Cirilla Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 (edited) Hi everyone. I've made a few threads about my past LTR and I appreciate people's comments. It's so hard to talk to people I know IRL because a lot of them say I shouldn't be thinking about the LTR or BU anymore since it's been over a year. But, we were together 4.5 years with turbulent ups and downs and extremely hurtful words and behavior on both sides, with an intentionally cruel breakup on his part and his intentionally manipulative (failed) attempt to get me back. You can read about that here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/548603-ex-trying-get-me-back-but-also-insulting-me So not only do I probably have to see him again soon (event that I normally would go to and enjoy if he wasn't going--on the fence about it) but I'm also having anniversary grief and woke up from a dream where he was intentionally throwing new relationships in my face (which he did IRL and continued to brag about even when we briefly got back together a year before the last breakup, resulting in me in turn losing trust and gaining anxiety and saying bad things to him). There was a time in the relationship where things were really good and I've been nostalgic about it despite knowing how it turned to **** later on. I never want him back, but the mind wanders where it will. Today would have marked 6 years for us and part of me still wonders what things would have been like if he'd been mature when he was supposed to be. The grief is especially bad because it was my first relationship relatively late (mid 20s) and due to a visible disorder and the limitations it causes (I'd rather not get bogged down in details of that), I'm afraid it will have been my last. I guess I'm looking for venting and support. I'm miserable at the thought that another relationship might be working out for him and that he still hasn't matured enough to not throw it in my face if I see him soon. The dreams are definitely processing the real fear of something from our past repeating itself. And the grieving and wondering if things would be alright between us if he'd been raised differently, and the dread of seeing him again--possibly with someone else all the while knowing dating hasn't worked out for me... Don't get me wrong, I've been in NC and only had one bout of temptation to break, which I didn't give in to. I'd prefer to never see him again and I've been spending time with friends, doing mg work, working out, etc. Has anyone experienced anything similar? Or have constructive thoughts? Edited June 20, 2016 by Cirilla Link to post Share on other sites
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