Still in love with my emotionally unavailable ex

[serendipity90]

Me and my ex of 2 years split up in November last year after me getting sick of his constant push/pull behaviour where he was wanting breaks from me then I would get annoyed about it then want a break myself, I guess because I felt like he was holding the power all of the time.

 

He had asked me to move in in May for the 2nd time which I did for a week and things were great but there were roadworks outside his flat and I couldn't sleep so didn't want to move in until they were finished. I asked to move back in in November and thats when he told me he didn't feel like he wanted to be in a relationship anymore.

 

I was devastated and blamed myself for getting on his case wanting a break but after reading "mr unavailable and the fallback girl" I can see a lot of myself and his behaviour in there. He would give me glimmers of the man I hoped he could become and opened his heart when he asked me to move in and told me to always tell him about how I'm feeling. I did have doubts about the relationship as I thought one day he said he never wanted pets so I tried to end it but he broke down saying he thought I was the one and that wasn't what he meant at all so I immediately took back my decision.

 

It was shortly after this when he began saying he wanted space again and I blamed myself for him closing up and losing trust in me again when he was starting to open up.

 

After we broke up in November we carried on seeing each other until February but I could see he was not going to change his mind about wanting a relationship so I said we should go no contact which we have been doing apart from one time in March where he contacted me and I only went with hopes of a reconciliation. He was still texting me in May saying he missed me and wanting to see me which I ignored.

 

Then the Saturday before last he posted that he was in a new relationship with someone which was like a big kick to the gut, it was my first day on holiday too but I stopped following him and tried not to let it spoil my holiday.

 

I guess a big part of me was still holding out for a reconciliation despite me knowing deep down it would be a bad idea. I think he likes the idea of being in a relationship but finds the commitment side hard and doesn't like people getting too close. His new girlfriend lives an hour away so only time will tell whether the distance will help them or hinder them.

 

Does anyone else have any experience of emotionally unavailable men? Do they ever change?

[Steven1]

No experience of emotionally unavailable men..., but experience of my ex who was like that from time to time.

 

They can change, yes, but often not with you/the person they were like that with. I found out with mine that the last month of the relationship she became very distant from me, would put me to one side despite me doing a lot of things for her, would often forget I was in the room half of the time, would be very none committal on things etc. She would tell me at different times on and off through the relationship that she was very career focused, would not want to be married etc, would blow hot and cold when it came to getting a place together.

 

Yet she is now with someone else and I highly doubt they are going through this lol.

 

I think that it often comes down to being emotionally unavailable for that one relationship/person, rather than that being a characteristic of the person in general. Sadly I think that from his mind he was always unsure as to whether or not he wanted to be in the relationship or wanted it to advance from a certain point and as such became very detached from the whole thing.

[Satu]

Get ready for some tough love:

 

 

You could have saved yourself a lot of upset, if you'd gone no contact, once he told you "no relationship."

 

What you did, was like going in to do your job for no pay, after you've been fired.

 

There is absolutely no point in continuing to see someone after they've broken up with you.

 

None.

 

He was honest with you.

 

The rest you did to yourself.

 

Lesson learned?

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[serendipity90]

I know the right thing to do is to let him go and experience life and see if there is someone out there more compatible for him than me but the more I read/hear the more I feel sorry for his new girlfriends and future girlfriends as I think he will always be that way. Yet I still yearn for him and badly miss him. My heart wants him back with me but I know logically that's not a good idea unless he does a lot of soul searching which I sadly do not think he is capable of.

[Satu]

I know the right thing to do is to let him go and experience life and see if there is someone out there more compatible for him than me but the more I read/hear the more I feel sorry for his new girlfriends and future girlfriends as *I think he will always be that way. **Yet I still yearn for him and badly miss him. My heart wants him back with me but I know logically that's not a good idea unless he does a lot of soul searching which I sadly do not think he is capable of.

 

*You don't know that. You have no way of knowing that.

 

**In that case, you need to surrender to the grieving process.

 

Cry your tears, rage against fate. Get it out of your system.

 

Get him out of your system.

 

You can do that if you really want to.

 

 

Take care.

[Blanco]

the more I read/hear the more I feel sorry for his new girlfriends and future girlfriends as I think he will always be that way. .

