Hi Kailah.

 

Long time lurker, first time poster. Your thread compelled me to make an account, partly due to your story itself, and partly due to some posts by certain members that were at best naive or ignorant, at worst potentially dangerous.

 

Firstly allow me to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you. It's a horrible situation to find yourself in. This post will be long but I hope that at least it helps, or makes things clearer. Please correct me if I'm wrong on any points but I want to rehash a few things from the story and respond to them, as a couple of vocal posters seem to have missed key facts.

 

1. You're not a drinker. It's very rare that you'll have a drink, you've just finished college and you managed to get through your time there without drinking much. You're actually predisposed against drinking due to a family history of alcohol abuse. You went to the party with a water bottle and the intentions of not drinking. You don't remember having any drinks, although people did see you drinking. You don't have any reference point for what a hangover feels like, as someone who has never been drunk enough to experience one.

 

OK. Here is the way drinking works - even as a person with a very low alcohol tolerance you will remember having your first two or three drinks. The 'blackout' phase happens when you are already beyond your tolerance level. Between that it may get patchy; think of it like a lightbulb flickering out - the light will come and go for a bit before disappearing completely. Basically, it doesn't erase your memory of what happened, just what happened during that phase. As such, it seems extremely unusual that you don't remember how or why you had your first drink. Given that you have an established history of not being a drinker and being DD that night, it seems even more unusual for you to suddenly behave so out of character.

 

Coming to the hangover part, you said that you felt

 

Like I was run over by a buss, having a heart attack, and the worst headache I've ever had. Even light hurt and every noise and every movement.

 

A few posters have indicated that it sounds like a hangover. But given the length and intensity of it, it doesn't. I'm guessing you haven't experimented with drugs either but it sounds much more like a comedown. Perhaps a few posters who have experienced both (as I have) will be able to agree here, but a comedown is much more severe than a hangover. The references to the light, noise and movement, the length and intensity in particular gear towards a comedown, rather than an alcohol hangover.

 

Also, why would you start drinking in the first place? You would certainly remember accepting your first drink as you should have been sober at the time. If somebody managed to put something in the water bottle (eg. ecstasy) it could not only account for the memory loss but also the willingness to drink, the touchy-feely flirting and the intense hangover).

 

2. Moving away from the alcohol aspect, lets look at your relationship history. You've been with your boyfriend for four years, and you said that he's the only person who you have ever had sex with. There's no mention of cheating previously, but certainly no sex with anyone else. You have a vacation coming up, where you feel he might propose. You love him. In his fb message to you he says that you

idealize sex as this special connection that brings two people together and is special.

 

Again, based on that, the events of the party are a complete reversal of your usual character. You certainly had no intentions of cheating, or hanging with a stranger all night. Given your views on sex as being something special, it's safe to draw the conclusion that cheating on your partner of 4 years with one-night stand with a stranger who you have just met is definitely not something that you would do. Especially without a condom.

 

3. The other guy. The guy seemed nice, and you were chatting and flirting with him for a while. He told you that you initiated the sex and that you loved it, you both had a great time etc. He also told your friends that he would make sure you got home safely. Your friends said he seemed less drunk than you. He remembered a lot of your personal info. He said that he can't remember whether he used a condom.

 

There are red flags and inconsistencies everywhere here. First off the fact that you remember nothing about him whereas he remembered everything about you indicates that he wasn't particularly drunk. You forget people's names, faces etc who you've met when you're drunk. This was basically evidenced by what your friend said as well about him being less drunk. He also remembered the sex and insisted it was great whereas you don't remember anything.

I understand that there is an argument about two drunk people both being unable to consent, but it shouldn't be raised in this thread because it is clearly not applicable to the situation - because the guy clearly did consent and he remembers the night and enthuses about it. He was still ABLE to consent.

The only thing, conveniently, that he does not remember is whether he used a condom. HUGE RED FLAG. Why does he remember everything else and not this? It's extremely unlikely. But worse, why doesn't he check? If he took out a condom, as he said, then it would still be in the room. Either on the floor or the bin. There would be a used condom wrapper. But he doesn't attempt to look. I think it's fairly safe to assume that no condom was used.

Also, by coming across as a nice guy, he therefore makes it seem less likely that he is capable of doing anything untoward and places himself in a situation where a) things look plausibly consensual and b) in a position of trust where he can, for instance, offer to walk you home...

