Trying to work it out [updated 2017-03-17]

[bathtub-row]

Sweetie, I'm just so sorry that you're going through this. I'm glad that you remember this as a consensual situation because I would hate to think you had been drugged and raped. I hope that, in time, you'll come to be more forgiving of yourself. Lots of people have done what you did and didn't have to pay the very high price you're paying. You have made the decision to have the baby so you're going to need to come to terms with the situation as best you can.

 

One question -- is there any possibility that the baby is your ex bf's? If not, then you would be better off telling the guy. As someone else pointed out, there are lots of reasons for this. For now, give yourself time to absorb all of this. It's a lot to take in.

 

As far as your ex bad is concerned, a lot of forgiveness is required on both ends. While I understand him being angry about what you did, the public humiliation would be very hard to overlook. If you have doubts about fully ending things with him, then maybe the two of you can meet and talk and try to slowly rebuild things -- or see if that's even possible.

 

My thoughts are with you. I hope you'll stay in touch on this site.

[CarrieT]

What do I do if he doesn't get the message or doesn't bother to message back so we can talk? Do I just straight out say "I'm pregnant" or ask to meet and talk? The cautious side of me says don't meet with someone you don't know but I may have to get to know him.

 

You hire a lawyer and sue for child support.

[Tribble]

I've stayed away from this threat due to the debate that popped up and I don't have any direct experience with what you're going through.

 

But I did want to message and say how much I admire you OP. No matter what happened or how it happened, how you are dealing with the s**tstorm that has come your way is impressive. You did something so out of character and you don't really remember so it's very difficult to know what happened and who's to blame (if anyone is to blame) but didn't try to shirk your responsibility in the matter. You told your bf. And you're stepping up now. I also would be cautious with your bf. He was hurt and I can't even begin to imagine how he felt but he went public immediately and, like you said, intentionally hurt you. That was out of line. But I understand how he's your known, your comfort. Just give yourself time to process before you do anything.

 

 

And finding out you're pregnant. I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me but you're dealing. Seriously, so much respect for you! I know earlier in the thread lots of people were saying you should abort. I wanted to say you need to take time and really consider all of your options. And you have! Whatever decision you make will stay with you and you're the one who will have to live with it, no-one here. As you're moving away from abortion (which I completely understand. I'm pro-abortion but I'm not sure I could do it myself), take care of yourself. Eat healthy, take your vitamins, do a little exercise, get plenty of sleep. You need to prepare.

 

 

In terms of telling the guy, he deserves to know. What he does with the information is up to him. Having sex comes with risk, this is one of them.

 

 

Sorry, that turned into an essay. But really, well done to you and keep it up going forward!

[elaine567]

You hire a lawyer and sue for child support.

Exactly. You find out as much as you can about this guy before you tell him you are pregnant.

You find out where he studies, where he works where he lives where his parents live etc. etc. so even if he does do a disappearing act on you, you have something to go on. Keep copies of the pics of him from his FB page.

Child support is important to you and your child, it may be the only thing putting food on your table, you don't know how things will pan out in the future, so get your ducks in a row.

[salparadise]

Kailah, I just want to commend you for using good judgement, being an honorable person, and to offer a few words of support... which is about the best we can do at this point.

 

I participated early in the thread but quit reading because of those who tried to convince you that it was rape and wouldn't let it go. It would've been so easy for you to jump on that angle and try to absolve yourself of responsibility by shifting it onto the guy (who made the same mistake as you), taking the role of victim and ruining his life by turning him into a perp/victim. You have the awareness, judgement and decency not to do that and it is admirable, esp. given the circumstances. You asked your friends what they observed and remained rational. I have a lot of respect for you.

 

The guy has a right to know if you've decided not to terminate. It may not be as easy as sending an email, but you can identify him through your network of friends and/or social media. You know what the options are and I'm sure you will do what's right regardless. He has rights and responsibilities if you decide to raise the child yourself. Developing an amicable, cooperative relationship with him will probably be best for everyone if he chooses to embrace his responsibilities too.

