I feel like i have everything EXCEPT what really matters

[SteelFox]

How can a guy have so many good things in life and still be missing the important stuff?

 

I have a nice house, cars, and a good paying job. I’m young and have good health. I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I eat well and people say I am an excellent cook. I have a huge garage, farm critters, and all the hobbies/work I could want. I have a great relationship with my parents. My coworkers generally like me. My boss has nothing but compliments about my performance. In the middle of all of this, I feel terribly alone. I don’t have many friends, and when I try to make friends nobody seems to have time for me. I live far away from good friends I’ve known for years. My best friend is going through some hard times and we only get to talk once a week and see each other twice a year. I went through a divorce four years ago and while I feel like I’ve gotten over the worst of it and I’ve even learned a few things, I miss marriage. I don't necessarily miss my ex wife (I have a hard time remembering her now), but I miss the comfortable familiarity and companionship of married life and the social circle that I had before I was forced to move away.

 

Most of the time I am able to ignore my dissatisfaction with life because I stay so busy. There are times, though, when I go home and I feel absolutely terrible. I drink a bit to go to sleep so that I can go back to work and survive another day. My job pays well, but it is stressful and demanding. There are some days where I wonder about which is worse – going to work or having to leave work at the end of the day to go home. It is also almost impossible to meet girls or make real friends at work because everyone is married, and married people don’t seem to have time for friends. There is also a cultural barrier – most of the people I work with are Hispanic and are not eager to hang out with white people. I’ve tried to meet people outside of work, but I’ve found that people in my age range (20-30) with a personality anything like mine are almost impossible to find at churches and social venues. Last time I went to my church I ended up so depressed I left in the middle of service to go cry in my car – embarrassing!

 

I’ve tried online dating. It hasn’t worked. I’ve met some crazy people and I have some interesting stories to tell, but that’s about it. I’ve been stalked, cheated on, scammed, harassed, and ignored. But unfortunately OLD remains the best tool for meeting people since other methods haven’t worked. I’m looking for a specific kind of person and I’m finding nothing. I even tried the “stop looking and they will find you” method all of last year, and got exactly what I looked for – nobody. I do my best to seem happy and cheerful at work, and confident/attractive/successful to people that I am interested in dating. In private, I worry all the time that everybody might see through the exterior show I’m putting on.

 

I’m not very picky about friendships. Just looking for people who are tolerant of different political/social views, might share some common interests, and actually make time to hang out with people. That’s the tough part – nobody has time to get off of Facebook and away from the TV to do stuff. I’m more picky about dating. I need someone who WANTS to live in the country and likes doing stuff outside. I want someone who is talkative, curious, and interested in life in general. It’s amazing how many people are uninterested and have so little to say. It makes conversations (online, on the phone, and in person) hard to start and maintain, and is the #1 reason why I have trouble dating.

 

At this point, I just don’t know what to do. I’m sick of having nobody local to hang out with. I’m so worn out with the squirrelly people I do find that I am scared to trust anybody. I talk with my parents about it, but I don’t want to open up too much and either worry them or make them depressed like I am. My best friend has his own problems and I don’t want to add to them. I feel like I have nobody I can actually open up to anymore, and I feel out of options to find the things I want in life that matter most – good friends and a family of my own. Is there some method of fixing this?

[Satu]

Have you tried the Common Interest route?

 

Look for societies and clubs centred around what you are most interested in.

 

When you meet somebody in that context, you know you have something in common right from start, and something to talk about.

 

I met a previous partner at an astronomical society meeting, and two of my closest friends at a violin group.

 

I do mean clubs and societies that are active in the real world, rather than on the internet.

 

Give it some thought.

 

 

Take care.

[normal person]

That’s the tough part – nobody has time to get off of Facebook and away from the TV to do stuff. I’m more picky about dating. I need someone who WANTS to live in the country and likes doing stuff outside. I want someone who is talkative, curious, and interested in life in general.

 

Therein lies your problem. The country is very sparsely populated. Arkansas has a low population density. So accept that your dating pool is incredibly small to begin with. Then consider that for every criterion you have in a partner, your odds of finding her decrease exponentially. If you live in a rural area and have any set of standards, I'd be surprised if your dating pool was bigger than 2 or 3 women for a 20 mile radius. Then you actually have to cross paths with that women (which you are statistically unlikely to ever do), and get her to like you too. In my opinion that's not an efficient use of your time if you're looking for a partner. That's an incredibly low yield exercise that you may never succeed with.

 

If you want to catch a fish, look in the ocean, not in a puddle.

 

It’s amazing how many people are uninterested and have so little to say. It makes conversations (online, on the phone, and in person) hard to start and maintain, and is the #1 reason why I have trouble dating.

