Disappointed but not surprised by a friend.

[HokeyReligions]

A few weeks ago, maybe a couple of months – I don’t remember now with my own family crisis – but a friend of ours was going through a really bad breakup. His partner of 9+ years was leaving and he was falling apart. Being gay he does not have the same support system that many people have and could not say a word at work for fear of losing his job if they knew he was gay.

 

Anyway, there were several times we went over late at night and stayed with him; helped him out financially – he owns his own home (well, some of it – the bank owns the rest) and his ex stuck him for two months rent. It took both of them to afford to live there. Our friend bought the house before and has always had roommates to help with the bills.

 

Anyway, we didn’t think anything of being there for him – even though it was very exhausting for us. I don’t, and never have, expected anything in return – that is not why we were there for him.

 

While this has been going on (and many of you know about my mother’s terminal condition—she’s home right now because of her depression and her giving up if she went to the nursing home… another story) anyway, during all of this my husband’s anger and self-loathing has been getting worse.

 

He hasn’t been able to work in 10 years & probably never will again, and that has not helped his self-esteem. Since he has ‘reconciled’ with his own mother hubby’s anger and temper have gotten so much worse. He fly’s off the handle and yells all the time. If he doesn’t have something to scream about – he finds something or starts talking about things that are over and done with or are not likely to happen again. I had to force him to leave my mom’s hospital room last week because he was starting on another rage about the care she was receiving. Mom can’t tolerate his anger even though she knows it’s not directed at her.

 

One morning last week he went to move the ironing board and pinched his finger and then threw the board across the room all the while screaming and cursing. Things like this happen on a daily basis now. I’ve noticed it getting worse from the time he began to see his mother again. (He was seriously abused emotionally and physically by this woman). The bright spot is his step-father whom he loves and who loves him. They are a wonderful pair (I can’t understand why this man married hubby’s mother) Hubby does not want to lose the relationship to his step-father. They have actually been able to generate some work and some income for each other. His step-father is a semi-retired engineer who is building a new business.

 

I know this is long – I’m venting, sorry.

 

We brought my mother home from the hospital on Friday night. I asked hubby to call his friend and see if he could spend the weekend over there. I thought it would be good if hubby was out of the house for a weekend even if all he and his friend do is sit around and watch movies or play games. I even scraped up enough money to feed the both of them for the weekend. Hubby needs to de-stress some and I need some peace and quiet too.

 

Hubby called his friend who pretty much blew him off. He is recovering from the breakup and stays busy now. We said it wouldn’t cost him anything and he didn’t have to entertain hubby, just let him stay over there for the weekend. No can do. Friend had things to do with his family and he wanted to do some housework and he needed to do laundry and he came up with a bunch of excuses and that’s fine, I know people don’t like to change their plans or routines. I’m not surprised because his friend was always more of a taker than a giver. It was disappointing though. I’ve been doing everything I can to keep hubby calm. I’ve sent him to a couple of movies (he said Batman was great) and I’ve left him alone and asked nothing of him.

 

Hubby decided to try to fix the Polaris today – it keeps sinking and just needed a new seal – so I had pulled it out of the pool and let it dry out so that hubby wouldn’t have to do that. I was going to fix it but hubby wanted to do it himself and I understand needing to feel like he accomplished something. So, he brought it in, fixed it and then when he went back out to the pool he realized that he had let the hose fall and it had been draining the pool. Not a lot, but some. He began yelling and cussing outside. Then he went into a new rage when he had problems reconnecting the Polaris to the outflow

He was standing on a brick hooking it up and yelling loudly every nasty curse word and phrase he could.

 

He came stomping back into the house and I got the dogs out of his way so he wouldn’t yell at them and asked if he wanted something to drink (not liquor—he doesn’t drink at all, I mean cold water or a soft drink) and he sat on the couch and we didn’t say anything for a while and then he was OK. He’s in his den now doing something on his computer and swearing at it every once in a while.

