Conflicting emotions on plans to be together

[Fts]

This is my first post on LS. I have been lurking for a little over 8 months reading other post for guidance and strength. I find myself in a tricky situation at this point in my affair.

 

A little background: Been with my affair partner almost two years. He is married with three children. I am married with one. Met at work. Like many it started with good chemistry and laughter that led to it being physical. We see eachother everyday for lunch and if possible on the weekends for 4+ hours when she works (yes, our kids do play together, but neither of our spouses know). He is not happy with his wife and has claimed many times they were not meant to be. He wants to leave her, but said that it is hard at this time because of their finances. They filed for bankruptcy a month before the affair began. He said that neither one of them could live on their own with trying to support three young kids who attend daycare and after school. My marriage is a struggle. Been unhappy for awhile due to differences that came later into the years. Due to my husband's employment/financial issues I feel bad to leave him at this time as well. He is my friend and is a kind person, but the love is not there.

 

We have both have cried many days and nights alone and together expressing how badly we wish to be one. Fast forward going on almost 2 years together my AP intiated (two weeks ago) he and I should make a financial plan to be together in the next 2-3 years. We both set an allotment up to a savings account that I opened in my name. Of course I am happy that he and I are planning ahead for us and our children. Yet, there is one thing that does not sit well with me.

 

Although he is unhappy with his wife and they argue constantly he puts on this facade and gives her the impression that everything between them is ok. For some reason it makes me feel insecure. One time when she sensed things and questioned him asking if he was in love with her and he said no she went a lil bit (with reason). She became depressed, cursed him on and off, then was nice for a little bit. She also would not tend to the boys for a few days then would be ok again. He said because she is a hot head he feels that it is easier for him to pretend until all of us are in a better financial situation. I am scared that his pretending will eventually lead to it becoming real over the years. I am scared that when the time comes that she will become upset again like before and then he will put it off.

 

I cant seem to go to the extreme that he does with his facade. My husband knows we will not be together in the next couple of years and have agreed on staying to work out his situation. We are kind to one another, but we do not sleep together at all. I understand that his wife and my husband are different, but I remember reading on here how someone stated they dont understand how someoen can fake it so easily and for so long with someone they no longer want to be wth. I know for me that is the case.

 

Did any others have to experience a situation similar to their AP working on being with them but faking it with their current marriage to get through the years to be together? Is there another way I can go about this it has caused tension between me and my AP (which we never had before). My AP has cried to me over the last couple of days stating that this is not easy for him and that he spends a lot of time and energy on thinking of how he and I can be together sooner (he has even started back playing poker here and there in hopes to get some quick money). He even made a desperate attempt to prove to me that he is serious no matter how good he fakes it with his wife by giving me his university ring (it is from a prestige college) and I know how much it means to him because he was the first to graduate college in his family. He said he does not want it back until the day we are together living in our own home.

 

Is it me?

[Lurkeraspect]

This is my first post on LS. I have been lurking for a little over 8 months reading other post for guidance and strength. I find myself in a tricky situation at this point in my affair.

 

A little background: Been with my affair partner almost two years. He is married with three children. I am married with one. Met at work. Like many it started with good chemistry and laughter that led to it being physical. We see eachother everyday for lunch and if possible on the weekends for 4+ hours when she works (yes, our kids do play together, but neither of our spouses know). He is not happy with his wife and has claimed many times they were not meant to be. He wants to leave her, but said that it is hard at this time because of their finances. They filed for bankruptcy a month before the affair began. He said that neither one of them could live on their own with trying to support three young kids who attend daycare and after school. My marriage is a struggle. Been unhappy for awhile due to differences that came later into the years. Due to my husband's employment/financial issues I feel bad to leave him at this time as well. He is my friend and is a kind person, but the love is not there.

 

We have both have cried many days and nights alone and together expressing how badly we wish to be one. Fast forward going on almost 2 years together my AP intiated (two weeks ago) he and I should make a financial plan to be together in the next 2-3 years. We both set an allotment up to a savings account that I opened in my name. Of course I am happy that he and I are planning ahead for us and our children. Yet, there is one thing that does not sit well with me.