 

The boyfriend... nobody can tell you what to do. You're right to take things slow and see what transpires. If the two of you decide to try and salvage the relationship you will both have to heal and let go of a lot of hurt. It's good that he calmed down and came to his senses, but what a shame that he was so vindictive initially and did so much damage. Only time will tell what is possible, even if the intention is good.

 

I am sorry the consequences turned out to be so severe. This is a mistake that many, many people have made, so don't be too hard on yourself. Don't dwell on the what ifs. Keep on making good, rational decisions, acting with integrity, and exhibiting good character as you have done thus far. You have the resources to make the best of things regardless. Accept the love and support from family and friends and enlist additional support (counseling, etc.) as needed.

 

Wishing you all the best in whatever choices you decide are right for you!

Edited June 1, 2016 by salparadise

[DreamP]

What do I do if he doesn't get the message or doesn't bother to message back so we can talk? Do I just straight out say "I'm pregnant" or ask to meet and talk? The cautious side of me says don't meet with someone you don't know but I may have to get to know him.

 

You know his full name (via FB) and you know which school he goes to. Try the FB message route. Also, try to email him. I am guessing you have access to the school directory. Look up his email. If not, you can probably guess it. Most places have first initial last name @ university.edu. I'm sure your university has some similar formula. If that doesn't work, you start asking around. Tell people that you need to get in touch with him. Usually somebody knows somebody who knows somebody, etc. Worst case scenario, you go to his department and leave a message for him.

 

Ask to meet. Maybe take a trusted friend/family member with you. And you might as well be straight forward and tell him the truth.

 

If you decide to go through with the pregnancy, which sounds like you are leaning towards, it no longer is what you want anymore. Having kids means you make decisions based on what is best for them. A child has the right to know who their father is. This man has the right to know if he is having a child. Sadly, even though this feels like a private issue, if you decide to keep the pregnancy, it will no longer be a private issue. All decisions moving forward will have to involve other people in your life, most likely including this guy. However, the decision to terminate or go forward with the pregnancy is entirely your decision.

 

First you need to decide what you want to do. If you do want to go ahead with the pregnancy, then you must contact this guy. Take it one step at a time. Many people have been in your situation and people will continue to be so. You can make it through this. Be strong. Many folks on this forum are thinking about you.

[kailah]

One question -- is there any possibility that the baby is your ex bf's? If not, then you would be better off telling the guy. As someone else pointed out, there are lots of reasons for this. For now, give yourself time to absorb all of this. It's a lot to take in.

 

As far as your ex bf is concerned, a lot of forgiveness is required on both ends. While I understand him being angry about what you did, the public humiliation would be very hard to overlook. If you have doubts about fully ending things with him, then maybe the two of you can meet and talk and try to slowly rebuild things -- or see if that's even possible.

 

I don't think it's my ex's. He always used a condom and pulled out as well. And the last time we had sex was the day my period started. I asked the doctor about that and he said it's highly unlikely but anything is possible. But I try not to even think about that because I don't want to get my hopes up that it could maybe, possibly, somehow be my ex's. I'd rather than, even if we stay broken up, than a random guy.

 

I don't know if either of us could get over what the other person did. And we would both have to deal with his decision to publicly humiliate. All his friends and family know what I did, and I don't know how I would face them. But at the same time, all my close friends and family are infuriated with him at what he did.

 

It's a lot to deal with right now. I don't know if I can handle trying to work things out with him, being pregnant and trying to make some sort of parenting relationship with the other guy.

 

You hire a lawyer and sue for child support.

 

This may sound stupid but I don't know if I would. Financially I can support myself and a child. I was lucky enough that my parents paid for my education and residence in full and will continue to do so until I finish. I have been working all through university and saved a lot, and still continuing to work. Once I finish my masters, though it will probably take longer, I'll be making close to 6 figures when I walk out the door. Financially, I'd be fine.

 

I will still make every attempt to tell him that I'm pregnant. But if he decides he doesn't want to be involved, I think he should be able to completely step out of the picture. If he wants to.

 

Maybe that's wrong and I should make him step up. But I don't feel like it's fair to possibly ruin his financial life when I don't need it. If I did have to get child support, I think I'd rather it go into an RESP for school way down the line.

 

Exactly. You find out as much as you can about this guy before you tell him you are pregnant.

