Responsibility for a sick person you once loved - what to do?

[sleeplessindallas]

Four years ago, I started dating a very, very sweet, drop-dead gorgeous man. I knew he had had some medical problems, but he seemed to be okay. We dated for six months, and then he had a relapse of his illness. At that time, after five days of hospitalization and testing, the doctors sat me down and told me that either he came home with me or he was going to a nursing home. They had no idea what was wrong. I had been deliriously happy with him, and the thought of a 38-year-old man moving into a nursing home when nobody knew what was wrong just seemed out of the question to me. I brought him home. At the time, I was in school part-time and home most of the time, so I was able to care for him. He was so, so sick. He was wheelchair-bound and most of the time he was as out of it as an Alzheimer’s patient. I’d worked in nursing homes previously, but I wasn’t sure how long I would be able to care for him. Long story short, after almost a year of caring for him, and researching constantly, I discovered that one of his problems was severe sleep apnea. We got treatment for that and he started to improve, but it wasn’t consistent. Instead of going into lengthy details about his condition, let it suffice to say that he was still a mess. He had terrible mood swings, and would pick fights with me. He also was marginally/borderline mentally incompetent, and had physical problems like tremors and constant dizziness. I hung in for another couple of years, hoping for an answer to his mysterious illness, while my own life started to tank. I knew some day an answer would be found, and he would return to the sweet, loving man I had fallen in love with, but as time went on, the mood swings and the almost non-stop fighting took its toll, and I finally got to the point where I couldn’t take it any more. He had reached a point where he could live independently and I asked him to leave. He moved into an apartment and I told him he needed to get into an anger management program and some counseling, which he immediately did. He tells me he still loves me and wants to earn his way back into my life.

 

Fast forward almost four months to the present: His mother called me to tell me he has been diagnosed with liver disease. She had to call because just before Memorial Day weekend he had picked another fight and I had stopped answering his calls completely. When I learned about this, I called him. We talked for a long time and he, of course, apologized for acting like a jerk. Again, long story short, his liver disease may be so far advanced that it could very well be responsible for his bizarre behavior and mood swings. When he is rational and lucid, he is the most charming person you could hope to meet, but when he isn’t feeling well, he is a horror.

 

Now I’m thinking that if he is adequately treated, his moods will probably stabilize. I don’t know the extent of treatment that will be required – it could just be a daily medication or it could, and probably will, ultimately require a liver transplant some day.

 

I want to help him regain his life. He has lost almost five years, his marriage about a year before he met me, his home, most of his friends, his job and all of his money, and me, someone he always called his “goddess”. I waited over three years for the day something would happen to indicate an answer for him, and now that that day appears to be on the horizon, I find myself reluctant to return to the life of endless doctor’s appointments, probable hospitalizations, and the whole mess. We were enmeshed because he was so dependent on me, and it feels good not to be any more. On the other hand, I know nobody else knows his case as well as I do. I literally made every medical decision for him, researched to make sure I was making the right decisions for him, and fought doctors when they wouldn’t listen because I was his medical durable power of attorney, caregiver, and only advocate. I am still his durable power of attorney and I feel responsible to him on some level because I accepted that responsibility three years ago, and I know nobody else who could take on this responsibility is capable of handling it as well as I did. I don’t mean to sound arrogant – I just know that the only other person who would take this on is not as intelligent and capable of figuring out the medical terminology and treatments as I am.

 

I can’t live with him again. I do know that. Even if he ends up needing constant care, it isn’t going to be here because I just don’t have the time to devote to that as would be needed. I do feel a pull to do the research to figure out what the best next step would be, and I have encouraged him to find a top-notch doctor to deal with this. I could take time to start taking him to appointments again, but that’s where I start getting cold feet again. I really do believe that once he is properly treated, his moods and behavior will stabilize and he will be back to the sweet man I was so in love with, and who I waited so long for. I’m a little afraid that if I don’t go with him and make sure he understands the doctors (because his illness does cause problems with his mental competence), or if the doctors aren’t willing to go the extra mile for him, he will be stuck as he is or even get worse.

 

I am leaning toward continuing to guide his medical care, taking him to the more crucial appointments, finding him the right specialists, but keeping our relationship on a day-at-a-time basis. Am I crazy to even do that much? How far would you go to help someone you once loved in a situation like this?

