Avoiding the end

[ElaineShallott]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new to posting but have been reading for awhile.

 

My question relates to going no contact. I just cannot manage to do it. I'm so hooked on the MM. He's one of my only and closest friends at this point. Our relationship is fizzling though even though I don't want to see it. We barely see each other. He writes less and less. I write and he doesn't respond. It's as if we can only talk when he wants to.

 

Honestly I think he wants to break up and be done with it. Or keep me on a string for when the mood strikes.

 

I need to regain my power though. In the beginning this affair made me feel beautiful, desirable. I was amazed a man with his money and power would want me.

 

Now though I feel sick and old, and kind of gross at the fact I've been involved with a married man. I barely talk to my parents anymore because I'm so ashamed. I never felt guilty before but I was recently diagnosed bipolar and started taking meds. They're calming me down and causing me to take stock of my entire life really.

 

So, no contact. I tried breaking up with him via email a few months ago when he asked me to help him find a sugar baby (he thought it would be funny). I broke up but not 48 hours later I was writing him again and he welcomed me back.

 

The last time I wrote to him was yesterday. My goal is to go one week without contacting him or checking his facebook (that will be hard). And even if he writes me I won't respond.

 

But, can I read any messages he might send in that time? Or should I ignore them? I know if I don't read them I'll obsess about them more. It's reAlly my obsessive tendencies I feel ill be fighting the most here.

 

Any and all help appreciated!

[whichwayisup]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new to posting but have been reading for awhile.

 

My question relates to going no contact. I just cannot manage to do it. I'm so hooked on the MM. He's one of my only and closest friends at this point. Our relationship is fizzling though even though I don't want to see it. We barely see each other. He writes less and less. I write and he doesn't respond. It's as if we can only talk when he wants to.

 

So, how does that make you feel? Him more or less ignoring you, only answering when he feels like it on his terms and time frame. Why do you not love and respect yourself? Really give that some thought. You're clinging to a MM who treats you like poop! He doesn't care enough to be kind to you, instead he's choosing to treat badly and you're allowing him to.

 

Your affair is over, I hope you understand that holding on to the table scraps he is throwing your way IS damaging you more than you realize. Your self esteem had taken a huge hit and I'm betting you're not the happy confident woman you once were pre-affair.

Honestly I think he wants to break up and be done with it. Or keep me on a string for when the mood strikes.

 

YOU break up with HIM. Just do it and block him. It'll hurt and be hard to do but in time you will probably feel relieved. The pain is final - One big hurt and no more wondering wtf while he comes and goes on his terms. You deserve better and this guy will NEVER love or care about you the way you want him to. He's selfish and doesn't want to make the effort.

I need to regain my power though. In the beginning this affair made me feel beautiful, desirable. I was amazed a man with his money and power would want me.

 

This is a false sense of security and based on stuff of an affair. You can and will meet great (single) guys who will be kindhearted, giving and caring and stable. This one is NOT the one for you. End it.

Now though I feel sick and old, and kind of gross at the fact I've been involved with a married man. I barely talk to my parents anymore because I'm so ashamed. I never felt guilty before but I was recently diagnosed bipolar and started taking meds. They're calming me down and causing me to take stock of my entire life really.

 

Do counseling, fix your inner self with talk therapy and reach out to your friends and family. Make amends. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and bad choices. You're going to be okay.

 

S

o, no contact. I tried breaking up with him via email a few months ago when he asked me to help him find a sugar baby (he thought it would be funny). I broke up but not 48 hours later I was writing him again and he welcomed me back.

 

The last time I wrote to him was yesterday. My goal is to go one week without contacting him or checking his facebook (that will be hard). And even if he writes me I won't respond.

 

But, can I read any messages he might send in that time? Or should I ignore them? I know if I don't read them I'll obsess about them more. It's reAlly my obsessive tendencies I feel ill be fighting the most here.

 

Any and all help appreciated!

 

No, you ignore. Cut him out immediately. NC is NC. Allow yourself to really grieve the loss, cry it out and be strong. You are the most important person here, it doesn't matter what he says, does or wants anymore. BLOCK HIM.

[Lobe]

So there are a few tips I have for going NC and they are all very practical. Don't just put him on ignore. Go full metal NC.