You find out where he studies, where he works where he lives where his parents live etc. etc. so even if he does do a disappearing act on you, you have something to go on. Keep copies of the pics of him from his FB page.

Child support is important to you and your child, it may be the only thing putting food on your table, you don't know how things will pan out in the future, so get your ducks in a row.

 

You're right to make sure I have information first. If for anything, just so I know who he is when questions get asked down the road.

 

You know his full name (via FB) and you know which school he goes to. Try the FB message route. Also, try to email him. I am guessing you have access to the school directory. Look up his email. If not, you can probably guess it. Most places have first initial last name @ university.edu. I'm sure your university has some similar formula. If that doesn't work, you start asking around. Tell people that you need to get in touch with him. Usually somebody knows somebody who knows somebody, etc. Worst case scenario, you go to his department and leave a message for him.

 

Ask to meet. Maybe take a trusted friend/family member with you. And you might as well be straight forward and tell him the truth.

 

I accessed the school directory and found his email. I'm going to try sending an email and Facebook message. If he will meet with me, it's a good idea to have someone there.

 

I know that every decision I have to make from here on out have to be in the best interest of the baby. I wish it was easier to know if I'm making the right choices or not.

 

I still haven't told my parents that I don't know the guy at all. They still think I knew him as a friend. I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be able to tell them that I don't actually know him. They are already so disappointed and gave the "I thought we raised you better" speech. Can't imagine what they would say if they knew he was a total stranger. My brother knows that I don't know him, but he understood because he's closer to my age and he went through the "bang anything that moves" phase.

 

I'm going to try and come up with an email and message to send him to try and get him to meet with me so that we can talk. I'm so nervous to do it.

 

I appreciate the help that I get on this forum. It's easier to vent and think here than it is with friends or family.

[italianjob]

If you decide to carry the child to term:

 

A) He deserves to know he has spawned a child - regardless if you and he have any type of continuing relationship (beyond parenting).

 

B) He should be held accountable, at least for financial reasons!

 

C) Your child may want to have a relationship with his/her father.

 

D) Your child might NEED to have a relationship if only to understand potentially critical medical history.

 

You hire a lawyer and sue for child support.

 

I strongly agree with both this posts.

 

Even if it was not rape he is still as responsible as you for the sex and for the child that results from it.

 

He is financially responsible for the baby under every aspect. Even if you decided to abort he needs to parecipate in the costs.

 

Don't carry this cross on your own out of pride

[kailah]

I re-activated my Facebook profile so I could message him, just saying I want to meet up and talk. He responded quickly and said

 

"Hey. Look... I had a great time and all but I'd rather just leave it at that. Hooking up isn't my usual thing and I don't particularly want to do it again. Things escalated further than I anticipated. I had fun, but I'd like to leave it at that. I'm not looking to pursue any type of relationship."

 

I said I just wanted to talk to him about something, that I wasn't looking to hook up. He read it but hasn't responded. I feel like I'm going to puke.

Edited June 1, 2016 by kailah

[JoeSmith357-1]

I re-activated my Facebook profile so I could message him, just saying I want to meet up and talk. He responded quickly and said

 

"Hey. Look... I had a great time and all but I'd rather just leave it at that. Hooking up isn't my usual thing and I don't particularly want to do it again. Things escalated further than I anticipated. I had fun, but I'd like to leave it at that. I'm not looking to pursue any type of relationship."

 

I said I just wanted to talk to him about something, that I wasn't looking to hook up. He read it but hasn't responded. I feel like I'm going to puke.

 

Not sure what you expected, you didn't give him any information.

 

Also, yeah, he's responsible financially for the child, but let me give you some insight into the logistics of the situation:

- he's a college student

- probably broke, probably no job

- probably has no interest in being a father

 

So don't expect a dime financially from him. Probably ever.

 

I can't see any circumstance where keeping this child would be the best thing for it.

 

If you are against abortion, that is truly your call, but there are other options. Keep an open mind and think about your future, having a kid at your point in life what that would do to both you and the child. To say it's less than ideal would be a GROSS UNDERSTATEMENT.

