Intimacy - different kinds

[SunBird]

Hi all. I'm interested to hear others' experiences with this. I'm late 30s, have had a fair few failed relationships (from 3 months to 3years) and am in a period of self discovery to try and work out what patterns I have fallen into and why.

Generally I have found myself in relationships with strong sexual attraction, but to narcissistic men where where they are emotionally unavailable. I think subconsciously I have seen this as 'safe' (because of my own issues being close) and had no doubts about how I have felt about them physically. This is clearly not a good thing but I am now aware and avoid these types.

 

In contrast, when I have gone out with 'good' guys where we've had a better foundation, but the sexual attraction has not been the lead thing (all together healthier I would say), then I find that the attraction doesn't last that long and I stop fancying them, or am less open sexually and find physical intimacy harder with them. For example I feel shy and find it harder to communicate.

 

With the 'bad' guys I have no problems being physical and even try to communicate via sex. Terrible, but shows me that it's not just overall problems with sex. Then with the good ones I am less free in myself and clam up more or am more withdrawn in how touchy feely I am.

 

Do you think the shyness is because I don't really fancy those guys, or becasue the additional emotional intimacy, the 'being seen' aspect, is what stops me from being as open?

 

Does anyone else have experience of this or thoughts? Thanks

[gkly]

What's the first thing you pay attention to? Personality or the looks? Narcissistic guys are usually the hot ones, who do not need to work hard to get girls. Maybe after getting hurt, you decide to date the nice guys, who are always there and ready to please you. Then you find this boring and go out to play hard-to-get games... Also you feel charged up after meeting nice guys but something feels missing (sexual attraction) because their looks isn't your type.

[Satu]

Hi all. I'm interested to hear others' experiences with this. I'm late 30s, have had a fair few failed relationships (from 3 months to 3years) and am in a period of self discovery to try and work out what patterns I have fallen into and why.

Generally I have found myself in relationships with strong sexual attraction, but to narcissistic men where where they are emotionally unavailable. I think subconsciously I have seen this as 'safe' (because of my own issues being close) and had no doubts about how I have felt about them physically. This is clearly not a good thing but I am now aware and avoid these types.

 

In contrast, when I have gone out with 'good' guys where we've had a better foundation, but the sexual attraction has not been the lead thing (all together healthier I would say), then I find that the attraction doesn't last that long and I stop fancying them, or am less open sexually and find physical intimacy harder with them. For example *I feel shy and find it harder to communicate.

 

With the 'bad' guys I have no problems being physical and even try to communicate via sex. Terrible, but shows me that it's not just overall problems with sex. Then *with the good ones I am less free in myself and clam up more or am more withdrawn in how touchy feely I am.

 

Do you think the shyness is because I don't really fancy those guys, or *becasue the additional emotional intimacy, the 'being seen' aspect, is what stops me from being as open?

 

 

*Yes, I think so.

 

You're not comfortable when it comes to being emotionally open and vulnerable. I think you know that yourself.

 

Happily, I can now roll out one of my favourite Jung quotes:

 

 

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

 

—C. G. Jung

 

 

Take care.

[BaileyB]

Nice quote. I like it.

 

I too find it hard to really open up to someone. It takes me a long time to trust and really allow myself to be vulnerable. Something I am working on too...

[SunBird]

Thank you for your replies.

 

What a lovely quote. I think i need to read that over and over to fully understand and appreciate it.

 

So you think that my intimacy issues are getting in that way of how I feel when im intimate (rather than just not being with the right person?).

 

It's all so confusing - annoying what emotional neglect in childhood does to a girl! I so want to be clear about how I feel.

 

I know it is possible for attraction to grow. But i guess what I wanted to know from others is if they had had the experience of feeling shy or held back regarding sex and if it is likely that is an absence of sexual attraction, or just fear of intimacy.

 

The reason for these questions is I have this one specific situation where I have a very close friend who I am super close to but am worried about the attraction. I dont look at him and thing phwooooor. But I am attracted to him. Im certainly attached to him emotionally. We mean a lot to each other, but i have held back with regard to a relationship as i was worried that i should be full of lust where I'm not.

 

Its so hard not to let the perceived idea of a 'typical' relationship to get in the way of how things are for me in this specific situation.

[todreaminblue]

 

The reason for these questions is I have this one specific situation where I have a very close friend who I am super close to but am worried about the attraction. I dont look at him and thing phwooooor. But I am attracted to him. Im certainly attached to him emotionally. We mean a lot to each other, but i have held back with regard to a relationship as i was worried that i should be full of lust where I'm not.

 

Its so hard not to let the perceived idea of a 'typical' relationship to get in the way of how things are for me in this specific situation.

 

i feel having an emotional connection BEFORE allows more of a chance for a LASTING sexual attraction to develop...i base this fact on all my long term relationships have been an emotional connection first, the sexual attraction comes later...

 

for me having an emotional connection is absolutely necessary...