 

Although he is unhappy with his wife and they argue constantly he puts on this facade and gives her the impression that everything between them is ok. For some reason it makes me feel insecure. One time when she sensed things and questioned him asking if he was in love with her and he said no she went a lil bit (with reason). She became depressed, cursed him on and off, then was nice for a little bit. She also would not tend to the boys for a few days then would be ok again. He said because she is a hot head he feels that it is easier for him to pretend until all of us are in a better financial situation. I am scared that his pretending will eventually lead to it becoming real over the years. I am scared that when the time comes that she will become upset again like before and then he will put it off.

 

I cant seem to go to the extreme that he does with his facade. My husband knows we will not be together in the next couple of years and have agreed on staying to work out his situation. We are kind to one another, but we do not sleep together at all. I understand that his wife and my husband are different, but I remember reading on here how someone stated they dont understand how someoen can fake it so easily and for so long with someone they no longer want to be wth. I know for me that is the case.

 

Did any others have to experience a situation similar to their AP working on being with them but faking it with their current marriage to get through the years to be together? Is there another way I can go about this it has caused tension between me and my AP (which we never had before). My AP has cried to me over the last couple of days stating that this is not easy for him and that he spends a lot of time and energy on thinking of how he and I can be together sooner (he has even started back playing poker here and there in hopes to get some quick money). He even made a desperate attempt to prove to me that he is serious no matter how good he fakes it with his wife by giving me his university ring (it is from a prestige college) and I know how much it means to him because he was the first to graduate college in his family. He said he does not want it back until the day we are together living in our own home.

 

Is it me?

 

You've been reading here for 8 months, I find that odd given your situation and questions.

 

This MM is a mess. I really doubt (and you do too) he's being nice or faking things in his marriage until he gathers up enough money to leave her. I'd suspect if you talked to his BS she'd probably paint a different picture of their marriage. I bet she'd say they're happy. Nothing really new or different to your story, which is why I questioned your 8 month reading history.

 

It seems to me that you're letting the MM dictate your life and the pace at which you end your own dysfunctional marriage. Why don't you just take the lead and divorce your husband now? Why wait on this fence sitting MM? You say your BS knows that your marriage won't be long term, but have you told him the truth about your affair, or is that off limits up and until the MM gets off the dime?

 

IMHO, the MM is not going to leave his wife. Not now, likely ever. The savings account and the class ring are just little ways to give you hope and keep you placated and blissfully happy.

 

Of course, if this affair is realized, you'll likely get him by default. Of course, he'll then be expecting you to end your marriage post haste.

 

Run.

 

P.S. You say that you opened this (I may leave my wife oneday) bank account, but does he have access to it? Is he contributing? You may find yourself duped in more ways than the realization that he'll forever be married...

[anika99]

First of all you cannot steal money from the marriage and hide it away in a secret bank account. Your bank account will be discovered in the divorce proceedings and your spouses will have a right to a portion of that money.

 

Secondly any guy who thinks the solution to his financial problems is to play poker is a guy who is too immature to have a serious relationship. I find it unlikely that this guy is going to leave his marriage. He set up this 2-3 yr plan to make you a willing and complying mistress for the next 2-3 yrs. If his wife discovers this affair he will chose the marriage and dump you.

[BuddyX]

Run.

If you don't leave your MM now, you'll be in a world of hurt-soon.

He gave you a Uni ring. Opened up an account. That's great. But he did not give up himself. Everything he gives you can be replaced. Except for him.

 

If you don't walk away now, you'll end up alone. You're husband will bail on you and the MM will stay with his wife. Don't believe me? Ask him straight up why he's not leaving his marriage today. If his answers are; Kids, money, or fear of his wife, then that makes him a coward.

 

Even if you somehow manage to pry him out of his marriage, you are aware of the stats. Plus, it's going to be a little awkward when you have to explain how you guys started dating.

[loveisanaction]

If you've been reading these boards for 8 months then you've probably read that the statistics for affair partners ending up together are very low. I've read of only a handful of successful stories of folks who ended up with their affair partner. It's like the lottery; 191 million people believe that they hold the winning ticket but only 1 sometimes 2 people actually do.

 

I have read where the married woman sometimes does leave her husband for her affair partner but very rare cases of the married man doing the same.