[italianjob]

While I DO think that you should give a better consideration at abortion, I would not advise you to give up on calling the guy to his responsibilities.

 

Talk to a lawyer and take him to court if necessary, I think there are very few places in the world where a guy can just get you pregnant and walk away and have the law by his side.

 

It doesn't matter if he's broke NOW, he would be responsible for child support for 18 years and in most countries you can have him comply with a DNA test, so letting him just go is very bad advice, IMO.

[kailah]

Not sure what you expected, you didn't give him any information.

 

Also, yeah, he's responsible financially for the child, but let me give you some insight into the logistics of the situation:

- he's a college student

- probably broke, probably no job

- probably has no interest in being a father

 

So don't expect a dime financially from him. Probably ever.

 

I didn't want to just straight out say "Hey, I'm pregnant and keeping the baby". I was hoping he would be open to meeting with me to talk so I could tell him in person. It's not really something that should be said over facebook, IMO.

 

After he messaged back I said "I'm not looking for a relationship either. I just want to talk to you. It's important." Maybe I'll have to just tell him via messenger.

 

I know that he probably won't want anything to do with me. I can wish all I want, but the reality is I was just a ONS that was apparently a mistake that wasn't supposed to happen and he doesn't want to see again.

 

At this point I am set in my decision to have the baby. Abortion is not something that I can do. I wanted to have that clear choice before I talked to him. So I can tell him that I've made the decision and he's not sitting around wondering if I'll terminate or not.

[JoeSmith357-1]

While I DO think that you should give a better consideration at abortion, I would not advise you to give up on calling the guy to his responsibilities.

 

Talk to a lawyer and take him to court if necessary, I think there are very few places in the world where a guy can just get you pregnant and walk away and have the law by his side.

 

It doesn't matter if he's broke NOW, he would be responsible for child support for 18 years and in most countries you can have him comply with a DNA test, so letting him just go is very bad advice, IMO.

 

First things first, she shouldnt keep the baby, let's get that out there.

 

I think, despite what a lot of people might say, they both are responsible here.

 

A judge assesses child support based on income. There is none. They can't garnish non-existent wages, nor can they go after his parents. Likely she can't hire a lawyer, so not sure what exactly the end game is here.

 

All reasons why bringing this child into the world probably isnt the best idea.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I didn't want to just straight out say "Hey, I'm pregnant and keeping the baby". I was hoping he would be open to meeting with me to talk so I could tell him in person. It's not really something that should be said over facebook, IMO.

 

After he messaged back I said "I'm not looking for a relationship either. I just want to talk to you. It's important." Maybe I'll have to just tell him via messenger.

 

I know that he probably won't want anything to do with me. I can wish all I want, but the reality is I was just a ONS that was apparently a mistake that wasn't supposed to happen and he doesn't want to see again.

 

At this point I am set in my decision to have the baby. Abortion is not something that I can do. I wanted to have that clear choice before I talked to him. So I can tell him that I've made the decision and he's not sitting around wondering if I'll terminate or not.

 

How exactly are you going to support the child?

[SammySammy]

I support your decision to not have an abortion. I'm not a woman, but I can respect what's deemed to be an easy decision for some may not be for other women. Do what you feel is best because none of us can really know what is right for you.

 

However, if you decide to have the child, I agree with Carrie T in that the father deserves to know. He should at least have an opportunity to be involved in his child's life. And the child have the opportunity to know his or her father.

[DreamP]

At this point I am set in my decision to have the baby. Abortion is not something that I can do. I wanted to have that clear choice before I talked to him. So I can tell him that I've made the decision and he's not sitting around wondering if I'll terminate or not.

 

You've made a choice and that is the first step. Although the pregnancy was a result of bad choices, you have been very level headed in how you are handling this. Hey, half of all pregnancies in the US are unplanned, so you are not alone. Your plan on how to tell the guy is also a good one. If you don't need financial assistance, that is great. But do try to keep him in your life. A child will want to know their father, even if it isn't a close relationship.

 

Good luck.

[kailah]

How exactly are you going to support the child?

 

Refer to post #212.

