Stranger approach: Asking a woman out in presence of her friend(s)

[redbaron007]

So it's summer again and here in sunny Cali there are music festivals, art and antique fairs, pirate festivals, you name it...with throngs of lovely single women attending these events...now my question that continues to puzzle me: how do you ask out a woman right while her friend(s) are standing next to her.

Case in point: Today I went to a Pirate festival and within the first 30 minutes, I spotted a young woman wearing an intricately crafted red fox mask, complete with a jade stone on it's forehead. I complimented her on the mask whereupon she removed the mask to enthusiastically talk about how she found the mask and the artist on Etsy. I realized that not only was she very, very pretty, but we had a great vibe going where our conversation started with the mask, then moved to what she was doing (graphic designer), art in general and her artistic origins. She even whipped out her phone and showed me some artistic stuff that she admired on Etsy. I thought our vibes were so good that I should ask her for her number right there. As if right on cue, her girlfriend showed up and stood next to her. The girlfriend noticed we were busy talking so stood by silently checking her phone, but I thought it was impolite to ignore her, so complimented her on her costume as well (cool bat wings). This inevitably broke the momentum of the dialogue I had been having with the first woman, and now that I was engaging the friend in the dialogue, I was unable to take the conversation back to the first woman (the one I liked), then progress to asking her out...

This has happened to me before (woman with one or more friends) and I also notice at outdoor events that many women go out with one or more of their girlfriends.

 

So my question to the women: if you are single, and out at a music fest with a girlfriend and a stranger approaches and chats with you, then asks you out while your girlfriend is standing right next to you watching you two, what would your response be if you happen to like this stranger guy? Would your response be different if you were by yourself? (non-alcoholic situation, daytime venue)

 

My question to men: Have any of you asked women out right in front of the woman's friend(s)? Especially if you've just met the woman at say, a coffee shop or music fest. (non-alcoholic situation, daytime venue)

 

For those advising against such "cold approaches", I understand that cold approaches are a total crap-shoot but if I don't approach women at such fun daytime events, I feel I'm missing out a lot of chances, so I do it anyways. And no, I don't intend to have a wingman to engage the friends.

Edited June 19, 2016 by redbaron007

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

My question to men: Have any of you asked women out right in front of the woman's friend(s)? Especially if you've just met the woman at say, a coffee shop or music fest. (non-alcoholic situation, daytime venue)

 

For those advising against such "cold approaches", I understand that cold approaches are a total crap-shoot but if I don't approach women at such fun daytime events, I feel I'm missing out a lot of chances, so I do it anyways. And no, I don't intend to have a wingman to engage the friends.

 

Have you ever had any success with cold approach?

 

My opinion is that only a minority of women are normally open to cold approach and certain guys typically can make that happen.

 

I have approached hundreds of women in bars and clubs over the years and only once did I ever even get a phone #. But I am not you. Some of my friends have had a little success and some of my acquaintances have done quite well.

 

The problem with cold approach is that you're viewing women like candy in a candy store. So ... they view you the same. In other words, your looks will go a long way in cold approach.

[Satu]

I agree.

 

And cold approaches can make a man look a bit desperate.

[brothers343]

The first time I asked a woman out in front of her friends was 13 years ago.......it was nerve racking becouse though she might think your attractive her friends may have alot of influence on her. Life is about challenges and chances. Some you win and some you loose. In my case I won becouse she became my wife 5 months after I met her. So in my opinion you should always take the challenge becouse there's a chance he or she might be the one. Good luck.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I agree.

 

And cold approaches can make a man look a bit desperate.

 

Right, when you approach in that fashion...you better have a good reason. Usually waiting in lines for the same thing is a good reason to strike up a conversation as you have a captured audience.

[preraph]

From my perspective as a woman, here's the way it should go. Everyone is standing around with friends. If they're not, I'd be wondering what's wrong with them. So you can't eliminate women standing with friends or you eliminate normal women.