 

That is not your concern, and truthfully, once you have emotionally detached from him, you probably won't care all that much about the above.

[DKT3]

Men have a hard time going backwards. I think your doubts and then moving in only to shortly after looking leave would give any man the impression you don't want the relationship. So he shut down emotionally. Really shouldn't be a shock to you.

[Steven1]

I know the right thing to do is to let him go and experience life and see if there is someone out there more compatible for him than me but the more I read/hear the more I feel sorry for his new girlfriends and future girlfriends as I think he will always be that way. Yet I still yearn for him and badly miss him. My heart wants him back with me but I know logically that's not a good idea unless he does a lot of soul searching which I sadly do not think he is capable of.

 

 

As Satu said, breaking no contact is often several steps back as it just brings all of the feelings back, even if you know he doesn't share them and you know he hurt you. As I often say, everyone is different when it comes to how long it takes to fully move on, and I always say that after a break up especially after a bit of time with the person, you need to invest time in yourself, and only yourself. Once you come to terms and acceptance of what has happened, and accept that you can and do deserve better, that's when you will move on.

[serendipity90]

Men have a hard time going backwards. I think your doubts and then moving in only to shortly after looking leave would give any man the impression you don't want the relationship. So he shut down emotionally. Really shouldn't be a shock to you.

 

Yes I really deeply regret that. I should have thought about it more rather than telling him I wanted to end the relationship.

 

He had doubts about the relationship the previous christmas but I gave him space and he came round. It took a while for me to build up the trust again but he couldn't do the same for me when I threw a wobbly.

 

I have been seeing a guy who is the complete opposite of him - he's always messaging me, asking me how I am etc. I never got that with my ex. He has been helping me get over him a lot but I don't feel the same kind of connection with him as I do my ex. He is very extroverted and talkative, sometimes I find him a bit much.

[serendipity90]

I'm on the verge of having a weak moment and contacting him on facebook to say about how sorry I was for letting him down like that.

 

I just feel I ruined something special by such a stupid fleeting thought I had.

 

I really want another chance, I'm sat here crying now..

 

It's too late. He's moved on.

[Satu]

I'm on the verge of having a weak moment and contacting him on facebook to say about how sorry I was for letting him down like that.

 

I just feel I ruined something special by such a stupid fleeting thought I had.

 

I really want another chance, *I'm sat here crying now..

 

It's too late. He's moved on.

 

 

*I think you've just entered the grieving process.

 

Don't hold back your tears, they are very human and noble.

[Steven1]

I'm on the verge of having a weak moment and contacting him on facebook to say about how sorry I was for letting him down like that.

 

I just feel I ruined something special by such a stupid fleeting thought I had.

 

I really want another chance, I'm sat here crying now..

 

It's too late. He's moved on.

 

 

I was like this when me and my ex first broke up, and it's completely normal but try not to contact him as it only makes it worse on you. I came to a point where I realized that everything I was hoping for and feeling, and looking back with at regret, was only hurting me..,

 

The best I look at it now is, I take all the good times me and my ex had together, and block out the bad. It makes you a stronger person and it's a learning experience, sadly for us it's a learning experience that we probably wish we had never gone through, but we have to come out of it and take something from it, otherwise it was for nothing.

[Trinity7]

I'm starting to think I've been subconsciously going for emotionally unavailable men, so I am interested in this topic too... Don't know enough about it yet to comment on that aspect though :/

 

But what I can say, because I'm doing the same thing currently, is DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP WITH WHAT-IFS. I was actually the one that said I was done in my breakup, but only after he pushed me to it (I think purposefully at this point). So yah, I regret having done that and keep going back and forth in my head about it. What if I hadn't said that? What if he wants to be together but thinks I'm done? What if I reach out to him one more time to make sure he knows I still love him? What if I had handled things differently?

 

And here is where I've ended up after tossing around all those what-ifs for over a week-- if he truly wanted to work things out he would be reaching out right now. If he truly loved me and wanted to be together he would swallow his pride and reach out. If we were meant to be, he would've been willing to work through the issues together instead of them escalating to a breakup.

 

I really do understand the panic and awful feeling of thinking things could be different "if only I had done this or that." I'll say this, send one last communication if you feel you must so you can know that you did everything you could to rectify the situation. But be prepared for another crash if he doesn't respond positively, or if he doesn't respond at all

 

Try to take comfort in knowing there probably wasn't anything you could've done differently to change the outcome. I truly believe they would've walked through fire to keep us regardless of how things went down if they truly wanted to be with us.

 

I'm sorry, I know how much it sucks being here

[lalalandman]

I have to call bs on you both.

 

So your emotionally unavailable ex reaches out to tell you he misses you and wants to talk. You decide to ignore him and date other people.

 

In response, your non-committal ex, obviously hurt by your rejection, decides to go public with a new relationship.

 

It all seems very tit for tat and simultaneously ironic.

[serendipity90]

I'm starting to think I've been subconsciously going for emotionally unavailable men, so I am interested in this topic too... Don't know enough about it yet to comment on that aspect though :/

 

But what I can say, because I'm doing the same thing currently, is DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP WITH WHAT-IFS. I was actually the one that said I was done in my breakup, but only after he pushed me to it (I think purposefully at this point). So yah, I regret having done that and keep going back and forth in my head about it. What if I hadn't said that? What if he wants to be together but thinks I'm done? What if I reach out to him one more time to make sure he knows I still love him? What if I had handled things differently?

 

And here is where I've ended up after tossing around all those what-ifs for over a week-- if he truly wanted to work things out he would be reaching out right now. If he truly loved me and wanted to be together he would swallow his pride and reach out. If we were meant to be, he would've been willing to work through the issues together instead of them escalating to a breakup.

 

I really do understand the panic and awful feeling of thinking things could be different "if only I had done this or that." I'll say this, send one last communication if you feel you must so you can know that you did everything you could to rectify the situation. But be prepared for another crash if he doesn't respond positively, or if he doesn't respond at all

 

Try to take comfort in knowing there probably wasn't anything you could've done differently to change the outcome. I truly believe they would've walked through fire to keep us regardless of how things went down if they truly wanted to be with us.

 

I'm sorry, I know how much it sucks being here

 

I've only been out with 2 guys but the first was more of a fling and I would say he was emotionally unavailable too, but I am wary of blaming my failings on them.

 

I've been going out with a great guy for the past couple of months who has been very patient with me, I've told him I only want to remain friends at the moment but I'm hoping I grow to fall in love with him as he is emotionally available. My heart is still with my ex though and I hate myself for feeling this way.

 

I remember one night he was looking at me like I was the only woman in the world then later that night I turned up the tv as there were roadworks outside and he punched the table and had a bit of a meltdown... he has aspergers too. I was quite taken aback by it and offered to go home so he could cool down but he was adamant he wanted to go to his mums.

 

I keep blaming myself for watching big brother which is a negative show at the best of times and they were arguing at the time. Also saying what if the roadworks wernt on, but you could go on and on.. If it wasn't that it would have been something else.

 

I just looked at his facebook and saw that he has added a picture of her as his background which really upset me and made me cry. He must be smitten with her. He fell for me quite hard and fast and told me he loved me within a week of dating which is a trait of unavailable men apparently.

 

I want to contact him but don't really know what to say, think I should just leave him be and let his new relationship run its natural course..

[Trinity7]

Jeez, I'm so sorry, that is really rough I finally had to stop snooping on Facebook last week-- it was killing me seeing my ex openly flirting with her. I still have the urge sometimes, but the fear of more pain (which I simply can't take right now) has been enough to stop me.

 

I also keep having strong urges to contact mine "one last time" because I feel like there's a slim chance it's all a misunderstanding and I could still clear it up.. Crazy, I know. But so far I've been able to resist it. I just tell myself, "You can text him tomorrow if you still feel the same way." And when each tomorrow comes, I do it again. I'm hoping the urges just pass at some point.

 

Try to stay strong xx

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I've only been out with 2 guys but the first was more of a fling and I would say he was emotionally unavailable too, but I am wary of blaming my failings on them.

 

I've been going out with a great guy for the past couple of months who has been very patient with me, I've told him I only want to remain friends at the moment but I'm hoping I grow to fall in love with him as he is emotionally available. My heart is still with my ex though and I hate myself for feeling this way.

