Still in love with my emotionally unavailable ex

[Trinity7]

Ugh, I hear ya.. Sometimes I feel like it's too late to send a letter, sometimes too early.. So for now I'm going to just keep holding off. In your situation, I do feel like now may not be the perfect time to say anything.. If he gets really intense in the early days (my ex was the same), then it'll probably fall on deaf ears. Still, it might make him think and might make you feel better knowing you said and did all you could. That's my reason behind wanting to send mine one-- I couldn't bear it if I thought I hadn't tried my hardest. It would give me some closure even if he didn't respond because I would know I had given it my all and laid it all out there. Ideally for both of us, we could pour it out after they reached out to us first. But I don't know if that'll ever happen for me

 

I couldn't be just friends with my ex, so at least I don't have that question running around in my head too.

[serendipity90]

Ugh, I hear ya.. Sometimes I feel like it's too late to send a letter, sometimes too early.. So for now I'm going to just keep holding off. In your situation, I do feel like now may not be the perfect time to say anything.. If he gets really intense in the early days (my ex was the same), then it'll probably fall on deaf ears. Still, it might make him think and might make you feel better knowing you said and did all you could. That's my reason behind wanting to send mine one-- I couldn't bear it if I thought I hadn't tried my hardest. It would give me some closure even if he didn't respond because I would know I had given it my all and laid it all out there. Ideally for both of us, we could pour it out after they reached out to us first. But I don't know if that'll ever happen for me

 

I couldn't be just friends with my ex, so at least I don't have that question running around in my head too.

 

Yes I know what you mean, I'm torn between fighting for what I love and not coming across like I'm trying to prove my worth to him. I need to piece my thoughts together and find the right words. Even when he was texting me telling me he missed me I was telling him it's all or nothing so he knew I was still open to a reunion but he just said it wouldn't have been fair to continue the relationship if I wasn't giving 100% towards the end which I have to respect his honesty for as much as it hurts.

 

Ideally if we can't reunite then I would like to be his friend but I just can't at the moment. I feel way too negatively about his new relationship. I look at her and I just feel sick, she looks like a little schoolgirl to me - even my mum said that. Yeah she went to Uni and got a maths degree and is into art like he is? So what. Yes I am jealous.

[MissBee]

Yes I have been looking at that site. I got a bit carried away looking at the facebook page and posted loads of quotes on my timeline till one of my friends messaged me worrying if I was ok. I didn't want to look bitter or unstable.

 

Reading about emotionally unavailable men has helped me to understand my ex's behaviour. He acknowledged he had issues with control. I don't want to blame him or use emotional unavailability "as a stick to beat him with" I think he really put a lot of himself into the relationship and grew as a person. I just hate that he gave up on me when I made a mistake. I was always fighting with myself between trying to understand him and my own selfish desires, like with him wanting space.

 

I felt that he had already had a week to himself as he was unemployed at the time and I was looking forward to seeing him that weekend when he said he wanted space. I got annoyed with him using it as a way to push me away and holding all of the power in our relationship so I did a stupid thing and tried the same with him wanting space and it backfired.

 

I actually deleted him from my facebook last night as I realised I was checking when he was last online too often and was beginning to obsess over it. I'm worried he will see it as a weakness in me but I have to do whats best for me.

 

I have been thinking about writing one final letter spilling my guts out but I think I've done enough of that already and I'm walking a fine line between determination and desperation. If it's meant to be, he'll come back to me.. if not then you live and learn.

 

I know all about writing letters and NEVER again.

 

I wrote multiple emails to the ex I mentioned and thinking about it now is so embarrassing.

 

You can write it and never send it, just to get your feelings out, but I don't think it's worth sending, and especially if he doesn't respond or not in the way you'd hope he would, you'll go into a downward spiral feeling even worse.