 

You should go up and talk to the group and not just to the one with the biggest boobs or blond hair or the one you think from afar is the hottest. Because there's no guarantee she is your best match. Still, it is tricky to jump from one to the other. So you just try to get a group conversation going about whatever is surrounding you, the band, the beautiful weather, whatever. Then you pay attention to who is most eager to talk to you and smiling, and you keep an eye on the one you're most attracted to, but if she's not responding much, then you don't waste your time there and talk to the friendly one or even the quiet one if they're standing and smiling quietly at you.

 

One ideal way to handle the next step is if there is a date coming up, a band coming, and you ask if anyone is going to that. If some act like they might, you can say, Well, hope to see you there, and then you see who shows up at that gig or whatever it is, because they are probably coming wanting to see you again.

 

If nothing like that is available, your options are to see if the small group of women want to continue the party at your place or some other place, and see if some at that point drop out and some go with you. Now you've narrowed your field by who is at all interested in you. If none even consider going, you're working the wrong group of girls. Move on.

 

If a couple want to go, then go. Let them go to the ladies' room and talk to each other first in case one talks the other one into dropping out so she can have you all to herself.

 

If you can't do any of that, then slipping someone your cell number is about all you can do. Or ask for their phone and put your number in. But if you want meeting women to work, you have to let them have some say in the choosing process too, and you will have more success if you keep an open mind about that.

[redbaron007]

Have you ever had any success with cold approach?

My definition of success is pretty modest, no matter the type of approach: If I happen to encounter a woman I find attractive, and I am able to articulate to her that I find her attractive and that I would like to get to know her better, I consider the interaction successful. Note this is independent of outcome.

 

But I have not been very successful at even this modest goal, precisely because most of the women I would like to approach are with at least one girlfriend accompanying them.

 

Also, I have myself not pursued certain interactions where the young woman was overly enthusiastic and later in the conversation I realized she was either 18, 19, 20 where I could not even ask her out for a drink. This has happened at least 5-6 times. I did not intentionally target these younger women, they just were taller than average and appeared very grounded. I'm looking for a steady GF, not a fling, so in these instances I just wished them well and ended the interaction.

 

My opinion is that only a minority of women are normally open to cold approach and certain guys typically can make that happen.

I tend to agree. The ones who are open tend to be very young, 18-20.

 

I have approached hundreds of women in bars and clubs over the years and only once did I ever even get a phone #. But I am not you. Some of my friends have had a little success and some of my acquaintances have done quite well.

 

I don't go to clubs. I visit my local pub for my single pint of Guinness every other weekend. It's just not my scene.

 

The problem with cold approach is that you're viewing women like candy in a candy store. So ... they view you the same. In other words, your looks will go a long way in cold approach.

 

That could be true for the "players" who want to "score lays" but I don't consciously go out with the goal of approaching women. I do my normal stuff like going shopping, or outdoor events and if I see attractive women, I try and initiate a conversation with them.

 

My question though is specific to outdoor weekend events like street festivals and music festivals. The mood is friendly, people are more relaxed and I would think single women would be open to meeting guys in such a safe environment. I just have to accept the fact that most single women will be with their friends, and ask them out anyways.

[redbaron007]

Preraph - if you were not a woman, I would totally consider you an "ace player/PUA".

 

From my perspective as a woman, here's the way it should go. Everyone is standing around with friends. If they're not, I'd be wondering what's wrong with them. So you can't eliminate women standing with friends or you eliminate normal women.

Though I don't think there's anything wrong with women who are by themselves, I agree that most women do go out with their friends.

 

You should go up and talk to the group and not just to the one with the biggest boobs or blond hair or the one you think from afar is the hottest. Because there's no guarantee she is your best match. Still, it is tricky to jump from one to the other. So you just try to get a group conversation going about whatever is surrounding you, the band, the beautiful weather, whatever. Then you pay attention to who is most eager to talk to you and smiling, and you keep an eye on the one you're most attracted to, but if she's not responding much, then you don't waste your time there and talk to the friendly one or even the quiet one if they're standing and smiling quietly at you.