 

If you are not happy, divorce your husband but do not do it because of your affair partner, do it because as you say you are not happy in your marriage. If your affair partner later divorces his wife then the both of you can start a relationship the right way; as single and available people. If you don't end up with your affair partner it gives you the opportunity to find love again..with a single man.

 

Having an affair whilst married (regardless of the reasons for why you're in one) is utterly unfair to your husband, he doesn't deserve it and neither does your affair partner's wife. The emotional pain, hurt and damage they cause everyone are lifelong.

[Jersey born raised]

What does your husband know? Have you come to an agreement to have an open marriage? Have the two of you settled financial and custody agreements?

 

I did know one couple like this. He was from Chile and the plan was they would be roommates with occasional benefits until the daughter was 18. I don't know how it worked out but they where two years into a four year plan when last we spoke.

 

If you have been lurking for several months you must realize those who respond want to know these details.

[Fts]

I know I may sound niave and a bit of that is wishful thinking. I have read many threads of empty promises, but yes, like many am hoping that my sitution is possibly "different". I mustard up the courage to even type the original post because I started noticing two or three poster's (recently) who have ended up with their AP and was hoping to hear their feedback. Although everyone's feedback/thoughts are most certainly welcomed because any advice in situations like these are needed even if they sting.

 

Right now he has put in $100 into the account. His allotment is $50 right now (that is all he can afford) and it goes into the account automatically each paycheck. Mine is the same. His wife has found out about us 3 months into the affair, but nether he or I were expressing to be together and she did not push divorce at that time. She just gave him hell (rightfully so) for awhile and still from time to time. I am the bread winner in my marriage and my husband right now would not have anywhere to go if I choose to leave him. He will need atleast a year to get himself together to where he can support himself and our son when he has him. My husband knows nothing of the affair. We both get along well enough to be able to have these kind of difficult conversations (believe they are sad). I am not happy my marriage is where it is at by no means.

 

As far as my AP yes, deep down in my soul I have doubt and insecurities. Of course I want to believe him without a doubt, but I know not to put anything pass anyone. Guess I am seeking encouragement to be patient. Its hard. This whole thing is diffcult. Like many I still sit back and wonder how the hell I ended up here...

[DKT3]

Most likely outcome.....him with his wife and family and you a divorced single mom holding the bag and stigma of a cheating home wrecker that single handedly ruined two families. Odd how the women ends up up to her chin in sh.t while the mm rides off into the night family intact.

[minimariah]

I am scared that his pretending will eventually lead to it becoming real over the years.

 

that will not happen - he won't magically fall in love with his wife on some fake it until you make it scenario. forget about it, that marriage is (emotionally -- at the very least) probably done.

 

are you worried because the fact that he CAN and is CAPABLE of pulling it off tells you and shows you something about his character you don't like...? your relationship with your AP is different than the one he has with the wife, for sure - but if i were you, i would be uncomfortable with his ability to pull it off because AT SOME POINT (even though i will be the first to tell you that the old famous once a cheater, always a cheater is NOT true) i will wonder what parts of him are true OR faked with ME. seeing someone in the act does make you question moments & more suspicious. do they still have an active sex life, is that what's bothering you?

 

as far as your financial plan goes - i assume the account is on your name to prevent his wife from getting that money...? did you discuss custodial arrangements, what are the plans for you & your AP in that area and what about spousal support? i your AP will financially be better off - the wife will seek spousal support, especially of she can't reach the money from the secret account. if i understood that well.

 

overall, i think him making a PLAN and coming through is a positive sign.

Edited June 19, 2016 by minimariah

[Lady Hamilton]

So my MM and I divorced, got together, got married, and are still together and happy.

 

Looking at your story, I can't say for sure if it looks like he will leave or not, nor will I even begin to guess on if the relationship as a whole will survive.

 

What I can tell off the top is that the focus on financial stability post-separation and divorce is a total wash. Without lawyers and talk of assets and settlements, there's no way to know what you will and won't afford when you guys leave each other. There's not even a promise that the money you're putting aside to afford leaving won't be splint among you and your husband and him and his wife. Dividing that account by 4? That's a hit.

