Author MyNameIsNotDonal Posted June 20, 2016 Author Share Posted June 20, 2016 Also, do some poking around about the whole "I love my wife we're just not in love anymore" thing. It's unrealistic to feel the novelty of new love with your wife when your love matures from brushing your teeth in the hopes that it will lead to heavy petting and brushing your teeth so that when you mouth breath while snoring the garlic doesn't make your wife want to gag you instead of just plug your nose. The kind of deep mutual love and respect you feel with your spouse can't and shouldn't compare to an affair, but there's no reason you can't have hot sweaty sex with your life partner... Ask her if it's OK if you send a naughty text and see how she responds - if you're bored, maybe she is too. Start with something gentle like how much you love kissing the side of her neck or tickling her palms before you get to the part where you've got her pinned in the pantry. Let her know you miss her and miss being playful, ask her if she's happy, too. WOO her, like you're teenagers. Ask your wife if she feels sexy. If your wife isn't feeling sexy, ask her how you can help her feel sexy. Does she want to start going to the gym? Go with her. Does she want more sleep? Let her sleep in. Tell her, every day, how much you love her. I also suggest watching this video (copy and paste this in your seach bar) ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en Thanks Lobe. I'll work my way through that... I'm glad I posted here now because "the other place" seems to have decided I'm some sort of a troll and deleted my account there To be fair, I had a couple of helpful pieces of advice and the rest was solid abuse and swearing, so I'm not missing out on much, I don't think. I wish I were just a troll as that would be much easier to deal with than all of this! But as they say, I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it... which is kind of ironic really because I want to avoid being permanently turfed out of my bed (and home). Thanks everyone - I want to leave the internet now for a bit and spend some quality time with my Mrs. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 This is something you can watch WITH your wife, about a sexless marriage. I had cut my husband off for months leading up to his A. We both cried because it was seriously so achingly insightful and accurate. youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Yup you're right. I'll need to find the right way to do it (so that it doesn't destroy her), but I realise I have to man up and confess to the feelings and explain they've been banished. At best she'll be gutted and disgusted with me but if it gives us a chance to fix things then it has to be done. How about this instead of confessing lusting after her friend? "I am really missing physical intimacy - to the point I am fantasizing about having an affair. Can we work together to fix this? Do you have any ideas to make things better? I am asking for your help." Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Hi MyNameIsNotDonal you have received wonderful advice and you were on quite the slippery slope there. It is great you found this site before taking the plunge. You saved a lot of people around you years of misery to come. May I suggest a book to you, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It really explains how A's happen and how to keep your boundaries in check. Just a suggestion and welcome to LS! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JLeaks3 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 It's one thing to confess that he has been banging someone else, another completely to confess he is having salacious thoughts about other women because they are no longer intimate. OP, you can tell your wife you think the OW has a crush on you, and tell the OW that if she doesn't leave you alone you are going to tell her husband, for both your families' sakes. But that's not the whole truth and nor does it indicate to her the true danger that her own marriage is in nor the risk that her husband has been taking with it. I don't get it, because frankly if someone told me they were lusting after my friend, and kissing her on the mouth he would be gone. NO reconciliation, nothing. Marriage over. By telling her, he is risking everything, his marriage, his kids lives, his ongoing happiness, his wife's ongoing happiness. Even if she did "forgive" - the triggers, the upset, the lack of trust, the total devastation rarely makes for a happy life. We have folk on here still triggering decades after. Unless she knows something or accuses him of it, I would suggest he keep schtum here. Nothing has really happened anyway, but the lack of trust going forward will be awful, if he tells her, not only for this relationship for others she will have in the future.. He has already risked as much by what he has already done. The problem is the more he continues to keep things from her, the more he proves himself to be untrustworthy. And again, how accountable can he truly be without having confessed the whole truth and facing REAL concrete consequences for his actions? If he keeps some of the truth about the nature of his fantasies from her and what has been truly happening between him and the OW, then who is to say that one day, he won't feel tempted to repeat it again, having never suffered a true DDay? Also, I'm not sure why people are so willing to encourage others to be so deceitful or dance around the truth. It is precisely these actions that cause cracks in the foundation of a truly loving and healthy marriage. His wife has the right to make informed decisions about her own marriage. If he tries to dilute the truth in any way, he handicaps her from making decisions in her own best interest. If she choose to leave him, then that is her choice and she has the right to it. If she realizes how truly in trouble her marriage is and becomes motivated to do whatever she can to work through it together because she dearly loves her husband, then she should have all the information regarding what exactly it is she is trying to repair. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedpatio Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 Above and beyond the fact that you have a wandering eye, you fantasize about other women, and are having and EA-ish with her good friend, why is no one talking about the elephant in the room? How is it possible that you have not had sex in over a year and have done absolutely nothing to fix this? If you tell your wife that the fact that you are in a sexless marriage is pushing you to notice and lust after other women I don't even think you need to go as far as destroying her by telling her about her friend. You need to cut that friend out and stop the visits, stop entertaining this little "secret" you both have an you need to reconnect with your wife and make her understand that that she too made a vow to you to love you intimately and if she is going to withhold this then you are letting her know what is happening to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MyNameIsNotDonal Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 Above and beyond the fact that you have a wandering eye, you fantasize about other women, and are having and EA-ish with her good friend, why is no one talking about the elephant in the room? How is it possible that you have not had sex in over a year and have done absolutely nothing to fix this? If you tell your wife that the fact that you are in a sexless marriage is pushing you to notice and lust after other women I don't even think you need to go as far as destroying her by telling her about her friend. You need to cut that friend out and stop the visits, stop entertaining this little "secret" you both have an you need to reconnect with your wife and make her understand that that she too made a vow to you to love you intimately and if she is going to withhold this then you are letting her know what is happening to you. Thank you SKP... that does make sense now. I hadn't realised (somehow?!) that a sexless marriage was part of the problem, but it's pretty obvious it must be. That doesn't excuse my actions but it certainly can't be helping and I guess those primal urges are just that - primal and better to redirect INTO the marriage. Again, I'm not wanting to use lack of sex as an excuse, but it is helpful thinking that getting the fizz back in the marriage will help prevent me ever wanting to stray, because I'll have everything I desire and need in my marriage. We all check out hot people occasionally, I'm sure (well, I'm pretty confident most other guys I know do) but that's where it should end - a simple observation and appreciation that such and such a person is good looking. Deep down, I also do wonder whether going to a single-sex school for much of my early life (11-18) meant I missed out on female interaction such that I crave it a bit now. This OW starts paying me attention and I'm thinking, "oh, I guess I must be ok for a middle-aged guy". I shouldn't need to think like that because I'm otherwise (apart from the sex bit) happily married with a wonderful family and reasonably successful. This has been sooo helpful - I genuinely hadn't realised how close to the edge I was... it all felt like a bit of fun rather than a precipice, after which there would be no way back. Thank you everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 " This OW starts paying me attention and I'm thinking, "oh, I guess I must be ok for a middle-aged guy". Oh lordy! That sounds like my H. He didn't got to a single sex school but we have been together since we were quite young and I think he thought he fancied a bit of a 'last hurrah' when someone began to flatter his ego. My argument was that I had been with him through thick and thin, had loved him, given him three babies, looked after him and our children, earned the lions share of our income, put up with a lot of **** from him over the years and still stuck around, and generally been chief cook and bottle washer for most our adult lives. If that doesn't indicate that I loved him and valued him I don't know what would. But the male ego is a wild and illogical beast. If I were you I'd get yourself and whip and a chair and start to tame it asap Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 "I read that MM usually think they aren't getting enough at home, when the truth is they aren't giving enough."...Think about it. Sex in marriage is like cake for me, and I love cake. If I don't have it for a year, I do not crave it. You might say you don't find your wife attractive, but if you had great back to back nights of good ole rumps, you would change your tune. Part of your lack of attraction IS the lack of sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 BuddyX, I think you are quoting me. I'm flattered! "Donal," it sounds like you have averted a train wreck (as long as you keep on the path) and more importantly, figured out that lack of sex is something that can and should be addressed. It's likely that when you confess your thoughts about OW to your wife, she will suddenly be more interested in sex barring any medical problems that are getting in the way. Of course, it's important to frame these conversations so it doesn't sound like you are saying, "If you don't give me sex I'll look for it elsewhere." It's your responsibility to address issues in your marriage; they are not a free pass to make terrible choices. One of our post affair books had us write down how often we wanted to have sex and how often we thought our partner did, then we shared this. I'm a goal-oriented person, so after we had met in the middle, it helped me to change my expectations. OK, it's been a couple of days, we should try to make this happen tonight tor tomorrow . . . We're tired parents, we can't just wait for spontaneity to strike. It's been 14 months since I discovered my husband had a mostly long-distance but briefly physical affair, and we have maintained our "new normal" all this time, though of course some weeks after better than others. Actually during the affair when I sensed things were off, I read a book about women's hormones that I recommend for your wife. It's called "Moody Bitches" by Dr. Julie Holland. It talked about all the medications that can affect attraction and libido and recommended smelling your partner's armpits to reconnect. At the time I was on Zoloft and my husband's smell did nothing for me. Now I'm off Zoloft and we're much better connected and we're constantly saying to each other, "Mmmmm, you smell so good!" Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 but my own failing is that I am massively attracted to beautiful women, which is probably normal, but I lust after doing something about it, which is not good. I could try to claim it's just being a bloke, but other men don't seem to have this problem, at least not as obviously as me! However, we don't really have sex any more (honestly can't remember the last time - perhaps 12 or 18 months ago?) Interesting that you view yourself as this barely-contained sexual person, yet you don't have sex with your wife ??? Since I'd guess you have a beautiful woman at home, you might think about what these other women represent. Some pretty basic contradictions in what you've posted... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 Somehow - and I'm not sure how it happened - in my eyes my wife changed from being my sexual partner to my life partner. We still kiss, we cuddle, we hug, we hold hands. We just don't do the jiggy. I do miss it, of course. Being totally honest with all of you complete strangers, I don't currently find her sexually attractive, which is something mental that has changed for me. I'd like to fix that - maybe it's just communication and me explaining to her that I WANT to find her sexually attractive and a little bit of finding that lost spark is perhaps all that's needed. We all change physically but she hasn't gone from a size 8 (UK 8) to a 20 or anything... yes, she's given birth to two kids but I actually think she's more self-conscious than actually physically different. I skipped a page, so forgive me if this has been said. I think your sex life fizzled because you got into an endless loop. When a woman knows a man finds her attractive, she thinks, feels, and moves, like an attractive woman. This way of being keeps the male interested which keeps her behaving in this manner, and so on. The reverse is also true. If you aren't treating her like an attractive woman, she isn't thinking, feeling, or acting like an attractive woman. Prime the pump, man! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedpatio Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 I skipped a page, so forgive me if this has been said. I think your sex life fizzled because you got into an endless loop. When a woman knows a man finds her attractive, she thinks, feels, and moves, like an attractive woman. This way of being keeps the male interested which keeps her behaving in this manner, and so on. The reverse is also true. If you aren't treating her like an attractive woman, she isn't thinking, feeling, or acting like an attractive woman. Prime the pump, man! 100% true! Especially in a long term union. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 Thank you SKP... that does make sense now. I hadn't realised (somehow?!) that a sexless marriage was part of the problem, but it's pretty obvious it must be. That doesn't excuse my actions but it certainly can't be helping and I guess those primal urges are just that - primal and better to redirect INTO the marriage. Again, I'm not wanting to use lack of sex as an excuse, but it is helpful thinking that getting the fizz back in the marriage will help prevent me ever wanting to stray, because I'll have everything I desire and need in my marriage. We all check out hot people occasionally, I'm sure (well, I'm pretty confident most other guys I know do) but that's where it should end - a simple observation and appreciation that such and such a person is good looking. Deep down, I also do wonder whether going to a single-sex school for much of my early life (11-18) meant I missed out on female interaction such that I crave it a bit now. This OW starts paying me attention and I'm thinking, "oh, I guess I must be ok for a middle-aged guy". I shouldn't need to think like that because I'm otherwise (apart from the sex bit) happily married with a wonderful family and reasonably successful. This has been sooo helpful - I genuinely hadn't realised how close to the edge I was... it all felt like a bit of fun rather than a precipice, after which there would be no way back. Thank you everyone. My DH might as well have been in a single sex school at those ages for all the attention women paid him. He came out of that with some insecurities an a need to be accepted and valued by a woman/women. He needs physical contact, sexual and non-sexual, to feel accepted and secure. He needs verbal praise and for me to seek out his opinion to feel valued. If your wife isn't sharing sexual intimacy and if she's not giving you the acceptance and appreciation you need, that might explain why you are vulnerable to the temptation of an affair. It's normal to notice attractive women. It only becomes a problem when you start to have the urge to act. If you have the urge to act, you have some serious unmet needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 NotDonal, how is NC going?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MyNameIsNotDonal Posted June 22, 2016 Author Share Posted June 22, 2016 NotDonal, how is NC going?! There has been no communication or contact, so that's been going very well Avoidance and genuinely "being very busy" are handy friends! My wife and I are planning a nice relaxing weekend which will hopefully also stimulate other things! Thanks everyone... so far so good, but obviously need to keep at it. (like for the rest of my life!) Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 There has been no communication or contact, so that's been going very well Avoidance and genuinely "being very busy" are handy friends! My wife and I are planning a nice relaxing weekend which will hopefully also stimulate other things! Thanks everyone... so far so good, but obviously need to keep at it. (like for the rest of my life!) Oooooh, romance the sh*t out of this weekend! Woo her! WOO HER!!!! I hope you are able to reconnect and get some BOW chicka BOW BAHWWW... ~clapping hands~ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 Seriously, watch this ted talk with your wife. youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20 Link to post Share on other sites
Alltohim Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I commend you on your tenacity in keeping together with your wife. I'm sure though it's been rather hard at times. Good or bad all us guys can put ourselves in the same place, so as I say all the time and have been told many times, don't beat yourself up too harshly. But, now you need to step back as you've done and talk to this other woman and say 'No can do'!! If you have no other choice but having to sit down with the other couple and your wife and just talk it out, that's what needs to be done. This of course will put a strain on your wifes relation with the other woman, so be it, Your wife comes first!! Glad you and your wife are getting quality time together this weekend, looks like a great plan. Link to post Share on other sites
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