Separation, sewing wild oats...

[riskybusiness]

As with a trillion people who visit this site, my story is too long and complicated to tell in a single posting. But, I'll try to keep it as brief as I can because I could really use some thoughts from the "panel."

 

My husband and I lived together for 12 years and got married last year. In the past few years, we've had some relationship problems, and through honest discussions and even a little counseling (not enough, in my opinion), we've worked through them with some success. However, one problem has been nagging us almost from Day One, and it's been pretty clear to us that at some point in our relationship, it was going to rear its ugly head.

 

The major problem: My husband has never been with another woman. He barely dated when he was a teenager, and we met and fell in love when we were 21. He was a confident, intelligent, gorgeous guy, so when we feel in love, it never occurred to me that he didn't do what most guys do. By the time I found out, though, we were already head over heels for each other. The first time we made love, he told me it was his first time. I was flattered, but also a bit confused. (I think even back then, I knew this might pose some problems.)

 

Anyway, for nearly a decade, we lived together in relative harmony, but we have had a few trouble spots when he's become introspective, and he's been honest with me about his concern about his lack of a sexual past. (Very hard to ignore in this sex-crazed and sex-phobic society.) He has been not only concerned about his own sense of himself and his masculinity, but also for our marriage. (FYI: As for our sex life, it goes in phases. We've had a few brief stints (a couple of months) where we weren't doing much in the bedroom, etc. but for the most part, it's been okay to great.)

 

To date, he has been totally faithful (I truly believe that) but I think we've both always known that it would only be a matter of time before he felt the need to experience what it would be like to be with other people. I think this albatross has been hanging over our heads for a while now, and I think it has affected other aspects our relationship. For example, I think I have some issues of insecurity and trust because I'm waiting for the bomb to drop. On his end, over the past few years, he seems to be rebelling against anything that seems akin to responsibility or being tied down (didn't want to do any financial planning or do routine things like cook, clean, pay bills; quit a prestigious, high-paying position post to pursue an artistic career; wanted kids desperately and then twice suddenly changed his mind).

 

Anyway, without further details, I'll just say that about a month ago, we decided that we couldn't go on like this. (He was withdrawing and my resentment about not having someone 100% on board was building and building.) In order to move forward, we needed to try a new tactic, so we're trying what I've heard/read others refer to as a "controlled" or "healing" separation. We're living apart, we're free to see other people, and we're committed to sorting out our needs and our goals. The plan is to reconvene every couple of months to see how things are going. The goal is not to see if we prefer being apart; it's to try to heal ourselves so we can reunite as happier, healthier people.

 

We have both made it clear that we still have incredible love for each other, but we feel that by getting together so young, we might have missed out on some crucial development. By the way, this is not just a sexual thing. It has a lot more to do with giving each other some breathing and thinking and "growing up" space, discovering who we are without the other, breaking some of the dependence on each other. (Again, this is a bit confusing because we're tender and there's no hostility. Friends of ours often express envy because we've actually supported each other's growth in other areas over the years. In short, we're pretty solid people.)

 

So, based on what you've heard, folks, what do you think? Do you believe we're delusional and that once we start dating other people, there will be no going back? (That's my biggest fear in all of us because it's so uncontrollable -- or is it?) Has anyone tried anything like this? Any stories?

 

Moreover, I'd love to hear from men who might not have sewn their wild oats when they were teens and twentysomethings and how they handled it.

 

Thanks a bunch.

[Harmacy]

I personally think the idea of seperation in your instance is a good one. Surely there's a chance he'll find someone else and find them "better" than you, and then in turn not want to return to the marriage, but that's probably a risk worth taking, at least in how I read your situation.

[Devildog]

Will you be able to handle it if he sleeps with another woman? That is something you need to seriously think about before you go through with this idea. It's easy to say you will be okay with it, but when that moment of truth comes, it could be a very different story.

 

I never really "sowed my wild oats". My now XW was my first and only so far. In the beginning it wasn't a problem for me because we had an active sex life and were willing to try different things. After a bit the sex drought began, but I am the type of person that wasn't going to cheat/wander. So I suffered in silence.

 

I think if you are open and willing to experiment, try different things, this shouldn't be that much of an issue.

[fleafly]

Oh boy, this will lead to trouble. Ive been seperated from my wife for six months now, although for a different reason, as my wife had an affair. I honestly believe that while a seperation for you two might be the right thing, you both should refrain from seeing other people in the meantime. Ask yourself(and your husband as well), what good could possibly come from this?

 

I will be honest when I am telling you this to help save you both the pain that this will cause, as I have made this mistake repeatedly. Have you tried/considered marriage counseling? It seems to me as though you two might have lost touch with one another.

[Cwazydude]

Well, I can see how you can "Heal", You'll get some breathing room. But all I see is him not changing at all. How will he become a different person when your all he knows? Anything he does with another female will be compared to you. Anything.

 

So, All he'll be doing is comparing/contrasting the other females in his life to you. I don't see much healing there..., but thats just me.