Do i stay or do i go? </3 do i sacrifice my dreams

[angelb27]

Hello lovely people!

 

I'm writing to you today from France. I'm struggling with a huge problem that's taking over my mind the whole day.

 

I met a French guy when i was home in England he was working in England, i'd just split up with a narcissist and started dating this new french guy which was very unlike me but we got on like a house on fire. We had a lovely 3 months together when he got news his contract would not be renewed and had to return to France. We was both very upset but decided to stay together. I gave up my new job in a bank, gave up my freedom, my closeness to my family and my friends even though i only caught up with them on rare occasions when it suited, i gave up my love for the gym and my body i'd worked so hard to maintain and finally felt happy and confident which then i gave up in a heartbeat because i didn't want to lose him!

 

Now 8 months on i'm beginning to wonder if i've made a mistake. I think the strains of me not having a job are starting to take its toll, i got to school 9 hours per week learning french which is free from the job centre but the university and private schools are expensive as expected. I am trying to learn but it is rediculously hard nevermind finding a job and employers don't want to know unless you are speaking pretty good! I feel like he thinks i am lazy but i am really not ive worked back home since i was 15 but i don't like how he makes me feel as if i'm not doing enough! I have no friends here only ladies in class who are 40+ and have families and even then he says i'm not doing enough to help myself. but how can i when i don't speak french and from what i've seen french women are not very inviting especially to foreign girls. i may sound very negative but that is how i feel. he works part time with his dad for the summer and plays sport for a living part of the year. His family have been great but now i feel like his mum has a grudge and looking at me with disappointment. I was very close with my family and i find that very hard.

 

The first few months were very hard getting into several big fights which resulted in physical bruises although hes never hit me. He threw me on the sofa once and his head hit my cheek bone and i had a huge swollen black eye which I had to lie to my parents about. He gets angry if i dont understand something immediately the first time and has to repeat it, a guy friend messaged me asking for my male cousins nuber to catch up which resulted in another fight to which he got jealous and smacked the cleaning detergent out of my hand which really hurt then wrestled me on the bed because now i fight back and don't let him intimidate me.

 

Majority of the time he is lovely and never met a guy who would do anything for me and choose spending time with me over his friends. He doesnt go out partying or like drinking he prefers spending time with me and his friends are the complete opposite. I'm scared to end things and regret everything but at the same time i have a nagging feeling that i'm selling myself short by living here. I won't find the same level of job here, i don't have the same lifestyle and i feel like i'm missing out on things e.g family, social life. in effects i feel like i'm old before my time.

 

My image has changed since i've been here, before i was referred to as a doll. I am small, blonde and slim and not in a fake barbie kind of way. I like to tan, go to the gym and make up everyday. My momma always told me to always look my best. However, my boyfriend doesnt let me wear extensions, eyelashes or too much make up. He says he cant be with a fake girl. I don't go to the gym as he said its not necessary to spend money on it when im not working and always i was worried he would accuse me of checking out other men like he does frequently. But yet he can go to crossfit! Hes starting college to become a barber and wants to open his own salon here whereas before he said he would return back to england or somehwere else as he doesnt want to remain in France but now he wants to remain here and i dont really want to.

 

I deleted alot of men off my facebook to make him happy. He can get quite jealous and insecure. He contradicts everything i say and has to be right although he insists its me who is always right.

 

I do my best for this man i cook, clean and basically wait on him hand and foot and although he tells me im the best etc I just don't know if im flogging a dead horse. It is a beautiful place and i always longed of moving away from home but the reality is not what i thought. I would he happy here if i was a retiree as it is very quiet and tranquil to live but at 26yo that is not what i want! I love life and i don't know what to do.

 

WE had an argument last night because i handed in a cv at a nursery 2 weeks ago which he insists was over a month but isnt. They said i wouldnt be paid as such but may help my french and could lead to a job in the future and would get in touch if they needed help through july. However we have moved further away and would involve more travelling at my expense. He says i should be taking what i can but i feel different, i'm not one to push myself on people and he insists i should be ringing to remind them. He says we dont have the same mindset on life which upset me and made me feel like a **** person.

 

I feel like i don't look the same also i don't know if all the worrying, thinking and stressing out is taking its toll on my body and especially my face i look older and tired all the time no matter how i do my make up.

 

In september hes wanting to enter into a pacs a civil partnership which gives me access to medical services and benefits here as i currently can get nothing. But also makes me liable for any debt he accumulates so i need to work out what i want before then.

 

I am stuck in two minds because i do love him but do i sacrifice how i feel for love and try make it work and hope one day i am truly happy and make a life here with him and risk regret and kids in the mix and settling for a more basic life or do i give it all up and start from scratch without him and risk regret and failure and try build my life how i want it to be and put myself first for one time?