 

Healthy relationships aren't about power games of holding control, pretend wanting space and things like that. He knows you well enough now and if he wanted you back, he knows how. Also, at this point, it's best to focus on IF and WHY you even want him back. I know in the breakup grief and fog you often just want the person back, mainly because it will stop the pain of rejection, loneliness, etc. but more often than not you live to realize why it was better broken. Actively focusing on what you weren't getting or didn't like in him/the relationship can help you to be rooted in the reality instead of the idealizing we sometimes do after a breakup. This can also help with seeing he wasn't the end all be all and you can definitely move on to a more suitable relationship with someone who doesn't have issues of control and sabotage.

[serendipity90]

Well I sent a letter. I figured that it was worth spilling my heart out one last time and if he doesn't reply then I will have to move on. At least I have closure and the knowledge that I did all I could. I would post it all but I don't want him to google it and trace it back here.

 

I was honest about how I felt when I saw his new relationship but told him I didn't want to make him feel guilty. Told him about the positives in my life, about the fact that I was ignoring him because I hoped it would make him miss me and want me whilst still trying to find things to enrich my life. I told him I wanted him to be happy whether that is with me in his life or not at all and that in time I hoped I could be strong enough to be his friend.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Well I sent a letter. I figured that it was worth spilling my heart out one last time and if he doesn't reply then I will have to move on. At least I have closure and the knowledge that I did all I could. I would post it all but I don't want him to google it and trace it back here.

 

I was honest about how I felt when I saw his new relationship but told him I didn't want to make him feel guilty. Told him about the positives in my life, about the fact that I was ignoring him because I hoped it would make him miss me and want me whilst still trying to find things to enrich my life. I told him I wanted him to be happy whether that is with me in his life or not at all and that in time I hoped I could be strong enough to be his friend.

 

All I can say is that I applaud you for the letter you wrote,

Men aren't mind readers, and the letter is what your heart spoke,

You can't control you who love, whether it will work out or not,

All you can do is say that you tried, and for what you loved, you fought!

[Blanco]

Writing the letter is fine, but sending it? Ehhhhh. It still feels like a bit of a ploy on your part, even if you say you have no expectations.

 

Letters in these cases are generally ineffective even with emotionally "available" people. With the EUA, it has the same emotional impact as opening a bill from the electric company.

[Itspointless]

Two years ago I have sent a letter five months afterwards. She reacted as expected, but for me I was happy that she knew how I looked at it. Never had regrets of it.

 

Many members though sent letters with too much expectations or feel ashamed afterwards for opening their hearts. It is why people usually do not advice to sent it. Stand above the fact that in theory he can ridicule or ignore you. That is of no importance.

[Blanco]

Sending such a letter with no expectations is perfectly fine. It's just that it's rare that we don't have any expectations, whether we want to admit it or not.

[Itspointless]

Sending such a letter with no expectations is perfectly fine. It's just that it's rare that we don't have any expectations, whether we want to admit it or not.

I agree, I already expected how she would react, but it was the confirmation I needed to be able to move on.

[MissBee]

Writing the letter is fine, but sending it? Ehhhhh. It still feels like a bit of a ploy on your part, even if you say you have no expectations.

 

Letters in these cases are generally ineffective even with emotionally "available" people. With the EUA, it has the same emotional impact as opening a bill from the electric company.

 

Pretty much.

 

But you live and you learn with these things.

[serendipity90]

I've always had difficulty managing my expectations but I feel the best I have felt for a long time having written that.

 

I think I took a calm and collected tone, I got the balance right between opening up and not sounding too desperate and like I was begging him to come back.

 

I sent him a text too just in case he missed the email and told him I understood if he didn't respond and he responded about half an hour ago. He just said "I'm pleased you're doing ok, I appreciate the time and thought you put into your email and it was really well written. I'm going to absorb what you've said and get back to you".

 

Honestly I'm not going to expect much but its a step in the right direction. I've realised I do want him back and that I do think he has the capacity to change I was just telling myself that I thought he didn't because it would make me feel better about losing him and it was easier to blame all of the problems on him.

 

I don't want us to lose something special because my pride got in the way and us playing games with each other.