 

1) Reroute his emails to spam and set it up to auto-delete. Like taking a holiday from social media, the first few days are seriously hard but after the first couple of days it gets easier.

 

2) Block him from all social media. Block him on FB, IG, linked in... all of it. Don't just unfollow - BLOCK.

 

3) Redirect any searches from his name to something that reminds you that you're not his plaything anymore. Paste this in your search bar and install it. chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/personal-blocklist-by-goo/nolijncfnkgaikbjbdaogikpmpbdcdef?hl=en I redirect all searches for my WH's xOW to our wedding song. I suggest Stronger by Kelly Clarkson or Fight Song by Rachel Platen if you're looking for songs that empower you. youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc

 

4) Every time you feel like emailing, messaging or texting him, contact a friend. If you don't have someone who knows, come to LS and post - there is often someone around even at weird hours.

 

5) Trust your gut. You've already made the decision to move on, but you need to retrain your body to react with resolve (if not repulsion) to him contacting you. Your heart is fickle and will trick you with emotions and your brain is clever and will trick you with false logic. Your gut - that's what you need to pay attention to.

 

6) Invite a visit from the disillusionment fairy. When you start thinking about the promises made in Fantasyland, think about how realistic those promises are. Think about how much louder actions are than words. Think about how much he lies to you to string you along, and how much he lies to his BS who probably knows something is wrong but is being gaslighted. Do you think he is being any more truthful to you than he is his wife?

 

7) Every time you start missing him, think about you being in a car crash and needing him to come rescue you. Would he leave his wife at 3am to help you or would he visit you when it didn't arouse suspicion?

 

8) Write a letter to yourself as if you were your BFF. Give yourself the advice you would give your own daughter or sister.

 

9) Read the stories here. Many are in the same shoes as you, but I think you'll be surprised at the insight you receive from the betrayeds and waywards as much as the APs in your own shoes.

 

10) Get your ass into IC. I cannot say this enough. I am a firm believer that each and every person on this planet is susceptible to having an affair. Life circumstances, changes, challenges - each of us can be vulnerable. Go find out why you made the choices you made, try to understand how you rationalized the affair, explore your feelings and thoughts, and sort it so that you know how and why you allowed yourself to get fooled. Flying in the face of logic, you will probably find it empowering discovering how you were vulnerable.

 

That's all I've got for now.

 

You've got this girl.

 

I suggest you look up Oran, yepsurething, and immokk and read the words of Liam1, Charger66, and Mrs John Adams/John Adams. So much wisdom and growth there. I am sure I've forgotten someone but that's a good start.

[Poppy47]

As Lobe said, think about being in a car crash.

 

This happened to me and xMM couldn't come as he was watching tennis with his wife. NEVER rely on him and BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK.

 

What is that nonsense about finding a '"sugar baby" for him? What kind of weird, sicko nutcase have you become involved with? I mean really????? He is seeking to demean you . Don't allow it.

 

Poppy

[loveisanaction]

Every time you want to contact your married man remember this; you are stealing time meant for his wife. Every time you want him to talk to you, hold you, laugh with you; you are stealing touch, affection and conversation meant for his wife. Every private moment you spent with him were private moments you stole from his wife.

 

So when next you want to break NC remember that you are about to steal something that legally belongs to someone else.

 

You are not a thief. So stay NC.

[Grapesofwrath]

He is not your friend. Let's get clear on that. This is not friendship. Friends respond to your messages in a timely manner. Friends are there when you need them. Friends don't seek to demean you by asking for help to find a young woman to buy.

 

There is a big world out there full of people who will really be your friends. And even some people who will want to love you in a way that nourishes you. Time to let this go. I know it's hard. But once you do it, I promise, you will feel so much better about yourself and about life. The clouds will part. The sun will shine on you again.

[Satu]

He is where he wants to be, with the person he wants to be with.

 

 

You are on the outside, and thats the only place you ever have been, or ever will be.

 

So his life is sorted out; kind of...

 

How about you?

 

What do you want to happen in your life?

 

Do you even know?

 

I don't believe that you do.

 

 

Take care.

