Having a hard time..

[dogloverof2]

I am a newbie to this site and am struggling terribly with what was my attachment to a married man. I am married myself. He came onto me and pursued me off and on for about 3 years. We never had sex, and only met alone 2 times to talk. (But they were meetings in a parking lot). Our communication was basically phone calls every once in a while when ever it was good for him to call me. I never called him. A couple months ago, I walked away from him and the situation without so much as a goodbye. I think he kinda knew I was on my way out but he still pursued me as if he wanted to try one last time. Now since I am away from him and know I will never see him again, I am struggling terribly with thoughts of him everyday. The attraction to him was so strong for me that it scared me. I want to say he kinda felt the same but I am not sure...His words said he was.

I want my mind cleared of this and want to move on, but I am having trouble getting there. Could it be that there was no closure? My husband deserves my full attention.. Thank you in advance for your advice or comments.

[rumblefish12]

Could it be that there was no closure?

 

Hi DL -- I'm early on in NC too. And we tried to end it dozens of times over the 3 years of the A. There's never immediate closure. Don't think that if something else was said or done that your pain would be different. Based upon your description, I think you avoided an enormous amount of pain by ending it when you did. There's so much pain to go around in these things.

 

Your feelings are real but they will pass. You have to give them as much time as is needed to allow them to pass. Don't put a clock on it or think that something like "closure" could change that. There's a great affair counseling website that discusses not confusing ending the relationship with closure. The end is ALWAYS abrupt, painful, and more or less messy. Closure is a process. Closure takes time and perspective. NC is the only way to get there. Hang in there for yourself and all involved. ~rumble

[DKT3]

Hi DL -- I'm early on in NC too. And we tried to end it dozens of times over the 3 years of the A. There's never immediate closure. Don't think that if something else was said or done that your pain would be different. Based upon your description, I think you avoided an enormous amount of pain by ending it when you did. There's so much pain to go around in these things.

 

Your feelings are real but they will pass. You have to give them as much time as is needed to allow them to pass. Don't put a clock on it or think that something like "closure" could change that. There's a great affair counseling website that discusses not confusing ending the relationship with closure. The end is ALWAYS abrupt, painful, and more or less messy. Closure is a process. Closure takes time and perspective. NC is the only way to get there. Hang in there for yourself and all involved. ~rumble

 

Could be, but most likely not real feelings. Most likely it's an addiction to how you feel and not how you feel about the person. For married women the idea that another man is telling you how wonderful you are really gets them going, were as the husband praises falls short of the mark.

 

Op I think when people find themselves in these situations it's more about redirecting your mental and emotional energy. Change the way you it will change the way you feel

[dogloverof2]

Hi DL -- I'm early on in NC too. And we tried to end it dozens of times over the 3 years of the A. There's never immediate closure. Don't think that if something else was said or done that your pain would be different. Based upon your description, I think you avoided an enormous amount of pain by ending it when you did. There's so much pain to go around in these things.

 

Your feelings are real but they will pass. You have to give them as much time as is needed to allow them to pass. Don't put a clock on it or think that something like "closure" could change that. There's a great affair counseling website that discusses not confusing ending the relationship with closure. The end is ALWAYS abrupt, painful, and more or less messy. Closure is a process. Closure takes time and perspective. NC is the only way to get there. Hang in there for yourself and all involved. ~rumble

 

Thanks for your reply. Some days the struggle is so great that I almost make myself sick. I am sure that he has moved on with his life and isn't by any means affected by it like me. I know in time I will be okay. I so regret getting involved.... I have read that emotional affairs are sometimes harder to deal with than physical ones.

[dogloverof2]

I find myself comparing him to my husband in so many ways, and that is so wrong... My husband is so good to me and loves me, and I think I have just gotten in a rut in my marriage, and allowed another mans attention to take me over.

[Lobe]

Whether or not the object of your limerence felt the same way or you were in a state of unrequited love is only relevant insofar as you need a good dose of disillusionment, but I'll leave that for last.

 

Time and space need to be created to develop inappropriate feelings from someone other than your spouse. Only you can honestly answer if the time and space was a gap that already existed in your marriage or a gap you created to make space for the other guy when he happened to show up. So the first question becomes, had you and your husband had grown apart already or did you push hubby away to make space?

