Do people really have sex within the first 5 dates?!

[Gaeta]

Hey guys,

We agreed to talk more about it later, not over texts, but part of me is really dreading this talk .. does he even really care anymore? Is he just looking for an excuse to bail? I'm not really sure about his feelings at this point. We were really digging each other before that. He was really excited for me to come over last night. I'm just feeling really confused right now.

 

Yes he cares. If he didn't he would not bother asking you more details about your situation. Men that want to bail just do that. Believe me. As someone carrying hsv I can assure you each man that took time to ask me about my condition was an interested man.

[katiegrl]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for posting. I did end up getting Plan B. He did also text me today asking how I am. When I responded, he immediately said, "Doing good. I hope this doesn't come off as insensitive but are you on birth control?" I told him that I just took a Plan B and that I don't have anything. He told me that he's not worried about STDs as much as the pregnancy part. I told him I'm not taking any chances on that.

 

I had told him something last night that was deeply personal, and he had told me he was OK with it even though I didn't go into depth to explain it (something medical).. but then after the texts re: the birth control stuff, he texted, "I have some questions about what you showed me yesterday. I don't understand what it is. And how it affects your life. I've never heard of or seen that before. I'm just trying to understand."

 

We agreed to talk more about it later, not over texts, but part of me is really dreading this talk .. does he even really care anymore? Is he just looking for an excuse to bail? I'm not really sure about his feelings at this point. We were really digging each other before that. He was really excited for me to come over last night. I'm just feeling really confused right now.

 

Sweetie if he wanted to bail... he would just bail.

 

I just think that he is having some trouble processing whatever it was you disclosed to him, and as he said, he just wants to understand...

 

Whether he can accept it not, or feel comfortable with it, time will tell.

 

At first I thought he was a bit of a creep, but he seems okay. A bit of a boob for not walking you out, but at least he acknowledged it and apologized.

 

Maybe just talk to him and see how this plays out?

 

It sounds like he cares otherwise he would have just come up with some lame excuse and dumped you over text...

 

But he wants to talk IN PERSON, which to me, sounds very positive!

[kismetkismet]

Don't beat yourself up!! Just be more careful with protection in the future. if he ends up being a dirtbag immediately after sleeping with you, he would have been a dirtbag no matter how long you'd waited. It seems to me like sometimes waiting longer than feels natural - like as a way to intentionally hold out in a manipulative you-must-earn-me sort of way - almost attracts guys that will bail once they sleep with you because they were just after the challenge. That's obviously not a rule.. just something I've seen a number of times.

 

Also, it doesn't even seem to me like he wants to bail. He probably just wants to get to know you better and understand what you told him about.

[RecentChange]

The awkwardness might have been him internally FREAKING OUT as well - he just had unprotected sex with someone with out first discussing birth control / pro-life stance etc.

 

While YOU knew that it was a mistake and that you would go get Plan B, he was left wondering if he is going to have child support payments for the next 18 years. Personally that would make me a bit absent minded and nervous.

 

So, this is a lesson eh? I am not on birth control either, and that's why I have an adult conversation before sex. Condoms are MANDATORY (no opps, no heat of the moment - we have talked about it and its clear), and I let them know under no circumstance am I carrying a pregnancy. So, they have to be on board with those choices before we get busy!

[katiegrl]

Well on a positive note, he must have really enjoyed having sex with you as you guys did it three times!!

 

And he called afterwards and wants to see you!

 

Think positively!

[BlueIris]

It’s a positive note only if she wants to keep seeing him.

 

If I were in her shoes, the jury would still be out for me and I'd recenter for a bit. So many fish in the sea.

[kalika]

Hey guys,

 

Just to clarify - he didn't say anything about "in person" ... just that we'd talk later. I dunno, I still feel awkward about the whole thing. I can't shake it. Jury's still out for me! I'm not sure that his interest level is the same, especially after he just tossed me out last night, although he did it nicely. I'm going to see how interested he is, let him pursue for a while and if not, I'll just leave him alone. I don't want to chase someone that doesn't want to be chased.

[katiegrl]

Hey guys,

 

Just to clarify - he didn't say anything about "in person" ... just that we'd talk later. I dunno, I still feel awkward about the whole thing. I can't shake it. Jury's still out for me! I'm not sure that his interest level is the same, especially after he just tossed me out last night, although he did it nicely. I'm going to see how interested he is, let him pursue for a while and if not, I'll just leave him alone. I don't want to chase someone that doesn't want to be chased.

 

Wait a sec.... he tossed you out after sex! I just thought he didn't walk you to your car when you were ready to leave...

 

Will have to go back and re-read your update again... looks like I missed that.

 

That is lousy and yeah I would be rethinking this too....

[katiegrl]

 

So I went to his place tonight. Was pretty unplanned/last minute decision. We slept together THREE TIMES. The sex was great, but it felt weird at the end, like he wasn't as affectionate and just wanted me to leave.

 

Missed this earlier... my bad. Yeah that's pretty crappy.

[Gaeta]

Missed this earlier... my bad. Yeah that's pretty crappy.

 

He panicked because was afraid he got her pregnant.

[BlueIris]

He panicked because was afraid he got her pregnant.

 

Maybe. Maybe not.

 

We can't know what is going on in another person's head and making assumptions can go bad fast.

[Gaeta]

Maybe. Maybe not.

 

We can't know what is going on in another person's head and making assumptions can go bad fast.

 

Her post #73 he admitted he got scared he got her pregnant so it's not totally assuming to think he pushed her out the door for that reason.

[katiegrl]

He panicked because was afraid he got her pregnant.

 

So he throws her out?

 

And doesn't even walk her to her car?

 

I dunno, you must have a higher tolerance for crap behavior than I have, cuz I still think that's pretty crappy, panicked or not.

 

Perhaps the guys can weigh in.... guys if you thought there was a chance you got a chick you just had sex with pregnant (because you didn't use protection), would you toss her out immediately after sex?

[Gaeta]

So he throws her out?

 

And doesn't even walk her to her car?

 

I dunno, you must have a higher tolerance for crap behavior than I have, cuz I still think that's pretty crappy, panicked or not.

 

Perhaps the guys can weigh in.... guys if you thought you got a chick you just had sex with pregnant, would you toss her out immediately after sex?

 

I had men run out after condom broke. Yes some men panic. Then they were evasive THEN after a while they came back and apologized and explained they got scared. It did not end up the relationship of my dream but it does happen men panic especially young men.

[kalika]

I think he was panicked because it was the first thing on his mind when he texted me earlier today. His first question other than "how are you" was "are you on birth control".

 

I think he did panic a bit, which I understand but I still wish he would have at least talked to me about it right then and there, and walked me out. The other time I came over, he didn't walk me out either, but he did ask and I told him it was unnecessary so he didn't. I'm regretting that and I think he should have walked me out instead of being lazy about it. It's just respectful.

[BlueIris]

Gaeta, you can’t possibly know what he was thinking when she left. The fact that he asked about that later (along with other things) proves nothing.

 

Also, even if it were true, that’s the way to act for an adult?

 

It looks to me as though you want OP to excuse and accept behavior instead of still keeping her mind open and honoring the gut feeling she had.

 

It’s just data and discounting or discarding data is how people get into abusive relationships or end up shocked months down the road because they ignored things (to do some more speculating).

[joseb]

While YOU knew that it was a mistake and that you would go get Plan B, he was left wondering if he is going to have child support payments for the next 18 years. Personally that would make me a bit absent minded and nervous.

 

Yip, that's exactly what would be going through my head.

I would be in an internal state of panic, so maybe him not walking you out is just due to that.

When you say he threw you out, did he say "you need to leave now" or similar?

[kalika]

I understand what you're saying, Blue. But I also get where Gaeta is coming from. I honestly DO think he panicked. That is what my gut is telling me. I don't know if, in his panic, he is now questioning whether his feelings for me are as strong as they once were.. or if he has lost respect for me.

 

In the meantime, I have lost a little bit of respect for him because of the way he has handled this so far.

 

And when we talk later about my medical issues, my gut (or maybe it's my insecurity??) is telling me that he is probably asking about it in order to determine whether he wants to pursue something with me, NOT to actually get to know me better because he cares. This really could be insecurity talking, but I just have a bad feeling. Like I said, he wasn't as affectionate with me last night as he usually is.

 

All I know is, I'm feeling terribly insecure right now and I don't like it at all. Either way, I want it resolved ASAP. I'm hoping he calls me tonight so we can talk about it.

[katiegrl]

I had men run out after condom broke. Yes some men panic. Then they were evasive THEN after a while they came back and apologized and explained they got scared. It did not end up the relationship of my dream but it does happen men panic especially young men.

 

Maybe they left for other reasons, then when they got horny again, contacted you and used the broken condom as an excuse.... I mean they had to come with something plausible..

 

I dunno you could be right, it just sounds strange to me especially if he is into her...has feelings for her.

 

I recall the condom broke relatively early on with my ex, there was no way he would have just left or tossed me out.

 

And yeah he got pretty panicked there too, so did I!

[kalika]

This all has me rethinking whether I can handle dating and opening up to people This is the WORST... especially coming out of a 5.5 year relationship where I was very comfortable.

[BlueIris]

This all has me rethinking whether I can handle dating and opening up to people This is the WORST... especially coming out of a 5.5 year relationship where I was very comfortable.

 

Of course you can. Trust yourself, OP. Stick with what you know and don't feel you have to make unalterable decisions, because you don't.

 

It's just dating. Take your time.

[katiegrl]

Of course you can. Trust yourself, OP. Stick with what you know and don't feel you have to make unalterable decisions, because you don't.

 

It's just dating. Take your time.

 

Agree with Blue.... you're a strong girl remember? No matter what happens, you will survive and become even stronger for it.

 

What's that saying, that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger? I truly believe that.

 

You took a risk, and it didn't pan out the way you hoped. Oh well, next.

 

Right?

[kalika]

When you say he threw you out, did he say "you need to leave now" or similar?

No nothing like that, he just said that he really should go to bed and then started to get up as I did.. and then he just wasn't as affectionate as I was leaving. He seemed a bit distant.

 

I understand his fears though, especially with me.. I'm a single mom that had a child young out of wedlock (at 20) and accidentally got pregnant.. so I'm not sure he's totally trusting me that I'm going to take care of it. Unlike him though, I actually KNOW what it means to have a child when you're not ready, so I'm definitely not going to let a pregnancy happen.

 

 

Of course you can. Trust yourself, OP. Stick with what you know and don't feel you have to make unalterable decisions, because you don't.

 

It's just dating. Take your time.

Agree with Blue.... you're a strong girl remember? No matter what happens, you will survive and become even stronger for it.

 

What's that saying, that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger? I truly believe that.

 

You took a risk, and it didn't pan out the way you hoped. Oh well, next.

 

Right?

Thank you both for your kind words, it means a lot to me. This is just really tough. I don't even like most guys I meet, or want to date them. It's hard to find one I actually like, and then this happens. I am mad at myself, this isn't the first time I have screwed up. I will get over it. I just don't know how I'll ever meet someone at this rate. I'm 33, and I should already have known better. I'm not young and naive. Oh well. Onward and upward.

[BaileyB]

Women do NOT like men who take it slow despite telling men the opposite.

 

This woman likes men who take it show and is currently dating "an average guy with a gut who has great character"... I can't even begin to tell you how much I disagree with your generalizations and accusations.

 

Wishing you the best Kalika.

[Lady Hamilton]

^ Please don't pretend to speak for all women. Ick.

 

OP, take it one step at a time.

 

Ho early, when he asked you to leave, the first thing that came to my mind was that, with no more condoms around, he wanted the temptation of sex gone. And when you declined being walked to your car, he probably assumed the same held true this time. He's a guy, not a mind reader, so I wouldn't hold that against him.

 

The fact that you have one child via accidental pregnancy probably has him spooked. There are women who make a career out of "accidents" and it's every guy's worst fear, so I'm following here where his mind is.

 

If he wanted to bail, he would have. But he talked to you the next day and wants to dig into your medical issues. That's not a bad sign. Just take it as it comes and go from there.

 

Don't be so hell bent on not getting hurt that you ice off a guy who just angles relationship transitions awkwardly. I get not wanting to be hurt, but I feel like you're chucking the baby out with the bath water.