Flashbacks

[Poppy47]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have been 9 weeks total NC.

It has been good and bad.

When I feel bad, I look back and remember that I felt really bad much of the time I was seeing xMM.

 

I am not planning to break NC. What is bothering me are the replays of things I did with him.

 

The places we went, the places we ate, the trips we did. Any of these can come into my mind in the middle of the day or night, during my work or watching TV.

 

I want them to stop. Has anybody experienced these very strong memories invading their mind?

POppy

[Shadowburn]

It's normal.

 

I remember waking up every morning and the whole story of my sordid affair running through my mind. Everything we did and how much he hurt me, and how I did the right thing by walking away, and how I felt I will never get over our horrendous break up.

Eventually my brain just got tired of cycling through the same things and same scenarios, and I was surprised myself that as soon as this mental blabber starts, my mind will switch off to something else. I remember having to purposely redirect myself to keep thinking about all this garbage, but eventually I lost interest in that as well.

 

It took a long time, maybe close to a year. But my affair was almost three years long and he left his wife for me (only to run back to her).

 

You'll get there. Be patient with a process xo.

[Satu]

Here is a clipping from my journals:

 

 

"If you had a broken finger, would you try to heal it by not thinking about it?

 

 

Freud and Jung concluded that most mental and emotional pain comes from Conflict and Resistance.

 

All you will achieve by trying not to think about this, is the creation of terrific tension in your psyche.

 

The thoughts come, but you try not to think about them and push them away. = Resistance.

 

Resistance = Mental and emotional pain.

 

 

Let the thoughts come and go just like any other thoughts.

 

 

If you don't, they will slam in hard anyway.

 

 

Gradually the thoughts are drained of energy, and become something of little significance.

 

You get what you resist.

 

What you resist persists."

 

 

Take care.

[rumblefish12]

Let the thoughts come and go just like any other thoughts.

 

I'm about at 3 months NC (except for one phone call from her 2 weeks in) and our A was 3 years and change. I'm having the same issues. I was okay for 6-8 weeks, but have been having a harder go of it lately.

 

The quote above mirrors the practice of mindfulness and meditation in that if you resist you give power to the thought. I've also read that you have to allow yourself to mourn the loss. It's hard to find the balance though, wherein you mourn and don't obsess.

 

When I catch myself thinking about her (often) I picture a stop sign and say to myself, "I miss her. It's over. I wish her well." That was something I picked up off of an affair counseling website which has been helpful.

 

Part of my problem was that I was lurking on her social media periodically and that was a nightmare. That had to stop or else I'd never let go. It represented the notion of wanting her back... of getting her back. There's no way that could work and maintain my family -- it's amazing I still have them. And it would be completely unfair to my exAP because she has a family and needs to get on with her life.

 

This long national nightmare has come to an end. It was a horrible guilt-ridden experience while in it, and yet you find yourself missing it or remembering only the good times, like an abusive relationship. It is irrational. It is addiction. And it had and still has the potential to ruin dozens of lives. That keeps me moving forward in NC. I've been selfish to the extreme for so long. It's time to do the right thing for all involved.

 

Let's lean on each other and stick with it. ~rumble

[Lostgirl186]

I don't have any advice, as I am still fairly new to this, but I'm just here to offer encouragement. Three months no contact is extraordinary ❤️ It seems that the few minutes of joy that we got during encounters tend to override the months and years of heartaches. If only we could focus on the bad times, and forget the good ones. Thinking of you -

Lostgirl

[Poppy47]

Thanks everyone. Your support is appreciated.

 

I did very well for the last 9 weeks and suddenly it's all fallen down. Maybe it's the full moon..LOL.

 

It wasn't just a matter of a few moments Lostgirl. I have 8 years of memories good and bad.

 

OH well, shoulders back and forge on.

 

Cheers,

Poppy

[dogloverof2]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have been 9 weeks total NC.

It has been good and bad.

When I feel bad, I look back and remember that I felt really bad much of the time I was seeing xMM.

 

I am not planning to break NC. What is bothering me are the replays of things I did with him.

 

The places we went, the places we ate, the trips we did. Any of these can come into my mind in the middle of the day or night, during my work or watching TV.

 

I want them to stop. Has anybody experienced these very strong memories invading their mind?

POppy

 

I posted earlier how I rehash everything he said to me and wonder if he thinks of me. I totally understand how you feel. XMM takes up way too much space in my head and mind.

Edited June 20, 2016 by dogloverof2

[norudder]

Hi Poppy,

 

I'm with you. Similar timeline for re-implementation of NC. My flashbacks used be attached to a feeling of longing/sadness because I saw those times positively. No more. Overshadowed by the realization my affair experience was not his affair experience. Makes it easier for those positive feelings to die out and the flashback memories get shorter and shorter without that emotional attachment to them. Keep onward.