 

Sorry about the essay guys but that's the story in a nutshell.

 

Hoping you guys can help me rationalize my thoughts some how.

 

Many thanks! x

[angelb27]

Hi guys!

 

I'm really struggling with my current situation.

 

I'm 26yo met a guy over a year ago in England he was French had to go back home so I followed gave up my life basically. My job, my freedom, family, friends, hobbies the lot.

 

A year later and I'm living inFrance but I don t feel happy. Constantly wishing I was home mainly because i miss my family terribly.

 

Also I thought he was different. He is quite controlling, he won't let me wear hair extensions, eyelashes or much make up. He doesn't like me wearing tight clothes. Accuses me of checking other guys out or being shady on my phone. Tries to make me feel like I'm abnormal because I talk to my mum a lot throughout the day. But my mum was my best friend and I don't want that to change.

 

He has been quite handy with me if we argue, he's never hit me but I be had bruises and a black eye when he threw me on the sofa when I was angry. He's pushed me over quite a few times. He's stopped doing this as much but just the other day a male friend messaged me for my cousins number and this sparked another accusing situation and he smacked the cleaning detergent out of my hand which broke and really hurt my hand.

 

In contrast I've never met a guy who would do anything for me and spend all his time with me without hesitating. He has looked after me immensely since I came. But if I ever have a melt down and home sick escapade he does t like it and blames it on me that I'm not doing enough to fit in here. I am going to school but the people are meet are of all nationalities and a lot older so slims the chance of friendships forming. I do t speak great yet and I feel now he's trying to make feel lazy because I don't have a job yet as I don't speak well enough and he expects me to try get work experience which will leave me out of pocket. He works for his dad in the mornings and plays sport during season.

 

I also feel I've let myself go since I've been here, I no longer exercise or keep looking my best. I just can't be bothered. He didn't want me to go to the gym because of me not working but really he was scared I would run off with another guy to which now he denies. I can't wear tight gym pants. We went to check out a gym and he accused me of checking out a muscly guy. I feel worn out.

I constantly look tired and trouble sleeping not sure if this is because I'm just not happy. Tried new bed, pillows sleeping tabs. I still don't feel comfortable here either and I don't know if i ever will.

 

I don't like how he makes me feel a lot of the time, like I'm a disappointment and now I feel his family feel that too. I'm scared to tell him how I feel because then he tells me to go home so when I try to he talks me out of it. It hasn't been plain sailing at all but I didn't think it would be this hard. He says we both think differently about things but still wants to stay with me. He has to be right about everythinggggggg but insists its me with this problem.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm sacrificing my happiness for someone I love and I don't know if that's fair. There is a lot more I could tell you but I'd be here forever.

 

I'm trying my best to learn but jobs aren't easy to find in France especially for foreigners. I can't get help from the government so he's wanting to do a civil partnership so I have more security here but I don't know what I want. I just don't know what the right decision is. Am I being too sensitive? Do I risk being alone and starting a new life how I want it to be? Or do I keep going and hope one day I'll feel at home and risk more time feeling in limbo!?

 

Would appreciate some support guys.

 

Many thanks.

[DreamP]

Read your own post again and you will know exactly what to do. GO BACK HOME. You are depressed, living with an abusive man, no job, no friends, no family. Go home.

[ExpatInItaly]

Go home.

 

Your boyfriend is an abuser. Full stop.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you have another thread similar to this? I am certain I responded to a very similar question a while back. If so, I am sorry you're still living in this situation. You need to get out immediately.

[Satu]

He's abusing you.

 

Go home as soon as you can.

 

 

Stay safe.

[Zahara]

In contrast I've never met a guy who would do anything for me and spend all his time with me without hesitating. He has looked after me immensely since I came.

 

I'm sure there are men out there that will support and nurture you without giving you bruises, a black eye and completely destroying your self esteem.

 

Am I being too sensitive?

 

No, you've been controlled and manipulated and have no sense of what's wrong or right or have any kind of healthy judgment.

 

Do I risk being alone and starting a new life how I want it to be?

 

Being alone is better than being abused.

 

Or do I keep going and hope one day I'll feel at home and risk more time feeling in limbo!?

 

He's an abuser. Leave. He's tearing you down and there will come a time when a black eye will escalate to a broken rib. Get the point?

[jrharvey]

My girlfriend was exactly like this. I started out with extremely high self esteem and all the jealousy and accusations just destroyed me and I was exhausted. We fought all the time and it was always a jealousy thing. Her insecurity would turn to anger to protect her own feelings and she couldn't see it was destroying us. One day she is the best girl I ever knew and the next she was throwing things and slapping me because a friend asked if I wanted to go to a part with him so she thought I would go to meet new girls.

 

What worked? STOP PUTTING UP WITH IT! Say no. Do what you want regardless of what he wants. Dont stop. Of course dont cheat, do anything out of the ordinary crazy exc... Just do what is normal to you and dont worry about his feelings. He will go nuts. He will get pissed. Take care of yourself. Leave him. Dont let him control you and he will realise if he really wants you then he will change. Make him KNOW that you wont be with him if he does not change and really mean it. If he changes you can work it out. If he doesnt just leave. I gave my insecure girlfriend that ultimatum and left her. After a week she never acted like that again. She is still needy but thats a whole other issue I gotta work out.

[smackie9]

I agree GO BACK HOME. Yes he is an abuser and no he won't change.

[smackie9]

If you ever decide to leave, don't tell him until you are already on the plane flying home.

[BaileyB]

If you ever decide to leave, don't tell him until you are already on the plane flying home.

 

Go home! As everyone here has said, you need to be with your family and friends. You are depressed. He is abusing you and should not stay.

 

And I totally agree with Smackie. Just get out of there! This is big trouble... It is only a matter of time before he gets more physical. You are in danger!

[kendahke]

Call your mother and ask her to send you plane fare or train fare to get home. Oh and while you're at it, tell her you're with a guy who has put bruises on your body and slaps the detergent out of your hands. Don't paint a pretty "we're so drunk in love" picture for her because that's not what's going on here. You're with an abusive jerk and the sooner you get out of there, the better off you'll be.

 

And in the future, unless you've got your own means of supporting yourself set up before you leave what you have, never go and willingly put yourself at the mercy of someone you barely know. You are a dependent to him, not an equal.

[preraph]

Boy, this sounds familiar from a few months ago. Anyway, answer is the same. He's controlling and nuts. Leave.

[BaileyB]

 

And in the future, unless you've got your own means of supporting yourself set up before you leave what you have, never go and willingly put yourself at the mercy of someone you barely know. You are a dependent to him, not an equal.

 

Very, very true. You live and you learn... You will never do this again!

[Satu]

He's already well into the process of isolating the OP from everyone.

 

He wants to remove everyone from her life but him, so he'll have total power over her.

 

I think there's already a Stockholm Syndrome in place, hence the uncertainty.

 

Very worrying.

[BaileyB]

He's already well into the process of isolating the OP from everyone.

 

He wants to remove everyone from her life but him, so he'll have total power over her.

 

Very worrying.

 

Absolutely, perfect situation for any abuser. There is no reason to think that the physical abuse will not continue to escalate. It's very worrying indeed.

[Satu]

He is your ABUSER.

 

Go home as soon as you can.

 

Seek safety.

[bummer]

Starting from scratch at a young age is easy enough to do over and over again. If you wait, how long before it gets so bad you have to leave?

 

Whether he's doing it or you are, you've compromised many aspects of your former identity and you don't seem happy with any of them. Yes he's a great guy, but not worth changing who you are completely!

 

Go home. Take your identity back. Start from scratch.

[TMichaels]

Call your mother and ask her to send you plane fare or train fare to get home. Oh and while you're at it, tell her you're with a guy who has put bruises on your body and slaps the detergent out of your hands. Don't paint a pretty "we're so drunk in love" picture for her because that's not what's going on here. You're with an abusive jerk and the sooner you get out of there, the better off you'll be.

 

Better yet, call your mum and see if she and another (preferably male) family member can come with her AND COME AND GET YOU. I have a feeling from what you wrote your "b/f" has you under lock and key and even if you had the money/had the money sent to you, it would be very difficult for you to slip away without being caught. Who knows how you will be "punished" if that's the case.

 

There's no shame in admitting you made a mistake, you're in trouble, and you need help. As your mother and your best friend, your mum would be mortified, hurt, and upset to know this is going on and you didn't tell her so she could help get you out of this mess.

 

Please let her know and enlist her help. Don't wait. Do it now. Things will not get better if you stay where you are. I totally agree with everyone else here. Your life (physically and mentally) is in danger where you are and you need to get out of there ASAP.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[VeveCakes]

GET OUT NOW.

 

Call your parents and friends and make plans to leave, do not tell him.

 

Leave as soon as possible and block all contact.

 

This is an emotionally, financially and physically abusive relationship that will only escalate.

 

I was nearly killed by my ex and he was only a 1/10th of the ******* you described before he completely lost it one day.

 

If you need support please feel free to message me.

 

Please keep us posted.

[Els]

Concur with the others, this guy is abusive and there is no reason to even stay in a R with him, let alone continue sacrificing for him. You need to go back home and cut all contact with him immediately. From there, with the support of friends and family hopefully you can resume your career.