 

The second question is, do you want to stay in your marriage? If the answer is yes, then you need to focus on that. How and why the gap in your marriage came to exists is something you can go over in IC. In the meantime, assuming you still love and care about your BS (which it sounds like you do) the energy and attention you poured into creating a bond outside your marriage needs to go somewhere and you're right - pining over him will make you go crazy. Our MC told my WH that every time his thoughts slipped to xOW, he make a conscious choice to think about doing something nice for me our family. Even if he wasn't going to do it, the intent was to make sure his focus was directed at the right people, inside the marriage.

 

If you in fact believe that the marriage is over, then you need to tell your husband that you are unhappy. I'm not usually one to advocate for not disclosing the details of the A, but in your case as it was not physical, I'm not sure if there would be any benefit, though telling him you are so unhappy that you are willing to leave the marriage will probably lead to, "Is there someone else?" and you'll have to decide then if you wish to say, "No, but there almost was..."

 

Now back to this.

 

lim·er·ence ˈlimərəns/

(n.) 1. the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

 

I want to touch on the bubble of magnificence you've blown around the other man. One of two things could be going on here. One, he's a married predator who knowingly pursued a married woman with no intent of leaving his wife, which says a lot about his character. Or two, since you've alluded to the fact you were only guessing that his feelings mirrored your own, you may have been nothing but some dumb chick who had a school-girl type crush on him, who he used to stroke his own ego when he wanted a boost. Either way, you've created a version of him that you're in love with that needs to be stripped back down to reality. This is something that you can work through in counselling or on your own, but the goal is simply to stop idealizing him. Give yourself the insight and advice you'd give your sister or best friend or daughter and pop that bubble of magnificence.

 

Good luck on your journey.

[BuddyX]

So what made you stray? Something had to be off in your marriage?

[DKT3]

I find myself comparing him to my husband in so many ways, and that is so wrong... My husband is so good to me and loves me, and I think I have just gotten in a rut in my marriage, and allowed another mans attention to take me over.

 

More like your marriage is in a rut BECAUSE you turned towards another man. Women are generally the primary caregiver of the marriage, admitting the marriage is in bad shape because of her actions is a hard thing to do. I expect you can justify your actions by pointing out his short comings. But if you sat and had a conversation about short comings his list would be as long as yours. Wayward spouses seem to think they have cornered the market in being dissatisfied in the marriage.

 

Comparing the two is about as unfair as it gets, the reason being is you know all your husbands flaw and very little about this other guy, because while in an affair the best foot is most often on display.

 

But oddly enough wayward spouses ignore the faint red flag in any affair relationship, that is your dealing with someone who is a dishonest disloyal liar. It's hard to admit because then it makes you the same.

 

Think of it and this way, if you were single but having to decide between two men, one who is loyal honest and will hold your hair while you puke, or one who is exciting but dishonest and has cheated on his prior gf.....not a tough decision right? So what makes it difficult now?

[Lobe]

I find myself comparing him to my husband in so many ways, and that is so wrong... My husband is so good to me and loves me, and I think I have just gotten in a rut in my marriage, and allowed another mans attention to take me over.

 

There's a tendency in affairs to magnify the perceived good qualities of the affair partner and ignore or omit the obvious, while at the same time you magnify the perceived negative qualities of your spouse and rewrite the backstory of your relationship so you can justify your actions. I suggest not putting much stock in your perception at this time - based on how affairs go down it's safe to assume you're not really thinking all that clearly.

 

How were you in a rut in your marriage? Had you talked to your husband about it? How long have you been married? Do you have kids?

[rumblefish12]

There's a tendency in affairs to magnify the perceived good qualities of the affair partner. . .

 

Limerence is a leviathan. It'll lay waste to your life leaving you wondering "What the __ did I just do? And why?"

 

I idealize my exAP, and some of the things I ignore are astonishing. I'm a dog and cat lover. She doesn't like animals. She even said she doesn't like children (she has 3)! When she proposed we run away and I questioned the effect on the children, her response was, "They'll be fine. They'll learn to live with it." She was willing to leave her children. Huh?!

 

I'm not judging her because look what I was doing. But what am I idealizing exactly? If I were single I wouldn't go for that. Don't judge your screwed up thinking at this point, but know it is screwed up.