 

Before you say that can't happen, when my husband was separated and in the act of divorcing we bought a car. Our names were on it, I traded in my car, and he traded in his (one he had before they got married) to get it. When it came time to work out settlements, she said she wanted it and was actually entitled to half its value. In order to keep ownership of the car and not pay out half its value to her, we had to go to court, have three hearings, and finally a ruling from a judge before we could say for certain that car was ours.

 

Basically, laws are set up to protect marital partners from this sort of activity... Then after divorce, there's stuff set up to protect the divorced partner. For the rest of forever, she'll always have her hands in his pockets, so every dollar he makes will belong to somebody else before it belongs to you. So I'd tread especially delicately.

 

Secondly, I can say for a certain and uncontestable fact that, when he leaves, the woman will go absolutely off-the-reservation bonkers. Like, Looney Tunes on a Saturday morning levels of crazy. Why? She knows about the affair and she stayed. She knows he doesn't love her, yet she stays. She clearly doesn't care about the state of her marriage as long as he stays. She's halfway down the river of denial in order to maintain the status quo...

 

When she's forced to disembark from her canoe to face that her marriage is over... It's not going to be pretty. You're already seeing shades of it in her being too depressed to care for the kids, etc etc.

 

So, of all the things I'd worry about, him falling in love with her again and not leaving wouldn't be one of them. Him preparing to exit and being met with a bucketful of emotion and rage that's been stewing for at least two years, then deciding to stay because she can't handle him leaving... That's what I'd worry about.

 

My husband's ex was very similar. As long as he was present and came home every night, she didn't care if he spent all day with me 90% of the time. He could say "I do not love you and I want out of this marriage" right directly to her face (and he did), all she'd say is "Well I don't care and you're not allowed to leave me."

 

 

As soon as she had to face the reality that he was leaving, he didn't want to stay, and the marriage was over, it was a feces storm.

 

 

It was that behavior partnered with guilt for believing he induced the behavior that caused him to leave her, go back to her, leave her, go back to her, leave her, go back to her several times before he ultimately left for good. He didn't go back because he loved her... In fact, he detested her more and more as time went on. It was he thought that she'd be a non-functional human being, he felt guilty, and because she made absolutely everything a war of nightmarish proportions and he didn't want to deal with it.

 

 

Granted, a lot of that was fueled by her mental illness, I see that as being your reality, though perhaps not as dramatic. He will have a hard time leaving because of her response to his leaving, not because he loves her again.

Edited June 19, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[Fts]

The fact that he does it and admits he does not feel guilty about it does make me feel a lil uneasy. When I asked why does he not feel guilty he said because of the lack of respect from her (they have had issues way before us and for a long time) that he lost respect for her. He said earlier on in the affair that when he expressed to her on more than one occasion he is not happy she flips out and then is cool for a little bit and then brings it up (not the affair, but that he says he does not love her) and flips out again. So, to him he said pretending everything is ok makes it easier for him and the children (because they unfortunately do argue infront of them). From what I have witnessed and what he has shared he is not overbearing her with I love you's and your so beautiul. He does not go out of his way to buy her things or to make her feel special. He does the bare minimum (yes, this includes sex that he said is on her terms) so that they can get through a full day without arguing. I try and remind myself that she is not like my husband and my husband is not like her.

 

I don't doubt his love or what he tells me regarding us. He has shown me in so many ways how genuine his feelings are for me (and my son). He has been there for surgery for my child when my husband was out of state (for personal reasons). He has dropped things and made time to be by my side multiple times and even with his financial situation has showered me and my son with gifts to show he cares for the both of us. I do want to say that it is not easy accepting these gifts, but he has assured me that if he could not afford it at the time he would not of bought it.

 

My husband is just in a bad situation and as his friend I truly want the best for him because then it will be easy for all of us if and when the time comes for me and the AP to be together. Ironically so, I want the best for my AP wife also. As far as the account goes the AP states that it should be in my name for when time is ready to intiate divorce. Supposedly, it is to prevent her from getting the money. Of course that is an area I do not know much about. However, our goal is to have our spouses including us in a better financial situation in hopes to make it a bit easier to take care of our children. Granted I am aware there will be custody issues (as he and I both want 50/50) and I am sure she will want child support. We don't plan on moving in together right away. The idea is for him to have an apartment for 6 months to a year during the divorce. Afterwards he and I will work on buying a house together then slowly from there moving in and blending our families. Of course she is going to flip her **** when she sees that I am the OW he ended up with. Since that all seems so far away it is not something that we talk about indepth at this moment but am we aware it is something that will have to be addressed.