The guy indicating that he would get you home safely is a classic move from a guy who wants sex. I appreciate that the majority of guys do make sure women get home safe but we always have that hope that we might get invited inside and get lucky.

 

4. Next, your boyfriend. I'm going to say things about him here that you won't like and that you won't agree with at the moment, but they're accurate, trust me.

The guy is a complete POS and you're miles better off without him. I understand that he is hurt but you did the right thing by being honest with him, and this is how he acts.

He called you a sl*t - you aren't. You're a girl who has just finished college and have only slept with one guy; him.

Saying stuff like:

alcohol or not you make your own choices and I chose to be there, with him. And that even if I was slipped something sex would have happened anyway.

and

He said that whether I was drugged or not I would have had sex with him anyway, and that if I was drugged it's still my fault because I put myself in that situation. I shouldn't have been with the guy and shouldn't have been drinking and should have watched my drink better or not have trusted the guy. So no matter how I say it, it's my fault.

 

is frankly disgusting. You're facing the fact that you might have been raped, and he is more upset that your potential rapist probably didn't use a condom when he has had to? He is more concerned with himself losing face than the fact this his girlfriend may have been raped? Is that the kind of person that you want to be in a relationship with?

 

Worse still, in fact, sickening, is the fb status:

 

He accused me of sleeping around then crying rape, and having STD's or being pregnant.

 

What a manipulative f*cking b*stard. You HAVE NOT cried rape. If anything, you've been very reluctant to go there and preferred to take the blame. You've just been honest about not remembering. In publicly broadcasting a lie like this not only does he victim shame, but he makes it more difficult for you to speak about it in public if you eventually come to the conclusion that you were raped. Consequently, people would be less likely to believe you, it would be harder to secure conviction if the police were involved, a potential rapist would walk free and possibly do this to somebody else... behaviour like this is why many women who have suffered rape are scared or unable to come forward, and why most rapists get away with it.

His ranting about you drinking and talking to guys is a sign of manipulation and control. The west likes to criticise other cultures where women must be covered and can't drink etc, but blaming you for drinking and speaking to a guy is pretty much along the same wavelength as those cultures. Drinking or speaking to someone does not entitle strangers to put their dick in you without consent.

Again, your boyfriend is a f*cking pig who would be better off living in Saudi Arabia or somewhere similar. I'd love to get my hands on him. He hasn't stopped to consider for one second that rape is a possibility because he doesn't care. Please, please do not talk to this guy again and do not try to win him back.

You mentioned that he has told you to move out - if it's a shared property then please don't do this out of a sense of guilt. Only do it if it is beneficial to you, otherwise demand that he be the one to move.

 

Lastly, and what I really came here to say; if you do end up coming to the conclusion that it was rape then it wasn't your fault. I can't stress that enough: If it wasn't consensual then it wasn't your fault.

The thing is with sites like loveshack you get a subset of people sometimes who have been hurt by the opposite sex and it has affected their thinking; they have a chip on their shoulder and immediately believe the worst of a person of that gender. Or you get people who don't really grasp the law, or have learnt about gender and relationships through one dimensional, bigoted channels like MRA and PUA forums. Then they'll come in here and shout people down.

The thing is this; these people may believe that something isn't rape because they don't agree with the law, or don't understand it properly. But in the eyes of the law, if a person is unconscious, or too intoxicated to consent, then it is rape.

No guy has the right to sleep with a woman who hasn't consented regardless of how well he knows her, what she's wearing, whether or not she's drunk, whether she has hit on him all night and invited him into her bed to cuddle, or any other scenario where she doesn't or can't consent. The guilt and the burden of the act belongs upon his shoulders - he is the one who has forced it upon her, he is the one who made the decision and took her freedom to choose away. It's really as simple as that.

 

I'll wrap this up now. I'm just really sad that you're in this situation. If you decide that it was consensual then you have at least been honest with your boyfriend and found out what he is really like - you're better without him. If you decide that it wasn't consensual then please, try not to feel guilty about it. There are helplines and websites that can talk you through these issues, even if you go to them initially saying "I don't know whether this was consensual or not?" You'll get help, and of course we're still here on LS. Also it's great that your doctor is setting an appointment for you to speak to anyone.

 

Anyway, stay strong, and keep us updated. Good luck and be well!

Edited May 23, 2016 by goldsoundz

[italianjob]

1. Rape or not?

Well, the only thing that would make this rape anywhere in the world is if you were drugged. But some elements suggest to me it wasn't so: a. you don't seem to believe it; b. witnesses all agree you had been drinking with the guy and played lovey-dovey with him; c. most of all IMO, the guy was there next morning to be recognized by you; if he had used an illegal drug I think he would have been gone by the time you woke up.

If you live in UK or Australia you might sue for rape and win. In these countries, in fact, to be victim of rape you must be penetrated. So if you both were intoxicated (thus unable to give consent), you would be victim of rape on his part, while he could at best try to sue you for sexual assault. Anywhere else, more or less, would bring to a stand still because you both were intoxicated so neither of you could give consent.

 

2. Your boyfriend was an absolute jerk for how he handled the post break up and exposure, by the way putting obstacles in your way if you had a legal handle to proceed with rape accusations.

That said, frankly, I can't say that I blame him for dumping you...

From the way you tell the story, If I were him, I wouldn't have bought the rape hypotesis for a minute, you yourself don't seem to believe it at all from the get go, actually...

I know some may be offended by this but I believe in personal responsibility and I think that if someone goes to a meat market (one of these modern "clubs") without their SO and without a protection network (close friends that will watch my back and prevent me from doing something stupid) and start drinking, then they might not intend for it to happen, but they know that casual sex is in the cards and they are alright with it. So in this I agree with the last sentence of your last post.

 

3. I think there's something missing in your story, you sound like a very very good girl, and your bf does sound like the jealous type. How did you get to be in that "meat market" without a protection network to help you?

[Phoenician]

First of all , I am sorry for what you are through ..

 

From the facts I red; doesn't really look like a date rape ; seem to be a good person , went to a party , to have fun , but you failed to establish a safety net .

 

I don't want to blame you ; but people when they go to such party ; they should be aware that they are entering a red zone

 

Now look at the future , emotionally do you want to consider yourself as a rape victim though you are not and suffer from un-needed pain ?

 

 

You just did a mistake , we are human , we do mistakes ; I advise you do the following :

 

 

1)-Physically:

 

-get accurate health feedback :

 

If I were you , I would talk to the person involved and convince him to go for HIV, STD test ; even if it costs you to borrow the money ; this is more accurate than you go get tested yourself ; because all STDs have incubation period , meaning that they will sleep in your body before getting detcted.

 

-Make sure to follow plan B, Avoid pregnancy , check your Physician .

 

 

 

 

2)-

emotionally , you will feel better if you made the above .

 

-You need now a close person whom you can rely on , who that person can be ?

That person would assist you in above tasks ; because you need also a safety net from that guy , convincing him that you deserve to know the truth about the risks of STDs, if he doesn't cooperate at all , then he can be warned that legal issues could chase him .

 

You and your safety net , should deliver the message to him that all what you want is only

 

 

Huggs to you ,

Edited May 23, 2016 by Phoenician

[aliveagain]

You can think about it until the cows come home but the reality is you did what you did when your boyfriend was away. You put yourself in that position, you could have gone home with your friends, called your own cab, stopped talking to this guy but chose not to and stayed with a guy you just met. He didn't carry you off to his home against your will, you went with him willingly. Everyone there saw you making out with him, your friends should have at least attempted to save you from yourself and pulled you aside and given you a reality check. Your boyfriend just had his first serious dose of infidelity, congratulations, he'll remember you for the rest of his life. He was about to propose to you, probably has the ring on a payment plan but instead comes home to this? Just how did you expect him to react when he discovered his girl of 4 years had unprotected sex a couple of times with some guy she just met and may be pregnant by him? First thing we tell guys that are not married and get cheated on by their girlfriends is run, if they cheat on you before they marry you they will cheat on you after they marry.

 

I think you took little action because you knew deep down that the sex was consensual. Sorry if I come across as hard on you but you need to remember, when your in a relationship with someone and they are not there with you, they expect that you will have their back and protect them. You failed miserably. There are only two real possibilities of how you ended up in another man's bed, you went of your own accord or you were taken against your will. All your boyfriend knows is you didn't file any charges against the other man so you were there of your own free will. Find out why.

[DreamP]

You can think about it until the cows come home but the reality is you did what you did when your boyfriend was away. You put yourself in that position, you could have gone home with your friends, called your own cab, stopped talking to this guy but chose not to and stayed with a guy you just met. He didn't carry you off to his home against your will, you went with him willingly. Everyone there saw you making out with him, your friends should have at least attempted to save you from yourself and pulled you aside and given you a reality check. Your boyfriend just had his first serious dose of infidelity, congratulations, he'll remember you for the rest of his life. He was about to propose to you, probably has the ring on a payment plan but instead comes home to this? Just how did you expect him to react when he discovered his girl of 4 years had unprotected sex a couple of times with some guy she just met and may be pregnant by him? First thing we tell guys that are not married and get cheated on by their girlfriends is run, if they cheat on you before they marry you they will cheat on you after they marry.

 

I think you took little action because you knew deep down that the sex was consensual. Sorry if I come across as hard on you but you need to remember, when your in a relationship with someone and they are not there with you, they expect that you will have their back and protect them. You failed miserably. There are only two real possibilities of how you ended up in another man's bed, you went of your own accord or you were taken against your will. All your boyfriend knows is you didn't file any charges against the other man so you were there of your own free will. Find out why.

 

Can you give the OP a break! What have you accomplished blaming her and making her feel guilty? Is this how you get your jollies? It is clear the OP feels terrible and is suffering. Who are you to judge her? Can you tell me you never did something stupid in your youth. Made a bad decision. Went to a party. Flirted with somebody you shouldn't have. What is that saying about He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her.

[aliveagain]

Can you give the OP a break! What have you accomplished blaming her and making her feel guilty? Is this how you get your jollies? It is clear the OP feels terrible and is suffering. Who are you to judge her? Can you tell me you never did something stupid in your youth. Made a bad decision. Went to a party. Flirted with somebody you shouldn't have. What is that saying about He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her.

 

Not at all this actually happened to me. I had to pick up my ex at 7:00 in the morning on a downtown street corner. She told me she couldn't remember much but she was with two guys and may have had sex with them. She wouldn't allow me to take her to the police station to file charges, didn't want the hassle. Dreamp, this is reality and she needs to find out the why's so it never happens again with this man or any other. Please read the heading again. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life but I take full responsibility for them and if I don't learn from the experience so I never make the same choices again, shame on me.

[DreamP]

Not at all this actually happened to me. I had to pick up my ex at 7:00 in the morning on a downtown street corner. She told me she couldn't remember much but she was with two guys and may have had sex with them. She wouldn't allow me to take her to the police station to file charges, didn't want the hassle. Dreamp, this is reality and she needs to find out the why's so it never happens again with this man or any other. Please read the heading again. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life but I take full responsibility for them and if I don't learn from the experience so I never make the same choices again, shame on me.

 

We can have a separate debate about reporting and rape and all that other stuff. But basically you went off on the OP, blaming her and making her feel bad. Nothing can be accomplished by that. You are not shaking your finger at a 3 year old who threw a tantrum. Don't you think the OP will live with the consequences for the rest of her life. You need to put your personal experience aside and stop projecting it on other situations.

[aliveagain]

Kailah, sorry if I come across hard, I know I do that. I am one of the top people in an international medical company that makes decisions that affect a lot of people. I don't waste a lot of time getting to the point of things. My intent was not to bash you but to get you to the root of what got you where you are now. I know you feel bad, so does your boyfriend, so does your family as does everyone that loves you. Healing doesn't start until you accept that you made a choice, good or bad and then understanding why you allowed yourself the approval. I don't need people telling me about drunken mistakes, I've had enough drunks in my life and I dealt with my drunks. You did the right thing by telling your boyfriend the truth because it appears that enough people saw you with the other man and the chances were high that your boyfriend would have found out sooner or later. He now knows you are honest, you didn't trickle truth him and as bad as things look now they may be different in a month. Get yourself into independent counselling so you don't make the same bad choices in the future.

Edited May 23, 2016 by aliveagain

[kailah]

My ex texted me (he's blocked on everything else, but can't block texts) and said he slept with someone else over the weekend and that he can't believe how much better she was than me and that I might have done him a favor and maybe she'll get my ring. And that if the guy I slept with knows anything about sex he won't ever want to sleep with me again.

 

It still feels like cheating even though we're not together and I did worse. I still feel like he's mine and now someone else had him. I had a lot of trouble with that when we first got together. He slept with around 25 people before me, and for the record, cheated in 6 out of 7 relationships before ours. He didn't cheat on me or the girl before me, she cheated on him though.

 

My family don't know the full extent of what happened. They think I knew the guy that I slept with. I'm too embarrassed to say I didn't know him at all.