[solonely9]

Hi, Poppy.

 

I was in a month and a half NC, broke it, and it has been another month since then. I have some good days, but, most of the time, I'm really struggling. Mornings are the worst. Every day, as soon as I wake up, my head starts replaying what happened. The places at which we were together are also a constant trigger. I'm done resisting the thoughts of him and I'm letting time do its work.

 

[Jersey born raised]

Like a lot of people and places they fade but at times something will trigger them.

 

Funny lost loves, WS, BS, lost parents, lost pets, all have/cause triggers.

[inappfriendly]

Poppy, I am YEARS out of A and so far into NC that I don't even consider it that anymore. He's gone. Physically. But still on my mind more than I thought he would be at this point. The flashbacks and echoes are still as vivid as the days they occurred. I've learned to let them wash over me when they need to. They (and he) has become a part of me, I guess. While the memories, I am sure, will always remain, at least the pain associated with them has dramatically diminished. Hope that gives you some solace!

[Poppy47]

Poppy, I am YEARS out of A and so far into NC that I don't even consider it that anymore. He's gone. Physically. But still on my mind more than I thought he would be at this point. The flashbacks and echoes are still as vivid as the days they occurred. I've learned to let them wash over me when they need to. They (and he) has become a part of me, I guess. While the memories, I am sure, will always remain, at least the pain associated with them has dramatically diminished. Hope that gives you some solace!

 

Thank you so much inappfriendly.

 

8 YEARS in the A and I am 68 years old. I assume the memories will never be lost now. We were a part of each other for a really long time. I am sure I will remember it all until I die.

 

I miss him very much and I know he misses me too.

 

I finally didn't want that lifestyle to continue. It was very unhealthy for me . Living with such a huge secret eventually takes its toll.

 

Best Wishes,

Poppy.

[Adoraxx]

Big hugs to you, Poppy.... As you know my A began 8 years ago as well, and I'll be leaving this town for good by the end of the year. That's when the real NC is going to start. I hope the memories of our xMM will fade in time. I really wish that it would be possible to completely erase him from my heart and mind though

[Lostgirl186]

Just checking in on you today Poppy. Praying that today is a better day. Best wishes

[Sabella]

((((poppy))))

 

I know it's just so hard and sad, I feel the exact same way. It's really like a death, those words are the closest I have to describing the unbearable pain some days.

 

Im about two months out and I have some really good days, then blammo, everything hits me like a ton of bricks. I just stated IC about a week ago and am now reliving parts of the relationship again for my therapist, it's exhausting and depressing.

 

One thing you did mention in your original post here, is that you were also quite sad during many parts of the A. And that is just so true about an A. I think we tend to forget or rug sweep that part of the A...but it might be what sets us free now. When we start to get all weepy, maybe we just need to conjure up the parts of the A that were so hard, so horrid. I believe I will work on that, see if it helps push me through.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, please do something nice and fun for yourself, you deserve it so much.

[rumblefish12]

((((poppy))))

And that is just so true about an A. I think we tend to forget or rug sweep that part of the A...but it might be what sets us free now. When we start to get all weepy, maybe we just need to conjure up the parts of the A that were so hard, so horrid.

 

Most of my daily contact with my ex AP was on yahoo messenger, so all of that history is still out there. Occasionally I look at it just to see how bad it did get toward the end. It was untenable. We'd break up every 4-6 weeks because at that time one or the other just couldn't stand the guilt, the limitations, the feelings, oh and the mistrust. Neither of us trusted the other. My ex AP said I was the only relationship she had never cheated on (I guess sleeping with her BH at the time didn't count). She even made out with some guy the night before her wedding. As if being in an A wasn't enough to cause mistrust, how would I ever get passed this? She'd complain sometimes that I didn't trust her, but seriously! This is not to mention the fact that her BH regularly pushed her to bring someone home to have sex in front of him. That never happened and I was clear it sure as hell wasn't going to be me. As I type this I think "WTF was I thinking?" That whole situation was a powderkeg. It's amazing that I'm out of it. I need to remember those feelings of dread that all that crap provided.

[pooldog]

I think you have to work hard to rewrite it all in your head. I read all of the marriage infidelity forums and the chump lady blog to realize what I thought I had was very different from what was real and what he promised and said never mind the pain we caused. and I do not miss him now but feel relieved that I did not make a big mistake with someone whose character faults are too much fantasy and not being able to handle stress and lying. It was all about fantasy and wasted time not reality.