 

I think lots of people in general are just bad at life, hence the problem you have. So many people just succumb to the demands of life and lose the ability to challenge or push themselves to do different things, or even maintain conversations, and muster up interesting or exciting opinions.

 

At this point, I just don’t know what to do. I’m sick of having nobody local to hang out with. I feel like I have nobody I can actually open up to anymore, and I feel out of options to find the things I want in life that matter most – good friends and a family of my own. Is there some method of fixing this?

 

Your odds of finding a single woman you like in rural Arkansas are absolutely abysmal. If there are no women left, you need to move to a large city, one with a population of at least a million people. If you do that, your dating pool increases from a few to a few hundred. Bigger cities are usually more sexually liberal and people get married later in life. You'll have the best odds there. Good luck.

Edited June 19, 2016 by normal person

[SteelFox]

Your odds of finding a single woman you like in rural Arkansas are absolutely abysmal. If there are no women left, you need to move to a large city, one with a population of at least a million people. If you do that, your dating pool increases from a few to a few hundred. Bigger cities are usually more sexually liberal and people get married later in life. You'll have the best odds there. Good luck.

 

Therein lies the problem. I don't LIKE or WANT someone who is sexually liberal. I'm a very conservative person in those areas, and finding someone who is likeminded is nearly impossible. I can be friends with all kinds of people, but would never consider a relationship with someone who has had a ton of partners and thinks that is okay. I'm celibate by choice, not by lack of availability. I could go home with all kinds of girls from the city I work in, but I don't see that sort of thing as responsible or desirable as it won't lead to a deep and lasting relationship. I tried dating a couple of people like that and it did not work out at all.

 

And I have a ton of time and money invested in my place in the country, and it is exactly where I want to be. There's a ton of family history where I'm at as well, and I'm not about to move. I grew up in a big city and couldn't stand it. The crime, the filth, the leftist political views, the traffic.... I could go on. I left there because the other three commonly available choices for young people were a life of dead-end low wage jobs, crime/prison, or death by gang violence.

 

I actually found my ex wife in a small town, and she had been raised in a nearly non-existent smaller town. But... we went to a tiny little rural college together and that's how we met. What I didn't know was that all she was looking for was a way out. She thought I was leaving, but instead I settled down right where we were at.

[SteelFox]

Have you tried the Common Interest route?

 

Look for societies and clubs centred around what you are most interested in.

 

When you meet somebody in that context, you know you have something in common right from start, and something to talk about.

 

I met a previous partner at an astronomical society meeting, and two of my closest friends at a violin group.

 

I do mean clubs and societies that are active in the real world, rather than on the internet.

 

Give it some thought.

 

 

Take care.

 

I actually hadn't thought about clubs. Some of my interests are more common to men (cars, target shooting, farming, etc) but people have sisters, cousins, and friends and around here people do make introductions. That might be a good thing. Up until this year I worked nights, but now with my latest promotion and my schedule change, it might really work!

[JstarTheCat]

I've never understood people who move to get a job, a spouse, whatever. Find the area you like, and then go from there. Life will mold itself to you given enough time.

 

I know it's hard, but think positively. As you say, you already have almost everything, and you are still under 30. You may get older, but there will always be a new group of girls turning 18 every year. You will be attractive enough to many people because of what you have, which increases the chances of getting what you want.

 

As others have said, find some clubs that will boost your odds of finding common interests. Even if you don't think that a sexually liberal girl would be your soulmate, you can always find someone temporary to fill that gap in your life until you meet "The One." Also, since you are divorced you might look specifically for divorced women who can understand your pain and are a little more mature than the young girls who are just out of school. Time could actually be your friend on this.

[redbaron007]

How about dance classes: swing, for example?

[LookAtThisPOst]

Wow, reading the OP's post is almost like looking in a mirror. True, I meet a lot of unengaging, thoughtless, and vapid people like the OP or people who just don't value forming bonds be it friendship or relationships is simply not there.

 

The sense of urgency and motivation to get people to "get out" and do things is just "blah" to them.

 

Funny, how people "appear" to have fun and having a "good time" as they post pics on Facebook, but are they really?

 

I recall a refreshing young woman approaching me out of the blue at an event I went to, unfortunately she was married...but quite the engaging, talkative person. We had a lot of shared interests and I thought to myself, "Damn, where was I when she was single?!" lol

 

Most people that I approach at events are with are either WITH someone, or purposely choosing to be short and unengaging. It's like they are in their own little click

And in small towns it can be like that...if you're a "townie", meaning if you haven't been friends with them since at LEAST HIGH SCHOOL...they'd prefer not to get to know you.