[ElaineShallott]

As Lobe said, think about being in a car crash.

 

This happened to me and xMM couldn't come as he was watching tennis with his wife. NEVER rely on him and BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK.

 

What is that nonsense about finding a '"sugar baby" for him? What kind of weird, sicko nutcase have you become involved with? I mean really????? He is seeking to demean you . Don't allow it.

 

Poppy

 

Thank you all, this has been very helpful. I talked to a therapist a lot about this guy but I don't think it really helped, or maybe I wasn't ready.

 

I wanted to say more about the sugar baby incident. As background there came a time when MM and I could no longer have sex because of a disease I got. He would say to me Id taken something from him without giving him a replacement. I always thought he was joking.

 

He would call me saying how hard it was for him, how there were so many memories and I was the only one he could talk to. At the time I wasn't initiating contact at all. I was numb, in shock about my diagnosis, what it meant for my future. There was one time that I cried, really sobbed because I knew it would never be the same with MM. But he kept calling even though we couldn't be physical and it made me think he cared about me as a person, as more than a plaything.

 

Then one day he called and he was really excited about this website he'd found, a dating site he'd joined. He gave me his username and password and wanted me to use my credit card so he'd be able to send messages. He said we'd talk to women and mock them and make fun of them and it would all be done together. I told him I didn't enjoy making fun of people, I think it's mean but Id help him. I was too curious not to, and whenever I've said no in the past he holds it over me.

 

So I did it, he gave me money to pay me back. When I told him it was done he said "now write to them." I did say no to that. A few days later I logged in when I knew he'd be sleeping. I saw the messages he'd written to girls. It hurt so much to see him moving on.

 

There was one message from a girl who had the right schedule, who would be discreet, who lived near his work. When I spoke to him next I asked how it was going and he said there was nothing. He said what are the chances of finding someone discreet, nearby, with the right schedule (everything this girl had said) and that it was impossible. I just stayed quiet because my head was spinning. I knew he was lying, but I didn't want him to know I'd read his messages.

 

Anyway, after a few weeks he said he let his membership expire. He said he'd talked to some girls on the phone but nothing more. One of them was 18 which sickens me. He's late forties.

 

So that is the sugar baby incident. He is sick and twisted. In the middle of it I tried to go NC. I told him it hurt too much to watch him moving on. Of course two days later I wrote him saying I was back. He said good, that it was more fun with me. I can now see how that comment could mean he enjoyed knowing it hurt me. In a way I think the whole episode was his revenge on me for getting a disease and taking away something he enjoyed.

 

He says he doesn't see anyone else, that he doesn't have time, but I don't believe him. I don't know why he won't tell me about it if he is seeing someone. I was always open with him. And I don't know why he won't break up with me. I've assured him that his wife finding out is the last thing I'd want to happen. It would hurt me far more than him.

 

Anyway than you for listening. I blocked him today on our texting app. It's not full NC blocking but for me it was a big step.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Thank you all, this has been very helpful. I talked to a therapist a lot about this guy but I don't think it really helped, or maybe I wasn't ready.

 

I wanted to say more about the sugar baby incident. As background there came a time when MM and I could no longer have sex because of a disease I got. He would say to me Id taken something from him without giving him a replacement. I always thought he was joking.

 

He would call me saying how hard it was for him, how there were so many memories and I was the only one he could talk to. At the time I wasn't initiating contact at all. I was numb, in shock about my diagnosis, what it meant for my future. There was one time that I cried, really sobbed because I knew it would never be the same with MM. But he kept calling even though we couldn't be physical and it made me think he cared about me as a person, as more than a plaything.

 

Then one day he called and he was really excited about this website he'd found, a dating site he'd joined. He gave me his username and password and wanted me to use my credit card so he'd be able to send messages. He said we'd talk to women and mock them and make fun of them and it would all be done together. I told him I didn't enjoy making fun of people, I think it's mean but Id help him. I was too curious not to, and whenever I've said no in the past he holds it over me.

 

So I did it, he gave me money to pay me back. When I told him it was done he said "now write to them." I did say no to that. A few days later I logged in when I knew he'd be sleeping. I saw the messages he'd written to girls. It hurt so much to see him moving on.