 

I remember one night he was looking at me like I was the only woman in the world then later that night I turned up the tv as there were roadworks outside and he punched the table and had a bit of a meltdown... he has aspergers too. I was quite taken aback by it and offered to go home so he could cool down but he was adamant he wanted to go to his mums.

 

I keep blaming myself for watching big brother which is a negative show at the best of times and they were arguing at the time. Also saying what if the roadworks wernt on, but you could go on and on.. If it wasn't that it would have been something else.

 

I just looked at his facebook and saw that he has added a picture of her as his background which really upset me and made me cry. He must be smitten with her. He fell for me quite hard and fast and told me he loved me within a week of dating which is a trait of unavailable men apparently.

 

I want to contact him but don't really know what to say, think I should just leave him be and let his new relationship run its natural course..

 

If you've loved him for this long, don't stop trying now,

Communication is key, compassion and love even through frowns,

If you've hurt him, or he's hurt you, discuss that first and get it out of the way,

For the hurt and game-playing is what originally drove you both away.

[MissBee]

I have had PLENTY of experience with emotionally unavailable men (a site that helped me sort this out in my head was one called Baggage Reclaim).

 

They can change but that is if THEY come to the realization and register it as a problem and work on it. Not many get to that point. A liberating thing for me that I had to acknowledge was that if you pick emotionally unavailable men (esp often) you're emotionally unavailable too, hence try to date these men and hope to be an exception to their rule. In any event, working on yourself ends up being a more productive venture than internalizing their actions OR waiting for them to change or being obsessed with if they magically morph into someone available and great in their new relationship. In some ways, your own self worth suffers and you make it about you and start to think maybe you weren't good enough but this new person is so they "changed" for them. It's a damaging thought pattern.

 

I came to LS after a devastating breakup with such a man (and dated others like him before and even since) and while I'm not 100% over that pattern, I have learned A LOT about the hows and whys, both for them , but more importantly for myself. I recommend the site because it can help you to realize you're not nuts and you can see the patterns and will be like omfg how does she know???!!! But then after a while you have to move on to your role in the madness and letting go of your expectations about them or desire to see them change. I took almost 2 years to get over the ex who sent me to LS. Why? I spent a ton of time dissecting him and his behavior, also not going no contact and still hoping he would "see the light" or that I could help him change. He had about 3 other gfs within the year of us splitting and always came back briefly and I got stuck in a damaging cycle of waiting out his latest "fling" and hoping he would realize I knew his issues and we could work on it together....of course it didn't work and I just ended up being the "fall back girl" who was there in the wings waiting for a miracle. I got a PhD in his issues and sat on the sidelines watching his relationships play out on FB and such and it was completely unhealthy.

 

I eventually wised up and realized that his problems existed before me and I had nothing to do with them and I couldn't fix them. I had to accept that and completely cut him off. No more door ajar, accepting crumbs, waiting for his latest relationship to collapse, waiting for a miracle etc. He wasn't THAT great. I got free after. I still ended up with other emotionally unavailable men, but with time I spotted the signs and I also focused on my own issues instead of only blaming them or thinking it was my problem. This guy was someone I dated about 7 years ago or so and he got married some years back and I have some mild curiosity about if he's changed, but I don't care and it's a great feeling and also weird how much I used to be wrapped up in him and his issues and hoping for change and wondering if he became this wonderful new man with a new woman. Nowadays, I'm like good for him! Maybe he has changed...or maybe not...but it's not my circus or my monkeys (thank God!). You'll eventually get there and you can speed it up by focusing on you and going no contact and refraining from obsessing over his issues or if he's changed and worrying about his life or making his choices or shortcomings a reflection of you.

[Itspointless]

I know the right thing to do is to let him go and experience life and see if there is someone out there more compatible for him than me but the more I read/hear the more I feel sorry for his new girlfriends and future girlfriends as I think he will always be that way. Yet I still yearn for him and badly miss him. My heart wants him back with me but I know logically that's not a good idea unless he does a lot of soul searching which I sadly do not think he is capable of.

Here is why emotional unavailability is not always the same, as becomes clear when reading about adult attachment styles. Someone can hold the boat off very very different reasons, but if one is dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant than he really is not going to find someone where he (or she) does not have those problems. In other words emotional unavailabilityis a container for many different kind of problems where attachment-styles can be one of the flavors to look into.