 

I know some may be offended by this but I believe in personal responsibility and I think that if someone goes to a meat market (one of these modern "clubs") without their SO and without a protection network (close friends that will watch my back and prevent me from doing something stupid) and start drinking, then they might not intend for it to happen, but they know that casual sex is in the cards and they are alright with it. How did you get to be in that "meat market" without a protection network to help you?

 

It wasn't a club. It was a party at someone's house for the universities graduating class. Most parties I turned down. But I wanted to go to this last one to celebrate finally finishing school with all my friends and classmates.

 

I had no intention to drink and I've never had to have people look out for me to make sure I don't drink. For me it's easy not to drink. I've always been firm in my beliefs that alcohol is not a good habit.

 

You don't remember having any drinks, although people did see you drinking.

 

Also, why would you start drinking in the first place? You would certainly remember accepting your first drink as you should have been sober at the time. If somebody managed to put something in the water bottle (eg. ecstasy) it could not only account for the memory loss but also the willingness to drink, the touchy-feely flirting and the intense hangover).

 

I remember having a first drink, now. But a week ago I didn't. I don't know if that's the alcohol having an effect on me, or my brain just blocking it out. The guy that I slept with asked me if I wanted a drink, I said no I was DD and he said to have just one night to let loose and have a little fun and just call a cab. I said I don't drink and then it was left at that. Then I don't remember anything really. After that I remember talking to him more and feeling like he was sweet-talking me but I don't know why I feel like that because I don't remember it, and getting a drink (myself) and saying "just one", then it's all patchy again.

 

My doctor said they could run a hair drug test next week if I wanted, when they do a pregnancy test and STD test. I don't really know if it's necessary at this point though. He said drugs stay there for 3 months.

 

I remember touching him, his lower region over and under his pants, and it feels so weird, unnatural and gross. Like a bad dream, except it's not. Every time it pops into my head I feel gross. It's not the kind of thing that's acceptable to me. I can't get the image out of my head and can't understand how I let myself get there. I wish I just knew what happened. But I don't want to find the guy and talk to him about it and he might not tell the truth anyway.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.

 

If I were you , I would talk to the person involved and convince him to go for HIV, STD test ; even if it costs you to borrow the money ; this is more accurate than you go get tested yourself ; because all STDs have incubation period , meaning that they will sleep in your body before getting detcted

 

My doctor said that was a better option as well, but I have no way to contact him. I didn't take his phone number and don't know him otherwise. All I know about him is his first name. I could maybe find him on Facebook if I searched through my friends friends or my brothers friends (he went to the same school). But even that's hit or miss and he probably wouldn't respond. I don't really know if I want to contact him. Once I do that I can never take it back.

 

Kailah, sorry if I come across hard, I know I do that.

 

Well it made me cry and feel like more crap, so there's that.

[CarrieT]

My ex texted me (he's blocked on everything else, but can't block texts) and said he slept with someone else over the weekend and that he can't believe how much better she was than me and that I might have done him a favor and maybe she'll get my ring. And that if the guy I slept with knows anything about sex he won't ever want to sleep with me again.

 

You can block phone numbers - which will include texts - so that you don't have to be subjected to this sort of abuse.

 

If not, change your numbers.

[AMJ]

I'm so sorry people here are making you feel even worse. I really think you should get the drug test. Getting some answers may help you find peace. Even though it's difficult to accept that something bad happened to you, at least you will stop blaming yourself.

 

And you shouldn't blame yourself anyway. Honestly even if you weren't drugged that guy took advantage of you. You don't remember what happened and he- and all men- need to realize that they should not even put themselves in situations like this. What that guy did is wrong.

[frus69]

You can think about it until the cows come home but the reality is you did what you did when your boyfriend was away. You put yourself in that position, you could have gone home with your friends, called your own cab, stopped talking to this guy but chose not to and stayed with a guy you just met. He didn't carry you off to his home against your will, you went with him willingly. Everyone there saw you making out with him, your friends should have at least attempted to save you from yourself and pulled you aside and given you a reality check. Your boyfriend just had his first serious dose of infidelity, congratulations, he'll remember you for the rest of his life. He was about to propose to you, probably has the ring on a payment plan but instead comes home to this? Just how did you expect him to react when he discovered his girl of 4 years had unprotected sex a couple of times with some guy she just met and may be pregnant by him? First thing we tell guys that are not married and get cheated on by their girlfriends is run, if they cheat on you before they marry you they will cheat on you after they marry.