 

One ideal way to handle the next step is if there is a date coming up, a band coming, and you ask if anyone is going to that. If some act like they might, you can say, Well, hope to see you there, and then you see who shows up at that gig or whatever it is, because they are probably coming wanting to see you again.

 

If nothing like that is available, your options are to see if the small group of women want to continue the party at your place or some other place, and see if some at that point drop out and some go with you. Now you've narrowed your field by who is at all interested in you. If none even consider going, you're working the wrong group of girls. Move on.

 

If a couple want to go, then go. Let them go to the ladies' room and talk to each other first in case one talks the other one into dropping out so she can have you all to herself.

 

If you can't do any of that, then slipping someone your cell number is about all you can do. Or ask for their phone and put your number in. But if you want meeting women to work, you have to let them have some say in the choosing process too, and you will have more success if you keep an open mind about that.

This is very insightful. It does involves a little "dance" with the whole group, but I will definitely try it. Also, I totally agree that open-mindedness is key. Hence, as I indicated in my other post, my view of success is that I am able to initiate a conversation with a woman I find attractive. Whether she likes me or not is something I cannot control.

[redbaron007]

The first time I asked a woman out in front of her friends was 13 years ago.......it was nerve racking becouse though she might think your attractive her friends may have alot of influence on her. Life is about challenges and chances. Some you win and some you loose. In my case I won becouse she became my wife 5 months after I met her. So in my opinion you should always take the challenge becouse there's a chance he or she might be the one. Good luck.

 

That is such a romantic story, where your boldness paid off big-time! Good for you guys! If you don't mind, please share some details as to how you handled the interaction in presence of her friends, especially the tricky transition from friendly banter to indicating romantic interest. Thanks!

[Justanaverageguy]

I agree.

 

And cold approaches can make a man look a bit desperate.

 

Yes and no. It totally depends on the situation and how it is done. Often guys who go out with the mindset "I need to get a number" will end up coming off desperate because that is all they are thinking about when they talk to the girl and it comes across. Also how relaxed and confident the guy is - how he asks and how he reads the situation plays a big part.

 

I don't do it that often but I do occasionally and I know the times its worked and the times it hasn't. I tend to find cold approaches normally work best when you aren't actually trying to get a number .... which I know sounds kind of counter intuitive. But if I'm just in a really good mood and out to have fun I tend to be more outgoing, confident and often will just strike up conversations with people because that's what I do when Im in a good mood. Sounds similar to the OP..

 

I feel when the conversation is genuine and natural - not just purely a traditional cold approach where you walk up with some small talk and ask for her number - girls are generally more receptive to giving digits or facebook details. I also have a dog who is probably the best wingman ever. Seriously dogs in the park is where it is at. He does all the approach work and I just follow in after I think everyone knows the dog thing works - and its because a dog breaks the ice and makes the conversation seem natural instead of creepy. My last semi serious girlfriend I met randomly in the park with my dog. She said she had a dog too we got talking and she showed me pictures of her dog and I said I we should setup a play date for them. She was with 3 or 4 friends at the time. But it was a date for the dogs .... not us ... even though we both new the deal. It just takes the pressure off both asking and agreeing to meet with a random person.

 

You want to try and replicate that type of "energy" if you're interested in doing cold approaches. Make the girl feel comfortable - not pressured or creeped out and it really helps if you can give a real reason for wanting to see her again and ask for her details based on the conversation you had. For example the OP here instead of just saying can i have your number - can use the fact he knows she is an artist as his reason for asking. Her enthuiasm about her mask clearly showed she was very chuffed someone noticed her artistic style. So if he asked something like I would really love to see some of your own artwork - he can then use that as the reason for asking for her number. It makes the approach more genuine and based on the conversation you had with her and something that is uniquely about her.