[Itspointless]

I've always had difficulty managing my expectations but I feel the best I have felt for a long time having written that.

 

I think I took a calm and collected tone, I got the balance right between opening up and not sounding too desperate and like I was begging him to come back.

 

I sent him a text too just in case he missed the email and told him I understood if he didn't respond and he responded about half an hour ago. He just said "I'm pleased you're doing ok, I appreciate the time and thought you put into your email and it was really well written. I'm going to absorb what you've said and get back to you".

 

Honestly I'm not going to expect much but its a step in the right direction. I've realised I do want him back and that I do think he has the capacity to change I was just telling myself that I thought he didn't because it would make me feel better about losing him and it was easier to blame all of the problems on him.

 

I don't want us to lose something special because my pride got in the way and us playing games with each other.

Oh boy. I am sorry to say but you are making a big mistake.

[MissBee]

I've always had difficulty managing my expectations but I feel the best I have felt for a long time having written that.

 

I think I took a calm and collected tone, I got the balance right between opening up and not sounding too desperate and like I was begging him to come back.

 

I sent him a text too just in case he missed the email and told him I understood if he didn't respond and he responded about half an hour ago. He just said "I'm pleased you're doing ok, I appreciate the time and thought you put into your email and it was really well written. I'm going to absorb what you've said and get back to you".

 

Honestly I'm not going to expect much but its a step in the right direction. I've realised I do want him back and that I do think he has the capacity to change I was just telling myself that I thought he didn't because it would make me feel better about losing him and it was easier to blame all of the problems on him.

 

I don't want us to lose something special because my pride got in the way and us playing games with each other.

 

I wish you luck, but I don't think this will end well. This is straight from the fallback girl playbook, and I know because I've been there and said the same things and thought the same things.

 

I think him being in a new relationship has sent you into a panic of wanting him back or realizing it's possibly really over and probably makes you feel even more rejected and hurt than when you had not been together really but were still doing this push-pull EU dance. Although you have admitted he is emotionally unavailable, saw yourself and him in the book about it, have admitted to where it wouldn't work, have admitted the flaws and his inability to be committed and reliable,and you have been broken up since last year and this whole time have not really gotten back together in a meaningful way, and nothing has changed...but now you write an email and think he will change because why? Not for me, or LS, but for yourself, it would be helpful to put pen to paper or keyboard to Word doc and list ALL the CONCRETE signs he has or will change or why it will work....read them aloud and check them for evidence in real life and his real actions and not based on just your hope of some perhaps possibility. Maybe this exercise will be scary because hoping that it will work feels more pleasant than the alternative, but the disappointment of that is far less painful than continuously dragging a lame horse to the water and forcing it to drink.

 

My intention is not to beat you up. I get where you are emotionally and get that you will likely have to be dragged through the ringer once more before it sinks in, but your relationship has been characterized by push and pull from YOUR description and I'm not sure what evidence you have that your ex, who when you were together was like that, you broke up about 8 months ago and in ALL that time he's never changed, never stopped pushing and pulling, and now has a new gf, but between your post here and your email, all of a sudden things will be different and he will change. Can change is different from has changed or will change. Maybe you should really read that book and blog again, which will ground you more in the reality versus the fog of your feelings.

 

Like I said, it's not that people don't change. People change for themselves when THEY are tired of their own behavior and it takes lots of time. Had you not emailed him first, and even with his response, how does that signal that he has done the hard work to change, or d you believe you will love him and help him to change once back together?They don't change for you or because you love them and there is no evidence here even about change. It probably feels harsh and unpleasant to hear of course, trust me, I've been there...but you're simply hoping against hope in a situation that doesn't really seem to be one that deserves all this hope and optimism. I could understand a bit more (although unavailable people make promises they can't keep) if HE was the one who reached out to you, after HIS own soul searching, and his own personal work on his issues, and apologized and acknowledged his flaws and behaviors and asked for a second chance....this isn't what happened at all though, which is the biggest indicator that YOUR feelings, fears, rejection etc are driving it, and not his capacity for change. You're the one who has felt the pain of the push and pull, you're the one who kept sticking around, you're the one who has been pouring out your soul and he's the driver who like at a job interview gets to "think about it" and "get back to you", like why??? Why does he have ALL that power when the main issue seemed to be him to begin with? Fallback girls take on undue blame and burden to make their sinking relationship (or nonrelationship) work and this seems to be what you're doing...willing to say it's your pride and that maybe you're the one who should be chasing him when there is no legit reason for this. He has a new gf and in ALL this time has not ever been the one to consider his own actions or even speak about change...you've projected that on to him, which is a recipe for disaster, hopes and expectations that are not based in reality but in what you want things to be.

