Do people really have sex within the first 5 dates?!

[katiegrl]

This isn't about me. I was just using myself as an example of withholding information from the other person. It is a slippery slope. I don't see withholding a medical condition as much different. To be clear, I don't withhold this information when I'm looking for a relationship. I will withhold it when looking for a ONS though.

 

Yeah I guess I am not getting why it needs withholding at all....

 

You are Indian, so what?

 

I am Lithuanian ... rather proud of that actually.

 

Whatever....

[Emilia]

Yeah I guess I am not getting why it needs withholding at all....

You are Indian, so what?

 

I am Lithuanian ... rather proud of that actually.

 

Whatever....

Someone's ethnicity makes a huge difference because it's a reflection of the value system they were brought up in. I think it's very fair if some people only want to date within what they know, they can't be faulted for that.

[katiegrl]

Someone's ethnicity makes a huge difference because it's a reflection of the value system they were brought up in. I think it's very fair if some people only want to date within what they know, they can't be faulted for that.

 

Fair enough. Thanks.

 

I wasn't raised to believe that way.... so perhaps that is the disconnect.

 

I was raised not to judge a person based on ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation etc.

 

Judge them based on who they are as individuals....

[Emilia]

Fair enough. Thanks.

 

I wasn't raised to believe that way.... so perhaps that is the disconnect.

I'm guessing you were raised in a homogeneous society or a small town. I've lived in London over the past 23 years on/off and dated men from several ethnicities so I'm speaking from experience.

 

It takes years to get to know someone as an individual, some people don't want to take that risk and they want to stick to what they know. They have the right to.

[Shining One]

Fair enough. Thanks.

 

I wasn't raised to believe that way.... so perhaps that is the disconnect.

 

I was raised not to judge a person based on ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation etc.

 

Judge them based on who they are as individuals....

In this area, most women are not so open-minded. Over 60% of the profiles I looked at on Match would not date Indian men.

[Emilia]

In this area, most women are not so open-minded. Over 60% of the profiles I looked at on Match would not date Indian men.

Most women date within their own ethnicity. However, I think in general OLD is much worse for something like this, in real life you can get to know someone slowly and stop caring about certain things. Online, it's impersonal and the main thing you have to go by is stereotypes.

[katiegrl]

I'm guessing you were raised in a homogeneous society or a small town. I've lived in London over the past 23 years on/off and dated men from several ethnicities so I'm speaking from experience.

 

It takes years to get to know someone as an individual, some people don't want to take that risk and they want to stick to what they know. They have the right to.

 

I was raised in New York. Yes a small town about 20 miles north of New York City. My parent were Lithuanian immigrants.

 

I realize it takes years to truly get to know someone, if ever, but in all honesty, I couldn't give a rat's rear end what ethnicity a man, or anyone is.

 

Just because someone is a certain ethnicity, that does not necessary mean that person adheres to those particular beliefs.

 

Get to know the person.... it doesn't take years to know basic fundamentals about how they feel about relationships and life in general.

 

Yes people have the right to do and feel whatever they want.... and I also have the right to believe it is wrong.... it's a form of prejudice IMO especially if their judgment of such person is negative.... before getting to know what that person's particular beliefs are.

[Shining One]

OP, I apologize for the thread derail. It was not intended. I just wanted you to think carefully about the idea of withholding your medical situation until the other person is invested. Would you be okay with someone withholding information from you until you were invested? I don't know what the right answer is, but it's definitely something to think carefully about.

[kalika]

I wish everyone felt that way.

 

I am Indian also, and a lot of guys wouldn't even look twice at me because they want to marry blond/blue eyed. It's just the way it is. Or they have assumptions about me that are completely untrue... that I must have super strict parents, or an arranged marriage, or whatever.. I don't even know what people think.

 

But I remember being kind of shocked back in college when a good guy friend of mine told me he would never consider dating a black girl. It was one of those moments when I suddenly realized, just because of my skin color a lot of guys wouldn't want me. Call me naive, but it's true. Everyone wants American Apple Pie or something..

[kalika]

OP, I apologize for the thread derail. It was not intended. I just wanted you to think carefully about the idea of withholding your medical situation until the other person is invested. Would you be okay with someone withholding information from you until you were invested? I don't know what the right answer is, but it's definitely something to think carefully about.

 

I think I should hold off, at least until a few weeks of dating. I rushed this one, I shouldn't have and it was a mistake. My medical condition is deeply personal and very difficult to talk about too. I'd rather just be really close with the person first.