 

Yep, there are some small town, fishbowl communities that don't care to engage in outsiders.

 

I recall talking to a woman on OK Cupid, her company had "stationed" her in this small city and she had to resort to online dating to meet single men.

 

I contacted her as she lives within minutes, but she felt that she was too liberal for me or something and...for the rest of this town and had no qualms traveling miles outside of THIS town to some neighboring big city. She had an issue with religious types and I think she lumped me into the Bible beater section, even though I tried convinced her I was not one of THOSE types.

 

I really saw no issue with it, as she was into the same outdoor activities as I am and she was rather intelligent and I was attracted to that mostly alone.

 

She said in the big picture it all didn't matter, as she'll be leaving this town within a few months to go back to Europe...her home country as her company stationed her out here.

 

So I was saying, "So, you're leaving in a few months...why not give me a shot?" (I was kind of thinking, she doesn't have to be 'the one' it could just be a summer romance. lol). When she leaves, I could take her to the airport and have that last one...romantic kiss...and then have a summer romance story to tell. ;-) lol

[normal person]

Therein lies the problem. I don't LIKE or WANT someone who is sexually liberal. I'm a very conservative person in those areas, and finding someone who is likeminded is nearly impossible. I can be friends with all kinds of people, but would never consider a relationship with someone who has had a ton of partners and thinks that is okay. I'm celibate by choice, not by lack of availability. I could go home with all kinds of girls from the city I work in, but I don't see that sort of thing as responsible or desirable as it won't lead to a deep and lasting relationship. I tried dating a couple of people like that and it did not work out at all.

 

By "sexually liberal" I don't mean "sleeps with anything that breathes," I mean people that are interested in taking their time, seeing what's out there in terms of partners rather than settling down and getting married when they're 22 before they can fully comprehend something like that. Where people aren't getting married so quickly, you'll have more options. Perhaps you're celibate by choice and lack of availability. Your whole post was more or less about how there was no one else around. I'm not saying "go sleep with everyone the night you might them," but there's got to be a happy medium where you date someone, make a decision as to whether or not you want to continue doing so, then take it to the next level or decide to move on.

 

And I have a ton of time and money invested in my place in the country, and it is exactly where I want to be. There's a ton of family history where I'm at as well, and I'm not about to move. I grew up in a big city and couldn't stand it. The crime, the filth, the leftist political views, the traffic.... I could go on. I left there because the other three commonly available choices for young people were a life of dead-end low wage jobs, crime/prison, or death by gang violence.

 

That's perfectly fine, but you've got to accept the fact that in doing so, you've isolated yourself and made it extraordinarily difficult to meet women. You want to have your cake and eat it too. You want to cross paths with, meet, and interact with women but you're not willing to sacrifice the seclusion that prevents you from doing it. I also find it hard to believe that you only had three options for your future, all which were unfavorable. You seem like an articulate, intelligent person, I don't see any reason why you couldn't succeed wherever you were.

 

I actually found my ex wife in a small town, and she had been raised in a nearly non-existent smaller town. But... we went to a tiny little rural college together and that's how we met. What I didn't know was that all she was looking for was a way out. She thought I was leaving, but instead I settled down right where we were at.

 

So if you're implying that it's so easy and simple to meet people in small, non-existent towns, what's the problem? Just do it again.

[preraph]

There are some people who are always making the best of what they have in life, and then there are some who are never satisfied and never feel fulfilled. You should be grateful you have all the comforts you have, though I'm sure you earned them.

 

You describe wanting someone to accept your different social and political views. To me, that says that a lot of people disagree or are repelled by your extreme views, so maybe you need to examine yourself and see if you need to adjust some of your thinking.

 

It can be hard to find people these days who like to do outdoor things, but not impossible. Still OLD is probably not the best way to find those. Outdoor people are outdoor doing things in your own or neighboring communities, not inside staring at the computer. So get involved in any local functions, volunteer to work at local street fairs, farmer's market, rodeos, fishing contests, whatever. Get out there and get active. Good luck.

[major_merrick]

Don't change yourself to suit someone else. It deceives them and frustrates you. There's someone out there, but when you want something specific it can be difficult. I sympathize with your struggle to leave city life. I grew up in similar circumstances, and what you say about the negative choices is very accurate. Leaving at a young age and never going back is the best option.

 

I like some of what preraph says, and disagree with some of it. If your politics are different than most people's, that isn't bad. Most people in this world are ignorant and illogical. Feel free to disagree and be independent. However, if you are wise and logical, it makes finding an acceptable partner so much harder than it is for the average person who is content to chase the lottery with the rest of the Proles.

 

The point about finding outdoor people by doing outdoor things is a good one. If your outdoor activities are the solitary kind such as hiking into parts unknown, THAT might be the thing to change.