 

Either way though, I really do wish you well and however it turns out, you'll grow and learn from it for next time.

Edited June 23, 2016 by MissBee

[Blanco]

Agreed with MissBee.

 

I left my last relationship because her emotional unavailability had become too much to bear, especially as she had become more critical of me even though I was assuming more responsibilities by living with her and her children.

 

I was sad to leave, don't get me wrong, but it felt oddly liberating. I missed her in a sense, but more because I was missing the person I *wanted* her to be. I still saw her and her children regularly, which kept me attached, but overall, I was pretty sure I didn't want nor see a happy future with her. And then she got into a new relationship.

 

Panic.

 

It was the sign that we were really done, but what added to the chaos in my head was the thought that maybe I had made a mistake. I totally blocked out that her emotional unavailability didn't mean she wasn't still quite striking, charming, and sexy. No, instead I took someone jumping into my spot to mean that it was I who had made a mistake.

 

I eventually snapped out of it, though the struggle to cope after I finally cut her out of my life entirely lasted much longer. Truthfully, it was still on my mind most days, though I am glad we're no longer together. I mourn the loss of her children and of who I wish she had been.

 

Please try to remind yourself that his new relationship does not change who he fundamentally is, just as my ex's new relationship didn't change who she was. Even if our ex's new partners find the relationships suitable for them, it doesn't change that our relationship with our exes weren't suitable for us.

[serendipity90]

I know I could end up getting hurt again but I think it's worth the risk. I've had enough rejections from job interviews to have developed a thicker skin. It's better than wondering what if all the time.

 

He still hasn't replied since Wednesday night but I think he will eventually, he's just giving it some real thought which I think is a good sign.

 

I can see by looking at his last.fm that he was listening to music most of the day yesterday and he has been tonight too so musn't have spent too much time with his new gf this weekend. I can't bring myself to look at his relationship status on facebook. I'm just trying to keep myself busy in the meantime.

 

I think I was too invested in the relationship and neglected to go out and make friends and got on his case too much about him wanting space when he just needs time to think things through. I'm not badgering him for a reply, the balls in his court now so it's just up to him.

[Zahara]

I know I could end up getting hurt again but I think it's worth the risk. I've had enough rejections from job interviews to have developed a thicker skin. It's better than wondering what if all the time.

 

Rejection faced in an emotional relationship versus interviews is a totally different beast.

 

He still hasn't replied since Wednesday night but I think he will eventually, he's just giving it some real thought which I think is a good sign.

 

Or he's not concerned because he's emotionally disconnected. Having been in relationships like yours, we often project our own feelings onto the other person -- chances are they're not as invested as we are.

 

I can see by looking at his last.fm that he was listening to music most of the day yesterday and he has been tonight too so musn't have spent too much time with his new gf this weekend. I can't bring myself to look at his relationship status on facebook. I'm just trying to keep myself busy in the meantime.

 

Why are you stalking him? You sent the letter, now you move on. You don't monitor his moves. He was listening to music all day so he must not have spent much time with his girlfriend? Planting seeds of denial in your head doesn't get you anywhere -- if this is what you have to tell yourself to feel better, you'll drive yourself absolutely bonkers trying to alleviate your fears.