 

I guess I'm not sure how many guys would be willing to wait for me to get comfortable with them, though.

[Emilia]

I was raised in New York. Yes a small town about 20 miles north of New York City. My parent were Lithuanian immigrants.

 

I realize it takes years to truly get to know someone, if ever, but in all honesty, I couldn't give a rat's rear end what ethnicity a man, or anyone is.

 

Just because someone is a certain ethnicity, that does not necessary mean that person adheres to those particular beliefs.

 

Get to know the person.... it doesn't take years to know basic fundamentals about how they feel about relationships and life in general.

 

Yes people have the right to do and feel whatever they want.... and I also have the right to believe it is wrong.... it's a form of prejudice IMO especially if their judgment of such person is negative.... before getting to know what that person's particular beliefs are.

Of course it does, I think you need to get a bit more life experience where you are exposed to different communities, especially romantically.

 

People differ to a degree but you will generally have a more conservative and rigid upbringing in India than in the West. That doesn't mean you can't like an Indian guy but to walk into a relationship without expecting cultural differences is at best naive. Some people don't want to deal with that, they are smart to anticipate it IMO.

 

You described yourself saying you were from Lithuania in a previous post and I was surprised because you always come across American, Eastern European women are very different from the way you seem to be here on LS. I know this because I'm Eastern European myself. You are in fact American, you come across nothing like a Lithuanian would, that's because you aren't.

 

And that's because cultural differences are a very real thing.

[katiegrl]

Of course it does, I think you need to get a bit more life experience where you are exposed to different communities, especially romantically.

 

 

Well... I worked and lived in New York City for seven years, taken two cross-country road trips to CA, currently live in southern Cali.... I lived in Greece (Athens and on the island of Crete) for one year, traveled extensively through Europe for another year. And have been to South America.

 

My first boyfriend was Irish, second generation, my second Italian, second generation.... and my recent ex was Swedish first generation.

 

In between I have dated men from Greece, UK, Germany and Latino... among many others

 

So I have plenty of life experience including romantically... but appreciate the advice.

Edited June 22, 2016 by katiegrl

[Jabron1]

But I remember being kind of shocked back in college when a good guy friend of mine told me he would never consider dating a black girl. It was one of those moments when I suddenly realized, just because of my skin color a lot of guys wouldn't want me. Call me naive, but it's true. Everyone wants American Apple Pie or something..

 

This isn't set in stone.

 

I couldn't see myself going out with a black girl when I was a kid. Then I did, and now I can't even remember why I didn't

 

To be taken with a grain of salt, love. Don't let it effect your confidence

[Robert]

Folks,

 

The topic is, "Do people really have sex within the first 5 dates?!"

 

Please stick to the topic.

 

Thanks,

~6

[Gaeta]

I think I should hold off, at least until a few weeks of dating. I rushed this one, I shouldn't have and it was a mistake. My medical condition is deeply personal and very difficult to talk about too. I'd rather just be really close with the person first.

 

I guess I'm not sure how many guys would be willing to wait for me to get comfortable with them, though.

 

I don't know what your medical condition is but if it's not contagious then you do not need to disclose it before exclusivity.

[BluEyeL]

I only read the first page and I see on this last one it deviated to race and ethnicity. I"m Eastern European born if that matter, I moved to the US at age 27, and I always wait for intimacy to build up before having sex. Sex for me comes after the relationship is established, I don't have sex with strangers and a man I've met once or twice is a stranger to me.

 

With my first husband I waited 1 year.

With my current fiancee, after a divorce and as a single mom in my 40s, 3 months.

 

I haven't had a problem with men not waiting. I've never been to a man's place at the 3rd date. Public dates, once you are at his place or in any way alone in a home or hotel room, be ready to have sex.

[andie1969]

I don't know what your medical condition is but if it's not contagious then you do not need to disclose it before exclusivity.

 

I disagree. If it is something that would affect activities, etc. I would want to know before pursuing a relationship. For example, I would want to know if the person I'm dating is able to go on long hikes with me, does the condition require treatments, etc. I'm not saying I wouldn't want to be with a person who had some kind of condition, but I would want to be informed before taking things further. However, if my potential partner's condition had NO affect on my life at all, then it would be none of my business at first unless said partner wanted to share it with me. JMHO.

[Gaeta]

I disagree. If it is something that would affect activities, etc. I would want to know before pursuing a relationship. For example, I would want to know if the person I'm dating is able to go on long hikes with me, does the condition require treatments, etc. I'm not saying I wouldn't want to be with a person who had some kind of condition, but I would want to be informed before taking things further. However, if my potential partner's condition had NO affect on my life at all, then it would be none of my business at first unless said partner wanted to share it with me. JMHO.

