2 years and counting

[yellow daisy]

Its been 2 years since my divorce i haven't dated since not by choice, i just really haven't found anyone and its getting really depressing honestly. Im not a fan of the whole online dating thing i try to avoid it i just feel like its not for me and i'd be scared to bump into someone who i actually work with or something like that and end up feeling more awkward to begin with. Point is, I feel like i'll never find someone, I'm getting closer and closer to my 30s and it truly frightens me. I had this whole plan you know kind of how we all do at some point to be married have kids live happily ever after and that wasn't my case. The more I'm single the more lonely i feel and the more my mind wanders back to my ex and wishing we were back together just so i have someone with me to talk with and spend time with despite the fact that he was not the best husband, but it goes back to better to have something than nothing at all i guess, but even that is not a possibility and I'm guessing is for the best since we don't talk at all and haven't since. I just wonder how do you handle loneliness and the single life? I just honestly do think the single life is not as grand as others make it out to be its truly depressing. No matter what i do and no matter how i keep busy at the end of the day it's just plain lonely :/ Any ideas in how to enjoy single, thats another thing the selected few of friends i do have all have their boyfriends and husband so i don't like to tag along it gets awkward so I'm just here left with trying so hard to not think about my ex.

[Satu]

You feel the way that you do because you're not fully engaging with life.

 

 

You're looking into the hole where you ex/marriage used to be, but it will always be empty, unless you fill it with something.

 

You are surrounded by people. Engage with them. Friends, family, neighbours, everyone with whom you come into contact. Adopt a cause or a charity, to inject a feeling of purpose into your life.

 

A life lived passively is unrewarding.

 

 

So live it actively:

 

 

Connect with the people around you: your family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. Spend time developing these relationships.

 

Be active – you don't have to go to the gym. Take a walk, go cycling or play a game of football. Find the activity that you enjoy and make it a part of your life.

 

Keep learning – learning new skills can give you a sense of achievement and a new confidence. So why not sign up for that cooking course, start learning to play a musical instrument, or figure out how to fix your bike?

 

Give to others – even the smallest act can count, whether it's a smile, a thank you or a kind word. Larger acts, such as volunteering at your local community centre, can improve your mental wellbeing and help you build new social networks.

 

Be mindful – be more aware of the present moment, including your feelings and thoughts, your body and the world around you. Some people call this awareness "mindfulness", and it can positively change the way you feel about life and how you approach challenges.

 

 

If you follow these suggestions you won't be lonely for very much longer.

 

 

Take care.

[oldshirt]

I agree 100% with Satu.

 

Gotta reality check for you - you aren't going to be sitting in your house feeling sorry for yourself and lonely and have a knock on your with delivery man delivering "the one" to you that has your check boxes checked off.

 

You have to get out and do things and live a full life and be engaged in life and doing fun and positive things with fun and positive people.

 

Become engaged with the world and get out and do things with people. When you do that, some people will catch your eye and you will catch some other people's eyes.

 

Don't try to marry them and fill your voids with them. Just go out with them and do things with them and get to know them.

 

As you do this, one will rise to the top.

[OneLov]

If you don't do online dating or have single friends, how do you meet people? Do you have social hobbies?

[brothers343]

Live life to the fullest becouse one day you will surely miss it. Everything else comes with time, not ours but his. Good luck.

[yellow daisy]

Its been exactly 2 years and change since we divorced we never spoke since and i valued self respect enough to not contact him, our marriage was a disaster among many things but at the end of the day i have nothing but love for him even though he does't deserve any from me. I thought that after 2 years of healing i would finally wake up one day and magically my past was erased but it isn't i miss him every day more and more, i wish sometimes we could get the good memories amongst the bad that we shared back, but that's never going to happen. I really hoped he would contact me again and he never did and in return i did not either. I guess i do wonder if i'll ever see him again or bump into him somewhere and chances are i won't (he's MIL) so that's never going to happen.

 

How do you cope with this, i thought 2 years was enough to forget, to heal to move on, but I'm still here feeling the heartbreak as though it occurred three weeks ago, how do you erase someone completely from your heart if thats even possible. A really close friend of mines just went through the exact same thing as i did same story (her ex also MIL as mines) she is going through the process of divorce and its heartbreaking and she asks how i managed to be okay and i told her honestly with time it gets better to deal with it, days pass and you cry a little less and less until one day you don't cry anymore but i feel it will never go away.

 

It's always in the back of my mind and i wonder so much if i even ever at all for one second cross his mind ever? I just miss him but i understand people move on and i've tried but my thoughts can't help but think about him every day from time to time. I just wish i could hear from him again but i know deep down that would only cause more harm then good.

 

is it possible, is my question, to get to the point of no longer feeling bothered not even emotionally about someone you care so much about? to the point were you can see them walking by and feel completely ok inside and out?

