I feel stuck in this marriage

[mrssecretive610]

I've been married to my husband for 9 years. I was 15 when I met him. Now 27. We have managed to bring 3 beautiful children into this rocky marriage. We had our daughter a year into the marriage, 2 yrs later our twins followed. He was active duty until our sons were born then he was "suddenly discharged" according to him (which I know isn’t the truth, I wont get into that). After he was discharged we were evicted on the street with three kids (two newborns), in a brand new state 3 hrs away from my family. A month later our car gets repo'd. Meanwhile I’m working numerous temp. jobs to keep us afloat and he is working as a waiter at a restaurant. Yet not bring home a dime because of his addiction to marijuana. Come to find out after being evicted and losing just about everything he was cheating with someone from back in my hometown. Fast forward 9 years and we have still had nothing but heartache and headaches. Although the cheating has come to a halt, our financial situation and parenting disagreements are now allowing me to continue feeling alone and wanting to stay that way!

 

He is the worst provider since leaving the military! He can’t keep a job for anything! I know there are millions of people fighting for jobs around the world and here this man is getting a new job every 3 months! He’s ALWAYS getting fired. Here’s a great example. He just started this new job as a manager. He’s one a 3 month probation period. Today he had to be to work at 7:30 am. I come home from the store and notice the kids up watching tv and him in the bed still sleeping at 9:00. What time did he get to work? Well 9:30, even though we are 15 mins down the road he had to stop and get a pack of cigarettes before he goes to work (he doesn’t have his own car). I’m tired of his bad choices that cause our whole family to suffer. He’s been paid twice at this job and has only given me rent money and NO bill money! He hasn’t provided for any of our kids since they’ve been born (clothes, shoes, diapers, wipes, food, gifts, etc.) I’m so tired of imaging what my life could be. Yet here I am in my home 24/7 (I work at home) thinking about what could be and doing nothing about it. Part of me feels like if I leave him, my kids might resent me, and although he doesn’t give me anything but half of his rent, that is going to be more helpful then me doing it all by myself. I grew up without my dad. He was present until I was 12 then disappeared. I don’t want this for my kids but if we separate I will be moving back home where I have support 3 hrs away & the area is cheaper. If I move I know he wouldn’t be able to see our kids often (as I stated above he has no car). I’m just so confused but im tired of being out here with an unsupportive man, no friends, and barely making it as it is because I’m doing just about everything alone!

 

I also feel like I might be rushing out the door for the wrong reasons. It took me 9 years to wake up because for 9 years I have worked in my home and never cheated on my husband. But recently I met a man that opened my eyes. I DON’T want to be with him I see no future with him but he showed me what a real man can do if I left my marriage. I’m telling myself if I walk out and leave I need to accept being alone and focusing on the kids and myself until we heal. But I’m worried I’ll be too curious about what is out there after being with a man who never even celebrated my birthday, anniversaries, or any other holiday because he was broke!

My fears: being alone, struggling to provide for my kids alone, kids resentment, thinking the grass is greener on the other side, rushing into a new relationship, not being able to properly cope, stress, anxiety, not having enough equal time between my kids and extra work I’ll be pulling in to afford our life.

[bummer]

You're in a tough place. To weigh the good and bad of the now with the potential good and bad of the future....

 

Remember the future is happening every moment with every action and choice and every inaction or unspoken word.

 

Your husband sounds depressed. You sound depressed. Are the children happy in the current situation? Can it really be worse? You need to gently but firmly open your husband's eyes and if he can't see he's potentially losing you you should try counciling first, then decide.

 

Use the support network you have. Friend and close family who will reserve judgement to help you.

[Mr. Lucky]

But recently I met a man that opened my eyes. I DON’T want to be with him I see no future with him but he showed me what a real man can do if I left my marriage.

 

The last thing you want to do is complicate your marital situation with the drama of an affair. Put the OM on hold and see a lawyer instead. The initial consultation will help you understand your options, for instance this proposed move 3 hours away. The court may not allow it (at least for your kids) depending on the custody situation. Time to be smart...

 

Mr. Lucky

[overseas2004]

I know that right now all your head is swirling and the choices you need to make are overwhelming. But to make them you must. I can give you some advice based on my experience.

 

I got separated seven years ago. I too feared many of the things that you fear and I went through a hell of a lot since we got separated. The thing I can tell you is what I learned from it and what I accomplished.

 

I was very worried my daughter might resent me and she is very upset about losing her dad. She talks and cries about it constantly. In my case her dad refuses to see her so he can pay me back.

 

However what my daughter did not know and can not understand about her dad was that he was not going to be a good role model or a good father. My husband was a lot like your husband. He couldn't hold down a job, he wasn't making any money, he wasn't helping me at all. And he was nasty on top of it. He was angry and nasty. So ultimately I decided that he wasn't helping me at all and having him around was not only pointless but also detrimental to our child because of the anger and violence. Oh almost forgot.... also cheating.

