kalika Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 (edited) Guys, I've been reading a lot of dating threads and it seems pretty common to have sex with the person by date 3, 4 or 5 - maybe even sooner - and even before any exclusivity talk. Last night, I went on date #3 with this guy I met online. We see each other once or twice a week so far. Last night was a comedy show, then out for drinks and then back to his place. I admit we got pretty hot but I slowed it down and we didn't have any type of actual sex. But now I'm seriously wondering, am I abnormal to not want to have sex within the first month at least?? I feel like we barely know each other, but we're starting to open up to each other a bit finally. I had mentioned that I don't like to rush, it's a big deal for me to even call someone my "boyfriend". To me, a boyfriend is someone that I actually see a future with, otherwise I won't be dating him or making him my boyfriend .. and I don't want to have sex without exclusivity. He did mention at one point that he doesn't date multiple people, but I'm not interested in taking any chances and either way, I don't know him well enough to feel comfortable being naked and vulnerable in front of him. I really want to get to know him first, and I want him to really get to know me first. I'm not ready for sex and might not be for a month or two, depending on the pace we go and whether we're exclusive or not. Am I delusional or is immediate sex the new normal?? Is it too much to ask him to wait at least a month or so??? Edited June 20, 2016 by kalika Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Yeah, pretty much that (the title) was my experience, even back in the HIV days. If a guy wasn't headed that way strongly out of the gate, another guy would replace him due to perceived lack of interest. Heard it enough and changed and successes followed. However, nearly all the women I dated were divorced single mothers (all were divorced) so had been around the relationship block at least once or twice. Quickest was only a couple weeks with a grandmother I dated but we saw a lot of each other in those couple weeks, basically nearly every day during holiday. Still, that was pretty fast for me but I had learned to go with the flow by then. Snooze, lose. Never met a lady who expressed 'waiting' as part of her style. However, intimacy should respect both party's styles of interaction. Sure, each can bend but not in a way which disrespects their basic values. If it don't flow, let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
BrainMangler Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 A month or two without sex... you should honestly just be friends with him. Every serious relationship I've had, sex has occurred within the first few dates. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 OP, no you are not odd or weird, if that's your style I'd say stick with it. It's pretty common. Personally, yes I typically do have sex within that timeframe. Kind of the opposite of you, I want to know that we are sexually compatible before spending a lot of time together. I too wouldn't be calling anyone my girlfriend for a while, and certainly have never done so with someone I haven't slept with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 I honestly think sex and sexual attraction is a huge part of a relationship for a man. I don't know many who will wait two months to have it, simply because it is an important factor to the strength of the relationship. If you think about it, though, if you even wait to have sex until date three, and your dates are all about a week apart, that's waiting almost a month, which is just about right. I dunno. I don't think it's so strange. Yeah, players or men who just want NSA sex will want to get you into bed as quickly as possible, but a lot of earnest, relationship-minded men want to get laid, too. I think it takes a certain kind of guy to be OK with waiting that long. In your case, it'd behoove you to try and seek those kinds of guys out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BrainMangler Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Well I would lean more conservative as well but you also have to look at it from the perspective of a guy. We always have to look out for girls who are just looking for attention and are generally wasting time (not looking for anything physical). Waiting two months for sex is a bit excessive (in my opinion). Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 I'm with you on waiting... After three dates, you don't even know the person. I can't imagine having sex with someone I barely know. I definitely need to feel more comfortable with him and secure in the relationship before we take that step. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LeslieWalsh Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Yeah, I've done the deed on the 2nd date. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Your view and stance are pretty common. Stay true to what feels right to you. I've used OLD, and I haven't had difficulty finding guys who respect my perspective and wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Yeah, I don't get the 3 date rule or any number attached to it at all. It's different for different people. If some player tells you that you missed out on an opportunity to keep a woman around for the long haul because you didn't "make a move" on her in X amount of times, then that woman doesn't have the patience to wait it out either. Some people CLAIM there's a window of opportunity in which to initiate sex with a woman in X amount of dates, and if she puts you in the friendzone because of it, then she's really just shooting herself in the foot. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BikerAccnt Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 IT depends on the woman, situation, and I'm sure to an extent, your ages. I've waited over 2 months before, especially if I really like the woman, and forsee a future with her. Now, I've let her know in no uncertain terms I'm interested in sex with her ( I think if I'd shown no interest that would say something itself) but, have also acknowledged her feelings about it and held off until she was ready. I'm older also, and I think it's a bit easier to relegate sex to a side (not back) burner for a time as we get to know one another. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 I think there is such a thing as too slow, not just when it comes to sex, but when it comes to the relationship as a whole. Seeing each other once a week and not knowing for a couple of months if you actually want to date the person just sounds so meh to me. I think if you are actually interested in someone you'd want to spend time with them, and know pretty quickly whether you want to be exclusive or not. Seeing a future with someone is further down the road... I don't think you can jump steps like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SwordofFlame Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 All of my relationships that went anywhere, we had sex by the third date. While I don't subscribe to a strict three date rule, for some reason when it's gone longer than that one of us loses interest not long after. Link to post Share on other sites