 

What I am scared of is what LH said...her flipping out and becoming paralyzed when the day comes and he then is overcomed with guilt and stays or does the back and forth that seems to be a common theme.

Edited June 19, 2016 by Fts

[Fts]

Lady Hamilton,

 

May I ask how long did he go back and forth between you and his wife before he finally made the decision to leave for good? How did you handle this? Were you supportive?

[anika99]

He has been keeping up this facade for two years already and he's planning to do it for another two or three years. If everything he tells you is true, that he doesn't love her or respect his wife, that he just endures (lol) sex with her and pretends to love her so that he can keep fooling her and keep this facade going for more years then he is a freaking mental case. He is more disturbed than the usual run of the mill cheater who wants his marriage but also a little something extra on the side. You are hoping to end up with a man who is some kind of disordered person.

 

Personally I think he has you totally snowed. His marriage isn't the misery he is pretending it is. His marriage is obviously in trouble based on his selfish and heartless behaviour but I don't believe that he never enjoys his wife or his married life. You are blind to his faults, you think he is a good guy who is being forced to be a liar and a cheater by his big meanie wife. As if his behaviour is perfectly understandable and his wife is the cause of his disturbing actions.

 

How is it that he can shower you and your son with gifts, claiming that he is perfectly able to afford that when his number one reason for not leaving is that he is poor and financially unable to leave? Gifts are also money being stolen from the marriage. The bank account and gifts are you assisting him in taking away funds from his already poor family. You should not be letting him use your son as a way to further his agenda to keep you hooked into this affair. Keep your son out of your affair. Have some boundaries.

 

It is not normal to have to assist the man of your dreams get out of his marriage before you can have him. His expectation that you should wait around for years and help him save so that he can fund his divorce is sick and I don't know how you can even feel an attraction for someone who isn't enough of a grown up to end their marriage without another woman holding his hand every step of the way. But I don't think he is really leaving, he's just buying time to keep the affair going for as long as he can.

[elaine567]

Ok why is he bankrupt?

You say he is back playing poker, was that the reason for his bankruptcy?

 

At $100 a month, that is only $1200 a year saved, what are you going to do with that, what is that really going to pay for realistically?

[minimariah]

The fact that he does it and admits he does not feel guilty about it does make me feel a lil uneasy.

 

understandable. as crazy as it might sound... it does not have to be a red flag, not necessarily. many WS do not feel guilty due to complete emotional detachment from their spouses OR because they think of the affair as something that's THEIR right; i'm not sure how realistic those two or three years of waiting are... is that something YOU are able to work through, emotionally...? it will draining and stressful.

 

the sex part does seem sketchy a bit. makes me wonder just how much of his marriage is really a torture and faked; he doesn't OVERdo it but i dare to say he's doing way more than your regular WS.

 

I do want to say that it is not easy accepting these gifts...

 

it's odd - think about it... i don't know your AP as a person but this is what i DO know: his finances are bad, he needs money QUICK, he contemplates playing online poker & every penny counts. at the same time - he showers you and your son with gifts which is a nice gesture but not really a necessary one. you'd know he loves you without it. it doesn't mean he doesn't want to leave but he's not really careful and organized with the planning, no?

 

Ironically so, I want the best for my AP wife also.

 

but your AP is leaving her in a very vulnerable position; i don't think you opened this thread to hear about HER so i won't comment much but... after divorce, their joint account will be empty, she won't have the rights (not sure about this one, you should check it with the lawyers) to the money your AP made and gave to you so she will ask for a spousal support + child support. not sure how will that go, but it won't be easy. she might even lose primary custody and then... it will be REALLY bad.

 

What I am scared of is what LH said...her flipping out and becoming paralyzed when the day comes and he then is overcomed with guilt and stays or does the back and forth that seems to be a common theme.