[scared shy]

OMG, your story is so sad. I feel bad this is happening for you. I am in a situation right now, with the person I love is addicted and I can say I love him with all my heart but I will not be willing to hold his hand while he continues to slowly kill himself. But your story is a far different one than mine. If it was me in your situation, I think if it was my love not being able to take care of himself not do to his own doing, I wouldn't be able to walk away. I would feel way too much guilt and I guess I am a glutton for punishment.

If he lost most of everything he had and everyone, it sounds like he needs someone (you). If you just give up then it might be easier right now, but if you have a conscience, then later down the road you might feel seriously guilty about not being there for him. Really it's a catch 22, and you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I guess you have to ask yourself if you still care for this man romantically, or do you care for the man YOU MET romantically? If you think he will go back to what he once was before all the medical issues then you will probably be let down. If you just want to be his friend and let him know you are there then sounds like you are on the right path.

[shygurl]

Yes it is a sad situation and I feel so badly for him, as well as you. You're a very loving person to have stuck by like you have ,considering you'd only been with him for 6 months when this all started.......many in your shoes would have bolted, in fact, a lot of people would have not gotten involved with someone who had health problems to start with. I'm sure, even though he may not show it too well, that he's so grateful for all you've done for him. Does his condition have a name? It's all related to some dysfunction with his liver? Is it that toxins build up in his body because his liver isn't doing it's job properly? Just to throw this out there, and of course I don't know specifically what's wrong with his liver of course.....but have you heard of Milk Thistle? It's becoming more well known in treating people and animals who have liver disease........it helps the liver to heal (interestingly, the liver is one of the few organs that can actually heal if damaged), helps to detoxify.

 

Does his Mom live locally? Can she take turns and work with you to help him out, so that the onus is not all on you? Sure, you can help to make the big decisions and such - as you've been helping with...but in terms of taking him to his appts and picking up his meds and stuff.........just so you don't feel so overwhelmed and like all the weight is on your shoulders.

 

If it were me, I think I'd be inclined to still keep hope that things with his health will get stabilized and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel........... It's sad that he's had to lose pretty much everything in his life. Is he depressed as a result? It would be understandable if he was. Can he walk? Is he wheelchair bound? Is his condition something rare? Seems odd it took them so long to diagnose him?

[lindya]

This is such a difficult situation, sleepless. I think it's probably something you need to talk through with a counsellor.

 

To raise an unspoken issue, you may well want to get into another relationship at some point. Because you've become so involved in this guy's life, you're then going to have three people to think about. You, him and a new partner.

 

Is this something he's ever discussed with you? I'm sensing that you want to stay in his life as a helping friend, but at the same time you need to get some of your own life back. That isn't selfish - it's real...but it will bring up some very complex and difficult emotions for you and this guy. I think that it's something you probably need a bit of one-to-one help in exploring so that you can find a plan of action that you can be reasonably comfortable with.

 

Wishing you all the best. You sound like an exceptional person, but I think it's imperative that you find a way of balancing the caring instinct with the fulfilment of some of your own needs.

[HokeyReligions]

I can understand your emotions -- I'm on a very similar rollercoaster. I posted a little about recent events here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t65636/ and you may recognize some of the same feelings.

 

I understand your nurturing nature. My husband used to be the sweetest guy too. I had a couple of opportunities to leave and there were a few times I had regrets for not doing so, but I chose to stay. I'm one of those people who will finish a bad book, or stay to see the end of a bad movie all in the hope that it will get better. I fear leaving because of what I *may* miss if and when things change. And I ask myself "what am I going to be like if I stay and things don't change?"

 

Ultimately, you are not responsible for him. He is not your parent or your child. Us nurturers have to take care of ourselves too. At least, I keep telling myself that (and many folks here will tell you that too---they have told me! )

 

He is young enough and there is still hope for his recovery, so a nursing home would not be permanent. Also, it is not a prison. He can come home with you or his mother on weekends if you want, and can go on outings during the day and the burden of the care is not on you. You will have some downtime.

 

I'm going through a hard decision making process right now in deciding if my mother should go into a nursing home. She lives with us and we all know that she is not able to go anywhere in the evenings or the weekends -- her health is very poor and her depression makes it worse. She is also terminal.