 

I think I was too invested in the relationship and neglected to go out and make friends and got on his case too much about him wanting space when he just needs time to think things through. I'm not badgering him for a reply, the balls in his court now so it's just up to him.

 

Unfortunately, even after an ending you're still sitting there monitoring his moves. Still as invested, even when you don't have a relationship with him. Yes, the ball is in his court -- move on with your life and accept the break-up. Block everything. If he returns, then he returns -- but understand that 2 years of hot and cold, on and off is likely what you'll endure the next time around, if he comes back. Been there done that. There's a reason why it could never work the many times it failed.

 

The dynamic of a hot/cold and push/pull relationship always leaves one person clutching for dear life. The panic creates dependency and desperation. Chances are that is what you did out of fear -- the dynamic will repeat again because he is patterned this way and you will always cling.

Edited June 26, 2016 by Zahara

[serendipity90]

Well after a tough week of feeling sick and losing my appetite I texted him on Thursday asking if he'd like to meet up and chat with no pressure or expectation given what he'd said before about finding putting things down in writing cumbersome then he replied several hours later asking if I was free after work the next day so I said yes and we met up in the pub by him.

 

Mentally I was preparing myself not to expect too much but my heart was still holding onto the hope that all we needed was time apart and that meeting me might stir some sort of emotion in him and that the person who posted he was hurt by me rejecting his messages in May caused him to move on might have been right.

 

We chatted about other things and told each other about the positive things going on in our lives. Then he brought up the email so I told him how I felt but he just said he didn't feel the same anymore and couldn't see us getting back together again. Obviously I was gutted but held it together and didn't break down. He was saying he realized he was prioritizing the wrong things in his life and didn't realize till later on. I brought up the fact that he texted me near our break up that I was all that he could think about, what can I do? Then the next week he wanted space. He had forgotten all about that but just said I will find someone who I deserve. He said he still wanted to be friends and asked me how long I needed but I couldn't say.

 

We wished each other well and hugged then I got a panicky call from him when I got home saying he was locked out of his flat as his mum had gone whilst we were talking and he didn't bother taking his keys with him so I offered to get the keys from his mums house as neither of them drive and it was too late to get the bus to which he felt really awkward about but said he'd be grateful if I could so I did as I didn't want to see him upset on the street. He was angry with his mum as she didn't seem to care. He gave me £5 and we said goodbye again.

 

He texted me when I got back saying thanks and that was the first time all year he couldn't see his way out of a situation so I just said yes I know you can't handle it when things are out of your control and thanked him for seeing me. He said he hoped it hadn't made things worst but I just said no, easier if anything, I just felt numb and that I could see now he was not capable of the emotional intimacy that I want.

 

Yesterday I felt very emotional, I forced myself to go out to a show where we went together last year and it brought back memories so had to leave early and cried on the way back in the car. Today I feel a bit better and went to a festival near me but am going to read a book in a bit about break ups. I think I was just mourning what we had.

 

I might message him in a few months when I feel ready asking what kind of friendship he thinks we could have. I still care about him but feel he is going to struggle in his new relationship as time goes on and she wants more from him but maybe she will end up being the one who will change him. I could make myself feel better by telling myself it won't work out between them because he is too broken but I have to find it in my heart to want the best for him first. I'm just pleased he was honest with me and not giving me false hope so I can move on.

 

Yes I hurt myself again but at least I'm not wondering what if now.

Edited July 3, 2016 by serendipity90

[BC1980]

You really don't need to try to form any kind of friendship with this guy or be concerned about his new relationship. You need to go NC on this one. Specifically, because it was hot/cold, on and off, that makes NC all the more important. He has been in the cat bird seat for years and knows it. You have been the more desperate party, so you can't really go in with half measure like being friends. This power dynamic will destroy your self-esteem, and it probably already has.