 

it certainly might happen. not sure what to tell you, you won't know until it comes to that. but - if it's of any comfort to you - almost every WS i know of who eventually left... did the back and forth thing for at least 6 months. it's not easy.

Edited June 19, 2016 by minimariah

[anika99]

Ok why is he bankrupt?

You say he is back playing poker, was that the reason for his bankruptcy?

 

At $100 a month, that is only $1200 a year saved, what are you going to do with that, what is that really going to pay for realistically?

 

Yep, even if he saves for three more years he will only have $3600 and if you contribute the same there will only be $7200. Big whoop. That's peanuts in the big scheme of things. The funny part is that your MM is going to have to kiss that money goodbye when you get divorced because it will become an asset of your marriage and split with your husband.

[amomwhoknows]

Yep, even if he saves for three more years he will only have $3600 and if you contribute the same there will only be $7200. Big whoop. That's peanuts in the big scheme of things. The funny part is that your MM is going to have to kiss that money goodbye when you get divorced because it will become an asset of your marriage and split with your husband.

 

This. BUT if your MM"s wife is smart, she will figure out the direct deposit and be able to claw back half that money.

 

If you are the breadwinner, the longer the marriage (depending on the state if you are in the US), the more likely you will be paying him alimony. In many states, regardless of the custody arrangement, the higher earner pays child support too. And he will be paying her child support and unless they are equal earners likely spousal support too. If money is a stressor in his current marriage, and there isn't enough to support one household, it is possible that this will carry over to your relationship, should there be one.

 

Just thought I would throw this out there. He is going to be poor. And you might take a huge hit as well. Additionally, do you think there is a chance he is a compulsive gambler? A compulsive liar, too?

 

I also want to share that some MM who do leave actually decide to not remarry. If this happens, are you going to regret not working on your marriage. Are you leaving regardless of MM's actions?

Edited June 19, 2016 by amomwhoknows

[elaine567]

Yep, even if he saves for three more years he will only have $3600 and if you contribute the same there will only be $7200. Big whoop. That's peanuts in the big scheme of things. The funny part is that your MM is going to have to kiss that money goodbye when you get divorced because it will become an asset of your marriage and split with your husband.

 

No, it is only $3600 in 3 years

 

His allotment is $50 right now (that is all he can afford) and it goes into the account automatically each paycheck. Mine is the same.

[anika99]

No, it is only $3600 in 3 years

 

I assume they get paid at least twice a month. If they are both contributing $50 a paycheck and they both get paid every two weeks then they are saving $200 per month which would be $7200 after 3 yrs. still a laughable amount when considering child support and alimony.

[Lady Hamilton]

Lady Hamilton,

 

May I ask how long did he go back and forth between you and his wife before he finally made the decision to leave for good? How did you handle this? Were you supportive?

 

From the start of the affair to when he left the last time was a year and a halfish, slightly longer.

 

 

ETA: I didn't register there were two parts to this question.

 

 

The first couple times he bounced back, I was suitably devastated and made it very well known. After it happened a few more times, I went the opposite route, not as a change in tactics, but as a coping mechanism I guess.

 

 

I was upset, brokenhearted, but I was used to him eventually telling me he had to go back for the kids, because she was unwell, because he felt guilty, whatever the excuse was. I became quite desensitized and, while I still felt the hurt profoundly, I went from crying my eyes out to instant rage. When I saw the writing on the wall before he was going to dash (and there were always signs or triggers when it was about to happen), I'd shut down emotionally in preparation for the boom being lowered. When it was, I was 100% "then GTFO and stop wasting my time" and I was angry, angry, angry because during my shutdown period I had already worked through grief. I was hurt, but no longer crying over it like before. I was too angry that he had bounced to me and then back to her, again, and myself for believing that this time it would be different.

 

When he left for the final time and stayed with me, it took awhile for me to trust that he wasn't going to leave. That lack of trust was a roadblock for a period of time in our relationship. I assumed that, at any moment, he was going to pop out the door again. He had to really work to rebuild that trust because I had zero faith he was staying.

 

Now our relationship is past that period, but there was a lot of work on both sides to make it to where we are now.

Edited June 20, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[What_Did_I_Do]

There are many wise posters here that will warn you of the slim (nil) chance he will leave and things will work out for the both of you. They're probably right.