[OneLov]

I do not know the facts and circumstances that led to your divorce. I could reasonably infer he utterly disrespected and dishonored you. It sounds to me like you're dealing with complicated grief. Find information regarding "ambiguous loss." I'm hesitant to say more without more facts.

 

But how can you expect to move forward if you're still clinging to the past? It's hard to find available men when you are not emotionally available. It sounds like you are still grieving the loss of your marriage.

 

https://www.ncfr.org/sites/default/files/downloads/news/317_ncfr_myth_of_closure_final_11.8.13.pdf

Edited June 20, 2016 by OneLov

[Hoosfoos]

I'm 46 and in the exact same position as you. What I wouldn't do to be back in my late 20s again...be grateful that you are still young.

[DevotedBaker54]

I can relate to your situation! I've been single for a few years. Honestly, I'm happy with my life most days, but I will be lonely some times. I'm close with my sisters and have some close friends. Most of them are married, but they welcome me to hang out with them all the time. Usually that means I help my best friend shop for groceries, or help my sister with laundry and watching the kids. I think I have to fit into their schedules since they have families, but it's what needs to happen because that is their stage in life.

Maybe you can find some single friends to hang out with? I'm active in a few charities and recently got into working out and Pilates. Some days it feels like I'm just filling up my time to distract myself from the fact that I don't have a boyfriend or spouse, but our time will come!

I just remind myself not to waste this time in my life wishing it away. You can really spend time improving yourself and dedicate yourself to becoming a better person.

I think you'll stop thinking about your ex once you find someone new to love. I still think about the last guy I really liked occasionally and I haven't seen him in years. I think it's natural to miss the last person you loved.

Anyway, I hope you become less lonely, and are happy with this stage in your life

[Zapbasket]

Remind yourself that it is FAR better to be single than in a relationship that leaves you wanting more, feeling frustrated, feeling mired in arguments that never evolve the relationship into what you want, being with someone who doesn't seem to truly appreciate you, etc.

 

I still hurt a lot from my breakup from summer 2013--not acutely like even a year ago, but it still sits heavy in my heart and I've mostly just learned to live with it, trusting that I am doing the things I need to do to move my life towards something more fulfilling overall. There's never a point where you become truly indifferent to something that once mattered in your past--it, and the grief over the loss of it, even if it was for the best, simply become a part of you; you don't "conquer" it or forget. The best way to deal is to make peace with this fact.

 

We get so excited and hopeful about the prospect of a relationship, but the truth is that an unhealthy one chokes your life and disconnects you from who you truly are. A relationship, even a good one, is not a panacea.

 

Trust me: I fantasize all the time about meeting someone really great, who really knocks me off my feet, someone who loves me and treats me with care and respect. I imagine how much more buoyant I'd feel, and more impervious to the day-to-day disappointments and betrayals of the world. I don't think there is anything wrong with thinking this way.

 

But while you are single, you have to use that time to embrace yourself, and treat yourself with the same love and interest you want from a partner. What dreams do you want to fulfill? How do you want to spend your time? Who are you, at core? Be an adventurer on the expansive terrain of YOU. Even though I do hope for a great partner one day, I enjoy this time to just focus on myself. Sometimes I enjoy it so much that I think I never want to bother with all that dating morass and people just being disappointments overall. And I think that's a GOOD thing. Because it means I'm feeling happy within myself; I'm actively NOT needing a relationship to make me happy. I think only then can you put yourself and your psyche in a place where you can attract only a person who can share that particular happiness--happiness in yourself--with you. Otherwise you're looking for something in another person that is not ever to be found there. It's all in yourself, first and foremost.

 

When I think back on what I've settled for in the past, I don't think I would settle for that ever again. I want someone who inspires me on first meeting, in a big way. Anything less, I'm just too busy for. Too busy enjoying learning about who I am and just how powerful I am, and how enjoyable my own company is. I wish I'd spent the years I was in all those unsatisfying relationships on learning to love myself, instead. It sucks having memories of unpleasant relationship after unpleasant relationship, with people who really, if I'm honest, weren't at my level to begin with. I just so wanted a relationship, and once in it, I wanted it to work so badly. I'd have been better off just enjoying my life on my own. But what that experience has given me is the knowledge that being single is a GREAT position to be in. It really is.

 

Trust that, until you can genuinely feel it within yourself, as YOUR truth. I'm no expert, but I do believe that someday someone will come along for all of us who enhances our life, rather than saps it of all its joy and vigor.

[health]

Just talk to people. Talk to your grocery store clerk and watch movies lol

I haven't been in a relationship for like 6 years and I really don't care.

Who cares about approaching your 30s. I'm 34. When someone special comes, they'll come. I'd never settle for some garbage relationship.

I'm making money, and doing what I love. Focus on your talents. Develop that and think of the legacy you want to leave in life.

 

I was just thinking - I'm so grateful and happy that I don't have to worry about a girl cheating on me, or not working, or yelling at me in public.

 

I work, spend time with family, exercise and eat ice cream and I feel perfectly content.

 

All the best!