 

There was one message from a girl who had the right schedule, who would be discreet, who lived near his work. When I spoke to him next I asked how it was going and he said there was nothing. He said what are the chances of finding someone discreet, nearby, with the right schedule (everything this girl had said) and that it was impossible. I just stayed quiet because my head was spinning. I knew he was lying, but I didn't want him to know I'd read his messages.

 

Anyway, after a few weeks he said he let his membership expire. He said he'd talked to some girls on the phone but nothing more. One of them was 18 which sickens me. He's late forties.

 

So that is the sugar baby incident. He is sick and twisted. In the middle of it I tried to go NC. I told him it hurt too much to watch him moving on. Of course two days later I wrote him saying I was back. He said good, that it was more fun with me. I can now see how that comment could mean he enjoyed knowing it hurt me. In a way I think the whole episode was his revenge on me for getting a disease and taking away something he enjoyed.

 

He says he doesn't see anyone else, that he doesn't have time, but I don't believe him. I don't know why he won't tell me about it if he is seeing someone. I was always open with him. And I don't know why he won't break up with me. I've assured him that his wife finding out is the last thing I'd want to happen. It would hurt me far more than him.

 

Anyway than you for listening. I blocked him today on our texting app. It's not full NC blocking but for me it was a big step.

 

I know it's gonna hurt when I say it but, he only thinks of himself. Not his family and not you! It hurts but, it's true.

 

NC is hard in the beginning, but trust me B/c I've been there - it gets easier over time. You just need to give it time and patience. When it's hard, come and post here. That's what I've done.

 

The most important thing - I'm so sorry about your diagnosis. I hope you get better. Do NOT ever think you took something away from him because of it. I sensed guilt about it in your post. You deserve someone who will love you and cherish you as you go through it. Not someone who will ask your help to get on an online dating site to find "replacement for what you took away from him". Which brings me to the beginning of my post - he OLNY thinks of himself. If he thought and cared about you, the only thing on his mind would be being with you and helping you with what you are going through. he is not doing that!

 

I hope you get better. Do not let him into your life any more! Ever.

[13Hearts]

Thank you all, this has been very helpful. I talked to a therapist a lot about this guy but I don't think it really helped, or maybe I wasn't ready.

 

I wanted to say more about the sugar baby incident. As background there came a time when MM and I could no longer have sex because of a disease I got. He would say to me Id taken something from him without giving him a replacement. I always thought he was joking.

 

He would call me saying how hard it was for him, how there were so many memories and I was the only one he could talk to. At the time I wasn't initiating contact at all. I was numb, in shock about my diagnosis, what it meant for my future. There was one time that I cried, really sobbed because I knew it would never be the same with MM. But he kept calling even though we couldn't be physical and it made me think he cared about me as a person, as more than a plaything.

 

Then one day he called and he was really excited about this website he'd found, a dating site he'd joined. He gave me his username and password and wanted me to use my credit card so he'd be able to send messages. He said we'd talk to women and mock them and make fun of them and it would all be done together. I told him I didn't enjoy making fun of people, I think it's mean but Id help him. I was too curious not to, and whenever I've said no in the past he holds it over me.

 

So I did it, he gave me money to pay me back. When I told him it was done he said "now write to them." I did say no to that. A few days later I logged in when I knew he'd be sleeping. I saw the messages he'd written to girls. It hurt so much to see him moving on.

 

There was one message from a girl who had the right schedule, who would be discreet, who lived near his work. When I spoke to him next I asked how it was going and he said there was nothing. He said what are the chances of finding someone discreet, nearby, with the right schedule (everything this girl had said) and that it was impossible. I just stayed quiet because my head was spinning. I knew he was lying, but I didn't want him to know I'd read his messages.

 

Anyway, after a few weeks he said he let his membership expire. He said he'd talked to some girls on the phone but nothing more. One of them was 18 which sickens me. He's late forties.

 

So that is the sugar baby incident. He is sick and twisted. In the middle of it I tried to go NC. I told him it hurt too much to watch him moving on. Of course two days later I wrote him saying I was back. He said good, that it was more fun with me. I can now see how that comment could mean he enjoyed knowing it hurt me. In a way I think the whole episode was his revenge on me for getting a disease and taking away something he enjoyed.

 

He says he doesn't see anyone else, that he doesn't have time, but I don't believe him. I don't know why he won't tell me about it if he is seeing someone. I was always open with him. And I don't know why he won't break up with me. I've assured him that his wife finding out is the last thing I'd want to happen. It would hurt me far more than him.

 

Anyway than you for listening. I blocked him today on our texting app. It's not full NC blocking but for me it was a big step.

Ew. Just ew.

 

He wanted you to put it on YOUR credit card so the charge wouldn't be on HIS credit card bill. He used you to help him hook up with a girl more than half his age.

 

What a pig.

[BuddyX]

Um, I think I need to take a shower after reading your last post. Can't believe your self esteem is so low that you would allow him to do this. Take a long hard look in the mirror. This is not where you want to be.

 

Plenty of the LS members keep repeating the same valid question; What would your response be if your daughter came to you with this problem?

[ElaineShallott]

Um, I think I need to take a shower after reading your last post. Can't believe your self esteem is so low that you would allow him to do this. Take a long hard look in the mirror. This is not where you want to be.

 

Plenty of the LS members keep repeating the same valid question; What would your response be if your daughter came to you with this problem?

 

 

Reading that just took my breath away. I have daughters and if a man did this to them I'd go to his house and punch him in the face, if not worse.

 

Reading my own posts back makes me realize what an absolute **** he is. Is this what people mean by coming out of the fog? Till tonight all I thought about was the sex, the kissing, the passion. How to convince him to do it again. I thought I'd never meet anyone else like him. Now I think maybe that's a good thing.

 

When we first met he was so charming. I was in a bad place, leaving a controlling ex. I was scared and I didn't know what to do. He told me he'd helped a woman go through a divorce whose husband was controlling. I relied on his advice based on that. I felt like he knew what to do. Much later I found out that was a lie. There had been a woman and a divorce but no controlling ex.

 

Writing all of this down here is cathartic.

[Messy Lady]

Elaine

 

I think this is my first time posting in someone else's thread. Now my name says it all, I am in a mess and there are many (all?) who think my MM is manipulative but yours is in a league of his own. You have to get away from him. You say you had a controlling ex. Well your MM took advantage of you too, lied to you and is also controlling. Can I suggest you get some IC to work on yourself and find a way out of having relationships like this in the future. You deserve a man who truly cares for you, not one who will abuse you the way the MM has.

[Poppy47]

Ew. Just ew.

 

He wanted you to put it on YOUR credit card so the charge wouldn't be on HIS credit card bill. He used you to help him hook up with a girl more than half his age.

 

What a pig.

 

Was that his twisted punishment for your inability to provide sex for him ?

 

Poppy.

[elaine567]

 

When we first met he was so charming. I was in a bad place, leaving a controlling ex. I was scared and I didn't know what to do. He told me he'd helped a woman go through a divorce whose husband was controlling. I relied on his advice based on that. I felt like he knew what to do. Much later I found out that was a lie. There had been a woman and a divorce but no controlling ex.

 

 

All so frequently the story is the same,

I was in a bad place, I was vulnerable, I was weak, I was in a dreadful relationship, I was looking for attention, I needed help... as that is the only sort of woman that most MM can persuade to take him on.

 

A strong woman, a woman in a good place, tells the MM to go back to his wife and stop bothering her.

[13Hearts]

Reading that just took my breath away. I have daughters and if a man did this to them I'd go to his house and punch him in the face, if not worse.

 

Reading my own posts back makes me realize what an absolute **** he is. Is this what people mean by coming out of the fog? Till tonight all I thought about was the sex, the kissing, the passion. How to convince him to do it again. I thought I'd never meet anyone else like him. Now I think maybe that's a good thing.

 

When we first met he was so charming. I was in a bad place, leaving a controlling ex. I was scared and I didn't know what to do. He told me he'd helped a woman go through a divorce whose husband was controlling. I relied on his advice based on that. I felt like he knew what to do. Much later I found out that was a lie. There had been a woman and a divorce but no controlling ex.

 

Writing all of this down here is cathartic.

We applaud you for being courageous enough to post your truth here. Keep sharing so that you can continue to see through the fog.

