Insecure about my my girlfriend's sexual experience.

[1-up]

Hello ?

 

I'm currently having some insecurity issues about my girlfriend's past relationship and sexual experience. I don't really have anyone I can speak to about this, so I'm hoping maybe I can get some advice.

 

I have suffered with anxiety and depression for years. I'm 27 and I've only had sex with one female because of it. I'm currently in a long distance relationship with someone from another country. We've been talking for 9 months now every single day, multiple times a day. She tells me everything she does, she messages me when she's out with friends, when she's at work, the second she wakes up, until she goes to sleep. We started talking as best friends rather than romantically. She told me a lot about her past sexual experiences, it shocked me at the time, but I didn't really care as there was no romantic interest. As time went on, we both developed feelings for eachother somehow. I trust her despite being cheated on with my only girlfriend in the past, she trusts me, our humour works together well, I'm emotional, she's logical, we're different, but we fit together like a puzzle piece personality wise.

 

She told me that she has done some pretty extreme stuff, with quite a few people sexually. She's dated a LOT of guys, from fitness instructors, to people in wheelchairs. She doesn't seem to care about my lack of experience at all. I on the other hand seem to be getting eaten away about the whole thing. I understand the past is the past, but just ignoring it seems ignorant to me. It's what made the person I care about after all. She's told me about who gave her the most pleasure, where and how she's had sex, told me her fantasies, her desired types etc. She has also told me how I'm not as handsome as her past boyfriends from an aesthetic point of view, but she finds me the most attractive as she likes who I am, and wouldn't change a thing about me. It's only started to bother me since we've become more serious, and started making plans for the future.

 

All of this is like a giant splinter in my brain. I feel like I'm a downgrade, that I will never match up to the extreme stuff she has done. I will always be compared, or just be settled for as she's already had her fun. We really care for eachother, but this is playing on my mind and upsetting me alot. I just want to be her best... I want to be desired rather than just accepted. I know that sounds spoiled, but I'm just describing my emotions.

 

I really don't want to ruin something special, but I want to feel comfortable. She's really accepted me on everything I've told her. I couldn't ask for her to be more understanding of my past, and I want to do the same for her. I just can't seem to beat this emotional response. I don't want to have sex with other girls to even the score, but I wonder how else I will actually get over this, or if I ever will.

 

There's also the fact that I'm inexperienced in relationships, and I lack tact with talking about this kind of stuff. I'm scared to lose her, or hurt her, but I'm also scared of losing my mind over insecurities like this...

[angel.eyes]

It's only started to bother me since we've become more serious, and started making plans for the future.

 

Nine months of messaging? Have you actually met in person? Any concrete plans with a timeline to meet soon and see each other in person on a regular basis? Until that happens this is all fantasy. For all you know, you're being catfished. It might even be by some bored zitty teenage boy.

[Emilia]

I was going to ask whether you've met her too. Sounds like you need to start going out more OP. Seriously.

[1-up]

I was having an anxiety attack. It sometimes makes me say, and do irrational things I don't really mean. I'm actually embarrassed. If a mod could delete this episode I had it would be appreciated lol.

 

She's not a catfish, we meet, couple of times a month.

 

I've had my anxiety set off by less. I need to just work on myself. Now I'm not even phased about the matter. Apologise for wasting your time.

[angel.eyes]

So...

I'm currently in a long distance relationship with someone from another country. We've been talking for 9 months now every single day, multiple times a day. She tells me everything she does, she messages me when she's out with friends, when she's at work, the second she wakes up, until she goes to sleep. We started talking as best friends rather than romantically. She told me a lot about her past sexual experiences, it shocked me at the time,

...but at 27, suffering from severe anxiety and depression, you have the financial wherewithal and emotional fortitude to be visiting someone in another country a couple of times a month?

 

She's not a catfish, we meet, couple of times a month.

 

I've had my anxiety set off by less. I need to just work on myself. Now I'm not even phased about the matter. Apologise for wasting your time.

 

Carry on then in Shangri La with your new girlfriend who dates hotties and guys in wheelchairs and does "extreme" things with all the guys she dates.

[Jabron1]

You just remember that each one is experience for the next.

 

You'll be fine

[Emilia]

I was having an anxiety attack. It sometimes makes me say, and do irrational things I don't really mean. I'm actually embarrassed. If a mod could delete this episode I had it would be appreciated lol.

 

She's not a catfish, we meet, couple of times a month.

 

I've had my anxiety set off by less. I need to just work on myself. Now I'm not even phased about the matter. Apologise for wasting your time.

Are you getting professional help?

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I can understand why you would feel this way

 

I think a lot of people seen as "inexperienced" have problems dating people who are more "experienced" because the feelings of " have I done enough? maybe I should go out there and experience more? What if she compares me to all these others?"