 

Often, when someone is unavailable, they just haven't found the right person. You just weren't the right person for him, and I know how hard that is when you feel the opposite. More than likely, these supposed unavailables will commit when the find the right person. We like to label them as unavailable because it's a more palatable way to accept a breakup. I say all this because you are worried his new girl will be the one to change him and get the commitment. There is probably nothing to change. It just wasn't a match, so don't be so hard on yourself that you couldn't make him commit. I doubt there was much you could have done.

[stillafool]

I completely agree with BC1980. Most people who we consider unavailable emotionally are only UE to us. Once the right person comes along their emotions are activated and completely available for that person. I know it hurts right now but the good news is the person for you whose emotions will be completely available to you is right around the corner. This guy just wasn't the right one for you. Please don't contact him later on to try to be friends because I can guarantee he just said that to be kind. There is no way you two can become friends because it will create bitterness in you. It's really time to put this behind you and not look back.

Edited July 3, 2016 by stillafool

[serendipity90]

You really don't need to try to form any kind of friendship with this guy or be concerned about his new relationship. You need to go NC on this one. Specifically, because it was hot/cold, on and off, that makes NC all the more important. He has been in the cat bird seat for years and knows it. You have been the more desperate party, so you can't really go in with half measure like being friends. This power dynamic will destroy your self-esteem, and it probably already has.

 

Often, when someone is unavailable, they just haven't found the right person. You just weren't the right person for him, and I know how hard that is when you feel the opposite. More than likely, these supposed unavailables will commit when the find the right person. We like to label them as unavailable because it's a more palatable way to accept a breakup. I say all this because you are worried his new girl will be the one to change him and get the commitment. There is probably nothing to change. It just wasn't a match, so don't be so hard on yourself that you couldn't make him commit. I doubt there was much you could have done.

 

Yes I think you are right there. I have to want the best for him to avoid becoming bitter. I know his mum still feels very bitter towards his dad even after 20 years of divorcing and with little contact. I don't have any reason to be bitter towards him though, he gave a lot of himself in the relationship and when things were good made me feel secure and happy. He never said anything nasty or was never abusive towards me. Things just didn't work out, our love didn't stand the test of time and I have to accept that.

 

I do think he genuinely cares about his ex's, he got in touch with his previous ex after we broke up but she didn't want to know and I do want to be his friend. I just need time to sort out my feelings first and put myself first. Maybe I will feel ready when I meet the one for me. I just feel angry with myself for hankering after someone who doesn't feel the same and probably wasn't right for me but I can't help how I feel.

[BC1980]

Yes I think you are right there. I have to want the best for him to avoid becoming bitter. I know his mum still feels very bitter towards his dad even after 20 years of divorcing and with little contact. I don't have any reason to be bitter towards him though, he gave a lot of himself in the relationship and when things were good made me feel secure and happy. He never said anything nasty or was never abusive towards me. Things just didn't work out, our love didn't stand the test of time and I have to accept that.

 

I do think he genuinely cares about his ex's, he got in touch with his previous ex after we broke up but she didn't want to know and I do want to be his friend. I just need time to sort out my feelings first and put myself first. Maybe I will feel ready when I meet the one for me. I just feel angry with myself for hankering after someone who doesn't feel the same and probably wasn't right for me but I can't help how I feel.

 

I've been where you are. I was in a 3 yr. relationship with a person who was not going to commit to me for the long haul. I saw it all with rose colored glasses. I only saw the good, and I only took into account when he wanted to commit to me. We only broke up once, but he waffled a lot on his ability to commit. At some point, those types of relationships become really bad for your self-esteem because you are trying to change to make a person want you. Or you are trying to change that person. You are constantly wondering what you need to do or say to make the person commit, and you are constantly second guess what you did or said to keep the person from committing. You never truly feel safe, or you feel safe only occasionally.

 

Right now, it's perfectly okay to feel bitter and angry towards him. I was angry for quite some time after my breakup. All of those emotions are normal, human reactions that the majority of people feel after a breakup. You don't have to wish the best for him either. There's no rule that says you must wish someone well who caused you tremendous pain. Eventually, it's good to get to a point where you are ambivalent and don't wish him anything. That is when you will have moved on. One of the best things you can do is invest in yourself. You can look at your actions and see where you could have made a different choice. Because there are usually red flags that you ignored.