 

It's easy to fall in love with what or who we THINK a particular person is. I've done it plenty of times and then realized that I needed to pull my head out of my azz so I could see the person for who he REALLY is, not some made up ideal of a man in my head.

[13Hearts]

Was that his twisted punishment for your inability to provide sex for him ?

 

Poppy.

 

I was thinking this same thing, too, Poppy.

[13Hearts]

All so frequently the story is the same,

I was in a bad place, I was vulnerable, I was weak, I was in a dreadful relationship, I was looking for attention, I needed help... as that is the only sort of woman that most MM can persuade to take him on.

 

A strong woman, a woman in a good place, tells the MM to go back to his wife and stop bothering her.

 

I so agree with this. They see you are vulnerable or weak from whatever, doesn't matter what, and they exploit that, instead of being MEN and actually helping you. They're predators in this scenario.

[loveisanaction]

Thank you all, this has been very helpful. I talked to a therapist a lot about this guy but I don't think it really helped, or maybe I wasn't ready.

 

I wanted to say more about the sugar baby incident. As background there came a time when MM and I could no longer have sex because of a disease I got. He would say to me Id taken something from him without giving him a replacement. I always thought he was joking.

 

He would call me saying how hard it was for him, how there were so many memories and I was the only one he could talk to. At the time I wasn't initiating contact at all. I was numb, in shock about my diagnosis, what it meant for my future. There was one time that I cried, really sobbed because I knew it would never be the same with MM. But he kept calling even though we couldn't be physical and it made me think he cared about me as a person, as more than a plaything.

 

Then one day he called and he was really excited about this website he'd found, a dating site he'd joined. He gave me his username and password and wanted me to use my credit card so he'd be able to send messages. He said we'd talk to women and mock them and make fun of them and it would all be done together. I told him I didn't enjoy making fun of people, I think it's mean but Id help him. I was too curious not to, and whenever I've said no in the past he holds it over me.

 

So I did it, he gave me money to pay me back. When I told him it was done he said "now write to them." I did say no to that. A few days later I logged in when I knew he'd be sleeping. I saw the messages he'd written to girls. It hurt so much to see him moving on.

 

There was one message from a girl who had the right schedule, who would be discreet, who lived near his work. When I spoke to him next I asked how it was going and he said there was nothing. He said what are the chances of finding someone discreet, nearby, with the right schedule (everything this girl had said) and that it was impossible. I just stayed quiet because my head was spinning. I knew he was lying, but I didn't want him to know I'd read his messages.

 

Anyway, after a few weeks he said he let his membership expire. He said he'd talked to some girls on the phone but nothing more. One of them was 18 which sickens me. He's late forties.

 

So that is the sugar baby incident. He is sick and twisted. In the middle of it I tried to go NC. I told him it hurt too much to watch him moving on. Of course two days later I wrote him saying I was back. He said good, that it was more fun with me. I can now see how that comment could mean he enjoyed knowing it hurt me. In a way I think the whole episode was his revenge on me for getting a disease and taking away something he enjoyed.

 

He says he doesn't see anyone else, that he doesn't have time, but I don't believe him. I don't know why he won't tell me about it if he is seeing someone. I was always open with him. And I don't know why he won't break up with me. I've assured him that his wife finding out is the last thing I'd want to happen. It would hurt me far more than him.

 

Anyway than you for listening. I blocked him today on our texting app. It's not full NC blocking but for me it was a big step.

 

 

I think i just threw up in mouth.

 

I've seen the words narcissist and sociopath being thrown around. I've never really thought of people being that way but in this case...my oh my!

 

Girl...This man is special (and i don't mean that as a compliment).

 

Run from him, he needs help from a professional...so do you. You allowed this (insert your description of your married man here) treat you as if you were filming scenes for Fifty Shades of Grey (part 3). Why?

 

Not sure if i read it or not that you are seeing a therapist but if you aren't girl you need to see one fast..... (please know i'm saying this kindly).

[SoleMate]

Elaine, yes you are coming out of the fog. Next stop is with a therapist to get your bipolar under control, and to work on self-esteem, boundaries, and what a healthy relationship looks like.