 

I stay busy and am going back to dating because in midlife that's a process it can take a very long time to find a mutual match. It's healthy to meet people and make friends and learn to set boundaries and have dating goals and reject and be rejected. Maybe that is what helped keep me from going too far down the rabbit hole and treating him as a dating prospect. I dumped him at 6 months due to failure to provide a future but he insisted he could do I let him try. And at a year I was done. And of course now with ddAy everyone is done

 

I learned a lot of valuable lessons.

 

I did notice that getting out in a group class really helped get my mind off things and I came back with a fresh perspective and much less pain. And now I am writing to men on dating apps. I am not going to sit another weekend by myself!

 

Hope this helps you! There is a great dating blog by Evan Marc Katz that explains how to be the CEO of your own love life. I love his thoughts and recommend him.

[Poppy47]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions.

 

Today is better for some reason.

 

Instead of recalling the great things he did for me with fondness, I am beginning to think of them as hooks to keep me interested in him. Right? Wrong? Don't know, don't care as long as it helps to change my perspective of him.

 

Thinking of you all in NC mode.

 

Poppy.

[lilacwine]

hi Poppy,

As far as I know, this is not your first round of NC. In the past, at one point, you made it as far as 6 months. So for that 6 months mark, what triggered you to go back into the affair? Was it because of the fear you might never find someone else again? Who restarted the affair? You or him?

 

I think this time, to make NC stick, it's best that you think ahead what you should be doing to avoid falling into that relapse trap again.

[pooldog]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions.

 

Today is better for some reason.

 

Instead of recalling the great things he did for me with fondness, I am beginning to think of them as hooks to keep me interested in him. Right? Wrong? Don't know, don't care as long as it helps to change my perspective of him.

 

Thinking of you all in NC mode.

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy, I think of the hooks as the child who does not want to go to bed - they keep extending because they love staying up. The thing is they did love us and they were addicted to us and the sex and attention. But they were writing checks their life could not cash meaning they have a wife and a life and they are not going to undo it for us. It is just the way it is. I believe we both fell in because it was so tempting but we can both get out and say no this is not good for us just because you love us and you are close. We have to have the man who will commit and who can commit and we don't want to make such a mess of another couple's life.

 

It is hard to just stop and to have such a loss and a void. You sound good today and it brightened me up to read your writing as it always does.

[Lovetoohard]

For some reason, I recalled things more vividly after it ended than when I was in it. It's been around nine months since it ended, with very limited contact between us, mostly initiated by him (and mostly ignored by me). While not as frequent anymore, I still have some days that are plagued with intrusive thoughts where I am rehashing things said and done, down to the details of exact words spoken, what he wore, where we were, etc. And then weeks go by where my mind is at peace and a fleeting thought or two drift by as I focus on being present in my daily and very busy life. I noticed that when I actively repressed the intrusive thoughts, they would show up in the form of bad dreams. Or my "withdrawal" days were really terrible and downright debilitating. So I just entertained the thoughts as they made an appearance and processed them the best I could. The flashbacks aren't as frequent and intense anymore.

 

The other thing is, as time wore on, my emotions stabilized and I focused on forgiveness. There were obviously positive things about your xMM that attracted you to him in the first place and kept you there for 8 years. I was grateful to have some great moments, a wonderful friendship and a very big life lesson. I noticed that when I was experiencing negative emotions like anger or depression with the whole thing, it made the intrusive thoughts worse for me. But then again, everyone is different. I'm an eternal optimist and try to take the positive nuggets in life to help me move on.

 

Hang in there. 8 years will take a bit to fade in your memory. Sending you happy thoughts.

Edited June 23, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[Poppy47]

Poppy, I think of the hooks as the child who does not want to go to bed - they keep extending because they love staying up. The thing is they did love us and they were addicted to us and the sex and attention. But they were writing checks their life could not cash meaning they have a wife and a life and they are not going to undo it for us. It is just the way it is. I believe we both fell in because it was so tempting but we can both get out and say no this is not good for us just because you love us and you are close. We have to have the man who will commit and who can commit and we don't want to make such a mess of another couple's life.

 

It is hard to just stop and to have such a loss and a void. You sound good today and it brightened me up to read your writing as it always does.

 

Thanks Pooldog,

xMM had already asked me to come with him somewhere in April 2018 and also in September this year. Both occasions would have been unforgettable and once in a life time events.

 

He was always planning well ahead. Yes, just like a baby who doesn't want to go to sleep.

 

It is hard to feel the void where he used to be. He knows I am pretty much alone and looked forward to his calls. On the other hand, I feel he has a bigger void in his life than I ever will.

 

I enjoy reading your posts too and really appreciate you taking the time.