[serendipity90]

I've been where you are. I was in a 3 yr. relationship with a person who was not going to commit to me for the long haul. I saw it all with rose colored glasses. I only saw the good, and I only took into account when he wanted to commit to me. We only broke up once, but he waffled a lot on his ability to commit. At some point, those types of relationships become really bad for your self-esteem because you are trying to change to make a person want you. Or you are trying to change that person. You are constantly wondering what you need to do or say to make the person commit, and you are constantly second guess what you did or said to keep the person from committing. You never truly feel safe, or you feel safe only occasionally.

 

Right now, it's perfectly okay to feel bitter and angry towards him. I was angry for quite some time after my breakup. All of those emotions are normal, human reactions that the majority of people feel after a breakup. You don't have to wish the best for him either. There's no rule that says you must wish someone well who caused you tremendous pain. Eventually, it's good to get to a point where you are ambivalent and don't wish him anything. That is when you will have moved on. One of the best things you can do is invest in yourself. You can look at your actions and see where you could have made a different choice. Because there are usually red flags that you ignored.

 

I was demonising him before, I read mr unavailable and the fallback girl and it stirred a lot of emotions in me. I could definitely see the signs at the beginning of the relationship but I saw a determination in him that wanted to make it work when I called him out on things.

 

It didn't help that we had mental health problems - I was schizophrenic, he had aspergers and we both had social anxiety so it was never going to be easy. He would want space when I became ill and wanted support which would make me feel like I was being needy and that it was my fault which took some time to understand it was just his own coping mechanism.

 

He wanted to break up with me Christmas 2014 but we talked and had a break then he came back to me after about 3 weeks then we had a really great 6 - 7 months till I moved in with him and he had a meltdown because I turned the tv up on a program he didn't like when there were roadworks outside. Then we went to a show where he didn't say till later on that he had arranged to meet his mum and I tried to get him to meet her later so we could see one of the next events but he got really moody so I left just to keep him happy. Then we went to a pet store where I asked him if we could get a guinea pig and he said he didn't want pets. All of this giving in to him all of the time led to me wanting to break up with him where he sobbed his heart out and said he thought I was the one so I changed my mind.

 

Then a couple of weeks later he wanted space and that's when it started again where I felt like we were getting close then he'd back away. I started saying I wanted to break up as I felt like if he wanted an escape route then I'd give it him but he said he didn't want that. I asked to move back in when the roadworks were finished a month or two later as I didn't want him to think I didn't like living with him then he said he didn't think he wanted to be in a relationship. We were friends with benefits for a month or two till I told him I wanted to see other people if he wasn't going to change his mind and he got upset.

 

I guess I've been living the past few months since we'd been apart hoping all we needed was time apart and he'd come back to me but that hope has gone and I have to move on.

 

I think he has a fear of people getting too close to him as he doesn't feel in control and I will be surprised if his new relationship lasts but maybe she'll be able to handle all of his control freak issues better.

Edited July 4, 2016 by serendipity90

[serendipity90]

I just think the hardest question is did he ever really love me to move on so quickly?

 

It would have been so much easier if I had found someone to fall in love with first.

[serendipity90]

I've been up and down the past few days.

 

I had to come home from work early Monday as I had a upset stomach and was just feeling really stressed with work and everything else that has been going on.

 

I've been telling myself I can handle it and that I can hold it all together but it all catches up with me sometimes.

 

People keep saying "move on", "you deserve better" and things like that but it doesn't make things easier. I just feel so empty. I have to believe there is something better round the corner though.

[bummer]

I have to believe there is something better round the corner though.

 

Put something around that corner then.

 

Plan a mini or long vacation solo or with a friend. Can tell you many single ladies post breakup go run to SE Asia for some eat pray love time.

 

If you have a trip planned, you have something to distract you (planning) and look forward to (beach mojitos).