 

That is why this is something you discuss with the exclusivity talk. You are talking about partners here, I am talking about dating. Before deciding if someone is suitable as a partner you date them. You date them 1-2 months then when you speak about dating exclusively you can then tell them you have flat feet.

 

Personally I would not want to hear about his medical record on a 3rd date. It's too much too soon. I think it was rushing of OP to disclose something this personal on their 3rd date. Majority of encounters don't make it past 3rd date. No need to spill her gut at every man she meets. She can wait a little and see who's interested in sticking around more than 3 dates.

[Lady Hamilton]

The medical question is tricky. I'm an advocate/awareness-maker for my particular autoimmune disorder so I'm lucky in that anybody who went on a date with me, unless they were a total random stranger (and that never happened), knew about my particular medical concerns.

 

And I have to say, the whole when do I/should I tell argument has no right or wrong answer and neither side is right or wrong on their choice to share, not share/require being told/don't want to know too early.

 

I always tell people to do it when they're comfortable and don't let somebody deciding to end the relationship reflect anything other than they acknowledge your condition is difficult to manage and they don't have the strength you do in dealing with it.

[graysonfisher14]

Guys,

 

I've been reading a lot of dating threads and it seems pretty common to have sex with the person by date 3, 4 or 5 - maybe even sooner - and even before any exclusivity talk.

 

Last night, I went on date #3 with this guy I met online. We see each other once or twice a week so far. Last night was a comedy show, then out for drinks and then back to his place. I admit we got pretty hot but I slowed it down and we didn't have any type of actual sex. But now I'm seriously wondering, am I abnormal to not want to have sex within the first month at least?? I feel like we barely know each other, but we're starting to open up to each other a bit finally.

 

I had mentioned that I don't like to rush, it's a big deal for me to even call someone my "boyfriend". To me, a boyfriend is someone that I actually see a future with, otherwise I won't be dating him or making him my boyfriend .. and I don't want to have sex without exclusivity. He did mention at one point that he doesn't date multiple people, but I'm not interested in taking any chances and either way, I don't know him well enough to feel comfortable being naked and vulnerable in front of him.

 

I really want to get to know him first, and I want him to really get to know me first. I'm not ready for sex and might not be for a month or two, depending on the pace we go and whether we're exclusive or not. Am I delusional or is immediate sex the new normal?? Is it too much to ask him to wait at least a month or so???

 

I've had sex on the first date several times. Generally, if sex didn't occur on the first date, there wasn't a second date. Not saying I require girls to put out early, but that's just been the pattern in my dating history.

[katiegrl]

I've had sex on the first date several times. Generally, if sex didn't occur on the first date, there wasn't a second date. Not saying I require girls to put out early, but that's just been the pattern in my dating history.

 

How many dates have you had? If you're like most people, it's many.... so if you're having sex on that first date.... that's a lot of sex! lol

[preraph]

People have sex whenever they want to have sex. It's different for everyone. Some people cave in to pressure to have sex when they're not ready or even sure they are attracted to a person. Others jump right in because they are at least attracted to the person. I've even heard some of us cynical older experienced women semi-jokingly say "I'm going to have sex before I find out what he's really like and don't want to anymore."

 

It's an individual thing varying widely. Even if you have one person who is not afraid to have sex right away, that person may have some reason to hold off with a particular person either because they don't trust them or aren't sure they like them or aren't sure they're attracted or are unsure of their status or because they just went through a breakup or because their mother is in the hospital.

 

Don't let anyone tell you when is the right time for you. Depends on the situation.

[graysonfisher14]

How many dates have you had? If you're like most people, it's many.... so if you're having sex on that first date.... that's a lot of sex! lol

 

 

Not necessarily. I've probably had sex with 3 people out of 20 dates. I'm just saying if sex was ever a possibility, it happened on the first date.

Edited June 22, 2016 by graysonfisher14

[katiegrl]

Not necessarily. I've probably had sex with 3 people out of 20 dates. I'm just saying if sex was ever a possibility, it happened on the first date.

 

Oh I get it now... thanks for clarifying!

[Shining One]

I'm just saying if sex was ever a possibility, it happened on the first date.

This matches my experience somewhat. In most cases, sex happened early (within first four dates). In all of the cases where the woman insisted on a longer wait time, sex never happened.