 

Unlike you I had only one child to support and I have a higher education. Still with even that, it was tough. I wanted to be with my child more than my bosses would allow. But I also realized that I was working like 50-60 hours a week and not really getting to be with my daughter. I thought to myself what is the point of having a child if you cant really be with them. So I started my own business in 2009 so I could work from home and spend more time with my daughter. That was a good choice. I have made more money than ever I thought possible. So you are going to have to think hard about what you can do to make ends meet before you leave him. You must have a plan.

 

I think moving back home is essential. If you are going to end your marriage, the children must be surrounded by family. One of the keys to keeping both me and my daughter sane and making sure my daughter has alot of support she may be lacking from her dad is to have my brother and my parents super involved in her life. And this has created a lot of stability for my daughter and I think that she will weather the storm. Besides all the major studies about children from broken marriages suggest that you must surround them with family if they are to survive the wreck.

 

I hope you have better luck than me but on the love life side has been pretty nonexistent. I have had a handful of dates and met some men most of which were worthless over the last few years. I am really devoted to my child and I don't like to spend a lot of time away from her. My business also doesn't take me to interact with people so I just don't meet men. I worry about this, but I am more focused on my daughter now than anything else. I feel she needs me. Meeting someone new might be complicated. Not only will you have to like them but they have to be good for your children. So the irony is that while I am now older and have a smaller dating pool, I am more choosy. Result no man in many years. Again I hope your experience is different.

 

More advice. Be positive and don't forget to be good to yourself. Its hard to lose yourself in your responsibilities when you are a single mom. For me the stress of it all brought me to an auto-immune disease that I am now fighting. If I had worried less and lived in the now, I might not be sick now. Try to remember the one thing I have learned through the various tribulations I have had over the years. Live in the now and don't try to borrow trouble. Yes it will be hard to make ends meet. Yes you may have all sorts of harrowing experience. But somehow in the end it will all work itself out. For me it did and I am sure it will for you. You sound smart and I think you can handle this.

Remember to take care of yourself. Eat well, get sleep and work out. Your children need you healthy and happy and not stressed out.

 

If I may say one more thing bout your situation. If I were you I would leave. There is no wrong reason here. Your husband is not only being a bad husband but he is being a bad father.. a bad role model for your children if he isn't working and is not living up to his responsibilities and if he is taking drugs. The is just not the behavior of an adult. I doubt you will get him to address any of these issues if you stay in your current situation. Leave him and show him that his behavior is unacceptable. Maybe he will think about it and change. Maybe he won't but the status quo is not a healthy place for you or your kids to live.

 

I don't get how you could think there are wrong reasons to leave here. And yeah I do get what you are saying about your kids missing him, but to me, from what you described, they don't have much of a father or a provider now. So what is the point?

 

And if you ever feel bad or need a shoulder to cry on give me a shout in the message center.

[CarrieT]

My fears: being alone, struggling to provide for my kids alone, kids resentment, thinking the grass is greener on the other side, rushing into a new relationship, not being able to properly cope, stress, anxiety, not having enough equal time between my kids and extra work I’ll be pulling in to afford our life.

 

I have news for you. You don't have three children, but four and you are already alone, based on everything you have written.

 

And aren't you already under enough stress? I think losing the millstone of a husband would be a great first step. But not to jump into another relationship, but to learn how strong you really are and to have some quality, adult, alone time - something you have yet to experience. It can be quite empowering.

[Lois_Griffin]

Quite honestly, I would have left this loser YEARS ago.

 

LOL..and what's this crap "his half" of the rent? I guess his HALF of the parenting and household chores and other bills doesn't exist. Big surprise there. Not.

 

Are you roommates or something? It's obvious he sucks as a father, he sucks as a husband, he sucks as a provider, and he sucks as a human in general. Can't hold down a job, wouldn't know how to be responsible if his pitiful life depended on it, got booted from the service because they didn't want his worthless ass, is a lying cheater, needs a mommy (you) to do everything at home but chew his damned food for him, finds money for cigarettes and pot but can't be bothered to spend $20 on his own kids, and the list just goes on and on and on.

 

Good God, why would anyone stay with someone this worthless?

 

Sorry, I just don't get it.

[KatieCares]

You need to give yourself a lot of credit for how strong you are, you have somehow managed to keep this going for a long time, and you have definitely carried almost all of the burden. I think you are pretty amazing!

Please try and talk with your husband. Help him to understand that you are worn out, that you just can't do this anymore. Perhaps you can talk him into counseling. It might help...can't hurt. You have a lot of time invested in this marriage.

Whatever you decide, I would urge you not to rush into another relationship, no matter how tempting. You need time to get your head on straight, time to heal.

Hang in there, this too, shall pass. Listen to your instincts, and trust yourself to do the right thing.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

Do not give him the excuss to tell your children "she cheated and left me". Your husband sounds like a worid class blame shifter. He will make it all about what you did in an attempt to make himself look good and you bad.

 

I think you would be better of divorce and move on, do it right though.