 

I have no student debt, my parents paid for all my school and residence costs. I have been working all through university, for the past 4 years, and save almost all of the income I made. I am not broke. When I finish my Masters (2 years) I will be making $85-90K to start.

 

You've made a choice and that is the first step. Although the pregnancy was a result of bad choices, you have been very level headed in how you are handling this. Hey, half of all pregnancies in the US are unplanned, so you are not alone. Your plan on how to tell the guy is also a good one. If you don't need financial assistance, that is great. But do try to keep him in your life. A child will want to know their father, even if it isn't a close relationship.

 

Good luck.

 

I know that if he chooses not to be involved that I need to try to keep in my life at least enough to answer questions as they come up. I don't know how easy that will be, especially if he doesn't want to be in my life. But I will try.

 

If you decide to have the child, I agree with Carrie T in that the father deserves to know. He should at least have an opportunity to be involved in his child's life. And the child have the opportunity to know his or her father.

 

I'm trying to tell him. He has read but ignored my request to meet at talk. He's typed started typing something a couple times but hasn't sent anything back. I am going to tell him though, either way.

[bathtub-row]

There's nothing written in stone that says you have to get the guy to pay child support. That's totally your call. If he stays out of the child's life, then it's not relevant I suppose. It's sad for the child though to never know his/her father. Still, your call all the way around.

 

I think the guy probably suspects something now that you've told him you're not looking to hook up. If he doesn't respond, then just send him another message and tell him what has happened, what your decisions are, etc. That way, he can't say he wasn't told. I think you're right that it's unlikely that the child is your ex bf's but I would get a paternity test done after the baby is born so that you're 100% certain. The guy is probably going to require it anyway.

 

I'm sorry he was so cold, and that he assumed you were wanting to hook up. And I agree with the others here -- you are handling things very well, even in the face of all of this. You're admirable.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Refer to post #212.

 

I have no student debt, my parents paid for all my school and residence costs. I have been working all through university, for the past 4 years, and save almost all of the income I made. I am not broke. When I finish my Masters (2 years) I will be making $85-90K to start.

 

Most people who quite college never end up finishing. You will not be able to have the child and stay going to class. You realize the first year you get almost no sleep. And between feeding, changing diapers and napping between feedings, you will have no time to attend class, let alone study.

 

Who is going to watch the infant while you are in class, who is going to "parent" when you are at work.

 

Oh, and the job, not many people start out making $90k. Not many people get decent jobs at all straight out of college. Especially these days.

 

I'm just sharing some real world perspective with you as someone who has been through it. Depending how much money you have saved up, just the cost to have the birth will be crippling, do you have insurance?

 

You obviously have the answers, good luck. I'm just saying look at all the angles.

[kailah]

Most people who quite college never end up finishing. You will not be able to have the child and stay going to class. You realize the first year you get almost no sleep. And between feeding, changing diapers and napping between feedings, you will have no time to attend class, let alone study.

 

Who is going to watch the infant while you are in class, who is going to "parent" when you are at work.

 

Oh, and the job, not many people start out making $90k. Not many people get decent jobs at all straight out of college. Especially these days.

 

I'm just sharing some real world perspective with you as someone who has been through it. Depending how much money you have saved up, just the cost to have the birth will be crippling, do you have insurance?

 

You obviously have the answers, good luck. I'm just saying look at all the angles.

 

Trust me, I have talked a lot with my parents and pregnancy counselors. I am not jumping in on a whim or crossing my fingers and hoping it all works out.

 

I don't live in the US. We don't pay for hospital bills like that. I'm eligible for a year off of work, paid. Between the income from that and the 4 years income I have saved it's more than enough. I can switch to online classes if I need to or take time off, that will allow for more flexibility. I can take longer to graduate if I need to.

 

After the first year the baby would go to daycare during the day. Daycare in my city is subsidized. I've called them already, I'd pay nothing while I'm in school.

 

The job I have right now is not demanding so I can work easily through pregnancy. When I'm done school I am pretty much guaranteed a job. The specific job I'm going for is in high demand and the program doesn't put enough students out. It's going to be high demand for a long time. I chose my career carefully.

 

Is it going to be easy? No. I never said that it would be. I know that it's going to be very hard. But it's the choice I've made.