 

I think you took little action because you knew deep down that the sex was consensual. Sorry if I come across as hard on you but you need to remember, when your in a relationship with someone and they are not there with you, they expect that you will have their back and protect them. You failed miserably. There are only two real possibilities of how you ended up in another man's bed, you went of your own accord or you were taken against your will. All your boyfriend knows is you didn't file any charges against the other man so you were there of your own free will. Find out why.

Jesus Christ victim blame much? She doesnt drink hence doesn't know how even just a little alcohol can affect her (and turned out it was catastrophic) how do you expect her to know just one drink at a graduate party can lead to a disaster? How do you expect her to "call a cab home" when she was intoxicated(or maybe even drugged)?? She "chose" this, seriously? She was incapable to "choose".

 

 

You had some bad experience driving home some intoxicated ex girlfriend or whatever , doesn't mean OP deserves what has happened, doesn't mean she chose to let all these happen. I don't see how you are in any way trying to help her "get to the root"

[kailah]

You can block phone numbers - which will include texts - so that you don't have to be subjected to this sort of abuse.

 

If not, change your numbers.

 

I'll have to look into it more. I tried but all I could find was that I can block incoming calls but not incoming texts. I'll go in to my provider and see if they can do anything or maybe there is an app.

 

I'd rather not change my # for a couple reasons. Mostly for work reasons and what was on the resumes and university letters that went out. Partly for a small glimmer of stupidity that maybe the guy has my # and will contact me.

[aliveagain]

Jesus Christ victim blame much? She doesnt drink hence doesn't know how even just a little alcohol can affect her (and turned out it was catastrophic) how do you expect her to know just one drink at a graduate party can lead to a disaster? How do you expect her to "call a cab home" when she was intoxicated(or maybe even drugged)?? She "chose" this, seriously? She was incapable to "choose".

 

 

You had some bad experience driving home some intoxicated ex girlfriend or whatever , doesn't mean OP deserves what has happened, doesn't mean she chose to let all these happen. I don't see how you are in any way trying to help her "get to the root"

 

This will be my last post on this thread and will say my last little bit. You can choose to use the information or not, it won't change anything in my life. You seem to have convenient reasons for not doing things that are in your best interest. For instance, playing drinking games when you don't drink. Staying when your friends left, making out with a guy you don't even know(your own words, people saw you kissing him, you put your hands inside his pants, you went home with him and banged him twice). You now remember having your first drink yet everyone saw you walking around with a drink all night, and yes you were playing a drinking game in which people get really, really drunk doing. You didn't know what shelf the morning after pill was located on so you didn't get it yet you never thought to ask the pharmacist. When you do talk to the pharmacist you still don't get it because he told you that it may not be effective because your 10 hours past the recommended effective time. You don't report it to the police because your not sure if it was or it wasn't consensual sex and when your own doctor recommends he test your hair for any trace of the date drug(they can last in your hair for up to three months) you tell him why bother now.

 

Why bother, finding the drug in your system may help save your relationship. It may help the police take a nasty rapist off the streets and put him in jail where he belongs. Just my opinion but being told it isn't your fault isn't helping your situation. Taking action is what your boyfriend/family/friends want to see including that you are getting the help you need to deal with this from the sources that are available to you. If you were my daughter the last thing I would recommend is you going ahead with the pregnancy if you are, and I love children but I think your life is messed enough without that additional burden. You want your boyfriend back but haven't taken any actions that say you do. I really hope things work out for you, just don't make things worse then they are. Take care of yourself.

[JS84]

To be honest your boyfriend sounds like a douche bag anyway. I don't think you're losing much. Might be a good idea to hang around a better group of friends also who will actually have your back when they see you making a series of bad decisions. Who needs friends like that?

[DreamP]

kailah, I really hope you ignore everything that aliveagain has said. I would spend the time ripping apart what he has said, but it is quite pointless. Most likely he isn't even reading this post anymore. It is clear he has his own unresolved issues that he is projecting in your situation. Don't beat yourself up over this.

[RecentChange]

 

Just a crummy situation. I agree with others, your ex is being CRULE. You don't treat someone you live like the way he has treated you. He has shown his true colors, better now than 10 years down the road.

 

And yeah, the friends....part of me wants to give them benefit of the doubt, you usually don't drink, so maybe they didn't think to keep an eye on you - but saying that they saw you drinking and making out - and said nothing?

 

I used to party.... and part of that was "herding cats" making sure my friends were still with me, and safe, and not being drug off to the bushes by some random, or puking in a corner. I had their back, and on the rare occasion when I went over my limit, they had mine.