Edited June 20, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

[JuneJulySeptember]

That could be true for the "players" who want to "score lays" but I don't consciously go out with the goal of approaching women. I do my normal stuff like going shopping, or outdoor events and if I see attractive women, I try and initiate a conversation with them.

 

My question though is specific to outdoor weekend events like street festivals and music festivals. The mood is friendly, people are more relaxed and I would think single women would be open to meeting guys in such a safe environment. I just have to accept the fact that most single women will be with their friends, and ask them out anyways.

 

I know a couple of guys who met their wives through could approach.

 

So, sometimes yes you can get somewhere.

 

To me, OLD is better. Yes, I am shocked myself to actually say that, but I do think OLD is better, especially for guys who aren't that smooth and/or hot.

 

The difference is that women are OLD already and expectantly looking...

[normal person]

The way to do this is to not care and not show fear about her friends' opinions. A lion isn't concerned with the opinion of a sheep. If you're afraid of her friends, it will affect things. If you show that you couldn't care less, that will exude confidence and be very attractive and flattering, if nothing else. If that's a nut you just can't crack, separate her from the pack and then work your magic. You need to think on your feet, just say "come get a beer with me," take her hand and start walking. If you've got a great repair established with her already, she won't refuse.

[Toodaloo]

how do you ask out a woman right while her friend(s) are standing next to her.

 

First you approach in a non threatening way...

 

"Hi can you tell me where the loo is?"

Then you disappear off to pee and check you do not stink of BO...

Then you come back

"You are such a life saver - can I get you a drink to say thank you?"

 

Then during the conversation you learn about her to see if you get on well and if you want to ask her out. Then when it comes time to part ways you say it was fantastic to meet her and you would really like to see her again. Can you have her number so you can ask her out...

 

Simples.

 

You will probably get a few looks from the other girls but what the heck. They are women not sharks or a firing range...

[jen1447]

I have conflicting input here sorry ....

 

So my question to the women: if you are single, and out at a music fest with a girlfriend and a stranger approaches and chats with you, then asks you out while your girlfriend is standing right next to you watching you two, what would your response be if you happen to like this stranger guy? Would your response be different if you were by yourself? (non-alcoholic situation, daytime venue)

 

It wouldn't matter he did it in front of friends, no. (Moreso he should know if I'm 'receiving' or not atm.) But that said I usually shut those guys down anyway.

 

My question to men: Have any of you asked women out right in front of the woman's friend(s)? Especially if you've just met the woman at say, a coffee shop or music fest. (non-alcoholic situation, daytime venue)

 

Not a guy but I do it all the time. It is very ballsy, which tends to be a good thing as long as there's not too much swagger along w/it.

[redbaron007]

Not a guy but I do it all the time. It is very ballsy, which tends to be a good thing as long as there's not too much swagger along w/it.

 

What do you mean, Jen? Are you bi-, and, you ask women out in front of girlfriends, or you actually ask guys out, while they are hanging out with their "homies"? (or both)

[jen1447]

What do you mean, Jen? Are you bi-, and, you ask women out in front of girlfriends, or you actually ask guys out, while they are hanging out with their "homies"? (or both)

 

Bi, and I ask out women in packs. Tho I've certainly done it w/guys before but that's a diff game.

[preraph]

Whether I'm with friends has zero bearing on how I will respond to you. If I'm not interested, my friends not being there won't change that. If I am, my friends being there won't change that. I know this whole myth about friends blocking is because most of the time women are simply not interested, and their friends will sometimes know that or they may have a sign or something and help extricate them from the situation by taking the blame to keep from hurting someone's feelings. It's not because they have any say over who their friends like! That's wishful thinking. They refuse you, they aren't interested, no matter what the situation.

[Cablebandit]

I've asked a gal out before in a group but I actually approached the whole group and asked who was single. I don't need a setup or the right situation to throw my bait into the water. Rejection is just a step closer to success.