 

I think that if I were going through what you are going through I would be more inclined to let him go to a nursing home or be independent and make his own decisions. I have let go of my husband somewhat and with counseling I have been able to let go of so much of the burden of guilt when his decisions turn out to not be for his own good.

 

Really, I strongly urge you to get some personal counseling to help you deal with this. Good luck hun.

[sleeplessindallas]

Shygurl, you hit the nail on the head. Yes, his liver is compromised because of hepatitis C, and the result is that it appears his liver isn’t filtering toxins, and those toxins are poisoning his brain. After three years of studying almost non-stop, I could (and usually do) go on for pages about medical subjects, so I have to be careful not to do that. It’s definitely hepatitis C, it probably involves a fair amount of cirrhosis, and the condition is called (chronic) hepatic encephalopathy. I have no idea if milk thistle is a viable choice for him or not. When you’re dealing with something this complex, offbeat treatments can work perfectly for one person but kill another – to a large extent it depends on precisely what is causing the damage to begin with. I do plan to check it out at the National Institutes of Health Library of Medicine, though, which has been my bible all this time. I live in fear that he will crash and burn at any moment, which realistically could happen, and I will lose him before the doctors get themselves in gear to help him.

 

Chronic hepatitis can duck under the radar of regular blood screening tests because the body can 'recover' from it and even keep it in remission, even though it is always there. One study I read discussed the case of a woman in Italy whose known hep C didn’t affect her liver screening tests for ten years, so it’s quite possible to miss it. Regular screening tests only show something if the virus is actively destroying the liver at the time of the test. If you specifically test for it, you’ll find it, but if you have no reason to suspect you need to test for it, you usually don’t.

 

He is currently able to live on his own. I had to re-teach him to drive after he had been off the road for that first year. What an adventure! Not. But he can get around enough now so that he can shop for himself in a motorized wheelchair, and he has managed to get himself to his doctor’s appointments. He’s on disability, and he has a very meager existence. He can and does walk with a walker on bad days, and a cane on good days. He’s made tremendous progress in these three years – back in the beginning his balance was so bad I had to hold him up on the toilet, although that was probably mostly because of the drugs they were giving him to try to control the tremors. Once we got him off most of the drugs, a lot of ability returned.

 

I couldn’t walk away for a long time because I knew that what was happening wasn’t something he was doing to himself, although there were times when he wouldn’t follow his apnea treatment, and that became something of a sore spot between us. It was infuriating to be killing myself to help him, and he not towing the line for himself. We did have arguments about him not doing what he needed to do to take care of himself, but not very often. Had he consistently done things that he knew would harm him, I would have had no problem tossing him out, and I told him that many times. I also couldn’t walk away because I loved him dearly and I knew he couldn’t help himself. I don’t want to miss out on him if and when things change! (That one’s for you, HokeyReligions!)

 

Would he return to the man I MET? Probably not. If his moods would even stabilize to the point they were at on his good days, I would be ecstatic. The first half of the day was always wonderful with him – he was alert and funny and even helpful, coming out to the gardens with me or keeping the pool clean or fixing my car. Then, as the day wore on, he would become less rational, more combative, grumpy and sometimes downright mean. It got very ugly sometimes. I always cut him slack, though, because I knew it was his illness talking. Eventually, I told him he was going to just have to control that nasty mouth of his because, despite the fact that I knew he was sick, and I knew he would never, ever deliberately hurt me, the fact remained that a point could, and most likely would come, where I shut doors in my heart to protect myself, and some day they might not open back up, no matter how he apologized and how much I might want to forgive and forget. That day came four months ago when he said something especially nasty and I snapped and told him to leave and take his rotten mouth with him. I honestly don’t know if solving his medical problems would really solve this stuff. I have always thought it would. I guess I have always known that I do care for him romantically, yes, and I told him after he moved out that I would consider re-establishing a relationship with him IF he got some counseling. Last month when he started that last fight, though, I came to the conclusion that I just can’t take any more of his nastiness. And now I find myself thinking, again, that it was his illness talking and maybe he still deserves a chance.

 

In real life, sometimes it gets to a point where it doesn’t matter WHY a person behaves as they do. What matters is that they behave intolerably badly and you just can’t continue to paint a target on your forehead for them. That was where I believed I was at about a month ago. Today I’m not so sure.