I have had PLENTY of experience with emotionally unavailable men (a site that helped me sort this out in my head was one called Baggage Reclaim). [...] A liberating thing for me that I had to acknowledge was that if you pick emotionally unavailable men (esp often) you're emotionally unavailable too, hence try to date these men and hope to be an exception to their rule.

I guess that website helps a lot of women, I do dislike a bit - and the same goes for a lot of books - how often solely only men are blamed, while there are as many women with the same behaviors, as follows from the second point quoted by MissBee. Emotionally unavailabillity is often used as a stick, not saying MissBee does.

 

Again this is somewhat different with attachment-styles. Dismissive people usually are not attracted to each-other, but there is something called the anxious-avoidant trap. This points to something I think is really important, what you both bring and the dynamic that comes with that. MissBee is pointing to this too.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Itspointless

[stillafool]

 

Does anyone else have any experience of emotionally unavailable men? Do they ever change?

 

Yes, and usually they are only unavailable until they meet someone they want to be available to. So yes, they do change for the right woman.

[MissBee]

Here is why emotional unavailability is not always the same, as becomes clear when reading about adult attachment styles. Someone can hold the boat off very very different reasons, but if one is dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant than he really is not going to find someone where he (or she) does not have those problems. In other words emotional unavailabilityis a container for many different kind of problems where attachment-styles can be one of the flavors to look into.

 

I guess that website helps a lot of women, I do dislike a bit - and the same goes for a lot of books - how often solely only men are blamed, while there are as many women with the same behaviors, as follows from the second point quoted by MissBee. Emotionally unavailabillity is often used as a stick, not saying MissBee does.

 

Again this is somewhat different with attachment-styles. Dismissive people usually are not attracted to each-other, but there is something called the anxious-avoidant trap. This points to something I think is really important, what you both bring and the dynamic that comes with that. MissBee is pointing to this too.

 

Men aren't only to blame. The writer of the site is a straight woman who initially started a blog documenting her dating experiences with men, and thus mostly women came to her blog and now website looking for advice. The major bottom line, which I said, and so does her site or any good book, is that it takes two to do this tango of emotional unavailability. The way many men present it is sometimes different from how women do, but make no mistake, no one says this is a man problem and women are blameless. The whole point of my post, and even that site, is that this person has issues for being this way and so do you for dating them and the goal is to focus on your own reasons for being into it and your own emotional unavailability.

[serendipity90]

I have had PLENTY of experience with emotionally unavailable men (a site that helped me sort this out in my head was one called Baggage Reclaim).

 

They can change but that is if THEY come to the realization and register it as a problem and work on it. Not many get to that point. A liberating thing for me that I had to acknowledge was that if you pick emotionally unavailable men (esp often) you're emotionally unavailable too, hence try to date these men and hope to be an exception to their rule. In any event, working on yourself ends up being a more productive venture than internalizing their actions OR waiting for them to change or being obsessed with if they magically morph into someone available and great in their new relationship. In some ways, your own self worth suffers and you make it about you and start to think maybe you weren't good enough but this new person is so they "changed" for them. It's a damaging thought pattern.

 

I came to LS after a devastating breakup with such a man (and dated others like him before and even since) and while I'm not 100% over that pattern, I have learned A LOT about the hows and whys, both for them , but more importantly for myself. I recommend the site because it can help you to realize you're not nuts and you can see the patterns and will be like omfg how does she know???!!! But then after a while you have to move on to your role in the madness and letting go of your expectations about them or desire to see them change. I took almost 2 years to get over the ex who sent me to LS. Why? I spent a ton of time dissecting him and his behavior, also not going no contact and still hoping he would "see the light" or that I could help him change. He had about 3 other gfs within the year of us splitting and always came back briefly and I got stuck in a damaging cycle of waiting out his latest "fling" and hoping he would realize I knew his issues and we could work on it together....of course it didn't work and I just ended up being the "fall back girl" who was there in the wings waiting for a miracle. I got a PhD in his issues and sat on the sidelines watching his relationships play out on FB and such and it was completely unhealthy.

 

I eventually wised up and realized that his problems existed before me and I had nothing to do with them and I couldn't fix them. I had to accept that and completely cut him off. No more door ajar, accepting crumbs, waiting for his latest relationship to collapse, waiting for a miracle etc. He wasn't THAT great. I got free after. I still ended up with other emotionally unavailable men, but with time I spotted the signs and I also focused on my own issues instead of only blaming them or thinking it was my problem. This guy was someone I dated about 7 years ago or so and he got married some years back and I have some mild curiosity about if he's changed, but I don't care and it's a great feeling and also weird how much I used to be wrapped up in him and his issues and hoping for change and wondering if he became this wonderful new man with a new woman. Nowadays, I'm like good for him! Maybe he has changed...or maybe not...but it's not my circus or my monkeys (thank God!). You'll eventually get there and you can speed it up by focusing on you and going no contact and refraining from obsessing over his issues or if he's changed and worrying about his life or making his choices or shortcomings a reflection of you.

 

Yes I have been looking at that site. I got a bit carried away looking at the facebook page and posted loads of quotes on my timeline till one of my friends messaged me worrying if I was ok. I didn't want to look bitter or unstable.

 

Reading about emotionally unavailable men has helped me to understand my ex's behaviour. He acknowledged he had issues with control. I don't want to blame him or use emotional unavailability "as a stick to beat him with" I think he really put a lot of himself into the relationship and grew as a person. I just hate that he gave up on me when I made a mistake. I was always fighting with myself between trying to understand him and my own selfish desires, like with him wanting space.

 

I felt that he had already had a week to himself as he was unemployed at the time and I was looking forward to seeing him that weekend when he said he wanted space. I got annoyed with him using it as a way to push me away and holding all of the power in our relationship so I did a stupid thing and tried the same with him wanting space and it backfired.

 

I actually deleted him from my facebook last night as I realised I was checking when he was last online too often and was beginning to obsess over it. I'm worried he will see it as a weakness in me but I have to do whats best for me.

 

I have been thinking about writing one final letter spilling my guts out but I think I've done enough of that already and I'm walking a fine line between determination and desperation. If it's meant to be, he'll come back to me.. if not then you live and learn.

Edited June 21, 2016 by serendipity90

[Trinity7]

I actually deleted him from my facebook last night as I realised I was checking when he was last online too often and was beginning to obsess over it. I'm worried he will see it as a weakness in me but I have to do whats best for me.

 

I have been thinking about writing one final letter spilling my guts out but I think I've done enough of that already and I'm walking a fine line between determination and desperation. If it's meant to be, he'll come back to me.. if not then you live and learn.

 

I'm proud of you for deleting him off Facebook-- I had to do the same for the same reason. It's really hard to do.

 

I also feel like I might email him one final letter at some point, but I'm hoping that urge goes away.

 

I've been telling myself the same thing-- if it's meant to be they'll come back. That's been my mantra today. Stay strong! x

[serendipity90]

I'm proud of you for deleting him off Facebook-- I had to do the same for the same reason. It's really hard to do.

 

I also feel like I might email him one final letter at some point, but I'm hoping that urge goes away.

 

I've been telling myself the same thing-- if it's meant to be they'll come back. That's been my mantra today. Stay strong! x

 

Well done you. *high fives*

 

You never know when the right time to write a letter is. I've been asking myself have I left it too late now he's in a new relationship? Should I give him a few months so he can pass the "honeymoon" phase or will it be too late by then? Will I ruin a chance of a friendship if he feels I'm trying to take him away from his new girlfriend? So many questions..

[Itspointless]

Men aren't only to blame. The writer of the site is a straight woman who initially started a blog documenting her dating experiences with men, and thus mostly women came to her blog and now website looking for advice. The major bottom line, which I said, and so does her site or any good book, is that it takes two to do this tango of emotional unavailability. The way many men present it is sometimes different from how women do, but make no mistake, no one says this is a man problem and women are blameless. The whole point of my post, and even that site, is that this person has issues for being this way and so do you for dating them and the goal is to focus on your own reasons for being into it and your own emotional unavailability.

Hi MissBee thank you for reacting, I though I mentioned that you are pointing towards what you are now clarifying to me.