 

i would never be able to trust myself or the guy in a relationship that was built on sexual attraction...there has to be some form of bond already there for me to become sexually attracted anyway and its always been a reciprocated bond ....

 

i dont think its unusual to form a relationship and allow a sexual attraction to develop.....its in controlling that sexual attraction that is growing and not acting on it...that tests your metal and fabric of the relationship you are building..thats my belief.....i feel it forms longer lasting relationships....to allow a sexual attraction to develop with true knowledge of that other person and yourself...and how you mesh your dynamic together before sex....often the best relationships start when the person sees the other as a friend first......but then this is my opinion...and the "friend zone" is a dreaded place on loveshack......deb

[SunBird]

Thanks, that is really helpful and I agree with the idea of strong friendships first as, after all, what good is a relationship without that.

 

It's so hard not to compare with others. I know that all relationships are totally different and having preconceived ideas of what your relationships might look like is a bad idea and can be limiting. I find i over think far too much and project into the future worrying about each detail or second guessing what 'might' be.

 

My fears stop me moving forward in so many ways. I've made so many mistakes and have found myself at 38 alone, so the idea of trying something again is petrifying, especially with someone who is so very different from what I had ever imagined from the person I would be with.

 

This situation just doesn't go away though. We've known each other 2 years and its been nearly 1 year since this has been tormenting me. I thought time would just work it out, but it doesn't relent. That makes me think perhaps I should just launch forth and hope for the best. Another friend said i have nothing to loose, but I am just not sure i can bear to go through something else that doesn't work out. And there are certainly great losses from his point of view if it doesn't as i know how sensitive he is.

 

Sick of hearing myself go on about it! Longing for a day when I trust my heart and my head better.

[Els]

Do you think it's possible you might be pigeonholing guys or judging them based on the cover? Not accusing you, just suggesting that you consider the possibility. I mean, yes, there's the stereotypical 'bad boy' who's narcissistic, jerkish, an ******* all around but totally hot in bed, and then there's the stereotypical 'good guy' who's a great bf, kind, etc, but unassertive and passive in bed.

 

But in reality, guys don't necessarily fit into either of the two categories. There really are good guys who can be confident and attractive and hot in bed. It's possible that you haven't met such a guy who was available, but do you think it's also possible that you HAVE met him and discounted him for whatever reason?

[Satu]

Sometimes we need to look beyond our 'type.'

 

 

That means looking beyond the type of person that we've most often got together with.

 

But it also means going beyond our long-held conception of who we are.

 

You're actively looking at the question of who you really are, and thats a good thing.

 

 

But here is something that came into my head one day:

 

 

"Don't define yourself. Don't ascribe attributes and qualities, likes and dislikes, plus or minus characteristics to yourself. Not sexual orientation, religion, political affiliation, or anything else.

 

If you do, you bring a beautiful flowing song to a dead stop."

 

I no longer define myself in any fixed way.

 

 

I also think we should refrain from ascribing 'type' to others.

 

The idea of only two types, 'narcissists' and 'good guys,' is a limiting belief that you might be wise to discard.

 

After all, there's only one of anyone.

 

 

Take care.

Edited June 20, 2016 by Satu

[Emilia]

I agree that might be too much pigeonholing but I'd also say that if you feel more shy with a man because connecting with him feels less familiar, you should persist because you can work through it. It needs to take some rational as well as emotional effort.

[SunBird]

Thanks guys, that is really helpful. You are right. I am being very black and white here. I guess to an extent I was trying to very briefly summarise all the relationships I have had, and 'in summary' they have seemed to come under two categories. But I am certainly not one say say everyone has a 'type', I dont think that is the case at all.

I do think however that I am not thinking freely enough and I have maybe had an image of the kind of person or relationship i might have (based on what i see around me) and maybe that will never be my reality. There is someone i am close to who really cares about me and gets me and who I regularly imagine myself being intimate with, but who I am discounting becasue he's not who i thought i would end up with.

Life is here and now and i need to roll with that and forget the future and the past. I also need to be brave with regard to intimacy.

Thank you Emilia. I do need to try more. I guess i have just been used to being with guys where there was no doubt about my sexual attraction, and sex was so easy becasue they were physically so attractive (to me, not in general) and there was no emotional 'risk'. But I really want to discover the physical aspect of an emotional connection - I just didn't wanted to be reassured that it's ok not to be head over heels in lust, that its ok to feel nervous and unsure and that isn't necessarily about attraction, it's about fear of intimacy.

Thanks

[SunBird]

I just wanted to post a follow up - after 2 years of knowing him and one year of holding back and letting my fears rule, my friend and I are now together and seeing how that goes! It's very scary and very exciting and such a relief after all the heart ache.

 

Time to let the heart lead the head for once.

 

And with regard to the topic - so far so good! We have decided to be quite victorian about the whole thing and not move too fast, but I can already tell from kissing him that a) there is a whole lot of chemistry there and b) he definitely knows what he's doing if you know what I mean! Horray!

[BaileyB]

Good for you! Be proud of yourself and have fun!