 

I’m trying to answer questions as I go along here. Yes, his mom does live locally, and since I tossed him out, she and his sister have been helping him. The sister is ADHD or something and completely useless except as a chauffeur. His mother is not aggressive enough to ensure that his treatment is prompt and as effective as is medically possible. She is currently content to wait until he sees his PCP again on August 1, and his neurologist on July 28. I know he needs to see a liver specialist on an urgent basis ASAP! She doesn’t have the wherewithal to get him what he needs, and it is because she just doesn’t know, and I can’t guide her or him if I am not there talking with the doctors myself and decoding what they say. So much slips past patients because of the terminology. If you don’t have a clear handle on the terminology, and even when you do, some stuff doesn’t make sense, or the urgency isn’t understood, or the subtleties that make decision-making critical are missed. Essentially, I am afraid they will bungle it badly without me there deciphering things for them, and he will be the one to suffer as a result. His family is capable of caring for him in the event he needs to be cared for ‘round the clock, and I would definitely leave that up to them. I just can not do that again. If it comes to the point of his needing 24/7 care, somebody else is going to get to do it. With a diagnosis, he would at least have a fighting chance in a nursing home, too. I wouldn’t be so afraid that they would just drug him up, stick him in a corner in a wheelchair and let him sit there drooling for the balance of his natural existence. (Remember I used to work in those places – I know how it is.)

[shygurl]

Hello there,

 

I understand you'd have to read up on Milk Thistle..and believe me, I'm not some wacko who endorses homeopathic remedies, not by any means - but I learned about it when my cat had severe hepatic lipidosis years ago and was given a 30% chance to pull through (he was not very old). A lot of what i was reading was based on its use in humans w/ liver disease/failure/cirrhosis/hepatitis/cholangiohepatitis.......

 

Here's just one seemingly reputable link that speaks of the benefit of Milk Thistle (Silymarin extract) for patients w/ HepC:

 

http://www.clinicaltrials.gov/show/NCT00030030

 

Of course you'd want to do your own research, for sure.....and talk to his docs to confirm it wouldn't interfere w/ any meds he's currently on.

 

And to ask you something of a sensitive nature - considering you with him for 6 months prior to him becoming very ill, I'm assuming you were sexually active? Now HepC is a lot harder to be transfered 'sexually' that once thought (easier for HepB), but have you been tested?

[Craig]

You can't save the world but perhaps you can make a difference in one persons life. Regardless of whether he returns to a semblance of the man you once knew how would you remember yourself for the rest of your life if you didn't lend your helping and healing hand.

 

Sometimes people make sacrifices for the apparently (at the time) uncaring only to have the kindness and caring shown return in the most unusual ways long after the incident occurred. If you do this, you do it for yourself without expectation or investment in the outcome. If he recovers you win and if he doesn't recover I think you still win because you did what you could.

 

Would I do it? In a heartbeat.

 

Have I done anything like it? No, but recently my STBXW who is the devil incarnate required a major operation (after I moved out) and I was there to do what others didn't. Helping her pee, walk, get to doctors appointments, feed her, get puked on, staying by her side to take care of her when she was violently ill, giving her injections, etc. I didn't do it because I wanted to get back with her (I don't) I did it because that's who I am. This isn't for everyone, everyone is different, who are you?

[sleeplessindallas]

Shygurl, yes, I’ve been tested and I am negative. Something less than one percent of partners of positive people are positive themselves, and now the thinking is that it may not even be sexually transmitted to those people, but rather that they somehow became infected via some contact with the infected person’s blood, such as sharing a razor or a toothbrush. It doesn’t scare me. I will definitely look into milk thistle – that sounds interesting.

 

Craig, I think you summed up who I am, and it seems I am an awful lot like you. Probably people were asking you why you were willing to do so much for someone who had treated you badly, just like people asked me why I kept him around when he was behaving so badly. I always said that I expected to eventually be bitten by this creature I was trying to help, but that my conscience drove me to do it. After he left, people asked why I had hung in so long. I figured there was some divine purpose for me to be with him, and for us to have met when we did. I shrugged off the three years because I knew there was a reason, and I suspected it might have been that I needed to do what I did because he has a young daughter who he adores, and with my help, he had had three more years with her than he would have had. She needs him. Maybe that’s what it’s about. I really don’t know.

