Mothers who left: do good mums who have left their kids damage?

[Leigh 87]

So. I was watching a forum style of a show in tv. It features social issues, child free versus having kid coupels, the welfare system and a wide array topics of discussion.

 

I watcher one episode: " mums that leave".

 

So I watched it and I was under the assumption that it inferred to " mothers that left their family" and did not wish to he mothers. Much like the dead beat dads.

 

I was a bit surprised to watch the stories of three mums who all left their kids for self sacrificing reasons. One women had no employment options in her remote indiginous town and she, as an aboriginal Australian, was adamant that she needed to have a career so that she could be a role model to her 2 children. She just couldnt accept being relient on welfare.

 

Indidgious Australians are known to be disadvantagrd when compared to others. So she left her kids with their father, who was a good parent, so that she could have a career and afford to take care of herself and her kids.

She cried on the show. She said it was a hellish exhistance living away from her kids, but she is desperate to not be sitting in welfare ( which was the ONLY option for the vast majority of people in her remote community). She sees her kids regularly. She views her career move as a necessary evil, so that her kids can afford to attend good schools in populated areas.

 

The next woman has bipolar disorder. She was suicidal. She loves her kids, yet did not feel it was in their best interest for them to be in her care UNTIL she underwent extensive therapy.

She now feels closer than ever to her kids, while she lives with her parents and attends regular therapy. Her goal is to become healthy enough to her kids 50/50.

 

My own mum moved overseas when I was about 10. She did it becauze my dad fell ill snd couldnt work. My parents eere desperate to send me to the best schools and give me opportu nities that they didnt have growing up. My mum agonised over her decision and I always felt very loved. I never felt that she was a " mother who left". My parents were always middle class. Upper middle class by the time they had me. They had a huge house and mortgage and a child so when dsd fell ill, they sure didnt want to sell up and live live a 1 income lifestyle. They just had higher hopes for me.

 

So I sort of want to know: is my mum REALLY the type of woman who is a " mother that left"???? The type of mum who other mothers give dirty looks to? My mum was very loving and a good mum and so I am not sure why other women assume that THEIR way of raising their own kids, is the best way, and therfore all other mothers who go about it differently are BAD? I mean... mum had 2 people to support.... living on the cheap, living in a crappy neighborhood and risking a public school and not affording 5k braces if your kid has awful teeth----- that is not most parents idea of a nice sort of lifestyle--- where you have only the bare essentials and are not able to afford music lessons or to join a sporting team.....

 

I am personally glad mum took the well paid job. I got to see the world and learn the piano and afford to be involved in sporting teams! I would have been miserable had we been stuck in one income and the only entertainmenr I had were free library books!

I knew she loved me and I didnt need her physical presence in order to know I was just as lived as all my friends who had mums that lived with them.

 

I personally prefer a comfortable lifestyle and I would have hated a life of no money and no activities; no thanks. I needed to be able to afford to go to the movies wirh friends when invited. I knew that I wouldnt have been happy to have been the poor, 1 income kid who " couldnt afford to go anywbere or do anything". I also had a speech impedament. My teeth had 2 rows. They were EXTREMELYcrooked. No one income family can go and afford to give their kids straight teeth.

 

All in all, it doesnt feel like my mum was an absent mother at all. She was always there for me a lot more so than mothers who may have lived with their kids snd teens.

 

She did fly me over there a lot. I saw her a few times a year.

 

She has mentioned before to me that she feels very guilty for having moved away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder why there was an entire show in mothers who made a sacrifice in order to provide their kids a better quality of life, titled " mothers who left"?????

 

I think the title of the show was offensive and insensitive to mums who were only trying to do the responsible thing......

[DreamP]

Working mothers are always criticized. Good parenting isn't about the total time spent together. It's so much more and your mother was a great parent even when she wasn't physically there.

[NTV]

I think each situation is individual, and a lot depends on the dynamics. As far as the good mother/bad mother, if you substitute father it shouldn't change the good/bad determination, right?