 

I really needed him out of the house this weekend for all our sakes and I’m disappointed that the friend we went way out of our way for was unwilling to help us. I’m not surprised about it though---it’s what I expected.

 

I’m up and down all day taking care of mom and doing laundry and housework and I’ll fix dinner in a couple of hours. I’m not going to work tomorrow because I have a meeting with mom’s doctor about a procedure to put stints in her legs and also I have to confirm with the nursing home if mom is going to go there tomorrow. We had her at home this weekend to see how she would do (she’s doing well, but I’m here to care for her) and I don’t even know how I feel anymore.

 

I can’t concentrate on anything. I’ve typed up a schedule for medications and meals and I have a clock for mom to set each time she takes her meds so that she gets them when she needs them during the day. She said she was able to do that for herself as long as I have her meals pre-made for her all they need to be is heated up. Hubby said (he volunteered with no prompting from me) that he would check on her during the day and heat up her lunch. I will get up earlier and make sure she has her breakfast and her morning meds and then when I come home I’ll get her evening meds and her supper so all hubby has to do is make sure she has her mid-day meds and lunch. Mom has to be watched though because last night she went to get a scarf to put around her neck and felt so tired that she just got into bed. I went to check on her 10 minutes after she went to bed to make sure she had her meds – she was too tired to walk back to her chair and take them so decided to go to bed without them. The drugs fog her mind so much.

 

Tuesday, hubby’s step-father is going into the hospital to have his pacemaker replaced. Hubby will be at the hospital with his mother waiting so my mom will be home alone all day on Tuesday. I don’t know if I can have confidence that mom will take her mid-day meds and heat up her lunch. She so hates a nursing home that she promises and promises me that she can and will, but I don’t know what to do.

 

Mom’s doctor is worried about mom’s depression too and said that she could live for months yet if she can get out of this depression! The thought of a nursing home was sending her over the edge. She didn’t eat for days because of the depression.

 

I begged for Monday off to care for mom (I said they were doing an in-home evaluation for home care and that we would be taking her to the nursing home on Monday – so that they would give me the day off and not just lay me off) It takes a week or two to schedule the in-home evaluation and another 2 – 3 weeks before in-home care can be set up. Hubby doesn’t want someone in the house when he is not here because he is afraid they will steal from us and he doesn’t want to give anyone a house key.

 

My job contract expired on June 20 and we still have not talked about whether I would go permanent, but the general feeling I get is that No, I will not be offered a job. My boss told me that they can’t hire someone they cannot depend on to be at work and fully focused. I can understand that. Mom was doing OK when I first interviewed and started this job, but she quickly went downhill and I have not always been at my best at work because I’ve been so exhausted. Monday, tomorrow, will be the first day I have taken off. I’ve left a couple hours early, or came in a couple hours late twice because I had to meet with doctors. But even with everything going on with mom and with our friend – I have not missed any time and in fact usually work 45 or more hours a week!

 

I know I’m being taken advantage of there, but without it we have no income and will lose everything. I am the only one to support the family and I’m in no shape to go looking for or starting a new job right now, but I may have to. I’ll worry about that if/when it happens, I have too much else to think about right now.

 

I wish hubby could have gone somewhere for the weekend. I tried to tell him to get a motel room at least for Saturday night and to spend Saturday & Sunday out and about and doing whatever he wanted. He’s been out and about a few times, but he really needed the total break from all of us.

 

I can’t take his outbursts anymore. He’s been to anger management and he’s been in therapy and he knows he has some major problem. He has admitted that he’s full of hate and anger and he doesn’t like that about himself, but is unable to stop himself. He has never raised a hand to me or threatened me in any way so I don’t fear for my physical safety. I would not hesitate to boot him out the door and into an institution if he ever did lash out that way and his anger is never directed at me either. But my nerves are shot now too. I was really hoping our friend would say "c'mon over"

[moimeme]

He fly’s off the handle and yells all the time. If he doesn’t have something to scream about – he finds something or starts talking about things that are over and done with or are not likely to happen again.