 

It doesn’t matter, though. I feel compelled to continue to help him, as much as I know I am going to take lots of grief from people about it. Everyone was supportive and cheered me on when they learned I had finally had enough, but maybe they’re not people like you. Or me.

[sleeplessindallas]

So, today, sooner than expected, I ended up jumping back in to some extent.

 

I got a call from him early this morning and he sounded absolutely terrified. His PCP had called and wanted to “talk to him” ASAP. He was trying to get his sister to take him over there because his mother couldn’t, but he sounded so terrified I asked him if he wanted me to take him. He said he couldn’t afford to pay me (in the past, when he lived with me, he would pay me compensation for my lost time at work whenever I had to take time off to do things like this), but I told him I would be willing to use a vacation day if my Regional Manager would approve me for it, and I would call and see, and then call him back. Naturally it was approved, and off I went to go get him since he was too upset to feel comfortable driving, and I was just as glad to think he wouldn’t be on the road in such an agitated state.

 

Long story short, it was another example of the power of a good advocate in a doctor’s office, and I did manage to convince them to run an additional couple of tests that might finally solve this long-standing mystery. I’ve gotten far too good at finding a doctor’s hot buttons and then pushing them until they figure out that they really do want to do what I want them to do. It’s almost sick, but I am a shameless manipulator in these situations since I know it is the only way to get the job done. Initially, he was willing to refer to a liver specialist and call it good, but when I explained to him that I suspected that we were looking at a chronic encephalopathy, and questioned whether it really might not be a good idea to run a couple of tests to find out sooner rather than later, he came around to thinking that he would probably really like to beat all the best neurologists in Dallas/Ft. Worth at figuring this one out, and there was no real risk in running a couple of more blood tests. So, mission accomplished. If the tests show what I think they’ll show, treatment can start as early as tomorrow or the next day, and it’s likely that the biggest problems will be resolved. This would be approximately a month or two sooner than if we had to go to a liver specialist and wait for him to come around to figuring out he should do these tests. It could have been many more months, as we know all too well. Beyond resolving the symptoms, other therapies aimed at healing the liver itself need to be explored, but that’s not so urgent, given that most of his dangerous blood test levels are on their way down and returning to normal again.

 

What about the relationship? Well... He had a meltdown waiting for the lab personnel to call him, and I walked out. I wasn’t going to sit there and be embarrassed by his tantrum. Although he has been attending anger management, as I told him this morning, it’s one thing to go, and to read everything, but putting it into practice is a whole different thing, and something that he has to be very conscious of every minute. Obviously, he hasn’t honed those skills yet, and it’s not something I want to spend a lot of my time dealing with any more. I didn’t get into it too much with him at all today, but will one of these days soon. Right now, I think it is best to hope for the best, hope for a treatment for him, and then talk to him about the future of the relationship maybe after he is feeling a little better. I did tell him after he had calmed down that I left because I figured if he wanted to embarrass himself, he could do that without my presence. He pointed out that he calmed down pretty quickly, and I pointed out that managing and controlling his anger has to come at the beginning, not after the fact. It’s possible that the agitation factor will diminish with treatment, but that remains to be seen, and I don’t plan on putting myself in the crossfire in the meantime. I can and will still advocate for him, and I will probably still see him as in dating, but I still feel very negative about a long-term relationship with him unless there is a miracle. It’s impossible to separate out what is the illness and what is just in him, so right now I can’t sort it out myself. After spending most of the day with him, though, it’s not looking real good right now.

[sleeplessindallas]

Just an FYI: I did run milk thistle through the search engine at the National Institutes of Health Library of Medicine (what an amazing site!!), and came up with this report published last November in the Digest of Liver Diseases, which is the most recent published paper on it. FWIW, this is their take on it after a clinical trial:

 

(Silymarin is the active ingredient in milk thistle)

 

The recommended dose of silymarin can be safely taken for 1 year and improves symptoms and general well-being, but has no effect upon hepatitis C virus viremia, serum ALT, or serum and ultrasound markers for hepatic fibrosis. More prolonged evaluation and a higher dose may be required to ascertain whether milk thistle supplements prevent complications of chronic hepatitis C virus.