 

Warmest wishes,

Poppy

[lilacwine]

Poppy, I don't know why but you have avoided answering my questions again. It saddens me a lot. Your story is one of the most unique stories here that drew my interest because I so want to understand the mindset of someone who stayed in an affair for so long. I tried to ask you to help me to answer those questions many times and you always ignored me. I'm truly sad. I thought the purpose of this forum is to help each other in her own individual journey to get out of a toxic situation. Anyway, I guess after being rejected repeatedly by you just because I truly care about you and your story, it's time I leave loveshack permanently then. I don't deserve to be ignored just because I'm trying to gain an understanding from someone with a similar situations.

 

I wish you all the best.

[pooldog]

Thanks Pooldog,

xMM had already asked me to come with him somewhere in April 2018 and also in September this year. Both occasions would have been unforgettable and once in a life time events.

 

He was always planning well ahead. Yes, just like a baby who doesn't want to go to sleep.

 

It is hard to feel the void where he used to be. He knows I am pretty much alone and looked forward to his calls. On the other hand, I feel he has a bigger void in his life than I ever will.

 

I enjoy reading your posts too and really appreciate you taking the time.

 

Warmest wishes,

Poppy

 

Poppy,

 

I was looking through your old posts to try to understand your story but I don't see the whole story just your struggles to end it. I would love to read it but don't feel obliged to type too much or revisit too much pain. It doesn't sound like you had a dday and a dday might have made it easier to really see and feel the reality of what you are with him versus what he says, as painful as that might be. In my case my ddAy was a show of betrayal for both his BW and me. He told her he wanted a divorce and moved out but the aftermath proved too difficult and it became obvious that he did not want to really file and he started waffling then he got caught. Then he said I can't do this anymore and I love you so much and feel so sick to say goodbye but this is too hard now.

 

It's ok because I see reality and perhaps have more closure that he won't leave and I won't accept my position. I had a painful and hard 10 year abusive marriage and then divorced. I was divorced and single while raising my son pretty much by myself then my ex died and the years of raising my son through that were tough. I was left with a massive legal mess by my vindictive ex and managed to right the boat. I have peace because I discovered how messed up my ex's FOO was during the legal struggles so that is why he was a bad marriage partner and I forgave him. I have had counseling and read many books on dating and relationships to understand how to make a better decision.

 

So when I think about the mess my divorce caused I know I don't want one again. I don't want to disappoint my son and family or myself with another bad man so I am picky. And my ddAy showed me my APs character and I discovered his lies and character faults. At first he had said my marriage is missing a lot of things but I would be willing to leave if we worked out. When I gave him enough time and he stayed married, I left and told him six months of mistress is enough I don't want this and then he begged for more time and then he left his wife then he waffled with the logistics then he got caught. Now he has a big mess. It's sad. I am lucky because I have a fresh start. I am very resolved to either find the one or stay single.

 

We had met in person and he didn't have a ring and when I found out He was married by asking I said no. Then he kept trying and I was too smitten to say no plus the dating pond is so bad I said maybe I am getting him before his divorce.

 

The good is how it felt to be loved plus many memories and the lessons about how affairs happen and how important forgiveness is for one if you are married. It was also a relief to give up dating during the courtship and to practice sticking to a timeline but the bad is the ending and the mess of course!

 

I hope he can get his marriage together. And that I will find my forever man.

 

One thing that makes my search easier is that I am in a good location and the new dating apps favor women now. One can hope? But I am really just dabbling and staying busy with my work.

 

The widower is in China right now and he sends a text every few days. Not every minute. Imagine!! LOL!!

 

I am on a business trip which has kept my mind immersed in work. Busy is good.

[Poppy47]

Poppy, I don't know why but you have avoided answering my questions again. It saddens me a lot. Your story is one of the most unique stories here that drew my interest because I so want to understand the mindset of someone who stayed in an affair for so long. I tried to ask you to help me to answer those questions many times and you always ignored me. I'm truly sad. I thought the purpose of this forum is to help each other in her own individual journey to get out of a toxic situation. Anyway, I guess after being rejected repeatedly by you just because I truly care about you and your story, it's time I leave loveshack permanently then. I don't deserve to be ignored just because I'm trying to gain an understanding from someone with a similar situations.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Lilac wine,

A while back I promised to PM you my story. Something else was going on in my life at that time and I didn't get to it. Do you remember sending me a message saying I was a liar and a cheat like all the other women on Loveshack?

Perhaps you can understand my reluctance to respond to you.

 

Since you seem really keen to understand what made me break NC.... I knew the date of xMM's surgery and I couldn't bear not to know the results. I reached out to him. I don't understand it myself, but hopefully it will help you to know.

 

It is not my mission in life to find a man. I will be 70 years old next year, probably old enough to be your grandmother. Being alone suits me very well. I have financial security, a career, family and friends.

 

I wish you well Lilacwine, with all your problems.

 

Kindest Regards,

Poppy.