[redbaron007]

It happened AGAIN! I went to a local rural fair that had a rock-band playing...not famous today, but an early song of theirs sold millions 8 years ago. So I was standing in the relatively sparse crowd, and two young women come over and stand right next to me. I notice that the young lady standing right next to me is "very attractive", which in my definition means tall (5'7"-ish), slim body, waist length luxuriant dark hair, nice complexion and sharp features. Immediately, that annoying little voice in my head starts chirping:

Voice: Umm...first of all, there are two of them. Besides, they're way too young for you, dude. They're probably 18-20 at the most, probably even younger.

I notice that one of the women has a plastic cup full of beer, so they're atleast 21+, so I tell the Voice to shut up.

 

Voice: Okay, but look, they're too absorbed in the music, they won't be interested in talking to you.

Then I notice that the young lady next to me glances in my direction, maybe two or three times at least. So I tell the Voice to shut up.

 

Voice: Okay, she may be interested in talking to you, but it's kinda a rock concert and the music is too loud anyways. What are you gonna say? Just hi? They already have a drink, so they won't bite if you offer to buy them a drink...besides, if you start a conversation and it peters out, it will be awkward for you to continue standing at the same spot, which is kinda a cool spot now that it's getting more crowded...etc. etc.

 

Voice continues talking to me, I say nothing to the women...Five minutes later, they walk off..

 

Can it get any worse? Of course.

 

A few minutes later, I notice ANOTHER group of young women, this time a trio, have walked up and are standing right next to me. Again, the one standing right next to me has exactly the same "very attractive" attributes. I can't believe it! Voice again goes through the same reasons as above. Worse, this time, the woman turns to me, our eyes meet and she gives me a friendly smile, I smile back. Then....nothing. I didn't say a single word. Then a huge guy comes and stands right in front of her. For a few minutes she keeps standing next to me, but soon it's obvious that I'm not gonna say anything and there's a lot of space next to the giant, so she points to the vacant space and the trio move up in front...

 

What I fail to understand is I am able to approach and talk to a strange woman anywhere: on the street, in a mall, in a Starbucks, but only if she is by herself. Add a friend or two, and I'm a total shmuck and don't say a word, even though one of the women may give me plenty of signals....

 

I really need to practice group approaches. Some of you on the forum have good suggestions, I just need to f*cking learn to do it. It's incredibly frustrating that men and women alike (CableBandit, Jen, Brothers343 above) are able to wing it easily whereas I can't even open my mouth!

 

The fair will be around tomorrow and day after as well, with more bands playing. I hope to have better news so I don't waste more of your time.

[DJOkawari]

I don't know if this will be easier for you but in the scenario above, just try to make two friends. Rather than "is she the person I can spend the rest of my life with?" Maybe it'll help to take a little pressure off and just have a nice conversation. If she likes you, she'll make it easy and you'll be able to ask her later. Many people who show up to those events are looking to have fun and meet people (obviously) so just go and be/have fun and worry about the rest later. If she's 18/has a bf/has the worst friends/etc you can still share a laugh. It isn't binding.

 

Often for me at concerts or parties, I'll make a first impression to her and her friends and go off with my friends for a bit. You've made the first move, give her a chance to think about you. If you see her later, say hi and be friendly again. You'll know if she wants you to ask her out. Often times even if she doesn't, odds are you can be friends. I view that as a big positive. Obviously some times friends changes into something more or she could introduce you to a new girl whom you hit it off with but the main thing is that through repeated positive, friendly interactions that annoying voice shuts up.

 

Just my experience.

[redbaron007]

I don't know if this will be easier for you but in the scenario above, just try to make two friends. Rather than "is she the person I can spend the rest of my life with?" Maybe it'll help to take a little pressure off and just have a nice conversation. If she likes you, she'll make it easy and you'll be able to ask her later. Many people who show up to those events are looking to have fun and meet people (obviously) so just go and be/have fun and worry about the rest later. If she's 18/has a bf/has the worst friends/etc you can still share a laugh. It isn't binding.

