Still in love with my emotionally unavailable ex

[serendipity90]

Put something around that corner then.

 

Plan a mini or long vacation solo or with a friend. Can tell you many single ladies post breakup go run to SE Asia for some eat pray love time.

 

If you have a trip planned, you have something to distract you (planning) and look forward to (beach mojitos).

 

I have a trip planned to America in September and I went on holiday to the Canary Islands in June which is where I found out about my ex being in a new relationship.

[serendipity90]

I've just read an article which really resonated with me:

 

Do You Love Your Ex A Little Too Much? | |Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng |Toronto Love Doctor

 

I wish I had read it sooner. I was listening to too much advice telling me to go NC as it will make him miss me and want me when all it does is "create a kind of pseudo-intimacy which opens the door to manipulation by one partner and defensive reactions in the other".

 

I feel like I want to ring and tell him about this article and tell him I finally get it now but I don't want to be too open. I want to maintain some kind of contact but I'm in a difficult situation as I was telling him I need time to heal when although I told him I hoped me going no contact would make him miss me and want me, I did benefit from finding myself too and discovering I didn't need him so much and was a bit too dependent on him.

[NIGHT1985]

NC isn't about making your Ex miss you. It's about cutting off all contact to give yourself distance and time to heal. Even though it's hard for any of us to hear, we shouldn't be going backwards to an ex.

[serendipity90]

I rang him up on Tuesday night as I realised the desire to maintain some kind of connection to him was stronger than the hurt I feel. I told him this.

 

We talked for a little while about other things, I told him I was a fool for taking bad advice in going no contact to make him miss me and want me and that I still loved him.

 

I asked him what kind of friendship he wanted and he said what do you mean so I said do you want to meet up for a coffee once in a while and take it from there? He said he told me he wanted to be able to talk openly about his new girlfriend as she was now a major part of his life, I told him I wasn't interested in her and that we could talk about other things. He introduced her into the conversation every so often saying how they were both on the gifted children into maths program at school and she went on to get a first in a maths degree but found it too easy and had a hard time dealing with isolation at uni.

 

He started telling me about her issues with body dysmorphia which he used to have and how she has ocd tendencies with cleaning all of the time and won't let him in her home (!!) but a quick google search on her (yes i know..) shows a newspaper article from last year where her local council installed a toilet in her bedroom instead of her mum's by accident and it looks like a tip! He said how they're both very similar and into art where they're going on a trip to London to visit some art galleries on the weekend so it looks like she is a better match for him than me and I will have to accept that.

 

He said he doesn't think I am ready to be friends as I deleted him on facebook. I said it's up to him if he wants to contact me and meet up with me. He said do you mind either way? I said no and that was the end of the conversation. 2 hours in total.

 

The ball is in his court but I will need some more time to think about things before I start thinking about adding him on facebook again. I don't think I have much chance of getting him back.

[Zahara]

I rang him up on Tuesday night as I realised the desire to maintain some kind of connection to him was stronger than the hurt I feel. I told him this.

 

Often thinking that it's a sign to break contact when in fact the healthy and best thing to do is to work through that pain rather than revisit what is hurting you. You're going through withdrawals -- you needed a fix but instead of fighting through it, you decided to get your drug.

 

The ball is in his court but I will need some more time to think about things before I start thinking about adding him on facebook again. I don't think I have much chance of getting him back.

 

He knows you're not ready for friendship. You know you are not ready for a friendship. Yes, there is likely no chance of getting him back but you know that -- you're just having a tough time with denial.

[serendipity90]

Often thinking that it's a sign to break contact when in fact the healthy and best thing to do is to work through that pain rather than revisit what is hurting you. You're going through withdrawals -- you needed a fix but instead of fighting through it, you decided to get your drug.

 

 

 

He knows you're not ready for friendship. You know you are not ready for a friendship. Yes, there is likely no chance of getting him back but you know that -- you're just having a tough time with denial.

 

 

I just thought I'd already messed things up by putting that distance in between us. When I met up with him a couple of weeks ago he was asking me if I wanted to be friends and how long I needed which I didn't answer at the time.

 

He sent me a birthday card on my birthday May 25th saying I'm always here for you before getting into a relationship the next week on the 31st but obviously he only means if I accept his new relationship first which talking to him has done.

 

I do feel better for talking to him, my anxiety has reduced and my appetite is coming back. His new gf sounds like a strong girl who has overcome a lot of personal and mental issues, much like me I suppose. Maybe one day we can be friends but I realise that it will be much too soon right now.

[Zahara]

I just thought I'd already messed things up by putting that distance in between us. When I met up with him a couple of weeks ago he was asking me if I wanted to be friends and how long I needed which I didn't answer at the time.

 

He sent me a birthday card on my birthday May 25th saying I'm always here for you before getting into a relationship the next week on the 31st but obviously he only means if I accept his new relationship first which talking to him has done.

 

I do feel better for talking to him, my anxiety has reduced and my appetite is coming back. His new gf sounds like a strong girl who has overcome a lot of personal and mental issues, much like me I suppose. Maybe one day we can be friends but I realise that it will be much too soon right now.