 

I'm far from a pie in the sky dreamer, but there may be marginally higher odds of you and your MM actually making it to the other side because you are actually planning. Thing is, there is no guarantee in open, single relationships either. Have a look over on the Dating forum and people get ghosted or dumped for no good reason.

 

Sit down and have these serious talks now. Many people seem to hope the MP will announce one day they are leaving their M and then the AP's ride off into the sunset together. Don't think it happens that way.

[Midwestmissy]

Not sure how old you both are, but I would run away - like sprint - from a man who takes a problem - he's so sad in his marriage, has adult commitments, waah - throws in a bigger problem - his affair - and offers the solution of making even bigger mistakes - hiding money (is he stupid?!?!) and gambling - to make the first 2 problems better. Poker as a financial plan? $50/month love fund? Trust me, anything in your love account will go directly to lawyers - ie people who have put a lot more thought into long term gains, and make money off of fools who think short term and get into big messes. Sounds like he will be wading thru his own fecal messes for years and years. You're the breadwinner? Don't let yourself be his meal ticket and bank account. Frankly, I hope you leave him and I hope his wife does too. Kids' futures are being risked here. In the big, big picture, what does this guy bring to the table? Is he that irresistible?

 

You need to ask yourself if this is who you want handling tough situations with for the rest of your life. He sounds like an immature train wreck who avoids problems by distracting himself with newer, bigger, shinier problems. Imagine what you'd have if your only focus was on having the best possible life with your own husband and child. My wh wishes he'd done that instead of doing the hot mess who was, in the end, a distraction from his real issues, and subsequently, the biggest mistake of his life.

 

Threads like this leave me feeling like I'm watching a dog run across a busy highway. Please take care of the commitments you've made, in the order in which you made them.

[elaine567]

Many people seem to hope the MP will announce one day they are leaving their M and then the AP's ride off into the sunset together. Don't think it happens that way.

 

It only happens that way if the MM when he meets the OW, is already up on the dive podium in his trunks all ready and prepared to dive off.

Most are still in the changing room, not sure if diving is really for them, whilst others don't even know where the swimming pool is.

[Lobe]

Not sure how old you both are, but I would run away - like sprint - from a man who takes a problem - he's so sad in his marriage, has adult commitments, waah - throws in a bigger problem - his affair - and offers the solution of making even bigger mistakes - hiding money (is he stupid?!?!) and gambling - to make the first 2 problems better. Poker as a financial plan? $50/month love fund? Trust me, anything in your love account will go directly to lawyers - ie people who have put a lot more thought into long term gains, and make money off of fools who think short term and get into big messes. Sounds like he will be wading thru his own fecal messes for years and years. You're the breadwinner? Don't let yourself be his meal ticket and bank account. Frankly, I hope you leave him and I hope his wife does too. Kids' futures are being risked here. In the big, big picture, what does this guy bring to the table? Is he that irresistible?

 

You need to ask yourself if this is who you want handling tough situations with for the rest of your life. He sounds like an immature train wreck who avoids problems by distracting himself with newer, bigger, shinier problems. Imagine what you'd have if your only focus was on having the best possible life with your own husband and child. My wh wishes he'd done that instead of doing the hot mess who was, in the end, a distraction from his real issues, and subsequently, the biggest mistake of his life.

 

Threads like this leave me feeling like I'm watching a dog run across a busy highway. Please take care of the commitments you've made, in the order in which you made them.

 

All. Of. This.

[ladydesigner]

We see eachother everyday for lunch and if possible on the weekends for 4+ hours when she works (yes, our kids do play together, but neither of our spouses know).

 

I have not read any responses but have read your entire post and I STILL cannot get past the bolded.

 

Why on god's green earth would you both have your children play together when you are not in a legitimate relationship and are both married to other's?:confused:

 

Get out of your M as you have created a level of disrespect that goes beyond being friends with your spouse. No matter how this ends the kids know and they know it didn't start the right way.

 

Lot's of work to be done on every side of the fence.

 

If you want to be with your AP it may happen, these things do happen, but it will probably be messy for some time to come. I suggest you leave your M if you are that unhappy.