 

Has he been checked for depression or for something physical? Changes in behaviour usually signal something is going on physically or mentally.

 

I don’t know if I can have confidence that mom will take her mid-day meds and heat up her lunch.

 

Can you leave her a couple of sandwiches just for that day and call her midday to remind her of her meds?

 

Your bosses are being jerks, too. Imagine saying they can't hire you because they can't count on you! It's not like it's going to be five or ten years of this!

 

I guess your H isn't into taking a tent someplace and camping for a few days, eh?

[curiousnycgirl]

Hokey -

 

Who can blame you for being disappointed - what about YOU?? You seriously need a support system outside of LS - a r/l set of friends you can depend on!!!

 

My heart goes out to you - you are truly an amazing woman, with the strenth of 10 men. Just know I'm sending you lots of hugs and my warmest wishes.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by moimeme

Has he been checked for depression or for something physical? Changes in behaviour usually signal something is going on physically or mentally.

He is depressed and was on Prozac for a while. He is also diabetic and doesn't care about what he eats. You are right and I know that what we eat has a lot to do with our attitudes and behaviors, but I tend to give in to the comfort foods. I should be stronger for both of us in that regard. A healthier diet should be higher on my list for all of us and I appreciate you reminding me of that! I know the changes began with his mother, but not eating right is not helping that situation--it only exacerbates it.

 

Can you leave her a couple of sandwiches just for that day and call her midday to remind her of her meds?

Yes. I am preparing all her meals in advance and keeping them in her fridge so she can nuke them, plus she has sandwiches and crackers and lots of Ensure.

 

Your bosses are being jerks, too. Imagine saying they can't hire you because they can't count on you! It's not like it's going to be five or ten years of this!

Jerks is too polite a word for them! I have not been happy there anyway -- this is the job that I took when my last contract ended and it turned out to be nothing at all like it was presented in the interviews. There are three single mom's in my group and during the interview process I agreed to work 8:30 - 5:30 because the single moms can't stay late and I understand that and thought it was great that the company was being understanding and considerate of that. Their compassion ends when one is dealing with an aging parent though. This company is rather 'astounding' but not in a good way! I'm just as glad that it is contract so that when I leave I can tell other interviewers that my contract ended and not the real reason!

 

I guess your H isn't into taking a tent someplace and camping for a few days, eh?

LOL! Now that is a good idea! I could take him out in the woods somewhere and leave him! Yeah! I LIKE that idea!

 

PS: Glad I remembered to use the spell check -- I really mangled the spelling of exacerbates

 

 

 

You seriously need a support system outside of LS - a r/l set of friends you can depend on!!!

You are right. I've been thinking about that myself lately. My best friends - the ones I knew I could count on and who I could make a fool of myself in front of and still know they were there for me, I have not seen in over 20 years. The other friends I've made over the years have drifted away and none of them would I be comfortable calling or telling any of this. My mom has always been my best friend. I don't have the energy right now to put into developing any friendships, but once the crisis is over and I have time back for me I am going to do just that.

 

LoveShack has been --pardon my using this word, I don't mean any blasphemy since I'm not a true believer but its the strongest word I know to convey my feelings -- but LS has been a God Send to me. And that means that all of you have been God Sends to me.

 

Sometimes we see threads on this board asking if anyone has ever really been helped by LoveShack or has made any changes in their life because of the words they have read on LoveShack and I'm here to tell all of you -- YES. I know that I would have had a complete nervous breakdown if it were not for the people who help me, tell me off, argue with me, debate with me, allow me to get emotional, allow me to be bitchy, and allow me to vent and still send me cyber-hugs.

[brashgal]

I guess your H isn't into taking a tent someplace and camping for a few days, eh?

 

Houston is a lot 'warmer' in the summer than British Colombia, it's miserable enough sleeping inside w/o A/C.

 

I wish you were in Dallas, I'd run over and give Mom the meds - anyone else you know who could stop by mid-day?