[dogloverof2]

So what made you stray? Something had to be off in your marriage?

 

 

I felt like we were in a rut in our marriage. The married guy came at the time where instead of getting so attracted to him I should have turned and worked on getting out of the rut, and focusing on husband and making things better.

[dogloverof2]

There's a tendency in affairs to magnify the perceived good qualities of the affair partner and ignore or omit the obvious, while at the same time you magnify the perceived negative qualities of your spouse and rewrite the backstory of your relationship so you can justify your actions. I suggest not putting much stock in your perception at this time - based on how affairs go down it's safe to assume you're not really thinking all that clearly.

 

How were you in a rut in your marriage? Had you talked to your husband about it? How long have you been married? Do you have kids?

 

 

My husband is content sitting home and I enjoy visiting with my friends and

co-workers. The rose colored glasses came on, I guess when I would see other people out having fun as a couple and I was alone with friends. I think I had, in my mind that married man would fill that void for me, cause he was so opposite of husband. Yes I have talked to husband about it since I walked away from married man, he is a trooper and his goal is to make me happy, doing whatever I want. We have been married well over 30 years now and have kids.. After I ended things, I had hoped my mind would get in a better place and put it all behind me. Sometimes I feel bad cause I think about it all and then get mad at myself cause I realize I am not trying as hard as I should to make things right at home. I feel like an awful person.....

[Lobe]

I felt like we were in a rut in our marriage. The married guy came at the time where instead of getting so attracted to him I should have turned and worked on getting out of the rut, and focusing on husband and making things better.

 

Define "rut."

 

For some people, that means having the same fight over and over again and never getting a different result. For others, it's merely the boredom of familiarity. If you were fighting about the rut you were both aware of it. If only YOU felt like you were in a rut and you've never communicated this to your spouse, it's possible he's perfectly content or that he's every bit as miserable as you are.

 

Only one way to find out. Are you willing to talk to your husband? Is MC an option?

[Lobe]

My husband is content sitting home and I enjoy visiting with my friends and

co-workers. The rose colored glasses came on, I guess when I would see other people out having fun as a couple and I was alone with friends. I think I had, in my mind that married man would fill that void for me, cause he was so opposite of husband. Yes I have talked to husband about it since I walked away from married man, he is a trooper and his goal is to make me happy, doing whatever I want. We have been married well over 30 years now and have kids.. After I ended things, I had hoped my mind would get in a better place and put it all behind me. Sometimes I feel bad cause I think about it all and then get mad at myself cause I realize I am not trying as hard as I should to make things right at home. I feel like an awful person.....

 

Looks like we were posting at the same time...

 

What about hosting dinner parties at your home? Or having a home away from home, like an RV? How close to retirement are you, and what kind of plans do you have for then? Did you ever future fake with MM?

[dogloverof2]

Looks like we were posting at the same time...

 

What about hosting dinner parties at your home? Or having a home away from home, like an RV? How close to retirement are you, and what kind of plans do you have for then? Did you ever future fake with MM?

 

 

We sometimes entertain family at our house or go out on weekends with family. He doesn't like to hang with a regular set of friends like most people do, so I have become accommodating for him and don't push the issue like I used to because he gets resistant. I do my own thing cause its not work the battle for that yet he will more than willing do other things with or for me cause he likes it being just me and him most of the time.

We will retire in a few more years, we have talked of relocating to a warm climate.

 

 

MM would tell me how he would see us in the future. I never mentioned anything like that.

[DKT3]

My husband is content sitting home and I enjoy visiting with my friends and

co-workers. The rose colored glasses came on, I guess when I would see other people out having fun as a couple and I was alone with friends. I think I had, in my mind that married man would fill that void for me, cause he was so opposite of husband. Yes I have talked to husband about it since I walked away from married man, he is a trooper and his goal is to make me happy, doing whatever I want. We have been married well over 30 years now and have kids.. After I ended things, I had hoped my mind would get in a better place and put it all behind me. Sometimes I feel bad cause I think about it all and then get mad at myself cause I realize I am not trying as hard as I should to make things right at home. I feel like an awful person.....

What you did was awful, but the fact that you couldn't continue to do it shows your not an awful person. Some can do these things with very little regards to the spouse , even those that make it seem as if it's a favor to the spouse, they have ongoing affairs but see themselves as good people and great parents....it's very odd.

[dogloverof2]

What you did was awful, but the fact that you couldn't continue to do it shows your not an awful person. Some can do these things with very little regards to the spouse , even those that make it seem as if it's a favor to the spouse, they have ongoing affairs but see themselves as good people and great parents....it's very odd.

 

I don't understand how people can do this for years and years and feel like its okay. To me, everyone connected to the people involved in an affair will suffer from it at some point.

[Lobe]

I don't understand how people can do this for years and years and feel like its okay. To me, everyone connected to the people involved in an affair will suffer from it at some point.

 

Denial is a powerful tool. So is entitlement. Both require being somewhat narcissistic and deluded, neither of which qualities you seem to be embracing at this time. Don't beat yourself up too hard - I think you're self-aware enough to get back on the right track.

[dogloverof2]

Denial is a powerful tool. So is entitlement. Both require being somewhat narcissistic and deluded, neither of which qualities you seem to be embracing at this time. Don't beat yourself up too hard - I think you're self-aware enough to get back on the right track.

 

 

I want to get back on the right track... It sure was easier to fall into the hole than it is to get out.... I hate struggling emotionally over something that has no sense of reality to it. Such a waste of energy and time. I thought I was a little stronger than that..

[dogloverof2]

Never imagined that one person could take up so much space in my head and mind.. Of course, I wonder if he thinks about me, I think that's normal...I rehash everything he said to me.. I wonder if he really meant any of it. I think that's normal too..

I wonder how long I'm gonna keep myself in this state of mind.. I hope not long.. Gotta try harder to move past it!!

[Lobe]

I want to get back on the right track... It sure was easier to fall into the hole than it is to get out.... I hate struggling emotionally over something that has no sense of reality to it. Such a waste of energy and time. I thought I was a little stronger than that..

 

I think you are speaking the language of every wayward here... gather your strength - you've got work ahead of you, but you can do it.

[Lobe]

I snagged this from the other thread -

 

Never imagined that one person could take up so much space in my head and mind.. Of course, I wonder if he thinks about me, I think that's normal...I rehash everything he said to me.. I wonder if he really meant any of it. I think that's normal too..

 

I wonder how long I'm gonna keep myself in this state of mind.. I hope not long.. Gotta try harder to move past it!!

 

Look up articles on how to stop obsessing.

 

There's a saying in affairland that the reason spouses stray isn't because they aren't getting enough at home, it's because they aren't giving enough.

 

Every time you think of OM, think of something nice you can do for your BS. Start planning a weekend getaway or date night that focuses on something your husband loves doing, even if that is an entire weekend at home on the couch with movies and backgammon.

[rumblefish12]

There's a saying in affairland that the reason spouses stray isn't because they aren't getting enough at home, it's because they aren't giving enough. Every time you think of OM, think of something nice you can do for your BS.

 

I do that as well and it helps tremendously. Every time I start obsessing about exAP I look at pictures of my wife and children. I tell myself, "You can't have both. You have to choose." There's no choice. It puts it all into perspective. It doesn't mean that the obsessing doesn't creep back. That will take time.

 

There are a couple of appropriate sayings in AA, "You've got to give time time." and "Time takes time."

[dogloverof2]

A couple of months ago, actually about 5 now, I walked away from what was, I guess, an EA with a married man. He has my number....

There has been no communication what so ever between us since then.. Maybe he is working things out with his wife, who knows....

I have read several places where the XAP returns, makes contacts, checks in, how ever you wanna view it.

A friend told me once that if you don't hear anything in 6 months, then its finally over. They have moved on, found someone else, whatever..

I am getting close to 6 months soon.. I have told myself that if he ever does call I am not going to answer the phone. What would be the point??

Have you ever set a time frame where, if you hadn't heard anything from XAP that you knew it was really over??? Do they always seem to come back for one reason or another? Even if its to test the waters with you?

[Satu]

There's no meaningful answer to your question, but you should realise that he's where he wants to be, with the person he wants to be with.

 

QED.

 

Your part of it ends whenever you accept that it has ended.

 

If I were you I'd just block him, and move on.

 

There are lots of single and available men out there.

 

Better men than him.

 

 

Take care.