 

Often for me at concerts or parties, I'll make a first impression to her and her friends and go off with my friends for a bit. You've made the first move, give her a chance to think about you. If you see her later, say hi and be friendly again. You'll know if she wants you to ask her out. Often times even if she doesn't, odds are you can be friends. I view that as a big positive. Obviously some times friends changes into something more or she could introduce you to a new girl whom you hit it off with but the main thing is that through repeated positive, friendly interactions that annoying voice shuts up.

Just my experience.

 

Well said...lack of practice in approaching groups of women is the main cause combined with the unnecessary focus on someone I don't even know. I will just have to get out and approach more groups. Thanks for sharing your experience.

[JuneJulySeptember]

It happened AGAIN! I went to a local rural fair that had a rock-band playing...not famous today, but an early song of theirs sold millions 8 years ago. So I was standing in the relatively sparse crowd, and two young women come over and stand right next to me. I notice that the young lady standing right next to me is "very attractive", which in my definition means tall (5'7"-ish), slim body, waist length luxuriant dark hair, nice complexion and sharp features. Immediately, that annoying little voice in my head starts chirping:

Voice: Umm...first of all, there are two of them. Besides, they're way too young for you, dude. They're probably 18-20 at the most, probably even younger.

I notice that one of the women has a plastic cup full of beer, so they're atleast 21+, so I tell the Voice to shut up.

 

Voice: Okay, but look, they're too absorbed in the music, they won't be interested in talking to you.

Then I notice that the young lady next to me glances in my direction, maybe two or three times at least. So I tell the Voice to shut up.

 

Voice: Okay, she may be interested in talking to you, but it's kinda a rock concert and the music is too loud anyways. What are you gonna say? Just hi? They already have a drink, so they won't bite if you offer to buy them a drink...besides, if you start a conversation and it peters out, it will be awkward for you to continue standing at the same spot, which is kinda a cool spot now that it's getting more crowded...etc. etc.

 

Voice continues talking to me, I say nothing to the women...Five minutes later, they walk off..

 

Can it get any worse? Of course.

 

A few minutes later, I notice ANOTHER group of young women, this time a trio, have walked up and are standing right next to me. Again, the one standing right next to me has exactly the same "very attractive" attributes. I can't believe it! Voice again goes through the same reasons as above. Worse, this time, the woman turns to me, our eyes meet and she gives me a friendly smile, I smile back. Then....nothing. I didn't say a single word. Then a huge guy comes and stands right in front of her. For a few minutes she keeps standing next to me, but soon it's obvious that I'm not gonna say anything and there's a lot of space next to the giant, so she points to the vacant space and the trio move up in front...

 

What I fail to understand is I am able to approach and talk to a strange woman anywhere: on the street, in a mall, in a Starbucks, but only if she is by herself. Add a friend or two, and I'm a total shmuck and don't say a word, even though one of the women may give me plenty of signals....

 

I really need to practice group approaches. Some of you on the forum have good suggestions, I just need to f*cking learn to do it. It's incredibly frustrating that men and women alike (CableBandit, Jen, Brothers343 above) are able to wing it easily whereas I can't even open my mouth!

 

The fair will be around tomorrow and day after as well, with more bands playing. I hope to have better news so I don't waste more of your time.

 

Approaching groups of attractive women is tough.

 

Last night, I took the train into the city. So ... there were 'packs' of young gals in their 20s, dressed with revealing tops and heels heading in for a night on the town.

 

I'm not intimidated anymore, but that's because I'm old enough to be their father, so I'm not really interested. I remember how it used to be though.

 

Are you flying solo?

 

Approaching a group of attractive young women by yourself? That's rough. You might want to get a buddy or two to help you out.

[Revolver]

Even the most confident successful guys I know wouldn't walk up to a random group of 6-8 women. I would advise women who talk about not being approached to stop hanging out in big packs, especially in social places like a clubs, bars, parties concerts. It's very intimidating

Edited June 25, 2016 by Revolver