 

It's not necessarily the last word. I am still reading. ;-)

[shygurl]

I think he needs more than anger management? if his moods and outbursts are caused by the encephalopathy, that probably can't be 'Fixed' until he gets his condition better under control....but what about counselling? This is a young man who can learn to deal with his anger but what about the root cause of his anger? He was a vibrant, successful young man and now he's lost everything, even his dignity and freedom........and he's likely so fearful of his future, feeling very bleak.......terrified he'll one day end up in a nursing home with someone changing his diaper.

 

Could he even be suffering from depression? Has he ever had a psychiatric evaluation to screen for depression etc? I'm wondering if he could have some kind of chemical imbalance in his brain (neurotransmitters) due to the encephalopathy?

 

If his angry outburts are a result of his disease, he's likely not even able to control himself when he's feeling this way........??

 

Are there any support groups around for people w/ Liver disease/HepC? Here where I live, there's the Canadian Liver Association......is there anything like that where you/he are?

[sleeplessindallas]

Shygurl, your post is so very sweet, and I appreciate your input.

 

One reason I managed to hang in as long as I did was because I know a lot of his anger issues, as well as his impulsivity, are in part governed by whatever his ailment is. I always said I didn’t want to judge someone or make a decision about a relationship with him while he was sick. It’s wonderful to say that, but very hard to stick to because regardless of the cause, there you are in the crossfire, and frequently, because you are the only person around for them to take out their anger on. I was his target for too long, and it had gotten to the point I had to leave my own home for several hours in the evening and wait for him to fall asleep before I could go home because if I stayed around, he would harp on me and harass me all night. That happened three nights in the week prior to my asking him to leave. Not only could I not live like that, but my daughter was being affected and had to witness it all, and it surely wasn’t healthy for her to see her mother going through that. I knew why I was doing it, but there is no way a sixteen-year-old can really understand why you are patient with someone who treats you so badly. On some level I can blame the illness entirely (the encephalopathy itself, the fallout from all the unfairnesses that life has heaped on him), but there were times when he seemed to be pretty rational and lucid and these things would happen, and it just got to a point where I had no idea, one day to the next, whether I would be waking up or coming home to Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I honestly have no way to guess, as I said earlier, what is the illness, and what is just him. That’s the hard part. But it is also the point when you recognize that whichever it is really doesn’t matter any more. It just is what it is, and you have to decide how YOU want to live. Selfish? Yes. Realistic? Yes, that, too. It’s horrible. But also, after you have been on the receiving end of this kind of behavior for a long time, whatever the cause, the crazy in-love feelings start to fade, and you can’t trust this person not to lash out at you for no apparent reason at all. You don’t know if this person is going to stay up all night just to keep you awake and harass you. You can’t have a rational discussion of your disagreement and reach a mutually satisfying resolution. At all. You can’t go into another room to cool off because he follows you and just keeps nipping at you. Whew. I get exhausted just thinking about all the time I spent trying to deal with this stuff.

 

He plans to continue some form of counseling into the future, and I hope he follows through. He definitely is depressed and has been on an antidepressant since shortly after that major hospitalization three years ago, but now that his liver is showing signs of trouble, the doctor is weaning him off of them. That scares me a lot, but if his liver can’t handle it, it would kill him to leave him on them. It is entirely possible that a neurotransmitter imbalance can result from a liver problem. The neurotransmitters were what we were trying to correct with the antidepressant and an anti-anxiety drug. He would just get so wound up about things, whether he was anxious or just angry, that he would have shaking fits that caused him to end up on the floor. And he was on antidepressants because he had asked me several times, when things were really bad, to help him find a way to die, or facilitate a suicide for him.

 

He’s had his eleven-year-old daughter staying with him for the month of June, and she leaves this Friday (oh, tomorrow!), so he will have to make a plan and decide what his next steps will be, and what he wants to do about support groups of whatever. The testing that was done on Monday was handled by incompetents, unfortunately, and the ammonia test was not reported to the doctor. As of today, nobody knows if it was even done, or lost, or what. Since the doctor will be out all next week, there won’t even be an opportunity to find out anything at least until well into that second week of July. <sigh> This kind of incompetence is standard for the hospital system he has been involved with, and is yet another source of anger, frustration, and depression for him, but I won’t even get started on that subject.

 

He wants to come over on Saturday and probably spend the night, do some things for me, and do some swimming. I am trying to figure out if I can even handle it. A large part of me just doesn’t want to get sucked back into that vortex of madness. Ya know?