 

I got lucky with my job, house, and area being exactly where I wanted. But it took me a long time of searching to find the love of my life.

[Justanaverageguy]

Don't change yourself to suit someone else. It deceives them and frustrates you.

 

As with all things in life change can be seen in both a good and bad light. It depends on how you make the change that makes the difference. Changing yourself in false way to fit in is not usually a good thing. Pretending you have beliefs you don't - acting in an unnatural way to gain others approval etc. However being a stick in the mud who doesn't change at all is even worse.

 

Real change comes through natural growth and expansion. This occurs when you free yourself to pursue new interests and activities that push yourself outside your comfort zone. You discover new skills, gain confidence and normally learn to see things in a much broader perspective. It also means you will meet a lot of new people which would be helpful with his current issues

 

 

I like some of what preraph says, and disagree with some of it. If your politics are different than most people's, that isn't bad. Most people in this world are ignorant and illogical. However, if you are wise and logical, it makes finding an acceptable partner so much harder than it is for the average person who is content to chase the lottery with the rest of the Proles.

 

 

Again depends on what your politics are - different is neither good nor bad. But certain politics are definitely worse then others. Generally speaking anyone who is extreme on either end of the spectrum be it left or right ..... is what I would consider ignorant and illogical. The inability to see the merit in both points of view and understand they both have strengths and weaknesses is my definition of ignorant. The OP's comments about "lefties" leads me to believe he is quite extreme right wing which for me is not a good sign. Those on the extreme end tend to also have the strongest most vocal and stubborn viewpoints because of their inability to understand what the other side has to say. This does lead to problems in dating .... because your views will be very strong and rigid but also in the very small minority causing you to alienate yourself from the vast majority of people who have more balanced views. In my opinion wisdom lies in the middle and see's both sides and can relate to both - this normally opens the field so you have a much wider pool of compatible people

Edited June 20, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

[Toodaloo]

Blimey this made me laugh...

 

I am so rural its sometimes a shock to drive on roads that do not have grass growing in the middle.

 

It was worse as I was living in a tiny cottage in the middle of no where and had no neighbours. I moved a few months ago and now have neighbours who are mostly a great bunch of folk.

 

I look out of the window at work and see guys butchering deer... I may see foxes run across the fields and I have seen the "mythical" white stag...

 

I love it. I could easily spend 3 or 4 days not speaking to anyone sometimes.

 

So I make an effort.

 

When I go shopping I strike up random conversations, I go out to dance classes and yoga and I volunteer, I smile a lot for no reason! I try to be a sociable as possible...

 

Keep at it with OLD but learn to filter better so you get fewer crazies.

 

Talk to people when you go shopping. Take your time. Look around you closely.

[SteelFox]

Again depends on what your politics are - different is neither good nor bad. But certain politics are definitely worse then others. Generally speaking anyone who is extreme on either end of the spectrum be it left or right ..... is what I would consider ignorant and illogical. The inability to see the merit in both points of view and understand they both have strengths and weaknesses is my definition of ignorant. The OP's comments about "lefties" leads me to believe he is quite extreme right wing which for me is not a good sign. Those on the extreme end tend to also have the strongest most vocal and stubborn viewpoints because of their inability to understand what the other side has to say. This does lead to problems in dating .... because your views will be very strong and rigid but also in the very small minority causing you to alienate yourself from the vast majority of people who have more balanced views. In my opinion wisdom lies in the middle and see's both sides and can relate to both - this normally opens the field so you have a much wider pool of compatible people

 

In general, when it comes to politics, my philosophy is "more freedom is better," albeit tempered with responsibility. I can never agree with someone who believes that rights are granted by the government, rather than being inherent to human beings themselves. But I've found that politics is more of an indicator of someone's overall lifestyle - a yardstick, if you will, that indicates how someone likely acts toward others as well as how they think and solve problems. Around here, I find plenty of people with politics just like mine, just very few who are single. Anyway, that part is getting off topic for this section of the forum and I don't want to irritate folks or derail the discussion

 

I've been doing some thinking this week about how to get involved with other people. Joining a club or social group related to one of my interests could work. A big one is community gardening. There are gardens locally where people donate their time to raise organic food for the needy. An hour or two a week could be well worth it, and even if I don't meet someone at least I'm doing something for others so there's nothing to lose. It's a plan of action, which is a lot better than what I had a week ago.

 

On the bright side, an acquaintance of mine at work has introduced me to a single young lady in another department. There seems to be a spark there, and although there is a language barrier we already laugh and crack jokes after only a couple of days of knowing each other. We also have almost exactly the same work schedule, which helps. At the least, I can make a friend.