 

It does bend you out of shape and i know this from my personal experience being the " inexperienced" one.

 

I think what seems weird is that she boastfully told you about this stuff? like out of respect, I would think she should have kept this to herself? what experience do you have with having sex with people in wheelchairs or the extreme cases that she has had sex in or with? I think she should have chosen her audience a bit better? and then saying " your'e not the most attractive guy I've been with?" like that is just plain mean and insensitive.

 

I'm not sure what you should do, if however it is causing you to get more and more anxious and really feeding it, perhaps do not date anyone until you sort to that yourself? I'm not sure only you can be comfortable with you...

[dichotomy]

It sounds to me like your not healthy enough to date yet - even if the Girl you were considering had only 3 previous partners and a regular old sex life. You need to be healthy and focus on you.

 

But with these sexual experience differences between two people in a relationship - I always think it comes down to your sexual and relationship belief system. So ask yourself - IF - over the last 10 years you did not have depression and had the clear and easy opportunity to have casual sex with a bunch of random hot women - say 20-30 or more women - would you have? Why or why not ? Your answer should guide you as to whether your compatible with this woman - not judging her, or being insecure, but simply if you share the same beliefs because THAT is the key to a good relationship.

Edited July 6, 2016 by dichotomy

[Redhead14]

Hello ?

 

I'm currently having some insecurity issues about my girlfriend's past relationship and sexual experience. I don't really have anyone I can speak to about this, so I'm hoping maybe I can get some advice.

 

I have suffered with anxiety and depression for years. I'm 27 and I've only had sex with one female because of it. I'm currently in a long distance relationship with someone from another country. We've been talking for 9 months now every single day, multiple times a day. She tells me everything she does, she messages me when she's out with friends, when she's at work, the second she wakes up, until she goes to sleep. We started talking as best friends rather than romantically. She told me a lot about her past sexual experiences, it shocked me at the time, but I didn't really care as there was no romantic interest. As time went on, we both developed feelings for eachother somehow. I trust her despite being cheated on with my only girlfriend in the past, she trusts me, our humour works together well, I'm emotional, she's logical, we're different, but we fit together like a puzzle piece personality wise.

 

She told me that she has done some pretty extreme stuff, with quite a few people sexually. She's dated a LOT of guys, from fitness instructors, to people in wheelchairs. She doesn't seem to care about my lack of experience at all. I on the other hand seem to be getting eaten away about the whole thing. I understand the past is the past, but just ignoring it seems ignorant to me. It's what made the person I care about after all. She's told me about who gave her the most pleasure, where and how she's had sex, told me her fantasies, her desired types etc. She has also told me how I'm not as handsome as her past boyfriends from an aesthetic point of view, but she finds me the most attractive as she likes who I am, and wouldn't change a thing about me. It's only started to bother me since we've become more serious, and started making plans for the future.

 

All of this is like a giant splinter in my brain. I feel like I'm a downgrade, that I will never match up to the extreme stuff she has done. I will always be compared, or just be settled for as she's already had her fun. We really care for eachother, but this is playing on my mind and upsetting me alot. I just want to be her best... I want to be desired rather than just accepted. I know that sounds spoiled, but I'm just describing my emotions.

 

I really don't want to ruin something special, but I want to feel comfortable. She's really accepted me on everything I've told her. I couldn't ask for her to be more understanding of my past, and I want to do the same for her. I just can't seem to beat this emotional response. I don't want to have sex with other girls to even the score, but I wonder how else I will actually get over this, or if I ever will.

 

There's also the fact that I'm inexperienced in relationships, and I lack tact with talking about this kind of stuff. I'm scared to lose her, or hurt her, but I'm also scared of losing my mind over insecurities like this...

 

I think, given your emotional "status", you are only attracted/attached to her because it's "safe". Being in a virtual relationship is simply easier in some ways for people who have the kinds of issues you have. You've never met this woman in person? Yet, you are attracted to and trust her???

 

Also, given the fact that you are inexperienced in relationships, this one will be extremely difficult for you to be able to manage if you do eventually meet and spend time with her.

 

I'd say back off this one, it's a fool's errand. Relationships are difficult enough without having this kind of a "seed" planted in your psyche. There are other threads on these boards that talk about exactly what you are describing and those thread starters have struggled immensely dealing with the insecurity of knowing their partners were so much more experienced.

 

This is one reason for not sharing too much about sexual history early in a relationship. A relationship can withstand this kind of information only if it's well-established and both parties are completely and totally secure in it. In other words, after the relationship has a strong foundation and both parties are satisfied, it's OK to share those kinds of intimate details.

[Robert]

The thread starter hasn't been back to the site since their latest post, so we will close this up. If they wish to request it be reopened, they can do that via the 'Alert Us' button on this post.

 

Thanks,

~6