 

 

So, with regards to the leaving for work thing, a lot depends on whether you can sustain a good lifestyle at home without leaving. Welfare is of course on the you should go side. But for me (and this is just my opinion) I think the line is drawn in what you are affording versus your presence. For examply, your presence vs affording volleyball? You presence definitely outweighs a change on adding one sport. Your presence versus affording life-saving healthcare? obviously on the other side of that.

[Aniela]

I was one of those kids who didn't have much money to do anything, or go anywhere (except as a treat), even though my mother worked a lot, including overtime, to keep a roof over our heads. It wasn't the worst childhood: we had friends, we went swimming, loved the library, and I saved leftover lunch money for magazines, chocolate, coke, and records - when I had enough saved up, I would buy my own. I think that was actually good for me, as I learned to not expect to have everything that I wanted - or to not get them right away.

 

I think the women you described, including your own mother, did what was necessary, though. Every single one of them sounded like they were thinking more of their children, than they were of themselves. I don't see how anyone could take issue with parents who were doing their best to provide for their children.

[clia]

I don't see it as being an inaccurate title. The mothers left. They might've had great reasons for doing so, but they still left. So, while it might feel offensive because you would add on a bunch of disclaimers, it's a fact. I think it's sad you only saw your mom a few times a year while you were growing up. How many years did that go on for, and who was taking care of you? Your dad? And for what it's worth, free library books are a great thing! Nothing to look down on.

[basil67]

I think the negative attitudes to women who have to leave for one reason or another are nothing short of sexist.

 

Society tends to view a father who is perhaps deployed or working long distance as "doing what he needs to do to provide". But society tends to view a mother doing the same thing as being a somehow lesser parent. (Note that this is quite a generalisation and I recognise that it's not true for all).

 

I also know of a father who has significant mental health issues who had to leave for a bit for the emotional safety of his kids. I don't think anyone would have questioned his leaving as being poor parenting. I hope women who do the same aren't judged differently.

[basil67]

Leigh, if you had to choose between a private school and your mum being around, what would you have chosen? (And yes, same question if it had been your dad going away to pay for school)

 

While I understand leaving the family in order to provide the essentials, I can't wrap my head around leaving the family to provide luxury items.

[minimariah]

I think the negative attitudes to women who have to leave for one reason or another are nothing short of sexist.

 

this.

 

there is definitely a little bit of double - standard going on; mothers who do not have custody over their children OR aren't the custodial parent are very often deeply shamed and stigmatized. they're viewed as BAD parents and folks assume that something must be wrong with them. a lot of negative attributes are added to their character - at the same time, put a FATHER (man) in their position...? viewed as totally normal. never have i ever heard someone belittle a man because he doesn't live with his child, on the contrary - they're praised just for regular visitation.

 

you love your mommy and she loves you. that's all that matters. if my baby's wellbeing was in danger - i'd leave to work, too. unfortunately, we don't live from air.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, if you had to choose between a private school and your mum being around, what would you have chosen? (And yes, same question if it had been your dad going away to pay for school)

 

While I understand leaving the family in order to provide the essentials, I can't wrap my head around leaving the family to provide luxury items.

 

 

 

I would chooese private schooling and a comfortable lifestyle.

 

I never felt without her.

 

I always knew she would do anything for me.

 

I always knew she was there to talk anytime, about anything.

[Aniela]

I would chooese private schooling and a comfortable lifestyle.

 

I never felt without her.

 

I always knew she would do anything for me.

 

I always knew she was there to talk anytime, about anything.

 

I would have missed mine too much. I hated it when she had to go away on the occasional business trip. But it sounds like you handled it well.

 

Mum was engaged to a man who planned to marry her, and then send me and my sister off to boarding school - have her continue working, and he planned to take early retirement. When she found out, she broke up with him.

[Leigh 87]

Affording a good school got me great grades.

 

My mate is a similar IQ to me if not higher, and got 70 out of 100.

 

We worked equally hard yet I got 93 she got 70. Because my luxury high school was hihly scaled in the final exams and had world class teachers.

 

I honestly am a lazy student yet get high Ds still and overall credits and distinctions while only attending lectures LOL. It is becauze I was always encouraged to learn, and I was taughthr secrets of studying smart not " hard" all of the time.

 

A private school made a world of difference in how I handle college more effortlessly than the kids who attended the cr@ppy public schools.

 

You cannot re do your high school education; it is harder to catch up in college after you attend a bad public school.

[Leigh 87]

I just dont feel that someones love is necesaripy gauged by one set thing....

 

Be it working hard to afford your child a better life, or being present but poor.

[Aniela]

Affording a good school got me great grades.

 

My mate is a similar IQ to me if not higher, and got 70 out of 100.

 

We worked equally hard yet I got 93 she got 70. Because my luxury high school was hihly scaled in the final exams and had world class teachers.

 

I honestly am a lazy student yet get high Ds still and overall credits and distinctions while only attending lectures LOL. It is becauze I was always encouraged to learn, and I was taughthr secrets of studying smart not " hard" all of the time.

 

A private school made a world of difference in how I handle college more effortlessly than the kids who attended the cr@ppy public schools.

 

You cannot re do your high school education; it is harder to catch up in college after you attend a bad public school.

 

I loved to study, most of the time, and did just fine. I didn't go to college for reasons I won't go into here.

[Aniela]

I just dont feel that someones love is necesaripy gauged by one set thing....

 

Be it working hard to afford your child a better life, or being present but poor.

 

Oh, my mother almost worked herself into the ground, to provide for her family. She kept a roof over our heads, a big food shop once a week, put up with being hit on by her boss instead of quitting her job, was a great friend to her friends (would be on the phone with them past her bed time, looked after them, was basically a therapist to everyone).

 

Your mum did the right thing for her family, though. No judgement here.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I was one of the children who grew up lower middle class and never went to a private school or played a piano. In fact, we lived in a 1 bdr tiny house for most of my childhood, a family of 4 where me and my brother slept in the living room. When my parents immigrated, they had to borrow money for the plane tickets. My mother always worked full time and overtime but spent every free second with my brother and me. Through it all, all 4 of us were always together and separating was never even considered as an option.

 

I wouldn't change a thing about my childhood and would gladly give up private schools (way overrated IMHO). I now live a more comfortable lifestyle than I ever did back then and I can't say I am any happier. A lot of what I have achieved in life, I credit to my mother's complete physical and emotional presence. I actually think that I am very lucky to have had a mother like her and that my situation is rare.

 

It's hard to judge other mothers as I don't know the details of each situation but IMHO physical absence is only warranted if bare minimum for child's health and safety can't be provided for otherwise.

[Art_Critic]

I think as long as the leaving Mom doesn't leave a scar in such a fashion that it becomes unresolved trauma then it is okay...

I think when a parent leaves such as a person in the Armed Forces.. MALE or FEMALE since there are tons of women in the forces that are Mothers..and there is tons of contact, skype, emails, visits on occasion that keep the time apart from causing any harm.

 

Many times an unresolved trauma can need treatment later on in life, BPD is such a disorder that can be associated with a parent or parents leaving and causing trauma.

[Cablebandit]

my mother walked away from my dad and 3 kids...1 boy (me) and 2 girls on Xmas day to not be heard from for 6 months. I consider her a bad mother.

[mrs rubble]

Affording a good school got me great grades.

 

My mate is a similar IQ to me if not higher, and got 70 out of 100.

 

We worked equally hard yet I got 93 she got 70. Because my luxury high school was hihly scaled in the final exams and had world class teachers.

 

I honestly am a lazy student yet get high Ds still and overall credits and distinctions while only attending lectures LOL. It is becauze I was always encouraged to learn, and I was taughthr secrets of studying smart not " hard" all of the time.

 

A private school made a world of difference in how I handle college more effortlessly than the kids who attended the cr@ppy public schools.

 

You cannot re do your high school education; it is harder to catch up in college after you attend a bad public school.

 

My son has just finished obtaining all his high school credits at Uni.

He missed out on proper high school education due to being a terrible pre-teen. The principal of our local school refused to enroll him and as a result ended up in alternative education...which was awful (to say the least.)

So this semester he has passed top of the class with 100% attendance and is now enrolled to start a bachelors course next month, everyone else he used to go to school with has another 6 months left of high school before they can apply.

[basil67]

I would chooese private schooling and a comfortable lifestyle.

 

I never felt without her.

 

I always knew she would do anything for me.

 

I always knew she was there to talk anytime, about anything.

 

This explains a lot about your thread on having children vs lifestyle.

[minimariah]

While I understand leaving the family in order to provide the essentials, I can't wrap my head around leaving the family to provide luxury items.

 

i agree with this. i would leave ONLY if we really had nothing to eat. but - at the same time, i guess i can understand wanting to provide for a better life; my grandpa was like that. they had enough and lead a nice life but he went to work abroad to make even more... while he wasn't around and as a result -- my father idolises him heavily and never quite saw him as a HUMAN being... i owe thank everything i currently have to my grandpa. he gave us all a HUGE advantage and made us financially secured until the rest of our lives. so from that point of view... i guess i can see it, although that would have NOT been my choice.

 

no judgement whatsoever though for ANYONE because every family is different. what worked for my grandpa and dad... wouldn't work for me and my baby. every family has their own dynamic, i don't think there is right or wrong path here.

Edited June 23, 2016 by minimariah

[Leigh 87]

I was one of the children who grew up lower middle class and never went to a private school or played a piano. In fact, we lived in a 1 bdr tiny house for most of my childhood, a family of 4 where me and my brother slept in the living room. When my parents immigrated, they had to borrow money for the plane tickets. My mother always worked full time and overtime but spent every free second with my brother and me. Through it all, all 4 of us were always together and separating was never even considered as an option.

 

I wouldn't change a thing about my childhood and would gladly give up private schools (way overrated IMHO). I now live a more comfortable lifestyle than I ever did back then and I can't say I am any happier. A lot of what I have achieved in life, I credit to my mother's complete physical and emotional presence. I actually think that I am very lucky to have had a mother like her and that my situation is rare.

 

It's hard to judge other mothers as I don't know the details of each situation but IMHO physical absence is only warranted if bare minimum for child's health and safety can't be provided for otherwise.

 

She had to support both me and my father.

 

My parents just arent the ' living in a crap flat in a crap area" type.

 

They wanted a comfortable lifestyle for me.

 

I am not someone who needs the constant physical presence. I do my own thing.

[major_merrick]

Well, here's my take on it. I grew up in poverty. My mom decided when I was about 6 that she didn't want to be a mother anymore, and so she just quit taking care of me. My dad was deep in alcoholism, so I essentially had no parents to take an interest in me. When I was older, Mom got pregnant again and gave birth to my sister. Once my sister was about a year old, caring for her became my responsibility and my mom pretty much left. When she was home she was drunk or on drugs. When she was awake, she abused us, and when my father was around he shouted and threw things until he retired to his bottle. Food was scarce, but I found what I could. I was forced to keep up appearances for fear the authorities would find out and separate my sister and I and send us to abusive foster homes - being totally alone and at someone else's mercy was my worst fear. I left "home" when I was 17, and managed to get my sister out later and gain custody after my father disappeared and my mother went to prison.

 

What was the worst part of it all? That I didn't have parents. Real parents. Poverty can be worked around. People can invent all kinds of ways of lifting themselves up. But I believe that people are helped most when they lift EACH OTHER up, and doing that requires people to be together and actively involved in each others' lives on a daily basis. Money and comfort is nice, but relationship is what matters most even if you live in a cardboard shack.

[basil67]

She had to support both me and my father.

 

My parents just arent the ' living in a crap flat in a crap area" type.

 

They wanted a comfortable lifestyle for me.

 

Wow, this is a very binary view. So it's either a crap flat in a crap area...or private schooling? Are you aware that there is middle ground?

 

Going to a private school is a luxury lifestyle, not a comfortable lifestyle. Anyone who can fork out $20Kpa for schooling is not simply 'comfortable'.

 

There are many, many children who grow up perfectly well in a regular house in the suburbs with a public school education. I know many of them and believe it or not, they have very successful lives and jobs.

 

For the record, we could have afforded private schools, but chose not to. I want my kids in an inclusive environment rather than an exclusive one. I want them to value people more than money and things.

[todreaminblue]

I think every situation is different i have known mothers who have had to leave because of domestic violence.....they needed to get out and get support to have their kids ..

 

 

As far as being poor...living in "crap" areas....or "crap" flats...theres as much love to be had by kids in such situations as there is love to be had in affluent areas.....

 

as far as welfare goes......i am a single mum i choose to stay at home.....i have two children with disabilities and receive a carers payment.....and we struggle sometimes......i am lucky i get child support.....

 

i feel this thread is a bit judgy on your behalf towards mothers on welfare...and i think that isnt fair at all leigh.....

 

poor does not mean uneducated.....and i am happy that you were happy with your private school education.....public schools can provide adequate education....what i feel is more important is what parents mentor and teach their kids than a curriculum taught in a classroom by a stranger

 

the world is suffering because there is less compassion less kindness and less tolerance and or understanding of societal differences....when there should be more tolerance...and i believe these attributes are up to parents to teach in the home...for home is where the hearts are..... and it is more than just a necessary requirement to be a good human being...........rather than the importance and betterness of an algebraic equation in a private school where every one wears the same insignia on their 300 jacket..

 

i have a great deal of respect for working mums..because its hard enough being a mum...its a 24 7 career on its own..let alone work and parent.......but stay at home mums or mums in receipt of welfare.....also deserve respect....for the most important word that is glossed over ...is ....mother....working or non working...its ...mum..mums deserve respect............deb

Edited June 24, 2016 by todreaminblue

[Leigh 87]

Well, here's my take on it. I grew up in poverty. My mom decided when I was about 6 that she didn't want to be a mother anymore, and so she just quit taking care of me. My dad was deep in alcoholism, so I essentially had no parents to take an interest in me. When I was older, Mom got pregnant again and gave birth to my sister. Once my sister was about a year old, caring for her became my responsibility and my mom pretty much left. When she was home she was drunk or on drugs. When she was awake, she abused us, and when my father was around he shouted and threw things until he retired to his bottle. Food was scarce, but I found what I could. I was forced to keep up appearances for fear the authorities would find out and separate my sister and I and send us to abusive foster homes - being totally alone and at someone else's mercy was my worst fear. I left "home" when I was 17, and managed to get my sister out later and gain custody after my father disappeared and my mother went to prison.

 

What was the worst part of it all? That I didn't have parents. Real parents. Poverty can be worked around. People can invent all kinds of ways of lifting themselves up. But I believe that people are helped most when they lift EACH OTHER up, and doing that requires people to be together and actively involved in each others' lives on a daily basis. Money and comfort is nice, but relationship is what matters most even if you live in a cardboard shack.

 

 

 

Except I did have love and a relationship with my mum.

 

And I am the kind of person who wouldnt have been as happy being poor and with a physicslly present mother.

 

I am like my mum; we both strongly prefer and value and comfy life over a poor existance where even getting a simple hair cut is something we cannot afford.

 

I felt I had a present mother--- I always felt that she was there to talk to me anytime, about anything.

 

I felt very loved.

 

Dont compare my mum to your own disguisting and sorry excuse for a " mother"

 

My mum would have done anything for me and I alway knew it.