Mothers who left: do good mums who have left their kids damage?

[todreaminblue]

Except I did have love and a relationship with my mum.

 

And I am the kind of person who wouldnt have been as happy being poor and with a physicslly present mother.

 

I am like my mum; we both strongly prefer and value and comfy life over a poor existance where even getting a simple hair cut is something we cannot afford.

 

I felt I had a present mother--- I always felt that she was there to talk to me anytime, about anything.

 

I felt very loved.

 

Dont compare my mum to your own disguisting and sorry excuse for a " mother"

 

My mum would have done anything for me and I alway knew it.

 

the thing is leigh if you grew up poor you wouldnt have known any different.your values however and what you value....would be completely different....deb...

[Leigh 87]

Wow, this is a very binary view. So it's either a crap flat in a crap area...or private schooling? Are you aware that there is middle ground?

 

Going to a private school is a luxury lifestyle, not a comfortable lifestyle. Anyone who can fork out $20Kpa for schooling is not simply 'comfortable'.

 

There are many, many children who grow up perfectly well in a regular house in the suburbs with a public school education. I know many of them and believe it or not, they have very successful lives and jobs.

 

For the record, we could have afforded private schools, but chose not to. I want my kids in an inclusive environment rather than an exclusive one. I want them to value people more than money and things.

 

My parents deliberately only had the one child.

 

They led a simple, very basic life and were hell bent on getting to be comfortable. Just as they did just that, and had 2 well paid full time incomes, my dad fell ill.

 

As the 140k a year main earner, my family were not okay with reverting back their old lifestyles they were trying to escape from.

 

They were not okay with aiming for a comfortable, two income life and then in a flash, having to just.. live the same kind of life they had always had growing up in their former 1 income family households.

 

And to be honest, I prefer having had overseas travel and money with whicblh to scratch my Asss when I was growing up--- I would have definately bee les happy having nothing asjde from essentials, but also having mum present on a daoly basis.

 

Growing up, I am not a mushy person who has needed to be around mummy and daddy all the time! I mean, we well loved one another, but I saw them daily and I never " got" or rekated to why all my mates would dedicate Sunday to " family day":lmao: I would think okay, they are with each other daily as it stands, I cannot fathom dedicating a day to " family day" ?

 

My parents let me eat dinner in front of the telly watching the world news and documentaries as a child. I never enjoyed the traditional " sit at the dinner table and have to small talk about my day crap it just wasnt who I was.

 

As nasty as it sounds; despite having a good relationship and loads of respect and admiration for my parents, I am not very family orientated. I never was, ever since I can remember. I was a real individual who happenee to prefer playing with friends and adventures to " family days".

 

Mum is a humble teacher. The 75ish K she would have had in Aus was not in our opinion, enough to provide for a good lifestyle for a 3 person family. Add to this the fact I was never the type of child to be all gushy or needy or my family. Despite loving them a great deal.

 

Bargin bin shoping, no holidays aside from local camping trips and having to work full time to put myself through uni, are not things I would have wanted in exchangr for my mums daily presence. I had a great childhood and I had mum there then. After that, I was glad to have a family who afforded me a comfortable lifestyle. Plus, I am a person who can experience great levels of love without needing that persons physical presence.

 

I now can afford to commit to a difficult degree and get distinctions due to not having to work full time during my already 50 hr a week degree ( time needed for me to get top marks). All because my mum had a college trust fund for me. Which I only access when strapped for cash, but it sure as heck beats wondering where my next meal is going to come from like most students. I have a safety net due to my parents sacrifices when I was younger.

 

All the podiatry students who worked more than 20 hrs a week dropped out. I knew my entire cohort as it is a small field.....although again, do not use the money unless desperate; if the student grant is just short of the phone bill or food budget, my mum will give me money to cover necesities from my college fund. Or end of the year or mid year, I will make use of the money during the sales--- just a few items that are 50% off and I genuinly need. My winter jacket fell apart this year after two years of use so boy was it nice getting to get a new one.

 

Although to be honest, 90% of clothes I buy are pre loved. So I have become frugal when required, such as needing to study.... but boy is it great knowing that, should the student grant run out, I will not need to find a full time job on top of my 50 hrs a week study.

 

My parents alsp delibetersy chose to have just one child purely because they simply prefer a comfortable standard of living.

[Leigh 87]

the thing is leigh if you grew up poor you wouldnt have known any different.your values however and what you value....would be completely different....deb...

 

My parents asked me.

 

Before my mum left, she took me to a therapist and they both explained to me the inpact of my dads illness and they asked me which I would rather; living in comfort, or barely getting by.

 

I chose comfort.

 

I honestly do not buy that everyone needs daily physical presence over comfort.

 

Some people prefer to be poor over a parent tucking them in everynight.

 

Me? I was already in my own fantasy land and saw it as an annoyance for my parents to be present constantly and especially at night, loll! I wanted to chill out without feeling smothered.

 

I just never placed the tight knit family unit as essential or ideal.

 

I always saw love as an easygoing albeit strong force, that didnt need a person to be present daily in order to provide.

[Leigh 87]

Wow, this is a very binary view. So it's either a crap flat in a crap area...or private schooling? Are you aware that there is middle ground?

 

Going to a private school is a luxury lifestyle, not a comfortable lifestyle. Anyone who can fork out $20Kpa for schooling is not simply 'comfortable'.

 

There are many, many children who grow up perfectly well in a regular house in the suburbs with a public school education. I know many of them and believe it or not, they have very successful lives and jobs.

 

For the record, we could have afforded private schools, but chose not to. I want my kids in an inclusive environment rather than an exclusive one. I want them to value people more than money and things.

 

 

 

Her teachers income wasnt enough to keep our beautiful home and care for 3 people.

 

We were used to a 140k ( dad) and 75 K ( mums) household.

 

Fitting 3 people into a 75k income wasn' t what my parents deemed as " okay".

 

They wanted me to grow up cultured and seeing third world countries in addition to other countries and cultures. We travelled extensively. It turned me into a more generous person, the fact I saw honeless children as a child myself.

It made me really empathetic; as a 7 year old I would cry to my parents because " I wanted to take all the homeless people and animals home with me"

 

No one can have it all! We choose the things that matter the most! To most parents, it is the daily physical presence of both parents. My parents chose travel and exposing me to different cultures to the daily presence of my mum. They also chose comfort versus struggling to earn ends meat. And as I explained to Deb- my parents asked me how I felt. They evn took me to a therapist, who explained to me what both decisions would yield.

 

I do not personally feel that mums decision has had a less positive impact than if ai had grown up poor but with two present parents.

 

If I was a clingy child, they would have factored this in.

 

They constantly asked me if I would rather mum came home.

 

I said no---- I wanted braces and a college fund. I looked ahead to the future and didnt want crappy teach and to have to work my way full time through college.

 

Growing up poor just isnt for everyone. I feel my mum was far from a deadbeat mum who left for her own selfish reasons.

[Alamo657]

Women who leave can do so for a number of reasons :

 

1) abuse

2) boredom

3) selfishness

 

The first 2, their children will forgive them and understand.

 

The 3), their children will always despise her for breaking the household for no other reason than wanting to do whatever she wants.

[basil67]

You say your upbringing made you more empathetic.

 

However your comments about crappy public schools, crappy flats, crappy suburbs and crappy techs make you sound the very opposite of empathetic. You may feel sad for poor children, but you're highly judgmental of the working and middle class society at your door.

 

I don't know if you're aware, but the way you write makes you sound like a spoiled rich girl.

Edited June 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[todreaminblue]

My parents asked me.

 

Before my mum left, she took me to a therapist and they both explained to me the inpact of my dads illness and they asked me which I would rather; living in comfort, or barely getting by.

 

I chose comfort.

 

I honestly do not buy that everyone needs daily physical presence over comfort.

 

Some people prefer to be poor over a parent tucking them in everynight.

 

Me? I was already in my own fantasy land and saw it as an annoyance for my parents to be present constantly and especially at night, loll! I wanted to chill out without feeling smothered.

 

I just never placed the tight knit family unit as essential or ideal.

 

I always saw love as an easygoing albeit strong force, that didnt need a person to be present daily in order to provide.

 

hmmmm....from your previous posts leigh...you have constantly stated how you need that chemistry and physical,connection,attraction and affection from a partner...do you feel there might be a compensation there that you have made for lack of that connection during childhood....however much you say you didnt need that.

 

you crave a connection physical emotional and chemical with a partner..the very soul of you might feel differently about what you really needed...........

 

every human does need to be nurtured during childhood...by a father or mother figure...children are not independent from birth like some animals are...it differentiates us....we need nurture to grow into independant and happy human beans......there is a raging debate spanning years about nature vs nurture.....i respect that you are happy with your upbringing....and i am happy for you....but its different strokes for every folks...and what you deem as important and of value may be not another's cup of java.....

 

my parents both worked.....i was a latch key kid.....i looked after my baby sister when i was old enough......before that...i had a rather gruesome time with baby sittersa s a young girl...i chose not to take that route and chose to stay home with my children....while still respecting those who chose to work...in fact...i baby sat some of their kids.....i did in home childcare..charged them minimal or what they could afford to give me.......i had to give it away though because i had five of my own and i began to get tired....my own children i felt were beign neglected by me ...unfortunately i cant multi task.....something had to give....i chose my kids as being my sole focus

 

 

i was taught respect....and i understand the importance of what it is to accept others for who they are not what they do....i was taught that by my mother...at bedtime.....with her eyes hanging out of her head looking tired and beat......but sharing a smile with me anyway and a kiss good night...i will never forget her beautiful tired face..i absorbed it all..became part of who i am now......those special times those good night kisses her stroking my face..calling me beautiful......cannot be replaced...and these are things that i remember that have real value to me..not the fact she often drove a new volvo...which i called ovlov....volvo backwards of course...its the silly times...and the special good nights....are irreplaceable..the clothing she made me from her own hands on weekends.....a permanent memory with no labels..deb

Edited June 25, 2016 by todreaminblue

[ufo8mycat]

hmmmm....from your previous posts leigh...you have constantly stated how you need that chemistry and physical,connection,attraction and affection from a partner...do you feel there might be a compensation there that you have made for lack of that connection during childhood....however much you say you didnt need that.

 

 

as well as need to be sought after and desired.

 

I have a friend who recently left her family. It was the best, most healthy decision for her and her kids. Its a long road ahead, she loves them, but the relationship is unsustainable. They will find a way I am confident as both parents love kids, they just don;t love each other and someone needed to leave.

 

I find everything about this thread borgy and upper class.

 

I don't think parents travelling makes for a bad parent or a bad family. My dad was away all the time. But I underestimated the impact on my mum. She was a parent 24/6 while my dad was the awesome fun guy who brought presents and good times.

 

The links with school results et al is a long bow.

 

I recently sold my home after my marriage ended. Life was tres comfy, but I am much happier now, despite being in a tiny place. It is warm, comfy and safe. There is no way I would trade the comfort of life for my family. No Freaking Way. Comforts are relative. I lived in a motel room in wagga for 3 months with my parents and brother. It wasn't ideal but it was some of the best memories.

 

I had a mixed education but there is no way I would be away from my kids just to pay for private school. I went public and I finished my undergrad at 21. not 30.

[Leigh 87]

as well as need to be sought after and desired.

 

I have a friend who recently left her family. It was the best, most healthy decision for her and her kids. Its a long road ahead, she loves them, but the relationship is unsustainable. They will find a way I am confident as both parents love kids, they just don;t love each other and someone needed to leave.

 

I find everything about this thread borgy and upper class.

 

I don't think parents travelling makes for a bad parent or a bad family. My dad was away all the time. But I underestimated the impact on my mum. She was a parent 24/6 while my dad was the awesome fun guy who brought presents and good times.

 

The links with school results et al is a long bow.

 

I recently sold my home after my marriage ended. Life was tres comfy, but I am much happier now, despite being in a tiny place. It is warm, comfy and safe. There is no way I would trade the comfort of life for my family. No Freaking Way. Comforts are relative. I lived in a motel room in wagga for 3 months with my parents and brother. It wasn't ideal but it was some of the best memories.

 

I had a mixed education but there is no way I would be away from my kids just to pay for private school. I went public and I finished my undergrad at 21. not 30.

 

So? I never set out to do uni as a school leaver. I had just studied hard for 12 years and decided to travel the world in my 20s and study later in life.

 

Which is what I havd done.

 

I do not believe the fact you " chose a different life path" means that you are more successful than I am. I chose to party and travel and indulge while I was young; I was not ready to study back then, and as a 30 yr old I was dying to study again rather than the 18 year old school leaver who wanted to vomit at the thought of another text book!

 

For someone that is well educated, I am surprised that you assume that EVERYONE sets out to graduate as young as possible.

 

Have you not interacted with people who actively chose uni later in life?

 

I had the marks to get into medicine. But blew it due to my UAI expiring. I had to then re do my ATAR in 2009 to gain entrance. Only scored 93 this time.

 

I had the world at my feet when I graduated at age 18. I just had no drive to forgo travel and working full time and indulging versus studying my 20s away as a broke student. As far as I was concerned, school was out and I was ready to have fun at last!

 

I had a great time untl I started to yearn to study again! I feel like I am now in the best place to study for me, personally. As opposed to going to uni as a school leaver simply because people like yourself clearly think the houe and car and 2.5 kids by a certain age is " the ideal".

 

One thing my mum taught me was to please just achieve success my own way, even if it meant working menial jobs in my 20s so I coulf get all the travelling out of my system.

[Leigh 87]

I just happen to enjoy chemistry. I have many friends who had two present parents who do too.

 

I grew up unnatractive due to a mono brow and very awful teeth that took 2 sets of braces to fix.

 

Now I am attractive ( but not gorgous or beautiful), I really enjoy looking good and the feeling that pretty people are fortunate enough to enjoy; the men you date tend to fall for you and are passionate about you, as opposed to when I was pimply and crooked toothed and men ignored me or skilped the infatuation stage with me due to picking me for my personality snd dropping me once they met a girl who they were actually enamoured with.

 

I enjoy the intoxicating forced of chemistry, as a hedonistic woman who also has a high sex drive also----- I simply have no desire to date at all unless we are both feeling the fireworks from moment one. I also need comoatability of course, but an initial spark and falling hard and head over heels and having that lovely intense honeymoon stage, is of utmost importance to me .

 

I am happier single and building a career and planning a life rescuing dogs and cats on death row, than I am settling for mr 7/10 chemistry who I was never crazy about. This is not a bad thing, not all of us need to have 2.5 kids and a mortgage at the cost if fireworks and intense chemistry. Some of us are fine with the single life until later in life, prefering to wait for what WE feel is the love of our lives. Done our way.

 

Mum moving overseas has nothing to do with my high sex drive and the fact that I just cannot feel motivation towards less than 10/10 chemistry. I would rather just masturbate.

 

I am very loving in my relationships and mums absence hasn't hampered my abilities to fall in love and remain into my partner in addition to loving them on a deeper level.

 

I got into my first long term R at the usual age:17. We got a house together. I remained in love and loyal until the end. I ended it because he turned into a stoner and I felt thatI wanted more than that. Plus he chose pot over mortgage repayments. We had to sell.

 

But I definately fall in love and stay in love". I never loose the " in love" element after 2 plus years in my 2 relationships so far.

 

So relationship wise my parents were nothing but a positive influence--- after all they were married at age 21 and are best friends and still have chemistry and a spark.

[Leigh 87]

hmmmm....from your previous posts leigh...you have constantly stated how you need that chemistry and physical,connection,attraction and affection from a partner...do you feel there might be a compensation there that you have made for lack of that connection during childhood....however much you say you didnt need that.

 

you crave a connection physical emotional and chemical with a partner..the very soul of you might feel differently about what you really needed...........

 

every human does need to be nurtured during childhood...by a father or mother figure...children are not independent from birth like some animals are...it differentiates us....we need nurture to grow into independant and happy human beans......there is a raging debate spanning years about nature vs nurture.....i respect that you are happy with your upbringing....and i am happy for you....but its different strokes for every folks...and what you deem as important and of value may be not another's cup of java.....

 

my parents both worked.....i was a latch key kid.....i looked after my baby sister when i was old enough......before that...i had a rather gruesome time with baby sittersa s a young girl...i chose not to take that route and chose to stay home with my children....while still respecting those who chose to work...in fact...i baby sat some of their kids.....i did in home childcare..charged them minimal or what they could afford to give me.......i had to give it away though because i had five of my own and i began to get tired....my own children i felt were beign neglected by me ...unfortunately i cant multi task.....something had to give....i chose my kids as being my sole focus

 

 

i was taught respect....and i understand the importance of what it is to accept others for who they are not what they do....i was taught that by my mother...at bedtime.....with her eyes hanging out of her head looking tired and beat......but sharing a smile with me anyway and a kiss good night...i will never forget her beautiful tired face..i absorbed it all..became part of who i am now......those special times those good night kisses her stroking my face..calling me beautiful......cannot be replaced...and these are things that i remember that have real value to me..not the fact she often drove a new volvo...which i called ovlov....volvo backwards of course...its the silly times...and the special good nights....are irreplaceable..the clothing she made me from her own hands on weekends.....a permanent memory with no labels..deb

 

 

 

That is lovely. But I am not a sweet or sentimental person.

 

I get uncomfortable with too much sappy things or gushy sentiments.

 

If my parents used words like oh you are so beautifuo our pretty little princess... I would have turned red and asked them to please never talk to me that way again lol.

 

We showed love differently. They always told me they loved me though but that was as fsr as it ent with the verbal stuff.

[clia]

Her teachers income wasnt enough to keep our beautiful home and care for 3 people.

 

We were used to a 140k ( dad) and 75 K ( mums) household.

 

Fitting 3 people into a 75k income wasn' t what my parents deemed as " okay".

 

They wanted me to grow up cultured and seeing third world countries in addition to other countries and cultures. We travelled extensively. It turned me into a more generous person, the fact I saw honeless children as a child myself.

It made me really empathetic; as a 7 year old I would cry to my parents because " I wanted to take all the homeless people and animals home with me"

 

No one can have it all! We choose the things that matter the most! To most parents, it is the daily physical presence of both parents. My parents chose travel and exposing me to different cultures to the daily presence of my mum. They also chose comfort versus struggling to earn ends meat. And as I explained to Deb- my parents asked me how I felt. They evn took me to a therapist, who explained to me what both decisions would yield.

 

I do not personally feel that mums decision has had a less positive impact than if ai had grown up poor but with two present parents.

 

If I was a clingy child, they would have factored this in.

 

They constantly asked me if I would rather mum came home.

 

I said no---- I wanted braces and a college fund. I looked ahead to the future and didnt want crappy teach and to have to work my way full time through college.

 

Growing up poor just isnt for everyone. I feel my mum was far from a deadbeat mum who left for her own selfish reasons.

 

To be fair, though, you don't really know how it might've impacted your life had your mother been there on a daily basis. I'm not talking about family dinners or family day, either. Just being there to see what is going on with you in a way that can't be accomplished in a phone call. It's just not the same thing to call your mother versus her being there (whether you want her there or not.).

 

Looking at this from the outside, you've mentioned being a lazy pothead at one point in your life. You are far behind your peers in terms of being an adult. You still live with your parents, rely financially on your parents and boyfriend, won't have a college degree for several years, don't work, etc. You've mentioned that your home ownership plans involve simply inheriting your parents' house.

 

I guess I'm just not seeing what the advantages of the private schooling, world travel, exposure to culture, and luxuries has really done for you. It seems like you might've been more motivated in life had all that not been handed to you at a young age. If you had to work to get your Botox or party dresses, maybe you would've been inspired to get to work sooner. Or if your mom had been there to help steer your way. But who knows, right?

 

I also echo some of the other comments above about your constant need for validation about your looks, intelligence, etc. To me, that screams of a girl who didn't get that growing up. Maybe if your mom had been there? Who knows?

 

I'm sure it was a tough choice for your mom and I have no doubt she thought she was doing the right thing. But it's not difficult to see why she might be wondering if she made the right decision.

[todreaminblue]

That is lovely. But I am not a sweet or sentimental person.

 

I get uncomfortable with too much sappy things or gushy sentiments.

 

If my parents used words like oh you are so beautifuo our pretty little princess... I would have turned red and asked them to please never talk to me that way again lol.

 

We showed love differently. They always told me they loved me though but that was as fsr as it ent with the verbal stuff.

 

the reason mum told me i was beautiful is because i asked her if i was adopted, i felt like the ugly duckling with a swan of a mother.....what i didnt tell mum is that i was bullied constantly...mum had enough to worry about with work and home without me letting her know how school for me was a nightmare..she was always so tired......she told em i was beautiful in response to me telling her how ugly i felt i was...kids at school used to tell me i was probably adopted....as i didnt look like my mum at all..and i still dont.....i do however have resemblance to my nanna..

 

and you are sentimental leigh you seek validation from a partner on how beautiful you are....you have stated you like to be told that...you actually worry if you dont get that validation...deb...

[ufo8mycat]

 

For someone that is well educated, I am surprised that you assume that EVERYONE sets out to graduate as young as possible.

 

Have you not interacted with people who actively chose uni later in life?

 

I had the marks to get into medicine. But blew it due to my UAI expiring. I had to then re do my ATAR in 2009 to gain entrance. Only scored 93 this time.

 

I had the world at my feet when I graduated at age 18. I just had no drive to forgo travel and working full time and indulging versus studying my 20s away as a broke student. As far as I was concerned, school was out and I was ready to have fun at last!

 

I had a great time untl I started to yearn to study again! I feel like I am now in the best place to study for me, personally. As opposed to going to uni as a school leaver simply because people like yourself clearly think the houe and car and 2.5 kids by a certain age is " the ideal".

 

One thing my mum taught me was to please just achieve success my own way, even if it meant working menial jobs in my 20s so I coulf get all the travelling out of my system.

 

I have made no such assumptions. There are many paths. But you are the one that keeps banging on about how well you did at school and how important that was to your success in life.

 

You are the one that made the linkage between private schooling, luxury and success.

 

But by YOUR standards I am successful!! I live a happy, comfortable life which nice cosmetics, shampoo, lovely clothes and overseas travel! But this was an unanticipated outcome of my choices - it didn't drive my choices.

 

A score of 93 + a good UMAT result would have got you an interview for medicine at newcastle.

 

I went to Uni because travel at that point wasn't an option. I simply didn't have the $$. I don't think this is the way you have to do it. But for someone who is so academically gifted - you seem to find it hard to finish a degree.

 

I guess I'm just not seeing what the advantages of the private schooling, world travel, exposure to culture, and luxuries has really done for you. It seems like you might've been more motivated in life had all that not been handed to you at a young age. If you had to work to get your Botox or party dresses, maybe you would've been inspired to get to work sooner. Or if your mom had been there to help steer your way. But who knows, right?

 

^ this

[basil67]

And for what it's worth, countless studies have shown that private schooling doesn't give kids an academic advantage. The single biggest indicator for a child's academic success is the parent's socio economic background and education levels.

[Leigh 87]

To be fair, though, you don't really know how it might've impacted your life had your mother been there on a daily basis. I'm not talking about family dinners or family day, either. Just being there to see what is going on with you in a way that can't be accomplished in a phone call. It's just not the same thing to call your mother versus her being there (whether you want her there or not.).

 

Looking at this from the outside, you've mentioned being a lazy pothead at one point in your life. You are far behind your peers in terms of being an adult. You still live with your parents, rely financially on your parents and boyfriend, won't have a college degree for several years, don't work, etc. You've mentioned that your home ownership plans involve simply inheriting your parents' house.

 

I guess I'm just not seeing what the advantages of the private schooling, world travel, exposure to culture, and luxuries has really done for you. It seems like you might've been more motivated in life had all that not been handed to you at a young age. If you had to work to get your Botox or party dresses, maybe you would've been inspired to get to work sooner. Or if your mom had been there to help steer your way. But who knows, right?

 

I also echo some of the other comments above about your constant need for validation about your looks, intelligence, etc. To me, that screams of a girl who didn't get that growing up. Maybe if your mom had been there? Who knows?

 

I'm sure it was a tough choice for your mom and I have no doubt she thought she was doing the right thing. But it's not difficult to see why she might be wondering if she made the right decision.

 

 

 

Ummm I ran a successful business? For years?

 

I lived with my ex bf at age 17, ran the business and travelled the world.

I also did better at school than all my friends and in turn, had way more uni degrees to choose from. Going to uni later in life is not a sign of being behind my peers. I have worked and led a successful life at some stage prior. It is only the past 6 years thaf I chose a series of dead end jobs and overseas travel.

Btw--- I live with my bf now. Away from home. And I choose to get the best marks in my cohort iver waiting tables for 30 yrs a week. NO ONE IN MY POSITION woiuld CHOOSE a 50hr a week degree ( 50 hrs are required for me to get the very best marks) AND wait tables.

 

For the past 6 years I have had issues and needed parental support. I always have worked though albeit in menial jobs--- I have basiclaly had ine dead end job after another while I figure my life out and heal my mental health issues.

 

I still don't see that as unsuccessful--- I had genuiny issues and legitimate ussues in finding a life path and career and am now half way through my 3 year podiatry degree kicking ass.

None of my mates or men I dated saw me as stunted or unsuccessful---- they may have had a mortgage and degree but at the expense of living life in the way ai saw as ideal for ME. I simply prefered travel and affording decent clothes as more important to experience in my late teebs early 20s as opposed to more study and a mortgage. Having mental health issues and needing parental help as an adult isnt ideal but doesnt take away from the fact that I once had that personal trainint business as a 17 to 23 year old, sent myself overseas and then had a few years lost and at home with mum and dsd. Moving home doesnt mean my decision to travel first and do the college thing and figure myself out later, puts me behind or at some social disadvabtage to my peers.

 

So.... in my opinion, I see myself as perfectly succcessful- having a few years at home due to mental health issues doesnt make me less successful and " behind".

 

It doesnt take away the fact I have worked and had once bee successful in my old career venture and I had afforded to travel the world. When other people know simply skipped the mental health issues, world travel and fun in their 20s in favour of college. Only one of them that I know has even left the country--- which again, I cannot stress enough how I donot believe that college and mortgage first and oversead trsvel later is " ideal" for all people.

 

once had a business, sent myself on lovely overseas trips every year as a mere 17 year old, when my friends have never left the country due to college and kids. YOU may feel that my former friends are " more successful" because they attentee college earlier and got the mortgage and kids by age 30. Personally, I dont view them as more successful--- they have never seen the world or treated themselve at all, to any extent; it was simply high school, uni, degrees and mortgage then kids for some...

 

I do not define success as haging done college hy a certain age. I am sp happy that I got into the work force at age 16 and by 17 had a very small but successfjl business that enabled me to see the world---- at an age where I WAS SUPPOSED to travel NOT commit to another 4 year degree on top of my 12 year education which I just finised?

 

 

 

 

 

Why on earth do people assime that I am far behind and less successful because ai did college second and overseas travel first????????????

 

Taking my own path doednt put me behind or at any kind of social disadvantage. I would do it in the same order if I had my time again; the only thing I would change is addressing mental hewlth issues sooner.

 

I honestly never saw a degree/mortgage/kids by age 30 as the ideal or most reliable measure of success?

 

I view life experience having been to 100 countries, and being able to say " okay, I have had such a blast at life, I am now ready and actually craving study now!

 

And for the record---- Because I did much better at school than most people and dont ha e to wait tables for 20 plus hrs a week, I am smashing my degree.

 

 

 

 

And I am now nearly half way done.

 

I graduate in 1.5 years.

 

Hardly several years.

 

I think I am doing great. Smashing college, living with the absolute love of my life, paying my share ( in proportion to income..I do the phone bill and he does rent snd most food....)

 

The differencr is between me and my peers; they did college and got the mortgage first, snd the one who did have mentwl health issues ended up destitute while theh sought help, as oppposed to myself, who had parental support whilst I had therapy and worked many crappy menial job whilst getting well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You cannot make me believe that doing college snd mortgage first snd travel second is more ideal for all individuals.

 

And you also cannot convince me that my parente should have offered me no mental support whilst I was mentally ill and left me to fend for myself.

 

And lastly-- I simply do not see how I am behind my peers- I chose travel snd even living overseas at one stage as more valuable then an early college education.

[Leigh 87]

And for what it's worth, countless studies have shown that private schooling doesn't give kids an academic advantage. The single biggest indicator for a child's academic success is the parent's socio economic background and education levels.

 

 

Parents ere both college educated snd successful.

 

Had we lived on mums single teaching income, we would have not been middle class at all; we would have lived with the low socio economic groups.

[Leigh 87]

I have made no such assumptions. There are many paths. But you are the one that keeps banging on about how well you did at school and how important that was to your success in life.

 

You are the one that made the linkage between private schooling, luxury and success.

 

But by YOUR standards I am successful!! I live a happy, comfortable life which nice cosmetics, shampoo, lovely clothes and overseas travel! But this was an unanticipated outcome of my choices - it didn't drive my choices.

 

A score of 93 + a good UMAT result would have got you an interview for medicine at newcastle.

 

I went to Uni because travel at that point wasn't an option. I simply didn't have the $$. I don't think this is the way you have to do it. But for someone who is so academically gifted - you seem to find it hard to finish a degree.

 

 

 

^ this

 

 

 

93 isnt enough for medicine.

 

Plus I would have to sit the GAMSAT. No thanks! I am not smart enough.

 

I hsve had mental health issed for 6 years and my focus has ben in therapy and figuring out the ideal path for me. Give me a break.

 

I do not find it hard to finish a dgeree-- I simply dabbled in the wrong degrees for me, and chose menial and thersapy appointments snd getting well whilst living wih parents.

 

By the way- the dietetics degree I dabbled in shut down due to no employment. Look it up. Newcastle uni discontinier thie degree. I dropped out prior to the cencus date upon hearing that no one got jobs. Well. Aprox 80% kf grads.

 

I then tried socialwork and socialscience and didnt opt to continue oast cecus. I am sciencr minded and am not good at nor interest3r in humanities based degrees.

 

I am glad ai didnt perservere with degrees in which I had no passion for. I mean, in theory sure, I wanted to help people. But you do not need a socialwork or social science majoring in welfare degree, in order to do that.

 

On the other hand, I know a few people that didnt have the luxury of a second third and fourth attempt at choosing a uni dgeree; they HA E to finish degrees that were lukewarm about. Yes they got jobs and are now career driven, but they all admkt that they would LOVE the opportunity to go back to uni and pick the degree that now know is right for them!

 

The rest I know ALL went back to get a second degree. Or masters.

 

Honestly---- it can be tough picking the right degree for you. The biomed and anatomy subjects that I love also have a few degr3es thwt DO NOT actully result in actual jobs I wouod enjoy or that are employable. And then I cwnnot stand essay writing and hummanities..... yet the final job outcome, of beint a social or case worker, appealed to me.

 

I have since found the right degree and am nearly half way done. .. just under 2 years to go.

 

I did this through my good friend raduating this degree and having gained work exoerience in the field. So finally, I have agood balance of enjoying the study and also knowint ai won5 hate the actual job at hand. And knowing it is employable.

 

I fail to see why taking a while to choose your profesision reflects badly on my mum.

[Leigh 87]

People need to stop making disguisting and offensive assumptions about me being behind in life and " less successful" than my peers.

 

This has absolutely nothing to do with my mum and nor is it true in my eyes.

 

 

 

We all have different things in life that make us feel accomplished and successful. I do not see a degree and mortgage as the ONLY main or leading measures of success. I value world travel and life experience just as highly.

 

As a result, I have been more drawn to men and have ended up with a man who also has a similar history to mine; he has lived and worked all over the world. He doesnt see my full time study as " unsuccessful" or " sooo behind our peers".

 

Thank gosh my mum isn't judgmental and taught me to not think less of people based on their life choices and career trajectories!

 

Not everyone defines success as mortgages and degrees; I define success as bow rich your life has been and whether or not if I died tomorrow, can I say I have really lived well and had the experienced I wanted? Plus I am not sure how my mum leaving and me choosing to travel and enoy life prior to the degree and career and mortgage stuff, is a symtom of my mums absence. Nor is it appropriate to label me as " worse off " or " less successful" or " less desirable" than my peers who chose degrees and mortgages first and travel and hedonism a distant second.

It is also totally irrelevent to have a go at my mum for being generous when I was dealing with issues as an adult, and allowing me to live with her. Success to me isnt to do with the order in which you opt to achieve milestones. I mean, I feel successul for the fact I did well in school and was able to get into nearly any degree program of my choosing and am now doong rather well.

 

The mums who left show featured a woman who also needed to reside with her parents due to her mental health issues. Sometimes, residing with family sure beats having to live on the streets due to not having the capacity to deal with everyday life well. I mean, I was usually in a job, however menial, but I could also count on my parents.

 

 

 

Please stop making hurtful remarks. I feel that I turned out well and believe everyone has their challenges.

[basil67]

Parents ere both college educated snd successful.

 

Had we lived on mums single teaching income, we would have not been middle class at all; we would have lived with the low socio economic groups.

 

I think that perhaps you don't know what low socio economic means. It's the situation for families where the parents have low literacy levels and minimum wage/pension. A single teaching income does not make a family low socio economic. It makes the family a middle class family who needs to watch their pennies.

 

I'm also going to take a guess that given your parent's age, they would have bought into the property market a few decades ago and didn't have to service a high mortgage on a teacher's wage.

 

Regarding your educational outcomes, your mother is a teacher, so I would imagine highly literate. No matter what her income, you would have been raised surrounded by books (even if from the library) and you would still have done well at school. Any school. You are highly educated because your parents are literate. It's not because of they money they spent on you.

[basil67]

Thank gosh my mum isn't judgmental and taught me to not think less of people based on their life choices and career trajectories!

 

Perhaps your mother wasn't judgmental, but you didn't follow in her footsteps. Your comments about crappy schools, flats, suburbs, etc etc are beyond judgmental. Thinking that you'd be classed low socio economic with educated parents on an above minimum wage is delusional.

 

Please stop making hurtful remarks. I feel that I turned out well and believe everyone has their challenges.

 

I suspect that your continual use of the word "crappy" when describing people's lives which aren't up to your moneyed standard has gotten up people's noses. It certainly got up mine. Hence the comments which are coming back to you.

[Phoenician]

Each situation is different ; for me I consider that when a partner leaves the kids and escape responsibility it as a cruel action , your case could be different .

 

however , I warship those who sacrifice for their children more than other , some people looks at it as not leaving an incompatible partner as "have the cake and eat it ", or "coward to leave ".

 

in my case I have been in an incompatible marriage for years ; yet better to stay for kids sake rather than be selfish and leave .

 

IMO If partners are mature enough not to take the relation into extreems ; better stay than have the children without a father or mother .

 

At the same time when a mom leaves yet plays her role properly , kids are not affected .

 

 

A partner should not leave if the relation is just not perfect , or just unhappy ; they should only leave when force majeur exists , when the relationship is abusive , or when respect and empathy are lost ...

 

 

that's my 2 cents

[ufo8mycat]

And you are really judgemental Leigh! You judge those with crappy flats, crappy jobs, crappy whatever because you couldn't imaging a different way of living. You called another posters mum a "sorry excuse for a parent"! Regardless of parents letting kids down - your mum is your mum. Flaws and all. It isn't your place to make comparisons.

 

How our up bring affects us is so complex. I have no doubt your mum did the best she could and wanted to provide you with the best. But you asked the questions, people responded in kind with good thoughts.

 

I came from a lower socio economic background. My dad raised a family of 4 on less than 40K a year. I went to povo schools (think Blacktown or Mt Druitt high). I didn't have the $$ to travel, my parents did their very best to help me through my first few years of uni (I wasn't eligible for Youth Allowance.... unlike yourself).

 

I took out a loan + working 30 hours a week to pay my way living interstate from my family.

 

This isn't being holier than thou - it is what it took to get a better start in life.

 

Travel is privileged. You had a privileged upbringing. Not everyone is so fortunate. Empathy is important but you don't seem to recognise your privilege.

 

You are just caught up in being indignant that people might think you are less successful.

 

You care a lot about what other people think.

 

I wish you every success Leigh. I think every parent wants better for their kids than what they had for themselves.

Edited June 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~T

[Leigh 87]

And you are really judgemental Leigh! You judge those with crappy flats, crappy jobs, crappy whatever because you couldn't imaging a different way of living. You called another posters mum a "sorry excuse for a parent"! Regardless of parents letting kids down - your mum is your mum. Flaws and all. It isn't your place to make comparisons.

 

How our up bring affects us is so complex. I have no doubt your mum did the best she could and wanted to provide you with the best. But you asked the questions, people responded in kind with good thoughts.

 

I came from a lower socio economic background. My dad raised a family of 4 on less than 40K a year. I went to povo schools (think Blacktown or Mt Druitt high). I didn't have the $$ to travel, my parents did their very best to help me through my first few years of uni (I wasn't eligible for Youth Allowance.... unlike yourself).

 

I took out a loan + working 30 hours a week to pay my way living interstate from my family.

 

This isn't being holier than thou - it is what it took to get a better start in life.

 

Travel is privileged. You had a privileged upbringing. Not everyone is so fortunate. Empathy is important but you don't seem to recognise your privilege.

 

You are just caught up in being indignant that people might think you are less successful.

 

You care a lot about what other people think.

 

I wish you every success Leigh. I think every parent wants better for their kids than what they had for themselves.

 

 

I know travel is a luxury. Although I personally wouldnt have kids unless I could afford to take them overseas at least once.

 

I also wouldnt be able to work 30 hrs a week in my full time podiatry degree. Although I have worked weekends through most of the degree up until recently. My boss was dodgy so I quit.

 

I am planning on pursuing a podiatry receptionist job. Or another medical grade footwear gig. 20 hours a week tops.

Edited June 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~T

[anika99]

I don't think your mom was a bad mom for choosing to work away from home. It's not like she left you in an orphanage. I would not have made the same choice for my family but that doesn't make your mother's choice incorrect. Women's liberation was partly about women fighting for the right to make their own choices and now women constantly judge each other for making their own choices.

 

I was single and extremely poor when I was raising my kids. Things started to get a little better for us as they got into their teens but not by much. My kids turned out great, they are happy successful adults now and of course I have many cherished memories of their childhoods and being their mom. However that doesn't change the fact that being poor really really sucked most of the time. I was able to feed my kids and put a roof over their head and not much else. No vacations, no sports, no brand name clothes or cool gadgets that all the other kids had. Yes there was a lot of love between us and even laughs and good times but seeing my kids go without was also very painful and heartbreaking.

 

Some people who come from lower middle class or poor families like myself make me chuckle a little bit because they accuse people who come from upper income families of being snobby, spoiled and judgemental while they themselves judge the upperclass and believe that they are somehow better people simply for having been poor at sometime in their lives. They see people who were raised in wealthy families as weak and lacking in character and compassion. I have two healthy happy and financially secure adult sons in spite of being raised poor not because they were raised poor. Money or lack of money has nothing to do with character and morals. Some rich people have great character and morals and some are just d$cks. Same for poor people.

 

For the most part parents truly love their kids and do what they believe is best for them. We mature and change and then we might look back and wish we had made different choices but that's a futile excercise because we can't change the past. We might tell ourselves that things would have turned out better had we chosen a different path but how can anyone know for sure that the other choice would have had a more favourable outcome? We can't. We make our choices and then we live with them. There are pros and cons to everything. Your mom moving far away to make lots of money probably benefited you in some ways and yet cost you in other ways.