HeatherHan Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 (edited) I've always been the type of girl to wait before sleeping with someone, me and my last boyfriend waited 6 months, but I'm back on the dating scene and kind of don't want to wait but didn't want to give off the impression of being slutty or whatever. I read a book recently called 'how to be desirable' or something along those lines, there's a short chapter on this exact topic and it kind of made me feel better about not wanting to wait that long. Would recommend giving it a little read. I found it on the kindle store, don't know if it has a paperback version, here's the link to make it easier to find. [] Edited June 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redacted url ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 It varies. Personally if I do not want to get into their underwear then they will not get past date one. If its gone a month with no sex you are heading out the door... Then I am a person highly driven by sex. Others are less so and will wait longer. Each to their own. Just do what you feel comfortable with. After all if it is important that you wait then the person who matches you will also think it is important to wait. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fuerza Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 I can understand your point of view! On the other hand though, if the moment comes, things get heated you both want to have sex really bad are you going to stop it because you haven't reached the 1 month mark? I guess my point is, that having sex too soon isn't good (if you want exclusivity) but having sex too late isn't good either. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 (edited) Maybe I am weird, but franky when I am so attracted to a guy ... such that I want to continue dating him, there is no way on God's green earth *I* could wait two months! Or even one month! OP are you sexually attracted to him? Is there sexual chemistry? I have never understood this *waiting* one or two months thing. When there is a strong attraction and mutual chemistry, then things just click, there is an immediate comfort level, you feel like you have known each other forever. Perhaps it is best you remain friends..... sounds like something is missing -- romantic and sexual chemistry. Edited June 20, 2016 by katiegrl 4 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Let's differentiate between sexual attraction/desire and the actual act of sex. If I were on the dating market, I would need to see and feel some definite signs of attraction within the first several dates, otherwise like has been mentioned before, it would just be hitting a movie or something with a buddy. There would need to be some mutual attraction and desire, but that doesn't mean that we would have to do the actual deed yet. (and conversely, just because people do the physical act, still doesn't mean that there is much in the way of actual chemistry, but that is a whole other topic) I am ok with developing trust and rapport and developing a relationship, but the attraction and chemistry has to be there and in my experience and the reported experiences of many others, if there isn't something there within a handful of dates, it's not likely going to be there after any more so why continue? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 If you want to have a time period of getting to know someone before sex is your prerogative. BUT if that is what you plan on doing, then stop with the heavy makeout seshes. It is unfair to c*&^ tease a horny guy. It's a no brainer guys want sex asap. You don't want to leave a guy all frustrated. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 When I was young, I could wait a month or two for a woman I considered extraordinary. But more than that probably meant we had different ideas about values, compatibility, and the importance of sex in relationships. Besides, even agreeing to be exclusive means little: if the subsequent sex sucks I'll be moving on soon because of proven sexual incompatibility. Having been through some sexual relationships, I would no longer wait very long for a relationship to turn sexual. It would be a red flag of incompatibility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Let's differentiate between sexual attraction/desire and the actual act of sex. If I were on the dating market, I would need to see and feel some definite signs of attraction within the first several dates, otherwise like has been mentioned before, it would just be hitting a movie or something with a buddy. There would need to be some mutual attraction and desire, but that doesn't mean that we would have to do the actual deed yet. (and conversely, just because people do the physical act, still doesn't mean that there is much in the way of actual chemistry, but that is a whole other topic) I am ok with developing trust and rapport and developing a relationship, but the attraction and chemistry has to be there and in my experience and the reported experiences of many others, if there isn't something there within a handful of dates, it's not likely going to be there after any more so why continue? I agree, a few *weeks* of regularly seeing each other, in different environments, interacting alone and with others, open and honest communique, physical affection (kissing, touching, holding hands) is enough for me... Attraction and chemistry is there from the get go.. I suppose some folks need longer, just seems odd to me personally tis all... Different strokes. Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 As a guy, i'm trying hard to "seal the deal" by the 3rd date, first or second real date, probably not actively TRYING, but if it happens, sure... I'm making definite moves on the 3rd date unless something goes wrong, and if she is not showing interest, I will give it one more date, then i'm likely out the door. If you want to have a time period of getting to know someone before sex is your prerogative. BUT if that is what you plan on doing, then stop with the heavy makeout seshes. It is unfair to c*&^ tease a horny guy. It's a no brainer guys want sex asap. You don't want to leave a guy all frustrated. Exactly that, why would you get a guy all horned up and ready to go only to slam the door in his face?? How old are you? This seems like something middle school girls did Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 How we handle sex changes as we evolve as a person (as a woman). Right now if you feel you need to date for 2 months then that's what you need to do. In 5 years or 10 years you may handle it differently. The important is that you stay true to your own boundaries. I have always been quick to jump in bed while dating. I like it, I want it, so I get it. I personally do not feel the need to 'know' someone to get it on. I know myself, I know if a guy does not call back after sex on 2nd date I won't make a big deal out of it. If it would be a big deal to you then do-not-do-it. There is no right or wrong answer. If you see a guy for 3 dates and he is trying to escalate it to sex then tell him you'd like to date 1-2 months first. Show your colors early. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 I've personally never understood how anyone could get naked and jump into bed with a complete stranger. So, I don't think you are strange for wanting to get to know a guy for a month or two before doing that. I always waited. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 I've personally never understood how anyone could get naked and jump into bed with a complete stranger. So, I don't think you are strange for wanting to get to know a guy for a month or two before doing that. I always waited. A complex stranger? I can't understand that either! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts