audriabella Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Hi, Me and my boyfriend has been in a relationship for 2 years now, and we are ready to get married. His parents are happy and supportive while my parents disagree 100% due to the following reason: 1. He is younger than me ( I am 31 and he is 27). They think that having a younger spouse means he is childish and therefore not a good spouse. 2. He is from a different race, and they think it is humiliating that I marry someone from a different race. 3. He earns less than me. They believe guys has to be 100% financially responsible for their spouse. I have explained I'm fine with combined income. We are both working, and if we combine our income, we are good financially. 4. His parents are not wealthy enough. My parents think it's a loss on my end if someday we need to help his parents financially. We have tried talking to my parents. My bf has met with my parents twice now, but my parents refuse to accept us as a couple, let alone give their blessing. I am torn now...breaking up is not an option, but how to get married without my parents blessing ? Any advice / thought would be appreciated. Has someone gone through this before ? Thanks ! Link to post Share on other sites
chatter Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Well my X's family hated me and I decided that I refused to be apart of the toxic nature. If you cant be happy then get out of the way and stay there. This should be a time of celebration! Pure happiness and these people are standing in your way with their inability to get over themselves. Theyre not getting what they want for their child but you cant help who you fall in love with. If this is a healthy relationship then his age shouldn't matter as he should be reasonably mature at 27. My X's family really took a lot of our happiness away with their toxicity. Dont let them take one more minute from you and I think its best to let it be known that they have a choice. They can keep their opinions locked away and choose to celebrate the coming relation and be happy that their daughter is happy! Or there's the door and don't let it hit you on the way out. I'm starting to notice that parental entitlement towards their adult children is a huge issue. If they're not happy with your choice guess what its your life and as long as hes not hurting you and yal are happy together let the love commence because we need more love in this world! Lay the boundaries now because its not fair to your significant for your parents to be ugly to someone that you love. If they cross the line then there will be consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 You are an adult. How to get married without your parents blessing? You arrange the ceremony and get married. That's how. If you're not ready to stand up to your parents, you aren't ready to get married. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Fuerza Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 You are an adult. How to get married without your parents blessing? You arrange the ceremony and get married. That's how. If you're not ready to stand up to your parents, you aren't ready to get married. Not exactly an option when you're from a non-western culture, she might risk losing her parents. This is a difficult one, try to put your foot down and tell them that these are all superficial reasons for them not giving their blessing. Make sure you assure your parents that your husband is a good man with his heart in the right place etc. I don't know if you're indian/paki but the whole him earning less money can be a difficult problem in this culture I've experienced from friends. Besides your parents, please make sure that you 100% are sure of him and are standing behind this marriage. Do you have any doubts? Anything you agree on with your parents? Link to post Share on other sites
Author audriabella Posted June 20, 2016 Author Share Posted June 20, 2016 Thanks for your comment. You are right, I come from Asia but I spent a lot of my adult time overseas, hence I have a western culture mindset but that being said, it's hard to just ignore my parents views and culture. I am 100% sure on him. I have met his family, and they are lovely and accepting. Our friends are also very supportive of our relationship, its only my family that is the only person that is totally against it. I agree with my parents that financially we won't be living a wealthy life but enough to pay our mortgage and probably have a holiday once a year. I believe that money is not a number one priority. As long as my partner is hard working, loving and caring, we can work on the money issues together. For me, it's finding the right person, a lifetime friend and partner that is most important. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Thanks for your comment. You are right, I come from Asia but I spent a lot of my adult time overseas, hence I have a western culture mindset but that being said, it's hard to just ignore my parents views and culture. I am 100% sure on him. I have met his family, and they are lovely and accepting. Our friends are also very supportive of our relationship, its only my family that is the only person that is totally against it. I agree with my parents that financially we won't be living a wealthy life but enough to pay our mortgage and probably have a holiday once a year. I believe that money is not a number one priority. As long as my partner is hard working, loving and caring, we can work on the money issues together. For me, it's finding the right person, a lifetime friend and partner that is most important. I know what it's like to have parents from another culture who won't accept that Western ways are prevalent now. My guess is that your parents may disown you for a little while but once they see that you are not budging and you are happy in your marriage, they will likely come around because they will miss you too much. Sometimes it's the birth of a grandchild that becomes an olive branch as well; I'm not sure if you want to have children or not. This will be your first lesson in living to please yourself rather than your parents. I know you want to show them respect but you cannot allow them to dictate which partner you choose for life. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 Hi, Me and my boyfriend has been in a relationship for 2 years now, and we are ready to get married. His parents are happy and supportive while my parents disagree 100% due to the following reason: 1. He is younger than me ( I am 31 and he is 27). They think that having a younger spouse means he is childish and therefore not a good spouse. 2. He is from a different race, and they think it is humiliating that I marry someone from a different race. 3. He earns less than me. They believe guys has to be 100% financially responsible for their spouse. I have explained I'm fine with combined income. We are both working, and if we combine our income, we are good financially. 4. His parents are not wealthy enough. My parents think it's a loss on my end if someday we need to help his parents financially. We have tried talking to my parents. My bf has met with my parents twice now, but my parents refuse to accept us as a couple, let alone give their blessing. I am torn now...breaking up is not an option, but how to get married without my parents blessing ? Any advice / thought would be appreciated. Has someone gone through this before ? Thanks ! Your parents reasoning is absurd. It is up to you as an adult to draw the line somewhere. While it is nice to have your parents' blessing and all, at the end of the day, they cannot live your life and make your decisions for you and if they have racist or other problematic ideas, you are not at all required to go along with their ideas. I would advise you to find a way to make some boundaries where you express that you love and care for them but find their ideas unpalatable and are going to make a decision for yourself that you hope they will respect. They have the choice then to go along with it, even if they hate it, OR you can give them the power to control your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 Not exactly an option when you're from a non-western culture, she might risk losing her parents. Actually, yes, it is an option. This is a choice. Adulthood is full of hard choices. In this case, the choice is between OP's parents and her fiance. If she chooses her fiance, her parents may disown her. If she chooses her parents, she may never find another love like this. It's a tough choice, but still a choice. I seem to remember something in the bible about leaving parents and cleaving to a spouse, so I say marry the man and your parents will either come around or they won't. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Your parents are racist and classist. Do what you think is right. They will get over it, or they wont. I wouldnt care. You are 31 years old, don't let your parents dictate anything to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author audriabella Posted August 18, 2016 Author Share Posted August 18, 2016 Thanks everyone...your views has been really encouraging as I am torn to choose between my happiness or everyone else's happiness (my family's). I have been trying to put off makin the decision to set a date for my wedding because I was hoping that they'll come around eventually, buy its been over 2 years and not much has changed. I cannot wait forever for them. I want to have kids and start a family. It's such a painful decision to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 forever for them. I want to have kids and start a family. It's such a painful decision to make. I'd guess if you'd make the right decision for you, they'll eventually come around. And when you start having their grandkids, won't be able to keep them away ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 Unless your BF has a secret life as a thug or doing something underhanded. Then I think its moot point. At 31. You are going to have to break away from your family on this position. Your parents have lived their lives. Unless they can put you with someone better. They should let you live your life. It makes your parents advisarial to you. If you want to go one year and delay your marriage and have more social time with your parents/fiance together to have them gell more. Then thats an option before taking the plunge. Link to post Share on other sites
anduina Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 From what I know about Asian culture, it's an outside inward viewing culture with focus on family. Society gives your family standing so you must behave and dress in a manner that elevates the family standing. Lots of materialism. This is what you were raised with. Are you ready to break away? It sounds like it since you believe that money isn't everything. Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 Ultimately, you have to make the choice for your own happiness. If your parents value your well-being, and they see over time that you are happy and successful in your relationship, do you think they will come around? My age gap with my boyfriend is double yours (I'm older). At first, I'm sure my dad thought I was insane, and I could understand a lot of his concerns from a logical perspective... Now my boyfriend is going into the medical field, did grad work as an undergrad, is getting research published in peer reviewed journals, has a Dr. who will recommend him to medical school (or whichever Phd avenue he chooses)... At first, my dad never asked about him much, and I'd just state all the positive things my man is up to. Now he and my dad get along great, they chat, life is good. At the beginning, I'm sure my dad didn't want me wasting my time with some crazy younger guy with no direction in life. But he sees that we're happy together, that my boyfriend helps me out, and that he has a stellar work ethic that's going to bring huge success, no matter what he does... I was also in a pickle with my boyfriend's mom originally. He's her only child and she's very protective of him. We didn't meet for a long time, and when we did, my boyfriend told her I was six years younger than I actually am. *MY BOYFRIEND DID NOT WARN ME OF THAT DETAIL* It finally all came out in a terribly awkward moment at a funeral, I cried and told her I was older, how I never wanted to lie and just wanted her to meet me once... and she was totally cool. Same thing. Before my boyfriend and I were living together, he was living with a bunch of idiots shooting heroin and selling drugs in the house. He's safe, pursuing success with me, and I'm not pushing him into anything he doesn't want to do or isn't ready for... Whether our parents were for it or not, we absolutely have to be together! We know it's great and we lift each other up. We knew we both really were good for each other and just prayed over time everyone else would catch on to that. They did. It took a LOT of time and patience (and a bit of initial scorn from my dad) though. We both want to get married, but aren't bringing that up with any of the family until after he's done with school, because there would be no point in doing it before he's finished. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 Have a friend that had the same problem. His fiance was native American and his family wasn't happy. Yeah they were sort of racist people and to them white was the only race to them. When they found out they were getting married they raised all kinds of hell with him and finally he said that if you can't accept her for who she is then you can't accept me so don't come to the wedding because I wont miss you. Year later they were at his wedding. They swallowed their ignorance and went but he still keeps his distance and it's a shame because he really found a good woman and she's a great mom too. Link to post Share on other sites
eightytwenty Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 It really bothers me that people are still so racists in all colors. My ex husband was Mexican, his mother hated HATED me because I was white. My family accepted him just fine, but man I'll tell you his mother was a piece of work. Now for me, money is now a big thing to me. Not for materialism but for knowing he wants to be something in life, have enough for later years. Being divorced because my ex decided after we married he wanted to work for himself, after 2 years he did NOT make more than a couple hundred dollars. He was waiting for that silver spoon to pop in his mouth. When you say you'll work on the money part, the direction that's heading. With both incomes: Is it going to be enough to raise children? Is it going to give y'all the house you need/want? Things to put into thought and really consider them. My income supported 2 adults (him and his friend that showed up) 6 horses, and a few dogs. I choose my new partner with my past mistakes in mind. Not saying to get rid of the fiancé but maybe see what his goals are, and if they aren't up to par maybe y'all both need to switch things up, I dunno. What I would do (and I live in the US), if y'all truly are ready. Get engaged, send wedding invites, and tell them you need to support us or stay out of my life. You have a new family that you need to put first, not the family that isn't accepting him because of cultural differences. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 I am familiar with Asian cultures. At 31 and a female your parents know you are past the age an Asian man would be interested in you as a wife. Tell them If you don't marry this man chances are you will never marry, I think in your culture that would be an even bigger dishonor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 That is horribly old fashioned and unfair, they should want you to be happy and loved. This isn't a business arrangement or something for them to brag about to their friends, this is the relationship you will have for hopefully the rest of your life. Emotional support is so much more important than financial! The financial and age expectations where the man has to be the provider and protector come from a time when women did not have the same rights and freedom we have now. Before there weren't even jobs for women beyond being a secretary or stewardess and those expectations come from a world where women's place is in the kitchen. Not that there is anything wrong with being a stay at home mother if that's what you choose, but YOU are the one that gets to choose now. My boyfriend is a year and a half younger than me and makes a bit less money. He does all of the cooking and most of the cleaning (he likes to) while i'm in school and work a lot of OT. In the near future he is opening an eatery and then I will probably take more care of the house than he. We have agreed that when we have kids whoever is making more money will continue to work while the other stays home or works part-time until the kids are ready to go to school or daycare. Try to explain to your parents that you love them, but that you are the one that gets to decide how your life pans out. Ask them if they would prefer you were in a loveless marriage where the man provided for you financially but not emotionally, when you can provide for yourself financially already if need be. Link to post Share on other sites
pedro499 Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 Your origins are discriminatory and classist. Do what you consider is best. They will grow up it, or both won't. I wouldn't consider. You are 31 years old, don't make your origins deliver something to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts