noelle303 Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 So it's been 5 months now since xMM came clean to his wife about having a child with me. She decided to stay and they are working on their marriage in counseling. Due to the fact that my daughter was not very familiar with xMM (her father), for the past 5 months they've been getting to know each other on weekly visits (every Wednesday for a couple of hours), at first with me there, then on their own. His wife initially did not want to get to know my daughter or me when she first heard of the affair and her existance, but has somewhat come to terms with it and has now met her twice on his weekly visits. This weekend was their son's birthday and my daughter went with the family (so xMM, his wife and two sons) to celebrate. Everything, from the weekly visits to the party went very smoothly. My daughter had fun, she was treated nicely, she played with her brothers and her dad would now like for her to spend every other weekend at his house. I have no problem with her going there every other weekend, but he wants it to start from this next weekend and I'm a little worried that it's too soon maybe? Should I give her more time to get to know them? She seems pretty well adjusted to the situation but it is two whole days and she has never spend even one night away from me. What are some of your opinions of the situation? Wait a little bit longer or just rip off the band-aid? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 How old is your daughter? How's she adjusting to everything? I think it is a case by case situation honestly. It depends on how she's handling it. Maybe she could have a say in the schedule? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author noelle303 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Share Posted June 19, 2016 How old is your daughter? How's she adjusting to everything? I think it is a case by case situation honestly. It depends on how she's handling it. Maybe she could have a say in the schedule? She is 5, so in my opinion a little too young to have a say in the schedule. I feel like this is where I kinda have to lead, to facilitate a postive and safe environment. She is adjusting just fine, but I feel like it may be a big step too soon? Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 i think it's too soon -- if i were you, i'd let her go on the weekends BUT no sleepovers yet. meaning, she will wake up and have breakfast with you, you'll get her ready and she'll go see her daddy and her brothers and her stepmom. pick her up before supper and the same goes for Sundays. also... is it possible that their weekly visits expand on TWICE a week...? is that something you can work out? so 2x a week + daily visits every other weekend and keep it up for another month. after that, send her on the first sleepover over the weekend and see how she reacts. you CAN send her this weekend, too... to be honest, i don't think you'll go wrong either way. if she adapted well, that's it. but if your mommy gut tells you it's too soon - it probably is. so yeah, i'd wait for another month or so with expanded visits. they have time, no worries. i'm glad to see everything is working well, good for you! you handled this like a champion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 Why not ask her? At five she can decide if she wants to try a one night sleepover. Just make him and his wife aware that if she acts up or is sad, they have to call you and come pick her up. Things are going well, she's loving spending time her siblings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Hamilton Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 I'm not thinking it's going to be too dramatic. I'd start the weekend after next (with this being the first weekend) and after a month or so, revisit to see how she's doing. I'd also ask her what she's thinking. You don't have to go with it, but it lets you know what she's thinking about and what she feels. At 5, she should be able to express what her comfort levels are. Link to post Share on other sites
Sabella Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 I would at the very least maybe just start her on one overnight and see how she does. Just let xmm know that you are totally on board with the visitations, but that you want to ease her into it more slowly. I think that's totally understandable and reasonable. If she gets scared or freaked out without you, it could set her back from wanting future visits anyways. You know her best, go with your instinct and take it slowly. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 These are the times that we as parents have to ask ourselves....is this my anxiety speaking? For five months things have progressed, to the point where your daughter participated in her brothers bday party, normal family stuff. From my own experience, there will be times that she will want you to comfort/soothe her....because of all the opportunities that you have had to be that safe place for her, her father should be given the same opportunities to be the one to comfort/soothe her when she is stressed. That is how children learn to bond and trust their parent. It reinforces the bond for both parties, and that your daughter is "family" to them all. I know it isn't easy to let someone else step in when you have been there since day one, but all research points to how important having a father is to all children. You all should pat yourselves on the back for putting that little girl first. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 I'd wait for the sleep overs for awhile if I were you. I'd do as minimariah suggested, for the weekend sleep at home, breakfast with you, take her for the day, then same the next day IF she wants to spend another day there. I'm thinking she hasn't spent time there at all yet? If so, I'd start with just one day then ease into two days after you see how things are going. Gradual does it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author noelle303 Posted June 20, 2016 Author Share Posted June 20, 2016 is it possible that their weekly visits expand on TWICE a week...? is that something you can work out? so 2x a week + daily visits every other weekend and keep it up for another month. after that, send her on the first sleepover over the weekend and see how she reacts. you CAN send her this weekend, too... to be honest, i don't think you'll go wrong either way. if she adapted well, that's it. but if your mommy gut tells you it's too soon - it probably is. so yeah, i'd wait for another month or so with expanded visits. they have time, no worries. i'm glad to see everything is working well, good for you! you handled this like a champion. Hmm...twice a week would be kinda hard to arrange. I have a full time career, xMM has a full time career and DD has preschool and various other extra-curricular activities so we're on a pretty set schedule. Our ultimate goal for visitation is that she goes to his house every other weekend and sees him one-on-one every Wednesday for a couple of hours after school. These are the times that we as parents have to ask ourselves....is this my anxiety speaking? For five months things have progressed, to the point where your daughter participated in her brothers bday party, normal family stuff. From my own experience, there will be times that she will want you to comfort/soothe her....because of all the opportunities that you have had to be that safe place for her, her father should be given the same opportunities to be the one to comfort/soothe her when she is stressed. That is how children learn to bond and trust their parent. It reinforces the bond for both parties, and that your daughter is "family" to them all. I know it isn't easy to let someone else step in when you have been there since day one, but all research points to how important having a father is to all children. You all should pat yourselves on the back for putting that little girl first. I definitely agree with you. I want them to have a good relationship for which they need time to themselves, to spend together and bond. But she has never been to their house and never spent a day away from me (our maybe I should say I never spent the night away from her lol) so that makes me a little anxious. I'm thinking about the suggestion to have her just spend the day there first. Also, I just have to say I feel so relieved that this situation is turning out the way it is. In a lot of ways I was lucky. I always put my daughter first, but am grateful that all the other parties were able to do the same. I am a very stoic person, but last night, after years of being strong, I just cried for an hour. I guess all the emotions finally came out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Young children can become upset at sleeping or waking in a strange place. Some kids just roll with it, others not so much. So, yeah, I'd suggest a couple weekend day trips to the house so she can become familiar with the space and with the routine of the household. Then, once she is familiar with everything, have her start going on overnights. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 I suggest that you have her brothers over your house also. Depending on their ages, they can do things together and bond under your watchfull eye. When she eventually spends time at their house, they will have activities to do that they are use to doing. This way she wont get bored or feel out of place. You can also teach them to watch out for their little sister. I have 4 brothers and nobody messed with our stepsisters Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Young children can become upset at sleeping or waking in a strange place. Some kids just roll with it, others not so much. So, yeah, I'd suggest a couple weekend day trips to the house so she can become familiar with the space and with the routine of the household. Then, once she is familiar with everything, have her start going on overnights. I know that this is the first maternal gut reaction response, I truly do. However, it being an unfamiliar, strange place and her father being the one to comfort and soothe her through it....is exactly how a secure bond will be made. The first overnight will always be the first overnight, all the adult parties will be anxious to some degree. Not all situations in life do we ease into it....how many people have their children visit the new apartment for a day over a course of a few months before we get our kids to spend the night there? I think most parents understand their child might be upset and comfort/soothe them through it. The best we can do, is to help prepare our kids, share your child soothe strategies with her father, be a cheerleader for the new relationship, give our approval, and acknowledge that being a parent is damn difficult sometimes. Now, after having said that, if you wanted to do one at home full day visit before the overnight, that wouldn't be so wrong either. I would question it, if these weekend visits were to be over months of time. They already have five months of controlled visits....it is time to take off the training wheels. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 I just want to compliment you on how you are handling this situation and your desire to do what's best for your daughter. All the best! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 (((noelle303))) I think you are handling things better than expected and sound like you all are doing great given the circumstances. I'm glad they are treating your daughter with kindness and welcoming her into the family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 I know that this is the first maternal gut reaction response, I truly do. However, it being an unfamiliar, strange place and her father being the one to comfort and soothe her through it....is exactly how a secure bond will be made. yes, all of this. beautifully written. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 She is 5, so in my opinion a little too young to have a say in the schedule. I feel like this is where I kinda have to lead, to facilitate a postive and safe environment. She is adjusting just fine, but I feel like it may be a big step too soon? It's her Dad. It's a big step taken late, and in your shoes I would do everything possible to facilitate their relationship. You can start with a couple of full days and move to overnights and I really love the idea of you taking her brothers with you, too, but of course that will involve working towards a good relationship with the BW. We are a blended family and we've had some bumps along the way but as long as everyone puts the kids first, we grown ups have learned we can make our own rules about how to manage the village. Big hugs to you. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 One night to start would be better I think. A whole weekend is better after a couple of months. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author noelle303 Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 I suggest that you have her brothers over your house also. Depending on their ages, they can do things together and bond under your watchfull eye. When she eventually spends time at their house, they will have activities to do that they are use to doing. This way she wont get bored or feel out of place. You can also teach them to watch out for their little sister. I have 4 brothers and nobody messed with our stepsisters I feel like that's pushing it a little bit. His wife has managed to put her feelings about me to the side and do the right thing for the kids, but I don't think she would be comfortable sending her kids over to my house. I feel like these are things that will have to get build over time. Well, last night he sent me the picture of a little bed they get for her and I showed it to her and asked whether she would like a sleepover. She said yes, so I agreed that she'll be spending the night Friday to Saturday at their house. I'll go have a drink with friends so I can ease my anxiety a little bit. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) Noelle, I am so happy to hear this outcome! The story of her own little bed at the other house is sweet. It symbolizes the welcome coming from the whole household and that is what I have always wanted to see. Kudos to you as a stalwart mother who walks the walk of truly putting her child first. The first time I was headed for an overnight away from my firstborn (age 3) I unexpectedly cried hard for like 90 seconds in the airport parking lot. I knew my daughter was safe and happy with her beloved grandma, and I was heading with my then-H for a Hawaii vacation, but still an ancient primate instinct caused tears to gush by the tablespoonful. I've only once experienced that sudden out of the blue gush. Perhaps you're experiencing that..... I consider this a chance for some well-deserved "me time" or adult activities. Hugs, Noelle. Edited June 21, 2016 by SoleMate 4 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 The first time I was headed for an overnight away from my firstborn I unexpectedly cried hard for like 90 seconds in the airport parking lot. i did, too - and the first time she spent the entire week with her daddy...? SHEESH! even though i still saw her daily. it's always heartbreaking when she's away from me. both me and her dad followed her to school and back, depending who had her that week and the other day she promptly sat us down and told us that she's soon a TEEN and she can walk on her own! my heart broke a little, LOL. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) I think you are wise staying away from the BW children. Even a suggestion can cause a trigger of biblical proportion. From your postings you seem to think things though. Gong forward have you thought about what to do if you feel she gives conflicting advise to your daughter? Edited June 21, 2016 by Jersey born raised Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 I feel like these are things that will have to get build over time. It was about 5 years before we managed to get all the kids into a communal pool and act civilly. It takes an incredible amount of humility and determination to keep reminding ourselves that our children did not ask to be put in these circumstances. I read "No One's a B*tch" and it made a huge difference in how I understood and approached the situation. Well, last night he sent me the picture of a little bed they get for her and I showed it to her and asked whether she would like a sleepover. She said yes, so I agreed that she'll be spending the night Friday to Saturday at their house. I'll go have a drink with friends so I can ease my anxiety a little bit. Hopefully she has a fun time. And you, too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 Two nights seems like a long time for a five year old, I concur with those who recommended just one night to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 . I'll go have a drink with friends so I can ease my anxiety a little bit. Good luck with that. Wait until she becomes a teenager and DRIVING. Then you will know what anxiety really is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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