 

You read "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" yes? I read it. What did you learn from it?

 

When dealing with these sorts, the best thing to do is distance, NC and move on. Realistically, friends is not up for discussion. The only possible way for that to happen is when you're completely emotionally detached and accepting that he is not someone you will ever choose as a life partner. Understand he can be friends because he is not emotionally invested in you anymore. And likely these kinds want to be friends to keep you on the sidelines. You have more to lose than he does.

 

Yes, you feel better because you got your fix. Once that fix dies off, those feelings that you were running away from will resurface. You need to deal with it and face it rather than reach out to him. He is a drug. You are an addict. The only way to detox is to stay NC. Anything other than that, will keep you stuck.

[BC1980]

I do feel better for talking to him, my anxiety has reduced and my appetite is coming back. His new gf sounds like a strong girl who has overcome a lot of personal and mental issues, much like me I suppose. Maybe one day we can be friends but I realise that it will be much too soon right now.

 

I remember that feeling. You feel okay after you talk to the person, but, when another month goes by and you haven't talked to him, reality sets in again. When you go back to your daily routine and realize he's no longer a part of your life, it's reality again. You will call him again with all that hope, and, again, he will tell you that he wants to talk about his new relationship. And then, it's back to reality and pain. I've been there and done that. I learned the hard way.

 

This high you are feeling is temporary. In the long term, you are causing yourself more pain. It makes more sense to go NC and feel temporary pain because you will be able to let go in the long term. You will be able to find peace.

[serendipity90]

You read "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" yes? I read it. What did you learn from it?

 

When dealing with these sorts, the best thing to do is distance, NC and move on. Realistically, friends is not up for discussion. The only possible way for that to happen is when you're completely emotionally detached and accepting that he is not someone you will ever choose as a life partner. Understand he can be friends because he is not emotionally invested in you anymore. And likely these kinds want to be friends to keep you on the sidelines. You have more to lose than he does.

 

Yes, you feel better because you got your fix. Once that fix dies off, those feelings that you were running away from will resurface. You need to deal with it and face it rather than reach out to him. He is a drug. You are an addict. The only way to detox is to stay NC. Anything other than that, will keep you stuck.

 

Well I did recognize those behaviours in him at times but reading the book seems to put all of the fault with him when I think I had some part in him closing down.

 

Things were really great between us last year but things just disintegrated somehow and I've been reflecting on the part I had in that. I wanted to dump him when he said he never wanted pets when he only meant for the time being and I blame myself for that when I should have just asked what he meant by that.

 

He started wanting space again when I should have just respected his need to sort things through in his head and I gave him ultimatums which probably made him feel suffocated when in my mind I was worried he was feeling suffocated and was giving him an out.

 

I think I have very little chance of getting him back and want to get to a place where I can see him as a friend. He does sound more invested in his new relationship and tends to pick girlfriends who have a lot of mental issues which is a big burden to shoulder alone. He doesn't have many friends and I have become more outgoing in the time we've been apart and I think I could help him.

 

I'm just going to leave it down to him although I suspect he will be waiting for me to add him on facebook first which I won't do too soon as I don't want to look desperate.

 

I'm going to go to a meetup in town tonight to try and take my mind off things. Another issue is that he lives in town so if I happen to bump into him with his new gf I'll just have to smile politely.

[Zahara]

When you've been with emotionally unavailable men -- push/pull, hot/cold, breakup/reconcile relationships, it throws you off balance and leaves you doing things that are irrational. It's because it causes deep insecurities. It tears at your self-esteem leaving you compromising and questioning yourself. Always on the edge -- overly emotional, reactionary, etc.

 

Hopefully you get to a point of indifference one day and see this for what it is. But knowing the ones that push and pull, as soon as the new relationship destructs, they'll be swinging by for a next round -- depending on who is available.

 

At the end of the day, you're going to do what you want to do and I don't think any amount of advice based on experience given by those that have been in these types of relationships is going to help you. And that is okay because sometimes you just have to go through that journey on your own.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited July 16, 2016 by Zahara

[serendipity90]

When you've been with emotionally unavailable men -- push/pull, hot/cold, breakup/reconcile relationships, it throws you off balance and leaves you doing things that are irrational. It's because it causes deep insecurities. It tears at your self-esteem leaving you compromising and questioning yourself. Always on the edge -- overly emotional, reactionary, etc.

 

Hopefully you get to a point of indifference one day and see this for what it is. But knowing the ones that push and pull, as soon as the new relationship destructs, they'll be swinging by for a next round -- depending on who is available.

 

At the end of the day, you're going to do what you want to do and I don't think any amount of advice based on experience given by those that have been in these types of relationships is going to help you. And that is okay because sometimes you just have to go through that journey on your own.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I think I will always love and care about him. I can see him for the person that he is beyond how he treated me.

 

I think I'm in a stronger place now, I've gained confidence. I don't need him in my life to feel personally fulfilled and I told him this. Maybe he only wants people in his life who need him?

 

I told him I'll leave the ball in his court. He said do you mind either way? I said no as I don't want him to feel obligated into talking to me.

 

I'm going to carry on seeing other people anyway so I won't waste my life waiting around for him.