tom5170 Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 My mom has been with her boyfriend for about 6 years. He's actually our neighbor next door. Since the beginning of their relationship, until now, she has complained about basically the same stuff and nothing changes. I am 24 and I live with her. Pretty much everyone in our family has died including her friends. My dad died 7 years ago and my mom and him were married for 30 years. Her boyfriend's wife died 6 months after my dad died so there's some common ground for them. She struggles with loneliness, low self confidence, and possibly dependency issues. He has no back bone, is very weak, very wimpy, won't stand up for my mom and treats her in not so good ways. She gets onto him constantly for his ways and how he treats her. She also gets onto him about how he enables his son's behaviors. He used to be quiet when she got mad at him, and now he gets onto her by being an ******* and being cocky. He loves getting my mom mad and uses his faults as a weapon. He's basically in denial. Her boyfriend lives with his grown adult son in his house. His son doesn't work, and smokes pot all day and drinks - he's an alcoholic. He claims he can't work because of health reasons. His son doesn't want my mom around and she's not welcomed at their house. Her boyfriend pay's all of the son's bills including his mortgage, booze, pot, etc. Her boyfriend's grand son used to live with them, and he used to start trouble with my mom and her boyfriend let him do it which made my mom mad. My mom has been accepted by all of his family including in laws though. When he's at home, he stays at his house and doesn't come over to our house. He acts like a complete stranger. When my mom calls him, he answers and gets mad like she's bugging him. Sometimes my mom calls his phone and lets it ring 3 times before she hangs up so he can have enough time to run into another room and answer it away from his son. He never spends time with my mom except at night they go to a restaurant or on the weekends they go away for the night. He has a sister in law that manages a doctor's office that he works at. I also started working there and she's also my boss. My mom thinks he's in love with her because his disposition is different around her. She has helped him out throughout he years and he's extremely loyal to her. He practically caters to her and he thinks she wouldn't know what to do without him. He would rather jump and do stuff for her and be around her than be with my mom. Last week at work, she (his sister in law) asked him where he was sunday (which he was with my mom), and he stuttered and hesitated to her, it was as if he felt she was putting him on the spot, so he lied to her and brought my mom into it. He said "she's gotta stop doing stuff to me, i'd like to bat her" - referring to my mom. All she wanted to know was is where he was sunday because he didn't go to her house like he usually does. But he acted like he couldn't tell her he was with my mom. So afterwards I told my boss he was with my mom sunday. does anyone want to know more details? should i stay out of it? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 Yeah, I'd stay out of it. Your mom has been choosing this dysfunctional relationship for 6yrs now and at her age she should know better. Since she wants to be with this guy there is little you can do. Don't make their drama your drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tom5170 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Share Posted June 19, 2016 It's very annoying. She has given up her best friend for him. She literally obsesses over her relationship with him everyday. She's lost her mind over it. She's exhausted but she still stays. I sometimes can't stand being around her. She's very stagnant, habitual, repetitive, etc. She's comfortable with it now. And she would rather put up with it than be alone because she has a fear of being alone. She also isn't the strongest mentally. So him and her together is bad. I can't be mad at him because she's still with him. And I'm also close (or so it seems) to his sister in law. There has been times when my mom has tried to drag me into their crap by making up stuff about me saying stuff about him in hopes it would change his behavior but it never has. He's a very weak man. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 How old is your mom? People with a fear of being alone won't get over that fear until they face it, meaning they have to be alone until they get comfortable being alone. Has your mom ever sought therapy? Are you able to suggest therapy in a way that won't offend her? You shouldn't get in the middle of her relationship problems because that will just create drama that you don't need, but if you could gently encourage your mom to get professional help that would be good. I know how annoying it is to be around someone who is obsessed with their dysfunctional relationship. It's all they care about and all they talk about. They think the whole world revolves around their obsession. You could try setting some boundaries for yourself regarding that. Tell your mom that there is a limit to how much she can talk to you about her relationship or just tell her you are willing to support her in getting out of the relationship but as long as she is unwilling to make a change you no longer want the details of every little drama she has. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tom5170 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Share Posted June 19, 2016 She's 62. She's ranted to his sister in law about him and even his other in laws. They all seem understanding of her, especially his sister in law. But then his sister in law encourages them and says stuff like she thinks they were meant to be together and for my mom to just basically ignore everything because he's weak. Or they give him excuses like how his wife was mean or beat him which to me only proves how weak he is. It's not really fair for my mom but she continues to try to empathize with him and his issues with his son and himself and his past. But he still puts my mom as the last person in his life out of loyalty for his family. He's scared to tell anyone he is with my mom or spending time with her. He's a very weak guy that makes no sense to me. My mom thinks his drinking did something to his brain. She won't get help. She is the way she is because she had everyone take charge. My dad used to do everything. My grandma used to do everything for her that my dad wouldn't. She gets very intimidated just to handle any responsibility and worries 24/7 because of it. She has to stand on her own and she clams up. But she's fully capable of handling stuff yet she makes excuses and becomes passive and talks about how stupid she is. I think they're both messed up and it creates just the right amount of bad balance to keep the relationship going. I don't know what he wants from my mom though. He puts her last everytime Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 Why don't you move out? Your mum's relationship is her problem, not yours. If she doesn't have friends, she needs to leave the house and make some. How does your presence help her at all with this situation? It doesn't, it only serves to ruin your life. You are 24, what you doing living at home still? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tom5170 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Share Posted June 19, 2016 I work and go to school. it's really much more convenient for me to live here for now. I'm out most of the day busy. And even if I didn't live here, her boyfriend still wouldn't come around because he doesn't want his son to know he's spending time with my mom. I don't see how I'm an issue living with my mom. I do my share of paying bills/buying household stuff, or just give money, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 I work and go to school. it's really much more convenient for me to live here for now. I'm out most of the day busy. And even if I didn't live here, her boyfriend still wouldn't come around because he doesn't want his son to know he's spending time with my mom. I don't see how I'm an issue living with my mom. I do my share of paying bills/buying household stuff, or just give money, etc. Because you are not independent. A man living with his mum because it's convenient is viewed like a boy. A man strives for independence. The whole thread makes you sound like a boy rather than a man. Time to grow up, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tom5170 Posted June 22, 2016 Author Share Posted June 22, 2016 That doesn't make me any less of a man. I'm not going to live here forever. I'm only 24. I have my whole life ahead of me. It's easier to live here financially and achieve my goal of getting my degree. I'm striving for independence. It takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
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