 

There's nothing written in stone that says you have to get the guy to pay child support. That's totally your call. If he stays out of the child's life, then it's not relevant I suppose. It's sad for the child though to never know his/her father. Still, your call all the way around.

 

I think the guy probably suspects something now that you've told him you're not looking to hook up. If he doesn't respond, then just send him another message and tell him what has happened, what your decisions are, etc. That way, he can't say he wasn't told. I think you're right that it's unlikely that the child is your ex bf's but I would get a paternity test done after the baby is born so that you're 100% certain. The guy is probably going to require it anyway.

 

I'm sorry he was so cold, and that he assumed you were wanting to hook up. And I agree with the others here -- you are handling things very well, even in the face of all of this. You're admirable.

 

I'm trying really hard to handle things maturely. I'd prefer he's around. I guess I just have to come right out and tell him because he doesn't seem to want to message back. I'm guessing he is assuming something is up. Could be pregnancy, could be STD related. Or I'm just a crazy person who expects a relationship after a ONS.

 

When he said "Hooking up isn't my usual thing" it makes me wonder if maybe he closer to my position of never hooking up than the vision I had of him hooking up with people all the time and I was just another lay.

[Space Ritual]

Kailah,

 

Just wanted to let you know that even though you are apprehensive about contacting this guy on FB that you can actually send a direct message to his inbox which he will be able to read for $1 USD. So you can contact him should you feel the need to do so as FB has read receipts.

 

Sure sorry this happened to you I am sure this was not how you wanted to spend your summer.

 

Also as with any advice given here, take what you need and leave the rest. As you have been able to tell, these threads seem to take a life of their own and devolve quite quickly into people into side arguments that tend to send the threads off course.

I am just as guilty of it as anyone else here so I am not without culpability in that regard from time to time. lol

 

It happens a lot but people are simply projecting their own experiences so while the Lion's share of the advice on this thread was given with the best of intentions, you can easily separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.

 

Good Luck.

[Poutrew]

You know Kailah, the more I read your story, the more I am seeing fate in it. People in the Middle East call it kismet. Perhaps you were not meant to be with your old boyfriend. From what you have posted, the new guy actually sounds likeable. Perhaps once he gets over the shock of being a daddy, he will step up to the plate, and who knows, he and you might just form a stable relationship and who knows where that could lead? My grandpa actually kidnapped my grandma on her wedding day (long story) and married her. He was arrested and put into jail. The judge led her into a room off the main court and asked her what she would do if he put my gramps in prison. She told him that she would go to jail too. The judge threw out the case, and the rest, as they say, is history. So, I would tell you that crazier stuff has happened, and perhaps it makes no sense to you right now because you can not see the big picture (no human could because we are 3 dimensional, limited creatures), but that it will make sense in the fullness of time. I think you should give the new boy an honest chance to show you what he is made of - you might be surprised. I know that if it were me, I would actually be happy and excited, after I got over the shock. I would definitely want to be in both yours and the kids life...I am sure that I am not the only man who feels that way.

Edited June 1, 2016 by Poutrew

[smackie9]

Adoption is another option.......

[kendahke]

If OP was drugged she would have been extremely ill the next day, like unable to get out of bed ill. It's a side effect of all date rape drugs. I have been drugged twice and luckily with friends who were able to take care of me. OP would know without a doubt if she was drugged.

 

She did say this. POst #58, or didn't you read before judging:

I felt like death until Sunday afternoon. Like I was run over by a buss, having a heart attack, and the worst headache I've ever had. Even light hurt and every noise and every movement. I've never been hung over, so I don't know how to compare.

 

Please stop saying she was raped because she drank too much. There is more to the story we aren't getting I suspect.

 

She was raped because she was drugged.

 

How heartless to be so quick to play the blame shame game.

 

Your suspicions are really not that important here.

Edited June 1, 2016 by kendahke

[Poutrew]

She did say this. POst #58, or didn't you read before judging:

 

 

 

 

She was raped because she was drugged.

 

How heartless to be so quick to play the blame shame game.

 

Your suspicions are really not that important here.

 

 

Umm...she has since said the tests ran by her doctor showed no drugs in her system.